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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 30, 1890)
The Oregon Scou
mJONES & CHANCEY.
Not All Happy,
otmn with Joy tha pentle spring,
Tlio tlmo when dlsapixvus the snow.
And formers hear the robins sing,
And Sol with warmth begins to glow.
The poet then In oxtnele
Of buds nnd eni y blossoms rIhrs,
Of babbling brooks and Krecnlng leas,
Of trailing arbutus and things.
Jliit whllo wo hall tlio gcntlo spring,
Tho budding tree, tho grt-cnlug plain,
We must coufess that It doth bring
Somo little drawluicks in Its train.
Our overcoats are thrown axiile,
When come bright moms and sunny noons.
And then 'tis mighty hard to hldo
Tho patches on our pantaloons!
Will Watch No Moro.
8woot Girl And do you really stand and
watch my window every night before you
no home, Goorgo, dear?
Georgo I have been doing so, my iovo, but
J shan't nny moro.
Hwoet Girl (anxiously) Don't you lovo mo
m much as over?
George Oh, yes; but last night a police
man thought I was a burglar, and took me to
tlio station house. Tho Epoch.
An Antonltlirri Kngllslimnn.
A nowly arrived Englishman was told that
tho editor of Tho North American Hoviuw
would, that night, deliver a lcaruod lecture,
nnd that if ho desired to become informed
upon llvo issues In America ho should attend.
He did so, and tlio next day ho wroto as fol
lows to a London nowspaper:
"Tho Americans nro surely a very peculiar
peoplo. Lost night I wont to hear a well
known gentleman lecturo on what theso
jooplo term llvo issues, and I must sny that I
never heard a moro ridiculous discourse. Tho
jKxiplo laughed In his very face, but ho did
not nppear to mind it IIo talked nbout nb
Mird things, and spoko of shoving his list into
the bosom of the night, and went on at somo
length to tell of a dog that hud .fleas. I did
not want to bo rude, but I really laughed. I
actually expected to see the people mob tho
fellow, ho was so very, very queer."
Ho had boon "steered" against Dill Nyo.
Drlliilng The Umo.
At tho entrauco to tho Nntional museum is
largo stone sarcophagus, which was
brought to this country somo years ago from
Efiypti and presented to tho Smithsonian
Institution. Tlio other dayno of tho excur
sionists from northern New York, entering
tho building, stopped to look at It. Turning
to tho limn who checks umbrollas nnd cuues,
"What is that great tono alTnlrl"
"That's a sarcophagus, ma'am," ho an
swered. "Where did It come froraf
"From Egypt, ma'am."
"What do they uso it for?"
"To spit in, mostly, ma'am," repllod tlio
faithful publio servant. Washington Cor.
New York Tribune.
A AVomiui i f Tulnt.
"So your sister Is making $200 a week with
an ojiora company, and your ibrother $100 a
J' Well, there must bo gcninstln tho family.
There isn't much in ours, to bo sure. But I'm
glad to say that I have n sister so talented
that sho make 100 a week by.apiieuring in
"What Is lier speelnltyr
"Sho is tho lieordcd woman In a musoum."
HlCMlng of T.tburty.
Bill Why don't yer git intor public lifo
an' Ih) somebody, Jim
Jim I did trytcr git. office, but theso
durned civil m-rvictj rule kep' mo out.
"What ofllco did yrr try fori"
"Janitor of a publio bulldiu'. Thoy asked
mo how much two anil two made, an' 'cause
J fulled on tho first answer they .would u't
"Never mind, Jim, I'll help yer git Intor
public lifo. I'll get yer elected school director;
that dou't require no 'xamluoUon. "Omaha
A tiniiiiultn ItrllriL.
rnpn," said a beautiful girl, brightly, Mdo
yon Know umi mis is my lata tiirthduyr
"Why, blnssiuo, so It isl" n-Jtpdud.xl tho oil
man "It doesn't seem possible that my little
girl has grown to lxi a young lady."
"Well, sho has, jwp.i, and I want you to do
inoiivery great favor," nnd tho beautiful
girl hldhor blushing face upon tho old inuu's
"What is It, doarf" ho naked fontlly.
"l'lease sell Nero." Now York Sum
Hunt on Chicago.
Mr. Walwuli (on urgent business from lb
west, to servant) Wilt you say to Mr.
