Oregon City enterprise., March 19, 1875, Image 1

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DEVOTED TO POLITICS, NEWS, LITERATURE, AND THE BEST INTERESTS OF OREGON.
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VOL. 9.
THE ENTERPRISE.
AlOl OEIWICRATIC NEWSPAPER
Firatr,Bttsiv() Man, k Family Circle.
WVZl BVKRT FU1DAT.
A. NOLTNBR,
EDITOR AND PUBLISHER,
miciittii CLACKAMAS CO.
,i-irirn:-In Enterprise Building, one
jrfoutaofMrwnlcllulldinar. Mala W.
Terms oZ Subscription i
Sinsl. Copy One Year. In Advance $i50
Term -pf Advertising!
Trniont advertisements. Including .!
T aU legal notice. souare of twelve
For eacU subse.Ant insertion LOO
on. Column, o j ye -.-
,:,r. Card, uarcjoneyear...... 12.00
SOCIETY NOTICES.
OREGON LODGE NO. 3, I. I. .
Meets everv Thursday
eveuineat 7 H o'clock, in tho g3
OdJ Fallow Hall. Manx a
street. Members of the Or
GUr ro invited to attend. Uy order
ui:m:ccA dkoree L.otsu no.
X, I. O. O. b. Meets on the jfmTm
dav evenings each month,
at '? 'v. u'..iriik. in the Odd
Follows Hill. Memborsof the Degree
are invited to attend.
.L'LTXOMAIl I.OOf.'IJ NO. I, A.
Jr. A. M., IIoKls its regular com- ft
in uuiealiom on the First and i"A
Tjird S.iturdavs in each month,
al"7 o'clock from the'J'Jth of Sep.
timber to the mJt.Kh of Marcu; and 7'i
o'clock from the 'JHli of March to the
2Jth of N-ptemtor. ilrethren in good
'.auiiin aru invited to attend.
iiy rder o; W. if-
ril.LS liC ARIl'MRX T NO. 1,1. O.
O. K., Meets at Odd Fellows
t r ii . ..ii.. .i.l T ! r-l 'Piww.
f .i.ii moiirli. Patriarchs
i:i ' ad sUiudiUijVro invited to attend.
ci.u'K i:ncampmi:n r no. , c.
K : Mt at Oild Fallows Hall, In Ore-
r., u'i'- or-;jn, M iii.iy evftiiini, at
T' Vclosx. M:iiii)r of th. orclr aro in
ritd to attid. M. C ATI LEV, C
J. A. Ja.-ox. II. S. ma-Tly
B U S .V hi S X C A It D .sr.
,r. w. totalis, M. D..
pavsiruNlNO svuueox.
o it sit o x l r r. o n a it y -v.
......
B-y-O.H;r l'-Staiu C iiar.u.vn's Brick,
Maia Siroet. nulltf.
W. W. 310 UK LAM),
ATTORNEY-AT-LAW;
ori:gon cm, okkgo.v.
OfPICKSIain Street, opponite the
C rt Uoue.
S. UUEL AT
ATTORN EY-AT-LAW:
CITY,
OREGON.
"OFFICE Charmau's brick. Main st.
5marlS7J :tf.
JOHNSON & McCOWN
inonnTs counselors at-law.
Oregon City, Oregon.
"Will practice In all the Courts of tho
Slat". Special attention jyivon to cases In
the U. S. J .a ad UfTlce at Oregou City.
5aprlS72-tf.
. L. T. 33 A II 1 1ST
ATTORNEY-AT-LAW,
OREGON CITY, : : OREGON.
OFFICE Over Tote's Tin Store, Main
treet. 21mar73-tf.
Dr. S. PARKER,
1ATE OF POKTIAMD. OKFEIW HIS
A ervic's as Physician and Surgeon to
the people of Clackamas county, who may
at any ttm be in neod of a physician. Ho
has opened an office at ard & Harding's
( rru St'irT; Mrli-re h can be found at all
tims of theiay when not enga-red In pro
fessional calls. Residence, Main Street
pxt door but one above It. Cautlold's store'
3 October 23. 1ST 4. Vf
JOHN M. IJAGOX,
IMPORTER AKP PEATJ5R
In Books, Stationery, Perfum
ery, etc., etc.
f3
tfrt'gon City, Oregon.
