r CONDENSED STORIES;
ftjcampl of the Km if Wit of tha Lata
William M. Evarta.
The Hon. William M. Evarts, sec
retary of state during , President
Eaves' . 'administration, was cele
brated not only as a statesman and
a lawyer, but also as a great wit.
Ob one occasion he was at a large
tag dinner given by Bdward Potter
in New York. The five Potter broth
en were among the numerous din-
ber guests.
Toward the end of the dinner
Mr. ' Evarts was called on for a
ipeech, to which he responded :
. "As I look around this table I am
reminded of a story of a young Pres-
EVARTS GAZES AT THIS KUDDT WATBBS.
byterian divine, recently licensed to
preach, who was holding his first
service.
"In leading the first prayer the
nervous young clergyman began:
" 'We thank thee, O Lord' He
stopped, cleared his throat and then
went on:
" 'We thank thee, 0 Lord'
"Again he paused and then in
desperation said:
'"We thank thee, 0 Lord, that
thou art the clay and we are the
Potters!"'
The guests were convulsed, and
his speech was an instantaneous
hit, rlthou ,jh none but Mr. Evarts
would Lave dared to do it.
On one of his trips abroad Mr.
Evarts landed at Liverpool. The
steamer was proceeding slowly up
the river to the wharf, and Mr.
Evarts was standing on deck look
ing meditatively at the muddy wa
ters of the Mersey.
Suddenly he turned to his com
panion and, with a quizzical gleam
in his eye, said:
"Evidently 'the quality of Mercy
is not strained.'" Washington
Post.
Tha Miraga of Marriage.
Miss Marie Cahill chose the
chorus girls for her new play, "Mar
rying Mary," by measurement. The
Bertillon system was employed.
"By this excellent system of
measurement," said Miss Cahill the
other day, "one gets in a chorus
girl the real thing. Mirage is avoid
ed. You know what a mirage is?
Quite sure? Well, at any rate, I'll
point out its meaning to you with a
story :
"A boy looked np from his book
one night.
"'Father, he said, 'what is a
mirage?'
"The father answered glibly from
behind his paper:
" 'The union of a man and wom
an till death or the law them do
part.'
" 'But,' said the boy, 'that's mar
riage, ain't it ?
'"Same thing, sonny; it's- the
same thing replied the father. 'A
man imagines he sees wonders and
delights where there is nothing.
Fight shy of 'em both, my boy.' "
On the Links.
Eben M. Byers, Pittsburg's fa
mous golfer, was talking at a dinner
about dawdling players.
"Nothing is more vexatious," Mr.
Byers said, "than to follow one of
these dawdlers over a course. They
all should be served as a bow legged
chap was the other day.
"lie was playing at Englewood.
Ilis play was as slow as it was poor.
Setting his warped legs wide apart,
he would miss the easiest ball three
or four times hand running. He
was retarding half a dozen good,
'brisk players, but this he didn't
seem to mind at all.
"Finally one man, having drawn
very near, lost patience and with a
neat shot sent his ball flying direct
ly between the slow player's bow
legs. "The slow player jumped back in
neat fright Then be yelletf an-
"Say, do you call that golf P '
"No Mid the other, "but I call
H pretty ti croqaet,''
Hi FOR ,THE UTTLE ONES. ;
Matching Colors to an Amusing Gin
I' For Small Folka. -; ' ;
iFor thia game each guest is pre
sented with a wee strip of bebe xib
bpq,, each of a diffe rent 16r, and
instructed that it is to be bis color.
A: curtain or sheet n suspended in
the space between iolding doors as
if for a donkey contest. -
Ob the sheet are painted circles
or squares of the various colors
worn whi$h distinguish the little
, guests, f Each child is then jjiven a
'rosette of his or her own color,"
which he or -she is required, to pin
upon the appropriate spot on the
curtain. - '.''
The feat is, of course, performed
after being blindfolded. All chil
dren who succeed in pinning the
ribbons on spots of the same color
are allowed to draw for the prizes
given at the conclusion of the game.
Should none succeed wholly those
coming nearest to it can draw.
