Corvallis gazette., June 19, 1903, Image 4

' .nil i m in Lpwgiii iitttm - 1 1, i i--n-rnTri
THE GREAT PARIS-MADRID AUTOMOBILE
ACING In automobiles has now become practically
synonymous with suicide and murder. Some of the
victims of the accidents which happened during the
furious run from Versailles to Bordeaux. France, were
seated in the competing vehicles, and some were Innocent
bystanders. Seven or eight persons were killed, three of
them being burned to death under overturned machines.
That the mortality was so small Is wonderful. The owners
and drivers who reached their destination without mishap
were really as culpable as those who ran down and fatal
ly Injured spectators. They knew what they were about,
an dthelr failure to slay any one must be regarded more as
a matter of luck than skilL The winner of the race trav
eled 343 miles at a mean speed of 40.4 miles an hour, and
his average outside the city and village limits Is said to
have been sixty-two miles. Few railway expresses do so
well, and the large number of fatal accidents which have'
already occurred In the last two or three years from fast
running ought to have warned the participants in the Paris
Madrid race of the daneer attending their venture. It is
A Happy Mistake f
HS it not possible, my dear Lattice,"
asked Miss Vynor, having come to
an-end of her stock of patience,
"to find some occupation that will em
ploy your time more usefully and per
haps with less annoyance to other peo
ple?" "What would you do, auntie?" she
said, her hands, clasped behind her
back, her curly brown head a little on
one side, as though it were considering
a weighty subject, "what would you
do, do you think, if you were to re
ceive two offers by the same post and
you didn't like one any better than, the
other the people who sent them, I
mean?".
"I cannot If you refer to proposals
of marriage I cannot at all imagine
such a contingency," replied Miss Vy
nor stiffly, stooping over her knitting
to pick up a dropped stitch.
"Surely, Lettlce," continued Miss
Vynor, "you do not Intend to tell me
that you know of any person of our
acquaintance who has compromised
herself so far?"
"Well, no, I can't say I do," an
swered Miss Lettlce which was very
true, in one way, for she certainly did
not mean to tell her aunt anything of
the kind.
"Then I think, my dear Lettlce, that
you might occupy yourself more profit
ably than In making these idle supposi
tions." said Miss Vynor.
"Yes, auntie, you're right as. usual.
I'll see if I can't find something better
to do," and Lettlce gladly seized the
opportunity of. escape from a conver
sation that had seemed In danger of be
coming too personal.
She ran lightly upstairs to her own
room and. after carefully closing the
door, drew from her pocket two envel
opes and settled herself in a chair to
read their contents, not for the first
time.
"Very odd they should both have
written, and chosen exactly the same
time," she said to herself softly.
For quite a long time Lettlce sat
with the letters before her, consider
ing, for she was in a serious ' diffi
culty.
"I like Humphrey Forde best I do
believe, but he's so grave and so quiet
and somehow it's too ridiculous 'but
-sometimes he seems almost afraid of
me! His voice quite trembled once
or twice when he spoke to me the oth
er day. A man can't be up to much
if he's afraid of a girl! No, it must
fce Will Haywood; he Is a dear boy, so
(bright and full of. fun, and ready to
nter into everything; we are sure to
et on well together. And yet I'm
.half sorry."
She gave a quick little sigh; then
rose, drew together her writing mate
rials, and began to write. Only a brief
imeBsage on each dainty sheet; it was
iU she could muster courage for. On
one she wrote: "Come this evening at
i7." and addressed the envelope to W
iHeywood, Esq., and on the other, in
hasty, uncertain characters: "Forgive
me, on, ao piease iorgive me, uut
cannot r
As footsteps mounted the stairs to-
iward her room she thrust both notes
'in the envelopes and hid them hastily,
jrhe next moment her aunt rapped at
ithe door and entered.
"I cannot say that I approve," re
Imarked Mis3 Vynor, in her precise
'way. "of the habit that young people
of the present day seem to have form
ed of spending so much time in their
own apartments. In my own young
days a bedroom was a bedroom, and
jwas not Intended to be used as a su
iting room also; and it appears to me
ithat the habit is conducive to a great
iwaste of time, for there seldom seems
(to be any visible result from it I
came to propose that we should walk
this morning. It is a pity to waste
the best part of the day Indoors, and
DEATH WINS.
