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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 13, 1886)
AUTUMN DAYS. ,A wealth of beauty meet my eye Yellow nnil qrcen, and brnwu and white, In one vaH bhizc of plory II 11 My happy eight. 5Tie rlcl.-robed trcc, the rlpcnlnp corn, Brlcht colored with September Are rulflllriicut of the farmer's bops ' And year' desire. Bwect In the nlr are joyous sounds Of bird and bee and running brook; And plenteous fruits banc ripening round Where'er J look. The mellow tp'cnrtnr toftly falls On moriilnir mists and evening dews. And colors tree and flowers and clouds ' 4 With thousand hues. O dreaming clouds, with sllrer fringed I I watch jc gathering side by side, Like armies, In the solemn skies, In stately pride. J love the woods, the changing woodu, Fast declining down the russet glow, "When autumn, like a brunette queen, Kulcs all below. The soul of beauty haunts the heavens, Nor leuves for long the wntm-fuced earth, And like n kind mother, the kind air To life gives birth. But death rides past upon the gale, And blows the rustling golden leaves; They whirl and full, ami rot and die, And my beurt grieves. Farewell 1 Ocutumn days farewell I Yc go; but we shall meet again, As old friends, who arc parted long lly the wild main. William Cowan. POLES APART. Dick Fellowes Hung himself buck against the frail door-post of tho sum mer house 1 11 tho airy building rocked to its foundation. "Say oni) kind word, Stella. My love may Hot scorn much to you, but at least it is tho bust I have to givo," ho jmid, earnestly, looking very white ami hurt. Stella Howard, sitting sweet, and calm in her white gown and pearls, half glanced toward hor impetuous lover, then dropped her blue eyes again with a suspicion of a dainty jhuddor. Dick's hands wore ho very big and red, and his evening dress looked as if )t came out of the ark. Of course ho )vas very good and nice, and Stella did ot mind his clumsy, little attentions Whou no more interesting was at hand; 1mt to bo madu love to by a big, awk ward, young civil engineer working on tho now ra I way lino! a creature who couldn't sing or rale, or play billiards; who entered a room like a wandering elephant, and was forever burled in diagrams and calculations, instead of talking society chatter! Stella could not help fechng it a deeidi'd liberty on Dick Fellowes' part to imagine himself entitled to love Colonel Howard's only daughter, and she heartily wished slio luid never suggested his being invited to dinner at which ho had overturned n glass of cliablis over her new lace flounce or consented to show him tho garden in thu soft sunset glow of that Juno evening. "1 don't know what to say. I'vo told you it isn't tho hunt use, Mr. Fel lowes; your life and mine are poles apart; wo can't make them meet. I'm very sorry you should bo pained. Try c to forgot it all," she answered, trying not to show her disdain too plainly. Forgot!" echoed Fellowes, tho blood rushing to his lomplos. "No, that's not l.koly. 1 tell you whilo you livo no man will love you as I have done. Good-by, Stella; 1 can't stand any more, Heaven bless you, although you aro so cruel 1" And ho was out of sight down tho garden path he lore Stella could have stopped him, oven had she so wished. What curiously abrupt manners ho had, thought she, as she made her way to the drawing room through the sweet Bceuted roses to sing the song Captain Thurlow had bogged for in a whisper as sho loft tho taiilo. How odd to go without b tiding good-by! Anil ho was leaving Churlstono tho next day, sho :now. Captain Thurlow's pollshod manner fas a pos tivo rol.ef alter such bohav r, and as ho turned tho pa;es of the 'lioheniiau Girl!" and murmured coin JiiuonlH into Stella Howard's well Joa-sod oar 1) ok Fellowos and his woo .Jig faded from her inind liku a disa greeable dream. Only oueu did she hear his name in tho two years that followed, and that was in connection with the sehomo of Bomo proposed Government works, and lio was called Mr. Fellowes, tho well known and r sing engineer.'' Dick rising! Diok famous! Slella was Housihlu of a little