Corvallis gazette., October 17, 1902, Page 4, Image 4

MEN WHO
Boring reaching used iiv soft coal Biiae
ET ba8 been impressed upon the people of this country during the past few months thatthere Is vastly more in the
subject oi coal muting than has ever come to light in the books of statistics. Coal, as everybody knows, is divided, into
"sotr and "hard," otherwise known as bituminous and anthracite. Soft coal is mined to tlhe extent of nearly four times
thC appeal to statistics will show that of the coal annually mined in the world estimated at about 840000,000 tons
the United States produces nearly 290.000.000 tons (that is-the output of last year), or not far from one-third the total
nrLnot Until vear before last the United States ranked second as a coal producing country. wlthGreat Britain in
?h l rf ht that vea our country forged to the front with an excess over Johnny Bull of some 5,000,000 tons. Last
year tnese coun rfes prduX restively, the United States 288,000,000 tops Great Britain 246,000 000 tons, and
by now the Britons are left hopelessly behind, for we are supplying the world with coal and sending it to the very porta
from which a short time ago John Bull was himself shipping it to foreign parts. - . .
While the estimates for nave
iqnn whun we nroduced a total of about zo-t.wu.uuu ions or com, ui ""'v""'""'" " " , ' "
iSSooSx tons Wtumruous. valued respectively and approximately at $103,000,000 and $220 000,000 I So t seems that
the flSres award bituminous coal the palm not only for total production in tons, but for value While the tonnage of
,. s ma-rieat la Til ii v tMi Tier ceui zremer uau t waa iv.u jtais
coal has increased nearly fourfold, and its army of miners has kept pace with its enormous advance Twenty years ego
it was estf mated that the available tonnage of bituminous coal in Pennsylvania exceeded 33,547.200,000 tons, and last
rear it produced in excess of 85,000,000 tons. All the coals of the Appalachian field, it is said are bituminous, and most
o the contributed throughout the United States in its vast fields, extending from New England to California, is of
that character. The Appalachian field is roughly reckoned as lying Immediately west of the eastera frontier -of the
Appalachian mountains, extending from New lorn estate to Aiaoama, a UHia i " " " "
Is hardly a "patch" upon what is known to exist in the farther and middle west, though it is 20,000 square miles in
" " . , A : fh TTninn west of Mfl aaaohusctts and south of the great lakes has its immense field, chiefly
J, . j . i-hit.,minniia ona
The soft coal miners are, as a rule, more contented than the hard coal men, and this is owing not so much to any
improvement in their condition as compared with the others, but somewhat to ttheir nationality. Most of the original
ZXoTs m ners were Cornishmen, sturdy, hardworking and frugal. Of late years there has been an intrusion
of half wild roles, Huns and other immigrants, so that conditions are not exactly the same now as they used to be.
But in the main the soft coalers are well housed, well dressed and good mannered. Many of them have neat little
houses with gardens attached, and as their rents are low, their fuel to be hadalmost for nothing and the wear nd
tear of their clothing, especially of their boots and shoes, nothing to be compared with that of the hard coaler, their
necessary PJthrwhole social conditions are more conducive to well being in the soft coal districts
than in the hard. As these districts are usually near the agricultural regions, the miners are well and cheaply sup
plied with food.
LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE.
It Is well to wander sometimes in the
land of Make-Believe,
Through its ever-smiling gardens, where
the heart may cease to grieve,
Where the beds are gay with roses and
the paths are paved with gold,
And our hopes, like soaring songsters,
their mercurial wings unfold.
Let us all be little children for a while
and make our way
Through the sweet nad sunny meadow
land of Make-Believe to-day.
There's a Queen within an arbor, where
she rules in high renown,
With a lily for a scepter and a rose
wreath for a crown,
And her laws are love and laughter, for
they know not sorrow there
Never hate or pain or money enters In
her kingdom fair.
So we sing the songs the children sing
and play the games they play
As we wander in the golden land of
Make-Believe to-day.
St. James' Gazette.
