if:
. -
THE LIVING MUSE.
Horace calls no more on me, ' "
Homer in the dust-heap lies;
I have found my Odyssey
In the lightness of her glee,
In the laughter of her eyes."
Ovid's page is thumbed no more.
E'en Catullus has no choice!
There is endless, precious lore, '
Such as I never knew before,
In the music of her voice.
Breath of hyssop steeped in wine,
Breath of violets and furze,
Wild-wood roses, Grecian myrrhs.
All these perfumes do combine
In that maiden breath of hers.
Nay, I look not at the skies,
Nor the sun that hillward slips,
For the day lives or it dies.
In the laughter of her eyes.
In the music of her lips.
Bookman.
23 h
E was looking at May's portrait
a lovely little miniature when
the housemaid brought the pack
et to him. The girl entered timidly,
with a furtive glance at her master,
for whom her heart was bleeding.
No sign of tears either past or pres
entwas visible in the young man's
eyes. They were hard Jand bright.
Hard, also, was his face, and the
clenched lips like adamant .
He took the thick envelope, glanced
at the clerkly writing, and at the back,
upon which was stamped in blue let
ters, "W. Robinson & Co." Then he
. flung it on the table, and as the servant
; left the room, the sound of harsh
daughter broke upon her ears. . She fled
' to the kitchen, and with scared face
' whispered that she thought poor Mr.
Ord must be going mad.
He had written a few days before to
; William Robinson for those patterns
that he might choose the materials for
his wedding suit May was so particu
lar about what he wore. He used to be
a little careless about his dress once.
Then, in his endeavor to gain May's
approbation, he had overdone it In the
opposite direction, sporting collars of
absurd height, and Impossible ties, en
during like a martyr the pinch of pat
ent leather shoes a size too small for
him, and getting himself a little chaffed
by appearing in suits which were un
mistakably in advance of the fashion.
May, with gentle tact had changed all
this.
: He had written for the patterns from
: Robinson's a few weeks before -the im
portant suit should be needed, as he
. wanted to have May's opinion wlthre-
gard to the materials. He consulted
her about everything. He had ho sis
ters, and until the last year when the
death of an uncle and the inheritance
J. of a fortune had made him his own
master he had lived a solitary life in
a remote country town with the rela
tion by whose sudden death he was en
riched. - .
.fter that laugh of harshness which
,?
; . had so startled his servant, Laurence
. Ord went back to the study of May's
' portrait. A sob of anguish broke In a
;":groan from Ord's pale lips. He had
l i.tried to realize that those dancing eyes
! were closed forever. :
. The idea of May May, the merriest
little person in the world lying cold
- and silent was too much for the young
man who last had seen her having a
wild game with a kitten on the deck of
: a friend's yacht
" ; He had dreaded that little cruise more
than he could say. He had all but ask
ed her not to go, but from this he had
refrained, deeming It mere selfishness.
"You don't mind me going, Laurie,
do you?" she asked, when the trip had
been first suggested, and with a little
pleading look in her eyes which was
Irresistible, especially as he had not yet
the absolute right to give or withhold
permission. "I'll only . be gone three
weeks, and then If you still have a
mind to you may take me and keep me
forever. A large order, Laurie! Shall
you want me for so long,' do you
v think?"
fie had gone to see her off on board
the Orchid, andhe had stopped In the
middle of one of her airy whirls with
; i the kitten and a piece of scarlet ribbon.
.. i) "Mind you have the patterns ready
by the time I comeback!"
v "xne yacnt urcnia, wnicn was
wrecked last night on the dangerous
reef outside Alwyn Bay, is the proper-
:-T ty of a Mr. Griffiths of London. All on !
board were saved except the unfortu- i
nate lady whose body was washed
ashore early this morning. It has been
Identified as that of Miss May Carden."
This was the paragraph which had
- caught the eye of Laurence Ord as he
yi had run over his morning .paper at
breakfast Afterwards he had come
Ht upon the first and longer account, but
rthis was evidently a little paragraph
Inserted when further Information had
, been received.
His senses had at first been blunted
1
by the shock. Now they were awaken
ed to full consciousness of the Immeas
urable pain. He laid the miniature
down, and began to walk about the
room. He moved things here and there.
