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About The Oregon scout. (Union, Union County, Or.) 188?-1918 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 2, 1886)
MRS. BULLFROG. Br NATHANIKL ltA"VTIIOUNK. It makes mo melancholy to sec how like fools some very sensible people act in the matter of choosing wives. They perplex their judgments by a most un due attention to littlo niceties of per sonal appearance, habits, disposition, and other trifles which concern nobody but the lady herself. An unhappy gen tleman, resolving to wed nothing short of perfection, keeps his heart and hand till both get so old and with ered that no tolerable woman will accept them. Now, this is the very height of absurdity. A kind Providence has so skillfully adapted sex to sex and the mass of individuals to each other, that, with certain obvious exceptions, any male and female may bo moderate ly happy in the married slate. The truo rulo is, to ascertain that the match is fundamentally a. good onc.and then take it for granted that all minor objections, should their be such, will vanish if you let them alone. Only put yourself beyond hazard as to the real basis of matrimonial bliss, and it is (scarcely to be imagined what miracles, in the way of recognizing smaller in congruities, connubial love will ell'ect. For my own part, I freely confess that, in my bachelorship, 1 was pre cisely such an over-curious simpleton as I now adviso the reader not to be. My early habits had gifted mo with a feminine sensibility and too exquisite refinement I was the accomplished graduato of a dry goods store, where, by dint of ministering to tho whims of lino ladies, and suiting silken hoso to delicate limbs, and handling satins, ribbons, chintzes, calicoes, tapes, gauze, and cambric needles, I grew up a very lady-liko sort of a gentleman. It is not assuming too much to allirm that the ladies themselves wero hardly so lady-liko as Thomas Hullfrog. So pain fully acute was my sense of female im perfection, and such varied excellence did I require in tho woman whom I could love, that there was an awful risk of my getting no wife at all. or of being driven to perpotrato matrimony with my own imago in tho looking glass. Besides the fundamental prin ciple already hinted at, I demanded tho fresh bloom of youth, pearly teeth, glossy ringlets, and tho whole list of lovely items, with the utmost delicacy of habits and sentiments, a silken tex ture of mind, and, abovo all, the virgin licart. In a word, if a young angel Just from Paradise, yet dressed in earth ly fashion, had come and ofl'ercd mo her hand, it is by no means certain that I hould havo takon it There was every chance of my becoming a most miser able old bachelor, when, by tho best luck in the world, I mado a journey into another state, and was smitten by, and smote again, and wooed, won and married tho present Mrs. Hullfrog, all in tho space of a fort nigth. Owing to theso cxtemporo measures, I not only gavo my bride eredit for certain per fections which havo not as yet como to light, but also overlooked a few trifling defects, which, howover, glimmered on my perception long before, tho eloso of the honeymoon. Yet, as thorn was no mistake about tho fundamental princi ple aforesaid, 1 soon learned, as will bo Been, to estimate Mrs. Bullfrog's de ficiencies and superfluities at exactly their proper value. Tho same morning that Mrs. Bullfrog and I eamo together as a unit, wo took two seats in the stago-coaeh and began our journey towards my place of busi ness. There being no other passengers, Wo wero as much alono and as free to give vent to our raptures as if 1 had hired a hack for the matrimonial jaunt. My brido looked charmingly in a green Bilk calash and riding-habit of pelisso tloth; and, whenever her red lips parted with a smilo, each tooth appeared like tin inestimable pearl. Such was my passionate warmth that wo had rattled out of tho village, gontlo reader, and wore as lonely as Adam and Eve in Taradiso I pleaded guilty to no less freedom than a kiss. Tho gcntlo oyo of Mrs. Bullfrog Bcarcoly rebuked mo for tho profanation. Emboldened by her indulgence, I throwback the calash from her polished brow, and suflored my fingers, whito and delicate as her own, to stray among those dark and glossy curls which realized my day dreams of rich hair. "My love," Bald Mrs. Bullfrog, ten derly, "you will disarrange my curls." "0 no, my swoot Laura!" replied I, till playing with tho glossy ringlet. 