Polk County itemizer., January 09, 1908, Image 6

A TA S TE OF B 1 0 0D
\ l
HOW I CAME TO
EAT HUMBLE PIE
[Original.]
(Original.]
Humor mZ Philosophy
ly
IUNC4N N. SMITH
ARE FREE
BUYING EXPERIENCE.
W hile making a Journey recently I
Jonathan Green will was a china
The gentleman who goes to law
fell In with a married couple who for
laorrbant o f Philadelphia. He had nev
To right a fancied wrong
urbanity, cheerfulness, kindlineaa. In- i
Discovers that the remedy
•ral ahlpa afloat, and hla sou Uol>ert
deed every trait calculated to make
Is pretty middling strong
having a taste for the sea. was given
And that he cannot get It free
command o f one of them, the Pelican. thetr own and other ’ lives pleasant,
Or buy it for a song.
The old man decided to make a voyage beut anything I had ever met.
H e calls to mind a lawyer friend
“ I have been trying.” I said to the
With his son on the Pelican and had a
And drops Into his place
gentleman, “ to fix In ray mind what
stateroom fitted up for him.
And laye before the legal light
The merits o f his case.
(
The voyage to China was unevent­ your calling may be. I cau’t quite
W ho tells him that it surely looks
ful. Jonathan Greenwill, who was a make you out. You are neither a la w ­
A winner on its face.
Quaker o f the mildest type, sat much yer, a doctor nor a clergyman. Nor do
H e says It seems as plain as day,
On deck, looking over old ocean’s you appear to be a man o f business.”
As far as he can see.
bosom, which throbbed gently; the
The gentleman pulled a card from
And that the jury and the judge.
clouds above, which rolled peacefully,
Oath bound, must so agree.
his pocket and handed It to me. I read:
and the Sea birds, which sailed grace­
And then :ie slyly hints about
A small retainer fee.
fully. Nothing could have been more
MR AND MRS WORTHINGTON
conducive to a deepening o f the old
That only gives the thing a start.
13LISS.
For as the case gets hot
tuun’s noncombatant principles.
H ealer» o f domestic wounds.
It gobbles up his bank account
The coy age out finished and a goodly
And all that be has got.
cargo o f silks, tea and other valuables
And then he finds, alas, that he
1 looked from the card to the face
Must m ortgage house and lot.
having been taken aboard, the Pelican
started for home. She was sailing o f the man with surprise and inquiry.
The
gentleman who goes to law
" I t Is surprising.” he said, "that you
southward one afternoon on the China
For satisfaction looks.
But soon discovers there are kinks
seu midwny between the Malay penin­ should be surprised. There is no pro­
N ot written in the books
sula and the Island o f Borneo when a fession In the world calculated to do
And that In place o f sweet revenge
low, rakish looking vessel appeared on so much good as ours. It is the only
H e only gets the hook^
the eastern horizon that especially ar
profession except medicine, o f which
rested Captain Itobert G reenw lll’s at­ it is in part a branch, that brings com­
Lib eral.
tention. The old man sat on deck in fort out o f suffering. There are inatri
his chair, absorbed, as usual, lu the monial brokers and divorce lawyers.
peucefulness of the scene. The captain
W hy not peacemakers?”
* went below, and when he returned
"W h at Is your clientele?”
strange noises were heard underneath.
" A w ife la wretched from some dis­
**What are those sounds, RobertV”
agreement with her husband. A hus
asked the father.
“ Guns being hauled Into position be­ baud Is wretched from some disagree
hind masked openings. Do you see meat with his wife. A daughter or a
son is making his or her parents miser
that vessel? She’s a pirute.”
“ But. Robert,” exclaimed the olu able either from extravagance, bad In
man, rising lu great trepidation, “ what lluences or an unsuitable match. W e
get at the cause or causes o f these
is thee going to do?”
disagreements, then set about remov­
“ Figh t!”