Gotham, that Mr, Wabash, of Chicago, would
liko to sco bliu a boon as jiosslblol
Borvant Yen, sir. (Koturnod.) Ho in
Just changing his lluon, sir, uud will bo down
Mr, Wnlwsh Very well (Sotto vocal
Changing his linen, and this only Wednesday)
"Woll-woll" The Epoch.
Truth la Mlclity.
Grocer (to boy) What nro you. dolut:.
JaniM Pnttin' sand lu tha sugar.
Oroecr Well, that won't do. You must
put tlm sugar in tho sand, nnd then if a cus
tomcr nskii if wo put sand In our sugnr you
can truthfully say no. You will Had, Jamei,
M you aoqulrumorti busltuw! experience, that,
In tho Ions run, truth nhuys pays. Now
A IsHrgo Hum,
It U Mid that tho French cook whom Mr.
Vwidwbllt has engaged at a salary of tl0,
V0O h Year, dot not know how to uiako a
nilnco !, l'tsrhnp this explains why ho i
imldsuchu big salary; but $10,000 a year
mmmm liko a large sum for uvea a tnllllonalru
to iy to prolong hU Ufa. NorrMowu
IN A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD
Buying a fxit In tho City of tlio Dead.
Casto in a Oinetcry.
"Your first real estate? Sad, sad! But
wo'vo nil got to conio to it. But isn't it
n satisfaction to have n few feet in a well
kept jilaco liku this? Why, I grow fonder
and fonder of it every day. Surveyed
and built up most of it myself, you sec.
There's n monument for youl How is it
to your liking? Pretty heavy. Ah, but
it's lasting no stained surfaces, no ginger
bread work to crumble off. Take my ad
vice, young man, and when you buy
your monument don't invest in marble.
'Taint worth twopence a ton. except to
tlm dealers. Nothing like granite."
The sujierintendont led tho way nlong
tho eastern limits of tho cemetery and
then paused ns if to get his tarings. His
strange combination of business tact nnd
harmless gossip nndo the reporter feel
little like n grief btricken purchaser" of a
"Now, let tno see nbout what j-ou'd
naturally want," said he, eyeing his com
panion critically, as if sizing him up sons
to savo himself needless trouble. "You
6eo everybody has his special likings, nnd
wo havo to sort of estimate a customer's
tastes before showing him a lot. All
sorts of iwoplo apply to us, nnd wo havo
to uso a good deal of tact nnd judgment
so as not to offend present lot owners or
now customers. Wo have to discrimin
ate even in tho gravel If a negro comes
to mo I've got to sell him a lot, but I've
also got to put him in his natural ele
ment. If I didn't there would bo Ned to
"But that, I should think, is a difficult
task. Suppose such a person us you refer
to wnnted a fine lot in what you call an
aristocratic neighborhood, how would
you get around tho matter?"
"Oh, bless you, ithat's easy enough.
Nobody knows what lots aro for sale but
myself; nnd if a man selects a lot whero
I don't think ho belongs, why, tho lot's
nlready sold. See? Itdocsn't look just
right, but it's got to be done. What
would ono of your wealthy aristocrats
think if I should sell a little lot .next to
his big ono, and tho owner of tho little
lot should erect a $2."i white bronze tomb-
stono right under the noso of Ins 5.000
granito monument? War in tho camp
right oil! I tell you thero isn t a popu
lar cemetery in Chicago that hasn't its
South Sido and its West Side, its Michi
gan nvenuo and its South Clark street.
You notice in laying out the cemetery
wo group a number of big lots in tho
most conspicuous places. Caste lines aro
inevitable oven in a gravoyard."
"Well, show me a lot whero a poor
dovil of a scriho would naturally belong,"
6aid the reporter.
leu, in just a minute. Going to
bury wife- or child? Oh, not married!
But 1 biipiKise you're going to bo. Now,
here's some nico sightly lots at 800.
But thou thero'H no provision for growth
of family or extensivo local im
provements. Being buried hero is
good deal like having standing
room in a theatre; you kind of feel
ns though somebody wero going to tramp
on your toes all tlio wlnlo. And if you
should becomo as rich as Jay Gould you
couldn't put up a monument. Tho lot's
too Hiiinll; you'd havo to bo content with
headstone. I want to sell you a lot
that you'll lie satisfied with hereafter and
your children bo proud of."
