OREGON SCOUT.
JONES & CHANCEY, Puhliahora.
vxims. ouiwox.
SALI-WATtK OaY.
An Old New Jnmer INntlval That I Hap
Idly OdIiir Out.
The custom of observing Salt-water
Day is so old that it is supposed to bo
of Dutch origin: but long beforo tlio
Dutch camo to Now Jersey tho Stato
in which tho day is celebrated tho In
dians hail a custom winch iniglit very
well hare furnished tho model. It is
fact established in history that the New
Jersey Indians were in tho periodical
habit of assembling in tho neighbor
hood of tho salt water for tho purpose
of feasting upon oysters, and the gath
ering and eating of oystors was ono of
the chief features of Salt-water Day ob
served among tho Monmouth County
larmers in later yoars. Beforo oysters
becamo privato property, and wliou
thcro wero natural buds of thorn along
tho Jersey shore, farmers living within
twenty or thirty miles felt a keen oys
ter hunger about tho lirst of every An
gust, and on Salt-water Da', which oo-
ours at tins soason, the beds were made
to sudor. They suffered ho much that tho
How Jersey Legislature finally passed
m law refraining people from taking
oysters by any means except tlte tin-
nupnlomcnted feet and hands, so that
for Hovcral years previous to tho timo
-ivhon oysters ceased to bn public prop
erty tho farmors on Salt-water Day
could obtain this delicate food only by
"treading" it; that is, by working tho
oysters from tho bottom, and skillfully
liringing them to tho surface with their
toes.
South Amboy used to bo a favorito
place of gathering on Salt-water Day,
and bo lately as fivo years ago as many
Asone hundred tent-top wagons brought
in their loads of people from tho back
lying farms to assist in this celebration.
At South Amboy tho festivities are
concluded in a single day, but
at other places and notably at Point
Pleasant, or Sea Girt, as it is now
called, a part of the village of
Squan three days ore devoted to
thorn. Of courso at those festivals at
-tho edge of the sea there have como to
bo other joys than tho joy of eating
oysters, 11a thing, dancing iinil miscel
laneous feasting are to bo reckoned
.among tho delights of Salt-water Day.
Thero aro stores of cold fowl, sand
wicheH, home-mado pics, cider uud pink
lomonadc, and Nome of tho wagon-tops
Jcoep tho sun off from a kog or a demi
john of applo-jaok. Tho bathing suits
-worn by tho farmers and thoir wives
and daughters aro home-made, tho
jiamo as tho pies, and aro commendable
lor their comfort and serviceability
-rather than their lit
But tho obsorvanco of Salt-water
Day is not what it used to bo. Rail
roads have brought tho soa and the
oystors nearer to tho farmers, and the
aeaaon for tho celebration is largely
gone. Tho colored peoplo still observe
Iho day with considerable forvor at
J-ong Hranoh, but tho festival, speaking
generally, is ono which is rapidly going
out. Harper's Weekly.
CHINA'S WEST POINT.
How Military Unitnt itro lMucntcil In the
1'louory KliiciUiui.
Nearly three years ago tho Chinese
Government, at tho instigation of Li
Hung Chang, decided to establish an
academy for forming a sta,ff of well
Instructed nativo ofllcors. With this
.abject the first body of Chinese cadets
wore brought together and installed in
tho office of tho admiralty at Tion-Tsin.
This was in March, 188.", and very soon
afterward tho construction of a sepa
rate building for them was commenced.
This is now completed, anil it is to serve
as the model of similar buildings, one 1
of which is to bo erected in
tho capital,
of each of the eighteen provinces. Tho
ncadomy of Tien-Tsin is situated on the
Telho, and occupies a space of moro
than six hundred square yards. It is
excellently adapted to tho requirements
of such a building, while its architect
xiral appearaneo is in harmony with
tliolocalbiirrouiidiugs. Besides a largo
number of reception and dining rooms
and tho dormitories, there are four
ront lecture halls, two largo saloons,
a room for military games, another for
photographical work, mid a third for
printing, two chemistry halls, and an
apartment for drawing, Tho building
i capable of accommodating three
hundred students and the administra
tive staff. On a wide plain adjoining
tho building aro encamped under tents
a considerable body of Infantry and
artillery, At tho head of tho corps of
tho cadets Is a Chinese olllcor, tho
Taotai Vang Tsung Pan. ills colleague
is, however, Major Paul!, of tho (iur
lnun artillery. Tho masters and in
tdruetors aro also foreign officers,
chictly German!), and tho system of
training Is borrowed from tho Gorman,
The sons of tho upper classes aro alone
.admitted between tho ages of fourteen
and llfteen. At 11m tills rule was not
observed, and thoro was ono instance
of a cadet being as old as thirty-live.
