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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (July 12, 1901)
this ) Dioomin earth below; In the meltin' days o' summer they're holleriil' fer snow! An' when the snow comes siftin through the winders o' the sky. They're hollerin' fer summer an' weather hot an' dry! It's this way on the hilltop, it'a this way . on ine plain; 'The craps are gittin' dusty; good Lord .1 A u .. :.. ft . . ' beuu uun u me iiuui . An' when, the rain is failin' an' weather's lookin' roueh. It's "Wonder if they'll wn ns? 'We done had rain enostjh!" There ain't no pleasin' people, no matter wnat you do No matter what good fortune, they growl a lifetime through; An' when they leave this country to seek the final lot, Heaven won't be cool enough fer them, an t other place too hot! Atlanta Constitution. I Jerry Lowe's Fool Luck. rs T does seem," said the old man II thoughtfully, "that folks ought ter git along In this world without quarrelin'. We had an awful feud here years ago, an' the end ain't In sight yet An' a yaller dog started It. What old man Bascom saw in the dog, an' what the dog saw In old man Bascom .is moren I know. It jes seemed to be a sort of mutual admiration society; one of them beautiful an' touchin il lustrations of a dog's devotion to man that folks are always talkin' about. losln' sight of the fact that it some times snows a lack or common sense on the part of the dog. "Old man Bascom an' Jerry Lowe used ter be ez thick ez two fleas on a doe's tail. Like everv Belf-reanetln' community we have a story of buried treasure, an- mem two was always lOOkl a' fer it together. It wan a mm mon Sight to see the "old mnn rKc-irln' . fer dear life with Jerry sittin' not far away piayin' "Down in a Coal Mine' on lum uau. i l never seemea to occur to the old man ter let Jerry do some of the work, an' folks said that It was Jes some of Jerrv's fool Inoir But one day the dog got under Jerry's feet an' he gave it a kick. That started the feud an' they never hunted fer the treasure together again. Old man Bas- come swore that he would rlt with Jerry; but somehow or other it am not seem ez If he never would, jes' ntVfiliaA .lawv hail a. ....!. 1 t 1 .mij uau mi UIUI'U LWl 1UCK once the old man threw a dead cat under Jerry's house, an' when he crawled under ter git It out he found a - nen s nest with sixteen esrira in It. An once Bascom tied a cord across a path when Jerry was comin' with a pail of water, an' he fell and' spilt the water: but I'm blowed if the water didn't wash up a two-bit piece that somebody had lost But Bascom stuck to it that he would git even. "It did seem ez though the old man had trouble enough of his own without worryin' Jerry, fer it was his misfor tune ter be married to a female buzz saw. If A mnn WOntAil on to remain single old man Bascom's ... - . uuiu mi VAUUSt? wife furnished It The way them two fit an' fout was awful to see. jw lived nnnr thorn an nrhan I,a 1. 1 4-1. - au i? u i.ii it; ileal u tile . racket start he would git out his cornet an' play 'Home. Sweet Home' an' 'Jos' Before the Battle, Mother, an' tunes like mem. I ain't denyin' that it was sort of aggrevatin' to have a neighbor throwin' out insinuations through a cornet; but that's what he did. Folks got so that they knew from Jerry's playin' Jes' how things was goin' on down at Bascom's. An' when they heard Jerry playin' 'See, the Conquer in' Hero Comes,' they knew that the fight was over an' that the old man was suin' fer peace. "Well, one day the neighbors heard Jerry playin', 'We Shall Meet Beyond the River.' That wasn't in the code, an nobody knew what he was drivln' at till they heard that old man Bascom was dead. Assumin' that Jerry was right, an' that they do meet I give it out ez my humble opinion that there will be a fight! "Well, after the funeral was over I was called upon In my official capacity ez Justice of the peace ter read a paper, that Bascom bad left I knew what it was, 