How Crows Open Clams.
"Caw, caw, caw!" called Mr.
Crow from his nest in the high
"What is that?" asked Abner a3
he and papa were strolling along
the edge of the. woods near the sea
shore. "If s a crow," answered papa,
pointing to the tree where perched
the great black bird. "Look! There
are some more crows on the flats!
Be quiet, and we will watch them."
"It looks very much as if they
were digging clams in the same way
the fishermen do," observed Abner.
"I believe that is just what they
are doing," answered papa, some
what surprised. "Just watch."
The crows dug the clams. Then
each would take one in his bill and
fly to the" shore, where there was a
ledge, letting it fall and thus break
ing the shell. Then he would fly
down, pick up the clam and eat it.
"Bather a novel way of opening
clams," observed papa.
A Pig Book.
If you would like to have a per
fect treasure house of amusement
to show to your friends get up a
"pig book." But what in the world
is a pig book? Get a book made up
of forty or fifty pages of blank pa
per, and then ask forty or fifty
different persons each to draw, with
his or her eyes shut, a picture of a
pig on one of the pages. The ama
teur artist will probably succeed
pretty well until he comes to put
ting on the pig's tail. That ap
pendage is sometimes drawn in the
most impossible place, and the re
sult is very amusing. You have no
conception of the fun you may have
out of a pig book until you get
one. Try it. Chicago News.
Reviving a Tired Honeybee.
The honeybee is proverbially in
dustrious. When everything goes
well with it no form of animal life
has more vigor, works more zealous
ly or defends its home more brave
ly. But the bee soon loses its ac
tivity when separated from its home
so that it cannot return, as, for ex
ample, when it gets into a room
and fails to find its way out. Cold
rain or lack of food also soon puts it
into a feeble or exhausted condition,
making it appear as if it were dis
couraged. But nearly all of its usual
activity may be restored by a little
sugar or honey. St. Nicholas. "
Riddles.
Why is an author the most won
derful animal in the world ? Be
cause his tail (tale) comes out of his
head.
Why was Bulwer more likely to
get tired of novel writing than
Warren? Because Bulwer wrote
"Night and Morning." Warren
wrote only "Now and Then."
When is it a good thing to lose
your temper? When it is a bad
one.
Sammy Tan-kee.
Be -was a queer little Chtn-ee.
He wore a long cue down his back.
His name was Sammy Tan-kee,
And his shirt bung loose like a sack.
His pana did wash-ee-wash-wash
AU diy at a very big tub.
The suds would sputter and foam
As the elder Tan-kee would rub-rub.
And little Tan-kee said each day.
"I shaJl grow up as fast as I can
And soon be big Uke papa
And become a rich wash-ee-washmaic:
Washington Post.
Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
The hanging gardens of Babylon
appear to have been constructed,
; jsacfa of them, in : the form of an
(amphitheater, in terrace; one rising
above the other; and ascended by
j stems, the whole structure support-
ad by bag arches raised & arches.
AUtHTOHT TE' SAME
PA. B.' Widener tells this story
on himself. If is the custom of ene
of the railway board of directors
which he is a, member to payback
dir t-t-er v. f?..; tends a board meeV
.ing'$-0, .. ic it mi ey due the ah
sentees is- u .tied iimong those pres
ent. - - -
On one blizzardy day when '.the
board was scheduled, to meet Mr.
Widener, figuredathatjthe snow and
t!old would keep, the, ether members
away fjom the meeting, and he de
termined to attend and thus secure
the fees of all the absentees as well
as his own fee.' Not that;Mr. Wrd
ener needed the money, ibut he
chuckled as he thought of the joke
he would have on his fellow direct
ors. So he put up with the in
conveniences and dangers of the
storm and made his ; way to the
board's meeting place. His amaze
ment was complete when he entered
the room and found that every oth
er member had preceded him. The
intended joke, was tod good, and he
frankly told of his purpose in turn
ing out on such a wretched and
death inviting day. '
The other board members laugh
ed heartily, and before many min
utes had elapsed all had confessed
that they were present as a result
of the same mental figuring. Each
had thought as Mr WideUer had
that he would capture his own and
all his fellow members fees. Jut
each had to be satisfied with the
usual $20. Philadelphia Eecord.