RACE RESULTED IN A HALF A DOZEN
amazing that the French 'government should have given the
business the slightest encouragement France already has
stricter regulations than any yet adopted in this country,
and these were deliberately suspended by an official permit,
without which there would have been no contest
The effect of this disgraceful episode will be to array
public sentiment on both sides of the Atlantic more strong
ly than ever against any approach whatever to racing on
common highways. Speed competitions should be per
mitted only on special race tracks or speedways, from
which all other types of vehicle are rigidly excluded, and
to which even pedestrians should not be admitted. Con
tests between automobiles should be conducted only under
substantially the same conditions as between horses. . The
restrictions should be even severer, because the former in
volve the public in far greater peril than the latter. The
law steps in to prohibit that form of sport which sacrifices
the life of pigeons. Why should it not scrupulously protect
human beings from so hazardous an amusement as auto
mobile racing? TJtica Globe.
especially is it wasted if spent in one's
sleeping apartment"
With the help of the walk and other
small occupations the hours somehow
passed, but never before had a day
seemed so long to Lettlce Vynor. At
length, however, the afternoon drew to
a close, and she found herself alone,
her aunt having an invitation to spend
the evening with an old friend. Per
haps Lettlce had counted on this when
she dispatched her notes In the morn
ing, but now the time was drawing
near when the favored lover might be
expected, she would have given a great
deal to be able to delay his visit.
Twenty times did she wish vainly that
she had sent a different answer, even
if it had resulted In the loss of both
her friends. , Will Heywood as a de
voted friend and admirer had been
everything that was pleasant; but now
It came nearer the idea of Will Hey
wood as a prospective husband on,
that was a different affair altogether!
For she knew that that was what she
had meant her message to imply, and
that he would be quick so to under
stand it
Then at last the doorbell rang, and
Lettlce heard footsteps crossing the
hall. The drawing room door opened
and shut again, but her heart was
beating so loudly that, she did not hear
the name that had been announced.
and she advanced to meet her visitor
without raising her eyes from the
ground.
The next moment she felt herself
caught in a strong pair of arms, and
kisses were being rained upon her
face.
My sweetheart my sweetheart!" a
man's voice whispered passionately
again and again, as if it would never
tire of that delightful repetition.
But what what was this? The
room whirled round, her eyes closed,
and for a moment she could make no
effort to release herself. For this man
who held her so masterfully, who was
showering his kisses on her face, and
whispering passionate endearments in
her ear, was not the Will Heywood
she had expected, but Humphrey
Forde! Humphrey the, grave, the
quiet whom she had imagined to be
afraid of her! Why was he here? And
why, why had she not known before
what those kisses all at once had made
clear to her that this was the man
she loved after all, and had loved all
along?
Then suddenly It flashed across her
what had happened. In her haste she
had doubtless Inclosed the notes in the
wrong envelopes, and he had received
the one meant for Will Heywood! But
he must know the truth! To the girl's
delicate sense of honor no other course
was possible; even if it meant the loss
of his love she would not keep it by
acting a lie.
'Oh, you mustn't you mustn't! I've
made a dreadful mistake!" she gasped
almost incoherently, finding voice at
last and striving frantically to disen
gage herself.
Humphrey's arms suddenly loosened.
and he held her away from him to
look into her face.
"A mistake?" he repeated, slowly,
incredulously. was that what you
really said, Lettlce? Do you mean,
then, that you do not love me after
all?"" .
The color flushed over the fair little
face from brow to chin, and she hung
her head In silence. No, she could not
say that! ,
"Speak, Lettlce!" he said, his voice
grave and almost stern. "I Insist on
your telling me this. You knew when
you wrote it what your letter must
Imply. Do you mean you were mis
taken in thinking that you loved me?'
"No, no, not that!" she whispered,
as if the truth were being forced from
her.
Humphrey could feel how the slight
form trembled. He placed her gently
in a low chair, and drew another be
side her.