' aAt Charman A Warner"sold stand,
lly occupied by S. Ackeman. Main st.
OREGON CITY BREWERY.
Henry Humbel,
TTAVINM PURCHAS-
I X ecT'thrt alxve Brw- r
erv wishes to Inform the public that he is
noTr prepared to manufacture a No. 1 qual
ity or c,
LXG Hit BBBR,
n good as can bo oltalned anywhere In
the State. Orders solicited and promptly
filled.
OYSTER SALOON '
AND
RESTAUR AMT!
LOUIS SAAL, Proprietor.
Main Street, - - , - Oregon City.
' 0T.EIS XVIT' BE SERVED FROM
a xJ J after this date during the Winter
iT Thft,,est qualities of
r IlKNCH .nd AMERICAN CANDIES.
1:3 for sale ia quaatilles to suit.
1 "'IS'ffl'0" ot w
Prospectus for 1875 Eighth Year.
THE AliDIiyjE,
THK ART JOIR.VAL OP AMERICA,
Issued Monthly. .
"A Magnificent Conception, Wonderfully
carried out."
The necessity of a popular medium for
the representation of the productions of
our great artists, has always been recog
nised, and many attempts have - been
made to meet the want. The successive
failures which so Invariable followed each
attempt In this country to establish an
art Journal, did not prove the indifference
of the American people to the claims of
high art. So soon as a proper appreciation
of the want and an ability to meet It were
shown, the public at once railed with en
thusiasm to its support, and theresult was
a groat artistic and commercial triumph
THEALDLVE.
THE ALPINE, w hile issued with all the
regularity, has none of the temporary or
timely interest characteristic of ordinary
periodicals. It is an elegant miscellany of
pure, light, and graceful literature ; and a
collection of pictures, the rarest specimens
of artistic skill, in black and white. Al
though each succeeding number affords a
fresh pleasure tojits friends, the real value
and beauty of TheAlUine will be most ap
preciated after it is bound up at the close
of the year. While other publications
may claim superior cheapness, as compar
ed with rivals of a similar class, The Aldine
is an unique and original conception
alone and unapproached absolutely with
out com pet it ion in price or character. The
possessor of a complete volume could not
duplicate the quantity of fine paper and
engravings In any other shape or number
of volumes for ten times its cost ; and then
there is the chromo besides!
IIIEMIXJAI FOR 1S75.
Every subscriber for 1S75 will receive a
beautiful portrait, in oil colors, of th same
noble dog whose picture in a former issue
attracted so much attentisn.
" Man's Unselfish Friend"
will be welcome In every home. Every
body loves such a dog, and the portrait is
executed so true to tiie life, that It seems
t he veritable presence of the animal Itself.
The Rev. T. I)e Wit Talmage tells that his
own New Foundland dog (the finest In
Brooklyn) barks at it ! and though so nat
ural, no one who sees this premium chro
mo will have the slightest fear of being
bitten.
Besid'-s the chromo, everv advance sub
scriber to The Aldin for IS7-3 is constituted
a member, and entitled to all the privil-
K S THE ALDINE ART UNION.
The Union owns the originals of all the
Arlinr pictures, which, with other paint
ings and engravings, are to be distributed
among the members. To every series ot
.,(HK) subscribers, 100 different pieces, valu
ed at over $2,500, are to be distributed as
soon as the series is full, and the awards
of each series as made, are to b published
in th next sui-"ceeiing issue of The AlUiae.
This feature applies only to subscribers
who pay for one year in advance. Full
particulars in circular sent on application
enclosing a stamp.
Our Subxcript ion, entitlint; to THK
ALDl.VK on. year, I lie ( liromo
mul the Art Union,
$( per Annum, in Advance.
(No charge for iostage.)
Specimen copies of THK ALDINE, 50c.
