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ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON, DECEMBER 29, 1882.
NO. 21.
" "" ' " "' " ' II I M ..
UP THE flllXaEY.
A CHKISTMAS STORY.
Christmas Eve, the day of all days in
the year when gladness and joy fill all
hearts where tinalleviated misery has
not too strong: a foothold to deny them
admission! Happier even, than Christ
mas Day, for anticipation is the keenest
of delights nnclouded with the shadow
of disappointment which too often
darkens the reality of anticipated pleas
ures.
The streets of the city were thronged
with people of all ages, classes and con
ditions. all animated with the same mo
tive, all bent on errands of preparation
for the, morrow, aet there were many
faces in this throng in which the lines of
suffering seemed to deepen at the sight
of fo many happy ones with whom they
could hold no fellowship. The comforts
and luxuries which were so prodigally
displayed were not for them to enjoy.but
for more favored, though not more de
serving ones. The cup of adversity has
many bitter ingredients, but its bitter
ness is never so thoroughly realized as
when it is partaken of in the presence
of a feast of universal joy aud merriness.
Some of this bitterness had entered
the heart of George Howard as he sat
moodily before the fire, heedless of the
prattle and sport of his little ones, and
apparently unmindful of the presence of
his cheery little wife. A very decided
frown had settled upon his face, and his
meditations were evidently not of the
pleasantest character. His wife soon no
ticed this, and for a moment her face in
dicated a slight cloud of the contagious
melancholy. Very slight, however, for
her's was a sunny nature and yery soon
dispelled the clouds of trouble which at
times o'crshadowed it. She scanned her
husband's face for a moment, and then
said:
"George, what day of the month is
, this?"
"Oh, pooh!" answered George, rather
peevishlv: why do you ask such a
ouestion? You know it i3 Christmas
Eve."
"Then with to-morrow comes Christ
mas," responded the wife, "and I think
it is near enough at hand to justify us in
bain? merry. Come. George, drive away
the blues, for I know you are entertain-
insr these visitors, aud then let us forget
for a time that such things as troubles
exist."
4,Ah. Nell v." said George, sadly, "it
is easy enough to say, 'begone, dull
care! but not so easy to keep disagreea
ble facts out of mind which force care to
remain. I have tried to bear up against
the pressure of our troubles; I have
tried to nourish the hope that better
times would bring us relief. I have tried
to content myself with the reflection that
greater afflictions have been spared us.
You and our darling little ones are
blessed with good health, and I should
feel myself a wretch who deserved pun
ishment if I did not think of these
things and be grateful for them. But I
must acknowledge that when I went out
on the street to-day and saw so many
happy faces, saw the bustle of prepara
tion for Christmas day, and saw on all
sides, abundance to satisfy the most prod
ical tastes and desires when I saw all
these and reflected that I was a strong,
healthy man, but penniless, out of work
and in debt well, melancholy claimed
me for her own."
Nelly was a little angel, but she was
sufficiently a woman to drop a sympa
thizing tear, taking care, however to con
ceal it from George,
"Well," she observed, "our situation
is not the best, but we must remember it
is not yet the worst."
"I don't know about that," answered
George, moodily. "I have been out of
work six months, and that, too, soon
after my three months of sickness. Our
money is gone, our credit has followed
after it. The times, instead of reviving
are becoming every day more stringent,
and tuey tell me there will be no chance
to'secnre work before spring. Now, here
is "Christmas at hand. It has always
been a gala day with us. The little ones
bless their darling little hearts have
always had something to make them
happy, but now they must be told what
they can't understand, that Santa Claus
is bankrupt, for their hearts will be as
empty as their little stockings to-morrow
morning."
"Don't be too sure of that," said
Nelly, in a very wise manner. " 'Where
there's a Will there's a way.' Now I
have a little secret which I didn't mean
to tell you, George, but you are so very,
very dismal to-night that I will try and
console you a little with the intelligence
that Christmas is already provided for,
and we are going to celebrate it to-morrow
in the good old-fashioned way. We
shan't stuff ourselves to death, nor swill
egg-nog, but we shall have good food to
eat and plenty of it, and moreover, the
children (in a whisper) will have their
stockings full to-morrow morning."