'Let ino see something a httlo lictter,
then," interM)sed tho apparent purchaser.
"I'd aiiviso you to go into a new sub
division, where tho improvements that
uivo been made are good, and bide fu
ture developments. It is hero just ns it
is down town. New streets and buMi
visions outshino tho old ones. Now,
hero's a mound" by this time thoy had
arrived pretty nearly at tho west sido of
tho cemetery "where tho lots aro largo
and oixjii. Thero'H plenty of room here;
tho grade is high and the drainage good.
But I seldom bring the likes of you here.
because it'a a hort of foreign settlement.
You notico how the 'sens' nnd 'o?kis,'
and 'dts' predominate. You'd scarcely
feel at homo hero if I'd sell you a lot. Be
sides, the locality has ono great and per
manent (irawDaclc. louder are tho
Binglo graves in plain sight. You
wouldn't iiko to live always in sigh of
tho jKMirhoitse, uud you'd scatcely want
to bo buried in view of potter s Held. No,
know you wouldn't bo satisfied here.
You'd better put a little more money in
your ground nnd get something that will
iso in value rather than deteriorate. AIl,
have it. Just como over here."
Tho superintendent led tho way to tho
southeast, near a pretty expanse of wa
ter. Consulting his book, ho picked out
n particular lot and pointed it out with
"Now, hero you are," said he. "1
commit snow yon anything better m
tho whole cemetery. Price moderate
neighbors of a high class, near public
drive, whero you know things will
nlways lo kept in order. This lot will
bo worth twieo its present value a year
from now. One hundred nnd twenty
.live dollars and room enough for a dozen
.interments besides a monument. You
can't do any bolter. Just lot ino put
your name down for it now and you can
arrange tho details ut tho down town
olllco. Look at tho monuments going
up till nroiuid you heiv. Can't havo Ihu
tcr tUita by which to judge of tho local
ity. Jtight across tho driveway yonder
is ouo.of the largest lots in tho cemetery.
We've jmt a fanccy price on it just so ns
to induce some capitalist to buy jt ami
put up nu exK'nsivo monument. That'll
lend additional tone to tho neighborhood
and nil th Jots around will feel the in
fluence. It would pay to buv this Jot
purely nsn business investment.' Chi
A Ti lrli uf I ho UuUcrv.
4,Do you see that cake?" and tho lady
brought out a Jargo cake, temptingly
iced. "What do you think that idug is
"Usually it is mado of eugar and eggs,
but this is.i't. I took tcasoo!iful of
gelatine the stuff thoy make tho coating
for quinine pills out of dissolved it in a
half cup of warm water nud stirred It
hard in a cup and a half of sugar, then I
added a littlo vinegar to whiten it.
"Tho gelatine doe just uu well as tlio
whito of eggs and is much cheniwr and
moro convenient. It's n chance if half
tho cukes in tho bukcriea uren't iced that
way. Wo boarding houso keepers lmvo
to keep up with tho time, don't you
kBowf"--Nov York Telegram.
SYSTEMS OF "CHECKAGE."
Joe Howard Thinks Tlirr Aro a
I'ollcj- of Honesty.
Aro wo a nation of liars, thieves,
cheats? If not, what is the meaning of
tho universal suspicion which jwisons
every brother's cup? Why theso checks
in street cars, theso mechanical contriv
ances in barrooms, these privato detect
ive agencies? You remember what a
hubbub was created years ngo when con
ductors wero compiled to wear massivo
mednllions, with intricate mechanism,
supiosed to show correctly tho number of
fares taken. They looked liko 60 many
Japanese gods with bungling, onerous,
burdensome ornaments about them. Tho
directors suspected that tho conductors
wero stealing, nnd every titno tho con
ductor pulled tho spring that rang tho
bell ho challenged public scrutiny, and
tho suggestion came to every mind, "tho
company suspects this man to be a thief,"
and so they did 6iisiect every man to bo
a thief, and they doubted tho accuracy
of their mechanism as well, because co
vertly and secretly they sent spotters,
old men, young ladies, tender children,
workingmen in every possible disguise,
to keep tally of tho number of peoplo
who rode upon tho ears and paid faro
for tho privilege. As it was in Boston
so it was in Now York nnd in all tho
great centers. Tho system of checkago
in uso upon our railways today is not
only expensive to tho companies and an
intolerable nuisance to tho traveling
public, but n direct impugning of tho in
tegrity of every man in the euip.jy.