'Even your fair hand could not manage u curl more dolicatoly than mine. I proposo myself tho ploasuro of doing tip your hair In papers overy evening at tho same tlmo with njy own." "Mr. Bullfrog," repeated she, "you must not disarrange my curls." This was spoken in a mora decided tone than I had happoncd to hear, until then, from my gentlest of all gentle brides. At tho eamo tlmo sho put up her hand and took rulno prisoner; but merely drew It away from tho forbidden ringlet, and then immediately released it. Now, I am a figoty little man, and always lovo to havo something in my fingers; bo that, being debarred from my wifo'a curls, I looked about me for any other plaything. On tho front seat of (he ooach thero was ono of those email baskets in which traveling ladies who arc too del lea to to appear at a public table generally carry a supply of gingerbread, klscuiU and cheese, ookl ham, and other light refreshments, merely to sustain nature to the jour ney's end. Such airy diet will some times keep them in pretty good flesh for a week together. Laying hold of this same little basket, I thrust my hand under tho newspaper with which it was carefully covered. "What's this, my dcarP" cried I; for tho black neck of a bottle popped out of the basket. "A bottle of Kalydor, Mr. Bullfrog," said my wife, coolly taking the basket from my hands and replacing it on the front seat There was no possibility of doubting my wife's word; but I never knew a genuine Kalydor, such as I use for my own complexion, to smell so much like cherry-brand'. I was about to express my fears that tho lotion would injure her skin, when an accident occurred which threatened moro than a skin deep injury. Our Jehu had carelessly driven over a heap of gravel and fairly capsized the coach, with the wheels in the air and our heels where our heads should havo been. What became of my wits I cannot imagine; they havo al ways had a pcrservo trick of deserting mo just when they wero most needed; but so it chanced, that in the confusion of our over-throw I quito forgot that thero was a Mrs. Bullfrog in tho world. Like many men's wives, the good lady served her husband as a stepping-stone. I had scrambled out of tho eoacli and was instinctively settling my cravat, when somebody brushed roughly by me, and I heard a smart thwack upon tho coachman's car. "Take that, you villian!" cried a strange, coarse voice. "You havo ruin ed me, you blackguard! 1 shall never bo tho woman I havo been!" And then eamo a second thwack.aim ing at t ho driver's other ear; but which missed it, and hit him on tho nose, caus ing a tcrriblo effusion of blood. Now, who or what fearful apparition was in flicting this punishment on tho poor fellow remained an impenetrable mys tery to mo. Tho blows wero given by a person of grisly aspect, with a head almost bald, and sunken cheeks, appar ently of tho feminino gender, though hardly to bo classed in the gentler sex. Thero being no tcetli to modulate tho voice, it had a mumbled fierceness, not passionate, but stern, which absolutely mado mo quiver like a calf's foot jelly. Who could tho phantom boP Tho most awful circumstance of the afl'air in yet to bo told, for this orge, or whatever it was, had a riding-habit like Mrs. Bull frog's, and also a green silk calash dangling down her back by the strings. In my terror and turmoil of mind I could imagine nothing less than that tho Old Nick, at tho moment of our overturn, had annihilated my wife and jumped into her petticoats. This idea seemed tho moro probable, since I could nowhere perceive Mrs. Bullfrog alive, nor, though I looked very sharply about tho coach, could 1 detect any traces of that beloved woman's lody. There would have been a comfort in giving her Christian burial. "Come, sir, bestir yourself! Help this rascal to set up tho coach," said tho hob-goblin to mo; then, with a territio screech to tho three countrymen at a distance, "Nero, you fellows, ain't you ashamed to stand oil' when a poor wo man is in distress?" Tho countrymen, instead of fleeing for their lives, came running at full speed, and laid hold of tho topsy-turvy coach. 