shock of intense wonder. Hut llioro was vory llttlo tinio for any thought of tho outside world after that. Colonel Howard died in Af ghanistan, and Stella found hersolf a penn less orphan, dependent on tho distant relations with whom she was living. Even in hor sorrow and de spair there was a little ray of comfort In tho thought of Captain Tliurlow. Suroly there was one strong arm and brave-heart that would not fa I hor. DuUCaptaiii Thurlow was endowed with a knowledge of tho world, which made hint keenly aw aro of tho nleo dlU'ereneo between Miss Howard thu pretty daughter of his reputedly wealthy Colonel and Miss Howard tho penniless orphaiv. H s engagement to u Laneasli.ro in. ntlfaotiiror's daughter was in all the souieiy papers within a fort n ght; ami. as Stella tr.od to crush out tho mortification and resentment from her heart, which seem 'd full to overllowing. there sounded in her ears, us if it wore a proyheo., Dick Fellowos' parting words; "No one w.ll over lovo you as I linvo done." Was it all tho perversity of a woman's nature that madu Stella's memory dwell so often and so kindly on tho recollection of that wooing as time Kent on? In the old dins life had held o much lovo for her that Dick's seemed k thing little worth tho having; now that sho was that louelv th'ng, a gov erness in other people's houses, she wondered how she could have despised any lovo so honest and so true, und her recollection of clumsy Dick grow to bo a very kind ami gentle one. Not that her lot was us hard as that of many; indcoll, tho Bouchers wore very kind to her. Her pupils were good and afloclionatc, with tho careless affection of children; sho had plenty to cat and drink and nolliin: to complain of, except that her life had passed her bj blio mud to do her duty, to teach tho children well and wisely, to help Mrs. Boucher with her numerous guests and society cares. Tho house was to Jc full for regatta as usual, and Stella had pronlised to givo up her holiday till they wcro all gono again. She was writing notes for a great garden party when tho little girls burst in upon her in wild excite ment. "Oh, Miss Howard! only think! Sir Itichio is coming our own dear Sir llichio. Isn't it lovely!" they cried. "And who may S.r Illchio bo?" in quired Miss Howard, very composed ly, directing another envelope. "Not know our Sir llichio? Why, everybody knows him. Ho plays tennis with us, and rows us on the lake, and bins us dolls. Fancy, idauima, Miss Howard does not know our own darling Sir llichio!" "Mis3 Howard lias bech out of so ciety so long that thoro is an excuse for her not knowing at least the name of Sir llichard Followo3," responded Mrs. Boucher. The pen rolled over unon tho newly addressed envelopes and ruined two. "Sir llichard Fellowes?" was all M ss Howard could gasp out. "Yes, tho great inventor and civil engineer. He had his baronetcy con ferred a few months ago, when ho finished his great railway lino to Thibet; and bo's just been stopping at Osborne. Is it possiblo you've never hoard his name? Why, no was one of tho lions of last season, young, rich and tho fashion. I'm lucky to get him hero, even for a Hying visit; but my husband and he aro old friends, and ho is wonderfully fond of tho children.' Can it bo that you have never heard ot him, really?" "I 1 met him some years ago," Stella managed to falter. Gladlv would Ste'la havo hidden lior self in her distant school room tiiat night and pleaded neuralgia or any oth er synonym for a broken heart rather than enter tho crowded drawing room, whonco tho soft flow of voices and laughter floated out from the open win dows ovor to her own room in the wing. But Mrs. Boucher had told her that they would want soino singing, and governesses must not indulge their feel ings when other people's entertainment is at stake. Slella's heart seemed beating in hor ears as sho entered tho great drawing room' behind a tray of collee cups and hid herself in a sheltered nook near tho piano. At first she could sco nothing cloarly, the rose shaded lamps threw so dim a light ; then sho grow awaro of a group of smiling, interested people.all