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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2016
What an escaped hamster taught me about crisis management
“Dad, I can’t find
Ned
Squiggles.”
Hickson
Those words, uttered just
When you find yourself
force-feeding Pepto Bismol
into your child’s constipated
hamster, you figure you’ve
faced one of your greatest
challenges as a parent. In fact,
over the years, for us it has
become the measuring stick
by which all family crisis is
measured:
“Our son backed the car
into a tree? Well…I suppose
it’s still better than dealing
with a constipated hamster...”
In fact, the only crisis that
has come close — appropri-
ately enough — involved the
same hamster. It was a
moment that began with a
simple statement from my
daughter.
three nights after the consti-
pation incident, transformed a
quiet Wednesday evening into
a full-scale hamster hunt.
Within minutes, our team
was assembled around the
kitchen table for a briefing.
“There’s no telling how
long he’s been on the out-
side,” I said. “There’s a good
chance he’s already assumed
a new identity — perhaps as a
mouse or gerbil. Keep you
eyes open.”
A collective nod from the
team.
“We’re going to concen-
trate our efforts in the area
between the guest room, ham-
ster cage and attic,” I said.
“It’s called cross-triangula-
tion.”
“I see, like the Bermuda
Triangle,” my oldest daughter
said.
I gave everyone their
assignments, then dispersed
the posse. “Let’s go do some
good!”
Excitedly, my then two-
year-old son broke from the
group and rushed through the
kitchen with his flashlight -
then promptly sat in our dog’s
water bowl.
Things pretty much went
downhill from there.
What makes hamsters so
hard to catch is that... well,
they’re small. And they can
make themselves even small-
er just by thinking about it.
They also have no bones
and can run in excess of 70
mph. None of this is covered
in the handbook, which por-
trays hamsters as funny,
quizzical characters with spe-
cial little pouches for storing
food on either side of their
jaws.
What the book doesn’t tell
you is that those “little pouch-
es” can actually stretch to
accommodate food items
much larger than the hamster
itself, similar to an anacon-
da’s ability to swallow the
entire Budweiser draft horse
team.
It was this thought that sur-
faced as I scooted belly-first
through the crawlspace in our
attic with a flashlight wedged
between my teeth. I’ve never
been keen on tight spaces, so
when I caught the reflection
of black eyes peering back at
me from the insulation, I was-
n’t thrilled to discover that
my rear end — which had
slipped forward through the
crawl space with minimal
effort — was now meeting
resistance similar to an ele-
phant backing into a shower
stall.
In front of me, Squiggles
was preparing his pouches for
something really BIG.
“He’s over here!” I called
out in a tone my daughter
mistakenly thought was a
scream.
“Where are you?”
“Purgatory. Or the crawl
space in our attic, I forget
which.”
“Can you see him?”
“Yes, and he looks hun-
gry.”
“Can you grab him?”
“Not exactly; I can’t
move.”
Fortunately, I learned a
couple of things during this
recovery mission. First, given
a choice, hamsters prefer fruit
rolls to fat rolls. I also learned
that cooking spray is as effec-
tive as WD-40 when it comes
to loosening grown men out
of tight spaces.
And even though Squiggles
is no longer with us, he lives
on.
I don’t mean in the walls.
I mean by helping me keep
perspective with each family
crisis.
Especially if there’s Pepto
Bismol involved.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
Write to him at nedhickson@
icloud.com.
Florence Garden Club to host plant sale May 7
Florence Garden Club
seniors planning a post high
will hold its annual plant
school career in horticulture
sale and raffle May 7, from
or a related field such as
9 a.m. to 1 p.m., at
forestry or environmental
the Disabled American
sciences.
Veteran’s building, 1715
Since the club began the
21st St.
scholarship program in
The plant sale, held the
1994, more than $51,000
day before Mother’s Day,
in scholarships has been
offers hundreds of plants
awarded.
provided by club members
The Florence Garden
in 4-inch and larger pots,
club currently has more
priced from $1.
than 100 members. The
Many are suitable as
club’s mission statement
Mother’s Day gifts.
is“...to
stimulate
the
Large plants, shrubs, veg-
knowledge and love of gar-
etables and garden art will
dening and aid in the pro-
also be available for pur-
tection of native vegeta-
chase, all well below retail
tion, birds, trees, horticul-
prices.
ture and marine sciences
COURTESY PHOTO
In addition to plants,
through educational pro-
local merchants and restau- The annual Garden Club plant sale offers hundreds of plants grams.”
rants have donated raffle ready to be added to gardens and flower beds.
The club meets the sec-
prizes.
ond Wednesday of each
All proceeds will provide Last year, the club awarded month at 1 p.m. at the
Tickets will be available at
the door; winners don’t have to scholarships to Siuslaw and scholarships totaling $4,000.
Presbyterian Church, 3996
Mapleton graduating seniors.
Scholarships are awarded to Highway 101 North.
be present.
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Florence Branch | 1875 Hwy 101 | Florence, OR | (541) 997-6000 | www.RealEstateFlorence.com
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