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About Corvallis gazette. (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909 | View Entire Issue (July 12, 1901)
Dioomin earth below;
In the meltin' days o' summer they're
holleriil' fer snow!
An' when the snow comes siftin through
the winders o' the sky.
They're hollerin' fer summer an' weather
hot an' dry!
It's this way on the hilltop, it'a this way
. on ine plain;
'The craps are gittin' dusty; good Lord
.1 A u .. :.. ft . . '
beuu uun u me iiuui .
An' when, the rain is failin' an' weather's
It's "Wonder if they'll wn ns? 'We
done had rain enostjh!"
There ain't no pleasin' people, no matter
wnat you do
No matter what good fortune, they growl
a lifetime through;
An' when they leave this country to seek
the final lot,
Heaven won't be cool enough fer them,
an t other place too hot!
I Jerry Lowe's Fool Luck.
rs T does seem," said the old man
II thoughtfully, "that folks ought ter
git along In this world without
quarrelin'. We had an awful feud here
years ago, an' the end ain't In sight
yet An' a yaller dog started It. What
old man Bascom saw in the dog, an'
what the dog saw In old man Bascom
.is moren I know. It jes seemed to
be a sort of mutual admiration society;
one of them beautiful an' touchin il
lustrations of a dog's devotion to man
that folks are always talkin' about.
losln' sight of the fact that it some
times snows a lack or common sense
on the part of the dog.
"Old man Bascom an' Jerry Lowe
used ter be ez thick ez two fleas on a
doe's tail. Like everv Belf-reanetln'
community we have a story of buried
treasure, an- mem two was always
lOOkl a' fer it together. It wan a mm
mon Sight to see the "old mnn rKc-irln'
. fer dear life with Jerry sittin' not far
away piayin' "Down in a Coal Mine' on
lum uau. i l never seemea
to occur to the old man ter let Jerry do
some of the work, an' folks said that It
was Jes some of Jerrv's fool Inoir
But one day the dog got under Jerry's
feet an' he gave it a kick. That started
the feud an' they never hunted fer the
treasure together again. Old man Bas-
come swore that he would rlt
with Jerry; but somehow or other it
am not seem ez If he never would, jes'
ntVfiliaA .lawv hail a. ....!. 1 t 1
.mij uau mi UIUI'U LWl 1UCK
once the old man threw a dead cat
under Jerry's house, an' when he
crawled under ter git It out he found a
- nen s nest with sixteen esrira in It. An
once Bascom tied a cord across a path
when Jerry was comin' with a pail of
water, an' he fell and' spilt the water:
but I'm blowed if the water didn't
wash up a two-bit piece that somebody
had lost But Bascom stuck to it that
he would git even.
"It did seem ez though the old man
had trouble enough of his own without
worryin' Jerry, fer it was his misfor
tune ter be married to a female buzz
saw. If A mnn WOntAil on
to remain single old man Bascom's
... - . uuiu mi VAUUSt?
wife furnished It The way them two
fit an' fout was awful to see. jw
lived nnnr thorn an nrhan I,a 1. 1 4-1. -
au i? u i.ii it; ileal u tile
. racket start he would git out his cornet
an' play 'Home. Sweet Home' an' 'Jos'
Before the Battle, Mother, an' tunes
like mem. I ain't denyin' that it was
sort of aggrevatin' to have a neighbor
throwin' out insinuations through a
cornet; but that's what he did. Folks
got so that they knew from Jerry's
playin' Jes' how things was goin' on
down at Bascom's. An' when they
heard Jerry playin' 'See, the Conquer
in' Hero Comes,' they knew that the
fight was over an' that the old man
was suin' fer peace.
"Well, one day the neighbors heard
Jerry playin', 'We Shall Meet Beyond
the River.' That wasn't in the code, an
nobody knew what he was drivln' at
till they heard that old man Bascom
was dead. Assumin' that Jerry was
right, an' that they do meet I give it
out ez my humble opinion that there
will be a fight!