'cause I drawed It; so I gave out the tip, an' everybody was there, in cludin Jerry. It read like this: " 'To all those present I wish to sol emnly , declare that I believe In the sacred bonds of wedlock; that I don't believe that It Is good for man (or woman either) to be alone. It is my last an' most- sacred wish that my wife should marry again, an' I hereby de clare that I have no objections to her so doln'. To hasten this end I leave to the man who shall marry her the contents of the brass box that is in the corner of the room. I make but one condition, an' that is that the man must play the cornet. To my neighbors (with one exception) I leave my kind regards an' this advice: Waste no more time lookin' fer the buried treasure My dear friend Seih Bugby has the key to the box an' I command him to band It to the man who shall meet all these conditions.' . "Hold on," said I, ez everybody start ed talkin' at once, "this here paper has an error In It! I drawed it an' I know! This paper is in old man Bascom's handwrltln', an' I guess that when he copied it from the one that I wrote he dropped out a word. What I wrote an what he wanted me particularly to write was: That the man must 'not' play the cornet!" "I'm thinkln'." said Jerrv. "tht ti, dockymlnt stands." .' " There ain't no gittin' around that' said I, 'but it ain't what Bascom meant! "Well, sir, it did beat all what a rum pus that dockymlnt kicked . up. The single men an' the wldderer was fer goin' ter law an try an' have it cor rected. But the married men grinned an' said it was no use tryin' to buck agin Jerry's fool" luck, an' they give :t up. Of course everybody saw at once that Bascom had found the treasure, an' In tryin' ter keep Jerry from ever gittin' hold of it he had thrown it right into his lap! "Wpll. the nPYf liflT .Torrv kim tMt mA .. -1 ' J B1UI 1 1-1 UJC , There ain't no pieasin' people on 11(1 "ThC J-"- (ft , I May 20, 1835, the brig Illinois dropped anchor at the partly completed north pier off the village of Chicago and her passengers came ashore. Among the first -to land was Fernando Jones, a boy 10 years old, from Buffalo, N. Y. That boy, who is now one of the oldest residents of Chicago, has celebrated the sixty-sixth anniversary of that landing and also his eighty-second birthday anniversary, which came on the same date. " v i . Speaking of his coming to Chicago, Mr. Jones said: "There were only about 1,000 persons in Chicago when I came. The first day, boylike, I "went fishing in the Chicago river with John C. Haynes, who was afterward Mayor of Chicago, and Alexander Beanbien. . We were greatly interested in stories of the Indian massacre, and, meeting La Frambojs, the son of an Indian chief, we went to see where the women and children were pulled out of their wagons and killed. The Indian showed ns the spot It is the same that has since been marked by Mr. Pullman's monument. There was only, one grocery store south of Water street when I came, and that was owned by Thomas Church. Over it the new land office had taken rooms. I went to work for the land agent and helped regis ter the lands that were open for settlement - A. great deal of the property round here was first taken in that way and cost $1.25 an acre. "I helped pay oil the Indians at the time they left here. Each Indian was given $16. It was paid in silver half-dollars and was tied up in a knot in a corner of his blanket, but was quickly spent for liquor." - -V:--v Mr. Jones is still in rugged good .health and takes great interest in ail that pertains to Chicago. In his home he has gathered many fine works of art from his trips abroad, both in statuary and paintings. He married in 1858 Miss Gra ham, who is a descendant of the Earl of Montrose; and among the fainily heir looms is a portrait of the Scottish earl that has been handed down from gen eration to generation in the Graham family. Chicago American. " . ' - - an' said 'Seth, what's in that there box?" ' 'I don't know,' said I. ' 