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About Coquille City herald. (Coquille City, Or.) 188?-1904 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 28, 1897)
LET US A LL LAUGH. 4ÜKES FROM TH E PENS V A RIOUS H U M O R IS TS . OF IMeaaant I n c i d e n t « O c c u r r i n g the W o r l d O v e r —S a y i n g « th at A r e C he er ful to Old or Young — Funny teelectioua th at Yo u W i l l Knjojr. W here Then? Mrs. Beuhatn—In the next world peo ple will l>e doing the same they do lu this. Ben ham I don’t believe it. Now, I nm a night clerk. How am I to get work In my line if I go where there is no night? Answer me. Mrs. Bonham That’s easy—you won't go there.—Judge. Infortu nate. Kind Lady—Poor fellow, have you no friends? Hap Hazard—No, mum, I liain't got nobody but relatives.—Cincinnati En quirer. No In frin gem en t. Ethel—I ’m sorry to see you so very distant with your next-door neighbor, Jack van Duseii. The Bible says you should love your neighbor as yourself, you know. Dorothy—Yes; but I ’m not at all stuck on myself, you know.—Judge. W h a t He Drea ded. •‘Why is it you never come around to see us any more, Charley? Have we ever done anything to offend you?” ‘‘No, it’s nothing you’ve done, but, If you insist upon having the truth, It’s your children.” “ Our children! Why, what on earth do you mean?” “ You see, they’ve got old enough to recite now.” N o Mi»take*4. It was on the eve of their bridal day. “ Perhaps, after all,” he faltered, gaz ing tenderly, yet seriously, down into her lustrous eyes, “ we shall make a mistake in marrying.” “ How you frighten me, Edwin!” she exclaimed, with a shiver. “ Come, let us rehearse again and make assurance doubly sure.” —Detroit Journal. H o w He Re as one d I t Out. Papa—Charley, please hand me that book, on the table, there. Charley (aged 9)—There he Is, papa. Papa—No, my son, you should not say “ there he Is,” but “ there it is.” Charley—Wliy, pnpav It’ s a hymn book, isn’t it?—Cleveland Leader. N o N e c e s s i t y f o r It . Visitor—I presume your daughter plays the piano? Mrs. Neuvorlehe (proudly)—No, In d<»ed. Dear Ethel doesn’t have to. Her pa Is rich enough to buy one of those pianos which plays Itself.—Harper's Bazar. H u rd L u ck . “ Things go by contraries In this world,” she sighed. “ Why do you think so?” ho asked. “ As soon as they quit sprinkling the wt reefs the weather man makes it Im possible to ride a wheel.” Slandered. “ They tell me, Jehiel, that you change your politics as often as you do your coat.” “ It’s a dad-gonod lie. I git a new coat every time 1 vote, but I don’t always have to change my politics, b’gosh!” — Indianapolis Journal. A C o u n te r I r r i t a n t . “ Were those cough drops heneliciAl?” “ They worked like a charm. They have such a horrible taste that the children have all stopped coughing.” — Boston Traveler. A N atu ral MUtake. buck ducks this morning. Mrs. Newblrd—How much are they a yard? lovely! How H adn't TlnniuM o f That. “ I ’d like to know,” exclaimed the en raged client, “ why I ought to feel Jit bllant over the outcome o f tills case?” “ Didn’ t we obtain a verdict for $10,- 000?” tlie lawyer asked. “ Yes. but you got about all of It. What good does It do me?” “ My dear sir, the other fellow feels Just as bad as if every cent of It were going into your pocket!” A i r y Perwiflunc. The pneumatic saddle—What are you wheezing about? The tire Well, I gu«»os you wouldn’t feel so puffed up If you had »topped on a tack.—Exchange. IluHincMM A d v a n c e «. “ Have you made any advance in your business?” asked the young lawyer’s friend. ••Yes,” wna the reply; “ two o f them.” “ Clients?” “ No: my clerks. They said they need ed money, so I advanced them $10 ¿.Kb."—Washington Post. 4 O u g h t to He an E d i to r . “ The Rev. Dr. Thirdly Is a great com denser, Isn’ t he?” “ A condenser? How so?” “ You know he has a record of 2,400 marriages and must, therefore, have coudensed 4,800 people iuto Juat half that number.” chair, but the countryman was no lu- censed at the laughter of his associates that he atalk«»d from the floor.” W HY MEN Th« A N D W O M E N MARRY. K r t i u y o f L o v e D oe* N o t M a k e th e M oet M u tclie*. S T A R S W ILL SHO W ER DOW N. ? A s t r o n o m e r « E x p e c t u Ruin o f F i r # In T w o Y e a r « . The astronomers look for the next To say why p«»ople marry would be as difficult us to say why they travel, greut meteoric shower on the moruiug C h a r r ie / * or love life, or weary of it, or esteem of Nov. 15, 1899. They cuiculute that their neighbors, or d«»spise th«» human the earth will then pass again through Among the Slum Karens of farther A South Carolina trial Justice recent Prof. A. H. Sayce is adding still an race. But, underlying ull