bestow ing their most gracious smiles and at tentions to a tall ligure in their midst. Could that bo Dick Fellowes that broad shouldered man with the brown mus tache and close cropped, curly head, who moved and spoke like a man confi dent of his own powers and used to succeed and please? Stella thought of tho ill-litting garments of old days as sho noticed the shapely cut of his" coat collar and tho grace of self-possession in his every movement. Dick had red hands uiul'lug bonis anil suggested a bull in a china shop. Was there some mistake after all? A moment and then he raised his head and sho caught tho old merry smilo and the Hash of tho qu ok, gray eyes; and half blinded and bewildered with a rush of recollections, blolla made hor way to tho piano in obediuneo to Mrs. Boucher's smile ami nod. Why had Mrs. Boucher asked her to sing "Golden Days?" It was Dick's favorite song long ago, and Slella felt as if it would elioko her. Hot" voieo shook so that Mrs. Boucher's guests thought their hostess had a good deal overpraised hor govrrnoss' stylo, anil a Miss Verney near by remarked to Sir llichard Fellowes that she did not ad mire that tremolo kind of manner so many girls aH'eeted. As she rose from the piano stool her oyos mot those of Sir llichard, who was standing tdosu to the piano. There was nothing beyond the most casual recognition in the slight bow on both sides, and Stella got away somehow to her own (ptarlors to find venj for tho passionate How of tears that overcame all her self ooutrol. Tho next day was to ho tho grand garden party. Miss Howard was sup posed to be unostentatiously in the background, dressed in her best, to keep a supervision over her little pupils. Ethel and Maud, wdd with delight, hastened her out to the tennis lawn long before any one could possibly bo ox peotod to "arrive. "Just one 1 ttlo game before the poo plo come to tho grounds, Miss Howard. You know wo may not play when all the grown up people aro here, and we do so want a little, tiny giuuo," begged the children. Miss Howard, mindful of her best cream gown and tho dillleulties of ten uis when combined with long gloves and plumed hat, vainly endeavored to escape. "Only a little scrap of play. Ah! you know you can't refuse," they said. And Stella was forced to laugh and ylold to their entreaties. S that was the picture that met tho eyes of the idle gentleman who satin tured down tho shrubbery path, among the fragrant syr ngas, and turned the corner of tho 'terrace stops a girl's ligure in a creamy gown, vivul in tho hot miii against the trees and shrubbery; a shade hat which throw into relief the crisp, bronze hair and the soft Hush on her cheek, a raequot poised aloft, and a tlutter of whlte-winged pigeons toward tho dark blue sky. He .stopped short, us if spellbound. "Oh, sir, lllchie, vou'ro just in time! Come along and haveagamu with Miss Howard do, do!" cried tho children. Stella turned with a violent start; tho racquet slipped from her gloved hand and struck her left wrist a vio lent blow. The pain turned hor fa nt and giddy and sho felt herself grow whdo to tho vory lips. "No, no, young woman.". she heard the roiott that was so like, yet so un like, the voice of other days say: "Miss Howard won't play with mu she never would." Then ho turned to her with a sudden change front the laugh ng tone: "Have you hurt your arm? I am afraid JL startled you;""nnd ho camo for ward hastily. , But Slelfa drew away as ho ap proached. "Nothing it is nothing; pray don't trouble me," she said, almost crossly. And as a stream of gayly dressed people emerged from the conservatory and began to spread themselves over tho tcrraco and approach the 'lawn Stella turned and tied into tho shrubbery. Sho had reached tho fountain by tho atnr.nn tit Hin i!nnninr f.