"Well, after the funeral was over I
was called upon In my official capacity
ez Justice of the peace ter read a paper,
that Bascom bad left I knew what it
was, 'cause I drawed It; so I gave out
the tip, an' everybody was there, in
cludin Jerry. It read like this:
" 'To all those present I wish to sol
emnly , declare that I believe In the
sacred bonds of wedlock; that I don't
believe that It Is good for man (or
woman either) to be alone. It is my
last an' most- sacred wish that my wife
should marry again, an' I hereby de
clare that I have no objections to her
so doln'. To hasten this end I leave
to the man who shall marry her the
contents of the brass box that is in the
corner of the room. I make but one
condition, an' that is that the man
must play the cornet. To my neighbors
(with one exception) I leave my kind
regards an' this advice: Waste no more
time lookin' fer the buried treasure
My dear friend Seih Bugby has the key
to the box an' I command him to band
It to the man who shall meet all these
. "Hold on," said I, ez everybody start
ed talkin' at once, "this here paper has
an error In It! I drawed it an' I know!
This paper is in old man Bascom's
handwrltln', an' I guess that when he
copied it from the one that I wrote he
dropped out a word. What I wrote an
what he wanted me particularly to
write was: That the man must 'not'
play the cornet!"
"I'm thinkln'." said Jerrv. "tht ti,
dockymlnt stands." .'
" There ain't no gittin' around that'
said I, 'but it ain't what Bascom
"Well, sir, it did beat all what a rum
pus that dockymlnt kicked . up. The
single men an' the wldderer was fer
goin' ter law an try an' have it cor
rected. But the married men grinned
an' said it was no use tryin' to buck
agin Jerry's fool" luck, an' they give :t
up. Of course everybody saw at once
that Bascom had found the treasure,
an' In tryin' ter keep Jerry from ever
gittin' hold of it he had thrown it right
into his lap!
"Wpll. the nPYf liflT .Torrv kim tMt mA
.. -1 ' J B1UI 1 1-1 UJC ,
There ain't no pieasin' people on
11(1 "ThC J-"-
May 20, 1835, the brig Illinois dropped anchor at the partly completed north
pier off the village of Chicago and her passengers came ashore. Among the first
-to land was Fernando Jones, a boy 10 years old, from Buffalo, N. Y. That boy,
who is now one of the oldest residents of Chicago, has celebrated the sixty-sixth
anniversary of that landing and also his eighty-second birthday anniversary,
which came on the same date. " v i .
Speaking of his coming to Chicago, Mr. Jones said: "There were only about
1,000 persons in Chicago when I came. The first day, boylike, I "went fishing in
the Chicago river with John C. Haynes, who was afterward Mayor of Chicago,
and Alexander Beanbien. . We were greatly interested in stories of the Indian
massacre, and, meeting La Frambojs, the son of an Indian chief, we went to
see where the women and children were pulled out of their wagons and killed.
The Indian showed ns the spot It is the same that has since been marked by
Mr. Pullman's monument. There was only, one grocery store south of Water
street when I came, and that was owned by Thomas Church. Over it the new
land office had taken rooms. I went to work for the land agent and helped regis
ter the lands that were open for settlement - A. great deal of the property
round here was first taken in that way and cost $1.25 an acre. "I helped pay oil
the Indians at the time they left here. Each Indian was given $16. It was paid
in silver half-dollars and was tied up in a knot in a corner of his blanket, but
was quickly spent for liquor." - -V:--v
Mr. Jones is still in rugged good .health and takes great interest in ail that
pertains to Chicago. In his home he has gathered many fine works of art from
his trips abroad, both in statuary and paintings. He married in 1858 Miss Gra
ham, who is a descendant of the Earl of Montrose; and among the fainily heir
looms is a portrait of the Scottish earl that has been handed down from gen
eration to generation in the Graham family. Chicago American. " . ' - -
'Seth, what's in that there
' 'I don't know,' said I.
