Corvallis gazette., January 08, 1904, Page 4, Image 4

TOPICS OF TH E TIMES.
A CHOICE SELECTION OF INTER
ESTING ITEMS.
Comments asd Criticisms Based Upon
the Hippenian of the Day Histori
cal and Nam Notes.
To err is human; not to Jump on
the man who errs la divine.
Few men are appreciated until they
take up their residence In a cemetery.
Getting Into debt is like dropping
from a balloon. Getting oat again la
like climbing a greased pole.
The venerable Mr. Fltzslmmons does
not seem to be in any hurry to set
tle down In a home for the aged.
Panama will doubtless see to It that
that $10,000,000 does not give rise to
any popular agitation against a treas
ury surplus.
A German' professor claims to have
found redlum In petroleum. Now watch
the price of kerosene go where you
can't sea It with a telescope.
The per capita circulation ha this
country on December 1, was 530-21,
breaking all records. Evidently the
Christmas shoppers began early.
A Boston educator Is arguing for
teaching the school children more fairy
tales. In spite of the fact that there
are too many politicians already.
A New York preacher became the
father of triplets a few days ago. If
he can go on preaching peace on earth
now It will have to be admitted that
he's a wonder. .
A man has discovered a process
whereby he can make cigars out of
straw. If he tries to use it he Is like
ly to find himself burled under suits
for infringement
A statesman is advocating the doc
trine that the tramps should build the
roads. Weary will be too strong to
be found In the vicinity where road
building is going on.
A Cincinnati man refused to marry
the girl because she cried on her way
to the church. This should be a warn
ing. It is always best for the girls to
leave the crying to be done by their
mothers.
In all of England there are said to
be but two matrimonially available
dukes left. Considering the large nam
ber of available would-be duchesses we
yet have on hand, this news la really
distressing!
An Alaskan child bearing the name
of Leon Edward Seattle No. 3 Yukon
Woodpile Bartlett Is In txoubla Its
father recently killed Its mother. Let
ns hope their quarrel was not a result
of the naming of the baby.
Mr. Carnegie professes profound sor
row and sympathy for young men who
were born rich. Up to date the young
Vanderbllts, Goulds, Rockefellers, and
other sons of rich men have failed to
express any hearty appreciation of Mr.
Carnegie's sympathy for them.
German engineers, backed by Amer
ican capital, have started for Portu
guese East Africa to work what some
persons believe to be the rediscovered
mines of Ophlr, from which King Sol
omon obtained his gold. If the mines
contain gold no modern capitalist will
vara very much whether Solomon knew
of them or not.
When, a friend told the late Theodor
Mommsen that his books contained
twenty-four million' words the great
historian remarked, "I did not know
I was so wretchedly verbose. I am
sure no person has read them all."
Modesty seems to be characteristic of
some types of greatness, even If we
do not admit that no greatness can ex
ist without humility.
Men slave to accumulate fortunes
for their boys when In many cases they
mlrht as well give them poison. They
d.l 1 (irately contrive the ruin of their
jiis by allowing them to grow up In
idleness, luxury and self-indulgence.
Poverty would be better than that, be
cause poverty would discipline the
character. But the character can be
disciplined in other ways if the father
will take enough trouble. By enforcing
hard work and self-denial he can leave
wealth to his son with an assurance
that the fortune will belong to the
boy, not the boy to the fortune.
It perhaps would be extravagant to
ay that there never was a time since
the daya of King Arthur's round table
when physical strength and health
rere so highly regarded as now. But
nevertheless it Is a fact not success
fully to be denied that physical culture
during recent years baa been given
more than ordinary attention, and
many men who are healthful and
strong have been remarkably success
ful in the various vocations of active
life. The days of the fop, the dude,
the lackadaisical dandy are past. The
popular society man nowadays must be
huntsman, a golfer, a horseman or
famed for some particular athletic
quality.
It Is doubtful whether the army of
any country on earth could fight Its
hardest were there no flags to symbol
ise their cause, no drums and bugles
to apeak for It again and again. Just
so the students of a college are held
together, are reminded of their duty to
the Institution of their character of
students, by the fluttering of the steam
ers, bluet crimson, orange and black,
lire and blue, whichever the case may
be; the tooting of the horns and the
etentorian recitation swelled by the
throat of each of them of that pecu
liarly unlit erary and unmusical com
position, the college yelL
, There waa a time when the greatest
ep that the United States was con
sidered fit only for hog-fattening pur
poses. The farmers grow corn as they
Crow no other cereaL They measure
the crop In billions of bushels, not mil
lions. And every year this crop, that
asks so little care but much sunshine.