Each student is expected to remain
four yours in the general class, where
lie is taught Chinese, writing, foreign
languages, geography and natural
science. After tho termination of this
preliminary courso ho is transferred
for a year to ono of the school com
jhtnlos attached to tho corps. Ho thou
.serves for u year with the regular
army, and finally returns to the
military school for a year's instruction
in military science. After passing
hi examination tho cadet rooolvus his
commission ami joins 0110 of tho rugi
menu of tho Cliltiactt arniy, (Mioata
2Vici. .
ROYAL SALARIES.
Wliot liuropo l'ny Annually for Mnln-
tululntr It Monurchlr.
A table recently prepared shows tho
royal salaries paid in Hurope, and it
forms interesting reading for thoso who
havo 1111 idea that our own Government
is conducted on a wasteful and oxtrav
agant plan, and who think, as some of
tho Koarnevitos used to assort, that no
man ought to get more than $3 a da',
Tho Emperor of Russia receives $8,-
250,000 per annum; tho Sultan of Tur-
koy, SG.000,000; tho Emperor of Aus
triii, f 1,000, 000; tho King of Prussia,
f3.000.000; tho King of Italy, $2,400,
000; tho Queon of England, $2,200,000;
tho Queen of Spain, $1,800,000, and the
King of tho Belgians, ijtfOO.OOO.
What a sermon against monarchical
government this brief table cojitainsl
Light persons, men and women for
Kings and Queens arc nothing more
receivo each year in tho aggregate
f28,150,000 for doing what? For do
ing nothing that hundreds may bo
thousands of thoir subjects could not
do just as well and possibly much hot-
ter. borne of thoso monarohsgct thoir
salaries for doing really nothing.
Queen Victoria, for example, lias abso
lutely no function to perform except
to represont 111 her royal person tho
idea of domipion and sovereignty. She
iias no part in tho irovernincnt of tho
country. Tho most irrepressible Irish
member of Parliament dries more and
has more to say about ruling tho cm
piro than Victoria lias; and vet lie
emiso she is what she is, the mere eido
lon of a bygono autocracy, her loving
subjects pay her over 2,000,000 every
year for her own use ami benefit.
Tho King of Prussia receives $3,000,-
000 a year as compensation for his
irduous royal duties; and when it is
considered that ho is tiio Emperor of
Germany, that lie is a man over ninety
years of age, and that tho reins of
Jovernmont havo been for years in the
hands of Bismarck, it must bo ad
mitted that, judged by reoublieau
standards, ho does not earn his sal
ary.
Probably the Czar of Russia performs
as much or more actual labor than any
reigning sovereign 111 Europe I ho
form of Govornnient of Russia bcinr
despotism, tho Czar must necessarily
center all authority in himself and be,
in fact as woll as name, tho fountain
and source of all authority. But even
for his duties, irksome, multifarious
and difllcult though they may be,
$8,250,000 is moro than they are worth,
especially in view of tho financial con
dition of Russia and tho inimonso drain
upon her resources.
Tho peoplo of tho United States
thought they wero doing a wonderful
thing whon they increasod tho Presi
dent's salary from $25,00 j to $50,000;
and yet the largor amount is only a
triflo over two days' salary of tho Em
peror of Russia; while at the same time
the United States is hotter able to pay
tho President tho Czar a salary than
Russia is to pay tho Czar the Presi
dent's salary.
