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About Polk County itemizer. (Dallas, Or.) 1879-1927 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 27, 1883)
The Polk County Itemizer. COUNTY ISSUED EVERY SATURDAY J. 8. M o O A IN . H u b««rlytftoo K a t e s : Devoted to the Best Interests of Polk County in Particular and to the Pacific Coast in General. Risaie (JofiM U B « Year ................... « . . . ............. *J 60 7 - R*n«J« Number,.#.-.y . •SUySUMIPTlUN M U ST M W . P. WRIGHT, AUCTIONEER P R O F E S S IO N A L CARDS. w. j . M c D a n ie l , m . d ., And County Surveyor. P H Y S I C I A N ANN SURGEON ■ , :. D a lla s , O rbuon , Dallas, Oregon. OfBo« In conneefclou with J«|>. R. Miller's Drug Store. D k W. 2 T> E W I L L ATTEND TO HÏ6 FCSINKS8 IN any part of the county promptly. seSO-lf ltU B K L L . 1ST T II. 1. LINES & LAWRENCE I S T, Dallas, Oregon. * l l w o r k u o . n k ■t\ Office one door DAT.TiAS, OREGON, SA T U R D A Y , OCTOBER VOL. IX. P A ID I N A D V A NOE. in M A N U r A t T U R K R S A N D D E A LE R S IN f i h s t - c l k m style of J.D. Lcc'a White Brick. N. L. MITTLER. F I RHHTCRE, . JO H N T. D A L Y D A LY & B U TLER, A M P R | \ (, BED S, And all kinds of UPHOLSTERED WORK, ALBUM PICTURE FRAMES, WALL BRACKETS. AND WINDOW SHADES. E P A C O M PLETE STOCK IN OUR LUTE ATTORNEYS A T LAW, W E and K E will sell as cheap as the same goods can be go In Portland. Do not take our word or other people* W I L L P R C M IT L Y A T T E N D T u A L L L E I.A L t V I huìu ©*»entrusted to them. OMioe on Mill 8t. opjnmite Court Mouse, Dallas word for it, but coine ami aee our goods and learn our prioes. E. J. D AW N E , A l l k in d « o f W o r k in our lin o dono on S h o rt N o tice. - ATTORNEY AT LAW, We also keep a largo and well selected stock of a n d N o t a r y P u p llo - Caskets a n d Cases on hand, C IP E C IA L A T T E N T IO N G IV E N ITO C O LLECTING O and loaning ' .........I money. Alwayn prepared to loan from $1U0 to #2,500 on personal or real estate security Office in Griswold's building, opposite the bank, Salem, Ore gon . Which we will furnish at Roduoed Prices. Salesroom on M A IN STR E E T, two doora north of Vanduye ft Smith, IX D K P K X lk H X C ’K. O K I J . O Y J. H. TOW NSEND, ATTORNEY AT LAW, Dallas, Oregon. Q fr F IC E _ O N M A IN STREET, O PPO SITE T H E ' Court House. Collections made a specialty. BURNS ft LIVERY AND SALE STABLE. D a lla s , Geo. W. Belt, Independence. & P IP ^ S . ATTORNEYS AT LAW, CHAS. F. SULLIVAN, A t t o r n e y a t L ia w , . OÀ l I a ?. '•If.. • DR. J. B. JOHNSON, i Having returned to Independence to permanently locate, is prepared to do all kinds of.dental work, -falling and treating a specialty. Office in Vandnyn & Smith’s new brick, up stairs. 0.- A. JO H N S . , T R U IT T & JOHNS, • ■. D A L L A S , OREGON. 0 M IL L STREET. N O R TH OF COUR au«lt5 DR. I. T. MASON, R E S IL IE N T D E N T IS T , Dallas, Oregon. ; (U t e of Eugene City and Sheridan.!;. Nitro OsiiU* .on Laughing' 'Gas1 adnilmstered. up >« »lairs ’ . Butler's store. • over H. ................ D a l l a m , N oy . 17, 1882. Office .... A. E«-SCOTT, M. D., P h y s ic ia n 'a n d S u rgeon , ‘ Late o f Oaklantí, ( ’al., has permanently louat&Hn ! ^ D ALLAR , O K E l.O X . W ill Lé fd u n d a t a ll tim b a a t B. M . S m ith ’ s Drug Hfcixr«. »> - * -• • ^ W . H. HOLMES, Attorney' and Counselor - at Jjaw, Salem , O regon . )h .JO H N M cD O W E LL ..*1 Real Estate Agent , D A L L A S . OREGON P A R T IE S D E S IR IN G T 6 B U Y O R SELR s R E A L estate, ,'wtll do well to consult me. Office two floors west of Jap R. Miller's drug store. J. L. CO LLINS, * Attorney and Counselor at Law S0UCIT0R J WILSON & RAY, ^ % \ Dealers in Drugs, Patent Medicines, S T A T IO N E R Y , r \ w IN CHANCERY. T I AH BEEN IN P R A C TIC E OF H IS PROFESSION J 1 in this place for «bout twenty-fiv« yeiun, wii «1 will attend to all bu»ine*s < »fllcftfbppoaite the Dalla» Hotel, corner of Main and Court street, P « llM .Polk County, Oregon. IT r,; «. - ». Perfumery, Fancy and Toilet Articles . CIGARS AND TOBACCOS. ; ; P E R R Y D A L E . OREGON. ROWELL & SON, Blacksmiths, D ALLAS, H E B ELT HOUSE H A S C H A N G E D H A N D S A N D will be nui ss a lirat class house in every respect. ____ J _____________ We have mopes to loan on approved Real Estate Security, in Q.utntf from (Jne to Ten Thousand Dollars. Time : Truitt & Johns. From one to - five years; Terms Easy. »Hjwtt «. ISM. IT REFORMED HIM. A t t o r n o y s - a t - L a '^ r , . F FICE ON House. T MONEY T C LOAN D o iit le t - OREGON, The worst sinners are sometimes startled into reformation by the sud- 'den discovery of themselves, and what they are doing. I f a fallen man has not parted with all his manhood, it must dp him good to be shown how he is enrichiDg his enemies by his vices, and making himself and his family poor. ' A Georgia paper, the Hartwell Sun, relates this gratifying instance of good out of evil: A man in a certain city, who fol lowed thr occupation of a black smith, receiving his usual wages Sat urday night, found himself in pos session