CANVASSERS WANTED.
Any person wishing to act permanently
as a local canvass: r will receive full and
promt information bv applying to
THE ALDINE COMPANY,
5( MAIDUX LAXE, XE1V YOIt .
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I now off 'r this stock of Goods
i at Prices- far below auv other
house in the State.
Times are hard and money
scarce and I will give every one
the worth of their money.
I also keep a full assortment
of
OUEGOX CITY MADK
Men and Hoj'
Clot hinjf,
I'ndcrwpar,
Flu ii neli,
Ulniikfti,
Antl Varus. I
Hi
ALSO
Cirocerie,
Cutlery,
Jevelry,
otioii.
Musical
Instruments,
Toys,
Etc.,
AT THK
Lowest Prices
For CASH.
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.LEVY'S.
8 i oct!6tf
OREGON STEAMSHIP CO.'S
STEAMBOAT NOTICE!
Str. jST. COOKE,
Will leave OREGON CITY for PORTLAND
every day Except Sunday, at 7H o'clock,
A. M. Iteturning, will leave Portland for
Oregon City at Z o'clock, P. M.
StT. ALICE,
Will leave ORPOnV riTY hrPORViTT.TS
every Monday and Thursday of each week.
Str. DAYTON,
1ave REGON CITY for McMINN-
ILLE, LAFAYETTE and PaYTON, and
all points between, every Mondav, Wed
nesday and Friday of each week. "Leaves
?. .sm Rt 8 o'clock, a. at., and connect
with the train at Canemah at 9, A. m.
Stv. ALT3ATNTY.
I5?-?EJJPX CITY for HARRISBURG
every week aDd interraedate points
Sti ITaimie JPatton,
Ml imer N CITY for ALBANY and
erv wk dlat 1)01,118 bwen twice ev
Olon atjg nt.
CALUND SETTLE.
4 11 persons Indebted to the undersiimed
fur lssional services are reVnert
fully requested to call and scttfe thae
eounts to the 1st of Januarv, 1S75. I desire
all my accounts closed at the beffinninr
the New Year, and thos knowing tSem
selves indebted will confer a Sfavor
me by making early payment.
Janl5tf J. W. NORRIS.
FORSALE.
THE UNDERSIGNED OFFERS HIS
premises. In Oswego, for sale at a har.
gain, for cash. There is a fine dwelling
and out buildings, orchard and about three
acres of land. Finely situated for a board
ing house for the hands employed in the
Ironworks. J. W.CAINE.
Oswego, Sept. 10, 1S71. 3w
OREGON CITY,
THOMAS CHARMAH
ESTABLISHED
1853.
DESIRES TO INFORM THE CITIZENS
of "jKo? City and of the Willamette
Valley, that he is still on hand and doing
business on the old motto, that
'A'mmbi Six Pence U Better than a Slow
Shilling.
I have Just returned from San Francisco,
where I purchased one of the
LARGEST AND BEST SELECTED
STOCK OF OOODS
ever ho. fore offered in this city ; and consists
in part, as follows :
Boots and Shoes,
Clothing, Dry Gooda,
Hats and Caps,
Hosiery of Every Description,
Hardware, Groceries,
Paints and Oils,
Sash and Doors,
Chinawaro, Quoensware, '
Stoneware, Crockery,
Plated ware, Glassware,
Jewelry of Various Qualities
And Styles, Clocks and
Watches, Ladies and
Gents' Furnishing
Patent Medicines, Goods, Fancy No-
Rope, Faming tlonsof Every
Implements of Description
All Kinds, Carpets,
Mattings, Oil
Cloth, Wall Taper, .etc..
Of the above list, I can say my stock is the
MOST COMPLETE
over offered in this market, and wasseleted
wit h especial care for the Oregon City trade.
All of which I now offer for sale at the
Lowest Market Rates.
No use for the ladies, or any one else, to
think of going to Portland to buy gfods for
I am Dctermianl to Sell Chcajt and not to
allow myself to bo
UNDERSOLD IX THE STATE OF OREGON.