"But you mystify me. How are you
going to work such a miracle?" -
Well, that s the secret l was going to
let out. You know I am very handy
with the crochet needle. Well, those
beautiful patterns I donated to the or
phans' fair were purchased by a lady
who wanted half a dozen more to dis
tribute as Christmas gifts. So she called
on me and wanted me to make them for
her. Of course I got up on my dignity
and told her that I was not doing such
things for a living, but if it would be an
accommodation to her, I supposed I
could do it. So there; now you have ray
secret, which I assure you, you wouldn t
have had had I not regarded it as a for
lorn hope."
"My darling," said George, "it pains
me to think that I have brought you to
this; but oh, it's a sweet consolation to
know that the fires of affliction only
make my treasure shine the brighter.
Weu I married you I little thought that
my circumstances would ever permit
you to have a want unfilled, a wish un
ratified. I supposed I was bringing you
to a home which you could always call
your own. l supposed my lamer s
estate would leave mo in comfortable cir
cumstances, but my expectations were
not realized. The unhappy fate of my
poor lather destroyed an those pros
pects." "George," said Nelly, "you have
never told me the i circumstances con
nected with your father's last years. I
have never liked to ask yon, because I
knew the subject was an unpleasant one
to you. But, as wcs are talking of it,
why not satisfy my woman's curiosity
now?"
"I will," answered: George. "It is a
sad theme to me. I acknowledge not
on account of the pecuniary disasters
attendant upon it, but the recollection of
my father's sad affliction, the loss of his
mind. - My father, you know, was a well-to-do
merchant, and was at one time con
sidered a man of considerable wealth.
My mother died when I was a mere lad,
and my father, after giviug ma a liberal
education, apprenticed me to a machin
ist, in accordance with his theory that
every man ought to have a trade to fall
back on. Precious little reliance it is in
these times, though, i However, I mas
tered my trade, and was pronounced a
skillful workman. I returned home in
tending to make a brief visit and then
commence work in earnest. I had been
absent some four years, and was princi
pally struck with the great change in my
father. I left him a hale, hearty, gener
ous, open-hearted old man. J iound him
a nervous, attenuated, niggardly miser
hardly a shadow of his former self. He
informed mo that ha had met with s.-me
severe losses in his business, which had
so crippled him that he was obliged to
wind up his affairs. He had managed to
save this house and lot out of the wreck,
but the great bulk of his fortune, ho said,
had vanished up the chimney.
"This was a favorite expression ef his,
equivalent to the modern one, 'up the
spout.' As his mind weakened he grew
more reserved and cautious. He was
under continual apprehensions of some
fresh disasters,' an 1 cautioned me daily
not to be rash and impetuous as he had
been, lest my property should vanish as
his had, up the chijaney. It was abonc
this time that I met - you, Nelly, und
meeting you, knew you and loved you.
You did not discourage my addresses,
and I determined to shape my affairs
so that I could in a short time ask you
to become my wife. But my father, by
some meana. discovered my secret.
and thorfi I realized that his mind
was indeed a wreck. He did not forbid
my marrying you. lie did not tnreaten
or expostulate. He only begged and en
treated in the mosl piteous manner that I
should not leave him; t and when I pro
posed to bring you here, he only cried.
and declared that if I did so. we were
ruined; that bouse and home, every
thing, would vanish as the rest had done
up the chimney. X saw that he was
not in a condition to be influenced by
reason; so I was forced to give you up,
Nelly, for a time, and do all I could to
administer what little comfort I could to
my father in his declining years. I ho le
I was a faithful son to him. God knows
I tried hard to be, and while mv life was
embittered with the consciousness that
I must be content to love vou without
calling you wife, I felt that it was sancti-
hed by this costly sacrifice to filial love.
But the end came.
"My father lay on his death bed, and a
kind Providence, for a few momeats, re
moved the vail which had shrouded his
reason, and the old light of intelligence
beamed in his eyes. He called me to
him and said. 'George. I have been
living in a dream. I see it now. Mv
reoollection of the past is dim, but I
know enough to realize that I have ex
acted great sacrifices of yon. But the
term of yonr exile is ended. Marrv the
girl of your choice. She is a treasure.
and is endowed with graces and beauties
of mind as well a person. I give you ;
both mv dying blessing. B it there is
one thing more I must speak of. I had
money, George; I vl, it from the
wreck; it was gold; it i.Ts' m, George.'
