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SIUSLAW NEWS ❚ WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2015
Swearing-off caffeine has only led to one thing: More swearing
Syndrome and, in the case of
Ned
Lizzy Borden, involuntary
Hickson manslaughter.
Today, like each day since
the start of the new year, I’ve
abstained from my morning
cups of coffee — a decision I
reached during a moment of
weakness sometime around
midnight on New Year’s Eve,
after several glasses of cham-
pagne. While this decision
has possibly made me a
healthier person, it has also
made me a crankier one.
This is due, in large part, to
the decaffeination process
itself, which can cause
headaches, drowsiness, con-
stipation, Tourette’s
After doing some research,
I realized that there was more
to beating this thing than just
dealing with the physical
craving which, for someone
who drinks coffee all day, is
similar to the craving one
might have for, say...
Breathable air.
I also had to take into
account the mental aspect of
my addiction — which is
really about me having an
excuse to leave my desk. On
a good day, between coffee
refills and trips to the bath-
room, I can spend as little as
eight minutes actually work-
ing at my desk. Because of
Luncheon set to benefit
Mapleton Food Share
An annual luncheon and
game
party
benefitting
Mapleton Food Share will take
place Jan. 26, begining at
11:30 a.m., at the Florence
Elks Lodge.
Admission to the event will
be $12, with lunch provided by
the Elks Lodge’s chefs
promptly at noon.
There will also be door
prizes, a raffle and table
games.
Any nonperishable food
items will be accepted at that
time for Mapleton Food Share.
All proceeds will go to
Mapleton Food Share.
For more information or to
register, contact Jan Naylor at
541-997-9396.
this, it was clear that conquer-
ing my physical addiction
wouldn’t be enough.
I needed a replacement
beverage.
Though I briefly enter-
tained the idea of decaffeinat-
ed tea, I decided against it.
Mostly because I can never
figure out what to do with the
tea bag once it’s done steep-
ing.
Do I throw it out? Save it?
Put one over each eye and
take a nap?
The truth of the matter is,
men are not “steepers.” A
man wants to wake up, fill his
mug with something close to
8,000 degrees Fahrenheit and
immediately drink it. A man
doesn’t have time for steep-
ing. In fact, he hardly has
time to get to the hospital
after drinking his 8,000-
degree beverage.
This left me with three
viable alternatives:
1) Hot chocolate
2) Some kind of soy drink
that, according to the label,
can be consumed either hot,
cold or as a grilled patty
Or
3) “Postum.”
After reading the label on
the hot chocolate canister, I
realized that, based on my
average daily hot-beverage
consumption, replacing coffee
with hot chocolate would
result in an estimated weight
gain of just under 600 pounds
in five weeks. This, of course,
would defeat having an
excuse to leave my desk since
I would no longer be able to
fit through the door of our
home.
I considered the soy-drink-
patty-thing, but couldn’t get
passed the idea of consuming
something that can be ref-
fered to as the soy-drink-
patty-thing.
This left me with “Postum”
as my morning beverage of
choice. For those who are
unfamiliar with this product,
it is a coffee alternative that is
completely caffeine free
because it is made from “all
natural” ingredients like
wheat, corn, sea weed, yarn,
tree bark, bone meal and sim-
ulated wood paneling, all of
which is then ground up and
allowed to “steep” before it is
eventually freeze-dried to
resemble Taster’s Choice.
I’ve been drinking it for a
about a week now, and it’s
not all that bad. Still, I’m not
convinced that Postum’s
claim to be “The Truly
Soothing Hot Beverage” is
true.
In fact, I’d KILL for some
coffee right about now.
Ned is a syndicated columnist
with News Media Corporation.
His book, “Humor at the Speed of
Life,” is available online at Port
Hole Publications, Amazon Books
and Barnes & Noble. Write to him
at nedhickson@icloud.com
KRAB KETTLE
280 Hwy. 101 M 541-997-8996
Mon.-Sun., 10-6
Fresh
CRAB
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•Day Care •Overnight Care
•Weekly and Monthly Service
Open 7am-7pm Daily (after hours available)
24-Hour Caregiver on Site - Licensed and Insured
4370 Hwy. 101 North
In the Florence RV Complex (next to Bi-Mart)
541-590-2466 - Shot Records Required
A Taste of Florence
Dining Guide
Restaurant
& Tea Room
Featuring this week:
Regular Menu:
Crab Cakes
Stuff ed Sole
Shrimp Salad
Ham-Apple Hot Sandwich
Lamb Pasty
Chicken Cordon Bleu
Quiche of the Day
French Press
Coff ee
Large Tea
Selection
Soups:
Pea with mint
Clam Chowder • Salmon Bisque
195 Nopal Street • 541-902-0502
1285
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Reservations Suggested.
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SALMON:
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Blackened
for Kids"
tables
which
raise
money
for
local
charities
CHICKEN BREAST: Boneless, Skinless Breast of Chicken
that are devoted to helping the wellbeing of local
SHRIMP SKEWERS: 2 Grilled Shrimp Skewers
children. This month CROW is the
All of the above are served with
Green Beans or local
Mixed charity
Steamed being
Veggies honored.
and a Shrimp Dinner Salad
NEW
By sitting at these
tables ITEMS
you help a
specific
local RIBS:
charity
each
BBQ PORK
Baby
Back and
Pork Ribs with the
every time. We James
thank Gang
you BBQ
for Sauce
that!
BLACKENED SALMON CEASAR SALAD
Old Town, Florence • Daily 11 am - 8 pm
Mo’s
Town,
Florence
• Daily
11 am - 8 pm
Serving Old
Bowls
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for Over
50 Years
®
Serving Bowls of comfort for Over 50 Years • 541-997-2185
Grand Opening
Craving scrumptious Chinese food?
Then the NEW LEE’S WOK
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• FINEST MEAT
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Mention this ad and receive 10% off your meal!
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(Formerly China Bay Restaurant)
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Open for Lunch & Dinner • Lunch Specials Daily
STEAKS – SEAFOOD – NOODLES
Buy a Burger or Sandwich and
get $3.00 off the Second one!
(Equal or lesser value, elk burgers not included)
Check out our daily $6.95 early bird special
7:00 am to 9:00 am
(Monday through Friday)
435 Highway 101
541-902-2449
P ROVISIONS
• Tuesday - Sliders & House Wine - $10
Lamb or Beef
• Wednesday - Burger & Brew $8.50
Lamb, Beef or Chicken
• Thursday - $4 Margaritas - $2.50 Tacos
FAVES!
WINTER SPECIAL!
Shellfi sh Madness & Crab Encrusted Halibut
OPEN TUESDAY-SATURDAY AT 3 P.M. • CLOSED SUNDAY-MONDAY
FAVES!
541-997-1646 1269 Bay Street • Old Town Florence
Surfside Restaurant
On the Ocean
W INE B AR & S ALES - D ELICATESSEN
Locally Baked Pastries – Breads – Muffins
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Wine Tasting Saturday & Sunday
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FAVORITE MEAL
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Open 7 a.m. 7 Days a week
88416 1 st Avenue
541-997-8263
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