"Come, let me understand," he said
more kindly. "You say you love me
FATALITIES AND MANY INJURIES.
is it so? Very good; very good. Then
where lies the mistake? Now tell me;
mean to know, and at once."
"I wrote I wrote two letters," Let
tlce stammered in desperation, and hid
her face In her hands.
Only four words, but they flashed
the truth upon Humphrey Forde.
I understand at last," he said, and,
though he spoke quietly, the girl
shrank as If she had received a blow.
You wrote two letters at the same
time, I suppose and, somehow, by
mistake, you sent to me the message
intended for another man for Hey
wood? Is that your meaning?"
"It must have been so. Oh, can you
ever forgive me?" she cried misera
bly.
Humphrey rose from his seat with
out a word, and paced up and down
the room, his brows knit his face dark
and stern. The silence grew unbear
able to Lettlce. If he would only
speak, even to cover her with re
proaches! Anything would be better
than this.
He turned at last and came and
stood before her.
You told me just now that you
loved me, and yet you meant to marry
Heywood," he said, as if a thought
had Just " struck him. "Do you love
him, too?"
I I like him," Lettlce answered.
with an effort "more even, or so I
thought this morning, than I liked you.
But I know now that I could never
have loved him, and I thank Cod that
at least my mistake has saved me
from doing him a cruel wrong."
Suddenly Humphrey took the girl's
two hands in his own with a grasp
that was almost rough!
Lettlce, when did you find this
out?" he asked in a tone that left her
no choice but to answer.
I found it out when you kissed
me," she wnisperea, so low tnai ne
had to stoop his head to catch the
words.
"Oh," can you care for me still, now
you know everything?" she cried.
'Do you think my love, then, so
slight-a thing?" he asked gravely and
tenderly.
"Child, do you know that you hold
my heart nay, I think my very lire
In the hollow of this little hand? I
think theje has never been a time
when I did not love you. Nay, sweet
heart look op and smile! This is no
time for tears. Are you thinking of
Will Heywood? He will console him
self in time, never fear. Things dp. not
go very deeply with so light a nature
as his. All the same, I do not think
we will let him know bow near a
thing it was for him, eh, little girl?"
Lettlce looked up with an April face,
smiling through her tears.
"I think you deserve something bet
ter than to be married by mistake,"
she said.
"A happy mistake for me, my Let
tlce," he answered. . "And my wife
shall be a happy woman if it. lies in
my power to make her one." Balti
more Herald.
Negotiable Draft in Sight.
"Dear," said the physician's wife,
"when can you let me have $10?"
"Well," replied the medical man, "I
hope' to cash a draft shortly and then
"Cash a draft? . What draft?" ,
; "The one I saw Mrs. Jenkins sitting
In this morning." Philadelphia Led
ger. - - -. -
Not a Negotiable Scroll.
"Why don't you try to write your
name on the" scroll of fame?"
"My friend," said Senator Sorghum
very earnestly, "I have never yet seen
anybody tearing leaflets out of the
scroll of fame and getting them cashed
at the bank."-rWa8hIngton gtar.
.. Roofs Above Tramways.
Roofs over the outside of the tram
way cars are being adopted at Shef
field, England. r
BARTER AT THE CROSS ROADS.
Two of the Natives Talk Two Day to
Make a Deal.
At Carter's cross roads I came upop
two native Tennesseeans who sat on a
log and whittled while they talked. One
of them bad an old silver watch and
the other owned the poor old mule
hitched to a post' They had come to
gether to make a trade and had been
talking for an hour and as I rode
off one of them Bald:
"I'll trade yo' even up, Jim, and If
that don't bit yo It's no use to talk
f urder." .
"I can't do It Tom," replied the
other. "That there mewl is wuth two
sich watches."
It was dark when I returned and
there sat the same two men and there
stood the same old mule. They were
talking trade as vigorously as ever
and as I rode away the "man with the
watch was saying: ,
"It's even up or nothin, Jim; Jist as
I told yo' before."
"Tom, I can't do It can't possibly
do it" replied the other.