-ilin Wnn. film was overtaken. "Pardon mo," said her pursuer, in a lono that was certainly not Dick's-it was too commanding. "I do not want to contradict you, but I can't beliovo it u ftntimirr " And in another moment tho little bruised wrist, from which ho had stripped the glove, was in Sir Richard's firm, light grasp, and Stella meekly surrendered. "Sit down here," was tho order, and she found herself placed on the mossy step of tho old fountain, whilo with quick, deft fingers Sir llichard dipped his handkcrcliief in the cool, clear water, and bound it round tho slender wrist. Could it be Dick? Was it not all a mocking dream? Stella could only hope with all her might that the awakoning might bo long delayed. The splash of water in tho old stone basin and tho mysterious whisper of tho pines overhead woro tho only sounds that broke the summer stillnoss. Tho tenuis was too far oil' for them to hear the merry players; they were quite alone. Did Dick remember tho last time they had boon alone together? He came and sat down on tho broken step by Iter side. 'fatella. do you shrink from mo still?. After all the years I havo been working mill tniliii'r to bn worthier of vnu. ani 1 no nearer tho goal than when wo last parted? Must 1 ask in vain, as I did then, for tho least little word?" ho said, slowly and gravely. Not a movement, not a sound from' tho shrinkinr liiruro at his side. His. faco grew graver still, and no bit his lip "Am I to co away again, then?" he asked, after a pause. Still no answer. With a sudden impulse, Sir llichard stooped and peered under tiio broad hat which hid her faco from him. "What! crying. Stella!" Ho was on his knees besido her on tho moss. "Havo I made you cry?" My darling! my own!" Ho was trying to take her In his arms, but sho struggled to frco her self. "Ah, Dick, I told you onco that our lives were poles apart; it was false then, but it has como true," ho mur mured, brokenly. "If it had, which I deny, tho rela tive positions would bo tho samo. lou aro, as you have always been, a world above mo in all thinirs Jsut lovo can brid'o anv jrulf. Stella. Won t you let n 17 ' t " mo try? It is my trado, vou Know." And then sho struggled no longer. "Dick," sho whispered, by and by, when conversation had had time to bo come a trillo less absorbing, "do you remember what you said that night at Churlstono? Yoti( told mo no xliji would ever love me as 3-011 had done. I didn't bulivo it then, but 1 know now that you were right." "Did I say that?" ho asked, laugh ing. "Well, yes, I was right, I dare say only I put it in the wrong tense. Wnit I should have said was not 'as 1 havo done,' hut 'as I do, and as I shall keep on doing as long as tho world shall last.' And that would have been truer st II, my guiding star; so let it stand like that in the future." And that point was settled without opposition onco and for always. Chi cago Xcwx. Fattening Swine. Mr. A. B. Allen, who foundod tho American Agriculturist nearly fifty years ago, and was for mauy years its editor, is now spending tho ovoning of his days 011 his farm near Toms lliver, N. J. As in early years, ho is devoting very much of his attention to stock rnisino-. mill In the November iiiimlr he gives thu following advico about j fattening swine. Swino should bo pushed forward now in mild weather as fast possiblo, as they will gain flesh much more rapid on tho same quantity of food than in freezing weather. During tho fattening process it lias boon found highly benelieial to feed a moderate quantity of pumpkins, for whon this is done they assist the digestion of tho gra n or meal given the swine, and enables them to more porfootly and economically turn it into Hush, thus saving a considerable per centage in tho consumption of food. Pumpkins, or, what aro richer and bettor, winter squashes, ought to bo grown especially lor this purpose by all swine keepers. Aside from this, they are exeellent for the store stock, as they will do well if fed alono 011 theso that is, provided they aro of a good, quiet breed. hen pumpkins aro not on hand a fow roots may bo given raw, of which beets and carrots aro better than pota-j toes, rutu-bugas, or common turnips. 