Is growing more valuable, because act
ence la at work, and the people are ;
beginning to appreciate what a good '.
and cheap food is theirs. We have j
corn roods by the dozen. Tney are
palatable and eas'ly digested. Amer
ica has fo and them good and Europe
Is learning, as the export figures will
testify. We have corn syrups that are
a table necessity. They taste good.
They are good. The cheapness of the
product almost does away with the
temptation to adulterate. And If you
would know something about the
growth of this one Item of corn prod
uct, know that In one year, the pro
duction of corn syrups aggregated 1,
350,000 barrels, for table use alone; five
times the amount of cane and sorghum
syrups produced for table use. And
really this Is only the beginning. The
experimenters have not stopped work-
lng. We will have new corn dainties,
new tnings mat at present are un-;
. dreamed of, toothsome and healthful;
and oat or tnem wiu come more pros-
perity for the farmer and for aU of;
us. Other countries can raise wheat
to a greater or less degree, Dut corn
! is an American crop, a Yankee asset
almost a monopoly. It does not take
readily to foreign soils and climates.
There have been millions made In
corn. The future will show more mil
lions In a cereal that was once discred
ited and now occupies a throne.
Nearly every city and town has In
it one or more men engaged In business-,
who seek to profit by the en
terprise of others, without bearing
any of the burdens they can by
'hook or crook" avoid, which the really
enterprising business man has to as
sume. "Patronize your home mer
chant" Is the slogan of many a news
paper that means well and Is endeav
oring to boost for Its town. Such a
slogan Is a mighty good one In many
towns and a mighty poor one In oth
ers. By all means patronize your
home merchant providing he Is
worthy of your patronage. If he Is a
hustler who gets around early in the
morning, keeps his store and stock
clean and up to the times, charges a
reasonable price for his goods, runs
an ad. In the newspapers and pays
his share to everything that goes to j
help the town, patronize him and boost j
for him for he Is helping to Improve
the town and enhance the value of
your property. But if he is a drone
In the hive of Industry and keeps a
dingy, dirty store, pays his help star-
vatlon wages and works them as many
hours every day as possible, refuses to
advertlse and positively declines to con
tribute : what he should to public en
terprise and votes against every meas
ure that win help the town In order
to keep his taxes down, sit down on
him hard and withhold your patron
age from him until you starve him
out Such fellows are not worthy the
name of "merchant," and are on earth
to get all they can and keep all they
get. They are a curse to any town and
many towns that have good natural
advantages are killed off by such skin
flints. Many of them are continually
howling for patronage because they are
Vhome merchants," but never think of
patronizing their brother business men
when they can save a few cents by
sending away for anything. They are
In the, same class as the fellow who
depends upon the local community and
Its prosperity for a living and then
tries to kill the goose , that lays the
golden eggs by sending away to cat
alogue houses for everything that he
can scrape up the cash to pay for.
The way to "patronize" such fellows
is to carry a good, big hammer for
them."
CITY OF CROCODILES.
Carious Village Ia Bald to Have Been
Built by Pharoah.
The crocodile, one of the most sacred
animals of the East, has given its
name to several ancient rites. Of the
various "Cities of Crocodiles," the
names of which have been handed
down to us by Herodotus, Pltny and
Strabo, perhaps the most striking was
the Crocodllopolls of the ancient
Egyptian Province of Fayum, which,
according to tradition, was built by
that Pharaoh who. "made the lives of
the children of Israel bitter with hard
service."
This province lies within an almost
complete circle of hills a little oasis
in the midst of the desert, where roses
and grapes mingle with figs and olives
and palm trees grow almost Into for
ests. Its capital Is Medlnet, and a lit
tle to the north of the city are a num
ber of Irregularly shaped mounds. Be
neath these are the ruins of the Pha
raoh-built Crocodilopolls, the City of
Crocodiles, later called Arslnoe, and
the shrine of the sacred crocodile of the
neighboring Lake Moeris, which was
then 450 miles In circumference.