In this way we restore
The father said nothing for some ing them.
amicable relations. A better name for
time, then spoke earnestly:
“ R o b e rt thee knows my principles. our profession perhaps would be ‘re­
pairers o f fractured affections.’ When
I f thee tight, I cannot help thee.”
"Y ou can go below, father, and a wail the mechanism in which the gem love
is set becomes weak or broken w e
the issue there.”
make the necessary repairs.”
"W h at grins have thee?”
"B ut how do you accomplish re­
“ I ’ ve alwuys carried three guns o.
“ There goes a self made man.”
each broadside, and I have a plentiful sults?” I asked, with grow ing wonder,
“ W h at is the secret o f his «ucce«*?”
yet struck by the plnuslbleuess o f the
supply o f muskets and cutlasses.”
“ No secret about it at ail. Just let
“ I never knew that, or I would noi man’s words.
“ That will best l>e explained by g iv ­ him get at you and he will tell you all
have allowed It.”
ing you a few instances. A w ife re­ about It uutii you holler for help.”
,4T h a t I knew very well, father.”
An hour later the situation was as cently came to us whose husband was
W o u l d n ’t H a v e H i m .
follow s: The Pelicuu and the pirate apparently losing his love for her, his
“ N o w ," said the law yer to the coun­
w ere within a mile of each other, both horue and Ills children. Mrs. Bliss, un­
heading for tile strait. The owner oi der pretense o f being a former school­ sel ou the opposing side after he had
the Pelican was in his stateroom. To mate o f the w ife, made the fam ily a exhaustively examined his star w it­
She soon discovered that the ness. bringing out the alleged facts
euuble him to keep his principles he visit.
had locked himself in and thrown the w ife was turning the house into a that bis side had a clear case aud
key out through a porthole. In doing prayer meeting. It required the great­ that every witness on the other side
so he caught sight o f the pirate just as est tact for her to convince the deluded was a perjurer and a horse thief, “ you
she “ broke” the skull and boues from woman o f her error. A b rief season o f may take the witness.”
“ Not l,” drawled the other lawyer.
her peak, and a few moments luter she gayety was prescribed. It worked to
fired a shot across the Pelican’s bows. a charm. The husband soon tired of “ I wouldn’t take him as a gift. You
It,
and
when
he
did
he
found
his
home
might throw in his clothes, and the
Mr. G reenw lll was expecting to hear
tom e response from the Pelieuu’s guns, more to his taste. Mrs. Bliss possessed oil can with which he oils his imagina­
great
skill
or
she
could
never
have
e
f­
tion. and the monkey wrench with
but he did not. Since this was in ac­
which he tightens up the wheels in
cordance with his professed views lie fected a cure In this case, for the lady
In
question
was
a
veritable
Puritan.
should have been pleased, but he was
his head, and then I wouldn’t take
“
A
father
came
to
me
and
engaged
him. No, sir. I f I wanted a witness
not. H e started to go and see what
occasioned the delay, but found the my professional services In the case of the worst w ay and he were the only
his
son,
who
was
bent
on
marrying
a
door locked. A profane word was on
witness ou earth, I wouldn’t soil my
his Ups, but be repressed it. Mounting girl whom the father did not wish him hands by taking that low down speci­
to
marry.
I
did
not
believe
my
client
men.
Take him yourself or let the
a stool, he called through an opening
w e is
giving me the real cause o f his bailiff get a pair o f tongs and take him
above the door:
objection,'’find I set about discovering aw ay.”
“ W h y doesn't thee fire. Robert?”
But Robert was too far aw ay to hear, It. Diagnosis Is as much the principal
As Usual.
besides being otherwise engaged. Jon­ part o f our profession as o f medicine.
When the frostin g’s on the pumpkin
athan got down from the stool und I found that the cause o f disease In
And the pumpkin's in the pie,
went to the porthole Just In time to this case was In my client himself, n e
W h at a lot o f satisfaction
see the pirate fire a gnu that struck the had Injured the father o f the girl, who
Can be compassed in a sigh.