Shaw's Splendid Dinner.
George Bernard Shaw, critic,
dramatist and novelist, asserts that
he has no more home instinct than
a milk can at a railway station. He
admits, however, that he has an ad
dress at 10 Adelphi terrace, London.
"These chambers," he explains,
"constitute the real center of my
domesticity, because my wife lives
there. My omcial residence, quail
fying me as a vestryman, is in Fitz
roy square. My mother lives there.
I live nowhere." He says that any
place that will hold a bed and a
writing table is as characteristic of
him as any other. At one of the
Socialist conferences when the dele-
sates assembled after lunch the
well known writer came in, rubbing
his hands and giving thanks for the
splendid dinner he had just had.
Some one asked him what he had
for dinner. "Ah," replied Mr. Shaw,
with all the serenity of a well fed
man, "I ve had seven bananas !
Comet Superstitions
Has this year's comet affected the
weather? A century ago the an
swer would have been yes. Thus to
the charge of the comet of 1811
were laid the facts not only of the
excellent vintage and abundant
crops of that year, but also that
wasps were then few and flies blind
and that a shoemaker s wife in .Lon
don had four children at a birth.
Besides such calamities as invasions,
pestilences and the like, the comets
of various years were considered re
sponsible for many minor tragedies,
including the destruction of a
church clock by a meteoric stone, a
fit of sneezing that became preva
lent in Germany and in 1668 an epi
demic among cats in Westminster.
Chicago News.
A Famoua Brigand.
Servia's most famous brigand,
Karajitch, has been shot near his
hut on the summit of Mount Kaoni.
He had fourteen murders, two abductions-
and countless robberies to
his account. Deeply devoted to his
mother, he supplied all her wants
from the day she was stricken with
Earalysis. He told her recently that
e would not let himself be caught
until his head was rated at $2,500
I instead of $500. Further, he rirom-
ised her that he would endeavor to
be taken in some poor man's cabin
rather than let the "man hunters"
(police) get the reward. He was,
however, unable to carry out his
good intentions.
Marie Corelli and Marriage.
Marie Corelli, the famous writer,
is greatly annoyed by a little story
now going the rounds of the press.
The form it generally takes is this:
"She was asked the other day why
she does not marry. She replied:
1 have three pets at home which to
gether answer the same purpose. . I
have a dog which growls all the
morning, a parrot which swears all
the afternoon and a cat which stays
out at night." Miss Corelli pos-
sesses neither a dog nor a parrot norl
a cat, and she has never yet met
any one bold enough to ask her
why she is unmarried. Chicago
News.
He Didn't Vote.
There is a little story going round
the house of commonR ahnnt n W- I
tain membei' who abstained from
hill. -:.Qatif.ited lv m n hi.
friends as to the reason' ff fcW al
teneon..he reiWelL
UUtvr, it's just like thiamy wife
has a kter-oha BuU.
CAUTIOUS.
:f National . guardlb dicers through
out the state are enjoying a good
little, story at the expenseof one of
lAcir uuutr nun. uus tniuiutru ittxu-
el" high"" on rthe; ladder ,tif political
preferment. He is a careful and
deeply cdpsiderate man, cautious in
everything 4ie! tloes and' says and
dislikes to make a positive state
ment Nearly every declaration he
makes is qualified in some way. Re
cently lie was elected, to a higher off
flee and had to undergo an examina-
i? a- L : ' a.. ..j.: .... l I 1 ...3
uoa vut w us utuuixii auuwicuc
The Examination was conducted by
Adjutant General Thojnas J. Stew
art. aSd several other! general offi
cers, 'lAt what distance is deploy
ment made in approaching an ene
my's position Y he was . asked.
"About 2,000 yards," he answered.
And so it went, every answer in
stead of stating anything positively
being qualified by the word about,
seeming to indicate a lack of cer
tain knowledge, although as a mat
ter of fact the answers were correct.