The Overland Eastbound
t
r ER name was Eulalie, but every-
i.. in. mil. i tm. rr.io
"Old Man" Lebrun, her father,
had started Elkton. lie came down as
a hunter and trapper in the old days
when the territory was as primeval as
his own Canadian frontier, but when
the wild game was pretty well hunted
out and the white emigrants and the
soldiers commenced to come he turned
freighter, and later, when the copper
caiup started at Goose Creek, he blazed
a stage route thither and founded the
traffic that made him rich for a fron
tiersman. When Mrs. Lebrun died
Dottle was a chubby, big-eyed eld of
4 and so the women, who were few,
and the men, who had never more
than one tender side In their make-ups
in those harsh days, petted the child
and made life very' sweet and radiant
as she grew. Now she was 20, with
the eyes of a doe, so. lustrous and won
dering; broken skin, peeling a little
from her oval face from the whipping,
sand-spattered winds of the plains, the
foriri of a stately woman and the heart
of a yearning child. She had been
"through school," had taught In it for
a term and was esteemed as the most
learned inhabitant of Elkton "next to
Parson Davies and Squire Beeno," and,
perhaps, Frofessor Swinton, who was,
however, a newcomer and therefore
yet on probation.
Trofessor Swinton "stopped" at Le
brun's. lie was a New-Yorker, frank,
boyish, unaffected, gentle and gener
ous. He laughed deprecatingly at the
"professor" Idea, for he was only a
"principal" of the three-room school,
and he had that admirable desire, to
be called by his given name that is
strong in all young, ingenuous natures.
Ills coming had made quite a "differ
ence" with Eulalie, and they had come
along so well in their acquaintance
that she now called him "Mister Mau
rice." and he said "Miss Eulalie." He
had told her many wondrous things
about New York and the world that
lies beyond and apart from the sand
girt silences of her home, of the splen
dor and folly, of the pageantry and
the mockery, of the canon-like streets.'
the glories, the squalor, the romance
and the emptiness of the life he had
left to grow up, as he said, with the
free West. Sometimes he told her love
stories, of which she forgot to ask
him, "How do you know?" and silent
and eager-eyed, like the child In the
nursery at night, she only listened and
hoped that his legends might never
come to an end.
Sometimes, when the sun had gone,
they rode their ponies away into the
short grass, end 'ess plateaus, that dip
MINE THE SOFT COAL
peen compiiea yei me
which fnmlshes labor for thousands and
and rise above the mesa walls of the
little town; sometimes they galloped
through the narrow trails of the re
moter hills, but always she listened,
smiling half sadly, half raptly, and al
ways he told his quaint jokes, his true
tales of real fairies, and his romances
of the Babylons she might never see.
One day he got a fat letter from the
East, and when he had read It and
laughed over It, and held up the check
which it brought, he ran into the hall
way and called for Miss Eulalie. She
had ridden Into town, her father said,
"to trade." Maurice went to the cor
ral and saddled his pony. It was Sat
urday, his holiday. He galloped gaily
down the dusty road, sniffing the hot
wind and twirling his quirt like a man
with good news. He met Eulalie In
the main street, just mounted upon her
old white pony, and waved his letter
at her.
"Aunt Von Werdon Is dead. Miss Eu
lalie," he said, stopping and looking
at her merrily.
"That one that gave the tea party to
the cats and kittens? But you're sor
ry, ain't you, Mr. Maurice?" she asked,
wondering at his levity.
"Yes and no. You see, she had only
two reasons for living cats and me.
She preferred the cats, and then she
was old beyond computation but I
will say that she did better by me
than I had a right to expect See?
She has left me $500! I shall have
money to burn." And his eyes looked
wistfully Tip the heat-scourged street,
with Its reeking barrooms, Its empty,
wooden sidewalks and its dreary same
ness of frame-shanty stores. "Will
you wait till I cash this check, Miss
Eulalie?" he added; "I'd like to ride
home with you."
She rode into the shade of the town
well and let her pony drink while he
went to the bank. But when he came
back she said: 'It's train time, Mr.
Maurice," (with a pouting little grim
ace); "you know I love to see the train
go past. The Overland sidetracks here,
and I'd like to look at the people. Then
you might see somebody you know."