of five dollars and twenty-five cents. Ho started down town to buy some food fbr his family, on his Way driftiqg into a bar-room where he was too frequently a visitor. One drink made him generous, aud he was prepared to “set ’em up” to the large crowd of. bar-room dead beats, and an hour passed in the'rough hilarity which.disgraces such places of resort. A t length he. late in the evening, bethought himself that it Was time to go and called for his account. The bar-keeper figured up the amount and it was just five dollars and twenty-five cents. The poor fellow handed out the five dollar bill, saying to the bar keeper, “ You will have to credit me for the quarter,” and started for the beef market. Enter ing the butcher's stall he said, “ What have you got that yon can sell me for twenty-five cents? It is all the money I have, and I must have some thing for my family.” “ There’s a bunch of soup-bones that you can have for twenty five cents,” was the reply. He accordingly purchased them, had them put in a parcel, and was about starting home, not without some reproachful thoughts, when the dram-seller with whom he had spent the evening entered the market, o r dered a quantity of the best beef steak, pulled out a five dollar bill, the identical one which he had paid him, and gave it to the butcher. Our dram-drinking friend had seen enough. He started for home,' and probably did more good, solid think ing than he had done for several years before. Entering bis house, he gave his wife those ugly, almost soup-bones and said, “ There, wife, this is the last time yon will ever have to live on soup-bones that I may furnish money to a bar keeper to buy porter house steak with.” After that his wife and children were trepted to steak instead of bare soup-bones. He had quit the dram drinking business forever. W ILD E AS A SHORT-HAIRED PERSON K RE NOW R E A D Y TO DO A L L K IN D S OF 4-\ Blacksmith work in their line of businees in the best Htyle and on tb© Uva ami let live plan You wül And them at their eta r w ^never work is wanêed. day Sf night Our shop is at th eE lt hcra « P one door south of Burns 4 Morrison • livery stable W© thank you for yodr custom in th© paetandb'-pe you will contimi© the m m * to the lu tti». J J f " * Vouritrnly. R O W E L L ft SON llallas. November 24.1882 I# Oscar Wilde is the most pecnliar looking object since his hair has heen cut on that I have ever seen. I thought the same of him when his hair was long, bnt his appearance now is vastly more outlandish than whhn his curling locks fell over his face, ears, neck and back. W ide has a large and bony face. His forehead and chin are abnormally oversized and his face is red and seems some what swollen. When it was backed DEALER IN by an immense shock of hair, trained artistically down over his forehead and around the wing like ears, a con siderable portion of his face was con cealed from view. The more Mr. Wilde concealed his face the more bemntifnl he became. Now that be has ent his hair and his face stands ont in bold relief, one cannot rid him HEAD-STONES, self of the impression on looking at him that his face is a separate part Executed In Italian and American of his bead and is stuck on to the hair. The (esthetic comes under hie Marble. true colors this time—to make money by the production of his play—end so he deserves the same consideration that any short-haired man on a sim ilar errand should receive. W M. STAIG ER, -ef . My fancy even brings the sly marauder back so plain, I «ee him jump our garden fence and slip off down the lane And I seem to holler at him and g it back ihe old reply-r “ Oh, uo, your peaches is too green ‘ fo r such t i worm a » l f M For he scorned his father’s phrases—every holy one he hud— “ As good a man,” folks put it, “ us that boy o f his was bad!” And again, from their old buggy-shed, I hear “ the rod unspared,” That never “ spoiled the child,” o f course fo r which uo one cared! I f any neighbor ever found his gate without a latch Or hues around the edges o f his watermelon u£ i!l His iiaetur’ bars left open, or his pump- spout choked with clay, He,d swear ’ twas “ that infernal preacher’s boy,” right away. When strings were stretched across the street at night and some one got An everlastin’ tumble, and his nose broke, like as not, And laid it on “ The Preacher’s Boy” —no powers low or high, Cohld ever quite substantiate that boy’s alibi! * OREGON. P r o m p t A t t e n t io n P a id t o ItH alneaa. O f r i d On Main Street, two doora north o f Postofflce 'The PreachtV « Boy” that everyone deepieed find h u t i u l aof ho ! and hated A week-faced little feller, with white eyes and fo xy hair, And a-look like he expected serious trouble everywhere; A sort o ’ fixed expression o f suspicion in his glance; His bare feet always scratched with briars, and green spots on his pants; Molasses marks along hia aleevee, his cap- rim turaeu behind, * / Aud so it is “ The Preacher’ s Boy” is brought again to mind. * And did nobody like the boy? W e ll, all the pets in town Would eat ‘"«it o f his fingers, and canaries A t th e M oat R e a s o n a b le R a t e « ! would come down And leave their swingin’ perches and their fishbone just to pick Conveyance of commercial men a epeciolty. The little warty knucklCB that the flo g would, leap to lick— BURNS. & MORRISON, Prop’ra. No little snarlin’ , snappin’ fistd but what would leave his bone T o id l e r i f whistled in that ta n ta fe in ’ tone- ' . T H E B E L T HOUSE ! That made the goods-box w hittler blasphe mously protest PETER C O O K , ............................ P r o p r i e t o r . H e couldn’ t tell, ’twixt dog and boy, which one was ernriest! In d e p e n d e n c e , O re g o n . HORSES, CARRIAGES AND LIVERY I-W " W ill practice in all.the OourtH of the State. Office up stairs in Court House. ; ; . ’ O regon . M. L. Pipes llallas BELT '■* M O R R IS O N , THK PR EA C H ER * SOT. recollect the little lad, baok years and monuments, Tablets ‘ Tw fii kuch a little cur as this, once when tb‘e crowd was thick Along the streets, a drunken corner-loftier tried to. kick, When a sudden fo ot behind him tripped him irp, and, fallin g so, He “ marked his man,” and jerked his gun— drawed up and let her go! A u d ’ the crowd sw.armed round the victim , holding close against his breast- J The little dog, unharmed, that still as they caressed Grew rigid in their last embraoe, as with a smile o f joy H e recognized the dog was spved. So died “ i ’ho Preacher’s B oy!” When it appeared before the ’squire, that fatal pistol-ball Was fired at a “ dangerous beast,” and not the boy at all, And the facts set forth established, it was like befitten’ then • T o order out a possy o f the “ city council- men” ' T o kill the dog! But, strange to tell, they searched the country round And nev6r hair nor hide o f that “ said” dog was ever found! And, somehow, then, I sort o ’ thougtrt—and halt-wayJthiqk to-day— • The spirit o f “ The Preacher B oy” had wnistledhhn away!” -[James W hitcom b Riley. HOW FREDERICK THE GRÇAD STOPPED A MUTINY. lie order (hem oil to be bunged, or pack (hem off to prison, or send his soldiers among them and cut them down like grass * For- a moment you might h»ve heard a pin drop; and then Freder ick turned to his servant aud said, quietly: “ That picture’s too high up for them. Ta\e it off and put it lower- down, where they can see it' without straining their necks.” But the servant had no time to obey, for when the people beard what the king said, and saw how well be bore this bitter jest against bimself, they burst into a tremendous “ Hurrah for Father Fritz!” aud tore the pictqre to pieoea, while the king rode away with a queer little smile twink ling around the corners of his mouth After this all went smoothly for good while; but presently it camel the turn of the soldiers to be discon tented, for Frederick had made va riouB changes in the organization of the army which were not at all to their taste; so, at last one of the regi ments quartered near the palace of Potsdam, a little way from Berlin, choBe out fifty men, Rnd sent them up to the palace' to 'make their com plaint to the king, and demand that ptai things should be set right again at once. Apparently‘ the message did not take much time to deliver, for loDg before ar.y one expected them, the fifty soldiers were seen coming back again, locking very much ashamed of themselves. * “ Well, what did old Fritz say to it?” asked their comrades, eagerly. “ Ho said nothing at all.” “ Ndthipg at all? Why, you gave him our message, didn't you?” 5 “ N ot we; we never got tho-chance! Father Fritz must have guessed what we were at when he saw us come tramping up the avenue; for as we tiled ont in front of the palace, there he -was- waiting for us on the steps in full uniform^ with his old cocked hat on, and his big staff in liis hand. Befqre ^fi conld say a word, he reared out, ‘Right-about lace—march!* And w b e »w e saw his grim , old face, and heard his grim old voice giving the word of coinmand, it was too much for us; we.faced about at once, and away we marched back -again, with out ever looking behipd us!” Then all the soldiers who were listening burst into such a tremen dous roar of laughter that even the shamefaced fifty could not help join ing in; and nothing more was ever heard of the mutiny. W H IM SIC AL NOTICES. A thread-spinner, having received a scratch upon his nose, made use of ono of the spool-labels in lieu of sticking-plaster, which made the startling announcement, “ Warranted three hundred yards.” Even this whimsical notice was • exceeded in singularity by one over the door of a Swedish inn, which thus tantalized thejtraveler: “ You will find excellent bread, meat and wine within, provided you bring them yourself.” Those who write public notices should be careful lest they perpetrate such “ bulls” as the following, mentioned in Shambera Journal: The following perspicuous notice to engine-drivers was exhibited at a railway station: “ Hereafter, when trains moving in an opposite direction are approach ing each other on separate lines, conductors and engineers will be re quired to bring their respective trains to a dead halt before the point