All I ask Is a fab- chance and quick pay
ments, believing as I do that
Twenty Years Experience
in Oregon City enables me to know the re
quirements of the trade. Come one and all
and see for yourselves that the old stand of
THOMAS CIIARMAX
cannot be beaten In quality or price. It
would be useless for me to tell you all the
advantages I can offer you In the sale of
goods, as every store that advertises does
that, and probably you have been disap
pointed. All I wish to say is
Conip, anil Sae,and Examine for Yourselves
for I do no wish to make any mistakes.
My object is to tell all my old friends now
that I am still alive, and desirous to sell
goods cheap, for cash, or upon such terms
as agreed uion. Thanking all for the liber
al patronage heretofore bestowed.
TIIOS. CHARMAN,
Main Street, Oregon City,
I,ep:al Tenders and Countv Scrip taken at
market rates. THUS. CHARMAN.
BET-oO.OOO lbs wool wanted bv
THOS. CHARMAN.
FALL 1 874:
Is your time to buy goods at low prices.
ACKERMAN BROTHERS
ro now recolvlng a large stock of
FALL & WINTER GOODS,
all of the Latest Styles, which will sell
AT LESS THAN PORTLAND PRICES.
Our stock has been bought for cash, and
we will sell it at a small advance above
SAN FRANCISCO COST.
"1 f 7"E WILL SAY TO EVERYBODY BE
f V fore you purchase or go to Port land,
come and price our goods and convince
yourself that we do what we say. Our stock
consists In part of
Fancy and Staple
Dry Goods, Clothing,
Hats, Boots and Shoes,
Ladies and Gents
Furnishing Goods,
Notions, Groccr
les, Hard
ware and a great many other articles too numer
ours to mention ;
ALSO
DOORS, WINDOWS,
PAINTS AND OILS,
ETC., ETC.
We will also pay the Highest Market
Price for
Country Produce.
. ACKERMAN BROS.
Oregon- City, Spt. 11, 1S74. ! tf
OREGON,; FRIDAY, MARCH 19, 1875.
Bumpology.
Fowler's Phrenology aud"M. Quads
Mumps.
"Used up!" ' 1
There, how would you like to sit
in front of Prof. , Fowler and have
him hurl the above expression at
you before he had felt of a single
bump, and followed, it by the awful
announcement: ' 1 '
"A splendid constitution in ruins!"
He said these things to me the
other day, when I, ent.. up to get
"bumped," and I've been so down
hearted ever since that one of the
coroners has kept his eye on my
every movement.
" You've got a splendid constitu
tion," continued the Professor,
speaking in the tone of a fortune
teller, "but hard work and trouble
have broken you down, and you
need a long rest."
That was nice talk to a man who
has been sick but two days in seven
years, and who has gained seven
pounds of good, solid flesh since Oc
tober, but he said so. And after
pawing once or twice over my head
he went on:
" You have no hope all ahead is
dark and gloomy to you."
If he had said I was half Indiau
and half Hottentot he couldn't have
surprised me more, but I let him go
on.
" You have no self-trust, no cheek."
After a man has been in the news
paper business seventeen j'ears and
been a reporter on a daily paper
nearly half as long, his friends may
well wonder that he has no "cheek."
The public will please take notice of
my bashful, retiring demeanor and
give me due credit. The old man
touched the bump on my head where
an iron bolt one hit me and crushed
in the skull, and said he:
" Your devotion is large and your
generosity great. You must not be
so free with your money."
The Professor sat down and took
a long long look at me. He couldn't
tell my occupation, and he finally
asked it. I replied:
" I'm a carpenter."
" Eh? How long have you been a
carpenter?"
" Two years."
" And what did you do before?"
" Lived on my money."
" I see how it is," continued the
Professor, "run through with it all!"
It makes me sad when I think of
the millions I've foolishly squander
ed in riotous living. I wish now I'd
given at least 500,000 of it to found
a home for phrenological charlatans.
" Quite religious," continued the
Trofessor as he skipped over my
head; " domestic sort of a man; loves
children; strong friendship; great
mechanical skill."