But the curtain fell agaf'and he fell
back gasping 'up ihe chimney!' aud
then died.
"When his affairs were settled up no
effects were left but this house. I mar
ried yon, Nelly, thinking that with a
house already secured, I could easily
provide for you with my earnings; but
misfortune came first sickness, then in
ability to obtain employment. Our lit
tle savings melted awav. Then the
house was mortgaged, and mortgaged so
heavily that next month, when it is to be
sold, there will be nothing left for nsbut
the scanty stock of furniture. Oh. if I
corld but get out into the country.
where money-kings and monopolists can
not control the growing crops and forbid
the earth yieldincr no it3 ritshas. I feel
that I should be a man again and no
longer a mere tool to bo picked nn and
laid down at the will of my masters.
George's rem iuisuorx'e wan here brought
toael'.e by little Harry climbing upon
his knee aud exclaiming:'
l'ap i, I e;iu t find no place to han;
my stooBin . i
"Hang it on the chimney, of course,"
answered Georgw.
"But there uia't no nil on the chim
ney." "Drive one, thini, you're mechanic
eoongh for that.'
That suited Harry exactly, and he was
soon at work, mounted on a chair, with
nail and hammer ia hand. He was not
successful in his effort, for when he was
giving the nail a smart final blow it
bonnded out and flew across the room.
"Try again, Harry," said George.
The boy did try again, but with no
better success. ;
"Try it in another place," suggested
his father.
Harry did as direoted, but away went
the nail again. .
"You had better do it," said Nelly.
"He will have the chimney pretty badly
defaced if he keeps on."
George took the hammer and nail and
commenced thumping with the hammer
to find a suitable place. Hark! what
noise was that? There was a stifled, but
distinct, jingle that responded to every
blow of George s hammer. It caught the
ears of husband and wife simultaneously.
They looked at each other with a strange
expression. Then George struck again
Yes, there was something in that vicinity
which gave forth a very unmistakable
jingle. Then a sudden light gleamed in
Nelly's eyes. She commenced to
tremble violently. Then she whispered
excitedly:
"Tear out the chimney, George.quick!
Who knows but
But George had caught Nelly's
expression, and soon blow after
blow rained in quick succession
upon the chimney while the hidden
something jingled its applause. Tllere
was only a thick wall of plastering to
hammer away. It was only a few sec
ond's work and ah! what have we here?
A strong iron box, and so heavy that
when Geonre attempted to pry it out of
its tomb it slipped from his hands and
came down on the floor with a terrible
crash. Then there was a terrible jingle,
as if three cheers were being given for
freedom. Then the iron box was lifted
up, turned over and shaken. Then
George kicked it, and there's no telling
what ho wouldn t have done, if Nelly
hadn't suggested, "File it open, George,
why don't you!"
No sooner said than acted ' upon. The
tools were produced, and swifter work
was never done than that which con
quered the stubborn lid; but yield it had
to, and when the lid was lifted, and anx
ous, excited yes, frightened eyes looked
into the box, what do they behold
what but layer after layer of shining,
glittering gold? The light seemed to
dance a jig over its bright, shining face,
as if it wanted to say, "Ah, I've found
you at last, have I?"
George looked at the treasure. in stu
pefied amazement. He rubbed his eyes,
gave the box a kick and looked again.
Then he turned to Nelly with a serio
comic air, and said:
"Pinch me, Nelly."
He was accommodated so realistically
that he was satisfied that he wa awake.
Then the yellow boys were counted out,
one by one. Tens a jolly Christmas
provided for; hundred debts all paid
and abundance for the winter; thousands
the mortgage paid off and a free and
unencumbered home secured; tens of
thousands wealth, independence, a
beautiful home in the country, prosper
ity and happiness! Ah, there was hap
piness in that little home that night
which no pen cm portray. There were
countenances so radiant with joy and
gratitude that no painter could sketch
them. Didn't those stockings hang full
to repletion next morning, and didn't
that table groan under the weight of
delicacies prepared by Nelly's own
hands?
