SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2015
9 A
Only a REAL man can iron clothes at 3,000 feet
Ned
Hickson
I have reached the conclu-
sion that most of the world’s
ironing is now being done by
men. I say this because it’s
the only explanation I have
for a sport called “extreme”
ironing, which is actually
being lobbied as an Olympic
event by “ironing enthusiasts”
— a phrase referred to in the
Bible as a sign of the coming
apocalypse:
And four horsemen will
come from the sky. And they
will lay waste to the land, but
not before having their robes
pressed by ironing enthusi-
asts...
It’s easy to understand how
extreme ironing evolved if
you keep in mind this simple
truth about the male species:
Given enough time, any
man performing a mundane
task will find a way to hurt
himself.
And if you can hurt your-
self doing it, then it’s practi-
cally a sport already. Sure,
bowling and golf may appear
to be exceptions to this rule.
But ask anyone who has ever
jammed their finger in the
ball return, or inadvertently
left a tee in their back pocket,
and they’ll tell you there is
plenty of danger involved.
As a man who irons, I
know, firsthand, the danger
that comes with pressing my
daughters’ favorite clothes.
Especially if I use the wrong
setting and turn what was
once her favorite band shirt
into our newest hand towel.
Until recently, men who
ironed were looked upon as
being wimpy.
This was a stigma left over
from an earlier time when
men brought home the bacon
and women cooked it ...
... then cleaned the kitchen,
vacuumed, washed the dishes,
bathed the kids, and did all
the laundry. Back then, men
who refused to perform
domestic chores were still
called masculine things such
as “The Breadwinner,” “King
of the Castle,” and “Man of
the House.”
Generally by other men.
Today, men who want to
bring home the bacon —
while avoiding any domestic
chores — are called other
things, such as “single” or
“recently divorced.”
As a result, we men have
come up with a way to
demonstrate our unquestion-
able maleness by 1) taking a
simple task and 2) making it
as difficult as humanly possi-
ble. This is the general idea
behind “extreme” ironing,
which, according to its web-
site (www.extremeironing
.com) “combines the excite-
ment of an ‘extreme’ sport
with the satisfaction of a
well-pressed shirt.”
Being a man, I can appreci-
ate that kind of logic.
Any woman can iron a pair
of slacks; it takes a MAN to
do it while jumping out of a
plane.
Because of this, I have
decided to train for the 2016
Extreme Ironing World
Championships, which my
daughters have pledged their
support for by providing me
with as much ironing to do as
possible.
In fact, as a demonstration
of their unselfish commitment
to my goal, they each recently
purchased entire new
wardrobes, none of which is
“wrinkle free.”
My hope is that the experi-
ence will draw us even closer
together as a family.
At least, once I can find
them on the other side of this
pile of ironing.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
I N BRIEF
The April Pre-diabetes/
Diabetes Support Group has
been cancelled.
The next meeting will be
Tuesday, May 19, at 2 p.m., in
the conference room at the
Siuslaw Public Library.
Meetings are the third
Tuesday of the month.
Friends of Library
board meeting
The Friends of the Siuslaw
Public Library will hold its
monthly
board
meeting
Thursday, April 23, at 11 a.m.,
in the Bromley Room.
All members and anyone
interested in supporting the
library or learning more about
the Friends is invited to attend.
Refreshments are provided.
The purpose of the FOL is to
support the Siuslaw Public
Library.
For more information, con-
tact SiuslawLibraryFriends@
gmail.com.
SWIM, SRAC meeting
set for Thursday
Fall 2015 SES
registration for
in kindergarten
Siuslaw
Wellness
Mapleton
(SWIM)/Siuslaw
Regional Aquatic Center
(SRAC) invites the public to
attend a meeting on Thursday,
April 23, at the Siuslaw Public
Library, in the Bromley Room,
at 5:30 p.m.
Efforts to restore the compet-
itive sized swimming pool at
Mapleton Middle School will
be discussed.
Kindergarten registration for
fall 2015 within the Siuslaw
School District will be April 20
to 30, from 8 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.
each day at Siuslaw Elementary
School.
Enrollees must be 5 years old
on or before Sept. 1, 2015.
Parents should bring proof of
age and an immunization
record.
No child will be admitted or
allowed to attend school in the
fall without proof of age and
immunizations.
Buy books, help the
library April 25
The next Siuslaw Public
Library Book Sale will be
Saturday, April 25, from
10 a.m. to 4 p.m.
This sale will include only
non-fiction books, such as cook
books, how-to books, biogra-
phies and other subjects. The
sale will be in the Bromley
Room at the Siuslaw Public
Library. Cash, checks and cred-
it cards will be accepted.
All proceeds benefit the
library. This event is sponsored
by the Friends of the Siuslaw
Public Library
Vote for Siuslaw
School Garden once
a day
The Siuslaw School Garden
Program entered the Seeds of
Change Grant Program for an
opportunity to win a $20,000
grant.
Through April 27, the com-
munity can support the garden
program
by
visiting
facebook.com/seedsofchange
or seedsofchangegrant.com
and vote each of those days.
Community Chorus
to take stage May 3
May 3, at 2 p.m., the
Community
Chorus
of
Florence will present its
Hooray for Hollywood at the
Florence Event Center.
The Flotones are special
guests and the Siuslaw
Children’s Choir will debut.
In addition, scholarships will
be presented to deserving stu-
dents.
Call the FEC at 541-997-
1994 for tickets. or visit the
chorus website at www.
communitychorusflorenceor.
org.
LCC to host program
on sustainability
The LCC Florence Center
(3149 Oak St.) invites the pub-
lic to attend “Sustainability:
Surviving and Thriving in a
Changing World,” presented
by LCC faculty member
Margaret
Robertson,
on
Thursday, May 7, at 5:30 p.m.
Learn about the possibilities
for a regenerative future in a
healthy and sustainable world.
Refreshments will be served.
Dunes City Triathlon
run, ride, swim
The annual Oregon Dunes
Triathlon and Duathlon will be
held May 9. Interested athletes
can
register
at
www.
oregondunestriathlon.com.
Anyone that is interested in
volunteering for this one-day
event can call Renee at Dunes
City Hall 541-997-3338.
Pre-race
announcements
will begin at 7:45 a.m. The
transition area will open at
6:30 a.m
Toastmasters to host
workshop May 9
The Toastmasters club in
Florence,
Siuslaw
Tale
Spinners, will hold the second
in their series of free communi-
ty workshops on Saturday,
May 9, from 1 to 3:30 p.m., at
the Siuslaw Public Library.
The workshop, Set Powerful
Goals That Motivate You, will
be held as part of the open-
house program.
Boardwalk Market
re-opens May 16
The Florence Boardwalk
Market’s 2015 season kickoff
is Saturday, May 16.
CYAN MAGENTA YELLOW BLACK
Diabetes meeting
for April canceled