He wound the clock then his nerveless
fingers dropped It with a crash. He let
It He where it had fallen.
He began mechanically to settle the
things on the table, to fold up the news
papers, and open his neglected letters.
He was fighting his pain.' The letters
were read without his being a whit the
wiser as to their contents. The packet
of patterns was the only thing that re
mained. . t
With another of those pitiful laughs
he ripped open the envelope. The laugh
changed into an Indescribable cry.
There were no patterns In the envelope.
Instead there were three thick sheets
of notepaper, each of which had "Wal
ter Robinson & Son, Solicitors, Alwyn
Bay," printed upon it The writing was
a penciled scrawl a dear, familiar
scrawl.
Laurence' read it on his knees, sob
bing out his thanks to God. Three sen
tences and the signature will sufficient
ly explain: - - '
"I was brought ashore half-drowned.
Mr. Robinson, a lawyer, has
kindly given us shelter. Mr.
Griffiths Is addressing this.
Tour loving May." San Francisco Argonaut.
FIVE TIMES PRESIDENT OF THE
I Villi am T.aker-9!
Forty years ago last March W. T. Baker joined the Chicago Board of Trade,
and ever since has lived the strenuous life of an active member of that associa
tion. He has done other things as well. He succeeded Lyman J. Gage as presi
dent of the-World's Columbian" Exposition after having been one of its directors
for a year and also chairman of the committee on foreign exhibits. He was elect
ed for a second term as president of the fair, but illness compelled his resignation
and Mr. Higinbotham succeeded him. He was also vice-president of the Civic
Federation. On 'Change his interests have so invariably been on the side of
higher prices that there is a legend around the board to the effect that the only
property that ever fell after he bought it was the water in Snoqualmie Falls, in
Washington. Mr. Baker has been five times elected president of the Board of
Trade, serving in 1890, 1891, 1895, 189 i and 1897, the only man who ever held
the office three successive years. He could have had it a fourth year had he cone
sented. . '
HUMAN FINGER PRINTS.
There Are Possible Drawbacks to Their
Value in Identification.
The constancy of human finger prints
has chiefly been discussed in connec
tion with the identification of criminals.
Assuming that the evidence of finger
prints Is to be admissible in criminal
proceedings, it will be hot only neces
sary to prove that in the case of the
same man the finger prints remain un
altered, but that no two persons have
identical finger prints. Where is the
evidence of this?
There are propably 1,500,000,000 men
and women on the earth. Can -we sup
pose that no two of these have identical
finger prints?; Nor indeed is this all.
We may be comparing the finger prints
of a living man with those of one who
has been dead for years past, and the
doctrine of heredity might lead us to
expect to find similar finger prints In
the case of parents and children and of
different children of the same parents.
It is, at all events, certain that if this
finger print system were once intro
duced Into our courts of justice there
would be any amount of wrangling as
to whether they were identical or only
similar experts contradicting each
other and involving the whole subject
in confusion. :
Moreover, professional criminals
would probably soon find some mode of
altering their finger prints. No doubt
if the person who committed a crime
a murder, for example has left the im
print of his fingers on anything it may
prove an important clew, but the same
thing may be said of the imprint of his
boots or shoes. But a clew is one thing
and a proof is another thing.
Let me point out another difficulty. In
a country where there are a large num
ber of criminals whose finger prints are
collected, the number Of these will soon
be very large. How long would it take
to examine this collection in order to
find out whether any of them corre
sponded accurately with the finger
prints of the man who is now accused?
The task would, I think, be a hopeless
one. - .. -
That finger prints may be important
in the detection of crime whenever the
criminal has left the print of his fin
gers behind him I do not dispute but
without much stronger evidence than
we now possess that no two persons
have undistlnguishable" finger prints
such evidence ought never to be per
mitted to outweigh what appeared to
be a tolerably satisfactory alibi.
Knowledge. .
- The Plethoric Picnic Pie. -
That the joyous picnic season does
not bring peace and happiness to all
alike Is clearly shown by a composition
written on the subject by a girl in a
New York high school: . - - -
"May parties will soon be ripe, and
me June waiK season win roilow Card
upon. The difference between a Mar
party and a June walk is a simple
matter of chronology. Each has Its
queen of brief authority and its chap
WINNER OF THE AUTOMOBILE RACE
BETWEEN PA RIS AND BERLIN.