Along toward night next day I rode
over to the same store on an errand
for Mrs. Williams and there sat the
very same two . men. I couldn't see
that they had moved an inch. They
weren't saying a- word, however. On
the contrary, both had their legs
swinging , over the -edge of the plat
form, their chins in their hands and
were looking down on the ground. I
saw the old mule lying dead on the
ground and between the two men lay
the watch. It had stopped dead still
and both hands were off the face.
"Do you know that your mule is
dead?" I asked the owner of the ani
mal.
"Of co'se," he replied.
"And your old watch has gone to
wreck?" I said to the other.
"Yes, sah."
"Did you sit here all night?"
"We did," they answered in chorus.
"But if the mule is dead and the
watch busted you can't trade.','
"Oh, that trade was off at midnight"
said the owner of the watch, "and
what we are dickerin' about now is
that yere saddle again my dawg."
DIXIE" CHEERED EVERYWHERE.
North No Less Enthusiastic Than the
South on Hearing; It-
"A singular thing about the tune of
'Dixie,' " said a Washington man who
does a good deal of traveling, "is that
it arouses quite as much enthusiasm
when it is played above Mason and
Dixon's line far above that line, in
many instances as it does when It is
played down South. I have often no
ticed this and wondered over it In
the Southern towns and cities, or even
In Washington, where Southern sen
timent predominates, it is the natural
thing for the cheers and the hand
clapping to begin when, for example,
a theater orchestra or musical per
formers on a stage strike up the tune
of 'Dixie,' but precisely the same thing
happens in the Northern cities. An or
chestra never gets into the swing of
'Dixie' in a New York theater that
the audience doesn't almost come to its
feet They cheer 'Dixie' vociferously
every time It is played in San Fran
cisco. They yell In approval of it in
Detroit and St Paul, and Cincinnati,
and in Chicago they hum it along
with the band or orchestra. Even
In chilly Boston they wake up and
Igive a hand to 'Dixie.' It's a lively
land inspiring tune, of course, but
don't think that fact exactly explains
why It Is that it arouses enthusiasm
in communities in the North, where a
Southerner would scarcely even expect
to hear it played, much less cheered,
'Maybe it's because there's a lingering
love all over the country for the old
South, and maybe it is" because there
is a pretty general and wholesome
sentiment all over the land for the
section that came out of the big fight
a good deal like the under dog; but
at any rate, 'Dixie's' the tune that gets
the biggest hand and-the wildest ac
claim, no matter where It's played.
from Michigan to the Gulf, and from
the Atlantic to the Pacific." Washing
ton Post ' -
Vulcanized Timber.
A considerable amount of interest
pays Scientific American, has been
aroused by the announcement as the
result of a prolonged series of experi
ments, of a method of so treating tim
ber as to secure even from soft wood
a largely Increased toughness and
hardness. The process is described as
one of vulcanizing, comparable in some
respects with Bessemer's process of
converting Iron Into steel, and Is the
invention of Mr. Powell, a Liverpool
merchant. The treatment to which the
timber is subjected is, roughly speak
lng, that of saturation at boiling point
with a solution of sugar, the water be
ing afterward evaporated at a high
temperature. The result is to leave
the pores and Interstices of the wood
filled in with ' solid matter, and the
timber vulcanized, preserved and sea
soned. The nature of moderately soft
wood, it is claimed, is in this way
changed to a tough and hard sub
stance, without brittleness, and also
without any tendency to split or crack.
It is also rendered remarkably imper
vious to water. Hard wood similarly
treated derives .similar benefits. More
over, it is claimed that the process
may be completed and timber turned
out ready for use in a few days.
Forgot Nothing.
Waiter Hem er haven't you for
gotten something?
Farmer Barns Oh, no, I guess not
I've et everything clean up.
Fitness of her part matters little to
the up-to-date actress if the fit of her
gowns is perfect
When two women talk the subject of
their conversation is conspicuously
absent. ": 1 ' . :".;,' '
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HUMORISTS. )
Pleasant Incident Occurring; the
World Over Sayings that Are Cheer
ful to Old or Toans-Funny Selec
tions that Ton Will Enjoy.
"You seem to be enjoying unusually
good health," said the friend of the
family. "The last time I was here you
were up against a severe attack of
dyspepsia."