'Seth,' said he, kinder excited HIcp. m mea ter lift it an' I couldn't hn,i it an Inch! There ain't bnt OT1P pnnoln. slon. That there brass "bo fnnfaino me niaaeu treasure that everybody has been lookin ten just a cool 81.000 ono an me man mat marries the wirirw i. ... . , vw, gits it:; ... - - 'He'll earn his money,' says I. -Jes' a cool $.1,000,000!' savs ha u er dazed like. jerry." says I. ve ain't tr, - - - - - & take advantage of a mistake, be you. uu uian j uiu man sascom's widder? iuu kiiow ne natea ye like pizen, an that that there dockymlnt WAS lnten1. eato De drawn up to bar ye out. It aont seem right to take advantage of a mistake. It looks ton mnnh ui temptin' Providence! He told me him- seu mat ne didn't want to mention any names, but he wanted to make Bum you wouldTnever marry his widder. Guess it is ies' some mnre nf my tool luck,' said ne. with a s-rln. An it certainly did look that way, fer he was me ouiy man in tne neighborhood what could play the cornet an even rlorVit mere nis rool luck stood by him. If any other man had had the runnin ' he would have been forced tn nnn ,. widder face terrace, anr that would have bin hard work. But all Jerry had to do was to set at home an' nir win I- -, i in You Love Me, Molly Darlin' ' an' tunes like that on his cornet. But nnne ha got careless an' played 'Starry Nieht Fer a Ramble,' an' the widder1 tairi it fer a hint, came over fer a ramble, an' Jerry had ter make the bluff good! But even then .his- fool luck didn't de sert him, fer the widder didn't know how the next line went an' Jerry was kebt from an awful fatei wn Jerry kept puttin It off thinkin' that ue naa no nvais, till certain strange an' mysterious packages fnmmmwfl comin' by .express, an' certain strange an mysterious . sounds mmmgnrad floatin' out from secluded snnta. T'm hanged if I don't think that every man in me neignDornooa went an' got a cor net. Well, that made Jerry git a move on, an' one day be kim to me grinnin' an' said: 'Well, Seth. how much are vp pnln' to charge to marry us?' ; " 'With or without?' said I. " 'With or-without what?' said he. ' ' " 'Kissln' the bride;' said I. " 'I don't want ye ter go settin' any bad examples that I may have to fol low!' he shouted. ' Jes' you come up and tie the knot an wear blinders if ye think there Is any danger of your shyin'! But don't forgit to bring that key!- :r-.:r-i. '..v..:- "WelL I married them, and - Jerry could hardly wait to. git hold of the key, en' when he did he fairly flew, to the box. Well, sir, I'm hanged if there was a thing in the box but a card on wmcn was written: 'I toled you I would eit even with , " -V you rer kickin' my dog!' Femaio Jones Tfs ofCMcago Pioneer, Now 82 Years i Old, Grows Reminiscent. I 'itt)4 "Well, when Jerry grasped the situa tion be commenced throwin' fits on the floor, an' I took advantage of the op portunity to look the box .over. It wasn't funny that Jerry hadn't been able to lift it fer old man Bascom had screwed it to the floor! - , ,. "When Jerry kim to he eave one look at the bride, an said kinder solemn like:., ;. "f ;- m,.': : " 'I guess my luck had changed.' "An' I guess "it had. Fer that was twenty years ago, an' old man " Bas com's revenge has bin goin' right on without stoppin' fer Sunday or the Fourth of Jury!" Detroit Free Press. IS DONE WITH AMcRICA. On her arrival from London, It being her twenty-sixfn trip across the ocean, the Inspector at New York plunged into the baggage of Kuhne Beveridge, the KUHNE BEVERIDGE. sculptress, and forced her tn nav Sins i .-r " duties before releasiuer hpr drsaaas sha declares that she is "done" with Amer ica. .. . She Was 8ure.'" : "What makes you so sure that man is less than 35?" asked the young wo man." ' "There isn't the slightest doubt in the matter," answered Miss Cayenne. 