Henri Fournler, the winner of the automobile race from Paris to Berlin, has
long been known on the continent as the king of the automobilists. ; He first
used a petroleum tricycle for his road 'work. .With a machine of 1-horse power
he made ad average of more than forty miles an hour at a time when automo
biles were the merest novelties. . Thus it will be seen that he was no new hand in
the big race which has just been won at Berlin. Fonrnier is a veritable spectacle
on his machine. He flies along with bulging eyes cast ground ward, hair stream
ing in the wind, and his motor puffing like mad under him. He is so accustomed
to these hazardous trips that he is perfectly cool while traveling oyer a country
road at sjpress train speed. ' - :
CHICAQO BOARD OF TRADE
eron of absolute sway. Each has also
Its hamper, which is as deadly an ene
my to the Manhattan populace as the
frying-pan to the Kansas farm hand.
took an Inventory of one of these
hampers last year, and as 7 1 was a
member of the physiology class at the
time,, it startled me out of a session's
growth. -
'When the hamper was opened the
chaperon drew forth one bag of sand
wiches and one pie; one bottle of pick
les, one pie; one sponge cake, one pie;
one roast chicken, one pie; one bottle of
lemon juice, one pie; one bag of assort
ed cookies, one pie; one dozen doughnuts,-
one pie; one package of biscuits
and one pie. This was all, except that
there were a few extra pies at the bot
tom, for the purpose, I suppose, of
forestalling famine.
'The, chaperon wondered after lunch
eon why the girls and boys didn't enter
Into their play with as much zest as
they did when they -first arrived at the
Dark. I didn't. I was studying natu
ral history at the time, and only a few '
days before a lucid explanation had
been given why the boa . constrictor
takes a month's nap after dining on
far more digestible food than anything
I saw in Central Park that day."
Concert on Wife's Grave.
. Out of respect for the memory of his
wife, Jesse Mitchell played twenty-seven
pieces of music over her grave in
Pittston Cemetery. She died a year
ago. The strange concert was witnessed
by a large crowd, among them a num
ber of boys who jeered at Mitchell.
Others guarded the bereaved man as he
sat upon the newly made mound and
played the Scottish bagpipe for an hour.
Pittston correspondent Philadelphia
North American. . '
. Science Versus the Rat Pest
One of the professors at the Pasteur
Institute In Paris has discovered a mi
crobe that breeds a pestilence among
rats. ; Specimens of it have been tested
on farms and In warehouses with suc
cess. In one-half the cases the whole
colony of rats was destroyed; in other
cases, the number was greatly reduced.
Thus science will take the place of na
ture and the occupation of the cats will
be gone.
A True Story.
She (reading lazily) Why Is it that
this newspaper calls its column
"Through the Microscope?"
He (lighting a fresh cigar) Because
of the (puff) prodigious enlargement
requisiter-(puff, puff) to see the point
to most of the stuff that appears under
it Indianapolis Press.
' City and Country.
New York now leads all the other
States in the predominence of its city
over its country population. Of every
100 inhabitants of the Empire State, 77
live in cities and towns. The percent
age of the population living in cities
and towns for the whole country Is
only 4?. ..
sarvention
Another mountain observatory Is pro
jected. It is to stand at an elevation
of 6,000 feet near Semmering, in the
Austrian Alps. The neighboring val
leys are frequently filled with clouds,
while the chosen peak towers clear in
the starlight : - - - - :
It has been supposed that the Hert
zian waves, on which the wireless tele
graph depends for Its operation, went
through the ground as well as in the
air, for mountains offer no obstacle to
them. But M. La Grange reports to
the Paris Academy of Sciences that
the Hertzzian waves simply follow
along the ground, being directed by its
surface, and that tests show that they
do not penetrate the earth to a distance
of eighteen inches. The conclusion from
this is that there is little hope of se
curing underground wireless tele
graphy. T. J. J. See of the Naval Observatory
has announced the results of new meas
urements of Saturn and Its rings, which
differ somewhat from older determina
tions. He makes the exterior diameter
of the rings about 173,226 miles, the
equatorial diameter of Saturn 74,990
miles, and the polar diameter 67,395,
the difference between the two diame
ters being 7,595 miles, almost equal to
the entire diameter of the earth. Mr.