"That's right." replied the Jovial head
of the household. "I bunkoed the un
dertaker out of a Job, all right, -all
right."
'How did you manage it?" was the
friendly interrogatory. v
"I eot hold of my wife s cookbook
and made a bonfire of it" was the sig
nificant reply.
Not Even a Comparison.
La Montt Yes, I heard them dis
charging a 10-inch gun the other day.
La Moyne You did not seem much
disturbed by the rumpus.
La Montt No, I heard my wife dis
charging the cook before I left home.
Fame Old liet.
'How many meals do they have at
you? boarding house?" asked the bosom
friend.
One," replied the boarder, sadly.
'What meal is that?"
'Oatmeal."
An Explanation.
Miles How did De Jones get to be
such a confirmed woman hater?
Giles Oh, he was a floorwalker in
a dry goods store for seven years.
The Conspicuous Medal.
Pianist You see those small medals?
Well, I got those for playing the piano
when I was in Germany.
Chorus But the large one, Herr
Hair, how did you get that?
Pianist Oh, that one, the people In
our flat gave me that for not playing
around home.
They Wanted Her to Go.
'Yes, daughter is going abroad to
continue her studies in singing."
'Indeed?"
'Yes. Everybody in our flat con
tributed to a fund to send her to Ber
lin. They were all so kind. They
wanted her to go as soon as possible
and some of them said they'd be glad
to send her still farther. And when
I asked them if they wouldn't miss her
voice they admitted that they would
for a time. And then they quickly add
ed that of course this mustn't stand in
the way of her going. And old Mr.
Bascomb said, in his serious voice:
What is our gain Is Berlin's loss. Of
course he meant it the other way. He's
so funny." Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Couldn't Do Worse.
"Tonne man." said the stern father,
"do vou think you are In a position to
support my daughter In the style to
which she has been accustomed?"
"Sure thing," replied the knowing
youth. "Why, only last week she re
fused to accompany me to the theater
because she trad nothing to wear."
Her First Impression. .
"What is that number on his auto
mobile?"
"Why, Jennie, that is the number of
the machine."
"Indeed! I thought it was the num
ber of people he had run down."
He. Knew.
Mrs. Hay top Hiram, what is a gilt-
edged investment?
Haytop Wal, I guess as how it's a
gold brick, Mandy.
Progressive.
Giles By the way, what became of
that fellow Skinnem who was in the
coal business here last winter?
Miles Oh, he sold out about a month
ago and went to Arizona. Last I heard
of . him he. was in Jail for robbing a
stage coach.
Giles In other words, he evoluted
from a light weighman to a highway
man. .
As It Should Be.
Husband (during the spat) Oh, well,
a man is supposed to tell a few lies
when he Is doing a courtship stunt.
Wife Yes, I suppose so; but it's up
to him to reform after he gets mar
ried. -
Natural Supposition.
"Ross," said the old-lnan, "I know
you are engaged to that young lady
and call on her every night
"What of that?" asked the youth in
the Ingrown hat.
"Well, er would you mind gif ing me
all the cigars that get broken in your
vest pocket?"
Belle's Garden.
Now in our little garden plot
Belle digs and plants with Joy; I wot
It will not tire me much to hoe
For most seeds . don't come up, you
' know.
Preliminary Steps.
Plng-What is the first thing to do
In learning to run an automobile?
, Pone The first thing is to get your
life insured and the second la to bare
an obese bank roll for repairs.
Should Be Encou raced.
"Suppose," said the beautiful girt,
gazing at the distant stars, "suppose
this old earth should stop revolving?"
"Nof while we are together," he
whispered, slipping his arm around
her.
"And why not?"-
Because 'love makes the world go
round.'"
In the Wooly West.
"Go in and tell the editor I am out
here with a horsewhip," cried the irate
citizen.
'Hell be very glad to bear it" re
plied the office boy. "He'll Just take it
away from you and sell it We had an
auction up here last week and sold a
dozen."
Barayard Repartee.
Little
Spring Chicken How do I
look?
Old Rooster-
Fit to kill.
Generally Does.
Silas So Zeke came back from col
lege with M. D. after his name. What
does that mean?
Cyrus Medical doctor, of course.