Pellcau within twenty feet of the open­ had t»een his friend. A fte r much diffi­
It ’ s a sigh o f sweet contentment;
ing through which lie was looklug. The culty I convinced him o f his fault and
It's a tribute to the skill
pirate w as now near enough for him to persuaded him to go to his friend and
O f the «laughter, w ife or mother
W ho haa stuffed us till we’re ill.
see the deck swarm ing with the ugliest make reparation. A fte r this there was
lot of yellow cutlhrouts he had ever no objection to the wedding, und tw o
She can give us cakes and pudding;
lovers were made happy.
looked at.
W e will eat them till we die.
“ And you were well paid?”
But we give the flaunting banner
Again forgetting that the door wus
T o the golden pumpkin pie.
“ Very well, indeed.
There are no
locked, I k * tried to open It. A t tliut mo
ment then* wen* three simultaneous troubles—not even at times sickness
E a s y to Finance.
booming* In his own ship, and he ran and death —so dreaded as those w e re­
“ W h at Is so disgusting as to see a
move. In this case I have Just men­
buck to the porthole to get n view. lie
young
girl
chewing
gum?”
saw activity on the pirate and new tioned every member o f both families
"Look s good to me,” replied Charley
was so delighted that, lu addition to
guns run out.
our fee o f $100, all sent us checks ag­ T igiitw ad. "T h ere is no other way I
The fight was now well on, and be
know o f to keep the dear creatures
tween the booms w ere heard sounds of gregating $2,000.”
“ Do you keep a record o f your happy for a cent."
the old man’s boot against the door of
the stateroom, which finally yielded, cases T
N o t Sup erstitious.
“ Certainly, and It Is now a long one.
aud Jonathan Green will rushed on deck
“ I don’t believe in luck.”
with a cutlass that he had picked up W e also classify them. W e have thus
“ W hy r
far on our list 125 husbands and wives
as be ran.
“ I t isn’t lucky.”
“ G ive ’em—more Imlls, Robert! Why reunited after separation and seventy-
four after legal divorce and thirty-
don't thee tire faster?”
“ A ll bauds ready to repel boarders!” seven sons sind eighteen daughters
PERT PARAGRAPHS.
who had left home In enmity restored.
was the enptu^i's onlj’ reply, seeing
Besides these, we have a great many
that the pirate was hauling in toward
The devil likes human nature tie-
cases which we put down under the cause there is something so akin to
the Pelican.
Ten minutes later the pirate had head o f scattering. These scattering JUmself in it.
grapptug irons on the IVlicau and a cases are very numerous.”
“ I see.” I said. then, after soni“
lot o f fiends were clim bing aboard. The
No doubt children regard parents as
Pelican’s crew were few er In number, thought, continued:
a great responsibility.
“
I
would
like
your
services
In
a
case
but o f a superior race. The Pelican’s
deck was higher than the pirate’s, aud o f my own. M y w ife has recently be
Nothing equals the zeal with which
as the pirates put their hands on the come Infatuated with a little whipper a foreigner strives to I k * like an Am er­
snapper
ten
years
her
junior,
neglect­
gunwale they won» chopped otT by the
ican except the zeal with which some
ing me and her children. I f you will Am ericans strive to be foreign.
cutlasses o f the Pelican’s men. Never
restore
her
to
her
senses
I
w
ill
give
theloss a number of them p>t aboard,
and both skies fought desperately. you th * biggest D m » you have e ver had.”
When people are about to prosper
Within a fortnight, by previous ar they should see to It that they get a
Finally, when half o f those who had
rangement
with
me.
Mrs.
Bliss
obtained
boarded were killed, the pirate sheered
brand that they can stand.
o!T and left the rest at the mercy o f n place with my w ife as a seamstress
I
not
only
wished
the
healer
to
influ
the Pelican’s crew.
once her. but to make a note of her
Then for the first time Robert Green
w ill got a view' o f his father. The old clandestine meetings with her lover.