See's measures make the diameter of
Titan, the largest of Saturn's moons,
2,092 miles. It had previously been
estimated as high as 8,500 miles.
R. H. Yapp, an English naturalist
who has recently explored the moun
tain ranges of the Malay peninsula, re
ports the hitherto little known fact that
in several species of bamboo the hol
low internodes the parts Of the stems
between the joints are stored with
large quantities of naturally filtered
water. The knowledge of this fact
might be of great service in an emer
gency. Mr. Yapp also discovered two
species of ferns, growing on trees,
whose thick, fleshy stems are filled
with galleries tunneled by ants, the
ferns thus forming living nests for the
ants. , . "
A light electric railway for passen
gers and goods traffic in Russian Po
land, connecting the towns of Lodz,
Zglerz and Pabianlce, is now open. The
building of this railway has been grant
ed by the Russian government on the
condition that after twenty-eight years
the whole line and plant is to be hand
ed over to the government without any
compensation, and that after twenty
years it has the option of purchase.
Furthermore, the company has agreed
to pay a certain portion of the profits
to the government. This line is inter
esting, as it is the first electric railway
established in Russia.
In the constellation Gemini is a well-
known variable star, Zeta, of less than
the third magnitude. when brightest,
which, according to an estimate recent
ly set forth in the Observatory by Miss
Agnes M. Clerke, may be ranked among
the giants of starry space. ; The corn-
parative insignificance of Zeta Gemino-
ram among the visible stars appears to
be due to its enormous distance. - If re
moved equally far away, our sun would
be only one-thirty-seventh as bright as
Zeta Geminorum when at its maximum
brightness, and Miss Clerke computes
the gravltative power or the star at
225 times that of the sun.
A French writer, Henri Coupin, says
that the fact that notwithstanding
their simplicity, the songs of the birds
cannot be Imitated with musical in
struments arises from the Impossibility
of reproducing their peculiar timbre.
The notes of birds, while corresponding
with our musical scale, also include
vibrations occupying the intervals be
tween our notes. The duration -of birds'
songs is usually very snort, two or
three seconds for thrushes and chaf
finches, four or five seconds for black'
caps, but from two to five minutes for
the lark. . Monsieur Coupin remarks
that while one in every ten species of
European birds is tuneful, the propor
tion diminishes to only one in a thou
sand among the gorgeously clad birds
of the tropics.
TWO CASSOWARIES IN A FIGHT.
They
Use Their Feet to Kick
After
-' Style o Ostriches.
Although the cassowary' In captivity
has the reputation of being extremely
tractable and docile, he is terrible when
aroused. - j
A notable peculiarity of this is that
if any particular object attracts his
attention he will perform a sort of war
dance over It This happened at the
zoo when one of the cassowaries, which
are confined In cages near the malu
entrance, lighted upon a piece of gaudy
ribbon blown Inside the bars from the
hat or dress of. some woman visitor.
says the London Express.
He was one of the smallest of the col
lection, bnt he was of martial disposi
tion. After having carefully examined
the ribbon he started his war dance and
kept It up with great vigor for some
minutes. Just while he was at the
height of his. enjoyment a larger casso
wary came up and interfered with
him. - , -,; - - -
' He stood this for some time, but when
the larger bird attempted to oust him
from the spot in order that he In turn
might prance about the ribbon he re
sented the intrusion in no uncertain
style. : ' ' .
Kicking out vigorously on all sides.
craning his neck, snapping his beak,
elongating his body and hitting imag
inary blows with the horny mass which
cassowaries carry on the top of their
heads and which is called a helmet he
seemed torfiid defiance to all comers.
: The larger "cassowary, thinking ap
parently that he could treat the demon
strations of the light weight with con
tempt, commenced bustling the latter.
The two were ill-matched as regards
height, one of them .being above five
feet high and the other a foot or more
shorter, but the battle which ensued
showed that weight and height will uot
always tell.
Forward kicks were the main feat.ire
of the fight The cassowary, it is be
lieved, is the only bird, except perhaps
the ostrich, which uses this method of
attack and aerense, ana the way a cas
sowary can kick would warm the heart
of a French " boxer. He - can kick
straight out like a man, or he can do
the high kick like a music hall star.