He laughed again at her childlike cu
riosity, and they paced down the street
toward the station. The Overland
whistled as they rode Into the space
by the depot and down by the side
track where the red watertank steam
ed In the burning sunlight He thought
she looked very beautiful as they wait
ed there, for -he was accustomed to
the rough buckskin gloves she always
wore, and he knew that the grace
which made her homespun gown seem
picturesque and appropriate, was none
of the dressmaker's art. The choking
sand swept down from the red mesa
and dusted her ebon hair as it flutter
ed abroad in the blistering wind. The
little drops of perspiration that started
and trickled dojvn her brown cheeks
made muddy streaks upon her hand
kerchief as she wiped them away.
The train, groaning and trembling as
It slowed down past them, brought
with It a tornado of dust and paper
that hid from him the sweet mouth of
the girl beside him, but when he look
ed up he saw that his face was near
the window of a private caT. Within
he could see the white and silver splen
dor of the traveling palace. In the
sconces of the walls were cut flowers
and lush vines trailing between the
windows. As the hiss of the engine
ceased he could hear the tinkling mu-
: sic of a serenade that he had not heard
1 since he left New York.
J "Let's ride up to the forward wln
; dow," Miss Eulalio," he said. "Sonie
' body Is playing the piano."
J When they were opposite the wln
j dow they could Bee a woman seated
: at the instrument, but as thefr shad
ows fell across the light she rose and
i came, facing them, as If to draw the
' shades. Eulalie saw the lily white
ness of her face, the great blue eyes,
il6vmftoJc4rarifre mine
" wTvi , 7Z r.nU A
adds materially to its wealth.
the yellow hair, the soft light hand
that rested an instant on the window's
sllL She must have dreamed the
smile, it was so beautiful, aud the
voice, bell-like and tender, as the lady
raised the sash, and, beaming like the
morning,--said:
"Oh. Maurice, Maurice, that Is you,
isn't It?"
Eulalie had not turned her eyes to
him before Swinton was down, flushed,
eager and trembling. He held out the
end of his bridle to Eulalie and she
took It mechanically, her Hps apart,
wondering as she always wondered.
The angelic face had vanished from
the window, and Maurice had gone
Into the car,, but Eulalie sat there In
the furnace breath of the sun and held
his pony. She did not hear the loco
motive bell nor the voice from the
platform shouting "all aboard." She
was yet dreaming. But the windows
slipped silkily past her, and presently
she was staring after the rushing cars.
yet wondering if Maurice would tell
her some stories about this fairy, the
first she had ever seen from that won
derland of his. But though she wait
ed for an hour he did not come back.
She asked the station master if Pro
fessor Swinton had left the train. No
body had seen him since he and she
had been sitting on their ponies to
gether.
"The next stop east Is Brussels," said
the agent. "If he gets off there he'll
be back on the night local."
So she left his pony at the depot,
rode slowly home through the dust.
and came back to the night local He
did not come. He never came to Elk
ton since, and Eulalie no longer won
! ders. She knows. The Argonaut
MARRIED A DYING MILLIONAIRE.
An operation that might prove fatal
being decided upon as a last resort to
cure Millionaire Bradford B. McGreg
or, New York, a Standard Oil magnate,
he hastily married Miss Clara Schlem
mer, a beautiful society girl, while he
lay on his sick bed. They had been
MBS. BRADFORD m'GBEGOE.
engaged for some time. McGregor did
not recover from the operation, and his
fair bride found herself widowed In a
few days. Before the ordeal McGreg
or, it Is said, had made a will leaving
his wife $1,000,000, In case of his death.
During his critical Illness she nursed
him with devoted care. McGregor was
burled at Cleveland, Ohio, his former
home.
Objeotsd to Noise.
Because they objected to noise some
residents of Patderson, N. J., buried a
church bell recently after it had been
taken down pending repairs in the
'church. The congregation later dug it
up.
A FABLE FROM REAL LIFE.
How Author of "Fables in Slang"
Lived Up to His Theory.
There Isa class of people and they
are not all women, either who can
not be convinced that whatever an au
thor writes Isn't autobiographical. If
a man writes a love sonnet he must
te In love, a theory which, If carefully
applied to some of our poets, would
prove that -they out-Solomon Solomon.