1 Tho lust are very poor feed for this purpose, being better for cattle. Grass, and especially clover, is an ex cellent substitute for roots, so long as it remains green and growing in au tumn, but when turned out to this, the swine ought to have a warm shod, into which thoy can como when foil and to protect themsclvos from dew ami frost during the night as well as from storms. To make snnerior hams and bacon, corn should bo mixed with oats or bar ley, or perhaps ryo might answer, at the rate of one-half to a third of one of tho latter to the former, and ground thus togothor. Such feed increases tho proportion of tender, juicy, loan streak ing tho fat, which is essential to pro- orgy to tho supervision of their public duco a lino quality of hams and bacon. ! institutions, the succor and nursing of If fat pork for salting and barreling a community stricken with pestilence, alone Is wanted, then pure com, .whole the eHloient distribution of publio sub or groi'iid Into course meal, is the best soriptions. are above praiso. A careful feed, io ned with some pumpkin or study of transatlantic examples might roots, barley or rvc, as recommended put our own boasted lavishnuss to above, ' shame, liritish Quarterly lievtew. A Chat With My Boy. Sly dear boy, this is your 12th b'rth day, and to commemorate tho happy event I want to give you somo whole some advice. 1 havo observed that phjsically and mentally you arc ripening under the democratic inllucnces of a free school, and I w sh to encourage you in this at- j tcntion to study. If it were not for sttt diotisncss on the part of our boys this great country would bo destitute of a logislativo congress. Of course, I don't intend to say how much better it would 1 bo without a congress, for in that I SllOUld bo di'TCSSitlff. I concerning school. I havo no 'doubt that you can whip the teacher, should occasion demand, but don t do t- Content yourself with assuring the bovs of tho fact, and learn to let hi in I have his way. If. however, sometime you should bo determincu to tender him a chastisement, choose some boy whom you disliko and persuade him to do it; the result could not bo other than gratifying. lou aro now approaching a crisis in life. At your ago a boy begins to grow in love with himself, and at 18 he has what a cold, unfeeling world calls tho " g-hcad. I trust to you to bo rid of it before you aro 21, but if not. by that time it will havo become chronic, and yon will find that an unsympathetic public will, jit every opportunity, take occasion to punch it. At your time of life men, things and books are in league to take you through a systematic-course of lies. Some day you will think that homo and the old folks arc slow, and somo night, in the still watches, von will get up from a ! slecpKss pillow, tie a few clothes in a handkerchief and start out to see the world. Now, don't take tho clothes, and don't come back until you get a good look at that great old fraud you have been reading and dreaming about. 1 mention tho clothes because you will so muss them in your travels that your mother will havo them to wash when you como back. But 1 want you to go when you get ready I wouldn t give a copper for a boy who hadn't at some time taken it into his head to run away You havo often expressed the wish to he a man. but don't hurry old Father Tune. His knees aro shaky and his limbs aro rheumatic, but his gait is deceptive. Bo a boy as long as you can and when you aro a man don't let tho public sec tlfat you have forgotten all about it. Try to bo sensible, and, if anything conservative, but let man and boy call you plain Bill all your life. Havo a head of your own. If you don't believe that the sun is stationary and that the world turns, say so. You will bo respected, even whilo you are asked for your proof. Try to bear with the world, as you will bo obliged to loavo it pretty much as you found it. llcniembor it has been running along in tho same groove for, several thousand years, and that tho public would bo likely to discourage any uui'iupi at a i niiic.u ciiuugc. Yes, put up with it. my boy. Somo day when you are a man, and feel com pelled to Hog a boy of about your prcs entbnild, think it oyer, and if you have not found my advice to bo for tho best, you may conclude that your father was an ass. II. W. Field, in Detroit Free 1'rcss. Honest Scientists. The Charleston earthquako has caused the lending