I wish I could here insert some
cuts. I'd like the public to see some
of the boxes I've tried to make, and
some of the boards I've tried to saw
inftwo straight. If any mechanic
will examine my work with saw and
hammer and then stand up and praise
my mechanical skill I'll be his friend
forever. The only neat job I ever
did with tools was putting a handle
into an ax, and the ax Hew off at the
third blow and lamed an uncle for
life.
"Yes," continued the Professor,
" you can do most anything in the
line of mechanics, and in addition to
being broken down you are consump
tive inheriting it from your mother.'
"When the deal old lady, now in
her sixty-first year, and as hearty as
an alderman, hears of this she will
feel discouraged from attempting to
make her age an even century. She's
eighty-four miles away, but her con
sumptive face rises up before me, I
hear her death-denoting cough, and
I feel as if I didn't care a cent wheth
er Forepaugh's menagerie ever struck
Detroit again. As to my own case,
my creditors are invited to meet at
the City Hall to-morrow noon and
listen to the reading of the will.
" You do things violently," re
marked the professor as he rubbed
the top of my head.
He hit it there. I never fall down
without I fall as if I weighed as
much as a horse, and whenever I
have tried to descend a pair of stairs
three steps at a time I've made what
he would call " violent failures."
I've fallen from hay-stacks, been
elevated by explosions and tumbled
from chesnut trees,' and I can't re
member of ever having stopped to
ponder and consider them calmly
and deliberately and without vio
lence. "Finally," said the Professor.be
careful of your health. Don't work
too hard at carpenter work. You
need rest with recreation, and in
time your health may be restored."
I am thankful if there is any hope.
On second thought my creditors
need not meet. Perhaps I've got as
much as half a lung left. I don't
know of a carpenter shop at present
where they want a 'good, steady man
wages no object,' and I'll have to
bear the ills of my present situation.
"Stand up, bub. Now, then,
what is phrenology?"
" A blasted humbug, sir!"
" Right, my boy."
" "Who is Professor Fowler?"
" He's another."
" Sit down, my lad; your head is
level, and again it isn't." There's
flesh and hide over your skull, in
order that your brain may have some
thing to grow from and hang on to,
and because the head iJ exposed to
accident and a light blow would
crush in the skull but for the scalp
and flesh and hair. But, my son,
when a man tells you he can hit your
traits of character one time out of
ten by feeling over your head you
migiit as well believe that he . could
tell you twice as much by
" Feeling of my boots!"
' " Go to the head, my son."
M. Quad.
COURTESY OF BANCROFT LIBRARY,
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA,
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA.
How the Hoys Served Mr. Bras-ser.
From the Detroit Free Press.
Mr. Brasser, who lives on Ninth
avenue, has a son about twelve years
old named Claudius, and the other
evening this boy received permission
to allow a neighbor's boy to stay all
night with him. The old people
sleep down stairs in the sitting-room,
and the boys were put into a room
directly above. When they went up
to bed Claudius had the clothes-line
under his coat, and "tho neighbor's
boy had a mask in his pocket. They
didn't kneel down and say their
prayers like good boys and then
jump into bed and tell bear stories,
but as soon as the door was locked
the Brasser boy remarked:
"You'll see more fun around here
to-night'thau would lie in a ten-acre
lot!"
From a closet they brought out a
cast-off suit of Brasser's clothes, stuf
fed them with whatever came handy,
tied the mask and an old straw hat
on for a head, and while one boy was
carefully raising the window the
other was tying the clothes-line
around the "man." The image was
lowered down in front of the sitting
room window, lifted up and down
once or twice, and old Brassar was
heard to leap out of bed with a great
jar. He was just beginning to dose
when he heard sounds under his
window, aud his wife suggested that
it was a cow in the yard. He got
up, pulled the curtain away, and as
he beheld the man standing there he
shouted out:
"Great bottles! but it's a robber!"
and he jumped into bed:
"Theodorius Brasser, are you a
fool?" screamed the wife as he mon
opolized all the bod-cloths to cover
up his head.