of meeting, and be very careful not to. proceed till each train has passed the other.” Equally lucid was the placard an nouncing a pleasure-trip to Wark Worth one day during the summer of 1881, in which was the following pas sage, which implies that the crew adopted the light and airy costume of cur primitive ancestors: “ The Gleaner is one of the finest and fastest boats on the Tyne; her accommodation is "in every respect good and Comfortable, her crew skil ful, steady amUjbliging. being newly- paiiited and oecorated for pleasure- trips.” We are assured of the genuineness of the following curious notice, ad dressed, quite recently, to the mem bers of a Friendly Society, which need not fear a “ run” upon it, if the procedure therein described bo rigidly adhered to: “ In the event of your death, you are requested to bring your book policy and certificate at once to the agent, Mr. ----- , when ydur claims will have immediate attention.” A few days previous to the begin ning of a Pession, this brief notice was aflixed to the notice-board at the entrance of one of the ciass rooms of Edinburgh University: will meet his classés Professor on the 4th«nst.” Oh the opening day, a student erased the letter c of the word “ classes.” ’ _« A group of youths remained in the vicinity of the entrance to observe how the Professor would receive the intimation, which now set forth that he would “ meet his lasses on the 4th inet.” H I M As the Professor approached, bo observed the change that had been made, and qnietly taking ont his pencil, made some further mollifica tion and passed on, a quiet smile overspreading his features The notice now finally stood: “ Professor-----will meet his asses on the 4 th inst. 1883 . RARE GENIUS. A H o y ’ . W il l « V i i . E l . v u Y . « r . O ld — M a .le r o f S even L n n g u a x e « a n d T h r e e T im o . A e ro s e th e O ceau . A youth who rejoiced iu having at tlined his 11th birthday was a pas senger from Poland to New York about eighteen months ago, and ou the steamer he attracted the atten tion of the other passengers by his precocity. He conversed with the fluency of a man twice his age, and already had mastered four languages. The fact that he was coming to New York entirely alone, had no friends here, and had given up a comfortable home in .Poland because his father required him to work and would not permit him to stndy, added to the in terest with which he was regarded. The boy was «Iso a good singer, and gave his fellow-passengers much pleasure by singing melodies he had learned in Poland. When the ship reached New York some gentlemen who had become interested in him placed him under the care of Mrs. Alexander, the President of the Deborah Nursery, in New York. The little fellow, whose name is David Salzman, remained there for about six months, during which time he had made himself a general favorite and ingratiated himself so much in Mrs. Alexader’s favor that she came to regard him as she would her own son. .The boy frequently spoke about his parents, in Poland, and from what he said it was inferred that his life there had not been a very pleas ant one. He bad a little sister, how ever, about his own age, and he ap pearjM to be absolutely devoted to her. T i e frequently spoke of re- turning to see his sister, but the fear of his father always acted as a check to this project. Oue morning, about six mouths after he had entered the institution, he did not appear as usual, and could nowhere be found. About two months ago he walked into Mrs. Alexander’s room as un concernedly as if he had just left it. He Baid that on the evening he dis appeared he had b«6u thinking so much about his little sister that he could no longer control his desire to see her. He knew the steward ou boara the ship on which he came over and who nad assured him that any time he wanted to return to his home he (the steward) would furnish the passage money, and he went aboard the ship, which sailed the fol lowing day. He reached his home and found that during his absence his little sister had been killed by being thrown out of a wagon. His mother had also died, but his father still lived at the old home. David was treated well by his father for a short time, but the latter soon re lapsed into his old cruelty, and David returned to America, his friend, the stdtvarcl, again furnishing the money. He remained with Mrs. Alexander, only about a month, when he apparently grew tired of the monotonous life he was leading at the Nursery, and again disappeared. He turned up in the Essex Market Al Police Court on Thursday, and asked to be taken care of, as he was destitute.