This lake held the sacred crocodiles.
and as each died in turn It was burled
In one of the 1,500 underground se-
pulchers of the world-famed "Laby
rinth" at hand, side by side with the
embalmed bodies of successive Phara
ohs. Philadelphia Public Ledger.
Had Earned Their Help.
Many years ago, when the revivalist.
E. P. Hammond, converted nearly the
whole population of Lawrence, there
was an old shoemaker In the town who
was noted for his profligate habits. He
came to grace In the course of the
revival and regularly took a promi
nent place on the mourner's bench. One
night Mr. Hammond Invited him to
lead hi prayer. He responded with
alacrity and said:
"Oh, Lord, Thou knowest what a
wicked man I have been. Thou know
est that I have neglected my family
and my business to travel the paths
of sin. Thou knowest that I could
not be counted on to do the work of
my customers. But now, O Lord, by
the power of Thy sanctlflcatlon, I am
turned from the paths of wickedness
and walk uprightly before all. And
Thou knowest, Lord, that under Thy
mercy I will be at my bench from
morning till night ready to mend shoes
as cheap as any man in town." Kan
sas City Journal.
Frugal.
"I want a dog license," said the man
in the Chicago city halL -
"All right." said the clerk.
"You might as well give me a mar
riage license as well. Two for a quar
ter, I suppose?" Yonkers Statesman.
OPINIONS OF GREAT PAPERS ON IMPORTANT SUBJECTS
Coarse Efforts to Be Funny.
HH editor of an Indiana publication. In an
effort to make a coarse jest on the subject of
a local wedding, ran afoul of the United
States postal laws, and as a result' thereof
pleaded guilty to a federal indictment. The
incident calls attention to the fact that a very
T
large class of people throughout this country
I the time-honored wedding jocularity altogether too
,nd while they seldom so to Indecent lengths in their
; fforta to be funny, as In the present
i morons" attempts usually smack of a
entirely out of harmony with the civilization of the day.
j The charivari, or "shlveree," as it
to an Institution of historic antiquity, and when confined to
a drumming that compels the returned groom to produce a
barrel of, cider and the pipe of peace,
harmless enough, but the efforts to
married couple before strangers Is a
Starting with the harmless old custom of throwing rice for
good luck. It progressed to the matter of playing tricks with
the groom's clothing, to tacking ribbons
trunks, and, finally, to the "send-off"
some humorist announces to the assemblage of traveling
men and other strangers that these people have just been
married, and another idiot distributes handbills to the
same effect, embellished with remarks more or less im-
J pertinent or imbecile, as the case may
ble effect of such performances Is to make the bride and
groom miserable and cause all other passengers bleBt with
good sense to feel foolish.
The line between laughter and disgust is a very narrow
one, and the amateur comedians essaying great jocularity
on the occasion of their friends' marriage almost Invariably
overstep it. It seems a pity there is no way for the ag
grieved ones to reach the great majority of them aa this
editor was reached Indianapolis Journal.
Publicity of Modern Life.
HE fierce light that was suposed to beat ex
clusively upon a throne has come, in our mod
ern conditions, to beat with almost equal fierce
ness upon a kitchen. The doings, sayings, and
portraits of the cooks of the truly rich are now
adays matters for public record. Meantime our
American court calandar includes not only the
I BBBBaBBBSaBBBBBaaBBBaw
T
dally doings of the presidential family, but also of the f am-
Hies of those of our millionaires who are in, and by some
supposed exclusively to constitute, "society." Not only
this, but there is a system, especially in what would be
called In England the provincial press, of recording the
doings, movements, and visitations or
body
in pretty much every community
What effect is all this publicity
average man, woman and girl 7 But, particularly, what
effect Is all this familiarity to have upon the world's senti
ment with regard to royalty and high ecclesiastical au
thority? As to these latter matters, surely there will be
palpable effects. Can the sense of awe continue as great
when there is so little left of the unknown? One thing
Is sure; the sentiment toward kings and courts and Vati
cans can never remain the same In these new and remark
able conditions. The relation between the former and their
subjects and followers may be none the less affectionate,
even reverent; It may become more human, more close.
But the mystery having departed, there can hardly be the
old stress. When the mind Is no longer awed and clouded
by the dim and the unknown, the -appeal to reason must
be reinforced. Century Magazine.
Do Not Worry.