"Bo quiet, you old jade, you!" he
whispered; "perhaps he'll go away!"
"Don't you call me a jade!" she
replied, reaching over and trying to
find his hair. "Git up and git the
gun and blow his head ofT!"
Oh! yon do it!"
"Git up, you old coward," she
snapped. "I'll never live with you
another day if you don't do it!"
Brasser turned up the lamp, sat
up iu bed, and cried out:
"Is that you, boys?"
"Mercy on me! git up!" yelled
the wife as the straw man was knock
ed against the window.
"I'll blow his head off as clean as
milk!" said Brasser in a loud voice
as he got up. He struck the stove
three or four times, upset a chair
and reached behind the foot of the
bed and drew out an old armv mus
ket. "Now, then, for blood!" he contin
ued as he advanced to the window
and raised the curtain.
The man was there, face close to
the glass, and he had such a malig
nant expression of countenance that
Brasser jumped back with a cry of
alarm.
"Kill him! Shoot him down, you
old nootllehead!'' screamed the wife.
"I will by thunder! I will!" re
plied Brasser, and he blazed away
and tore out nearly all the lower
sash.
The boys up stairs uttered a yell
and a groan, and Brasser jumped for
the window to see if the man was
down. He wasn't. He stood right
there, and he made a leap at Barsser.
"He's coming in perlice boys
ho! perlice!" roared the old man.
The tattered curtain permitted
Mrs. Brasser to catch sight of a man
jumping up and down, and she
veiled:
"Theodorius, I'm going to faint!"
"Faint and be darned boys per
lice!" he replied, -wolloping the
sheet-iron stove with the poker.
"Don't you dare to talk that way
to me!" shrieked the old woman, re
covering from her desire to faint.
"Po-leece! Po-leece!" now came
from the boys up stairs, and while
one continued to shout, the other
drew the man up, tore him limb from
limb and secreted the pieces.
Several neighbors were aroused,
an officer came up from the station,
and a search of the premises was
made. Not so much as a track in
the snow was found, and the officer
put on an injured look and said to
Mr. Brasser:
"A guilty conscience needs no ac
cuser." "That's so," chorused the indig
nant neighbors as they departed.
As Mr. Brasser hung a quilt before
the shattered window he remarked
to his wife:
"Now see what an old cundurango
you made of yourself."
"Don't fling any insults at me, or
I'll choke tho attenuated life out of
you !" she replied.
And the boys kicked around on
the bed. chucked each other in the
ribs and cried:
. "I'd rather be a boy than be Pres
ident!" Archbishop Manning recently re
marked that he had long sought for
some instances of invention or dis
covery by a woman, and the best he
has been able to find was Thwaites'
soda water, an improved make of
soda water invented by a Miss
Thwaites, of Dublin, an amateur
chemist, which drove all other kinds
out of the market.
Now don't make any more fuss
about delay in the postoffice. Here
we American weoDle nao 2fi000 000
postal cards a quarter, and how 'can
me cierss nna lime to attend to let
ters with all that flood literature to
stem?
A Vermont Farmer stroked his
gray locks and sadly remarked: " I
didn't know how old and feeble I
was until I went to lick James this
morning. He's only seventeen, but
I couldn't make him holler."
Things in General.
A Detroit boy says he doesn't want
to die until he gets used to it, so it
won't hurt so bad.
Mr. Talmage'sJ$500 reward for one
"really pious advocate of the Amer
ican theater" is claimed by the Chi
cago limes. '
"Is there any man in this town
named Afternoon?" inquired a Mis
sissippi post-master as he held up a
letter directed " P. M." ,
Bayard Tayler says that California
is the place to raise children, but we
know of lots of people who are doing
well enough in Oregon.
Mrs. Sine, of New Jersey, is living
with her fourth husband, and it is
usual to repeat that old saying: "By
this Sine she conquers."
Goose quills are being imported by
Michiganders to supplant their ther
mometers so that the quicksilver can
go down as low as it wants to.
An Iowa town, says the Courier
Joumaly "has widened its streets one
hundred feet wide, so that there need
be no crowding at lynchings."