—| New York Times. Not much good, and a great deal of harm, has been said of Frederick the Great of Prussia; but, although he was certainly not “h pleasant man to deal with, it is probable enough that he was far better suited to the troublous times in which he lived and the rough people with whom he had ----M W *------ td'do than many a better man could have been. I f he did many cruel T0PN8ODY. things, he did several very kind ones Mr. Topnoody was telling liis wife, as. well; aud, however his people the other morning, about the troubles might grumblo at him now and then, of a friend of his, and she, knowing they were always ready to help him something of his habits, said when ho got into any difficulty. Well, Topnoody, I don’t care how And, indeed, it was just in the much you pity that man, if he had midst of difficulties and daggers that tried, he could have avoided a great he always appeared at his best. So deal of his present embarrassment.” long as things went well with, him, he “ But, my dear, the poor fellow did was as hard and disagreeable as any try.” one could be, bullying one man, im “ Oh, yes, I know he died. He has prisoning another, sneering at a third, kept you out till two 'or three o’olock playing some cruel trick upon a in.the morning, as much as four fourth and seeming quite to enjoy nights in the week, trying.” the pain he inflicted; but when every “ My dear, you know—” thing was going wrong, and perils “ I know what I know, Topnoody, hemmed him in on every side, and and you needn’t interrupt me. I think there seemed to be no hope left, then the man. has got quite what he de this wizened little man, with his lean, served, and if you could get a rub sallow face, stood out*like a hero, and tho same way it would do you good.” held his ground against all troubles ‘My dear, you are enough to pro and all disasters, never wearied, voke a saint.’' never discouraged, until his work was “ I ’d like to know when I ever bad done. an opportunity to tackle that sort of Now, it happened, toward the end an individual?” of his reign, that he found himself “ It is hardly necessary for me to very much in want of money; so ho offer any explanations. You are set laid a tax upon all his people, and in yonr way that you wont learn any sent men round to collect the money thing anyhow.” for i t “ I ’m a good deal like your friend, Naturally enough, the people were ain't I?” not particularly pleased at this, foy “ No, you ain't. The poor man is most of them were quite poor enough suffering everything, and yet you already; so they began to grumble a don’t seem to understand the dif good deal at “ Father Fritz,” as they ference between misfortune and used to call him, an 1 to say that he fault.” was a skinflint and a miser and what “ Pshaw. Topnoody, yon make me not; but they took good care to doit tired. I f there is anything I do un when there was no chance of his derstand. it is that one difference.” hearing them, for they knew that he “I don’ t believe you.” was not a man to be joked with. “ Don’t you? Well, I ’ll convince Now in those cays, when there were yon. I accepted you aa a husband, fewer books and newspapers than didn’t I? ” there are now, and a great many “ Yes.” people could not read at all, it w bb a “That was my miBfortnne. 1 could common thing for a man to draw a have refused you, but didn't.” caricature of any one whom he dis “ I —I —suppose so.” liked, and paste it up in some public “ W ell, that was my fault. Now, place where everybody Conhksee it. Topnoody, do you mean to tell ms I So, jnst when the discontent over that I don't know the difference this tax was at its height, some one between - ” made a picture of King Frederick But Mr Topnoody had to go to sJe sitting on a stool, with an old coffee his friend. mill on his knee, grinding out money instead of coffee with one hand, and Next month, on the twenty fifth bolding out the other to catch the We anniversary of his assumption of the Ancient history of base ball coins as they fell; and under it he read a great deal at present upon the regency, Kaiser Wilhelm will be pre wrote: first base man, second base man and R e n t e d by the members of his military “Old Fritz, the Grinder.” Such a picture, appearing early one thiril base man. and also the short court with a magnificent bronze morning upon a wall in the most stop man, and it occurs to us that shield, ornamented w*th relief Por- ‘ i . . - -' 1 a_* public part of the city, sood attracted Cain was probably the original first traite of all the Princes and Generals a great crowd; and they were all bass man. Judas Isscariot second and who took part in tho Frauoo-Oerman laughing loudly over it, and making | Nero third, while the Wandering Jew war. a good many Dot vefy polite jokes may be regarded as the original short upon the king and his tax, when all stop, for be never made anything bnt Almost any man will forget bis f 10 p wherever he went. N at once the crowd parted to right nmbrells when he leaves a restan and left, and there was a dead silence wae probably the first pitcher, for rant; bnt g*ve a woman a parasol and everybody looked very much he pitched the ark within and with ^rorth I I and take her into "fifty res taurants and she will not forget it out. frightens* once. And no wonder; for there, right The Egyptian and Irish questions in the middle of them, was “Old •• ~ England g í T ^ one- No overestimated actor, preacher, Fritz” himself, looking straight at do not seem to trouble bis own picture, and hearing every half so much jnst now, as the ini literary man or