At the eud o f a week Mrs. Bliss dis­
man, covered with pirates’ blood, his
eyes glaring, was hncklug aw ay at the appeared from my house, and I re
remnant o f the yellow fiends who had reived the follow in g note from her hus
band:
sought to take hts ship.
W e regrot to inform you that In your
“ H old on. father! W e ’ll take them
wo have found our first absolute
ashore and let the authorities hang
d. t. it
It would be Impossible to con­
them.”
vince a man so utterly unworthy o f a
Cither the old man did not hear or noble woman, so insensible to his own
his blood was too hot to heed.
lie defects, that In him lies the cause o f his
went on hacking and stabbing, and domestic wound Your w ife has confess
ed that her supposed cavalier Is really
the men. considering his example au her nephew whom you have never till
order, went on killing the pirates till recently seen. She has been pretending
It is no evidence that a man 1« ■
none was left alive Then, when there to flirt with him. hoping to pique you and
was no more blood to feed Jonathan bring you back to your true allegiance musician because he climbs Into the
Inclosed you will find your shortcomings baud wagon.
GreenwlH's thirst, he suddenly came to
M
himself. Dropping his cutlass, he went
down the companion way, and soon his
voice was heard wrestling In prayer
for forgiveness for having sinned In
having not only used the sword, but
having killed more pirates than any
man aboard the
F R A N K P. C H E N E Y .
fisted
W e would advise you to read
them over every day for a month.
I took Mr. Bliss’ advice and at the
end o f a week ate humble pie and pal.’
a large fee for the privilege o f being
convinced that It was my duty to do so
But the healers earned their money.
F A. M 1 T T IIE L .
M ors
Interesting Subject.
H o w 8H* Mea nt It.
“ H on Is your promotion scheme
“ H o w did Maybell enjoy the even­ coming on?"
ing?”
“ Mather slow.”
“ Not very well They didn’t have her
“ But I thought you were to meet tw o
on tin* programme ”
capitalists last ulght."
“ But I heard them asking her to
“ 1 did. but they bud hardly got to­
slug ”
gether before ¡bey discovered that each
“Yea“
bad a baby Just learning to talk, and
“ And they Instated, but she refused.” you can Imagine how much of a chauc*
“ Y es “
I bad to gat a word la. '•
“ W hat more did she want?*’
“ She la sore liera use they did not
drag her to the piano by main forc%”
C o ld S to ra g e
M eat M a rk e t
PIANO LESSONS
,
Eiler’s New Years’
Ambition leads people In a thousand
different directions, bnt u sn s'lj leave*
them all In the same locality.
The people who turn their wurde
Into deeds are too busy to uae many
words.
Probably there are a good many o f
oa brave who are unable to prove It.
A discriminating ndnd Isn't an *4-
rantage when you have hash for
breakfast
O f contee there Is no nao la worry-
toff. bat ass fulness Isn't th* ertosela*
« t tato « M u ffa
i
FRANK GLOVER
Gift to Buyers
Who Take Ad­
Early S;
vantage of Sale
I promptly obtained in all connine«, or A.______
I t r a d e m a r k s , Caveat« und Copyrights regi»- I
Now in Progress.
S P E C IA L V A L U E S T O O .
C d »
Petalum
and
D. SWIFT & CO.
1501
D. C.J
“ The self-regula
That
Washington,
-F U L
LIT SMI1
Why Not
n
Sentì forcatali
Get Rich?
The head of every home which does
not now possess a choice piano will sur­
ely he intensely interested in this an­
nouncement. Sixty-one of the finest
pianos, made bv one of the oldest and
most reliable piano manufacturers, are
being offered far below regular price.
The
recent financial
uncertainty
caught many manufacturers, in practi­
cally every line, unprepared. In this
particular instance E ller’s Piano House
secured most unusual concessions hv
taking eight carloads. 142 instruments
of 200 pianos, which had been finished,
This advantage
ad va
in turn is presented to
our patrons ; 81 have been sold.