'He keeps bragging of what he knows about human nature." Washington Star. Not an Angel. First Actress I thought he was your angel? p: Second Actress I thought so. too." I was mistaken! "Lacks wings, eh?" "Well, his money lacks wings, at anv rate." Detroit Journal. The man Who makes trouble hptswn two women gets more' enjoyment out of it than the women do. Tt la x- 1. .. . n , . mti i ,m. t. "v juu UWI, mau 11 IB lO B.UOW a great deal that ts of no earthlv use. Gar iVention Aluminum and mampulnm haTr M cently been combined in Germany to produce an alloy which does not rust, ana wmcn is as ugnt and tenacious as pure aluminum, while it can be worked with the file and the lathe. It la named magnallum. T T . - - . iuuwie Mona has dlacnvprml a method for producing Illuminating gas uu coai gas at an expense of 4 cents a thousand feet It la thnnot that this will effect a revolution by cheapening eiminc power ana it will also have an Important bearins- on the nrodnotlnTi of uyen-nearcn steet The SUn'S surface la bnnwn tn h mh. Ject to greatly increased disturbances every eleven years, known as the sun spot period. Auroral displays and dis turbances of the partih'a - ma irnaflom have a similar period, and the pictures or me corona which have been obtained show markedly characteristic varipHpa of form dependent also upon the sun- spot period. -Bo one of the principal efforts of scientists of late years has been to obtain pictures of the corona witn as mucb detail as possible. A -remarkable discover? Bv. Cantain rr n n . 1 f. llPflBV In tna Kimnlnn Unit,. tains, Is that of ' ( Miiwuiui, U1UUU' plant called crass wrack, at an pIpvb. tlon of 16,500 feet more than 10,000 feet uiguer man the summit of Mount Washinirton. The Dhinta y wapa nt growing, but were found, with their leaves ana rruit deposited In a bed ten or twelve feet thick - whi.h woa ered and interspersed with strata of oiue ciay. xne explanation offered is that the deposit once formed part of the Dottom of a salt lake. ' - - Mr. Beddard. of the T,muinn XakIki. cal Society, calls attention tfi a nppnllnn. ity of the ears of tigers which he thinks may oe classed under the head of "pro tective markings." On the hack of each ear is a very brleht whitp nt and when the ears aro MrantaA fr,. ward these snots are cnnsnleimim from the front. Mr. Beddard suggests that when the tieer is sleenlnir In tho Hm. 1 1 1. i - n .. . 01 a cave or thicket the spots on ears may appear to an enemy, look ing in, as the gleam of its watchful eyes, and thus save the sleeper from an unexpected attack, v The earthquake waves due to the Jan- uirae shock or June 15, 1896. were re corded . on the self-registering tide uKes at uonoiuiu and at Saucelito, In the bay of San FraiHMaon. n, rihavin. JJavison has recently compared the cal tuiateu velocity or the earthquake waves with the velocity formerly cal culated from the usual formula- He found that at Saucelito. for' mmnk the first crest of the waves reached the tide gauge ten hours an1 thtrt-ir-f,,. minutes after the shock, having trav- creeu m mis ume the distance of 4,787 miles at an average velocity of 664 feet a secona. - - i - : It has been observed th&t on n piMnnt of the absence of an atmosnhere on tho moon, and the consequent lack of grada tion in snaaows, the eye of the observer is seriously misled In iudsrinir tllp nntn- al relief of objects forming the lunar lanuscapes. tToressor Prinz, of Brus sels, has recently develoned a. mptw of avoiding this difficulty, and of seeing me craiers ana otner details on the moon in their natural Dronortinna. tv. ing advantage of the fact that as the moon; travels around the earth the ec centricity of its orbit Drodnce tlm of. feet of a slow libration, or balancing to ana iro. wmcn cansps its ra tn inclined now a little one wav and nnw V- IU a little the other way. Professor Prinz manes two photographs of the lunar oDject to be studied, t opposltepolnts in the libration. and then combines them in a stereoscope, whereupon the object stands forth -in fnll rpliolr Thi . luio JjI m- clple has hitherto been applied only "to pnotograpns or the moon as a whole, and not to particular