differem-es the center of an immense swarm of uie- W arning. ly made the following disposal of a India funerals are made the occasions other volume to the long list of his pub of decision or a«‘tion, there is neverthe teorolils, us they are ealletl before com He hung ii|>oii the gate with her case that «am«* liefore him: “ 1 am act of grand wedding f«?stlvuls, lu which lished works. “The Early History «if less a certain uniformity in human hab- bustion. These great "Leonide star And now lies in the mold; ing in a dual capacity in this case—sit all the marlageable young men iiul the Hebrews” is just announced for showers,” as they are called, occur at its ami motives. Let our reasons for But her father didn’t knock him out Intervals of every thirty-three years ting as a Jury to try the facts and as a women of the village are privileged to publication by the Macmillan company. w«*dl«x*k seem as diverse as they may, lie caught his death of cold. Ju«lg«* to «‘xpound the law. As a Jury participate. As it is not always con Besides the prosecution of Ills work us l«»t us think we marry for ambitiou, or and one day. The greut shower of 1799 occurred ou Nov. 12: that of 1833 on I am unable to agree ujiou a verdict venient to hold these interesting cere Professor of Assyriology at Oxfonl. S a v i n g th e .Money. spite, or gre«*d, «n* love, or to serve our Nov. 13, that of 1866 ou Nov. 14, and “ I wonder why It is that we never see on tin* facts, and therefore as a Judge monies at the exact time a villager this author lias been an indefatigable country, or gratify our friemls, or found may die, It Is customary to deposit the Miss Blythe and Mr. (Jay at the thea I order a mistrial.” student «if and w’rlter on subjects eog- a family, the motive, fiuetl dowu till it consequently a repetition «if the next ter any more?” Old Job was taught to read by the corpse iu some temporary resting nate to his own particular field of re li«*« unadorned ami bare before us, is wonderful phenomena Is expected ou the morning of Nov. 13, 1899. “ Oh, they’ re engaged now.” minister’s wife, aud proved a very apt place till the marriage market is favor sea r«*h. the m»«»d «if companionship. YVe want In tlie meanwhile, however, as the scholar. Returning home after a pro able to glviug It obsequies worthy of to be loved; we want some one’s ' Mrs. Morris lias given up Kelmseott H e r P a t r i o t ism. its former estate. Cons«»qu«-utly six aggregation of meteoroids is of im Mrs. Rawson Why are you so glad longed absence, the lady met her old months or a year may frequently pass House, Hammersmith, and the lease strength to slippleiimut our weakness;1 mense l«»ngth one end of it will encoun that Bulwinkle was elected? I thought pupil, and asked him how he was get before the memory of the deud Karen lias been taken over by H. C. Marlllier. we crave someone's faith in us t«> forti ter the earth in 1898 and the other lu I you never took any Interest In poli ting on. “ I suppose you can read your receives the honor which is its due. Besides the Interest conferred upou fy our wavering faith lu ourselves. Giv 1900. making, as Prof. Lewis Smith, Bible now comfortably. Job?” “ Lor* en certain conditions, ofteu «if a very tics. Kelmseott House by Mr. Morris, who tlie distinguished astronomer of Roch When a good time comes for wed Mrs. Hawkesworth But my husband bless you, ma’am!” cried Job, “ I ’ve dings the remains are takcu from their made it the centrul scene of his Utopia commonplace description, and we con- I ester, N. Y'., says, «ronslderalile show been out of the Bible ami into the dude that we have fouml what wo I ers iu those years also. Not « nly tills, won enough on the result to buy me a in “ News from Now’h*»re,” and erected newspaper this long while.” —House resting place aud set upou a platform ids presses next iloor, there Is an older •sought. Our imagination is satisfied new sealskin sacque. but. it is stated on the same authority which ha* been prepared for them, aud hold Words. for tli«» tinx»; we consider ourselves lu that many forerunners of the great the eligible bachelors and marriageable legend attache«! to it. Sir Frauds Ron- love, and all is well. W h e r e T h e y F e l l D ow n . The Emporia« (Kan.) Gazette says altls ,one «»f the pioneers of electric shower may be expected to come with “ I see tli.it the president of the sugar this is the way in which D. (J. McCray young w omen are invited to come a ail In observing our neighlxirs, it often compete lu a marrying match. The telegraphy, lived there and built what strikes us how oddly the}’ choose* their | in the «»arth’s atinosph«*r<* on Nov. 14, trust has undergone an operatiou fo** seeur«»d an gppolutmeut at tlie hands was practically the first experimental 1897. because many of the iiieteoroiiln appendicitis and is coming along all of Gov. Leedy. They were talking over “ funeral service” is then begun with partners; how far otherwise we .