Silas H'm! I thought maybe it
meant "Many Debts."
The Evil.
Mrs. A. I wish my husband would
shave himself.
Mrs. Z. Then you wish him to econ
omize?
Mrs. A. No. it is not economy. You
see when he goes down to the barber
shop he reads all them old jokes in the
comic papers and springs them at
breakfast.
Retort Courteous.
Husband (during the spat) I
wouldn't be a fool if I were you.
Wife (calmly) My dear, I can read
ily understand that If you were me you
wouldn't be a fool.
Another View of It.
She A well-known writer says that
in order to succeed a man must be 95
per cent backbone.
He Oh, I don't know. A good many
who have managed to arrive are 95 per
cent cheek.
Taking It Out on the Family.
Mrs. Ferguson George, what partic
ular failing of yours did the preacher
touch on, in his sermon this morn
ing? Mr. Ferguson What do you ask me
that question for?
Mrs. Ferguson Because you have
been as cross as a bear ever since you
came home from church.
Keady Wit.
Binks (a coal dealer) I'm getting
awfully heavy.
Jinks (ail iceman) You don't look It
I guess you've been weighing yourself
on your own scales.
Heroic Boy.
Mamma (returning from a shopping
expedition down town) What on earth
has happened, Willie? Has the house
been on fire?
Willie-Nome. Them Bunker boys
dared me to ride the goat around the
parlor and up and down the stairs, and
I won't take a dare from nobody!
In the Gloaming.
They were sitting all alone on the old
rustic porch.
The young man was very bashful.
"Don't you know," he said, finally.
more to break the monotony than any
thing else, "some people are mean
enough to think I am a freak?" ,
"Well," replied the pretty girl, with
a yawn, "I think you are something of
an 'armless wonder' myself."
He took the hint
' Unbiased Criticism.
"What do you think I ought to get
for this painting?" asked the very
young artist.
"Well," replied the matter-of-fact
friend, "I think any judge would be
iustified in giving you at least six
months."'
Makes Good.
"Isn't Jimpson a young-looking man
for his age? He's 62, and he doesn't
look a day over 40."
"And sometimes, when you hear him
talk, you'd think he wasn't a day
over 5." '
To Fumieate at Sea.
Plans have been presented by 'the
eeneral manasrer of the Mexican-Amer
lean Steamship Co. to the surgeon-gen
eral of the public health and marine
hospital service which provide for the
establishment of a floating fumigating
nlant. the time required for fumigat
ing vessels while in transit being de
ducted from the five days they are re
quired to remain in quarantine before
belntr allowed to come up to the city
of New Orleans. The adoption of the
scheme would. It Is asserted, greatly
facilitate the intercourse between New
Orleans and Central and South Amer
ican norts. This is of particular con
sequence just now since the Chinese
Commercial Co. has adopted a short
route to New Orleans by steamers sail
ing to Manzanillo, instead of to San
Francisco, as heretofore. New York
Medical Journal.
People would be more willing to take
their whlppiHpUf the fact could be
concealed that they were getting one.
-
You may have a friend who will die
for you, but you have none "Who will
break la your shoes
Nell "You say that Just before he
proposed be took your bands and
kissed your' Kate "Yes." Nell
"Well; that's what I call Imprudence."
She Why do you suppose they have
all the telephone wires so high in the
Bir? He Oh, that is so they can keep
up the conversation, I suppose. Yon
kers Statesman.
Tramp "Is dls all yer kin gimme
er cupful uv cold water?" Kind
Lady "Of emirfie hot Ion can have '
as many cupf uls as yell want" Chi
cago Daily News-
Edyth "Yes, Jack Is Inclined to fllr
a little, but his heart Is in the right
place!" Mayme "Indeed! ' How long
has It been In your possession?" Chl-r .
cago Dally News.
A rainy day race: "So you lost
again?" "Of course.'? "Couldn't the
horse you bet on run?" "Yes; he could
run very well. But he couldn't swim."
Washington Star.
"A number of her old flames have
combined to present her father with
a fire badge." "Why?" "Because of
the speed and completeness in which
he put them all out" Judge.
Frllllla "Was your dinner a social
success?" Clorlnda "Yes, indeed.