I buy a ticket from hero to Boston,
nnd pay in advance. I pay 8j for my
ticket, and Si. CO, or whatever, for a seat
in a drawing room car. It should bo
quito sufiicient for mo to givo up my
ticket to a gateinan ns I enter the depot,
and my other ticket to tho porter in
charge of the drawing room car, as I
enter tho car. Instead of which, I am
stopped at tho gate ns I enter the
depot, in order that a gateinan may
punch tho ticket. I take my seat in tho
car. In conies a train conductor, who
takes my ticket and punches it in three
or four different places. I settle down
to read my paper or my book, and along
comes tho drawing room conductor, who
takes my ticket and gives me another in
its place, on which he punches tho year,
the month, the day of the month", tlio
number of the train, tho number of tho
car, tho number of tho seat, my destina
tion and tho amount paid, all of which
takes my time and gives him unnecessary
labor. Wo pass beyond New Haven, and
another conductor comes, and ho has to
punch my ticket, and another conductor
comes at Worcester, and ho has to punch
tho ticket. Then they come along again
and tnko up tho tickets.
Como with mo into nny of our" bar
rooms, our restaurants, our cafes. Time
was when a man could go with his friend
into a cafe, order his lenionado or what
ever ho wanted, generally the latter,
throw hi3 money on tlio counter and
walk out. Now ho has to perform tho
service of a waiter. Having taken his
refreshment ho waits while tho attendant
turns to a machine nt tho back of tho in
closure, from which lie draws a card, on
which is stamped the amount to be paid,
which amount is shown in glaring letters
upon the machine as the impression is
made. This the customer is compelled
to carry sometimes a distance of a hun
dred feet. At all events ho must carrv
tho cashier chances to bo
hands tho check and tho
money to tho cashier, wipes his mouth
and walks away. In other words, tho
barkeeper is distinctly informed by this
procedure that his employer has no faitli
in him, nnd both he nnd tho cashier is
informed by this mechanism, which reg
isters the nniount, that their employer
trusts neither of them.
And, after all, do checks check?
Thioving conductors wero supplied by
ingenious mechanics with little .arrange
ments by which, while pretending to
register, they in reality pocketed the faro
without registering. Barkeepers, by col
lusion with cashiers, can, if they wish,
defraud their employers. This very week
ono of our railroad auditors tumbled over
a plan by which lares collected on steam
railways wero retained by conductors,
they having dunlicato slips furnished
them by the accountant in tho office.
Human ingenuity is certain to bo met by
human ingi unity. In the long run, tak
ing ago after age, accumulated facts
havo crystallized themselves into n pro
verb, "Honesty is the best policy," nnd
dishonest men know just as well as tho
good and true that the path to success
lies in that direction, anil that leaving
all question of murals out of considera-
ition, the best "pi hey," the truest way
in which to serve one's selfish puqiose,
is to bo honest.
Thero must ln resjionsibility some
where. Somebody must Im trusted, nnd
all this intricate stem of chec.kago
doesn't uniouni to shucks. If a man is
dlshonet-t uud has not brains enough to
know that, in spite of his dishonest ten
dency, sucoe.-s can lie obtained by honest
methods alone, no power this sido of
heaven can keep him from cheating, nud
cheating for n while without detection.
Joo Howard in Boston Globe.
A Very Curious Cose
A highly intelligent lady known to ono
doctor related to him that ono dav sho
past a public institution i in skin, until Mr. Wn Keo, an enterpris
n child, in whom sho was I ing Hong Kong merchant, imported a
particularly interested, coining out
through nn Iron gate. She kuv that ho
let go tho gate after opening ir, and that
it soetuod likely to c1om niKm" him, mid
concluded that it would do so with such
force ns to crush his ankle; however, this
did not hapjicn. "It was impossible,"
sho said, "by wonl or act to bo quick
enough to moot the supposed emergency;
and, In fact, 1 found 1 could not move,
for such Intense ain catuo on in tho
ankle, corresponding to tho ono which 1
thought tho boy would haw injured, that
I could only put my hand qu it to lessen
its extreiuo paiufulucss, I uui 6uro I did
not iuovo so as to strain or enrnlu it.
interested, coming out ,
I ho walk home, a distnnco of nbout n
and on taking off my stocking I found n
w .too muui iuiw,
circle round mo nnkle, as If it had been
nalntod with rod currant juico, with a
largo spot of tho same on tho outer wt.