E should worry less If we were fully conscious
of our own freedom; If we realized that nothing
can hurt us except our own false actions, that
no one can hurt us except ourselves. We should
worry less If we looked neither too eagerly to
ward the future nor too soberly toward the
past, but concerned ourselves chiefly with the
w
duty of the moment. We should worry less If we could
always say to the Jeering god Failure: "I tried to do my
best, and that was the best I could do." We should worry
less If we turned our backs on every Satan of excess ex
cessive luxury, excessive work, excessive duty," excessive
anything. We should worry less If we ate simple food, if
we took plenty of sleep, if we developed our minds with
"Have you any old clothes, lady?"
asked the broom peddler. "I'll give
you a fine broom for some old clothes."
"I'm busy now," said the woman of
the house. "Not to-day."
She began slowly to close the door,
but the peddler displayed one of his
brooms a gorgeous, wide-spreading
one with a varnished handle and
bound with green plush.
"Just a pair of old shoes," pleaded
the peddler.
"Wait a moment" said the woman
and closed the door, carefully putting
the catch on. Then she went upstairs
and rummaged through some closets
and at last found a pair of old shoes,
which she brought down and offered to
the peddler.
"They're badly worn," he said.
"Of course they are," said the wom
an, briskly. "If they weren't I'd wear
them myself. Do you want to trade
me a broom for them.
The man smiled mournfully and pro
ducing a whisk broom said, "I'll let
you have this for them shoes and 10
cents."
"Certainly not," said the woman
"Give 'em to me."
"Haven't you any others?" asked the
peddler.
"No, I haven't I don't need a whisk
broom. I want a carpet broom."
The peddler examined .the shoes
again. Then he said: "Well, Til give
you a carpet broom for the shoes and
a quarter."
"I won't do It," said the woman.
"Give me back the shoes."
"Well, 15 cents, then."
"Oh, well," said the woman, "I sup
pose 111 have to to get rid of you.
Wait a minute."
She closed and bolted the door again
and went upstairs for her pocketbook,
from which she extracted a quarter,
which the peddler took, returning her
a battered nickel and five pennies.
Then he handed her a small broom,
without any plush upholstering.
"Here," said the woman, "I , want
that one you showed me first"
"Can't give you that broom for 15
cents," said the peddler.
"Then give me the shoes and the
quarter back." said the woman. "TH
- The Boston
his steel stock to
instance, their "hu-
coarseness that Is
the blues because
ia commonly called.
is interesting and
embarrass the newly
different proposition.
on the traveling
at the train, where
be. The only possi
pretty mucn every-
In the country.
to have upon the
T
" Here she broke off and sniffed.
"Gracious V she exclaimed, "if my pies
arent burning Here, take your pen
nies and give me the shoes and my
quarter."
The peddler took back his change
slowly and the odor of burning pastry
grew stronger.
"I'll let you have this broom for a
quarter and, the shoes," he said.
The woman snatched the broom out
of his hand, slammed the door in his
face and rushed to her oven to dis
cover four pies burned to a crisp. The
peddler walked away, smiling. Chi
cago News.
Wedded In Modern Style.
There was a wedding yesterday In
Graceless Church.
Lord Baldknob of Klltshlre, England,
married Miss Sallie Panhandle, of East
Pittsburg.
The bridal party, including the at
torneys for both sides, forced in the
alcove promptly at 1130.
At 11:45 the real estate in the bride's
name was transferred to his lordship. ,
At 11:50 a million dollars in legal
tender changed hands.
At high noon all the railroad first
mortgage bonds known to be the
bride's possession were handed, over.
A vote of thanks was then passed
to his lordship for leaving the bride's
father enough to live on comfortably
untn the next rise In Wall street, which
to predicted for. next spring.
At 12:15 two bishops, four clergymen,
two real estate lawyers and a bar
rister, representing the plaintiff, pro
nounced the benediction.
The groom will pass the next three
weeks with bis bride at his estates In
England, after the roof has been re
paired. '
After his, It Is understood, they win
separate and enter society. New York
Life.
Facts About Immigration.
In thirty years. L39L076 Italians
have come to this country. This Immi
gration has a very peculiar character.