' 'Seth,' said he, kinder excited HIcp.
m mea ter lift it an' I couldn't hn,i
it an Inch! There ain't bnt OT1P pnnoln.
slon. That there brass "bo fnnfaino
me niaaeu treasure that everybody has
been lookin ten just a cool 81.000 ono
an me man mat marries the wirirw
i. ... . , vw,
gits it:; ... - -
'He'll earn his money,' says I. -Jes'
a cool $.1,000,000!' savs ha u
er dazed like.
jerry." says I. ve ain't tr,
- - - - - &
take advantage of a mistake, be you.
uu uian j uiu man sascom's widder?
iuu kiiow ne natea ye like pizen, an
that that there dockymlnt WAS lnten1.
eato De drawn up to bar ye out. It
aont seem right to take advantage of
a mistake. It looks ton mnnh ui
temptin' Providence! He told me him-
seu mat ne didn't want to mention any
names, but he wanted to make Bum
you wouldTnever marry his widder.
Guess it is ies' some mnre nf
tool luck,' said ne. with a s-rln. An
certainly did look that way, fer he was
me ouiy man in tne neighborhood what
could play the cornet an even rlorVit
mere nis rool luck stood by him.
any other man had had the runnin
would have been forced tn nnn ,.
widder face terrace, anr that would
have bin hard work. But all Jerry had
to do was to set at home an' nir win
I- -, i in
You Love Me, Molly Darlin' ' an' tunes
like that on his cornet. But nnne ha
got careless an' played 'Starry Nieht
Fer a Ramble,' an' the widder1 tairi
it fer a hint, came over fer a ramble,
an' Jerry had ter make the bluff good!
But even then .his- fool luck didn't de
sert him, fer the widder didn't
know how the next line went an' Jerry
was kebt from an awful fatei wn
Jerry kept puttin It off thinkin' that
ue naa no nvais, till certain strange
an' mysterious packages fnmmmwfl
comin' by .express, an' certain strange
an mysterious . sounds mmmgnrad
floatin' out from secluded snnta. T'm
hanged if I don't think that every man
in me neignDornooa went an' got a cor
net. Well, that made Jerry git a move
on, an' one day be kim to me grinnin'
'Well, Seth. how much are vp pnln'
to charge to marry us?' ;
" 'With or without?' said I.
" 'With or-without what?' said he. ' '
" 'Kissln' the bride;' said I.
" 'I don't want ye ter go settin' any
bad examples that I may have to fol
low!' he shouted. ' Jes' you come up
and tie the knot an wear blinders if
ye think there Is any danger of your
shyin'! But don't forgit to bring that
key!- :r-.:r-i. '..v..:-
"WelL I married them, and - Jerry
could hardly wait to. git hold of the
key, en' when he did he fairly flew, to
the box. Well, sir, I'm hanged if there
was a thing in the box but a card on
wmcn was written:
'I toled you I would eit even with
, " -V
you rer kickin' my dog!'
Pioneer, Now 82 Years i
Old, Grows Reminiscent.
"Well, when Jerry grasped the situa
tion be commenced throwin' fits on the
floor, an' I took advantage of the op
portunity to look the box .over. It
wasn't funny that Jerry hadn't been
able to lift it fer old man Bascom had
screwed it to the floor! - , ,.
"When Jerry kim to he eave one look
at the bride, an said kinder solemn
like:., ;. "f ;- m,.':
: " 'I guess my luck had changed.'
"An' I guess "it had. Fer that was
twenty years ago, an' old man " Bas
com's revenge has bin goin' right on
without stoppin' fer Sunday or the
Fourth of Jury!" Detroit Free Press.
IS DONE WITH AMcRICA.
On her arrival from London, It being
her twenty-sixfn trip across the ocean,
the Inspector at New York plunged into
the baggage of Kuhne Beveridge, the
sculptress, and forced her tn nav Sins
i .-r "
duties before releasiuer hpr drsaaas sha
declares that she is "done" with Amer
ica. .. .
She Was 8ure.'" :
"What makes you so sure that man
is less than 35?" asked the young wo
"There isn't the slightest doubt in
the matter," answered Miss Cayenne.
'He keeps bragging of what he knows
about human nature." Washington
Not an Angel.