¡liouhi a chorus of men celebrating the beau long line, carrying several miles of have chosen for them. The poet mar are always considerably in advance of light.” the school commissioners when Mr. ties of Karen inaideus in general. The wire up aud down th«» spacious garden, ries a woman o f the simplest domestic the main cluster. Prof. Swift Mays “ Well, the doctors might have known McCray said: “ Governor, if 1 were you girls respond in a drawling falsetto. Nvhich is one of the principal charms «if mind; the beautiful woman, who, for a “ the thickness of th«* meteoroidal better than to tackle him.” I ’d appoint f»)i* the Republican mem stream is 100,000 miles and the dura T h » bachelors, each in his turn, begin th«» estate. seas«>n or two at any rate, lias the bers of that commission the two orner- A H ot T i m e . The Engineering Magazine, in a lend- world at Her feet, selects a raw-boned ; tion of the sho er is e«|tml to the time usually, for the sake of peace, with the The Bellows I f it wasn’t for me iest. meanest, stinkingest Republicans most muscular maiden. I f one of them Ing article by Hiram S. Maxim, upon of tli«» diagonal passage of tlie earth Hercuh's, and forgives ids plainness 1 could find.” “ What are your initials, you’d soon lie out of a place. is rejecte«!, he waits till his turn come “ The Effects of Trade Unionism upon of feature because of his strength, or , through It, usually from midnight to The Fire—Well* you needn’t be blow Mr. McCray?” asked the Governor. again, and addresses, if lie sees fit, Skilled Mechanics,” furnishes a most his moral excellenct», «>r ids gooil h«»art. dawn.” He adds; “ A m t.u»re is a light shower of Leonides every November we ing alnnit it all the time. Once when lie was asked if he was some other girl. mportant contribution to the discussion People say that love is a frenzy, a out afraid of a teinix'rature of ten de The girls receive tlie proposals in per of one «>f the fundamental problems raptures, a brief nnulness; It may be know that there is a vast ring formed V e i l e d S ar cas m . by the comet’s tail aud that I lie lin He—The falling water made such a grees below zero the late Toliuan W il fect self-possession, and respond to (*onfr«intiug the modem industrial so iu certaiu cases, but as a rule it mens«» shoal in one portion is tlie prod noise that I couldn't hear myself talk. ley, of Boston, said: “ Where I was them in phrases like those with which world. The great engineering strike seems t«> lie a much soberer thing. De- uct of the exploded comet itself, She—Oh, how I wish I could have liorn, sir. my father one Sunday took | they have been addressed, the models j wlih'h now’ convulses England uses the Uriunis ami ecstasies are probably as through which we pass once every me into a meeting house which sat on of which have come down from old demand for shorter hours as a screen been there. But It’s just my luck. rare as heroisms or crimes. The ma thirty-three years and a day.” four stout* posts with no other under times. Rejections seldom occur, ex- i for the enforcement «if trade union jority of p«»opl<» go about their woolngs The meteoroids are dark bodies, and pinning. I sat in that church and cept when a man makes a mistake and ; principles and F o w l Pluy. domination which practically enough. I f fr«»nzi«»s and It is only when they pass into tlie Rooster—Wliy, Biddy, what’s the listened to a sermon on hell for sixty applies to a girl who is known to be threaten her manufacturing suprem fevers accompany the initial stages, earth’s atmosphere that they are ig- matter? minutes, with the wind howling under- reserving herself for another. The * acy. the later ones which involve learning nlted by friction and l »come visible for Biddy—Oh, I ’m up against a peck of ; neath the church and blowing forty “ funeral service” goes on lu this way I The London Saturday Review greets the price of furniture, where to buy a trouble. miles a minute, with no fire In the till It is plain that no more alliances the appearance of the Times’ new mag marriage license, and how many a few seconds. The stream makes a Rooster—How so? stove and the mercury forty degrees can be made, when it is closed, and the i azine, Literature, with a long anti acri changes of raiment are expect«»«! for a revolution around the sun In about thir ty-three aud one-fourth years and by Biddy—I just swallowed a bee by below zero. Do you thiuk I was born body of tin* deceased Is buried. The ■ monious article predicting the speedy respectable start are sufficiently hum consequence tlie