Until 1880 the percentage of women
was less than 15, but now It has ln-
creasedto89. 'VOtSm Indicate tbM the 1
m
our bodies and our bodies with our .minds. We should
worry less If we would frankly meet our Ideals with tem
porary, just compromises, aiming simply to gain more with
every new compromise. , ; ; --
Globe says: "The , Investor who carries
bed with him every night, and in his
dreams sees it falling, falling, falling, to not the man who
watches the ticker tape with a sharp eye looking out of a
clear head the next day, prepared to grasp the hand of for
tune. 7 " " ;. ". . ' ? :: ... " v ;
"The merchant who permits himself to suffer long from
his profits this year are less than last
year, will always keep a little store around the corner, so
long as his brain to active. His show windows will never
grace the main street- ' ,? ' '
"The mechanic who continually nurses the fear that he
will be left penniless in time of sickness, because his earn
ings all go for the family food and clothing, it but weak
ening his capacity as a workman and hastening, his day of
expected misfortune.
'The housewife who eternally frets lest the cake fall or
a speck of dust be overlooked in the parlor, not only loses
the pleasure of the present, but mortgages the joys she
might naturally expect for the future.
Dont worry, and the result will be fewer overwrought
minds, fewer exhausted nervous systems, less recourse to
bracing drugs, and a marked reduction In the number of
cases of insanity." The Week's Progress.- - t
To Make Bad Boys Good.
T Is not strange that there should be a good
deal of sentiment among public school princi
pals in favor of the restoration of corporal pun
ishment under proper restriction, in the
schools. The rule that the teacher who cannot
secure discipline and order in his class with
out resorting to physical force is not fit to teach
sounds very well in theory, but in practice there are excep
tions. - There are refractory pupils, whom nothing but the
fear of physical punishment can keep In subjection, and it
is unfortunately true that the example of one or two such
boys Is more potent as a demoralizing force than the ex
ample of the good boys can counteract Boys are naturally
lawless, if they are healthy,' and the forceful young rascal
who defies his teacher is likely to be regarded as a hero by
his schoolmates. There are doubtless many occasions
when a good, efficient caning would do more to maintain
order and discipline in the classroom than the most earnest
appeal to the dormant sense of honor of the boys. ' '
In the case of the boy who drew a knife on his teacher
in one of the Brooklyn schools recently, it certainly seems
that an earnest application of the cane would have been
more efficacious than the arrest of the boy. Imprisonment
tends to confirm the vice that there may be in a boy, while
the Incitement to virtue of a good thrashing, from which
there Is no honor In the sight of his fellows to be derived,
would prove much more efficacious as a reformatory meas
ure. Brooklyn Times.
Average Marriage Age.
HE average age of marriage for men In the
United States is 26 years, which, according
to the New York Sun, Is lower than In any
other country in which accurate marriage
records are kept In Sweden the average is SI
years. Whether it is better, on the whole,
that the average age of marriage in a country
should be low or high Is & moot question, and the answer
must vary according to the character of the country. Early
marriages naturally are followed by, large families of chil
dren, but young parents with many obildren are very
likely to be poor and unable to give the children much
care. The young ones are forced to leave school and go
to work at an early age and thus their minds and bodies
are prevented from attaining the highest development of
which they are capable. True, a moderate measure of
wholesome neglect to good for a child. True, also, that
many great men rose like Lincoln and Garfield from the
humblest and poorest of early environment But when
talking of general averages it Is a safe proposition That ex
treme poverty is a detriment to children. The advantages
of money, good schools, books and a reasonable amount
of comfort and even luxury at home are beneficial. They
make a finer quality of men and women. San Francisco
Bulletin. , .. :
lmmlgratlon has a marked tendency to
become permanent
ANDRE PRISON HOUSE.
Historic Structure Is Now Used as a
, Bar and Tavern.
In the little village of Tappan, near
the border line between New York and
New Jersey, about twenty-one miles
from New York, is the historic prison
house in which Major John Andre, of
the British army, was confined in Sep
tember, 1780, and from which he was
led to execution on Oct 2, 1780, says
the New York Tribune. The house is
practically the same now as it was 123
years ago, although a storm in March,
1897, destroyed part of the structure
and leveled a side wall, which has been
rebuilt however.
' The house has long been an object
of interest to tourists, and it has lately
attracted some attention because of the
resurrection of the theme of Andre's
death by Clyde Fitch, the playwright,
who has laid the scenes of his last act
in the play "Major Andre," now run
ning at the Savoy Theater, In this cele
brated 'house.