"Let us pause at the grave of
Webster," said a Vermont lecturer.
"Too cold!" shouted a man in the
audience, and no pause was made.
" Good many children!" echoed a
Missouri farmer as a traveler counted
up fourteen; "I just wish you'd
come up to the graveyard with me!"
How is it that a good-looking girl
can meet her lover in a dark hall and
almost instantly discover whether he
has had his moustache shaved off or
not.
The last heard from Dr. Mary
Walker she had hot bricks all around
her, was drinking swartweed tea, and
three small girls were wiping her
nose.
You wouldn't think it to look at
him, but Gideon Welles used to be a
boy once and tear his trowsers by
sliding down cellar doors in Dux
bur v.
An Illinois boy has carved a like
ness of Long John Wentworth, out
of a pumpkin, and the resemblance
is so close that John's friends are en
thusiastic. A St. Louis man gave a justice a
$50 bill by mistake as a marriage fee
and he had to sue the reverend and
sell the judgment at a shave of fifteen
per cent.
If Mr. Bergh can send a man to
jail for three months for killing a
mad cat, we'd like to know what he
can do with a boy who feeds marbles
to a parrot?
A Cleaveland man puts waste pa
pers into his letters, so as to make
them weigh all that will pass for
three cents. He does this to revenge
on Uncle Sam.
One reason why more burglars are
not shot in Cairo is because peojile
are afraid of killing some of the city
officers, and necessitating an elec
tion to fill vacancy.
" Only eleven cents for the hea
then!" exclaimed a Georgia colored
minister; "give it back, brudder
Jones de Lord nebber heard of dis
one-horse congregation!"
"My lecture," said a California
orator, "will be brief." A turnip
hit him on the "divide" at that in
stant, and he announced: "The
meeting stands adjourned."
They tell of a United States Sena
tor who is ashamed to have his wife
in Washington, she is so homely.
And she ought to be ashamed to
have him there, he is so mean.
We call attention of Mr. Bergh to
the fact that the wolves are in a
starving condition in Wisconsin.
Any children sent on will be prompt
ly forwarded from Milwaukee.
The New York Herald wants spe
cial street cars for ladies. Bennett
is no philosopher, or he'd understand
that women ride in street cars be
cause men are to be found there.
A Danbury boy is preparing for
Congress. He is so far gone as to
have said in a debating club oration
that " the name of the late Charles
Sumner will go crashing down the
centuries."
If you want to stop with a New
Bedford landlord a whole week for
nothing, just say to him as you en
ter the house that you never saw a
man who looked so much like Dan
iel Webster.
Pause, young man. You want to
get married, and it is about time you
did, but recollect that unmarried
men don't have to sit up all night
once a week with a shotgun watching
the clothes line.
After waiting four years a Miclii
gan lover finally popped the ques
tion, and the girl answered: " Of
course I'll have you! Why, you fool,
you, we could have been married
three years ago!"
Indianapolis papers announce that
a Limberger cheese factory is to be
established there, and in the next
column they find fault with the odor
arising from one of the big sewers.
Be consistent, gentlemen.
A Memphis fortune-teller told a man
that a fortune of $30,000 was coming
to him the next week, and he shelled
out $50 for his wife to buy a new
suit. When too late he learned that
his wife had fixed the- thing up with
the old woman.
Anna Dickinson is soon to make
her debut as Joan of Arc. She" will
appear, mounted on a snow-white
palfrey, but is much embarrassed by
the conflict of historical authorities
as to whether Joan used a side-saddle
or followed the rule laid down in
tho United States cavalry tactics.
NO. 21.
Something to Laugh Over.
The limited male a husband.
Shades of night window curtains.
Bacon's works Billiousness and
headache.
A poor relation
dote badly.
-telling an anec-
The path of duty through the
custom-house.
Dentist ballad "O, who can tell,
the jaws we feel." . . -
Near-sighted people .who keep '
boarders should not gick over the
beans.
A place of worship in Austin, Tex
as, is called "Honey Church." A
bee-coming place.
