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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2015
Want to look ahead? Look no further than your behind
You should be aware that
the idea of promoting an
important issue through a
week of “National
Awareness” has gotten... How
can I put this tactfully..?
Really stupid.
There was a time when, in
order to command the atten-
tion of our entire country for
a whole week, you actually
needed to have an issue that
was important. It needed to
be something that could save
lives, improve society or, at
the very least, boost the sale
of Hallmark cards.
But not anymore.
I say this because, as you
may or may not know, we’re
in the middle of “National
Psychic Week.” (For those of
you who did not know this,
I’m sorry — but there’s a
good chance you are not psy-
skepticism [of psychics]
through factual awareness.”
Thanks to an article that
appeared in The Register-
Guard, I have a better under-
standing of how it might take
an entire week to dispel all
that skepticism — especially
after reading about Ulf Buck,
a blind psychic from Meldorf,
Germany, who claims he can
read people’s futures by feel-
ing their naked buttocks.
(Warning to women who
frequent singles bars: Men
who frequent singles bars
may be reading this column.)
According to Buck, creases
representing success, career
and artistic ability extend
inward from the extremities
of the buttocks (Similar to a
map of Hollywood), while
five other creases radiate out-
ward. Though Buck explained
that those creases represent
areas such as love and money,
when asked about that crease
radiating down the middle, he
just said, “Ewww.”
My point is, if you have a
habit of sitting naked on
wicker furniture, don’t waste
your time getting a buttocks
reading.
No. My real point is that
people no longer pay ANY
attention to “National
Awareness” weeks because
the topics have gotten so
dumb. For example, when’s
the last time you observed
“National Fresh Breath” week
with any level of enthusiasm?
Did you gargle more? Brush
better? Buy an extra roll of
Certs?
(No one in THIS office did,
I can tell you that.)
The problem is that there
are no guidelines when it
comes to petitioning for
“National Awareness” status,
which is why we have 40
states that participate in “Sky
Awareness” week each year.
First of all, do we really
need a whole week? Unless
you’re lying face down get-
ting a buttocks reading, how
long does it take to look
straight up? Considering that
there are 10 states that don’t
observe “Sky Awareness”
week at all, we can conclude
that they either, 1) Think it’s
dumb, 2) Put all of their
efforts into having a great
“Fresh Breath” week, or 3)
Have no idea the sky actually
exists.
Which could explain the
idea behind “Brain
Awareness” week.
That’s right. The same peo-
ple who brought us
“Mustard” week and “Bat
Survey” week would like us
to remember that we have
brains even though, oddly
enough, those same people
scheduled “National Hot
Dog” week to take place three
months AFTER “National
Mustard” week!
The bottom line, of course,
is that coming up with wise-
Florence Center will close on
Mondays and Fridays for the
summer through this Friday,
Aug. 14.
The Center is open Tuesday,
Wednesday and Thursday, 8
a.m. to 5 p.m.
I N BRIEF
Receive free dental
care tomorrow
SHS 40th reunion
Saturday
mation, contact Bill Libby at
broncos.7@live.com.
Korando Dental Group will
be hosting its annual From The
Heart Dentistry’s free dental
day Thursday, Aug. 13.
Registration begins at 6 a.m.
Participants must be 18
years or older to be seen and
can choose one of the follow-
ing services: cleaning, tooth
extraction or filling.
Korando Dental Group is at
1705 22nd St.
For more information, call
541-991-7920.
Siuslaw High School Class
of 1975’s 40th reunion will be
Saturday, Aug. 15, with a
potluck lunch. For more infor-
LCC summer hours
end this week
Siuslaw sports can
register online
Siuslaw
High
School
announced that it is now offer-
ing the convenience of online
registration for Athletics
through FamilyID, a secure
registration platform that pro-
vides an easy, user-friendly
way to register for programs.
The system keeps track of
your information in your
FamilyID profile. You enter
your information only once for
each family member for multi-
ple uses and multiple pro-
grams.
Go to this link to register and
for more information: www.
familyid.com/siusl
aw-high-school.
Get help with utility
costs at SOS
Siuslaw Outreach Services
(SOS) opened sign-ups for the
Low Income Home Energy
Assistance Program (LIHEAP)
on Monday, Aug. 10.
SOS will take sign-ups until
funds run out.
Only those who have not
received LIHEAP funds since
November are eligible to sign
up. This federally funded pro-
gram is designed to help low
income household deal with
rising heating and cooling cost.
To sign up or find out more
about this program, call SOS at
541-997-2816.
Women veterans
to gather for lunch
Friday
The
Coastal
Women
Veterans will be holding lunch
at Ona’s Restaurant, A131
Highway 101, North Yachats,
on Friday, Aug. 14, at 11:30
a.m.
All military women are
invited and encouraged to
attend and can call Dottie
Henderson to RSVP at 541-
902-8623.
Watch Cub Scout
Olympics Saturday
Pack 777’s Cub Scout
Olympics will be held Aug. 15,
from 1 to 3 p.m., at Miller
Park. It will be a fun-filled
event with relay races, obstacle
courses and more.
Lane Community College
cracks about buttocks read-
ings, while cheeky, requires
more brain activity than most
“Awareness Week” topics.
Though I’m sure that’ll
change some day, exactly
when is anybody’s guess.
Then again, they do say hind-
sight is 20/20.
Just ask Ulf Buck...
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com.
PENING OF “THE ANN
O
D
N
EX”
GRA
On August 14th at 10 AM , the
Florence Area Humane Society (FAHS)
is opening "Th e Annex" at
4981 Hwy 101, just north of Fred Meyer.
It will be selling estate and donated furniture, appliances and other
large items too big for the FAHS Th rift Store in Old Town, but
photos of items will be there.
THE ANNEX WILL BE OPEN
on the 2nd and 4th Fridays and Saturdays
of every month from
10:00 AM to 3:00 PM
and by appointment with
Ed at 541-999-8247.
All proceeds go to benefi t the shelter animals.
Spruce Point Assisted Living Community
Living, Loving, & Thriving
375
37
75 9th St
Florence, OR 97439
www.spruce-point.com
Caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s disease or other
memory related illnesses can be very overwhelming. We’re here to help.
Senior Gems Video Presentation Explains the Different Stages
of Alzheimer’s Disease
Wednesday, August 19th, 2:00pm
This video, featuring memory care expert, Teepa Snow, will provide you with an overview of how Alzheimer’s
disease affects the human brain. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common form of cognitive disorder. Learn the
symptoms, stages and areas affected in the brain by this disease.
Learn the ‘Best Friends’ Approach to Caring for a Loved One with Dementia
Wednesday, September 16th, 2:00pm
Learn the “Best Friends” approach. This approach is based on the work and experience of our memory care
consultant, David Troxel. Learn about this practical philosophy for anyone caring for loved ones with dementia.
Making the Day Meaningful: Why are Activities so Important?
Wednesday, October 21st, 2:00pm
Activities are essential to reducing challenging behaviors, providing a sense of purpose, preserving and
strengthening skills, facilitating social connections and promoting quality of life. Learn how to create meaningful,
appropriate and failure-free activities for individuals with dementia.
Space is limited for these FREE educational events.
For more information and to reserve your seat
please call (541) 997-6111 or visit us today!
CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK
chic.) According to one web-
Ned
site, the purpose of each
Hickson week-long focus is to: “dispel