The building is of stone, and It has
been known for nearly a century as
the " 76 house." Presumably it was
built in that year. . It was a tavern
when Andre was confined there, and
It Is a tavern still. For many years
prior to its partial destruction, in 1897,
it naa oeen unoccupied, and it was
therefore in poor condition to with
stand the strong winds. Immediately
afterward it was purchased by Charles
A. Pike, a native of Tappan, who re
stored the house as nearly as possible
to its former state. One room, how
ever, has been converted Into a bar
room. Directly across the hall is the
Andre prison room, which is carefully
preserved for the inspection of visitors.
Mr. Pike, the owner of the building. Is
proud of his property and the Andre
room is filled with rare prints and re
productions of documents relating to
the young British officer who was tried
there and hanged in the rear of the
house. '
Obeying the Law.
"Why did you let him get away fron.
you?" thundered the chief. ,
"He er took a mean advantage of
me," replied the green detective. "He
ran across the grass in the park and "
"WeU?"
"Wen, there was a sign there, 'Keep
off the grass.' "Philadelphia Press.
Land Is Redeemed.
By means of irrigation something
like 8,500,000 acres of land in Dakota
has been Increased in value over $230,-
000,000.
SUPPOSE WE V SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS.
Pleasant Incidents Occurring; the
World Over-Sayings that Art Cheer
fnl to OM or louac-Fuuiy Selec
tions that Everybody Will Knjoy.
Mother I don't hear the canary
singing this morning, Osten. Is he in
a good humor?
- Osten Mo, mamma, I think he's in a
pet - - " . . '
Mother You do?
Osten Yes, the Persian cat swal
lowed him. .
, T Then He San.
''George, you don't love
more." V '
"Oh, yes, I do."
me any
"Then, George, yon have been de
ceiving me. Last night you said it
was Impossible to love me any more
than you did.".
"Well, er confound it then I don't"
"Oh, George, how can you! Boo-
hoo!"
Getting- On.
Well, Tommy, how are you getting
on at school?"
"First-rate. I ain't doing so well as
some of the other boys, though! I can
stand on my head, but I have to put
my feet against the wall. I want to
do it without the wall at all." Punch.
Lesser KvlL
, "Ma," wailed the small boy, "I've
lost two teeth, a lock of hair, scraped
my shins and tore all my clothes up."
What have you been doing, sir?"
demanded the angry woman. "Tell the
truth."
"F-flghtlng."
"Oh, well, it's not so bad. I thought
you'd been playing football."
A Long-Felt Want.
Casey Ol see there's bin another
railroad wreck due to an open switch.
Cassidy Ay, 'tis a pity some wan
don't invint a switch thot'U stay shut
whin its open. Philadelphia Press.
More Proof.
Ernie Some learned professor tells
us that sunspots cause people to lose
their tempers.
Ida I don't doubt It I saw several
girls the other day who were mad as
hornets because they had freckles.
One Drawback.
" 'Tis love that makes the world go
round," whispered the pretty girl as
she nestled closer.
"Yes," sighed the young man as he
glanced at the time, "and it seems to
make the hands of the clock go around,
too."
"Platform Repartee.
. "Did you ever see a chimney
sweep?" asked the solemn man with
the black cane.
"No," responded the conductor of
the car, "but I've heard a college
relL"
A Clear Conscience.
"You are accused of running the end
of an umbrella in this man's eye. Are
you guilty or not guilty?"
"Not guilty, your honor; the umbrella
doesn't belong to me." '
No LanEtains; Hatter.
"I thought you would surely laugh at
that little joke," said the humorist as
the editor solemnly glanced at the
manuscript
"Not me," rejoined the man behind
the blue pencil, "I never laugh at an
old friend." '
Crazy Enough.
"Yes, If I do say it" said the con
ceited fellow, "she's crazy for me."
"How unnecessary," remarked Miss
Bharpe,"you don't require any assist
ance In that direction." Philadelphia
Press.
Two of a Kind.
"A man needn't be afraid of light
ning so long as he can see It approach
ing," said the would-be humorist
"Same way with a bullet" observed
the solemn party with a far-off look in
his off optic
Light Indeed.
"And after the elopement," he whls.
pered, tenderly, "we will go to light
housekeeping."
. "Lighthouse keeping!" she echoed,
innocently. "Then all we'll need will
be a big lamp."
Obtnae Brill'nncy.
Julian Is Clementine really so Intel
lectual? Aurella Oh, yes; she never can tell
you a thing any other woman has on.
