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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2015
Just what we need: intoxicated cats
the wine is made from a com-
Ned
bination of Cabernet grapes
Hickson and catnip, two flavors cats
As if we didn’t have
enough to worry about with
North Korea, ISIS and the
very real threat of another
Justin Bieber album, now we
can add “drunken cats” to our
terrorist watch list. That’s
right. Because it’s not like
cats didn't already have
enough attitude, right?
Thanks to Japanese manu-
facturer B&H Lifes, cats can
now get drunk and REALLY
disagreeable while drinking a
new wine developed specifi-
cally for the feline palette.
According to B&H Lifes,
find irresistible — and the
second of which manufactur-
ers explain “helps cats release
their inhibitions.”
Apparently cat inhibition is
a big problem in Japan.
I may be overstating this,
but I have yet to meet a cat in
the U.S. that has a problem
releasing its inhibitions. Or
anything else for that matter
if the mood strikes. In fact, if
anyone needs to be drinking
catnip-laced wine to release
their inhibitions it’s American
cat owners, many of whom
spend more time picking out
dinner for their cat than they
do their family.
Why?
Because even though they
may whine, complain and
refuse to eat dinner, most
children won’t climb onto the
back of the couch while
you’re watching TV and bite
your head. I say “most chil-
dren” because, hey — I don’t
want to seem unfair to cats.
The truth is, even the
names of cat food demon-
strates the level of servitude
we have come to accept.
Fancy Feast: How DARE
you offer a plain feast!
Tender Vittles: Sure, cats
have razor-sharp teeth made
specifically for chewing and
grinding. But why should
they have to make the effort?
Royal Feline: Just a
Public Safety Levy audit positive
EUGENE — Yesterday, Jan.
27, the Lane County Board of
Commissioners heard from the
external auditor hired to exam-
ine the funds from the Public
Safety levy approved by voters
in 2013. The results of the
audit show that the funds have
been used to fund the programs
as required by the levy.
One of the provisions of the
Public Safety Levy, Measure
20-213, passed in May of
2013, was an independent
audit of how the money was
spent.
“This audit has been com-
pleted and validates the trust
and confidence the citizens of
Lane County put in the
Sheriff’s Office,” said Lane
County Sheriff Tom Turner.
“The money was used exactly
as the levy was written, provid-
ing jail and Department of
Youth Services greater capaci-
ty to hold violent offenders,
and allowed the first step in the
repair of the most broken ele-
ments of our Public Safety sys-
tem.”
Lane County Health and
Human Services Director
Alicia Hays said, “With the
support of the voters, we have
doubled the number of youth
services treatment beds. We are
serving more youth during
their time of need, and helping
protect our community.”
SSWCD seeks contractor
The Siuslaw Soil and Water
Conservation District is seek-
ing licensed contractors to
implement the riparian plant-
ing portion of the Fiddle and
Morris
creeks
Riparian
Restoration Project.
The deadline for bid sub-
missions is Saturday, Jan. 31.
Contact
the
District
Watershed
conservationist
Seth Mead at 541-997-1272,
or
email
him
at
siuswcd@qwestoffice.net for
project details.
The audit, conducted by
accounting firm Moss-Adams
LLP, was a multi-month
process to provide an inde-
pendent perspective about how
the funds collected were ulti-
mately used. Moss-Adams is a
leader in assurance, tax, con-
sulting, risk management,
transaction and wealth servic-
es, with a staff of more than
2,000.
The audit memo concluded
that “In our opinion, the sched-
ule and management’s asser-
tion that the County complied
with the aforementioned
requirements for the year
ended June 30, 2014, is fairly
stated, in all material respects.”
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reminder that you are but a
cat's handmaiden or squire.
Let’s take a moment to
compare this with the names
of dog foods.
Science Diet: We’re basi-
cally experimenting on you,
buddy.
Old Yeller: Your dinner is
named after a dog that was
shot after contracting rabies.
Eat up, boy!
Pedigree: We just don’t
want you to forget you're
actually a mutt from the
pound.
It’s easy to see the hierar-
chy cats have already estab-
lished while sober. Do we
really want to add the unpre-
dictability of cats with a
drinking problem to the equa-
tion? We all know alcohol
affects people differently. It
stands to reason the same
applies to cats.
That’s why I’m not willing
to roll the dice with my own
cat, who I’m pretty sure
would be an angry drunk. The
last thing I want is for my
children to see Mittens on a
drunken tear, meowing about
how we love the dog more,
that birds constantly mock his
failure as a hunter, and how
being neutered has kept him
from having a meaningful
relationship.
While it’s true manufactur-
ers say there’s no actual alco-
hol in its cat libation, called
Nyan Nyan Nouveau, which
is Japanese for “Meow Meow
Wine,” it does contain catnip
— which has the same intoxi-
cating effect as “a feline
slamming Jack and Cokes
with Charlie Sheen,” warns
Animal Planet cat behaviorist
Jackson Galaxy. “Nothing
good can come from making
wine available to cats. Or
Charlie Sheen.”
My thoughts exactly.
So thanks, Japan, but I’ll
stick to being a manservant to
our cat while it’s sober and
indifferent.
I’m used to it.
Spruce Point
Assisted Living
presents:
SAFETY
FIRST
SafetyMan says
“Always be Safe to Ensure an Active
& Independent Lifestyle”
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
S
Join us as we host a lecture series to increase safety awareness on fall prevention, common home
injuries and provide solutions to keep you and your loved one safe. Classes are FREE to the public.
Durable Medical Equipment Can
Keep You Independent
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2:00 PM
Eat Healthy for Life and Prevention
of Diabetes
THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2015, 2:00 PM
Managing Activities of Daily Living
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29, 2015, 2:00 PM
Surviving the Heat
THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2015, 2:00 PM
Falls Are Preventable
Beyond Balance
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2015, 2:00 PM
THURSDAY, JUNE 26, 2015, 2:00 PM
Modifying Your Home for Safety
THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 2015, 2:00 PM
All Participants will be entered into a raffle for a $25 Gift Card. To RSVP and to find out about our
Move In Specials call (541) 997-6111 or visit us today!
Managed by
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375 9th Street
Florence, Oregon 97439
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