The pianos in this sale are know far
and wide. They are o f the
highest
standing. W e are not at liberty to
mention them by name in the papers in
connection with these cut prices. It
would hurt their sale at regular prices
elsewhere. Suffice it to say the pianos
h tve never been sold for less than $275
and $400 for the fancy kind. Now they
go for $248 and $2f>4 respectively.
AND MUSIC LESSONS FREE.
Nor is the concession in price men­
tioned below’ the only attraction in con­
nection with these pianos. The buyers
of these pianos w ill secure free a term
of four months music lessons from any
school or teacher desired.
PAY $2 A WEFK.
These prizes mean for all cash, but
any reliable person may secure the same
ou payments of $li> or $18 or $10 a
month with the simple additional in ­
terest.
Remember, please, that the four
month’ s course o f music lessons will be
supplied absolutely free. The purchas­
er may select any school or teacher
preferred. We pay the bill.
No such proposition ha * ever been
made in this or any other city. W e are
sure it will never lie made again, sim­
ply because such a financial condition
never eon again arise,
Please remember, too, that the regti-
Eilers guarantee— money hack if instru­
ment is not in every way satisfac­
tory— accompanies every one of these
pianos; also the maker’s five years’
warrant which is countersigned by us.
i f you live out o f town, you need not
hesitate in securing one of these in­
struments. We will ship any style de­
sired. fancy mahogany, splendid mottled
burl walnut or quarter sawed oak. sub­
ject to inspection and approval, we tak­
ing all chances. W rite or telephone for
full description o f these pianos at once,
before all are sold.
The free music lessons offer applied
only to pianos sold before Christmas,
hut has been extended to a few days
longer. It is a double holiday remem
brance on the part of E iler’s piano
house— a remembrance to the buyer and
a remembrance to whichever teacher or
school the buyer selects.
Salesrooms are open every evening.
E iler’s Piano House, 352 Washington,
corner of Park, Portland. Or.— The
House of Highest Quality.
O f Interest to W om en.
I tered. Send Sketc h, M od e l or P h o to, f o r tree I
■ r e p o r t on patentability.
ALL b u s in e s s |
I S T R IC T L V C O NFID E N TIAL, l atent praeUce I
I exclusively. Surpassing reterem-e a
\
| W id eaw ake Inventors should h a ve ou r hand- I
| book o n flo w to obtain and Sell patents. W h at in- I
| v e n tio n s w lllp a y .ll'jw to g e ta p a r tn e r jin d o th e r I
I valuable Information. Se..t free to an y addresa. V
Seventh St.,
$375 and $400 Pianos N o w Going
fo r $248 and $264, Including the
Free Music Lessons— W rite
For Particulars at Once
B efore Sale Closes.
§
Soft solder Isn't ss strong as hard
words, bnt Is apt to be more effective.
D A LLA S , OREGON
A ll kind* of mettle, iiu lu d .n g
finii and poultry.
Satiwfao-
tiun g u a rinteed.
Go Mining
In Nevada’s Rich Gold Fields
You can extract wealtli from
the earth and remain at home
Lee Comstock Mining Co.
Will accept you as a Partner
4* 4* 4*
‘ You only buy a few dollars worth of
stock aud gei in on the ground floor.
OUR DELI
4* 4* 4*
Send 15 cts. a Share
and get a block
of stock that may
W E ’ L L SEU
Turn Cents Into Dollars
In a few weeks
4* 4* 4*
Lee Comstock Mining Co.
T h e y’ ll be ju
lected them in j
only standard <
danger of your
ies no matter hi
E. BO
Come
Box 258
R H Y O L IT E , N E V A D A
Farms
look Her«
for
ing at reasonabl
phones at Webs
STOW
Sale
I have for sale some very desirable
bargains in farm property.
A fine home of 45 acres, fine creek
bottom soil; good buddings, water
and orchard. Close to school, church,
It. It On It. K. I). route, rural phone.