One Definition.
- "Papa, what Is alimony?"
"My boy, It Is the price set on a
h- 1 I
man's liberty.
' Reversed. . .
"Wnat is the difference between me
and a prisoner on a pirate ship?" asked
the man who was placing boards along
the slippery stone walk. -
"Give it up," responded the other
suburbanite.
"Well, I have to plank the walk and
he'd have to Walk the plank."
, ' Easily Explained.
Teacher Where to your brother this
morning. Tommy?
Tommy He feU In a barrel of dder
and hurt himself.
Teacher How could cider hurt him!
Tommy It was hard cider, ma'anu
.' What the Homely Bachelor Says.
"Mamma," asked small "Floramayt
"what to 'single blessedness?' "
"Single blessedness, my dear," re
plied the knowing mother, to a "bou
quet that a bachelor throws at him
self when he wants to marry and
can't"
A Bright Thought.
"Yes, ma'am," said the obsequious
grocery clerk to Mrs. Bridey, who -was
ordering her first bill of supplies, "I've
put down parlor matches; what next?"
"WeU er I suppose I ought to
have . some kitchen matches, tec
oughtn't I?"
Nightly Occurrence.
Teacher What to this word?
Tommy I don't know, ma'am.
Teacher What does a gentleman re
move when he enters a house?
Tommy Well, if ma is awake pa
removes his shoes.
Scathing.
Angry Patron (to waiter) Herel
Take away this lobster. Why, it's as
old as I am.
Very Appropriate.
"Did you hear about Lever? Went
fast to sleep while speeding In his au
tomobile." "Yes, and he Blept like a top."
"How was that?"
"Spinning."
Dinner . Kepartss.
"Ah, this spring chicken Is a tooth
some morsel," said the sweet singer.
"Excuse me," said the comedian
boarder, "but it cannot be toothsome."
"Why not?"
"Because chickens have no teeth."
An Unreasonable Bequest.
Wife (timidly) Can you let me have
a dollar, dear?
Husband (testily) No, I - can't
Haven't I just spent $2,300 on an auto
mobile? There's Something la the Wind.
Shelling the Parquet.
"How was that play, 'The Fall of
Santiago'?"
"Great! The shells fell among the
audience."
"You don't say!"
"Yes, the gallery boys were .eatlrg
peanuts."
The Absent-Minded Beggar.
She My sister is coming out next
week.
He How long was she sent up fort
Cornell Widow.
Perhaps He Was.
"Who was that young man hugging
you last night?" asked the girl in the
new fall hat
"Oh, he is a book agent" responded
her chum.
"Looked to me more like a press
agent"
- Dead Easy.
"How," asked the very young man,
can one tell when love is only pla-
tonic?"
"When it develops into the other
kind," replied the charming widow,
"one can look back and see the differ
ence." It All Depends.
"How gratifying it must be," said
the sentimental youth who had the
matrimonial fever, "to be the owner
of one's own little home."
"Yes, it's gratifying enough, I sup
pose," rejoined the man who had just
failed in business, "but it's a whole
lot safer to have one's wife own it"
Old as the Scissors.
"Telegraphing without wires to no
new thing," remarked the gray-haired
passenger.
"It Isn't eh?" queried the drummer.
"Not by a jugful," continued the old
man. "Why, sir, when I published a
newspaper forty years ago L got near
ly all my telegraph news that way."
Chicago News.
Didn't Escape.
Von Blumer "I had the most singu
lar thing happen to me the other day.
Did you ever go into a man's place to
pay a bill you owed him, and find htm
out?"
Planklngton (emphatically) "No,
sir. Did that happen to you?"
"It did. I had a notion, or rather I
nerved myself up to It, to settle up.
some bills that I owed. So on my way
form the office I dropped In to sea
my fish-monger."
"And he was out?"
"Correct Then I tried my grocer."
"He was out?"
"Bight Plenty of shopmen, but no
proprietor. Of course.I left word that
I called in to settle up, but wanted to
see the proprietor first Dispute about
bills. Do you twig?"
"Oh, yes, that strengthens your
credit"
"Exactly. Then I called to see my
butcher, and I'll be hanged if he wasn't
out alsol"
"By Jovel but you were in luck!"
"No I wasn't"
"Why not?" "
"When I got home I found them aQ ,
waiting for me."