By morning tho wholo foot waa inflamed,
and 1 waa a prisoner to my bed ninny
dayg." W. II, Uawloy in Boston Globe,
Study well tho human body, tho mind
U not far off. Carmen Sylva.
HAWAIIAN ISLANDS' LEPROSY.
The Only Hopo of tho Native Race The
i Lepers' Colony.
It is now more than half a century
since leprosy was introduced into tho
Hawaiian Islands. It would be quite
Impossiblo to point with certainty to tho
original case, but it is generally under
stood that the seed of tho dreadful mal
ady came from Asia, nnd came in tho
person of nn ill fated foreigner, no may
or may not have been aware of tho in
calculable injury he was about to inflict
upon a nation that had been, until tho
arrival of Capt. Cook, in 1700, ahno.-t
entirely frc-o fr om tlio numerous conta
gious diseases that prevail among civil
ized communities; but the life ho led in
Hawaii was buch ns to speedily commu
nicate this mortal disease, and it was not
long beforo its unmistakable symptoms
wero developing in every quarter of the
kingdom. Leprosy develops slowly : ono
may bo a leper for months or even years
before tho symptoms of tho disease be
gin to discover themselves and nt last
becomo externally evident. Then they
are unmistakable; but by this timo great
mischief may have been done, and dono
innocently enough, icrhaps; for tho
leper will have but recently become con
scious of his state. Thus leprosy spread
through tho kingdom, and spread to such
an alarming degree that it became neces
sary to take public nction in tlio matter.
Tho disease is acknowledged by tho
medical world to be incurable. It has
ever been so considered; and ns yet,
though a thousand experiments have been
tried, tho most hopeful of the scientists
havo nbandoned tho field in despair. Tho
Mosaic law wtis explicit in regard to tho
treatment of those nfllicted by leprosy:
they wero to be set apart, without tho
gates, nnd to walk alone, crying, "Un
clean! unclean!" Their garments wero
to bo burned, their houses cleansed, and
all direct communication between tho
clean and tho unclean was expressly pro
liibitcd. In like manner, segregation
was considered to be tho only hopo of tho
Hawaiian race. A btiitablo spot was
Bought to which the lepers might lie re
moved, where they might bo tenderly
cared for and jealously guarded, nnd
thero they wero to end their miserable
days. Tho prospect of life banishment
nlarmed the natives, both the sick nnd
tho halo; they were not, and' they still
nro not, afraid of tho disease. They aro
a most affectionate peoplo: they lovo
their friends with a lovo passing the love
of woman; moreover, they aio fearless
of death at heart they aro fatalists.
When tho health agent of tho govern
ment went forth in search of the nfllicted,
hoping to gather them together, houso
them, feed them and clothe them at the
government expense, he found great dif
ficulty in securing nny of them. At the
npproach of this health officer tho lepers
would be secreted by friends, who wero
willing to bravo possible contagion rather
than part witli those 60 dear to them.
Sometimes tho unfortunates wero sur
prised and given into tho hands of tlio
police, who wero to havo chargo of them
until they could bo shipped to tho new
settlement. Eyo witnesses of the heart
rending scenes that followed theso cai
tures will not soon forget the agony of
tho final' partings. Terrible as was tho
emergency, tho voice of tho government
could justly say, with Hamlet:
I must bo cruel only to bo kind.
It was a question of saving tho remnant
of the nation nt tho prico of tho hopeless
few. Tho littlo lowland, nt our feet was
found to be, by all odds, the most desir
ublo locality in tho wholo group for a
settlement such as was proposed.
Thero aro few whito peoplo on tho
Island of Molokai. This lowland was
seldom, perhaps never, visited; certainly,
thero was no necessity of its being visited
by thoso who were not concerned in the
welfare of the natives. Thero was amplo
eustenanco both on land and sea; fishers
wero living among tlio foam crested
rocks; tho husbandman would find an
immediato market for his produce, and
ho was alike fearless and hospitably dis
posed. Indeed, all things considered, no
better rcfugo for tho leper could bo
found; nnd so tho littlo lowland under
tho great windward cliff of Molokai was
6peedily and permanently secured. Trans
I portation began immediately, and for
I twenty years it has continued; it has
j continued in spito cf the pitiful protesta
tions of friends nnd relations, nnd in
I epito of tho liit instinct of humanity
tho natural appeal of the synipathe'tic.