1, also, though a small-sized man, went to work like a son of Anak. Tho coachman, too, with tho blood still streaming from his nose, tugged and toiled most manfully, dreading, doubt less, that tho next blow might break his head. And yet, bemauled as tho poor fellow had been, ho seemed to glance at mo with an eye of pity, as if my easo wero moro deplorable than his. But 1 cherished a hope that all would turn out a dream, and seized tho oppor tunity, as wo raised tho coach, to jam two of my lingers under tho wheel, trusting that tho pain would awaken mo. "Why, hero wo are, all to rights again!" exclaimed a sweet voice behind. "Thank you for your assistenee, gentle men. My dear Mr. Bullfrog, how you perspire! Do let mo wipe your face. )on't take this littlo accident too much to heart, good driver. Wo ought to bo thankful that none of our necks aro broken." "Wo might havo spared ono neck out of tho three," muttered the driver, rubbing his ear and pulling his nose, to ascertain whether ho had boon culled or not. "Why, tho woman's a witch." 1 fear that tho reader will not believe, yet it Is positively a fact, that thero stood Mrs. Bullfrog, with her glossy ringlets curling on her brow, and two rows of Orient pearl gleaming betweon her parted lips, which wore a most an gello smile. Sho had regained her riding habit and calash from tho grisly phan tom, and was, in all respects, the lovely woman who had been sitting by my side at tho Instant of our overturn. How sho luul happened to disappear, and who had supplied her placo, and whence she did now return, were problems too knot ty for mo to solve. Thero stood my wife. That was tho ono thing certain among a heap of mysteries. Nothing remained but to help her into the coach, and plod on, through tho jour noy of tho day and tho journey of life, as comfortably as wo could. As tho driver closed tho door upon us, I heard him whisper to the three coun trymen, "How do you suppose a fellow fuels shut np in a cage with a she-tiger?" Of course this qucrry could have no reference to my situation. Yet, unrea sonable as it may appear, I confess that my feelings wero not altogether so ec static as when I first called Mrs. Bull frog mine. True, sho was a sweet woman and an angel of a wife; but what if a Gorgon should return, amid tho transports of our connubial, bliss, and take tho angel's place. I recol lected the talc of a fairy, who half tho time was n beautiful woman and half the time a hideous monster. Had I taken that very fairy to be the wife of my bosom? Wliilo such whims and chimeras were flitting across my fancy I bemin to look askance at Mrs. Bull frog, almost expecting that tho trans formation would bo wrought before my eyes. To divert my mind, I took' np the newspaper which had covered the little basket of refreshments, and which now lay at tho bottom of tho coach, blush ing with a deep-red slain and omitting a potent spirituous fume from the con tents of the broken bottle of Kalydor. The paper was two or three years old, but contained an article of several col umns, in which I soon grew wonder fully interested. It was the report of si trial for breach of promise of marriage, giving tho testimony in full, with fer vid extracts from both the gentleman's and lady's amatory correspondence. The deserted damsel had personally ap peared in court, and had borne encr gctiu evidence to her lover's perfidy and tho strength of her blighted afl'ections. On tho defendant's part there had been an attempt, though insulllcicntly sus tained, to blast tho plaintifl's character, and a plea, in mitigation of damages, on account of her unamiablo temper. A horrible idea was suggested by tho lady's name. "Madam," said I, holding the news paper beforo Mrs. Bullfrog's eyesand, though a small, delicate and thin-vis-aged man, I feel assured that I looked very .terrific "madam," repeated I, through my shut teeth, "were you the plaintifl'in this cause?" "O, my dear Mr. Bullfrog," replied my wife, sweetly, "I thought all tho world knew that!" "Horror! horror!" exclaimed I, sink ing back on the scat. Covering my face with both hands, I emitted a deep and death-like groan, as if my tormented soul were rending mo asunder I, the most exquisitely fastid ious of men, and whoso wife was to have been tho most delicate and refined of women, with all the fresh dowdrops glittering on her virgin rosebud of a heart! 