Becoming annoyed by the frequent
repetition of the "about go far,"
General Stewart looked up and said,
"Can you tell me of any place in
the regulations where the word
about is used?" After a few mo
ments of deep pondering the offi
cer replied : "Yes, sir. It occurs in
the command 'About face !' " Gen
eral Stewart, was forced to join the
laugh, and the story spread through
out the guard. Philadelphia Eec
ord. A German View of Our Pie.
The Berliner Tageblatt in a re
cent number of its illustrated sup
plement has a picture showing "the
finish in an American pie eating
contest." A Dresden paper in com
menting on the scene says: "Pie is
a purely American product. It is
not kuchen, pastete or stolle, but
all three in one. Pie cannot be de
scribed. It must be seen, and it
cannot be understood until it has
been eaten. It varies in size from
four to fifteen inches in diameter,
and its upper and lower crusts are
filled with fruit jams and with
pastes which have no other use. Pie
is as essential to an American din
ner as bread is to ours, and in one
part of the United States known as
the pie belt it is eaten at every meal.
All Americans agree that pie is in
digestible, but this does not affect
the consumption, and, although it is
made in every household, there are
large bakeries in every city where
only pies are produced."
Chinese Justice.
Wrongdoers in China bring mis
fortune on all their relatives. Not
long ago a man murdered Governor
An Min of Anhui. The murderer
himself was caught and beheaded,
and now the law demands that his
female relatives be sold into slav
ery, that his male relatives sixteen
years old and above be decapitated
and that his male relatives younger
than that be compelled to serve in
the imperial palace. The ancestral
graves of the rebel are also to suf
fer. The tombs are to be ranted and
despoiled and the bones and dust
within scattered to the four winds.
It is hoped, however, that the au
thorities will not exact the full pen
alty of the law.
The Kaiser's Useless Arm.
Emperor William's recent horse
back accident is by no means his
first experience of the kind, though
the greatest care is taken by the ! ter She revels in oar mild De
master of the horse (oberstallmeis- ce ruber weather,
ter) to provide the emperor with the
safest mounts, which are trained to Crandma" Mason, the aged
be as easy and docile as a circus ! mother of Mrs. S. W. Gibbons
steed. The reason is that the kai-1 and our townsman, "Uncle Tom"
ser has no power whatever in his j Mason, accompanied Mr. Gibbons
left or bridle arm, and that when , here from Kansas to remain with
he is leading past a regiment with ; relatives for some time,
sword he has nracticallv no
.. - r- j
means ot controlling nis cnarger.
His majesty looks as if he were
holding the reins with his left hand,
but this is mere appearance.
A Beethoven Manuscript.
Among lif el largest ironies is the
fate that often befalls the manu
script of a genius, says the Deline
ator. Of no one is tms truer tnan :
of Beethoven. When this greatest
of composers was alive he was inces
santly in financial difficulty. After
his death all his manuscripts were
sold at auction over 200 of them
there were, yet they brought hardly
$500. This would be at the rate of
about $2.50 apiece. The other day j
the manuscript of his G major sona- j
ta for violin and piano, written in '
1813 was sold bv a man P5
to a man in Florence for $10,200.
A Cool One.
Senator Albert J. Hopkins was ' hiring to annoy Mr. Cannon, the re
praising in Aurora, 111., the imper- cipient of the letter took it to sev
turbable coolness of a young Chica- j eral of his friends, who together
go politician. j were able to make out all but one
"The bov reminds me."1 said Se'n- word, which; was of firreat import-
?r So.P1. "of
TT tt . M . X
oi one ox uie jjruatj
Disraeli s colleagues.
"This man in the course of his
f naidepeesb. in parliament paused
.
rawn- , - -.,.. :. .
'Hell do said Disraeli, ahoe-
' " u d0
taf-
PHILCKATH SNAPSHOTS.
Qnter Stranger Causes Excite-
: meat -Other News.
. I toostotmy and clond to
q ire very clear snapshots. Ev
' thing- is niet and moving on
- oody with out citizens.