craters or regions! "ONE CENT POSTAGE COMING." Ukely to Bo Brought About by In- t ' - creiae in Business. "All over the country men engaged In the postal service are watching in tently the progress of affairs in the va rious orancnes or the mail business," said A. J. Ball, chief clerk of the rail way mail service, to an Indianapolis News man. "The signs In all direc tions point to the greatest vear the DM. vice has ever had. On the Indianapolis railroads, which form the main chan nel for the movement of mails hetwppn the East and West the volume of busi ness during the winter has been with out precedent . There are more nnatnl cars In service, they are hauling more mail and utilizing more postal clerks than ever before. Durlne- the enriv spring the volume has been tremend ously heavy and this mqvement of mail shows the DUlsations of businena affair generally throughout the country. ' Be- ports say mat with the beginning of the new fiscal year, the financial re ceipts will show a profit of $2,000,000 to the postofflce department of the United States. If such a showing is made I nredict that the nennln nf this country are on the eve of penny letter postage. It is bound to follow 'soon after the postal receipts show a profit of $2,000,000 to the postofflce depart ment of the United States. ' If such a showing is made I predict that the peo ple of this country are on the eve of penny letter postage. ; it is bound to follow: soon after the postal receipts I show a profit." :-: -'. - 1;, ; I Chief Clerk Ball has been In the railway-mail service since May 12, : 1880, He tossed mail In a railway postal car for years, and worked his way to the bead of the mail service between Pitts burg and St Louis, the second largest branch of the service in ' the United States. . ' "I think it was in 1883 or 1884," Mr. Ball says, "that the postal business made a profit From the year Jt was established, up to that time, there had been a deficiency every year. As soon as there was a profit Congress cut the cost of sending a letter. Before that reduction the price was 3 cents for a half-ounce. The reduction was to 2 cents. - The day 2-cent postage went into effect people throughout the land began writing letters in greater num ber. I do not remember that the year following; ' the reduction ahnwiut an perceptible difference in the volume of mau nanaiea in the railway service, bnt I do know there waa a rradnal increase every year after that time and ui recent yean tne Increase naa been enormous, "To cut the price of sending a letter mrougn tne mails to 1 cent will mean to swell the volume of letters all out of proportion to the present number mat people are writing, it will cause a new age of letter writing, both in business and private correspondence. one or tne bugbears of the rail way mall service now la the clrcular-bnai. ness letter that commercial houses and corporations of all kinds send out. The letters are unsealed, carelessly addressed- and AM toHlnna fnr rutotol yila!,, 1 - ,w.vu VI JVUL111 1.11.1 ,o LU handle. With 1-cent postage I believe me oia business circular will become a thing of the past" . SHE FOLLOWED HER CUE. The Elderly Aant from the Country - ani Her Conversation. When the elderly aunt was here she was invited out to dinner with the fam ily and had no thought of refusing. She has a heart in her as big as ''the pro verbial Yankee cheese; but by way of comparison, her bump of - inanlsltire- ness Is as large aa the new county building. That is why the nephew had a little private talk with her, says the Detroit Free Press. "You see, auntie," he began, diplo matically. "It is different in the cltv. There is not the same freedom of soeech uuiuug; uieuua um nwignDors, we are more conservative, as it were." ' "Don't gossip so much, von mean her nose and chin rising In unison. "You mmit I m grass-fed, as some of you metropolis people of culture and re finement put it I'll not disgrace you, iommy. l'u ask no questions that are not suggested by the conversation. Is that a safe rule?" : -: 'Perfectly, auntie. Pardon me for thinking that I mlarht eive vou a hint. "Worked splendidly." the aunt reoort ed after the affair was over. "I had heard vou talklnir over a ovwl mint m. pofts about these Deoole. von know. so I knew how to set my stakes. When ne tola me he had made a pile- - on stocks I asked him if he had an idea nf settling up the debts he ran away from aown m Hew Jersey. - You never see a man get so red and he chanced in a wink to talking: about his familv. 