Royalty is simply an onormously ex
ponsivo luxury, with nothing to recom
menu it except irauitioii and prece
dent, and tho only wonder is that it
can keep its hold ho long on intelligent
and progressive nations in tin's ago of
tho world. Sun Francisco Chronicle,
BAGGAGE SMASHING.
Tlin rocullnr mill Skillful Krnlutlons
r
Kxpnrt Trim k-II it ml It-.
But however secure and elaborate
the luxuriant appointments of the
modern trunk ho goes out brand new
from your homo and returns, after a
jaunt, with tho battered marks of
war upon him. You look at him
with despair and join your inspection
with a naughty expletive over that
unprincipled tritnk-sniasher. But
there is something to bo said to his
account that mitigates tho unchari
table opinion of him. Standing in a
railroad center whore steaming engines
rush into tho station with tromulin"
li.iste, one may observe tho trunk-
Hinasher at his work, and stand in
wonderment that he executes his task
so skillfully and yet with such little
damage. A breathless span of time is
allotted him in which to hand down
his pile of trunks, and to the minute
(lie work is done. All around him is
tho roar of a shifting, steaming world
embarking and disembarking in ox-
citing speed and tho only man that
stands cool at his plaoo in tho midst of
this seething Babylon, is tho expert
baggage-iuaster.
To bo a trunk-handler one must bo
an export. None but men of peculiar
Illness are stationed at tho great rail
road exchanges. A greenhorn can at
once be detected, lie tackles a trunk
with bungling awkwardness, lie rolls
it with pulling labor, falls over it and
tilts and drops it a score of times. To
watch an export unloading a train you
will observe how his 0110 hnud rests
upon one corner and the other upon
tho side. He lauds tho trunk on' the
lloor, never upon tiny comer, always
on tho full end. The corner is the
wrecking point even of an iron-clad.
Ho most doxtnroiixly hurls it to a side
with tho easeot a toy, and in an instant
hurls another after It with the grace and
pose of a ball player. Ho always pre
fers a largo trunk to a small ono it is
better to handle, Tho wrecking is
never dono by tho export, who handles
hundreds of trunks at tho great con
tinences of railroads. It is done by the
small frysuif the least work ami par
ticularly by the Inexperienced hands
of road exprossos. iWladeljtttia 2Yiw.
A Loudon bookseller has a copy of
tho first million of "Robinson Crusoe,
which ho describes us 0110 of tho rarest
books In tho English language. The
prluo at which ho holds It is sftQQ.--I'ulho
OjnuMU
HARD OF COMPREHENSION.
Dir. McDaffs Kxpliiliu tn Ilia Wife tho
Dullri of n Jury.
"When aro they ever going to get
through with that conspiracy case, Mr.
McDuffy?" asked his wife, as ho sat
down to dinner tho other evening.
"Get through with it?" said Mr.
McDuffy, in surprise; "wliy.it has been
over for two weeks.
"Has it, indeed," said she. "What
aid they do?"
"Nothing," ho replied, "tho jury
hung."
"You don't say so; and 1 never
heard of it before. I thought all tho
timo they were going to hang tho con
spirators. Who hung tho jury?"
"J hey hung themselves, woman,"
growled McDuffy."
"How dreadful! Did they hang each
other or commit suicide?"
'Thunder and lightning! Can't you
understand any thing?" roared Mc
Duffy. 'Oil, don t be profane, dear; I'vo
read all tho headlines in the newspa
pers, and have been so interested in
tho case, you know, but I don't quite
understand tho law. If you would
only tell mo about it"
'Well, then, explained her hus
band, "Jurors are composed of twclv
men who are seleetod with great care.
They must bo unacquainted with tho
case so that tlioy may bo able to ren
iler an impartial decision, llicy are
placed in tho box"
"In tho box? What kind of a box?"
"in tho jury box. via you suppose
it was a band bo4v or a match box?"
"Do they box them separately or'
"liiey pack tnem 111 oil liko Bar
dines," said McDuffy, savagely, "and
when you take them out you squeeze
301110 lomon juice
jSow don't get sarcastic, Mr. Me
Duffy. I understand tho boxing part
of it; go on please.
Noll, lifter they havo listened to
evidence and pleading and havo been
charged by the judge"
'Why 1 thought it was the lawyers
who (lid tho charging," interrupted
his wife.