1 thought of the glossy ringlets and pearly teeth; 1 thought of tho Kalydor; 1 thought of the coachman's bruised car and bloody nose; 1 thought of tho tender love-secrets which sho had whis pered to tho judge and jury, and a thou sand tittering auditors and gave an other groan! "Mr. Bullfrog," said my wife. As I mado no reply, she gently took my hands within her own, removed them from my lace, and fixed her eyes steadfastly on mine. "Mr. Bullfrog," said she, not unkind ly, yet with all tho decision of her strong character, "let me advise you to ovorcomo this foolish weakness, and prove yourself, to the best of your abil ity, as good a husband ns I will bo a wife. You havo discovered, perhaps, some little imperfections in your bride. Well, what did you expect? Women aro not angels. If they were, they would go to heaven for husbands; or, at least, bo more dillleult in their choice on earth." "But why conceal thoso imperfec tions?" interposed I, tremulously. "Now, my love, aro not you a most unreasonable littlo man?" said Mrs. Bullfrog, patting me on tho cheek. Ought a woman to disclose her frailties earlier than her wedding day? Few husbands, 1 assure you, make the dis covery in such good season, and still fewer complain that these trifles aro concealed too long. Well, what a strange man you are! Poh! you aro joking." "But tho suit for breach of promise!" groaned I. "Ah, and is that tho rub?" exclaimed my wife. "Is it possible that you view that afl'air in an objectionable light? Mr. Bullfrog, I never could havo dreamed it! Is it an objection that I havo triumphantly defended myself against slander and vindicated my pur ity in a court of justice? Or do you complain because your wife has shown tho propor spirit of a woman, and pun ished tho villain who trilled with her af fections?" "But," persisted I, shrinking into a corner of tho coach, however; for I did not know precisely how much contra diction tho proper spirit of a woman would endure "but, my love, would it not havo been moro dignified to treat the villain with tho silent contempt he merited?" "That is all very well, Mr. Bullfrog," said my wife, slyly, "but, In that ease, where would have been tho five thou sand dollars which aro to stock your dry-goods store?" "Mrs. Bullfrog, upon your honor," demanded I, as if my life hung upon her words, "Is thero no mistake about those five thousand dollars?" "Upon my word and honor thero la none," replied she. "Tho jury gave mo every cent tho rascal had; and I have kept It all for. my dear Bullfrog." "Thl'u, thou dettr woman," cried 1, (with nn overwhelming gust of tender ness, "let me fold thee to my heart i The basis of matrimonial bliss is secure, and all thy little defects and frailties are forgiven. Nay, since tho result has been so fortunate, I rejoice at the wrongs which drove thee to this blessed lawsuit. Happy Bullfrog th&t lam." Sad, But Can't be Helped. A certain ring of half a dozen mn have for tho past year been in tho habit of mooting at a certain Detroit drug storo every evening to tell stories and indulge in gossip, and the way they have hung on each time has been n ter rible trial to tho druggist Tho other day, after a severe struggle with himself, he tackled one of tho coterie about it, explaining: "Of course I don't want to hurt your feelings, but seems to mo you could break up an hour earlier." "Oli, no ofl'enso whatever," was the reply, "but I'll toll you what tho troub le is. If we could all go out together it would be all right, but if one gets up and starts oil' tho rest all talk about him." "How?" "Well, if the Colonel goes out, tho door hardly closes on him before some body remarks that it is curious how lie got his title as ho was in Canada all through the war. If tho Judge follows him sonic ono sa3's ho doesn't know any more about law than a hog does of play ing tho piano. If 1 go out, somo ono hints that I had to