earth passes through mistake, thinking it was a tly. in a sugar-box and nursed on helio matches thus made are binding, and downfall both of the Times and of its drum. It in a new place each year. The length trope»«?” — New Y'ork Tribune. uo other way of making them is in magazine on account of its ultra-con I f love lias no serious consequences, of the swarm Is so enormous that al So I t Doc*. The late Dr. Wilber force, Bishop of favor. servatism and because «if the “ od«l a proportion of us might be us volatile though at perihelion it moves at the Smith—Seeing is believing. Jones—Not always. It often depends Winchester, was a keen sportsman, brain structure of its etlltor and man as a certain notorious novelist advises rate of nearly twenty-five miles a sec S t r a t e g y oi* E n g l a n d . and on one occasion, when he was on a upon what paper you see it lu. The Falkland islands, near the straits ager.” It twits the Times on its fam us to be. But happily the <*onse<iuenees ond. yet it takes it two years to pass visit at a ducal seat, lie was persuaded of Magellan, have been occupied and ous error iu allowing itself to be duped are there, and the right-minded study the earth, so that when its hinder part H e r I d e a o f I t. to joiu a shooting party. Ills grace’s by the Pigott letters, au«l says it is so them seriously if they are given time. is still with us its advancing side will Mattie (reading)—What is the “ pale head keeper was a Scotchman aud a are being fortified by the British. There are about 2U0 islands lu this I hopelessly out of sympathy with cen It is this underlying seriousness that have reached the orbits of Jupiter and of civilization?” Presbyterian, and the bish«>p tried to tury-end thought and feeling that it constitutes a danger, unsuspected till Saturn. Notwithstanding this extent Helen—Oh, It’ s some new kind of engage him in a friendly chat, but, find South Atlantic group—most o f them , small, and the two principal ones com can never awaken public interest. Even we feel its tough filaments about us. ' it is but a fraction of tlie entire orbit. face powder, I suppose. ing the keejier’s replies were short and prise ail area of 5,000 square miles. In the Saturday Review’s praise of Mr. Be«»aiise marriage Involves a career as Prof. Sw ift says: “ This great duster j reserved, lie said: “ 1 suppose, Grant, A Horn K i c k e r . " keeping with the policy of England to j Traill, the editor of Literature, is tem well as a condition, custom, the usages will reach the earth’s orbit about .Tune you thiuk a bishop ought not to go out police the seas, aud to establish depots | pered by classing him w ith the “ fossil of society, and the disabilities of tln»ir 1, 1899. but the earth will not have ar ¡ shooting?” “ Weel, my lord,” said the of supply and repair for her warships j ized gentlemen from the British Muse- sex train women to make such a set rived there then, but will lit* due nearly Scot frankly, “ I doubt ye’ll find uo at all available strategic points, this j uni,” who are to w rite for the new Mag tlement in lif«» an object of ambitiou six months later, when our planet will warrant for it In the Screeptur. Did station is being established. plunge Into the swarming mass and for azine. Clearly the amenities of Brit from their earliest years. I f loneliness, disappointment, and at least five hours we shall experience a i ye ever read of the apostles going out The vast commerce that passes j ish journalism are uot so much sweeter shooting?” “ No, true,” replied the around Cape Horn from ocean to than those of the American country self-pity keep aloof, I believe a con literal rain of fire.” —Baltimore Suu. siderable proportion of women would bishop. “ They liad no game in Pales ocean, says the Erie Dispatch, can be editor, after all. Incom petent. remain unweddeil from choice; but tine In those days; they went out fish blockaded or levied upon iu time o f I “ Nothing is more discouraging to tne those familiars seize or threaten even ing Instead.” R E C E N T IN V E N TIO N S . war from the point of vantage that is the most fortunate o f us now and then, than the general Inefficiency of young During Senator “ Billy” Mason’s afforded by the Falkland islands. As j women o f good education and good Fourth of July oration at Binghamton Gibraltar commands the traffic of the j A bottle washing machine recently and we tlduk to defy fate and bull«! home environment who are—suddenly against the future the bulwark of af- he worked in this: “ Now, I want to say Mediterranean, so the Falkland Brit patented bus a rotary brush mounted on perhaps—thrown upon their own re to you American wives: Give your hus ish naval station will hold the passes the end of a hollow shaft with