Will 3011 keep quiet? After the
charge is delivered, thoy are looked
up"
"Loelcou Hi)! J noso innocent men
that didn t know any thing about it
locked nil? No wonder they killed
themselves, poor tilings."
"Great heavens!" gasped McDuffy
"i Here, mere, near, don t swear.
I'll not soy another word, I under
stand it perfectly. Its just liko men
tho mean things, home of them got
mad because MoGonglo got out of a
bath-tub. Say, Mr. McDuffy, what
has a bath-tub got to do witii a there,
don't swear, 1 understand it, but just
wait until tho women make tho laws.
We'll just hang 1 mean we won
hang 1 moan Mr. McDuffy, I wish
you would bring me two spools of
white thread and a yard moro of cross
barred jaconet for baby's dress. Here,
little twootsy-wootsy, kiss papa before
lie goes. Indianapolis Sentinel.
ICELANDIC; GEYSERS.
An Uxpltiuittlun of Their Occurronca
Which N Worthy of Notice.
Kov. Air. Moteallc, in -his book on
Iceland, gives an account of t ho goy
sors of that country, and adds an ex
planation of their occurrence which is
worthy of notice. Ha pitched his tent
within twenty yards of the Great Gey
ser, but as that was oulv bubbling and
ing, without an oxposion to send
up a column of water, ho removed to a
smaller spring called the Strokr.
So wo proceed, says he, "to this
spring, winch is 0110 Hundred paces
uiuth of tho Great Govser, ami. al
though it has no cone, but rises from
the lint, is tho more picturesque of the
two. Forthwith wo '-oiled handfulsof
turf and stones, and throw them into
the Strokr's pipe; but nothing seemed
to move him. Tho waters below
grunted and snarled like a baited
badger, but were not to be drawn.
"'In the sulks,' said I, laughingly.
us I stood with my back to the orifice.
'Here ho comes!' shrieked one of
the party, as I heard a hiss like a
rocket disengaging itself from its
stick. 'Rush for your life!' and rush I
did; but, my foot catching, down I
fell.
" 'Boiled alive,' was my instantan
eous thought. Mho soothing waters
will descend and overwhelm me.' And
so thov would havo dono had not tho
wind lioou from my side of tho spout,
and carried tho waters in the other di
rection. What a sight! A column of
turbid water, never ending, still begin
ning, darts into tho air at least ono
hundred feet, bearing along with it all
the unwholesome food with which wo
had been loading tho creature's maw.
Tho physical reason for the discharge.
which is a feature common to several
of the Icelandic hot springs, is pretty
well understood. The pipe, which is
forty-eight foot deep, diminishes from
six loot, Its breath at tho top, to eleven
inches at tho bottom. The injected
mass of stones and other material acts
like the shutting of a safety-valve; the
steam has not a proper vent; it collects
rapidly in tho subterranean chambers
that arch over the fountains of. tho
great deop until thoy aro charged to
bursting, and suddenly driving back
the continually encroaching waters,
they lift off tho obstruction, and rush
Into mid-air with tho velocity of a
missil from the chamber of an Arm
strong gun, and aro often illumined, as
on the present occasion, by a beautiful
tiris.
"And where dons all tho wator como
from? That, too, is easy of explana
tion. It is tho dalnago of tho hills
around, which, moating heated sur
faces, gets to thoboiling point, and ux
plodas whon it hiua olmuco."-- J'omAV
toimmutau. . . . I
LIGHT WEIGHT COINS.
An Ancient Siut A lilrli rrerenU Thoso
from 11 a I it 2 Itedecmod.
When is live dollars not live dol
lars? was the conundrum hurled at
the head of a reporter by Edwin I,
Abbott. Ho is a well-known attorney,
nctivo in politcs, and tho brother of ex-
Governor Leon Abbctt, of New Jersey.
When tho reporter lind confessed that
ho was ignorant enough to believe that
five dollars was always five dollars, ho
replied: "Not if it is light weight
Let me tell you a storj of my ox
perienco witii a fivo dollar gold pioce.