Such persons are rather vexing, for
one Is sure they would never read
Shakespeare's sonnets If they didn t
believe there was a woman Involved,
and they simply glory in the fact that
poor little David Copperfleld Is said to
be the boy ' Dickens himself. To all
such this story may have interest
It Is about a fable by George Ade,
the past-master of slang. The fable
tells of two men, the one who wouldn't
learn botany, but got out and Dug for
the Rocks, or something of that sort;
the other who said, "Nay, nay, a cul
tured mind Is the real thing; I'll go
through college, and then be It" or
something of that sort Anyway, the
first who had "bloodshot handsC (that
quotation is exact), got out and rustled
for the cash so effectively that by the
time the second was earning $50 a
week as a professor, and was still only
an A. M., he came to the same college
with $50,000 be had forgotten to take
out of his pocket when he changed
his "pants" (the professor doubtless
wore trousers), saw a new gymnasium
was needed, gave thes $50,000 and was
made a Ph. D. The laugh seemed to
be on number two.
Now, according to James O'Donnell
Bennett who is well known In the
atrical circles, being now connected ,
with the business ena oi miss Mar
lowe's productions, George Ade him-t
self might stand ror numDer one in
some way, and Bennett and several
more for number two.
"You see," said Bennett, "before
Ade was famous, when he was just
a newspaper man with the rest a lot
of us used to have quarters In Chi
cago where we retired at night, when
the day's grind was over, and stud
iously set about Improving our minds.
But Ade wouldn't join us. While we
were reading the sixty-seventh volume
of the 'Life of Johnson' he would be
down in all sorts of joints, setting up
cheap variety actors and the like to
beer and ham sandwiches.
" 'George,' we would tell him, 'you
are not doing right by yourself. You
should study and Improve your mind,
not waste your spare time in cheap
and riotous living. Come with us; win
culture,-not slang.'
"But Ade kept on setting up the beer
and learning slang. We cut the leaves
In the sixty-eighth volume of Boswell.
And now and now, we have minds
more or less improved, but Ade draws
a salary of $500 a week, and goes to
the Waldorf! There's your fable, to
the life." New York Tribune.
Lives in a Fairy House.
The water spider runs about on the
leaves of aquatic plants and catches the
Insects that live among them; but the
nest in which this spider lives is a silk
bag, filled with air, and It is anchored
beneath the water. Its opening points
directly downward, so thatTio air can
escape when the spider enters It
After the nest has been made large
enough, the spider proceeds to fill It
with air In the most remarkable way.
She carries it in, just as human people
might carry coal or wood or water into
their houses. Going nearly to the sur
face, she puts the end of her body out
of the water for an instant, then jerks
it quickly under, with a bubble at
tached, crosses her hind legs over It
and descends to the nest Into which
she then allows the bubble to escape.
This Is repeated until the nest is filled
with air.
The spider has chosen this singular
abode to escape destruction by water
fowL The leaves of most aquatic
plants lie flat upon the water, and offer
only few places where the spider could
hide from enemies.
The thought of a house of silk, filled
with air, says the New York Tribune,
and anchored In a crystalline, sparkling
liquid, would do for a fairyland story,
but here It Is In real life.
Where Wax Is Mined.
In several parts of the world a resin
ous substance called ozocerite and bear
ing considerable resemblance to bees
wax is found, usually In connection
with rock salt and coal. There are de
posits in Austria, Russia, Roumanla,
Egypt, Algeria, Canada and Mexico,
but ozocerite has, so far, not been dis-
covered in sufficient quantities to pay
for mining anywhere except in the dis
trict of Roryslav, in Austrian Gallcla,
and on an island on the west coast of
the Caspian Sea.
In mining this mineral wax shafts
are sunk until a bed or "nest" of ozo
cerite is struck. Then connecting gal
leries are driven. There is considerable
danger and many lives have been lost
in consequence of the sudden forcing
up of the soft wax into the shafts by
the enormous pressure to which it is
subjected. It is used largely for man
ufacturing ceresin, says the Brooklyn
Citizen, which is employed, together
with beeswax, for making wax candles,
as well as in the manufacture of phono
graphic cylinders, and for many similar
purposes.
Progress of Cremation.
That veteran advocate of cremation,
Sir Henry Thompson, has published in
the Lancet a statistical account of the
progress of this movement which
should interest those who regard cre
mation as the only satisfactory mode
of disposing decently of the dead, hav
ing regard to the safety of the living.