; A little excitement was manir
I tested thrcmphont the vicinity' last
Monday evening when a suspici
ous enaracer nested .the southern
a hum ber of the residents of the
Eve, green neighborhood. He
was an entire stranger and sup
posed to be a foreigner. His ap
proach was heralded by mutter-
in gs, and cursings in all stages of
profanity and naturally was terri
fying to the women and children.
Towards evening he was located
on the Alford premises and the
authorities were notified. He was
forthwith escorted to the city's
bastile as a guest for the night.
The sheriff was notified and he
author zed the officers of Pbilo
math to bold the stranger until
morning when the case would be
investigated, as he was supposed
to be an insane person, possibly
an escape from Salem. He acted
quite sane, however, that evening
and the next morning, and being
found to have some money with
him and not destitute he was per
mitted to go on his way.
Mr. and Mrs. Marion Tavlor of
Corvallis were guests at the W
T. Caldwell borne from Tuesday
until Wednesday. On that day
they proceeded south to visit Mrs.
Taylor's parents.
Roy McGee of Summit visited
with relatives and friends for i
few days last week.
The revival meetings conduct
ed at the Liberal TJ. B. church for
the past few weeks are eliciting
much interest with no sign of
waning. They will be continued
indefinitely. The college pastor,
Rev. P. O. Bonebrake, is in
chaige.
Born, to Mr. and Mrs. S. D.
Clark, in the old Radical parson-
age, on Wednesday
daughter.
morning, a
Mrs. R. A. Clark is not im
proving in health as well as wish
ed for. Miss Maggie Daniels of
Beaver Creek has been at the
Clark borne for the past two
weeks.
W. N. Alford departed for
Bellefountain last Wednesday to
remain for several days, intending
to repair and re-fence his property
at that place.
Elmer Caldwell of Eugene vis
ited at the home of his uncle, W.
F. Caldwell, from Monday until
Wednesday.
The Ladies' Aid Society open
ed its Christmas sale in W. T.
Caldwell's real estate office on
Wednesday at io a. m., for the
day. Everything seemed favor
able for a profitable sale.
Mrs. Hannah McDonald's sis
ter, a Mrs. Ross of Wisconsin, is
in Philomath and expects to re
main with her sister for the win-
T TJ T?-t-1 J j i
axis. j. iv. rcuier ana aaugn
ter, Metha, are expec ed to arrive
home from an extended visit at
the state capitol and state metrop
olis, Wednesday. Miss Cora
Fehler went to Corvallis to meet
them.
Consolidated Farms.
To make one large farm out of sev
eral small ones may prove a good dis
position for cheap farm properties In
some localities. Large consolidated
farms seem to be doing well In many
Instances and to have less trouble with
the labor problem than do the smaller
farms. American Cultivator.
A Confidential Letter.
This story is told on Speaker Can
non, who is a very poor writer : One
day a member of congress received
a letter from him but was only able
to make out a word or. two. Dis-
I , -L . 3
ance Decause is was : miaetiroiw"
Finallv .in desnair the congressman
went: to Speaker Gannon.! with, the
letter to hare iha 05 wor4 inter-
Sreted. After :loolril, Tat it and
len at the congressman, Cannon
j said, "Why, you fool, that word is
Ue Invite
Your
,. Inspection '
Stock of
ot oat
ladies' intf Miss'
Ceats w ,!'
Wool Dree Goods, Cotton '
' Wash Dreai, Fabrics
Our Stock is Com
plete. In Every Detail
at Right Prices.
licnkle & Davis
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if desired. . Address First National'
Bank, Corvallis, Or.
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thereon, if desired. Address M. S.
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ONE HUNDRED TO FOUR HUNDRED
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Wiite for booklet about these most
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BANKING.
THE FTRT NATIONAL BANK OF
' CorvsIKe, Orfleon, transacts a general
consemative banking business. Loans ..
money 00 ' approved seen. ri ay.. Drafts ,
honabt aad sqld and money transferred '
tbJ the prineipal' cities of the United ,
States, Europe asd foreign eonntrieav
' ! ' ' " I
Gazette
for Job Work
3