Mind you, it was a gold piece the coin
ol the realm, it nau uccn given mo
by a client, with a number of other
pieces and some paper money. I don't
know at what bank ho procured it, but
I know that ho went to some bank to
get tho cash for me, and returned with
tiiis piece among others. Tho banks
pay them out, but thoy don't tako
them in when thoy know it, as I found
out later. Ihcro is a restaurant near
my place of business where I havo
little business transactions occasional
ly with the proprietor or tho man be
hind the counter. During the day
tiiis fivo dollar gold piece wont over
tho counter. The handsome young
man with tho white apron balanced it
in his palm for a minute mid then
handed it back, saying: 'It's lijrht
weight sir, wc can't pass them.' I was
staggered. I thought a five dollar gold
piece was good for something for its
intrinsic value at least. But after
satisfying myself that it was lislit
weight I put it. back into my pocket
and p.iid the bill out of other funds. It
occurred to mo that 1 ought to test the
passing qualities of tho coin at least
once more, so I tried it at tho
cigar store on my way up Broad
,vay. It was no go. Then I sallied
into tho Park National Bank. I told
I lie cashier frankly that 1 understood
the coin to be light weight, and asked
him to giro me its value. 'We can't
do any tiling with it,' said lie. But ho
suggested that I might bo relieved at
the sub-Treasury. By this time 1 was
somewhat mad, and I determined to
follow that five-dollar gold piece to
some kind of a resting-place if it took
all, day. At tho Treasury there was
less encouragement than any place I
had yet ontered. They said th'cy could
not exchange it or redeem it or do any
tiling with it. This struck 1110 as a
strange condition of tlrngs. As I went
along Nassau street in a brown study
my eye happened to light on tho sign
of an office on John street. There is
an announcement there that old gold
will be bought. I walked in and held
out the coin. 'It's short weight,' was
all I said. 'So I see,' said the man in
attendance, as he held it in his hand.
'What can you do with it?' 1 asked.
Molt it,' was his reply. Ho gave me
f 1.70 for it, tho value of the gold. Cu
riosity possessed mo to know what
would bo dono with it. Ho said tho
gold would bo used for manufacturing
purposes. Thou it struck me that thero
is somewhere on the statute books an
iron-clad law that no United Slates
coin shall bo melted up for manufact
uring nurposos under heavy penalties.
I looked the law up. 'I here it is an
ild law, very old, but I believo still in
force. If I am correct about it, do
you see tlio situattonr ihe uovcrn
niont issues a gold coin. It says it
shall be of such a weight, but it must
necessarily get worn and abraded in
constant circulation. Then it says it
shall not bo redeemable in any way,
shall become worthless in circulation
hccau.su it is not redeemable, and yet
shall not ho converted into any tiling
also- , My gold piece bore date of 1817.
I think on tlio whole 1 prefer green
backs to coin, especially short-weight
coin." .iV. J'. Tiibunc.
A Race for Life.
Mr. Inglis, a resident of Travancore,
India, had a narrow escape from death
tlio othor day, having to run for his
life beforo a rogue elephant. Tho an
imal was among a small clump of trees
lose to the jungle path by which Mr.
Inglis had to pass. After a careful sur
vey of the "monarch," that gentleman
dared to throw stones at him. Tlio
lirst one missed, and only caused tho
inimal to cock its ears to catch tho
lightest sound. Tlio second went
stniightor and hit him right in tlio eye.
Iho elephant made 11 sal.iaiu-like move
ment with his trunk, accompanied
with a terrific roar of auger, and
inado straight for his assailant at a
furious pace. .Mr. Inglis, however,
was too clover for him, and ran very
fast, but, in suddenly turning a cor
ner round a hugo tree, ho stumbled
and fell. The elephant was closo on
him with outstretched trunk, tho point
of which at one time touched Mr. In
glis's coat, and had his forefoot al
ready raised to crush him; but tho an
imal's head being caught at this in-
stunt by the tendrils of a climbing
plant which had susponded itself from
the brandies above, ho turned away.
leaving Mr. Inglis frightened, but with
110 limb broken. J ho regno Is a
great terror on tho hills. X. J". Sun.