First Actress I thought he was your
Second Actress I thought so. too." I
"Lacks wings, eh?"
"Well, his money lacks wings, at anv
rate." Detroit Journal.
The man Who makes trouble hptswn
two women gets more' enjoyment out
of it than the women do.
Tt la x- 1. .. . n , .
mti i ,m. t.
"v juu UWI, mau 11 IB lO B.UOW a
great deal that ts
of no earthlv use.
Aluminum and mampulnm haTr M
cently been combined in Germany to
produce an alloy which does not rust,
ana wmcn is as ugnt and tenacious as
pure aluminum, while it can be worked
with the file and the lathe. It la named
T T . - - .
iuuwie Mona has dlacnvprml a
method for producing Illuminating gas
uu coai gas at an expense of 4 cents
a thousand feet It la thnnot that this
will effect a revolution by cheapening
eiminc power ana it will also have an
Important bearins- on the nrodnotlnTi of
The SUn'S surface la bnnwn tn h mh.
Ject to greatly increased disturbances
every eleven years, known as the sun
spot period. Auroral displays and dis
turbances of the partih'a - ma irnaflom
have a similar period, and the pictures
or me corona which have been obtained
show markedly characteristic varipHpa
of form dependent also upon the sun-
spot period. -Bo one of the principal
efforts of scientists of late years has
been to obtain pictures of the corona
witn as mucb detail as possible.
A -remarkable discover? Bv. Cantain
rr n n . 1
f. llPflBV In tna Kimnlnn Unit,.
tains, Is that of
' ( Miiwuiui, U1UUU'
plant called crass wrack, at an pIpvb.
tlon of 16,500 feet more than 10,000 feet
uiguer man the summit of Mount
Washinirton. The Dhinta y wapa nt
growing, but were found, with their
leaves ana rruit deposited In a bed ten
or twelve feet thick - whi.h woa
ered and interspersed with strata of
oiue ciay. xne explanation offered is
that the deposit once formed part of the
Dottom of a salt lake. ' - -
Mr. Beddard. of the T,muinn XakIki.
cal Society, calls attention tfi a nppnllnn.
ity of the ears of tigers which he thinks
may oe classed under the head of "pro
tective markings." On the hack of
each ear is a very brleht whitp nt
and when the ears aro MrantaA fr,.
ward these snots are cnnsnleimim from
the front. Mr. Beddard suggests that
when the tieer is sleenlnir In tho Hm.
1 1 1. i - n .. .
01 a cave or thicket the spots on
ears may appear to an enemy, look
ing in, as the gleam of its watchful
eyes, and thus save the sleeper from
an unexpected attack, v
The earthquake waves due to the Jan-
uirae shock or June 15, 1896. were re
corded . on the self-registering tide
uKes at uonoiuiu and at Saucelito, In
the bay of San FraiHMaon. n, rihavin.
JJavison has recently compared the cal
tuiateu velocity or the earthquake
waves with the velocity formerly cal
culated from the usual formula- He
found that at Saucelito. for' mmnk
the first crest of the waves reached the
tide gauge ten hours an1 thtrt-ir-f,,.
minutes after the shock, having trav-
creeu m mis ume the distance of 4,787
miles at an average velocity of 664 feet
a secona. - - i - :
It has been observed th&t on n piMnnt
of the absence of an atmosnhere on tho
moon, and the consequent lack of grada
tion in snaaows, the eye of the observer
is seriously misled In iudsrinir tllp nntn-
al relief of objects forming the lunar
lanuscapes. tToressor Prinz, of Brus
sels, has recently develoned a. mptw
of avoiding this difficulty, and of seeing
me craiers ana otner details on the
moon in their natural Dronortinna. tv.
ing advantage of the fact that as the
moon; travels around the earth the ec
centricity of its orbit Drodnce tlm of.
feet of a slow libration, or balancing to
ana iro. wmcn cansps its ra tn
inclined now a little one wav and nnw
a little the other way. Professor Prinz
manes two photographs of the lunar
oDject to be studied, t opposltepolnts in
the libration. and then combines them
in a stereoscope, whereupon the object
stands forth -in fnll rpliolr Thi
. luio JjI m-
clple has hitherto been applied only "to
pnotograpns or the moon as a whole,
and not to particular craters or regions!