leave Indiana for setting my grocery on fire, and so it goes. You see how embarrassing it is?" "I'll fix itaftcrthis," replied the drug gist after a littlo reflection, and that night, as 10 o'clock struck, a boy came in and announced a big fire down town. The gang went out in a body, and al though the report was false not ono re turned. Tho next night the boy an nounced an accident around the corner, and the next ho had a stabbing afl'air near by. The gang soon tumbled to tho racket, and now, as tho clock strikes 10, every man rises to his feet and they go out together. This places all on an equal footing, and thero is only ono sad thought connected with the scheme. It is that the druggist and his clerk, who must perforce be left behind, will slan der and abuse the whole gang as soon as their backs aro turned. Free Ffcss. Where is Mr. Barnum Now? A baby mermaid is on exhibition in Edward W. Thomas's store at the cor ner of West and Gi fiord streets. It is the property of William A. Lawrence, who lives at No. -10 Sabine street, and is the male of the one recently sold to Cornell University for $150. In ap pearance it has absolutely nothing in common with the fabled beings of pagan antiquity. The flesh has been dried to the bones, and tho wings, intended by nature as a covering and protection for tho body, are folded back, the head pieco standing up very prominently. Tho mouth is large and partly open, showing two rows of sharply pointed whito teeth. Tho expression of the face, which bears a faint suggestion of resemblance to the similar featuro in tho human anatomy, is vicious and al most ferocious. The legs are long, slender and furnished at tho extremities with web-like formations that in their dried condition aro not unliko a doll's feet. The length of the creature from tho head to tho tip of the tail is about sixteen inches. Syracuse Herald. An Elfin Song. Over the sunny meadow,. ' Down through the pinning plner, Where inoi-seh tire clasped In fchailows, Anil only the mica shines O sweet are the woodland alters", And bright arc the greenwood ways, With their feet In the sparkling waters, And their foreheads crowned with bays I 'TIs tho time when the sunset tinges The last of the daytime hours, And the bank Is hung with fringes Of pluk azalea flowers. TIs lute In the misty dim light, And up to the amber stars, The furies nrc floating out of sight Over tho deodars. And the Kit queen comes from the hillside Under the light of the moon, Where tho jasper doorways ojteti wide At the sound of the silver shoou. She sings down the woodland space All under the dog-wood spray, Where the violets hide their faces Aud thluk of the rose-draped May. There where the laurels quiver, Where lovers meet and part, She dreams of the cllln river And sleeps on tho lily's heart. A( Courthimi, in .St Louis Magaiint. An Expert Counterfeiter. J. L. Dye, tho counterfeit dotector, has In his possession two of tho most unique counterfeits that havo obtained circulation since Hill made himself fam ous in St. Louis by cutting bills in such a manner that ho mado ten bills where he luul had but nine. This new genius is an expert in the use of tho pen, and all tho stock and tools he needs for the work aro pons, magnifier and paper of the propor texture. Ho then creates tho bill, not using any printing machinery whatever. Tho bills Mr. Dyo luis aro a $10 and a $20, both of them being exe cuted with such perfection as to detail that were it uot for somo of tho slightest irregularities and tho fact tho bill blurs when moistened, detection would uot bo possible. Tho Secret Service people have not been able to find tho maker, as he shoves his own bills in such localities that the bill Is not subjected to tho ex perts. St. Louis Qiobi'lkmocraU THE Union Milling Co.'s I'AKES THE LEAD Wherevir It has been tried. For Sale by nil tlio Leading Denier Everywhere. Oko. WnioiiT, W. T. Wnusirr, President. Cashier. FIRST NATIONAL BANK OK UNION, : : : OREGON. Does a General Hanking Business. Rays and Hells exchange, and discounts com mercial paper. Collections carefully attended to, and promptly reported. COMMERCIAL Livery ai M Silo. Oi'i'osm: Ci:nti:.nmai, IIoti:i.. JOHN S. ELIOTT, - PROPRIETOR. Having