Could Do Some Thing for Her.
'Tongue can not toll how much 1
love you, Miss Clara," ho said. "1
would do any thing in tho world for
you."
'Would you," sho asked, wearily.
'Try inc."
Well, go and spond the
evening
with Lllllo Brown."
"Llllio Brown! What for?" ho asked,
astonished.
"1 hato her." -V. V. Sun.
Tho tongue shows to a physician
tho disim.se of tho body; to n philoso
pher, tho disoosu of tlio mind; to a
Christian, tho diseaso of tho houl. In
dianapolis Journal. . .--
THE OMINOUS OPAL.
A Jewelry .SaliMtn.in'i Chat About Till
,M licit-AImupcI (loin.
The opal has como into fashion
again so suddenly that its valuo has
Increased tufiitv-fiva per cent, within
the past ye ir. Although the prettiest
combination in jewelry is the opal sur
roumlcu with diamonds, there was
such a prejudice against the opal that
it had almost gone out of use previous
to the recent revival. It began to go
out of fashion about fifteen years ago,
and there are sensible women, who are
not superstitious, but who frankly ad
mil that they havo a prejudice against
opals. If the fashion can maintain it
self for the next year, it mav dissipate
tho popular prejudice and save ono of
the prettiest jewels from obscurity
Tlio opal is tho jewel of October, so
that, according to popular superstition,
those born 111 thai month are safe 111
wearing it. I have heard many inci
dents of opals, which no doubt wero
causes for tlio loss of popularity, and
tho ascribing of bad luck by the wear
ers lias no doubt deterred others
from purchasing such ill-omens. There
is a lady 111 the citvwlio has a full sclof
opals and diamonds, ear-rings, breast
pin, bracelet, rings and hat-pins, that
is not equaled by any other set in the
West. She was once prosperous and
lived in wealth, but in the last five
years has had more misfortunes than
usually befall one woman. Divorce,
loss of fortune, followed quickly upon
the other. She never wears her opals
now, and it lias been frequently re
marked by her friends that they were
the cause ot her ill-luck. 1 know an
other lady who ascribes misfortune to
a beautiful opal ring which she keeps
because it is an heir-loom, but will not
wear it nor allow her children to wear
it. It, was given to her by her brother
when 011 his death-bed, and upon her
return to the city she wore it. J he
very lust night tlio water-pipes burst
and caused a damage of several thou
sand dollars. She had had a presenti
ment when shu put on the ring that
some thing was going to happen, and
after that night she ceased to wear it.
Several years later her daughter put it
on, and a gentleman friend was so
taken with its appearance that lie
asked to wear it. What followed is
considered remarkable. He had been
very prosperous, and had lately gone
up like a rocket. Shortly afterward lie
fell as suddenly. He returned the
ring, having become a Convert to the
popular prejudice. St. Louis Globe
Democrat. CHINESE BOOK-KEEPING.
What tt St. I,oul Mttrchnut Saw In a
Crltwtial'n C'oimtllic Ilonm.
The Chinese book-keeper is a curios
ity, as lie flourishes on the western
coast and around Portland, Ore. I
us up around there recently, and with
the idea of bringing homo some
Chinese curiosities, visited several
stores and shops. Some of tho biggest
merchants 111 that country, you know.
are Uhiueso. 1 went into one small
place where a lot of books were spread
out on a long counter, behind winch
was a Chinaman, wliilo behind a sort
of a desk at tiio other end was another
wearer of tlio pigtail. Tho books
looked to mo like almanacs, if the
Chinese- havo such tilings, and, walk
ing up to tiio counter, I turned two or
three of thent over, looking at them to
satisfy myself as to what they were.
though, of course, I couldn't have told
if I find looked a voar. The ink was
still wet, as if a lien with inked feet
had been walking back and forth over
them.' This gave me the idea that I
had strayed into a manufactory of
Chineso almanacs, and noticing the
yellow-liued gentleman behind the
counter looking at me, I carelessly in
quired: "How mueliee, John?" He
lookeil at, me still, but without reply
ing. "How mueliee, John?" I repeat
ed; "want to buyce. This time John's
features changed. Ho actually smiled
as ho teplied: "Me no selfo tiiese
bookee; 111c keepeo countec, telleo how
luuchee Melican man owee." I had
actually been trying to buy tho man's
set of book. 1 don't know whether
ho was the keeper of books for that en
tire business portion of tho city, but if
lie wasn't he had books enough to havo
kopt all of their accounts. Their sys
tem is cert,. inly original, and different
fiom that with which tho English book
keeper lias to wrestle. Frank A'toio
um, m St. Louis (H il c-lu uiocrat.