You see, I was careful to Invite only
people who have the same kind of ner-y
vous prostration." Brooklyn Life.
"Where did your daughter and her
husband spend their honeymoon, Mr. -Goldbug?"
"Blest If I know. I can't
even find out where they spent all the
money they did." Washington Times.
"He had three days of grace left in
which to pay the note, and he moved
at once to the Arctic regions. I won
der why?" "Well, you know the days
there are six months long." Town
Topics.
Advantage of position: "Hold on!"
exclaimed the boy who was under;
"let's arbitrate this thing!" "There
ain't nothin' to arbitrate!" panted the
boy on top, pummeling him vigorous
ly. Chicago Tribune.
Ready for Easter: Deacon Cobbs
"William,, if your father should have
$10 and some one should give him $5,
what would he have?" William
"Nothing. But ma would have a new
hat." Chicago News.
She "Te milliner told me that she
bad been down to the dentist s to have
a nerve killed." He "Well, from the
prices she asks for hats, I should say
the dentist must have killed the wrong
one." Yonkers Statesman.
"Oh, let me like a soldier die!" ex
claimed the leading man of the barn
stormers. "Oh, if I only had a gun!"
exclaimed some one in the gallery, in
a tone that savored of genuine sym
pathy. Chicago Daily News.
'To what do you attribute the prop
erties of your springs?" asked a visitor
at a health resort "Well," answered
the proprietor, thoughtfully, "I guess
the advertising I've done has had
something to do with It" Puck.
Automobile perils: "Yes, our 'Black
Spook, was demolished by running
Into a barn." "Then I suppose you
had to walk?" "No, we had to run.
The farmer came after us with a pitch
fork and a bulldog." Philadelphia
Record.
Overwhelming evidence: Judge
You deny persistently that you com
mitted the act, and yet the description
fits you exactly a beautiful face.
youthful appearance, pretty little foot"
Woman defendant "Judge, I confess
all." Tit-Bits.
New phase of it: "Yander goes
another specimen er de race problem!"
exclaimed Brother Dockey. "Where?"
Right yander dat man behind der
nigger Is de sheriff, en de nigger is
leadin him by one hundred yards!"
Atlanta Constitution.
"So you are not going to Europe
again?" "Not for a long time," an
swered Mrs. Somrox. "It is our in
tention to live in America, thereby
calling attention to the fact that we
can afford to pay the highest prices
for everything." Washington Star.
Mrs. Hiram Offen "That will do!
You'll leave on Saturday, and you
needn't bother me about a recommen
dation." Bridget "Shure, OI hov no
intintion of glvin' ye a recomminda
tion. Oi'll tell the truth about ye to
Ivery gurl that axes me." Philadel
phia Press.
"That first wife of mine never could
take a joke." "But she took you once."
"Don't get personal. When she got
her divorce from Belmooilt last week
I sent her a message wishing her many
happy returns of the. day, and now
she refuses to even nod when we
meet" Chicago Record-Herald.
Dealer "These are tbe most beauti
ful cutglass tumblers we have; ?48
a dozen." Mrs. Housekeep "I'll take
them, but I want you to label them
Seconds. Imitation cut-glass, $1.50 a
dozen.' " Dealer "That's rather a re
markable request" Mrs. Housekeep
"Yes; it's merely to deceive the servant
girl." Philadelphia Press.
"Professor," said the bad young man
of the class "the scientists tell us the
anthracite supply of the world will be
completely exhausted In a. little over
sixty years. What are we to do for
fuel then?" "My friend." replied the
venerable man, "by that time, In all
probability, you will have gone where
the fuel supply is Inexhaustible."
Chicago Tribune. '
An Excuse.
"Balcony peats!" sniffed the haughty
beauty. "I assure you, Mr. Stlnjay, I
am not accustomed to sitting In the
balcony."
"Well er you see," stammered Stln
jay, "to tell you the truth, I would
have asked for seats downstairs, but
I didn't know whether it was pro
nounced 'parket' or 'parkay, and I
hated to show my ignorance." Phila
delphia Press. V
The labor, question will never be
solved until the necessity for work
lg eliminated.