'l it true, - says il, this scandalous report mat you ana your wife were both di vorced before you married each oth er r :- --: "Heavens!" '. ' " " '' ;-: . "I thought he was eoinsr Into a con nlption, but I talked sympathetic and una mm mat me world wouldn't care how much he owed or how manv nre- vious wives er husbands there was, now mat ne is rich. That did the business. for he told me in the Dleasantest wav that people who had never . married were the best judges of such matters ana said be was sorry that he and his ramiiy would be unable to see any more of me while I'm here. I knew t could take care of mvself " mere was nothing for the.nenhew tn do but groan until he got to the base ment, where he could sav thins- nut ioua to nimself. . -; - ... - ; FLOWERS FOR MARKET. Strannely Nr sleeted Opportunities for rroni in tne South. -Florida' is erowine Bermuda nnlnno Bermuda potatoes, etc.; is It not rea sonable to suppose she could grow Ber muda, lilies as well? As a matter of fact lilies as fine as. can be produced in the world are already being grown in Florida, but so far nnhndv seems tn have gone into the business regularly ror supplying the Northern markets. Florida - lilies mlcht be shinned, tn n Northern - destination in shorter time and arrive In better shape than Is possi ble from the Island of Bermuda the Savannah, Ga Neurit The seml- rropicai climate or south: Keorgla and Florida Is especially suited to the irrow- lng of flowers. . The floral wealth of the r emusuia estate, inaeea, gave, it Its name.1 Oddly enoueh. however, the most of the flowers are grown In the North. Down here we pay little atten tlon to their commercial DOBsihllltlea In cold Pennsylvania. and New York ana corner ftiicnigan several men have become millionaires in the seed hnsi. ness, notwithstanding they were under tne necessity or providing expensive giass covers ror tneir young plants. In Southern Florida there would never oe necessity for coverine voune nlanta Bulbs for hyacinths, tuberoses and the various other bulb plants could be brought practically to maturity in Flor- iuh. m time tor smpment.to the North to catch theearly sprine warmth a-nrf delight the Northerners with ' strong, perfecfearly open-air blooms. It seems there ought to be monev In tho hnih and seed business in South Georgia and lonaa to tnose who go about the bust ness intelligently and are williug to give time and patience to the wnrfe nf building up a reputation. King's Lonx-Sought Photograph. After waiting about twenty years the king has come -into possession of a photograph for which he has sought Lever since his marriage to Queen Alex andra. It is a photograph of the queen herself as she was Just before the king first met her. ' It Is said that for some reason only one copy remained unde stroyed, and this could not be traced until twenty years ago, when -it was accidentally seen by a high personage at court in the album of a well known society lady. - The latter on being ap proached was not disposed to part with the prize even to the king, who, when turning over the album which contain ed it from time to time, used jokingly to rerer to it as "my portrait" - Since he ascended the throne it is' under stood that the owner of the photograph has sent it to Windsor. Sussex News. Any Old Thing. Mr. SDunk Oh. yon needn't innin... In heroics, my dear; yon know you were ready to marry any old thinr when t came along. Mrs. Spunk I admit it Henrv- that describes perfectly what I married. Ohio State Journal. - Nothing in It. . 