How He Received the News.
A man covered with dust rushed into
n Chicago business house, and, ap
proaching the proprietor, said:
"My dear sir. do not bo excited, but
preparo yourself to hear bad nows."
"Wliiif-s the matter?"
"Your wife wont out to soo tlio ball
game."
"Yes."
"I am just from the ball grounds.
A frightful accident happened and"
"And what?"
"My dear sir, your wifo was killod."
"Yes." said tho business man, "but
how does tho score stand?"
"Mv gracious alive, man, I tell vou
that"
"Yes, I know nil about that, but I
have a hundred dollars up on the Chi
cagos and am very anxious to hoar
Ah, horo's tho evening paper. Hero,
bub." Arfotnsaw Traveler.
"Mr. Tart, I havo wrltton somo
versos on my dog; would yon liko to
hoar thum?" "Oh, don't troublo your
self to road thum, Mr. Muse Just let
1110 know what part of the dog the)
iro written 011, and 1 will hit the
aiiul sumo day and mid thum my
n .f." OauiU (nut Courier.
"Mr. Dtisenbeiry, I bliva I'm
wandering in my mind." "Don't be
ttlurmi'd, irn deat; you'll not get icjt.".
JOSH BILLINGS' BEGINNING.
UU Interview with Artcmns Wnrtl A
lliuulxumo Income in lino Time
A more thrifty jwrson was Josh Billings.
IIu wns nn auctioneer in tlio country parts of
Now York stnto, who hml tiied nil sorts of
things and continued to be poor. IIo tboupht
ho said humorous things and wise ones too,
but somehow nobody else could see them,
Observing Ai lonim Ward to misspell all
his humorous articles, Josh Billings undertook
tho Kume with one of liK Immediately It took:
wings and legaii to ny over tho Innd. II
recognized the fnct that a mail must have no
spell in this country mid net under its influ
ence, but that he can have a inissjell and grow
well oil.
Now, Josh Billings wns really n somowhnt
profound person with a cood ileal of Beujainin
Franklin's happy faculty of saying a wis
thing in a quaint way. But they would not
pass unless they were misspelled. Tiiera wn
no sense whatever in his missjwlling of tbeui.
They were not misspelled in either tho negro,
tlio Irish or Yankee dialect; it was nothing
but arbitrary misspelling without any
method.
NVlien he obtained some currency ho cam
down to Now York city to see the other
humorists nndseo if they would not tnko him
into their guild. Artemus Ward received
him nfter his lectmv with profuse compli
ments nnd made niuippoiutmeiit with him ntiv
bookbeller's. Josh waited there two or thieu
hours, until ho felt that he might 1)0 kicked
out nnd came nwny and saw Artemus Want
no more.
It was tiio samo with all the rest of them;
they wero poor scrntcliers for 11 livelihood,
getting grins out of men instead ot guineas.
So Josh Billings resolved to capitalize his
humor in tlio best way he could. Ho sold
himself to iihtory paper at so much a week,
prepared nn almanac once a year nnd lectured
whenever ho could get 11 chanco. In that
way ho rolled up an income of km haps $C,0W
a year, and saved it und handed it over to hU
wifo and family.
I saw him towards tho lost of his days n
pearing in Iho New York hotels, n, rather
lonely man whom hard worli lihd somouhat
deprived of his power to bo quaint and origi
nal. IIo said to me that ho wished hu hud
kept tho funny paers ho had written in his
youth and got nothing for them. Said hoj
"Every ono of them is worth $100 now, but I
can't make them ns I could then."