"ONE CENT POSTAGE COMING."
Ukely to Bo Brought About by In-
t ' - creiae in Business.
"All over the country men engaged
In the postal service are watching in
tently the progress of affairs in the va
rious orancnes or the mail business,"
said A. J. Ball, chief clerk of the rail
way mail service, to an Indianapolis
News man. "The signs In all direc
tions point to the greatest vear the DM.
vice has ever had. On the Indianapolis
railroads, which form the main chan
nel for the movement of mails hetwppn
the East and West the volume of busi
ness during the winter has been with
out precedent . There are more nnatnl
cars In service, they are hauling more
mail and utilizing more postal clerks
than ever before. Durlne- the enriv
spring the volume has been tremend
ously heavy and this mqvement of mail
shows the DUlsations of businena affair
generally throughout the country. ' Be-
ports say mat with the beginning of
the new fiscal year, the financial re
ceipts will show a profit of $2,000,000
to the postofflce department of the
United States. If such a showing is
made I nredict that the nennln nf this
country are on the eve of penny letter
postage. It is bound to follow 'soon
after the postal receipts show a profit
of $2,000,000 to the postofflce depart
ment of the United States. ' If such a
showing is made I predict that the peo
ple of this country are on the eve of
penny letter postage. ; it is bound to
follow: soon after the postal receipts
I show a profit." :-: -'. - 1;, ;
I Chief Clerk Ball has been In the railway-mail
service since May 12, : 1880,
He tossed mail In a railway postal car
for years, and worked his way to the
bead of the mail service between Pitts
burg and St Louis, the second largest
branch of the service in ' the United
States. . '
"I think it was in 1883 or 1884," Mr.
Ball says, "that the postal business
made a profit From the year Jt was
established, up to that time, there had
been a deficiency every year. As soon
as there was a profit Congress cut the
cost of sending a letter. Before that
reduction the price was 3 cents for a
half-ounce. The reduction was to 2
cents. - The day 2-cent postage went
into effect people throughout the land
began writing letters in greater num
ber. I do not remember that the year
following; ' the reduction ahnwiut an
perceptible difference in the volume of
mau nanaiea in the railway service,
bnt I do know there waa a rradnal
increase every year after that time and
ui recent yean tne Increase naa been
"To cut the price of sending a letter
mrougn tne mails to 1 cent will mean
to swell the volume of letters all out
of proportion to the present number
mat people are writing, it will cause
a new age of letter writing, both in
business and private correspondence.
one or tne bugbears of the rail way
mall service now la the clrcular-bnai.
ness letter that commercial houses and
corporations of all kinds send out. The
letters are unsealed, carelessly addressed-
and AM toHlnna fnr rutotol yila!,,
1 - ,w.vu VI JVUL111 1.11.1 ,o LU
handle. With 1-cent postage I believe
me oia business circular will become
a thing of the past"
. SHE FOLLOWED HER CUE.
The Elderly Aant from the Country
- ani Her Conversation.
When the elderly aunt was here she
was invited out to dinner with the fam
ily and had no thought of refusing. She
has a heart in her as big as ''the pro
verbial Yankee cheese; but by way of
comparison, her bump of - inanlsltire-
ness Is as large aa the new county
building. That is why the nephew had
a little private talk with her, says the
Detroit Free Press.
"You see, auntie," he began, diplo
matically. "It is different in the cltv.
There is not the same freedom of soeech
uuiuug; uieuua um nwignDors, we are
more conservative, as it were." '
"Don't gossip so much, von mean
her nose and chin rising In unison. "You
mmit I m grass-fed, as some of you
metropolis people of culture and re
finement put it I'll not disgrace you,
iommy. l'u ask no questions that are
not suggested by the conversation. Is
that a safe rule?" : -:
'Perfectly, auntie. Pardon me for
thinking that I mlarht eive vou a hint.