At first the blows were delivered
chiefly on the breast and didn't fcnrt
much, bnt eventually the small bird
knocked the other one out with a mas
terly stroke delivered by the long sharp
claw of the inner toe on the wattles of
his antagonist
No fatal injury was done, but the
shock must have been terrific, for the
big bird uttered a peculiar cry and re
tired In confusion to its corner, while
the victorious one resumed Its war
dance.. It also had been severely pun
ished, l
SOMETHING ABOUT BOILS.
Slight Injuries, High. Living and Close
eha-vinar Alike May Cause Them.
Contrary to the common belief, boils
are not indicative ai diooo disease.
They are really indications of local
poisoning by pus-bearing germs, and
the boll is an abscess. Every pus prick,
every scratch, every abrasion, every
cut with a razor or pocketknife, every
splinter that enters the skin may
cause a boll. Nor need the wound be
a serious one; it may be so minute as to
be invisible to the unaided eye. Nor is
the result always produced, "for if it
should be, every slight wound, every
thorn pvlck, every scratch of a cat
every bite of a dog, every abrasion of
the skin, would be followed by disas
trous, if not fatal, consequences. The
reason for this immunity is that there
is a certain Inherent power of the body
to resist these noxious agents and It Is
only when the powers of the body aro
Weakened by disease that the morbific
agents can thrive In the body and ac
complish their evil work.
In this sense, then, boils are diseases
due to diseases of the blood, but it
not a disease in itself. High living also
favors boils. ; Dr. . Reld, speaking of
pus, and Incidentally of boils, says
'Job was probably run down by a long
period of debauchery. We read that the
devil had him in town some time be
fore his bolls broke out If, now, he
could have had the counsel of three
good physicians, instead of as many
tiresome theologians, he would have
had his system toned up; his broken
potsherd, with which 'he scraped him
self withal,' thus spreading sympathy,
and infection would have been taken
from him, and he would have been
taught a few lessons in sanitary sci
ence instead of theology."
The reason why a boil -is always In
the worst place is because that is the
most exposed place. The back of the
neck, where the- collar rubs the mi
crobes into the skin; the wrist where
the cuffs irritate and make the entrance
of germs more easy; the top of the foot,
where the shoe pinches; the razor
swept chin are all favorite "worst
places." American Druggist and Phar
maceutical Record.
Wonders of Peat.
The London Leisure Hour says that
Herr Zschorner of Vienna has been ex
perimenting with peat for twelve years,
and has shown -conclusively that it
has many astonishing qualities. , In
Ireland, in particular, this intelligence
should be welcomed. ,
A building has been exhibited in
which everything, from the carpets on
the floor to the curtains in the windows
and the paper on the walls, was made
from peat The fibers of the remains
of the reeds and grasses of which peat
is composed have, of course, their orig
inal physical and chemical characters
changed, but the fibrous structure re
mains unharmed, and the fibers them
selves are very durable, elastic and
non-conductors of heat
Fabrics woven from them are found
to have the toughness of linen with the
warmth of wool. There is no textile
fabric that cannot be woven from these
fibers. Blankets and other coverings
used for horses and cattle have been
found to excel in warmth and cleanli
ness.
" Paper of several 'qualities has been
made, and the uses to which peat fiber
has already been applied indicate possl
bilitles that may render the peat-bogs
of Ireland a valuable addition to the
resources of that country 4 ".'-
A Novelty in Hospitals.
Floating over a three-story building
In the heart of the Sixth avenue shop
ping district In New York Is a Red
Cross flag. Strangers would suppose
that sick or wounded soldiers were be
ing cared for there, but the sign over
the door reads, "Dolls' Hospital.' And
none but sawdust-stuffed patients are
admitted. A corps of expert surgeons
and nurses is on hand to administer to
sufferers .who may have suffered from
accidents In the nursery. Many a flax
en-haired, doll Is sent from homes of
the wealthy, to be repaired at this
unique hospital, where modern surgery
makes possible some miraculous cures.
The attendants wear 'white aprous and
caps, and the superintendent is called
"Doctor." " To the children who call
with their pets he is of much more im
portance than the family physician, for
this doll surgeon cannot only amputate
limbs, but replace them as well.
Libraries for Lighthouse - Keepers.