"Dust to dust," as the little girl
said when she shook the contents of
her bursted doll-baby's abdomen into
the street.
The 'Detroit ladies think that they
are wearing their hair in the Roman
fashion, because they braid it in a
Chinese tail.
It makes even the best people ui
hantiv when thev reflect that two
x . . -
shillings' worth of advice will go as
far as $10 worth.
The people or Spain are very en
thusiastic over King Alfonso; so
much so that armed men attend hina
wherever he goes. u
Proverbial Philosophy. Jenkens
(very short) : "Well, for my part, I
never heard a tall man say anything
funny in my life.
Give us the old-fashioned ghosts
the kind that send a chill up your
back. No more materialized spirits,
please. Boston Post.
"Lent in a fortnight." Boston
Post. It only took us ten minutes,
and we've been trying to get it paid
back for six months.
A punster being requested to give
a specimen of art, asked for a sub
ject. "The king." "The king is not
a subject," he replied.
The Rochester Democrat says that
small men in the overcoat of the
period have to get out search war
rants to find themselves.
Self-gratification is the high-pressure
power that keeps a man going,
and duty is only the donkey-engine
that he works at intervals.
Once when a bad man died, a sav
age wit, being apprised of the event,
observed that the average valuft of O
mankind was sensibly raised.
There is said to be but one divorce
in England to every ten in America.
Comparatively few English people
marry for fun, it would seem.
"Your feet are vry stylish," said
a man to his friend, whose feet were
covered with bunions. No, not styl
ish, but exceedingly nobby," was the
good-natured reply.
It is sad to think of the condition
of the man's soul who. says that the
more peevish women there are in the
world the sooner shall we be able to
listen unmoved to the filing of a saw.
The Secretary of the Treasury has
so far recovered from his recent
severe sprains as to be able to sug
gest the passage of a law forbidding
the importation of oranges unless
they are peeled.
Ladies must be careful or fliov
may be bitten bv a boauet. Amotiai
the recent descoveries of science is3
the declaration that nlants ran scizn
animals, kill them, and digest them
airectiy, as lood.
Sunday-school teacher to pupil:
"Now, my little man, can you ex
plain to us the cause of Adam's fall?"
Little man, emphatically: "Yes, sir;
'cause he hadn't any ashes to throw
on the sikewalk."
"We meaanred the riotous Whv
. j
against the cottage wall" is the be-
: : . : nr:i t -
paner. This is certainlv an imnrovp-
ment on the old plan of sitting down
on tne reiractory squaller.
The ianitor of the New TTamrsliirA
State House counts among his per
quisites the privilege of raising poul
try in the basement. The stock is
reported to thrive admirably under
A, 1,1 -w- - -.
me iiaicnway wniie tne legislature
is sitting.
There is no sense in a married wo
man, whose husband is in good
health, tmttinsr a chunk of we1fHrtT
' O
cake under her pillow to dream on.
io man iiKes to nounder around on
a sheet covered with crumbs. Courier-Journal.
It is simply absurd to talk about
women being qualified to fill every
position in life that a man fills. For
instance, what woman could lounge
around the stove in a country gro
cery and lie about the number of
fishes she caught last summer.
Machinery has reached a great
state of perfection. An exchange re
marks: "We reeentlv saw sotyia Immt
peas put into the hopper of a coffee-
i. T x - , . .
uiiu, auu . xii leas luau bWU minutes
ther were occmviner a nlaeo in a
grocery window, labelled 'Fine Old
Mocha.'"
The shoemakers of Lynn are out
on a strike again againSt a reduction
of wages. They held a mass meeting
on Saturday and the thread of their
discourse showed that they had wax
ed angry, and were determined to
fight to the last and give up their all
rather than yield a peg.
Nothing sets the pulses of a moth
er's heart jumping so quick as the
unexpected discovery of her baby 3
lost shoe; and when that baby grows
up to be a wicked boy, nothing kin
dles in him such anxious thoughts
as the unexpected apparition of bi3
mother's slipp1"-
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