"Worked splendidly." the aunt reoort
ed after the affair was over. "I had
heard vou talklnir over a ovwl mint m.
pofts about these Deoole. von know.
so I knew how to set my stakes. When
ne tola me he had made a pile- - on
stocks I asked him if he had an idea nf
settling up the debts he ran away from
aown m Hew Jersey. - You never see a
man get so red and he chanced in a
wink to talking: about his familv. 'l it
true, - says il, this scandalous report
mat you ana your wife were both di
vorced before you married each oth
er r :- --:
"Heavens!" '. ' " " '' ;-: .
"I thought he was eoinsr Into a con
nlption, but I talked sympathetic and
una mm mat me world wouldn't care
how much he owed or how manv nre-
vious wives er husbands there was, now
mat ne is rich. That did the business.
for he told me in the Dleasantest wav
that people who had never . married
were the best judges of such matters
ana said be was sorry that he and his
ramiiy would be unable to see any
more of me while I'm here. I knew t
could take care of mvself "
mere was nothing for the.nenhew tn
do but groan until he got to the base
ment, where he could sav thins- nut
ioua to nimself. . -; - ... -
; FLOWERS FOR MARKET.
Strannely Nr sleeted Opportunities for
rroni in tne South. -Florida'
is erowine Bermuda nnlnno
Bermuda potatoes, etc.; is It not rea
sonable to suppose she could grow Ber
muda, lilies as well? As a matter of
fact lilies as fine as. can be produced
in the world are already being grown
in Florida, but so far nnhndv seems tn
have gone into the business regularly
ror supplying the Northern markets.
Florida - lilies mlcht be shinned, tn n
Northern - destination in shorter time
and arrive In better shape than Is possi
ble from the Island of Bermuda
the Savannah, Ga Neurit The seml-
rropicai climate or south: Keorgla and
Florida Is especially suited to the irrow-
lng of flowers. . The floral wealth of the
r emusuia estate, inaeea, gave, it Its
name.1 Oddly enoueh. however, the
most of the flowers are grown In the
North. Down here we pay little atten
tlon to their commercial DOBsihllltlea
In cold Pennsylvania. and New York
ana corner ftiicnigan several men have
become millionaires in the seed hnsi.
ness, notwithstanding they were under
tne necessity or providing expensive
giass covers ror tneir young plants. In
Southern Florida there would never oe
necessity for coverine voune nlanta
Bulbs for hyacinths, tuberoses and the
various other bulb plants could be
brought practically to maturity in Flor-
iuh. m time tor smpment.to the North
to catch theearly sprine warmth a-nrf
delight the Northerners with ' strong,
perfecfearly open-air blooms. It seems
there ought to be monev In tho hnih
and seed business in South Georgia and
lonaa to tnose who go about the bust
ness intelligently and are williug to
give time and patience to the wnrfe nf
building up a reputation.
King's Lonx-Sought Photograph.
After waiting about twenty years
the king has come -into possession of a
photograph for which he has sought
Lever since his marriage to Queen Alex
andra. It is a photograph of the queen
herself as she was Just before the king
first met her. ' It Is said that for some
reason only one copy remained unde
stroyed, and this could not be traced
until twenty years ago, when -it was
accidentally seen by a high personage
at court in the album of a well known
society lady. - The latter on being ap
proached was not disposed to part with
the prize even to the king, who, when
turning over the album which contain
ed it from time to time, used jokingly
to rerer to it as "my portrait" - Since
he ascended the throne it is' under
stood that the owner of the photograph
has sent it to Windsor. Sussex News.
Any Old Thing.
Mr. SDunk Oh. yon needn't innin...
In heroics, my dear; yon know you were
ready to marry any old thinr when t
Mrs. Spunk I admit it Henrv- that
describes perfectly what I married.
Ohio State Journal. -
Nothing in It. .
'Mercy V exclaimed Mrs. Schnnner
I've lost my pocketbook!"
"Never mind, dear,? replied Mr
Schopper, "pocketbooks are cheap. I'U
buy you another." Philadelphia Press.