It has continued it must continue until
tho last vestige of leprosy has disappeared
from tho kingdom. "Tho Leiers of
New York's Chlnrsn I-uumlrymen.
The Chineso tailors make tho laundry
men their blouses and short petticoats, "to
eavo them from what they would con
Eider tho misery of wearing tho tight fit
ting American trousers that prevent ven
tilation. The doctors bring their cases
of Chi-Mayo. Neu Teah fa, Sin goopch,
and countless other herbs, to prevent tho
washees from having tho gout, dysnep-
Bjiiz nnd other kindred diseases that
nro co-existent with western civilization. I
nnd that were unknown to Chinamen un-
til thoy began to feed like Christians.
"iet, notwithstanding tho merits of Chi-
neso unurs, tho Chmamen kent rottim? ,
moro luneivai in taco nnd qualmish in
stomach, and continued to turn vellower
' J 1
cargo of nil manner of curious canned,
dried nnd preserved fruit from tho far oil
"land of many flowers." Then tho New
York Chinamen began to rovive, as tho
plants of an Egyptian desert brighten up
nfter n refreshing shower. Wong Chin
Too in Tlio Cosmopolitan.
Hunting of Steam Hollers.
Tlio boiler bursting record is a largo
and growing one. Over 200, oil un
doubtedly supposed safe, exploded dur
ing tho past year. Tlio invention of tho
safety Beam steam boiler, which opens at
tho joint,, nnd puts out tho firo beforo
rniniwvi tlm wini i
must bjivo many lives in a year's time,
jjoro man 7uu norsona wero stricken
( down, without warning, by boiler cxplo
I eions within our country during tho jwst
f year. Moro than half theso persona wero
Kweu ouirigm, and many or uio ro
mainder wero maimed for life. Boston
Counting tho chickens before the eggs
are laid is tho pastime of Uio modem
prophet, Vineyard Herald.
HE WANTED THE QUARTER,
The Father's Anxiety Was Divided lie
tween Ills Child anil the Coin.
"I have Eeen somo stingy men while
I've been in tho medical profession, but
tho littlest game I ever saw occurred tho
So spake one of our young doctors en
gaged in a largo dispensary connected
with one of the medical schools in the
city. Tho doctor continued: "Much of
our work is thankless enough. We ex
perience tho greatest difiioiity in getting
patients to take medicine as they are di
rected. "They seem almost to have an idea
sometimes that we ought topay them for
taking what is going to cure them. Fre
quently, when an interesting caso comes
in while a clinic is going on in college,
we take it beforo the class and show tho
would be M. D.'s tho procedure taken for
its relief. The case in question was that
of an Italian. He came rushing in with
a child about a year old in his arms.
Anxiety wasdepicted on his countenance.
"Tho littlo thing had great difficulty
in breathing, but retained breath enough
to make Homo howl. Calming the
father somewhat, we managed to learn
that the child had swallowed a quarter
of a dollar, which had stuck in its throat.
Ho asked if we could get't out. Wo
promised to do our best, and, as a clinic
was in session, took the child and the
father into the pit of tho amphitheatre,
60 that the operation might pe performed
before the students.
"The professor began work at once for
ho saw that the child was in a fair way
to suffocate. They use for theso opera
tions an instrument called a coin catcher,
which is made liko a crochet needle,
only tho material is rubber, and the hook
on tho end of tlio instrument is longer
than that of a crochet needle. Tho in
strument is to be passed down the throat,
past the coin, and when withdrawn the
hook catches under tho coin and it is
pulled up. At best, it is a difficult oper
ation, for tho child will kick and squirm,
and it is not without danger to tho sur
"The professor worked away, and as
his efforts for a time proved unsuccess
ful, tho anxiety on the face of the father
became intense. He fidgeted and seemed
to think that all was lost, At length tho
coin was extricated and tho boys stamped
their applause. Tho professor laid the
coin down on the table while lio washed
his hands. This was tlio Italian's chance,
and while the professor's back was turned
ho quickly transferred the quarter to his
pocket. Tho look of distress vanished
from his countenance.