Traveling" libraries are furnished for
lighthouse keepers. Neat cases, hold
ing from thirty-five to forty books,
are changed at every visit of the steam
tender that brings other" supplies.
These visits occur at Intervals of about
tfiree months, and the tender always
carries a dozen-or more bookcases. The
lighthouse keepers, as a rule, are not il
literate men, although a high grade of
education is not required to perform
their duties, but they are great readers
and call chiefly for fiction, biography
and books of travel. It is not generally
known that they are now appointed
under civil service rules after, competi
tive examination. Chicago Record
Herald. " - ---'-.C :': -- - - r:
An Atchison man guards again going
to sleep In church by getting his eyes
on some woman who is chewing gum.
He claims that It Is impossible to watch
a woman who is chewing gum, and go
to sleep." ' ' ." - - - ;" -;
"It is easy for a young man to figure
that hi? wages will support two, but
does he expect a proportionate advance
every time there is an increase?,
A man who knows the people, is very
careful about trying toifool them.
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
INGS HERE AND THERE,
Jokes and Jokeleta that An Supposed
to Have Been Recently Born Baying-
and. Doing that Are Old, Cnrlons and
laughable The Week's Hnmor.
"You cannot fail to note," said the
French war expert, proudly, "that we
are taking the lead in developing the
balloon and the automobile. Think of
the races that have been held recently."
That Is a wise precaution," returned
the Yankee, "for those who anticipate
that they may want to get away in a
hurry, but it lacks interest for those
who look at the matter from another
point of view." Chicago Post.
The Bald-Headed Tyrant.
Brown Well, did your baby enjoy
the picnic? '
Jones I guess so; he had five of his
own family waiting on him all day
besides all the outsiders he could drag
in."
Much the Same.
'My wife is a woman of strong will
power, said Goldthorpe.
'My wife Is a woman of great won't
power," added Bickers.
Life-Savins; Exertion.
'Don't you pay any attention to sum
mer athletics?"
'Oh, yes; I often run a few blocks
after the iceman when he has gone by
without leaving us any ice."
A Condition.
'You say you want to get off this
afternoon to go to a funeral?"
"Yes, sir; if it doesn't rain."
- The Proper Time.
'Amy, said Mabel, "when do you
Intend to wear that stunning bathing
suit of yours?"
"When the men arrive," replied
Amy.
' Pro paara tors.
"Mosquitoes are accused of propa
gating disease," said Spykes.
"Well, I know that they propagate
profanity," said Spokes.
True RegiKuation.
- The Spinster (an invalid) Is it really
true that marriages are made in
heaven?
The Parson Yes, I believe so.
The Spinster (resignedly) Oh,
I'll tell the doctor - he needn't
again. Chicago News.
then
call
A Paradoxical Talesman.
Judge Have you formed any opinion
on this case?
Wouldibeigh Juror No, sir; I haven't
mentioned it to my wife. The Smart
Set
Trouble Not Far Off.
First Back-Yard Farmer Have you
spaded up your garden yet?
Second Back-Yard Farmer No, but
my next-door neighbor has let out all
his hens. Somerville (Mass.) Journal.
His Status.
"Whoopler seems to have nearly fin-
isnea ntting nimseil for active mem
bership In a trained animal show."
"Oh, he was an Elk, and then he be
came a White Rat, and last night he
joined the Buffaloes and they made a
monkey of him." Puck.
Comparison.
Miss May I do not know any better
way to describe my embarrassment in
your presence than to say that I feel as
if I were about to be examined at
school. Bombe.
. Sorry He Lied.
De Garry You are the only woman I
ever loved.
Ma3ge In that case I can't be your
summer girt I don't want any ama
teur. Judge.
'?- Exclusiveness. -
Mrs. Purseproud I see where several
millionaires chartered a whole steam
boat in order to come across the ocean.
Mr. Purseproud Well, when we go
over we will lease the ocean for
week. Baltimore American.
Turned Down.
"I have written my autobiography,"
said the ex-politlclan who had seen beS
ter days. "I suppose you would It
willing to advance a few dollars on it
eh?" ."". . ;
"Not on your life," replied the soul
less publisher. Chicago News.
- ' The Same To-J ay. -
"In old times, when a man committed
a mistake he was put in the stocks."