LET US ALL LAUGH,
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
Plrufint Incident Occmrrhma;
World Over Sayings that Ara Cheer
ful to Old or Young- Fuuj Salac-
tioaa that Toa Will Enjoy.
Mr. Hoon I am convinced that the
groom at last . night's wedding was
eitner a wiaower or a bigamist -
Mrs. Hoon Good gracious! What
makes you think so?
Mr. Hoon Whv. didn't von nntle
4 mat he looked neither scared nor sneak
ing during the ceremony? Puck.
Mrs. Jinks why are people who get
married often called the 'contracting
Mr. Jinks I don't know about the
bride, bat think how small the grofem
usually looks! Puck.
Parson What are you here for?
Prisoner I was a stenographer in
bank, and was caught taking notes.
Their Way. 7
Farmer Honk What sort of people
are your city relatives that are vlsitin'
up at your house, 'Gustus?
Farmer Bentback (grimly) Aw
They're the kind that when they pay
ye a visit act like they wanted a re
ceipt for it Puck. , ; ";
- Aa to the Cafah-
'Cool player! Great presence of
minar - , . .
'That's right He never foreets that
me umpire can fine him ten dollars."
One Aeainst the Horae.
'There's one good thing about an au
"It doesn't try to-run. up to every
watering-fountain it comes to." Puck,
" He Knew ce .- Ytnntnma-
Charlie Loveday Cm, ah. Er, er
erj itr-r ne: he '
"Jeweler" (to his 'assistant! Brins
mat tray or engagement rings here.
tienry. stray stones.
""' InheritMl Tfnlto.
"How Ignorant Miss SwamDer is of
"She inherits it Her father is a his
torical novelist" Life."' -
V-' -. Exchange.
'You owe this country nearlv everv
ming you possess In literature," re
marked tne Englishman. :
Yes,"-answered the American bus!
ness man. "But by the time our capi
talists get through, you may owe us
enough for locomotives -' and other
things to more than offset the account
Washington Star. ' : ;
A Clear Case.
'Senator," she asked, "do vou believe
in tne survival of .the fittest?"
'I do," he replied "as lone as the
nttest has the patronage to distribute "
Dear me!" I'm afraid- Mr. Gmnch
didn't like his breakfast this morning
- -,v - N.m1m1 . Ha. "', ...
Mrs, Suburbs How are ran o-ettln
aiong without a hired girl?
Mrs, cities Very badlv." : I never
could work rieht nnless I had snme n.
over me. t-miaaelpUia Record.
Jack I saw a deaf mute man taurine
on nis nngers to a aeaf mute girl to
day. . - ' - -
Kitty What was be savinir?
Jack "I love you more than wnrH.
can utter." - - .. . -
Not a Life Offlc.
'Are you afraid to be ens-appd tn that
'No: I'll mispronounce a wnri snme
day, and she'll throw me over."
Acqnla'tlon of Knowledge
'Well,-and what have von lpasneH
at college, Clarice?" we asked, anxious
to know how our niece had -nrnfite v
her residence at a distant Institution of
"I learned to do up my hair in nine
teen - different ways." : replied she.
First Menagerie Keeper What's
Second Menagerie '. Keeper Keen
that curtain down until I get the sacred
cow's hump on straight Ohio State
A Money Separator.
Young Milyunne has so much money
he doesn't know what to do with It"
Why doesn't he go Into politics?
Ohio State Journal, -
, . -' Her Idea af It.
"Cnarley, dear," said young Mrs.
Torklns, "I wish you would save up
your money and buy a yacht" -"What
- "XVe need so many things for the ta
ble. And winning races seems such a
cheap way to get silverware." Wash
- - Love Finds the Way.
Laura Her father cast her off wltll
out a penny when she married without
his consent. .
- Claire How did they manage?
"Oh, they published two volumes of
their love letters." Life.
Aa It Beemed to Him. .
"Papa, what does the phrase ln due
time mean?" Benny Bloobumper
"First of the month, I guess," replied
"Yes," Miss Frocks went on, "Mr.