This man, under a better organized society,
would have been taken out of tho mere circus
business of life and put to use and have given
tnoro pleasure; and his collected works would
havo somo unity about them. Gcorgo Alfred
Townsend.
Men with Funny Feet.
'Queer customers? Well, I should say bo,"
said a Broadway shoemaker, nho numbers
among his patrons manv men of local nnd
national renown. "Yes, we havo odd men to
deal with."
"And many funny feet to lit," suggested
tho reporter.
"Quito right Ono gentleman In the whole-
salo liquor business down town is tho hardest
customer to plcaso wo ever had. His feet, in
addition to being largo and flat, havo low In
steps nnd nro garnished with big bunions of
tho most painful kind. Consequently hU
shoes aro made to give plenty of room to thu
excrescences, and when completed ara not
unli!;o nn embossed map, with hills and dale
distinctly outlined."
"What does Mich a pair of shoes cost!"
"Eighteen dollars. They aro mudo of tb
flucst kid, Mif t and pliable, nnd two pairs will
last u year if carefully dressed three times a
week. Samuel J. Tilden wns u good patron
of ours. Several years ago, when it was ru
mored that he Intended to bo married, hu
ordered an elegant pair of pumps. Tho
leather was specially prepared in France und
imported for the work. The hand sowing.
was most exquisite, and the pumps wero-
really a work of art; but although Mr. Tilden
didn't mhniro them he paid the bill fij
without a murmur."
"Did ho tako tuo shoesi"
"No; so we placed them in our show wbi-
dow, wlnjre. they wero much admired. Onu
day a young swell eauio along, took a fancy
to them, paid $15 and carried off tho prize.
1 hey n ere tho daintiest littio pair of 'sixes
wo ever turned out."
"What urn r.01110 of tlio uunoynnces you
havo to contend with?"'
"Theviiroso numerous you would hardly
care to print them, but 1 will enumeratf iv
few. Among tho worst men we havo tv flt
Mid it is a Washington market butcher,,
who e left foot is larger, longer and slimmer
than the right, Sometimes wo havo to mako
tlireo pairs of boots lor him beforo ho is
suited. Then we havo a Rixlli avemio con
fectioner who has no toes on cither foot. I
don't know how ho lost 1 hem born that way,
fancy but tuo iuct remains that ho has no
toes. IIo is a pretty tough man to pleaxo.
Another mnii in tho employ of tho city gov
ernment has the 1110 t monstrous great toes
over saw. It seem-, to mo they must bo
nearlv two and a hulf inches long. Thoy uro
out of nil proportion to the other toes, and
necessarily his shoes aro very hard to make."
Iow ork bun.
Lord ltoehester, eldest son of tho Earl of
Carnarvon, comes of ngo this week nnd in
herits tho Chesterfield estates. When hif
father dies ho will b one of tho wealthiest of
peers, as his Income will exceed f jOU.COU an
nually.
Is nn aflfectlon of the Liver, and can
oe thoroughly cured hy that Grand
Kegulntor of tho Liver uud
Biliary Organs,
SIMMONS LIVER REGULATOR
MANCFACTCllED BY
J. II. ZEILIN & CO., PhJladelphla, Pa.
I was nfllicted for several years with
disordered liver, which rctulted lu a
severe attAck of jaundice, I had as
. good medical attendnnee ns our sec
tion affords, who failed utterly to ro
rtore me to tho enjoyment of my
former good health. 1 then tried tho
favorite prescription of oue of tho
most renowned physicians of Louis
ville, Ky., but to no purpose; where
upon I wa Induced to try Nlnuiionu
Liver Ht'Kiilntor. 1 found Imme
diate benetit from Its use, sad it ulti
mately tutored me to the full enjoy,
ment of health.
A. II. SHIRLEY,
Richmond, Ky.
HEADACHE
Proeearts from a Torpid Liver nnd Inv
purities of the Stouinch. It can bo
Invariably cured by taking
SIMMONS LIVERREGULATOR
Let all wbe tufler remember that
8I0K AND NERVOUS HEADACHES
Qui b prTntnl bj Uking dOM M o(n u rhefe
jmplona Udint lh coining pf na tltecfc.
jj
BSOOSJSIESS