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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 2016
If you’ve never had food poisoning, thank a humor columnist
as each of us presents an
Ned
important topic of debate:
Hickson
What is our stance on
April 18th is National Col-
umnist Day. Being a colum-
nist, I naturally have journal-
ist friends who, whenever we
get together, want to talk
about (yawn) heady issues
facing the nation and the
world. This is done in a dis-
cussion format similar to
“Meet the Press,” except that
our debates are often inter-
rupted by someone’s beer
foaming over.
Aside from that, it’s just
like the show on TV.
As you can imagine, our
exchanges get pretty heated
political reform?
Should we overhaul social
security?
How do we deal with ter-
rorism?
Or, as I challenged: Why
do all of the superheros seem
to be fighting each other late-
ly?
That’s usually when our
debate comes to a screeching
halt and I’m forced, once
again, to defend my journalis-
tic integrity by explaining the
value of what I do as a
columnist, then emphasizing
my point by offering to pay
for everyone’s beer.
Admittedly, I have it easy
compared to other journalists
who must worry about gather-
ing “facts” and finding
“sources” while I, on the
other hand, can “make”
things up without “leaving”
my desk. Which isn’t to say
I’m not held to the same jour-
nalistic standards as everyone
else.
I can’t claim, for example,
that rubbing your head in
Frito-Lay bean dip can pro-
mote hair growth similar to
that of a Tibetan Mountain
yak.
(At least, not without some
kind of corroborating evi-
dence, such as testimony
from an actual mountain
yak.)
If I were to do this, I could
open myself up to litigation
from Frito-Lay and, quite
possibly, every bald person
smelling of bean dip.
The fact is, what I do
comes at great personal risk.
And by that I mean actual
physical danger, like the time
I was attacked by amorous
turkeys for a column about
Thanksgiving. I also mention
my editor a lot in my
columns, which is an occupa-
tional hazard my “real” jour-
nalist friends never have to
contend with.
Chances are, they’ll never
write a story, be sitting at
their desk in the newsroom,
and have a city official walk
by and smack them in the
head with the newspaper.
Yet, week after week, dedi-
cated humor columnists like
myself sit at their keyboards,
surfing the net until an hour
before deadline.
Why?
Because each of us truly
believes we’re making the
world a better place by doing
everything we can, as colum-
nists, to stay out of the
skilled-labor work force.
Let’s face it, for every culi-
nary position a humor colum-
nist takes up, there are at least
a dozen people with
Salmonella.
As columnists, we under-
stand our place in the world.
We accept the dangers.
And we know countless
people (i.e., there’s no time to
count them before my dead-
line) owe their lives to the
fact that I — and others like
me — are sitting in a news-
room writing about glow-in-
the-dark mice or how to har-
monize with your wife’s nose
whistle.
That being said, as some-
one who actually spent time
working in the food service
industry before becoming a
columnist, I’d like to thank
all of you for reading.
And also, you should wash
your hands after reading this.
(Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com)
Gospel duo to perform in Florence
Folk Mountain Gospel, the
husband-and-wife duo of Don
and Donna Mohl from Fair
Grove, Mo., will present a free
7 p.m. concert Wednesday,
April 13, at Florence Seventh-
day Adventist Church.
The Mohls perform a
unique style of music, merg-
ing their voices with Biblical
and traditional instruments
such as hammered dulcimer,
bowed psaltery, zither, moun-
tain dulcimer, mandolin, har-
monica and guitar.
The Mohls have traveled
the United States extensively
since 1988 as members of The
Master’s Travelers and Simply
His, and as Folk Mountain
Gospel. Listeners are treated
to hymns, more recent gospel
music, and a “down-home”
family-oriented message of
Jesus' love and grace.
The Mohls also blend heart-
warming stores that inspire
and encourage into their con-
certs.
The church is at 4445
Highway 101 (across from
COURTESY PHOTO
NAPA Auto Parts).
CDs, DVDs and handcraft-
ed biblical musical instru-
ments will be available for
sale after the program.
For more information call
the Seventh Day Adventist
Church at 541-997-3951
or visit www.folkmountain
gospel.com.
(541)997-6000
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Upgrades throughout in the 3-5
bedroom very clean, neat home.
Room for crafts, offi ce, storage, 2
car garage, room for RV
3-5 bdrm, 2 ¾ Ba 1756 sq ft
$219,900 BH7197 ML#16567076
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Siuslaw riverfront lot .39 acre at
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Florence Branch | 1875 Hwy 101 | Florence, OR | (541) 997-6000 | www.RealEstateFlorence.com
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