George's heart was almost too full to
permit him to crave a blessing, and when
he faltered in conclusion, "iVe would
thank Thee,0 God, that thou hast caused
our trouble to vanish vanish " little
Bobby saw his embarrassment and
prompted, "Up the chimney."
For and About Vfoiujn.
Colonel Frederick A. Conkling intro
duced Miss Emily Faithful and her lec
ture upon "The Changed Position of
Vomen in the Nineteeth Century," to
an audience composed mainly of women,
in Chickering Hall, New York, recently.
"The great need of the time is proper
employment for women," said she. Grad
ually those forms of industry best suited
to her have been usurped by man and
machinery he controls. As long as the
spinning wheel buzzed by the fireside,
women could find employment at home.
But the situation has changed, and hard
necessity has driven women from the re
treat of the home circle. She is found
doing some of the roughest, hardest,
most laborious work. It is but recently
that parliament interfered to take thou
sands of women from the collieries.
Fifty thousand women hawk fish
and vegetables in Great Britain
and thousands drudgo out their
lives at agricultural labor. In hundreds
of factories women are employed at work
harder than that done by the men in the
same establishments. In the porcelain
factories of Stoffordshire women are for
bidden to uiie hand rests, and are thus
prevented from turning out work com
paring with that of the men. Through
out the entire field of labor woman in
England is debarred from competing
with man in the lucrative branches.
"Is it not silly to tell her that her
proper place is the home circle,
in the face of woman's excess of
five per cent, over the number- of
men ? Unless we adopt Mormonism.
we must allow her to support herself.
To-day there are 80,000 English gover
nesses who can save nothing against the
demands of age and want, and hundreds
work for food and lodging aloue. The
only way to work a radical cure for this
crying evil is to bogiu at home. Let
mothers see that their girls are thor
oughly trained in some trade or profes
sion. Skilled labor, whether at the
loom or at the easel or in the myriad
branches of industry, will afford a liveli
hood. Every one of tho daughters in
the English royal family is taught a
trade. Woman only wants a man's
training to assume a man's responsi
bilities." Reason wrapped up in a few words
generally of the greatest weight.
is
A Terror.
"Vben is your ma coming back?"
asked the groceryman ot a bad boy; as he
found him standing on the sidewalk when
the grocery was opened in the morning,
taking some pieces of brick out of his
coat tail pockets. "Oh, she got home at
midnight last night," said the boy as he
ate a few blackberries out of .the case.
"That's what makes me up so early. Pa
has been kicking at these pieces ot brick
with his bare feet, and when I came
away he had his toes in one hand and was
trying to get up stairs on one foot. Pa
hain't got no sense."
"I am afraid yon are a terror, said tho
groceryman as he looked at the innocent
face of the boy.1 t'You &x.e always making
your parents some trouble, and it is a
wonder to me they don't send you to. the
reform school. What deviltry was you
up to last night to be kicked this morn
ing?" "No deviltry, just a little fun. You
see,. ma went to Chicago to stay a week,
and she got tired and telegraphed she
would be home last night; and pa was
down town, and I forgot to give him the
dispatch. After he went to bed me and a
chum thought we would have a Fourth of
July. You see my chnm has got a big
sister, and he hooked some of her clothes,
and after pa got a snoring we put some of
them in his room. Oh, you d a laughed.
We put a pair of No. 1 slippers with blue
stockings down in front of the rocking
chair beside pa's boots and a red corset
on the chair, and my chum's sister's best
silk , dress on another chair, and a hat
with a white feather on the bureau, and
some frizzles on the gas bracket, and
everything that we could find that be
longad to girls in my chum s sister s
room. Oh, we got a red parasol, too,
and left it right in the middle of the
floor.
"Well, when I look at the layout and
heard pa snoring I thought I should die.
You! see, ma is easily excited. My chum
slept with me that night, and when we
heard the door bell ring I stuffed a pil
low in my mouth. There, was no one
to meet ma at the depot, and she hired a
hack and came right up. Nobody heard
the bell but me. and I bad to go down
and let ma m. bhe was pretty angry,
you bet, at not being met at the depot
Where s your lather said she, as
she began to go" up stairs. "I told her I
guessed pa had gone to sleep by this
time, and that he'd gone to bed an hour
ago. ; Then l slipped up-stairs and
looked over the banisters. Ma said
something about heaven and earth, and
where is the huzzy, and a lot of things I
could not hear; and pa swore and said its
no such thing, and the door slammed,
and they talked for two hours.