woman, linger or thing that they were saying abont portant national duty of ÜDdÎDg politician or official ever libeled a some man to knock out Boston’s fa newspaper for coupling hi* or her him. name with “ taffy” adjectives. What would the king do? Would vorita son. BORROWED WIT. A Nihilist—A free lunch fiend. The rock of Ages—The cradle. A safe blower—A pair of bellows. The light guard — A glass chimney. “ There’s millions in it”—An ant hill The upright tack is the cause of many a fal Sarah Bernhardt no longer sleeps in a coffin. A man of push—The wheelbarrow manipulator. The wheel of a mowing machine travels in cog. Custom is the tyrant to whom all freemen bow. The deck of the ocean steamer The poker deck. Prize fighters shouid always wear claw-hammer coats. There’s always room for one mower —in the hayfiold. Children are comfortable troubles, and troublesome comforts. Don’t do anything to-day that you can put oft' until some other day The smallest thing in the world is immense, compared to a dude’s brain. Wong Chin Foo and Chin Chin Denis Kearney have not yet fought that awful duel. The man who drinks nothing but cistern water, is the one who leaves well enough alone. People who are talking of dam ming Niagara should try its effect on the Hackman first. “Aid your sea cow,” is the way a stenographer wrote out the words, “A Jersey cow.” Dr. Mary Walker doesn’t need a vacation, yet she may be compelled to take a permanent one. A Cincinnati man was recently tarred and feathered for marrying a negress. He was probably color blind. “ My son, hear the instruction of thy father,” if thou dose not want to j« t wolloped within an inch of your life. John L. Sullivan is booked to pitch iu a game of baseball at St. Louis. This will have no effect on the politi cal situation. The country editor had evidently been putting on a clean pair of stock ings when he wrote: “ We have just seen a new thing in shoes.” “ What is the national fishery ques tion?” pompously exclaimed an or- ator; and a squeaking voice in the audience said aid: “ It is, have you got a bite’ Wanted by a bachelor jeweler: A wife with a neck of pearl, ruby lips, “ brilliant” eyes, golden hair, a silvery tongue and a perfect jewel of a tern per. Of course it’s a natural conse quence of the scarcity of water in New Jfork that they should now have a milK famine. The chalk supply is not as yet threatened. Edith Twentyman, a barmaid at the Nelson’s wine vaults, Kiftwick, is claimed to be the handsomest woman in England. Her name doesn’t refer to tlie number of her admirers. Country maidens are now holding guessing matches. They sit out in the garden and guess whether it’s a potato bug or an army worm that’s crawling dc down their backs. A Salt Laker has invented a com bined knife, fork and toothpick. I f a Western man cannot ma! iko a circus of himself at table with that instru ment, wo don’t know what can be done for him further. “How to Spend S u n d a y Afternoon” is the title of an article in a New York paper. Lots of men believe that the way to spend it is to walk around the back way if the saloon front door isn't open. “ Hey, Johnny! is your daddy home?” "You’re tight he is.” “ Well, will you tell him I want to see him?” “ Oh, he knows that good enough, an’ that's why lie’s run out an’ hid in the woodshed.” A young politician explained the naif tattered condition of his trousers, to his father, by stating that ho was g under an apple tree enjoying himself, when the farmer’s dog came along and contested his seat. A dude passed down Merrimack Btreet the other afternoon, and a small boy who saw him at once called out to a friend on the other aide: “ Hi, Jimmie; d'yer see that? Where’s the hand organ he belongs to?” A Newton man was recently re lieved of a bullet be bad carried ever since the first battle of Bull ltun. The bullet was as fiat as a nickel. A thief stole his pocketbook, in which he carried the memento “ Henry” writes us, asking how ho can break his mother from calling him "You Hen nor y!” He says that he has noticed that whenever she calls him that way she always gives him a licking and sends him to bed without his supper. There is one good thing about this two-cent postage. The swarm of spring poets won't be compelled to face the dreadful fact, that the stamp on the envelope is worth three limes ns much os the poem inside. It will only be worth twice as much. A Chic; go liquor dealer says he doesn’t care how voting bis custom ers are. “ I will sell liquor to a baby,” ho says, “ if it has tho money to buy.” This is the first intimation we have had that Herod is running a whisky shop in Chicago. Wo thought the lghti old infant slaughterer was dead. A New Yorker, while in a aomnam l/ulistic condition, plays the accorde on. As be is not responsible fer his acts while in this state, ho has only been shot at seventeen times, and bis next door neighbors, believing that it would lie wrong to kill a man while he is asleep, are living in hopes that he will soon somnambnlate out of a third-story window. A New York physician claims to bavfe discovered an infallible care for