'Mercy V exclaimed Mrs. Schnnner I've lost my pocketbook!" "Never mind, dear,? replied Mr Schopper, "pocketbooks are cheap. I'U buy you another." Philadelphia Press. LET US ALL LAUGH, JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA RIOUS HUMORISTS. Plrufint Incident Occmrrhma; World Over Sayings that Ara Cheer ful to Old or Young- Fuuj Salac- tioaa that Toa Will Enjoy. Mr. Hoon I am convinced that the groom at last . night's wedding was eitner a wiaower or a bigamist - Mrs. Hoon Good gracious! What makes you think so? Mr. Hoon Whv. didn't von nntle 4 mat he looked neither scared nor sneak ing during the ceremony? Puck. Mrs. Jinks why are people who get married often called the 'contracting parties r Mr. Jinks I don't know about the bride, bat think how small the grofem usually looks! Puck. A Notc-Tak-r. Parson What are you here for? Prisoner I was a stenographer in bank, and was caught taking notes. Cincinnati Enquirer. Their Way. 7 Farmer Honk What sort of people are your city relatives that are vlsitin' up at your house, 'Gustus? Farmer Bentback (grimly) Aw They're the kind that when they pay ye a visit act like they wanted a re ceipt for it Puck. , ; "; - Aa to the Cafah- 'Cool player! Great presence of minar - , . . 'That's right He never foreets that me umpire can fine him ten dollars." ruck. One Aeainst the Horae. 'There's one good thing about an au tomobile." "What's that?" "It doesn't try to-run. up to every watering-fountain it comes to." Puck, " He Knew ce .- Ytnntnma- Charlie Loveday Cm, ah. Er, er erj itr-r ne: he ' "Jeweler" (to his 'assistant! Brins mat tray or engagement rings here. tienry. stray stones. ""' InheritMl Tfnlto. "How Ignorant Miss SwamDer is of history ?" "She inherits it Her father is a his torical novelist" Life."' - V-' -. Exchange. 'You owe this country nearlv everv ming you possess In literature," re marked tne Englishman. : Yes,"-answered the American bus! ness man. "But by the time our capi talists get through, you may owe us enough for locomotives -' and other things to more than offset the account Washington Star. ' : ; A Clear Case. 'Senator," she asked, "do vou believe in tne survival of .the fittest?" 'I do," he replied "as lone as the nttest has the patronage to distribute " unicago Times-Herald. Emphatic E-riJence. Dear me!" I'm afraid- Mr. Gmnch didn't like his breakfast this morning - -,v - N.m1m1 . Ha. "', ... Mrs, Suburbs How are ran o-ettln aiong without a hired girl? Mrs, cities Very badlv." : I never could work rieht nnless I had snme n. over me. t-miaaelpUia Record. Tliefllil.nM Jack I saw a deaf mute man taurine on nis nngers to a aeaf mute girl to day. . - ' - - Kitty What was be savinir? Jack "I love you more than wnrH. can utter." - - .. . - Not a Life Offlc. 'Are you afraid to be ens-appd tn that Boston girl?" 'No: I'll mispronounce a wnri snme day, and she'll throw me over." Acqnla'tlon of Knowledge 'Well,-and what have von lpasneH at college, Clarice?" we asked, anxious to know how our niece had -nrnfite v her residence at a distant Institution of learning. - "I learned to do up my hair in nine teen - different ways." : replied she. proudly. ... " Artificial. First Menagerie Keeper What's wrong? ' Second Menagerie '. Keeper Keen that curtain down until I get the sacred cow's hump on straight Ohio State JoruanL ' A Money Separator. Young Milyunne has so much money he doesn't know what to do with It" Why doesn't he go Into politics? Ohio State Journal, - , . -' Her Idea af It. "Cnarley, dear," said young Mrs. Torklns, "I wish you would save up your money and buy a yacht" -"What for?" - "XVe need so many things for the ta ble. And winning races seems such a cheap way to get silverware." Wash ington Star. - - Love Finds the Way. Laura Her father cast her off wltll out a penny when she married without his consent. . - Claire How did they manage? "Oh, they published two volumes