"I s pose they finally laid it to me, as
they always do. cause pa called me very
early this morning, and when I came
down stairs he hurt my feelings, j see
they had my chum's sister's clothes all
pinned up in a newpaper, and 1 s pose
when I go back I will have to carry them
home, and then she ll ue down on me
too. I'll tell yon what, I've a good no
tion to take some shoemaker's wax and
stick my chum on my back and travel
with a circus as a double-headed boy
from Borneo. A fellow could have more
fun and not get kicked all the time."
And the boy sampled some strawberries
in a case in front of the store, and went
down the street whistling for his chum,
who was looking out of an alley to see if
the coast was clear.
A Scientific xperlmnt.
"Yes, sir; it is one of the most singu
lar scientific facts," said one hard-looking
man with a big mustache, a big
glass diamond, and a plug hat, to an
other gentleman of the same species as
an unsophisticated -looking stranger en
tered the card room of a Market street
saloon and took a seat;
"I don't believe it it don't seem nat
ural, objected the otuer ingenuous
party fumbling with his two pound
oroide chain.
"1 11 bet you twenty on it, and 1 II put
i ti.: xl 1, .3'" I
he money up in this gentleman's hand's
said the first speaker, motioning toward
the farmer. i!
"Guess I'll have to go you," said the
other fishing out a consumptive buck
skin and producing a rather dubious
looking gold note.
"What's- the question, gentlemen?"
said the granger timidly, as he brushed
some hayseed off his sleeve and ordered
a beer.
"Why, just this," explained the first
Kearney street chromo. "I was telling
my friend here that if a man ties a band-
age tight around his head he can drink
all the beer he can hold without feeling
it can't get drunk, in fact."
"Then s'posin' he takes the baud
age off?" asked the farnyar, much inter
rested. "Why, then, of course, it all flies to
his head, and he gets fuller'n a tick in
less than s'teen minutes. Now, I'll tell
you what we'll do, stranger. We'll pay
for all the beer yon can stretch your
self over, and if the experiment doesn't
turn out as I say, you hand the stakes
over to my friend here."
"Am I to be stakeholder, too?" said
the rustic, as the coin was turned over.
"All set fire away."
"Here, waiter, twenty-five beers!"
shouted one of the sports, while the
backer of scientific facts tied the'
granger's red bandana so tight around
his head the delegate from the tomato
counties couldn't get his eyes shut.
Thirty-five glasses disappeared down
the agricultural beer trap, but still the
importation from Petaluma smiled
blandly 'at his enteitainers, and con-,
versed without the slightest signs of a
hiccough, much to the delight of the in
stigator of the test.
"Now." exclaimed that
individual,
ugh to make I
much excited, "he's had eno
a horse drunk. Let's take off the band
age."
This was done, and, sure enough, a
surprising change came over the subject,
ills eyes, grew Heavy, his tongue thick,
his head began to wabble, and, pres
enuy, ne supped aown on tne noor a
hopeless 'case of "roller."
"That's all right. Ned." said the first
conspirator, with a chuckle. "He's clean
crone: hurrv ut and ea thronch him.
9 1 t0 O O "
Open his vest these stockmen generally
carry money belts."
"I believe I've got everything now
said the other pal. diving into the last
pocket, 'all except his six-shooter. He's
a queer old chicken to go heeled."
"Oh, hurry up we don't want his
gun."
"I m glad to hear it. gentlemen," said
the inebriate, suddenly sitting up and
cocking the weapon referred to. "Don't
stir, boys. I've got the drop on
just fork lover that plunder.
you, so
"Great Scott! gasped the spots, as
they laid! the stranger s effects on the
table, "what sort of a job is this?"
"Well, the fact is, boys, I'm a detec
tive, and j have been spotting you for a
couple ot boodle-ringers ever since you
sirucK. me town, uej, me see; l win
that $40 and I guess I'll assess you fel
lows aoout a tenner apiece extra for ex
penses diff it out lively. That is all
right, now, my men; where do you hail
from?"