A snap at only
$ 2 ,5 0 0
THE m
the
your
done.
IS
One 100 acre, well improved farm ;
25 acres plow land, 20 acres stump-
ages pnsture, balance fine fir tim ber;
good eight room new house, fine liv ­
ing water, fine orchard. Price
Only
$ 3 ,0 0 0
Fine
and I
lotion
C all ¡
One 80 acre farm, finely located,
good buildings, 45 acres plow lan d;
all stock, implements, seed, feed, in
fact everything fcoes except house­
hold effects?.
Only
$ 3 ,0 0 0
H. C. C A M P B E LL
coated.
TC
Dallas, O re g o n .
Every woman naturally should be
T h e Spirit o f W in ter.
healthy and strong, but a great many
The spirit of winter is with us mak­
women, unfortunately are not, owing to
the unnatural condition of the lives we ing its presence known in many differ­
lead. Headache, backache, and a gen­
ent wavs— sometimes by cherry sun­
eral tired condition are prevalent
amongst the women of today, and to re­ shine and glistening snows, and some -
W EBF00T
lei ve these conditions women rush to times by drivin g winds and blinding
the druggists for a bottle of some prep­ storms. T o many people it s e u n -to
R O O F IN G
aration supposed to he particularly for take a delight in m aking bad things
them, and containing, nobody knows worse, for rheumatism twists harder,
T H E BEST R O O FIN G
what. If they would plat get a box of twinges sharper, catarrh becomes more
ON T H E M A R K E T
Brandeth’s Pills and take them regularly annoying, and the many symptoms of
Made by the Northwest Roofing
every night for a time, all their trouble scrofula are developed and aggravated.
would disappear, as these pills regulate There is not much p oetry in this but
company, Portland. Does not buc­
the organs of the feminine system. The the»e is truth and it is a wonder that
kle, Guaranteed for 10 years.
same uose always has the same effect, more people dont get rid of these ail­
L. w
C. « KOSER
—.
«w * .* «
no matter how long thev are used. ments. The medicine th a t cures them i t
Agent for Polk County. H
Brandeth’ s Pills have been in use for ov­ — Hoods Sarsaparilla— is easily obtained | ^
er a century and are sold, in every drug |and there is abundant p roof that its
and medicine store either plain or sugar- cures are radical and pe rmanent.
I
♦
i
♦
ruuuuyuuyyuuuyuyrauuyuuuyuuwwuwuyyuuHi
FUCTRICITY FOR LIGHTING IS ONLY EXPENSIVE TO PEOPIE
WHO ART WASTFUL AND CARELESS.
is as prompt as
aud that is sayii
glad to uiakedi
your order be
need anything i
tate to let us Inn
I
Implemer
Generi
Fred J. 1
On January
building, a halt
rink, an agrien
and general ref
to see all my ol
them the best
that will suit.
Do Yoi
TO YOU. WHO ARF
NATURALLY CARTFUL, IT DOFS NOT COME HIGH.
It is economical because ite m be quickly turned of!' when not needed. With
g M or kerosene there is the te aplAtion to let light burn when not needed to
save bother of lighting and adjusting, in some homes the electric ligLit bill
amounts to only about $2 per month. You can prohaldy get some kind of artifi­
cial light for less money than electric light, but does it save you anything wLien it
limits opportunities for work and recreation, ruins your eyesight, smokes your
walls, mars decorations and increases household work. You can proartifi
save a dollar to morrow by going without vour meals, but it wouldn’t be econ­
omy. It is not so much wliat you save, but, how you save, that counts. We
are always ready to explain the “ ins and outs” of the lighting proposition to
you, Call on usorplione to us. We are never too busy to talk business.
Willamette Valley Company
E. W . KEARNES, .Manager, Pallas, Oregon.
Orfico on M ill street, just north o f the court house.
Phone*:
Bell, 421, M atusi, 1297.
ery
tual
* * * * * * * *
H. FI
A SU
first-di
r a l