At Woking 2,097 cremations have ta
ken place, beginning with 3 in 'the
year 1885 and ending in 1901 with 273.
In 1901 there were, besides 95 at Man
chester, 40 at Liverpool, 18 at Glas
gow, 17 at Hull and 2 at Darlington.
.Leicester will have a crematorium In
a few months, and the Institution in
course of erection in the north of Lon
don will be ready before the close of
1902. The United States has 26 cre
matories, of which 24 are In use. At
Fresh Pond, N. Y.. 654 bodies were
cremated in 1901, 666 at San Francis
co (Odd Fellows), and 182 at Chicago.
In Paris, from 1809 to 1901, 2,299 pri
vate cremations took place. San Fraa-
Cisco Chronicle.
1
a rhiLiE- rim ititc
During last year, according to a re
port recently issued by the Alpine Club,
119 persons lost their lives while climb
ing the Alps more than double the
number for the previous year. Most of
the accidents occurred In the neigh
borhood of Chamounlx and were due to
the foolhardiness and inexperience of
tourists. The number of accidents suf
fered by experienced climbers was com
paratively small.
Switzerland and the Tyrol are becom
ing the holiday ground for more and
more people every year, and it may be
expected the lives lost will be in the
same proportion. The Increased num
ber of accidents is therefore exactly
what might have been expected. When
one tourist attempted to scale a rocky
mountain side or a glacier ten years
ago there are twenty or perhaps fifty
nowadays with the delusion that any
body with an alpenstock and a pair of
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE,
CREATED A
nvr.RHSSM in DAVID BREMNER HENDERSON, who refused to try
f(- for re-election in the Third District of Iowa because of opposition t the
tariff views of some Republican colleagues, has served his constituents ten
terms. He was born in Old Deer, Aber
deenshire, Scotland, March 14, 1840. The
family came to America in 1846 and set
tled on a farm in Winnebago County, I1L
Three years later the family acquired a
large tract of government land in Fayette
County, Iowa, which became known as
Henderson prairie. Young Henderson
attended country school, and at the age
of IS he entered Upper Iowa Colloge
and remained there and in the harvest
field until the Civil War began. One
morning he spoke in the university chapel
and asked the students to enlist. Twenty-one
followed him. He went out Into
the country and, within a week enlisted
104 men and was made lieutenant He
fought at Fort Henry, led a desperate
charge on Fort Donelson, where his jaw
was fractured by a bullet. In the battle
of Corinth Hendersop lost, a leg. He
returned home and worked in the Iowa
enrollment board.
In 1865 Col. Henderson was appointed
internal revenue collector, but resigned
to practice law, becoming successful in
Dubuque. In 1882 the congressional
nomination was unanimously offered him, he accepted and was elected. In his
ten consecutive terms he was nominated each time by acclamation. He was
elected Speaker of the House Dec. 4, 1899, and was re-elected in 1901.
A FAMOUS JURIST.
Former United States Supreme Court
Justice Horace Gray.
The death of Horace Gray, at his
home in Nahant, Mass., removed one
of the most eminent of American Jur
ists. Justice Gray
had been In falling
health for some
time. He suffered
a stroke of apo
plexy a few
months ago, and
from this he never
sufficiently recov-
5f ered to resume his
auiiea in
ted States Supreme
Court Upon his
justice gray. retirement he was
succeeded by Justice Oliver Wendell
Holmes, also a resident of Massachu
setts. Justice Gray came of a family long
noted In the legal profession in Massa
chusetts. He was born in Boston seventy-four
years ago. He graduated
from Harvard College In the class of
1846, and from the law school In 1849.
He was shortly admitted to the bar
and rose rapidly In his profession. In
1854 he was appointed reporter of de
cisions of the Supreme Court of Massa
chusetts, and served till 186L Three
years later he was chosen associate jus
tice of the same court and chief jus
tice in 1873. Here he gained an en
viable reputation as a jurist He was
named as associate justice of the Su
preme Court of the United States Dec.
19, 1881. by President Arthur.