furnished this old and popular hostelry with ample room, plenty of feed, ;ood hostlers and new buggies, is better prepared than ever to accommodate- cus tomers. My terms aro reasonable. GOVE TANNERY. ADAM CliOSSMA.V, PltOIMIlETOK. Ilns now on hand and for sale the best of HARNESS, LADIGO, UPPER and LACK LEATHER. SHEEP SKIN'S, ETC. ioit'rr,Aivi iicici:s Paid for Hides and Pelts. WALLA WALLA BEER DEPOT. Corner Main and A Streets, Union. E. MILLER, - - - Proprietor. Keeps always on hand the finest brands of WINES, LIQUORS, and CIGARS. The very best Lager and Hock Uecr in the market, at 125 cents aquart. Reer and lunch ild cents. A tine billiard table for the accommoda tion of customers. Drop in and be hocia ble. RAILROAD FEED AND LIVERY STABLE Xenr tho Court House. A. F. Rk.nso.v, - - Pnoi'HiKTOit. Union, Oregon, Fino turnouts and flrst-clnss rigs for the accommodation of tho public generally. Conveyances for commercial men a, spe cialty. S3The accommodations for feed cannot be excelled in tho valley. Terms reasonable. BLUE MOUNTAIN- Brewery ai Beer Hall. Main Street, Union, Oregon. IlK.NltY StIUKKU, - - PlIOI'lllKTOIt. 5tOrders from nny part or tho valley will receive prompt attention. I have on hand somo very line ROCK REER. Drop In and sample it. NORTH POWDER Restaurant. PONY STEVENS. PROP. The traveling public will please take no tice that, in addition to iny Miioon in North Powder, 1 havo opened n tlrst-clnss RESTAURANT, and respectfully solicit a Intro of the public patronage. The tables ill always bo supplied with tho REST THE MARKET AFFORDS, and no pains will bo spared to make my patrons comfortable. Call on mo, eat, drink and bo happy. TonsorialJRooms Two doors south of Jones Rros.' store, Union, Oregon. J. M. Johnson', Pitoj'itiKToit. Hair cutting, shaving and shampooing done neatly and in tho best style. CITY v 1AT v MARKET Main Street, Union, Oregon. RoillNS it Rk.NSOX, PllOl'ltlKTOItg. Keep constantly on hand REEF, PORK, VEAL. MUTTON, SAU SAGE, HAMS, LARD, ETC. CENTENNIAL :- HOTEL. Union, Oregon. Din. F. Mooiik, - Piioi'kietok. A well stocked bar in connection with the house, and none but tho best brands of liquorVjuubcijrurK kept. LARUE SAMPLE ROOMS tor the ac commodation of commercial truveltn. IIOWLAND & LLOYD, Manufacturers of FURNSTURE, Mniu Street, Union, Ore. Keep constantly on hand a largo supply of Pnrlor and Red Room sets, Redding, Desks, Ofllce Furniture, etc. Upholstering Done In the Ifext Stylo Lounges, Mnttresses. nnd all kinds of Furniture mado to order. PATRONAGE SOLICITED. PHOTOGRAPH GALLERY! Corner Main nnd C Streets, Union. All kinds of photographic work done in a superior manner, and according to tho latest and most approved methods. Views o residcnc3s toton 011 appli cation. JJB-AU work warranted to give satisfac tion. JONES RRO'S, Props. f" can savo From $50 to $1C0 on tho X OuL iu rctiuto of an instrument by buyliiff through W.T. WKlfniT, Agent. Union, Ogn Buy the 3 lay ward HAND GRENADE Fire Extinguisher. Everybody should havo them. Men, women or children enn uso thorn. Thou sands of dollars worth of property saved every day. They don't freeze, aro not in jurious to llcsh or fabric, and aro always ready. You cannot afford to bo without them. G. J. Recht, Gen. Agent, 12-1 Market St., San Francisco, Cal. Cook it Dwight, Agts., La Grande, Oregon. D. B. REES, Notary Public AND Conveyancer. OFFICE State Land Ollico building, Union, Union County, Oregon. SMOKE OUR "PUNCH" Rest Havana Filled 5 Five Cent Cigar. 5 Jones Bros., agents, Union. E. GOLLINSKY & CO. SMOKE THE "ESTRELLA" KEY WEST Imported Havana Cigar. NONE BETTER. JONES BRO S, Corner of Main and B streets, Union. Dealers in GROCERIES, CANNED OOODS, VARIETY AND FANCY GOODS, TOBACCO ! AND . VIOAllS KNTS FIIIINISIIINC GOODS. WATCHES, CLOCKS, and 'JEWELRY, Glassware, Musical Instruments, Picturt Frames and Pictures, Moulding, Rird Cm-f., Ituby Cur riagce, et., Candies and Nuts, Stationary, School Rooks, Periodicals, Novels, etc., of overy description. ALL KINDS OF FRESH FRUITS Always on hand. We keep constautly on hand everythiu usually kept in a first clot variety store. ft.Orders from any part of thcountrj will be promptly attomWd to. MAS ON y. ..-g. 111181111 Organs tfp"' '