"Chicago," growled the disgusted con
hdence men.
"I thought so. You'll be allowed just
4o hours to shake the town don t forget.
Ta, Ta! Am t you going to set up the
beer before you go?" k
" wen, iyou have gall, muttered one
of the bankrupt firm, as they pulled
their hats over their eyes and filed out.
"asking us to put up more beer how's
that for nerve Mac?"
But Mac s feelings were too deep for
utterance i S. F. Post.
Willing to Come Down a Little.
In riding over to Lost Mountain from
Marietta I came across ayoungman who
was digging post boles for a barbed
wire fence, and when I told him what I
wanted, he replied:
"I'll go with you. I was in that
fight myself, and I kin point out eyery
position. 1
When we reaohed the gronnd he be-
gan telling where this and that regiment
was stationed, and finally he halted be-
side a huge boulder and said:
"Bight here, stranger, was where
squatted ipr lour hours, i rested my
gun right
there on that ledge, and I
reckon I
killed exactly twenty -eight
Yanks tha
t day."
"No!
"Solemn fact,
and I
know a dozen
men who .
1 swear to it."
"Let's see!
This battle was
fought in I
18G4?"
"K'rect jyou are."
"That's about eighteen years ago?
"Jist about."
"And you are about twonty-hve years
old?"
"I was twenty-five this spring.
Then I looked at him for a long time.
hut he never winced. When we were
going home, and after a long period of
silence, he, suddenly remarked:
"stranger, don t you believe l was
thar?" j
remaps you were, out you see vou
were not quite seven years old on the day
of that fight."
"That s what Fve been figuring on."
he continued in a serious voice, 'and I'll
tell you what I m willing to do.
"Well?"
"I'll call it twenty-four . instead of
twent-eight dead Yanks in front of my
position ! J, hat s fair isn t it?
I told him that nothing could be more
liberal, and cordial relations were at
once established.
A Beautiful Tribute to Woman.
Place hey among the flowers, foster her
as a tender plant, and she is a thing of
fancy, waywardness and folly annoyed
a j jJ n.i i it. . i t. -
at a dew-drop, iretted by the touch of a
butterfly s wing, ready to faint at the
sound of a beetle or rattling of a window
at night, overpowered by the perfumes
ot a roseuud. Uut let a real calamity
come, arouse her ahections, enkindle tne
fires of her heart, aud mark her then !
How strong is her heart ! Place her in
the heat of 1 battle, give her a child, a
bird or anything to protect, and see her
in a relative instance lifting her white
arms as a shield, as her own blood crim
sons her upturned forehead, praying for
her own life to help the helpless. Trans
plant her t6 the dark places of the earth,
call her energies to action,and her breath
becomes a healing, her presence is a
blessing. She disputes inch by inch the
strides of stalking pestilence, when the
strong, the brave, the noble, pale and
affrighted shrink away. Misfortunes
haunt her not; she wears away a life of
silence and endnrance; ani Roes forward
with le,s timidity . than for h.r bridal.
In prosperity she is a bud full of odors,
waiting for the wings of adversity to
scatter them abroad gold, valuable, but
untried in the furnace. In short, woman
is a miracle; mystery-! the center from
which radiates the charm of existence
A new contrivance for heating freight
cars been put in use on some of the New
England railroads. The apparatus is an
automatic heater, the flame regulating
itself to the outside tempera tne and
maintaining an even temperature of 40
to 45 degrees inside the car. If it is cold
ontside, the) fire burns more briskly, if
warm, it dies away. The heater is an
oiVstove of peculiar construction and the
heat is conveyed under the floor aud up
the sides of the car on all sides. It is
useful in the North to enable shipments
of apple, pofcea and vegetables in
freezing weatf,.
ALL 8 OUTS.
I When a pretty Irish girl is stolon some
ooy-coiier is suspected.
To a.communlst in a beer saloon the
- 1 ship of State is a schooner.
Black wool dresses remain the favor
ites of American women for ordinary
wear.
The wearer of patched trousers is a
firm believer in the efficacy of patched
ulsters.
It is dangerous to ask a woman idle
questions, when she is adding up a
grdcery bill. .
Marriage msied men thoughtful.