"It became manifest that the loss of his
coin had contended witli tho danger of
losing his child to produce his anxiety;
and that is why 1 say it was tho meanest
thing I ever saw. Tlio boys had ono on
tho professor, though, when ho turned
and looked for the quarter, and they
mado the old building shako with their
appreciation. The professor caught on
and got tho man to swap off tho recov
ered quarter for another, whilo ho exhib
ited it to tho class." New York Evening
A Neat Swindle.
A peculiarly suspicious individual
named Mack was in charge of tho City
hall cigar store, when two dapper looking
young men entered. Ono carried in his
hand an envelope, which was addressed,
but not sealed. "Can you givo mo a ten
dollar note for theso ten bills?" ho asked.
"Tho old lady wants to send tho money
in this letter."
Tho ten dollar bill was immediately
given to tho young man, who apparently
put it in the letter. Mack counted the
bills given in exchango and found only
nino there. "There is only 9 in this,"
'Oh, how can that be?" said the young
man. '"Tho old lady must havo mado a
mistake. I put the $10 in this letter nnd
havo sealed it. I don't want to open the
envelope again. Will you just hold the
letter with tho $10 nnd I will take tho $9
to tho old lady."
Mack thought that fair enough, as he
behoved ho saw tho young man put $10
in tho envelope. Ho still holds it. It is
addressed to "II. Ed Idnie, Bingham
ton, N. Y." It was not long beforo Mack
opened it, but blank paper was all it con
tained. Brooklyn Eagle.
A l'rlnro's Antics.
Tho princo of Parma maintained great
6tato in his small principality, nnd, by
tho aid of tho Australians, very despotic
authority. His littlo army was entirely
under his own military code. His pun
ishment of tho officers was at times orig
inal. One of them consisted in compel
ling them to carry pails of water from
ono well to another, U00 or -100 yards dis
tant. He insisted that the entire absence
of nny useful purpose in this disacree-
nblo task added irreutlv tn its iirmloncinf.
ness, in which ho was not far wroii"
His practical jokes did not add to tho
dignity or comfort of his court. I was
-of i i.n i... ... , .
.is. is. L'l.iiMi iv ma firiiopitii
I a largo plate of strong mustard 6and
I wiches to bo handed round with his com
I pliments nt supper time to tho most dig
nified of the great ladies, who coughed
and gesticulated painfully when thev
pungent mi-turc Bhck-
The llri.hl Hoy Knetj
In ono of tho city schools a teacher,
with nil tho patience nnd powers of per
suasion sho could command, was en
deavoring to instruct a class about u
right angle triangle. After several at
tempts 6ho chilled tho Bcholars to account
for inattention with tho remark that
what bIio was saying seemed to go in one
ear and out tho other. Again sho re-
Dented her deseri tt ion . following It liv
asking: "Who can tell what a right angle
trianglo is?" Up went a hand, and the
bright boy to whom it belonged shouted:
"Something which goes in ono ear and
out the other." Worcester Spy.
Trees llelour Grouud.
Whilo Binking a well at his new saw
mill near Seymour, Ind., Jesse Cox came
across eomo largo chestnut trees thirty
feet below tho surfneo in a perfect state
of preservation. Chicago Times.
STORIES ABOUT MEN.
Tlio Brilliant Idea Tlmt Struck Senator
When Senator Palmer recently took a
ecoro of prominent men to tho Michigan club
reunion nt Detroit, there were a few inci
dents of tho trip that tho senator has tis
far kept quiet Among the diversions offered
to his guests tho scnutor suggested a trip to
his log house, a few miles from tho city. A
jwrtv was mado up, nud tho keeper of tho
rural retreat was told to get up a dinner for
fifteen jiersons. Hut in somo way tho word
got round that Senator rainier was going to
give n "grand spread" ut his log house, and
when he and his guests started for their
drivo through tho woods thoy wero surprised
to And other wagoa loads going in tho sama
"I think," said the senator, "that it would
bo safo to raiso that dinner order to twenty
flve." Accordingly ho stepped into n store that
had a telephone and raised his order tc-twenty-flve.
