6 A
SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 2016
Why NASA will never let me order furniture
ions for hours at a time, they
Ned
were dirty, lumpy and mis-
Hickson shapen.
It wasn’t until dragging our
furniture onto the patio during
our spring cleaning that I
realized our couches looked
like they were purchased
from a crackhouse garage
sale.
After years of having the
dogs rub themselves along the
front, and motionless
teenagers planted on the cush-
And so were our couches.
After a discussion about
the merits of keeping our old
set and the cost of replacing
them with a new one, my
wife and I decided to go
ahead and get rid of our old
sofa and love seat.
Total elapsed time of this
conversation: 11 seconds.
That includes the eight sec-
onds we spent covering the
couches with a tarp so no one
else would see them.
Naturally, before going to
the furniture store, I needed
to measure the wall and floor
space in the livingroom to
ensure we wouldn’t order the
wrong size couches and end
up having a conversation like
this:
Me: Honey, would you like
me to grab you a soda from
the fridge?
My wife: Only if you're
going to the kitchen.
Me: It’s no trouble. The
other end of the couch is in
the kitchen anyway.
Admittedly, I am not a
numbers person. While some
people are able to solve com-
plex mathematical equations
dealing with numerical
sequences and the square root
of a hypotenuse triangle, oth-
ers, like myself, still haven't
figured out the correct way to
read a tape measure:
Hmmm, looks like exactly
seven feet, eight inches —
plus about three little lines.
As you can imagine, me
determining square footage
LCC offering special programs through May
Lane Community College
Florence Center will be offer-
ing a series of special work-
shops and mini seminars April
through May, as part of its con-
tinuing education program:
Join LCC Florence for for-
aging walk and farm tour:
Homegrown Public House’s
Kelsey Terry and Jen Nelson
will lead a foraging walk at
Sweet Creek Falls on Monday,
April 4.
Terry and Nelson will teach
students how to identify and
harvest edible plants. Some of
the hike’s harvest will be used
for the picnic lunch that Terry
and Nelson will prepare for the
group at Whiskey Creek
Organics, a nearby farm that
students will also tour.
ACES offers Churchill lec-
ture series:
The Adult Continuing
Education Series will present a
“Great Courses” lecture on
Winston Churchill, through
May 9, at the center.
As part of the class, students
will view a “Great Courses”
lecture by a Churchill scholar
J. Rufus Fears. An interactive
discussion, facilitated by
David Ripley, will follow.
The eight-week class will
meet from 1:30 to 3 p.m.
LCC Florence Outward
Venture to Eugene Ballet:
Lane Community College
Florence Center’s Outward
Ventures program travels back
to the 1920s on Sunday, April
10, for a matinee performance
of
the
Eugene
Ballet
Company’s
“The
Great
Gatsby,”
at
the
Hult
Performing Arts Center.
The ballet features original
choreography by the compa-
ny’s artistic director, Toni
Pimble, and live music com-
posed by Wynton Marsalis.
Pimble will discuss her
vision of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s
work in a pre-show discussion
with the audience.
Nature photography hike
offered at LCC Florence:
Photographer Curt Peters
shares tips on how to capture
the best nature shots on a hike
at Sweet Creek Falls Sunday,
April 17.
Peters will teach techniques
on how to capture still life on
the trails and motion of the
falling water and wildlife of
Sweet Creek Falls.
All levels of experience
welcome.
Memoir writing workshop
with Bob Welch:
Award-winning columnist
Bob Welch will teach a one-
day memoir writing workshop
at Lane Community College
Florence Center on Saturday,
April 23.
Welch will walk participants
through the process of turning
an idea into a story and also
offer his expertise on the pub-
lishing process.
Each participant also will
receive an autographed copy
of one of Welch’s memoirs,
“Pebble in the Water.”
To register for this or any of
the continuing education pro-
grams, visit
www.lanecc.
edu/florence or call 541-997-
8444.
was like calculating a trajec-
tory for orbiting the planet
Mars.
So I turned to the Internet
for help. It was there that I
found an actual grade school
math activity called “Henry
Carpets the Classroom,”
which teaches seventh graders
how to calculate square
footage.
It was thanks to this web-
site that I was able to deter-
mine the correct measure-
ments by hiring a seventh
grader to do it for me.
I am not ashamed of this.
I knew full well that my
wife would find out when she
balanced our account at the
end of the month.
Besides, as man of the
house, I have nothing to hide.
Well, except for those ugly
couches...
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
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