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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, MAY 25, 2016
For graduation, some parents want the ‘breast’ for their daughters
haven't made it past the
Ned
“breast” portion of this col-
Hickson umn. Knowing this, I’ve
After reading about how
the parents of LuLu Diaz
gave their daughter $6,000
breast implants for her high
school graduation gift, I
couldn’t help but be shocked
by the idea of a father agree-
ing to anything that would
make his teenaged daughter
more enticing to teenaged
boys.
As luck would have it, I
actually spent several years in
my teens. Because of this I
can tell you there are many
teenaged boys who still
already begun saving for our
youngest daughter’s gradua-
tion gift, which will be an
entire new wardrobe consist-
ing of multiple pairs of sheet-
metal pants and turtleneck
sweaters made from chain-
link.
I may throw in a make-up
kit as well, just in case she
decides to lift her metal visor
during conversation. I’m sure
my daughter will thank me
later for adding a degree of
difficulty to the courtship
process, which will eliminate
those who aren’t persistent.
Or, at the very least, those
without a blowtorch.
Sure, I may be getting
ahead of myself since our
daughter is still only 15 years
old. But time passes quickly,
and in another 20 years she’ll
begin dating.
For some reason, mothers
seem better equipped to han-
dle the whole dating prospect.
I think it’s because — statisti-
cally speaking — they aren’t
men. They don’t know what’s
going through the mind of a
15-year-old boy. Well, I DO.
And you should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
I realize it’s important to
establish a certain level of
trust with my daughter in
order for her to develop her
independence; I have to
encourage her to venture
beyond the realm of our pro-
tection; I have to allow her a
sense of freedom.
And I have to do it without
letting her know she’s being
followed by a private detective.
How can I do this?
Because, to a father, money
is no object when it comes to
providing his daughter with
the false sense of freedom she
deserves.
Fine.
Maybe I’m overreacting.
But she’s not getting breast
implants for a graduation gift.
Why? Because while LuLu's
parents say their “gift” is
meant to boost their daugh-
ter's self esteem, they have to
see that things won't end
there. It’ll be a tummy-tuck at
19, then higher cheekbones
and a thinner nose for her
21st birthday.
By then, of course, it’ll be
time to tighten that sagging
21-year-old chin.
Eventually, when she’s
completely unrecognizable
and can't pass through airport
security without an X-ray of
her head, LuLu will be happy
and confident knowing she
can, at long last, easily ditch
her parents in a crowd.
I want my daughter’s self-
confidence to be grounded in
who she is and not how she
looks.
I also admit I’d also like to
avoid the cost of expensive
breast implant surgery.
The truth is, I’m flat bust-
ed.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
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