When tho log houso was
reached, tho senator was nppallod to find
about 200 hungry nnd thirsty individuals
awaiting his dinner. Thoy wero not inter
loiers, but men of distinction In Michigan
attending tho club reunion, nnd tho senator's
natural hospitality inclined him to treat
"Hut what shall I dof nppenled tho dis
tracted stuwurd. "Dinner for twenty-Ova-and
hero uro 'J00 1"
"Can't you kill a Jersey cow?"
"There isn't time."
But hero u brilliant idea struck tho senator.
"Why, I'll tell you what to do," ho said.
"We'll call it a lunch, not a dinner. Dinner
for twcnty-Uvo ought to make lunch for 200."
And thereupon tho "lunch" was spread.
That it was a success is indicated by tho re
mark of one of his Washington guests.
"Palmer," said ho, "as a 'dinner' this is a
triflo light; but as a 'lunch' it's tho finest
thing I over saw in my lifo." New York
Il Gut tho Job.
When Amos Cummings arrived in Now
York, after tho war, ho had a most excellent
opportunity to bo a tramp. All he possessed
besido a job.lot of ragged clothes on his back
was twenty cents' worth of postage stamps
badly glued together. IIo woro n pair of
battered cavalry boots and about three
quarters of a pair of trousers. Tho place
whero tho missing parts of tho latter should
lmvo been was concealed by a sunburned
army overcoat. In this garb ho climbed up
to Horaco Greeley's editorial den nnd asked
Mr. Greeley for a job. IIo did not ask to bo
appointed to either the position of managing
editor or foreman. Ho was willing to do any
thing. "No placo for you," squeaked Mr. Greeley,
without turning from his desk to look at tho
applicant, "don't you see I'm busy? G'wayl
Scat! Dam it I"
"But I tell you I must havo a job." Mr.
Greeley turned around his revolving chair,
and glaring at Cummings, said: "Must?
For what reason, young man, do you say
must?" "For this reason," replied Amos, turning
his back on Mr. Greeley, lifting the drapery
of his old bluo overcoat and exhibiting the
vncant places whero tho wild winds had
whistled through his trousers.
IIo got the job. J. Amory Knox.
He Hud a Winning Way.
A few years ago the Episcopal diocese of
Kentucky npieared to bo torn up with dis
sensions about high and low church. The
bishop unfortunately allowed his sympathies
to bo drawn out to ono party as against the
other, and thereafter bocoming disheartened
and d.scouraged, resignpd. Tho present
bishop, when called to the dioceso, was de
termined to ignore theso dissensions, and if
possible to harmonize his people. For some
time no ono was able to discover whether his.
sympathies wero with ono or tho other party
until, nn occasion presenting itself in a social
circle, a lady (with tho curiosity of her ses)
said: "Bishop, what aro your views? Wo
can't find out. Aro you high church or low
churchi" Instantly tho bishop repliedr
"Madam, I am high, low, Jack and tbe
game." Thero aro no dissensions now. Pitts
Two Vry Dlffflrent Halation.
IIo said that Col. Smith, of Missouri, had
twico been an unsuccessful candidate for con
gressional honors before the peoplo. A local
politician of somo note, whom tho colonol;
had time and again assisted financially, wasi
opposed to him in politics, and thereforoi
worked and voted against him. A few days;
after tho second defeat of CoL Smith for
congress ho met his friend, who asked himi
for a loan of
"Look here, Sam," said tho colonel, "how
Is it that when I run for ofllco you always
oppose me, but when you wunt money you
never fail to como to mo?"
"I'll tell you, colonel," replied Sam. "Po
litically I am opposed to you, but financially
1 am your friend. Denver Nows,
Antiquity of Artesian, vTells..
Tho artesian well was known to tlio
agriculturist ages ugo. Tlio Chinese, tho
Hindoos and the Egyptians must havo
learned to develop "blind springs," and
from this beginning went on experiment
tig with rude dug and piped wells, which
in favorablo situations brought tho water
to tho surfaco: In tho heart of tho Sa
hara, in Asia Minor nnd in Persia, trav
elers find unmistaknblo cvidenco that
flowing wells wero obtained long before
tho province of Artois gavo its narna
"Artesian" to these nrtifieial well springs.
Charles n. Shinn in Overland Monthly.
ROOTS & HERBS.
AND ALL OTHER DISEASES
DISORDERED STATE ornc STOMACH
rOR SALE DV ALL
DRUGGISTS ft CEfiERAL OFAl Fpg