scientists of Europe to givo tho world tho full benefit of their studies in seismology. It will bo of interest to summarize tho views of theso exports. Tho sci entists agree on the following points: First. Tho causes of earthquakes aro not known. Second. No accurate prediction can bo made of their time, place and dura tion. Third. No connection has been traced between tho wcathor ami earth quakes. Volcanoes and earthquakes aro both duo to tho sumo general cause. Tho globe passes through periods of special volcanic activity, and theso periods range in duration from two to twenty years. We aro passing through such a period now, and it has already lasted six years. it is believed that there is an earth split under Charleston and the earth in ' that locality has been in slow motion for many years. It may bo ccnturios, however, before any sovero convulsion occurs. Perhaps tho most threatening spotin tlio country is in Wyoming territory. Tho geysers there will probably develop into active volcanoes, but tho change is no't likely to take placo for some hun dreds of years to come. 1 Our friends, tho scientists, havo not added to our stock of earthquako lore, but thev deserve our thanks all tho samo. It is something in these days to Hud men honest enough to admit that they know nothing. Atlanta Constitu tion. American Pauperism and Charity. No people are so tender, so gener ous, so lavish of active sympathy to ward tho sick, tho bereaved, and tho unfortunate. In states which, prob ably from an instinct under their oir cuihstances just and wise, refu.so to reQ ogni.o tho right to subsistence by a le gal provision for the poor whereby tho idle und vicious would chiolly bene fit nevertheless paupers by the visita tion of God, the aged and infirm, tho blind, the deaf and dumb, lunatics and idiots, aro amply provided for by public and private charity, with all that can alleviate their lot, or teach them, as far as possible, the moans of solf-do-1 Dondeuco. American charity toward ..... the tint vipI victims of groat natural catastro phe, far more common there than here, communities burned out by a for est lire or ruined by a Hood, . and yet more the personal sacrifices made, the readiness with which men and womon devote their leisure, thought and oil Fan About the Judge. 'Lias Bugson, tho hue of whose com plexion has gained for tho old man "tho nickname of Pitch, camo to the city somo time ago and called upon a law yer. "You want a divorce, I supposo," said the lawyer when 'Lias entered. ."Dat's it, sah, but how did ycr guess it?" "Well, there is such a rush for. di vorces that 1 thought you might be long to the crowd. "Thoy all como to me. Upon what grounds will you apply for a divorce?" "Portion." . "Desertion, eh?" Dat's it. Now, how much ycr gwino chargo me?" "1 won't bo hard on you. I'll take the case for ten dollars?" "An' not charge me nothin' lesson ycr git tho 'vorcu?" "Oh, I'll have to chargo vou any wav." 'Lias, after a moment's rcllection, replied: "I kain' go inter sich cr trade cz dat It's too bindin' on merse'f." "Aro you sure that you can prove de sertion?" "Js cz sho cz I is dat I's libln'." "Well, if I gain the case givo me ton dollars. If not, you needn't givo mo anything." " 'Pears like it's sorter too much on ycr own side yit. Now, lemtno tell ycr. Psc cr sort o' cr bizniz pusson, an' I'll 'grce ter dio fuck wid yer. Ef 1 prove 'zertion an' yer don doan git do 'vorcc, yer inns' gin mo five dollars, an' if yer docs git it, I'll gin yer ten. Mine, how, dat ef 1 kain' prubo do 'zertion, 1 doan claim nuthin'." "Willful desertion?'' "Yas. sah," "Well, I believe I'll tako that." "All right, sab, les pul de money up." Tho money was given to a stake holder, and "tho bill for divorco was filed. When the trial camo on, tho lawyer, whispering to his client, said: "You'd better make a statement, and then let tho witnesses bo introduced." "I doan b'lebu do witnesses is' o' any use." "Why?" "'Case dc cou't'll tako my word." The lawyer laughed. Tho negro was called upon to make a statement. "Genermen o' dis hear coti't", said ho, "I said dat dar wa'nt no use in wit