sunstroke. As an onnee of proven Mon is worth a pound of rare, we have a better remedy for ths poor man. It is to go to work in a coal mine during bot weather. Tbe heat may make him peg ont, bnt the ann will never strike him. * Ls * h J % Some time ago the wife of a mer chant was suddenly awakened in the night by the sound of footsteps her bedroom, and the next moment the light of a dark lantern flooded her faco so near that she could al most feel tlie heat and hear the sup pressed breathing of the intruder. Her husband was from home and the only person in the house, except herself, was a servant girl, who slept in the story beneath. H ef presence of mind did not, however, forsake her. I t doubtless requires a great amount of resignation and fortitude in a woman to listen to, without screaming, the ransacking of her store of valuable laces and the ap propriation of her jewelry; but the lady, very rationally deeming her life worth all the lace and diamonds in the world, quietly closed her eyes and awaited the result The light was withdrawn from her face and she heard the rustling of silks, the picking of locks and occa sionally a low whisper of surprise na - or disappointment Then there' was silence for a minute—it seemed an hour to her—and a soft footstep ap proached the bed and the glare of the lantern again fell upon her face. Through the closed lids of her eyes she saw the light, but remained calm and motionless in its scrutin izing rays, fearful that the least movement might imperil her life. What a moment of suspense! The light was removed from her faco and she felt that some one was lean ing against the bed. Still she re mained motionless, nor did she stir when the warm breath of the bur glar fanned her cheek. Not until his lids pressed her forehead did she spring up and half shriek, “ Who is in this room?” “ Hush!” responded a voice in a strong whisper, while a rough hand was laid on her shoulder. “ Speak nothing and fear nothing.” The next moment she heard the sound of retreating footsteps and the creak ing of a shuttjr; then all was still again. Satisfied that she was alone, she sprang from the bed and touched a lighted match to the burner, then sank into a chair, completely pros trated with the danger through which Bhe had passed. Recovering, she looked around to ascertain of what she had been plundered. The drawers were all in the ut most confusion, but, strange to say, little or nothing wns missing. A casket of jewelry was open on the bureau, but the diamonds and gold were all there. Beside the casket she discovered a little roll of paper con taining a ring which had been given to her many years beforo and which had been in her possession ever since. H alf bewildered at the sin gular proceeding she was about to cast the puper from her, when her eye caugnt the marks of a pencil upon it. She carefully opened it and read This ring, which once was mine, tells me in whose house I am. You know I am an outlaw—the world and I do not care to deny it; bnt, fallen as I am. I cannot rob y ou , Maria. Forgive me, and God ileea you. " H e n r y .” This explained all. Falling on her knees she prayed for him who had written the scroll. And who was ‘Henry?” Ten years ago he loved that same Alaria and he would have made her his wife— for she had prom ised to be his—had he not taken to drink and gambling and finally forged the name of his employer, for which he was given a home in a eon vict prison. When he was worthy of her love he gave her that ring, and she h_d kept it in remembrance of what he had been. This is the story of the ring. On the return of the husband the wife related to him the adventure and showed him the note, but he has never attempted to arrest* the bur glar.— [Uhicago Tribune. known nali8t} paperi away in wh politician f “ What'e reporter, on I ble item. "Why, this ru have jnst pnblia ther is a sn of the sharpest, played since I knew elopement was all a simple as can he. The l one of 'the beet known ««c*ion of the town and is a ] besides. He ha^ acquaintance with the element are always expecting him to treat upon the slightest pretext, and, what with this and the wedding fes tivities, supper and other etceteras, his daughter’s marriage, if solemn ized in the ordinary manner, would have cost him a great deal of money. An elopement saved all this, so he just opposed his daughter’s wishes strongly enough to give a pretext for the two to run over to Jefferson, where the expenses of the wedding, all told, didn't amount to more than $o or.f 10. There were no tine dressee, flowers, gifts or anything of that sort, and when they returned home they had a chance to go to housekeeping quietly and unostentatiously. I t was a shrewd plan and a sensible one for ail parties concerned. “I have known a number of run away matches which had no other reason than economy. Parent«, rela tives and all are willing for the young people to commit matrimony, but the expense was a serious consideration, and a little timely opposition which caused au elopement smoothed out the crooked channel in which the course of true love was running. The cost