"It's sometimes that way now," sigh
ed the fellow who had been dabbling on
a falling market "To be caught in the
stocks means you've done somethln
you shouldn't have done." Philadel
phia Times. : T - ! .
A Whole Lot Short. '
"Say, pop!" said Willie, "Is 'gent'
short of 'gentleman? " ',
"Yes, my boy," replied the old man,
"a gent is far short of a gantleman.1
Philadelphia Record.
A Fallacy.
"There is a great deal to be said on
both sides of every question," said the
broad-minded man.
"My dear sir," answered Mr. Meek-
ton, "it Is very plain that you have nev
er, engaged In an argument with Hen
rietta," Washington Star.
Appropriate.
I wonder why they put 'He Rests in
Peace over Jones' grave. I understand
that he led a very bad life."
'True but you don't know Mrs.
Jmes." Life.
"Gee, I'm glad my mother don't wear
shoes like those."
He Sympathized.
The Summer Girl (to her companion)
What do you suppose it. Is, dearest
that makes the sea murmur so?
Testy Old Gentleman (who has en
countered a mooning couple in every
secluded nook along the shore) Lord,
Miss, you'd murmur If you had to hear
all the sentimental rot the sea hears!
Detroit Free Press.
Looked Like Her.
"Sir," said the gentleman, angrily, as
he burst Into the photograph gallery,
"you have Insulted my wife and I de
mand satisfaction!"
"Believe me, sir," said the photog
rapher, soothingly, "I am Innocent of
any intended offense. ' What have I
done?"
"You will have to fight, sir," went on
the man; "you took a picture for my
wife "and it looks like herr' Boston
Post.
What He Would Po.
"My poor hungry man, if I were to
give you a nickel, what would you do
with itr inquired the lady with the
angular smeller and the uncertain spec
tacles. .
"I'll tell yer, mum," replied the gen
tleman with the straggling whiskers
and yearning bread pouch; "I'll git a
Turkish bath an' buy a ottymubble wid
th' change. Where's th' ten, mum?"
Denver Times.
Recrnitine.
Riding Master Why don't you
mount? I gave the order two minutes
ago.
The Rider Hang It, man, I've been
on half a dozen times since then. The
King.
. - The Pane- of It.
"Why dear, what's the matter with
you? Bad news from your husband?"
"Oh, worse than that. He writes me
that he is longing for me and kisses
my picture every day."
"That's no reason for crying."
"Yes, but I find I put mother's pho
tograph in his trunk in mistake for
mine." Brooklyn Life. '
Water at a Discount.
"Is it not beautiful to see the moon
shine across the water?" inquired the
romantic young woman.
"Well, miss," answered Col. Still
well, "moonshine is very acceptable in
an emergency. But I don't know as I
especially care about the water."
Washington Star.
Appearances Aa-ainst Hint.
The Parson (leaning over the fence,
shocked) Makin' garden on Sunday,
brother! I Is pained beyon' measuah.
Brother Johnson! U
Rastus Johnson - (flustered) Deed I
ain't makin' garden, pahson. I'ze only
diggin' bait "to go fishin'. Brooklyn
Eagle.
Noacommital.
"Senator," asked the interviewer, "da
I understand you to say there is very
little money made in politics?"
"Well er you might say," replied
the Senator, "there is a great deal of
money made out of politics." Phila
delphia Press.
The Brutality of Man.
A correspondence full of eloquence
and a speaking moral has been brought
to light by a trade journal in St. Paul.
The lady received the first letter, and
It read thus:
"Dear Madam: I take pleasure in
shipping to your address a rug valued
at $50, for which I shall be glad to re
ceive your check. If you do not desire
the rug please return It Very sincere
ly, and so forth!"
"The idea!" exclaimed the indignant
woman, and thereupon she sat 'down
and indited the following reply:
"Dear Sir: : I have ordered no rug
from your establishment, and I see no
reason why I should go to the expense
of returning that which I do not want.
and which was sent to me unsolicited."
To this complaint she received the
following gently sarcastic rejoinder:
"Dear Madam: I will send for the
UUDUUUICU J-US, AUU A U U JUU Will
do me the favor to send for the unso
licited charity tickets which now lie
with about twenty-eight others on my
desk. Very sincerely, and so forth."
"The discourteous boor!" shrieked the
lady. -
ZD HI v
4 -am