nesses case do cou't would tako my word. Mr. Lawyer, I said dat I'd prubo 'zertion in dis case, didn't 1?" "Yes." "Uh huh, dat's what I said, an' I'll do it," "Introduco a witness," said tho judffc. "No use, jedge." "Why?" " 'Case I know dat I 'zerted do lady." g - " tun i tion. Er haw, haw, stakeholder, gin mo mer livo dollars." Tho judge, after hearing an oxplana nation of the arrangements, said: "Give him tho livo dollars." "Thankee, judge," said tho negro when ho had received tho money. "Thankee, sah. Yer sec, 1 wuz outer 'ployment, an' knowin' dat dis heah lawyer is alius airter niggers ter git 'voices, I thought I'd work him cr lit tle." "You didn't want a divorce, I sup pose," said the judge. "Bless yer soul, 110 sah. Dar ain't no nigger in de country dat's got er better lady den I has." "And you were merely playing with tho court?" "Dat's ail, sah. Er haw. haw! Oh. liar's or hcop cr fun er bout dis olo ni" ger." "Mr. Clerk," said tho judge, "enter up a lino of fifty dollars against Mr. 'Lias Bugson." "Good Lawd, jedge, whut fur?" "For playing with the court. "Oh," miniicing tho negro, "dar's or heap er fun er bout dis old jedge." Arknnsaiu Traveler. Horspls of Gastronomy. Canned turtle meat has como into general uso now for green turtle soup. Advanced epicures now hold that to cat jelly 011 game, savo quail, is a hor csy. Oysters fried in oil aro tho craze, and said to bo better that way than in any other. Frogs' legs aro usually high and there is what may bo called appropri ate kicking. Gamo increases in supply and grows better in quality as tho autumn das roll on. It is only the bravo and courageous people at hotels who over eat broad pudd.iiir. Boston lottuco has como to market again, the "white heart" to tho delight of salad-caters. Several new wrinkles in cuisino are traced to Sherry a Lenox and tho ca terer at Tuxedo. Now is tho timo when tho gastro nomic sportsman goes hunting, llko Dixey, for Welsh rarebits. Hod popper on sardines is tho latest gastronomio "fad," and is supposed to tako the placo of lemon. In Washington, noxt winter, tho prico of terrapin will bo contingent up on Mr. Whitney's receptions. Colery and cranberries havo como, and tho gobble gobblo of tho turkey is heard in tho Thanksgiving land. Caterers and hotel stewards say six out of ten people nowadays insist up on having cheoso with tho r plo. Modern sandwiches have all tho crust of tho broad cut oil", and aro shaped in every way but tho old Now England pattern. It is "Maryland, qnito Maryland," to eat thick slices of fried hominy witli duck, no matter of what qaaekiug va riety. Our Italian folio w-oitizons aro quite hilarious over the advico given in tho daily papers as to the best way to cook macaroni. An old gastronomio talo In a now gown is that about tho Yalo professor who is uooused of buttering bis watur imdon for dinner. .Vote York Mail and Biurets, Ho Was One and AIL Whilo the train watted at .1 small station in Missouri, I called aj tho office of tho local paper and was met at the door by a tall man who woro a swarthy shirt and a fiat made during the 99th Olympiad. "Where is the editor?" I asked. "I'm tho editor." "Ah! Then, will you show mo your oflice? I also am a journalist." "Well, pilgrim," thoro isn't much to show, unless you aro fond of gazing at an old hand press that wheezes like it had the asthma when 1 run it, and punches holes through tho paper in tho vain attempt to do printing.' "Where is the largo and efficient corps of assistants? ' "Haven't any. The only assistant I ever had, worked a week, and is now suoing 1110 for his wages." "Have you no reporter?" "Certainly not. There is nothing to report around here. Onco there wa3 a dog fight, but it happened away in the dim, dead past, and has been written up eo often that when I touch the subject, the village soxton .rings the church-bell to warn mo that it is a chestnut." "Who operates your hand-press?" "1 do. 1 had a boy to do it onco, but when ho heard tho harsh, un natural moaning of tfio machine, ho laughed in a weird way and went out a drivell, ng maniac." "Who solicits advertisements for you?" "Nobody. People don't advertiso hero. 1 carry three patent medicine ads., however. One is for a cough syrup, another for a liqu.d glue, and. olio for a liver pad. They pay in mer chandise. 