of the wedding was saved for isekeeping, the young couple were forgiven, and all went on as merrily as if there had been any amount of marriage bells ringing.” “ In what classes of society do such marriages oftenestoccur?” “ Generally in tho middle classes— those who are moderately well-to-do, and who yet want to keep up appear ances. The very poor and the ex tremely rich are never troubled by such considerations, but the poor and proud-often make use of this strata gem I ’ve known of some very aris tocratic couples starting out on their matrimonial journey with ah elope ment, which wns caused by nothing on earth save a want of matrimonial funds. These fashionable weddings cost large sums.” ‘Are the young people ever into this secret?” ‘Sometimes, but not often. Gen eraliv they are innocent parties to the deception. This is a new way to look at an elopement, and it knowa but all the romance; but it's the real explanation of a good many, as I know from personal observation.” — [Louisville Courier-Journal. ■ The community think that Ihe post office clerk is always to blame for their blunders. In an interview the post master of Indianapolis threw light upon the fact that letters oc casionally fail to reach their destina tions. He said: “ A day or two ago Major Dash, a lawyer, came into the office considerably out Of humor, and said, ‘ Well, there is something the matter with the mails either at this office or at Dash, 111. Two weeks ago I sent a letter containing twenty dol lars to my daughter, at Dash, 111., and she has never received it; some body has got it and spent it, I sup pose. There is certainly something wrong.’ “ Well, I knew just what was wrong,” said the post-master, “ for I had on the day before received that very letter from the dead-letter of fice. “ Ho had directed it to Dash, In diana, instead of Illinois, and it had there been ndveitised, tnen sent to the dead-letter office, opened and sent back here before that major found out that there was ‘something wrong.’ “ We bad another case just like ---- ----------- that a few weeks ago. A man here SPARKS- wanted to send a draft for two hun “ Sober second thoughts” come With dred dollars to a creditor in Johns the morning headache. town, N. Y. Instead of that he Though Insolence seldom winks, directed it to JohnstoD, Ind. “ There used to be a poet-office by it often gets its eye shut up. Humility is the rarest and most that name in Indiana, but a few weeks before that letter was sent it delicately-flavored of all virtues. was abandoned, and He mail ordered W ily lawyers are constantly put to go to Hubbell, Ind. ting on heirs, and putting off estate “ That office a few days later was settlements. also abandoned, anil its mail ordered A man wastes time in trying to ex to Worthington, Ind. This letter plain the phenomena of death. In followed both those change«, and then, after laying there three months, good time it will all come to him. There is no salvation for that finally, through the duad letter office, party which ignores the just claims got back here to the sender. The post-master neglected his duty by not of the American laborer. “ Procrastination is the thief of sending it sooner. “ In the mesnwhile tbe man to time,” but our uncle, the pawnbroker, whom it ought to have gone in New scoops in tbe most watches. York wrote here to know why he did “ The coming American humorist” not receive his two hundred dollars. will probably get here in a loosely He was told it had been sent, and a para phrased condition. pretty sharp correspondence ensued, I ’ve faithfully searched the French which was all caused by thd sender’s chronicles bnt cannot find that carelessness in writing ‘Ind.’ instead Talleyrand ever traveled in a Tally of ‘N. “ Thero used to be a post master Ho. who said that D. C. stood for the No true philosopher goes gadding Dominion of Canada, aud he always after frien ndsbiD. It comes to him sent all letters directed to Washing more rapidly than he can enjoy or ton, D. C., over into Cauada. utilize it. “ We delivered a hat here last winter Adam was the first man who knew that had no name on it at all. It a good thing when he saw it. Mas came wrapped in a piece of brown culine posterity can afford to forgive paper, directed i him. olis. Fools are long lived. There's a “ Inside that papei• was anoth «f man in Washington who has refuse*! wrapper—a newspap« it which had li IB a house and lot for one of Lincoln's the name of a man autographs. Kansas. “ I wrote then to tbe One of the saddest sights in these that place and asked hiW S m h#»0»imes is to see a woman with a such a 1 tire foot husband trying to alter his that •He pants to fit her six-foot son. theD I wrote 1 him if he had Dried apricots are likely to body in t prominent article of export California. They are not so a* as the dried apple, bnt they will edme fashionable. A plain marble slab will adorn tho %rave of Wm. Writ Sykes. On it will be ent a hand, and the the husband of Olive * é A' 0 . „ V V v » ,. V- h ~ .1 i POST-OFFICE BLUNDER*. - ' t * JET * mm mir ■ÄXä ’s W- a It** « N tl V J lV j] * Jfc Ml