of their love letters." Life. Aa It Beemed to Him. . "Papa, what does the phrase ln due time mean?" Benny Bloobumper asked.. . "First of the month, I guess," replied Mr. Bloobumper, - Crusty.. "Yes," Miss Frocks went on, "Mr. Tenipleton and I are to be married. Why don't yon offer congratulations?" "Oh, I've no grudge against Temple ton," replied the crusty bachelor. Always Sjmeth ns; Gelna; On. "Any June news out in your su burb?" , '. "Yes, oh yes; three new kinds of bugs oh our rose bushes." Hii Bedeemlaa; Po'nt. "Skitts is utterly lazy and worth less." : "Oh, I don't know; he is entitled to some credit for not letting: anvthinz worrv him " Quick Action. ' ' "I' got 'quick action on my garden seeds," said Cumso. . "They came up next day." ' "How do you account for such rapid germination?" asked Cawker. "My next door neighbors' hens did it with their little scratchers.'1 . The Trick of Trade. Mr. Jacksing Ye see dat pomperous lookin' gen'lemun 'cross de street ? Dat am Cuhnel Snowball, de riches' gen'le mun in Dahkville." - - - Mr. Johnsing Snob! von dnn' aavi Whah'd he git dat money? Mr. Jacksing Manufacturing face powdah, sab. An (contidpntlallvi tn tell de hones' troof I Inspec' dat de bull proposition of dat powdah am nutbin' moh dan powdahed.chaheoal, sah." An Achievement. "Did you succeed In arouslne anr In terest in your recent political cam paign?" "I did better than tn arnnso Intercut answered Senator Sorghum. ' "I man aged, to stir up a few dividends." Washington Star. Ktahy. Mrs. Ruddy I want some trimming to match this dress. Shopwalker Yes. madam. Mr. Jakes. some trimming; Shrimp Pink, to match this Lobster. Ally Sloper. ST . The Clou I. He There, dear, after tnir np Ann1 planning for years, we have at last been able' to buy this beautiful home, and you ought to be. perfectly, happy. sner-But I'm not . ... He What's the matter? t " '". "' She I know we shall Jiever be ah'e ' to sell .itHarper's Bazar. ; ' i-. Something; .Wrons. t, Willie Say, pa, my Sunday school teacher says if I'm good I'll go to heav en. . . Pa WeU? : . ..'.' WiUie WelL you said if I was eood I'd go to the -circus. : Now. I -want -to know who's lyin', you or her? Phila delphia Press. ... An old pew-opener - in" an English country church was in attendance on the rector, the church wardens and a city architect with a view to church restoration. - aia me architect' ook- ing the woodwork with his cane: "There's a great deal of dry rot in these pews, Mr,. Rector." . Before the latter could reply the old woman cut in with: "But, law, sir, it ain't nothink to what there is in the pulpit" Nell She used to boast that she was one of the charter members of the Woman's Suffrage Club. She doesn't appear to be as proud of it now. Belle Oh, she's Just as proud, but you know . the club was organized fifteen' yea ago, and she must have been .at least 20 when she joined. Philadelphia -Record. - ' ': ""' . .- - . -, Sue You said you were going to mar ry an artist and now you're engaged to a dentist Flo Well, isn't he aa art ist? He draws from real life! Phila delphia Bulletin. ' - Cnder the Strain. What makes him stoop that way, papa. -What makes him stoop that way?" The thousand cares that weigh upon The poor man day by day." Why doesn't he cat loose, papa, . Why doesn t he cut loose? ' Because the more he gets the more " He wants, yon little goose." t And if he strikes it rich, papa. Oh, do you think he'll quit?" The father merely shook his head V And gravely answered, "Nit Why will he bear the strain, papa, Why will he bear the strain?" , He and his wife see dizzy heights r . That they are wild to gain." "And when they gain them will they have Contentment' asked tne lad. "No, there will still be other things ', That they will wish they had." How will it be at last papa. How will it be at last?" He'll search for pleasure when the time For happiness Is past." Chicago Record-Herald. ; - You can tell a man's age as soon as he turns out his whiskers. -