1 have three cords of liver pads in tho back yard, and I livo on cough syrup. 1 am trading tho liquid glue to a furniture dealer, to pay my funeral expenses when this poor, lisp ing, stammering tongue is planted in tho grave. If you feel chilly you can go out and strap a fow pads about you, and you aro welcome." "Do you do job printing?" "No; there isn't any to do. I print ed a horse bill for a man once, with a cut of the horse in the center, but when it saw tho bill it foil to tho ground a corpse, and tho owner wouldn't pay me." "Havo you many subscribers?" "Yes, but thoy never pay anything. One farmer brought mo a dozen eggs last week, but they were of tho coinage of 1832, and thepcrfumery that was stored in them gave mo the catarrh." "Who is your office boy?" "I am. When I get through mould ing public opinion, and d scussing tho pertinent top.es of tho day, 1 sweep out tho office and go round delivering tho paper to subscribers. After that! engage in a hand-to-hand conflict with the press for another week's issue, anil when my weary form sinks beneath it's load of toil and care, I go down cellar and refresh myself with a draught of cough syrup. It is a sad life, stranger, and if you have a job worth six dollars a week hoeing corn, I adviso you to stick to it." I'hc H7u. Short Essay on Locks. Since tho timo when primoval man possessed something worth stealing there have been locks. Adam had to lock up his hen-roost as soon as ho had any neighbors, and Evo-11 boforo that day was ho not locked out of tho Garden of Eden? The lock is a perpetual omblom of man's inherent dishonesty, for if ho was never seized witli a desire to possess that which did not bulong to him thoro would bo no locks. Thoir origin is coexistant with tho possession of property. There have boon nations without a knowledge of locks, but thoy had nothing worth carrying off. Among the most noted locks in Bible times were tho locks of Absoloin, but us ho was hanged on account of them they must have been a fraud. Defeat ed by the enemy ho bolted, but tho bolt didn't savo him. Very celebrated, too, woro Sampson's locks, indicating great strength, but they were picked one day by an export female safe blower, named Delilah, to whom Sampson, in a moment of weak ness, had revealed tho combinat on. Tho earliest lock of which tho con struction is known is th Egyptian, which was in use 4.000 years ago. As tho key to it is in hieroglyphics wc can not givo it bore. Nor can wo stato tho prico of an Egyptian lock, but tho high er tho lock tlio'hiorogl . phic, of course. Tho Chinese lock is a verys mplo affiiir. It is a singlo lock allowed to grow long and hang down the back. It is called a pigtail. Bank locks used to bo considered bur glar proof as a rule, but what is urgent ly demanded now is a bank look that will keep tho president or cashier from stealing. There is many a celebrated loch in Scotland, whilo" in England thoy havo Loeko on tho Understanding, which will probably prevent many English men from comprehending tho full pur pose ami scope of this essay. Texas Siftings. . Tho Jloro Eligible Man. Two men wero discussing tho avail abilities of their favorites for chaplaiu of tho Arkansaw houso of representa tives. "My preacher is entitled to tho place,." said ono man. "Ho was a brave soldier iu tho Confederate army and" "That's nothing," tho othor broko in, "mino was in both armies." "That's all very well, but you soo mine is blind in ono eyo and therefore needs tho place." Mino is blind in both oyos." "Yos, but you seo mino is deaf." "That's nothing, mino is deaf and dumb." "Woll, now, since you bogin to talk about fitness for tho position, let me tell you that my candidate is deaf, dumb and parahzed." "That amouuts to nothing. Mino is doaf, dumb, paralyzed, has a bad cold and is iu debt; sutlers from a loss of memory ami can't cat anything. Don't talk to mo for I have the most eligible man In the race." A rkansam Traveler.