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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JULY 20, 2016
My kids know I don’t have a clue, geographically speaking
sixth-grade history serves me
this device would be about as
useful to me as, say…
A Superball.
Because of this, my
Amazing Race nightmare
always starts and ends the
same way, with everyone get-
ting the first clue and then
excitedly running off in the
same direction. Except for
me, who excitedly runs in the
opposite direction — and off
a cliff with my “clicker.”
It’s a short dream but
always traumatic, especially
when I wake up lodged
between the bed and the wall
“clicking” my TV remote.
Back when our oldest
daughter entered middle
school, I knew it was only a
matter of time before my
worst fears were realized and,
as a parent, I would have to
Ned
— a faster trade route to
Hickson WalMart.
During my mini book tour
to Watsonville, Calif., a few
weeks ago, it became appar-
ent that even as a soon-to-be
50-year-old man, I still have
the directional sense of a
standard windsock.
If not for the GPS system
in the rental car, I would
probably be outside of Reno
looking for an on-ramp to
Sacramento right now.
It’s a disorder many
famous historical figures also
suffered from, including
Christopher Columbus, who
discovered America com-
pletely by accident while
looking for — if memory of
I’m the kind of person who
must enter and leave some-
where the same exact way in
order to keep from getting
lost, even if it means walking
backwards out of a public
facility, such as the men’s
room at Safeco Field.
I’ve actually had night-
mares about being a contest-
ant on The Amazing Race. In
it, I am partnered with my
friend David, who spent six
years in the Marines and
therefore still refers to dis-
tances as “clicks” — a unit
of measure based on kilome-
ters and the use of a special
clicking device.
Were I trying to find my
way out of enemy territory,
together, usually with some
parts of Hawaii missing
because, as I explained, they
sank.
“C’mon, Dad. I need your
help. I can’t figure the answer
to this,” she said, pointing to
the last question on her sheet:
Using this flat map, deter-
mine the distortion ratio
between these two continents.
“OK, looks like the Soviet
Union and Africa,” I said
helpfully.
“Soviet Union?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said, tapping
what I knew to be the world’s
largest landmass, not count-
ing Shaquille O’Neal.
“That’s Russia, Dad.”
Things weren’t off to a
good start but I pressed on.
According to the formula, all
we had to do was determine
the coordinates of the farthest
points on each continent, add
them up, factor in the distor-
tion ratio, then decide how
much a “D” on this assign-
ment was going to affect her
overall grade.
As it turned out, we actual-
ly DID figure out the correct
answer. Don’t ask me how
because I honestly don’t
remember.
Heck, I don't even remem-
ber how I got back from
Watsonville...
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
Learn ‘Bollywood Fusion’ dance at Elks Lodge
Watershed Council to discuss
coho fishery suspension
During
the
Siuslaw
Watershed Council (SWC)
general meeting set for July 27
at 6:30 p.m., the topics will be
“The
Salmon
River
Experiments: Lessons for
Intelligent
Tinkering
in
Salmon Ecosystems” and
“Aquatic Invasive Species and
the Oregon Lake Watch
Program.”
SWC’s meeting will be held
at the Honeyman State Park
Meeting Hall (big yurt), 5543
Canary Road.
Doors open at 6 p.m. and
the meeting gets underway at
6:30 p.m.
The
meeting
agenda
includes a presentation by Dan
Bottom, who has lead research
efforts in the Salmon and
Columbia Rivers to under-
stand what is behind the
changes in salmon populations
and the impacts of human
efforts to reverse declines in
help her with geography.
When she opened her
geography book and started
talking about longitude and
latitude, the prime meridian
and flat map distortion, I
knew it was time for me to
buckle down and, as her
father, at least try to get out
of it by faking a seizure.
Seeing her expression, I
quickly realized I had already
used this technique when
asked about “where babies
come from,” “algebra,”
“geometry,” and why her
favorite shirt was now tie-
dyed.
The truth was, I used to be
good at helping her with
geography, back when we
could pour all the major con-
tinents and countries onto the
floor and put them back
A Bollywood Fusion Class is
being held Thursdays from 10
to 11 a.m. at the Florence
Elks Lodge.
Bollywood Fusion is a
playful dance form that has
evolved from the Hindi
Culture in India. As the film
industry in Bombay has
salmon populations.
Bottom will be sharing les-
sons learned, including the
results of the most recent work
to understand the impact of
coho hatchery program sus-
pension.
Rich Miller, from Portland
State University’s Center for
Lakes and Reservoirs, will dis-
cuss aquatic invasive species
in lakes. This includes harmful
algae blooms and a new Lake
Watch volunteer monitoring
program.
Miller will also conduct a
Lake Watch training in the
afternoon form 2 to 5 p.m. at
the meeting site.
Interested persons can sign
up at www.pdx.edu/oregon-
lake-watch.
As always, the SWC board
of directors and executive
director will give project
updates and announcements of
upcoming activities.
grown, so has the dance style
in their films. Bollywood
Fusion takes on a mixture of
belly dance, Indian folk, clas-
sical and modern jazz.
The music is very light-
hearted and many of the
moves are simple.
For a typical Bollywood
DENTURE SERVICES INC.
class, the women wear coin
belts/hip scarves like in belly
dance. Many students enjoy
wearing ankle bells, too.
For more information or to
Summer Fun at
Sandpines
Here to serve
your denture needs:
We are hosting a
Micro Beer Tasting
Dentures
Immediate Dentures
Implant Dentures
Relines and Repairs
Friday, July 22, 6-8ish
Only $40 per person
William Foster LD
Sherry, Offi ce Manager
FREE CONSULTATIONS
Monday-Thursday
10am - 2 pm
Relines and Repairs
Same Day
Or by special appointment
Financing: Citi Health Card
12 Month no Interest
524 Laurel St.
541-997-6054
attend the class, ontact Eileen
Angilletta by email at
eangilletta@yahoo.com or
visit her Facebook page The
Dancing Divas.
Please call
541-997-4623 x 106
to reserve your spot
Featuring
THREE CREEKS BREWERY
OF SISTERS, OREGON
Offering Three Micro Beers
• Live Music • Food
• Putting Contest
• Chipping Contest
• Merchandise giveaways
• Chance to Win
Free Rounds of Golf
The Grill & Lounge
at Sandpines
Visit us online: www.TheSiuslawNews.com.
1201 35th Street at Kingwood, Florence
Highway 101 & 35 St.
541-997-4623
(541)997-6000
www.RealEstateFlorence.com
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Condo end unit. Panoramic River
& Sand dune views. Beautifully
remodeled approx. 5 years ago
2 bdrm, 2 bath 1463 sq ft
$249,900 BH7275 ML#16613887
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Florence Branch | 1875 Hwy 101 | Florence, OR | (541) 997-6000 | www.RealEstateFlorence.com