Tenipleton and I are to be married.
Why don't yon offer congratulations?"
"Oh, I've no grudge against Temple
ton," replied the crusty bachelor.
Always Sjmeth ns; Gelna; On.
"Any June news out in your su
burb?" , '.
"Yes, oh yes; three new kinds of bugs
oh our rose bushes."
Hii Bedeemlaa; Po'nt.
"Skitts is utterly lazy and worth
"Oh, I don't know; he is entitled to
some credit for not letting: anvthinz
worrv him "
Quick Action. ' '
"I' got 'quick action on my garden
seeds," said Cumso. . "They came up
next day." '
"How do you account for such rapid
germination?" asked Cawker.
"My next door neighbors' hens did it
with their little scratchers.'1 .
The Trick of Trade.
Mr. Jacksing Ye see dat pomperous
lookin' gen'lemun 'cross de street ? Dat
am Cuhnel Snowball, de riches' gen'le
mun in Dahkville." - - -
Mr. Johnsing Snob! von dnn' aavi
Whah'd he git dat money?
Mr. Jacksing Manufacturing face
powdah, sab. An (contidpntlallvi tn
tell de hones' troof I Inspec' dat de bull
proposition of dat powdah am nutbin'
moh dan powdahed.chaheoal, sah."
"Did you succeed In arouslne anr In
terest in your recent political cam
"I did better than tn arnnso Intercut
answered Senator Sorghum. ' "I man
aged, to stir up a few dividends."
Mrs. Ruddy I want some trimming
to match this dress.
Shopwalker Yes. madam. Mr. Jakes.
some trimming; Shrimp Pink, to match
this Lobster. Ally Sloper.
ST . The Clou I.
He There, dear, after tnir np Ann1
planning for years, we have at last
been able' to buy this beautiful home,
and you ought to be. perfectly, happy.
sner-But I'm not . ...
He What's the matter? t " '". "'
She I know we shall Jiever be ah'e '
to sell .itHarper's Bazar. ; '
i-. Something; .Wrons. t,
Willie Say, pa, my Sunday school
teacher says if I'm good I'll go to heav
en. . .
Pa WeU? : . ..'.'
WiUie WelL you said if I was eood
I'd go to the -circus. : Now. I -want -to
know who's lyin', you or her? Phila
delphia Press. ...
An old pew-opener - in" an English
country church was in attendance on
the rector, the church wardens and a
city architect with a view to church
restoration. - aia me architect' ook-
ing the woodwork with his cane:
"There's a great deal of dry rot in
these pews, Mr,. Rector." . Before the
latter could reply the old woman cut
in with: "But, law, sir, it ain't nothink
to what there is in the pulpit"
Nell She used to boast that she was
one of the charter members of the
Woman's Suffrage Club. She doesn't
appear to be as proud of it now. Belle
Oh, she's Just as proud, but you know .
the club was organized fifteen' yea
ago, and she must have been .at least
20 when she joined. Philadelphia -Record.
- ' ': ""' . .- - . -,
Sue You said you were going to mar
ry an artist and now you're engaged
to a dentist Flo Well, isn't he aa art
ist? He draws from real life! Phila
delphia Bulletin. '
- Cnder the Strain.
What makes him stoop that way, papa.
-What makes him stoop that way?"
The thousand cares that weigh upon
The poor man day by day."
Why doesn't he cat loose, papa, .
Why doesn t he cut loose? '
Because the more he gets the more "
He wants, yon little goose."
And if he strikes it rich, papa.
Oh, do you think he'll quit?"
The father merely shook his head
And gravely answered, "Nit
Why will he bear the strain, papa,
Why will he bear the strain?" ,
He and his wife see dizzy heights r .
That they are wild to gain."
"And when they gain them will they have
Contentment' asked tne lad.
"No, there will still be other things ',
That they will wish they had."
How will it be at last papa.
How will it be at last?"
He'll search for pleasure when the time
For happiness Is past."
Chicago Record-Herald. ; -
You can tell a man's age as soon as
he turns out his whiskers. -