Justice Gray was a great all-around
lawyer. He was a recognized authority
in admiralty cases. During recent
years he rendered the opinion of the
court in many Important cases. He
was with the majority of the Supreme
Court justices in the Income tax and
Inguiw cases and decided that the Uni
Last Tear While Mountain
Climbing 119 Persons
Perished.
hobnailed boots can do either, and,
what Is worse, most of them are so con- smiles."
fldent of their own ability that'they a Clever Lawyer: "Is he a good law
will not take the precaution to employ yer?" "A good lawyer! Why, say! I
competent guide. have known him to prove the truth of
Nothing attests the nerve and the
coiirasre And endurance of a man as
does mountain climbing, and it Is quite f
as much of a science as any other form
of athletic sport Experienced men
can tell at a glance the safest and the
most accessible paths and where and
between what hours there will be the
least risk of falling stones. Swiss
guides who have been taken to the
Andes and to the Himalaj-as and even
to our own American mountains have
never failed to accomplish ascents
which men without experience have
considered impossible. It Is simply a
matter of ability acquired by long and
patient study, yet any ordinary tourist
Imagines that because one man can ac
complish the feat another may do the
same even if he has never seen a
glacier. The greatest number of acci
dents occur upon Mont Blanc., because
that is the easiest to reach and most
fashionable of all the Swiss mountains,
but at the same time it is the most dan
gerous because of meteorological con
ditions. The weather is likely to change
at any time, and when a snowstorm
comes the danger is greatest
While a party of American tourists
were descending the Matterhorn some
time ago a mass of rock fell and hurled
several of the party down an Ice gorge,
killing them instantly. The illustra
tion to the right shows how the acci
dent occurred. The party was de
scending the mountain when the slip
which caused the fatality occurred.
The lower Illustration shows a party
leaving Zernatt to climb the Matter
horn. WHO
SENSATION BY RETIRING.
SPEAKER HENDERSON AT HIS DESK.
ted States had no right to seize fishing
smacks supposed to be carrying aid to
the Cubans. Justice Gray delivered
the opinion of the Supreme Court that
Congress had the power to make the
treasury notes of the United. States le
gal tender in payment of private debts
In time of peace as well as In war.
The deceased jurist was a man of
commanding figure. He stood six feet
six Inches and was solidly built. In so
cial life he was affable and unreserved,
and among those who knew him well
was regarded as one of the most polite,
genial and courteous of men.
The Piano Typewriter.
After six years of continuous, patient
and Industrious labor, Paul J. Clenanth,
of Buffalo, has Invented what he calls
the piano typewriter, and It is said to be
one of the inventions of the age.
The piano typewriter Is an invention
which will prove decidedly useful to
any person who plays the piano, and es
pecially to composers or bandmasters.
If a composer has a desire to write a
new piece of music all that is necessary
for him to do Is to attach the new in
vention to his or her piano and play
what he thinks will make good music.
When he finishes, the notes that he has
played will be printed on a sheet of pa
per and will be ready for publication.
If he hld the note for a quarter or half
the machine will print a quarter note;
If a half note is wanted he will hold the
cord for two beats and a half note will
be printed.
Proof of Her Beauty.
Barnes Is the girl pretty?" .
Shedd Beautiful! That Is to say, my
wife doesn't like her a bit I haven't
seen her myself, you know. Boston
Transcript
If we were a woman, we would be
careful of what we said to the woman
who goes around with a handkerchief
ready to weep with you.
A home remedy: "Do you think coal
oil is good for mosquitoes?" 'I think
a hard sls- Is better." Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
"Mannish sort of girl." "Is she real
ly?" "Very. She used the telephone
for the first time in her life to-day, and
she didn't giggle once."
Tough: "Oh, Henry, don't cut your
pie with a knife." "Eliza, yon ought ,
to be thankful I don't call for a can
opener." Chicago Record.
Brlggs What's your idea of heaven?
Griggs Well, it's the way a man feels
the first three days after he is home
from a summer vacation. Life.
Lis Object: Citiman I see you raise
your own vegetables. Suburbanite
No! I simply plant a small garden so
ns to keep the chickens at home. Life.
Reporter You are so confident . of
catching this criminal you must have a
strong clew. Detective We have. He
didn't wear a Panama. -New York
Sun. .