About half their time is spent in form
ing excuses.
It is a popular error to look upon the
wearer of the "mutton-chop" whiskers as
mutton-headed.
Children wear Jerseys, and red is a
stylish color for their whole costume.
from cap. to slippers.
Some pretty fancy wall Dockets come
in the shape of an old-fashiond bellows
for blowing the fire.
New servant: "Oh. if you haven't anr
children I can't come, because whenever
anything is broken there will be nobody
to blame it on but me."
"Need a new hat?" he said. "No. but
I'll tell you in confldencewhy I bought
it. I want folks to think I'm a Demo
crat." Boston Post.
Making fun of English fun: North
countryman to tourist: "Ah!" Tourist to
North countryman: "Ah, hah!" North
countryman retires much disconcerted.
Arkansaw Traveler.
A man at Omaha found $3 on tha
street, and he advertised the find to the
extent of $7, and made the loser foot the
bill. It is sometimes disagreeable to
deal with an honest man.
A Binghamton mail-bag was fouifd in
a New York lager-beer saloon las week.
Nobody who is at all acquainted with
Binghampton males will consider this
strange. Rochester Express.
But one may run a risk once too often.
They stay away from the polls, saying
that one vote can do no good ! Or they
take another step, and say one vote can
do no harm! And vote for something
which they do not approve because their
party or set does. Emerson.
A beautiful young woman, whose veil
caught fire in a Troy. N. Y.. church, re
cently, was rescued by the youthful of
ficiating clergyman, who wrapped her in
his robe's supply several elements of
romance but the usual consequence is
rendered impossible by the fact that this
girl was the "bride of the church" and
her rescuer a priest.
Us Boyi.
Now, boys, when I ask you a ques
tion you mustn't be afraid to speak right
out and answer me. When you look
around and see all the fine houses, farms
and cattle do you ever think who owns
them all now? Your fathers own them.
do they not?"
"Yes, sir, shouted a hundred voices.
"Well, where will your fathers be in
twenty years from now?"
"Dead ! ' shouted the boys.
"That's right. And who'will own this .
property then?"
"Us boys."
"Right. Now tell me, did you ever in
coinr
along a street notice the drunkards
lounging around the saloon-doors wait
o o
ing for some one to treat them?"
"Yes, sir; lots of them.
"Well, where will they be in twenty
years from now?"
"Dead."
"And who will be the drunkards
then?"
"Us boys " shouted the unabashed
youngsters. Albany Press.
Simple Ballads. All great singers
do not despise simple music. Nilsson is
one of the exceptions. "It must not be
supposed," she said to the Philadelphia
Times, "that simple ballads are the eas
iest tasks which fall to the singer's lot. I
may say that I sing them from choice.
because I love them. No lyric
poetry gives me greater pleasure than
the melodies of Moore, the ditties of
Robert Burns, and the many simple,
touching ballads of nameless authors
that live in English homes. I regret
that there are so few genuinely excel
lent modern ballads, although there is
much that delights me in some of Sulli
van's. English and American audiences
are alike fond, I find, of this simple
music. After all. there is not much dif-
ference between the peoples."
An engineer employed on some of the
public works at Szegedin, Hungary,
bought four cigars one day not loner aero
and began to smoke. He had finished
one and laid another, half-smoked, upon
his writing-table when suddenly it ex
ploded, throwing him from his chair and
fS? tr. JS.? "i!
EXSE? .wLiiw Z
hand. Investigation showed that the
cigar had contained a glass tube filled
with nitroglycerine. The fact that
tobacco is a monopoly, manufactured
and sold by dealers licensed by the Gov
ernment, makes the mystery deeper. If
when it exploded he would doubtless
have been killed, a o ire urns tanoe which
does not add to the pleasure of smoking
in Szegedin.
A Cueious Pcoblem. A curious
problem bu suggested itself in Win-
wiiiojj. lucia am UUUUt UW (XJWB lu BUU
about the city, and these
m
produce 1200
gallons of milk per day, yet 4000 gallons
of milk are sold. The question is, how
do the milkmen perform the miracle of
selling 4000 gallons of milk out of the
1200 they get from the cows? The an
swer is said to be, "chalk, lime, salt and
Red river water."
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