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About The Siuslaw news. (Florence, Lane County, Or.) 1960-current | View Entire Issue (May 20, 2015)
6 A SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 2015 If you want to golf with me, bring your hardhat like to take this opportunity also suggest avoiding SCOTCH Ned to apologize once again for Hickson the tragic death of that swan Though I’ve only been golfing a few times in my life, it was clear that my repu- tation had preceded me at the course last weekend. I know this because golfers immedi- ately traded ball caps for hard hats, then scurried down into the sand bunkers like allied forces preparing for heavy fire. As I took a practice swing, the surrounding trees emptied of all bird species — not in a smooth, organized pattern, but in a frenzied explosion of flapping and panicked bird- song that left three Canada geese lying unconscious in the rough. (Speaking of which, I’d FOURSOME , SHAG BAG , HOODED CLUB , LOOSE IMPEDIMENTS , near the putting green. Had I known the difference between a putter and a pitch- ing wedge, things might’ve turned out differently for that majestic creature.) Because of my past experi- ences, I was determined to make things different this time. How? By becoming more com- fortable with the game. I immediately went online for help and, thanks to the power of the Internet, found myself on a pornography website after typing in the first term on my list: MIXED FOURSOME . For anyone else who might be looking to the Internet for golf-term clarifications, I’d and (this really goes without saying) WOODIE . While these are all legiti- mate golfing terms, try explaining that to your editor after he finds you on a web page linked to the golf term DOUBLE - D . (Which, by the way, means when a driver is used on the fairway after it has also been used to tee off — so THERE, Mr. Smarty Pants.) After getting a handle on the game’s terminology, the next thing on my list was golf etiquette. For a lot of people, one of the things that keeps them from actually trying golf is the fear of unintentionally doing something that, as a result of not knowing the proper etiquette, gets them Wyatt Cleary to receive Peace Scholarship Truth In Recruiting, a pro- gram of Community Alliance of Lane County, is pleased to announce that Wyatt Cleary, a senior at Mapleton High School, is the winner of a $500 Peace Scholarship. He will receive this award at the graduation ceremony at Mapleton High School The Florence Regional Arts Alliance (FRAA) invites members, friends and art lovers to a picnic as it hosts Chamber of Commerce mem- bers for the FRAA’s first Chamber Business after Hours tomorrow, from 5:30 to 7 p.m., at the Art Center. Come tour the Art Center, enjoy the work displayed by its members and view the work spaces of the FRAA’s Artists in Residence. There will be live music, barbecue, refreshments and a raffle of some of our mem- bers’ work. The FRAA Art Center is located at 4969 Highway 101. a hollowed-out golf club that can be loaded with tees and used as a blow gun should you need to defend yourself. But you didn’t hear that from me. This brings us to the actual fundamentals of playing golf — which begins with finding your “natural swing.” Ask any golfer the secret to doing this, and they’ll tell you its all about having the proper grip. To achieve this, make sure the back of your left hand and the palm of your right hand are both facing your target. Then, in a smooth arc, bring them up to your mouth while making sure not to spill your beer. After a couple of practice swigs, place your beer back in the cooler and you’re ready to tee-off. This may not improve your swing much, but it will pro- vide you with a legitimate excuse as to why you shot a 167 on a par 72 course. And if that isn’t enough, you can always claim that playing in a mixed foursome was just too darned distract- ing. Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His book, “Humor at the Speed of Life,” is available online at Port Hole Publications, Amazon Books and Barnes & Noble. Write to him at nedhickson@icloud.com ESTATE SALE Small business, Big savings. on June 6. These Peace Scholarships are supported by donations from individuals and organiza- tions as a way to promote alternatives to military enlist- ment and support youth who have a commitment to peace and social justice. FRAA to host Business After Hours, open house tomorrow clubbed to death by someone with a 9-iron. That’s because, to the out- side observer, things that seem to warrant a good club- bing are actually no big deal. You want to swing your club and take a six-inch gouge out of an otherwise perfect lawn? Fine. Want to drink a beer AND drive an electric go-cart through the woods? Perfectly acceptable. However, walk between someone’s ball and a small hole in the ground, and there’s a good chance you’ll be found floating in a water hazard. The thing to remember is that you will undoubtedly make some mistakes your first time on the course, and that’s to be expected. What won’t be expected is Sue Gilday Insurance Agcy Inc Sue Gilday, Agent 1275 Rhododendron Drive Florence, OR 97439 Bus: 541-997-7161 Estate Sale - Pristine Quality Great Selection Discounts up to Friday May 22 and Saturday May 23 40%. * Cut costs while still getting the coverage you need. From Business Insurance to Employee Retirement plans, I make it my business to protect yours. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. 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An independently operated subsidiary of HomeServices of America, Inc., a Berkshire Hathaway affiliate, and a franchisee of BHH Affiliates, LLC. Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices and the Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices symbol are registered service marks of HomeServices of America, Inc.® Equal Housing Opportunity.