"The singer has made great strides
In the profession, hasn't she?" "Yes.
Indeed. Formerly, when she received
an encore, she sang; now she usually
what Isn't so, and not half try." Chl-
casro Post.
Making love:
"As a mere matter of
curiosity, sir, I should like to know
how long you have been making love
to my wife?" "I began, sir, when you
left o!f." Life.
Mother Did the professor propose?
Daughter Dear me, mother, he was
on the very verge of It, and I foolishly
happened to mention bacteria. De
troit Free Press.
"Papa, what Is the difference be
tween the smart set and the four hun
dred?" "Why, my sou, the four hun
dred is limited to twenty-six hundred,
but everybody Is in the smart set"
Life.
Our Two Great Classes: The world
seems to be divided into two classes;
those who board, and envy those who
keep house, aud those who keep house,
and euvy the boarders. Atchison
Globe.
"And you still insist that your flying
machine Is a practical commercial
quantity?" "I do," answered the business-like
Inventor; "If you don't believe
it I can show you the gate receipts."
Washington Star.
Magistrate Now, I'll let you off this
time, but it must be a lesson for you
not to be in bad company again. Pris
oner Gee whizz! it ain't my fault that
I'm here; the cops made me come.
Philadelphia Record.
Lawyer Brief I see that case of
yours is on. Jury drawn yet? Lawyer
Skinner Yes, and It's a splendid one.
Lawker Brief Above the average In
intelligence, eh? Lawyer Skinner No;
way below It. Philadelphia Press.
At Two Dollars a Visit: "Yes," the
doctor has put me on the strictest kind
of diet." "Indeed. What is it?"
"Well, he says I mustn't eat anything
I don't like, and not any more than I
want of what I do." Baltimore News.
"What are you doing?" asked the jus
tice as the defendant's counsel began
his argument "Going to present our
side of the case." "I don't want to
hear both sides," replied the justice.
"It has a tindincy to confuse the coort."
Driver Did you mark the spot
where your comrade fell out of the.
boat and was drowned? O'Lafferty
Shure, Oi did. Oi took a piece av wood
an' left it floatiu' on th' wather at th
very place he went down, sor. Ohio
State Journal. . .
The Real Thing: "Are you a real In
dian?" asked the Investigating youth
of one of the paluted Indians who ac
companied Buffalo Bill's Wild West
Show. "Sure!" replied the Indian; "I
was born an' raised in Indianapolis,
Indiana." Exchange.
Mrs. Wederly (unmasking after the
fancy ball) Oh, but didn't I fool you,
though? You had no idea that you
were flirting with your wife all the
evening. Mr. Wederly No, I hadn't;
you were so very agreeable I was com
pletely deceived. Tit-Bits.
The danger of a little knowledge:
"Don't you sometimes regret that you
did not devote more time to your edu
cation in early life?" "No, sir." an
swered the politician; "if I had learned
to talk grammatical the voters in my
district would think I was puttin' on
airs and driftin' away from the hearts
of the people." Washington Star.
"Why did you insist on getting me
an upper berth in the sleeping car?"
asked the habitually austere lady.
"Well," answered her irrepressible
niece, "you have been expecting for so
many years to find somebody under
your bed that I thought It might re
lieve your mind to have all doubts on
the subject removed at once." Wash-,
lngton Star.
"Yes," said the young wife, "Henry
and I had some words this morning,,
and I can't deny that he got the best
of it" "That will never do," returned
the experienced neighbor. "You can't
afford to start in married life that
way." "I know It" answered the
young wife. 'I've thought it all over,
and when he comes home to-night I'm
going to bring him to terms so quick
that he'll hardly know what's happen
ed." "That's right my dear. Show
some spirit What are you going to
do?' "I'm going to bring up the sub
ject again and then cry."
Hard on tbe Baby.
The Philadelphia Times is responsible
for the following:
A Canadian firm recently placed with
the Montreal and Toronto newspapers
an advertisement of a new nursing bot
tle It had patented, and was about to
place on the market After giving di
rectons for use, the "ad." ended in this
manner:
"When the baby Is done drinking, it
must be unscrewed and laid in a cool
place, under a tap. If the baby does
not thrive on fresh milk, it should be
boiled."