perfora f«»ctlon. Also, a woman hates to sueui sources, and who come to me for ad left out. band the liberty he is entitled to. Don’t to tne Pacific Ocean. From the main tions through which water flows to vice and for help in securing situations expect him to mail a letter. He can land at the extremity of the Pata cleanse the bottle jus the brush revolves in which they «»an be self-supporting,” not do it. I know; 1 have tried it, and, gonian peninsula supplies of coal can au«l loo««»iis the <lirt. said a lady who gives much of her time what Is more, ne cannot tell the truth be obtained. Clotheslines which need no plus to «) philanthropic work. “ Aud,” she add about It after he lias carried it for two There is ample anchorage at the town fasten the clot lies are being made of ed, “ tiie moat hopeless eases are those weeks In his pocket ami finds it sud of Port Stanley in the Falklands, where w ire links with the ends of the wire of the young women who feel that they denly. It Is just as hard for him to tell a line and formidable fleet of warships lying parallel w ith the side of the link can do ‘almost anything,’ because no the truth about the weight of a fish could hide in safety. With no colonies to form spring clamps into which the one ever yet siicceeded in the limitless which he is presumed to have caught. of her own iu this part of the world doth is forced to hold it fast. field of ‘anything.’ ” It Is uot a normal infirmity, but a phy that looks to Great Britain for protec “ It seems as though I ought to lie A New’ Y'ork man has patented a re sical ileftnff. Don’t mind If he does tion and commercial alliance, it Is cer versible street car, iu which a turn Oysters live ten to twelve y«»ars when able to earn a living, with all my edu brag about his mother’s cooking; you tainly plain that she has seized the table is moiint«»«l on the truck to sup they have the chance. In this country cation aud accomplishments,” said a N o t D ec li ne d. know’ very well you can beat his moth island territory solely by right of port the car, which is turned by a they don’t have the chance. From a maid the poet stole a kiss young woman suddenly reduced from er; and if he brags on his mother it might, aud as a menace to the trade crank on the front platform geared to 'That far above his poems ranks; A dog fancier in New Haven is the affluence to the necessity of earning Because it filled his heart with blism Is a very good sign your boys will brag and commerce of other nations. a circular toothed track inside the owner of a black-and-tau dog which her own living. “ I can play the piano When it was “ returned with thanks.” about you, and I hope you will not be weighs not an ounce more than a pound unusually well, and paint very cleverly turntable. H o w t o l lu n a R e s t a u r a n t . like the young widow who rode by the ou china, and embroider, and do all W l i a t ' s in a N am e . Tibbs stated that he went into a A Washington man has patented a and a half. cemetery out In my country. The min “ After all,” said the college presi r« taurant on Decatur street Saturday boat which has Uie rear eu«l submerged The large horned beetle can carry 315 kinds of fancy work, and write very ister was seeking to console her of the dent, “ foot ball has one good point.” clever verses, and recite or sing very comforts of her religious faith and the night, where Thomas is a clerk, and with the seat overhanging an open times its own weight. One has been well.” Blit the cash value of all of “ What is it?” asked the preacher. cailed for a 10-eent lunch. The beef well, the front of the boat being raise«l known to walk away with a 2%-pound consolation thereof. ‘Yes,’ she says, ‘1 “ People who play it get over the hab these accomplishments combined was have another great consolation, too; I «lid uot suit him, aud he asked that the above the water line, the advantage weight. it of kicking at things.” less than the value of the unlettered order be reflll«*d. When the good beef being that the boat is uot easily rocked. A hen belonging to Joseph Bishop on Irish servant girl, who could go Into a know’ where he is nights.’ ” was brought Thomas took the 10-cent Cause and Effect. Tailors will appreciate a new spool - Licking river, near Pleasant Valley, kitchen and c<x>k fairly well, comments Many a good story conies from the check and handed him one for 15 cents. Jack—Have a cigar? holder which has two wire spindles to Ky., discoveretl a large bird’s nest iu “ Harper’s Bazar.” green room. Here Is one told by the Tibbs declined paying the extra 5 cents Torn—No. I ’ ve given up smoking. eut«»r the ends «if the spool aud is sup the top of an apple tree, and flew up It would seem that there was some New York Telegram: “ Harry Watson and tore up the 15-cent check. This Jack—When do«* the wedding take ported by u hook which can be attached aud deposited an egg iu the m»st. thing wrong with our educational sys and his wife, who is known on the angered Thomas, and he pasted Tibbs place? in a handy position on the coat, so that The eye of the cat, like that of the j tem when our educated girls are so ig stage as Miss Hutchings, have a sou over th«» left eye with his fist. Thomas the thread is always ready to be un horse, is provided with a false eyelid, ! norant of the practical duties o f life. A (ic n iu s . who cast a vote or two for President, stat«»d to the court that h«* gave Tibbs wound^ Grimsonbeak—That man Keys is a aud nothing delights Watson so much which may be move«l independently of ! They are now taught something of uo bone, but the meat had some gristle ! genius. Circular saws are being used ln the outer or true lid. It Is often cm- i cooking and sewing in many of our as the discomfiture of the ‘Johnny’ ad on it. The fresh order called for an Yeast—What’s lie done now? odrera of his w ife when they learn this extra 5 cents, and that was why he | butcher shops, a frame being attached ployed by a cat when obliged to face a ' public schools; but most of them regard “ Why, he devised a plan to keep his fact. Not long ago, so the story goes, changed the ticket. He did not strik«* j to the block aud extending over it to very bright light, and is believed to act I this as mere amusement, and it counts wife from playiug the piano.” ' for little in fitting them for the actual Watson and his strapping son dropped Tibbs until that gentleman had cursed hold the saw* in p«isirion on a spring as a shade. “ Indeed!’’ arm, so it «‘an be depressed as It is rap Live bees are sometimes shipped on and practical work of cooking and sew Into a Broadw ay hotel, and w hile wait him. “ Y e«; he told her he had seen a mouse ing for service were accosted by an ac Other gu«»sts in the restaurant who idly revolv«»«l by means of a crank ami Ice so as to keep them dormant duritig ing anil the care of a home. in It.” —Yonkers Statesman. the journey. This is particularly the I f mothers do not teach their daugh quaintance, who intnxluced his com were present at the time told the same chain gear. panion, a young man of about Wat story as related by Tibbs, and stated A new combin«Hl spring pedal and toe case with bumblebees, which have been ters these things in their own homes, L o o k i n g A h ea d . taken to New Zealand, where they are they will not be learned at all. Aud the She— Mamma Is going to give us an son, Jr.’s, age. *1 enjoy your turn very that Thomas struck him with little or «•lip consists «if a steel plate riveted to much, Mr. Watsou, observed the uo provocation. the pe«lal shaft with teeth at the reur useful in fertilizing the red clover that mother has failed iu her duty if her elegant breakfast after the wedding. daughter, at the age of 22 or 23, finds Then this Is the way the recorder e«Ige to grip a cleat in the shoe sole and has been Introduced into tlie colony. He—How alnnit lunch aud dinner?— young man, ‘and, say. that Is a lovely herself utterly lu«*klng In the ability to girl that works with you.’ ‘Ain’t she, summed it all up: the front portion elongated and curv Detroit Journal. H a s 1 , 0 0 0 M i l e s o r R a i l r o a d . earn a dollar if it becomes nt»cessary though?’ said Watsou pater. ‘She is, “ Look here, Mr. Thomas, you ean't ed «iver at the end to form a to«» clip. Counting elevated, street surface and for her to do so, aud utterly incompe Indeed; won’ t you introduce me?’ "Well, run a restaurant that way. You must Cruel Old Man. A current motor, for us«» iu running He—Did you tell your father that 1 now, you know. 1 don’t know whether run It to ft»*xl folks aud not to whip streams, consists o f tw’o flanged cylin- st«»am lines Greater New Y'ork will tent to discharge the duties of the home have within Its borders over 1,000 miles would kill myself If I couldn’t have she’d like me to.’ wrffc the response; ‘she them. I will dismiss the case against ders, pivoted end to end in a floating to which a liusbaud may take her. you ? might think 1 was fresh, you know’. Mr. Tibbs and will fine Mr. Thomas $5 frame, with u cogwheel mounted on a of railroad. This is a mileage larger There Ls uo higher maternal duty than than some European countries have, She—Yes. But I tell you what I ’ll do; I ’ll have and «»oats.” —Atlanta Constitution. that of fitting one’s children for the shaft and meshing into circular tooth anti a mileage remarkable in other re future that before them waits as wives He—What did he say? my sou Introduce her.’ "Your son? Does ed gt»nrs on the Inner ends of the cylin Q u e e r N a m e f o r a T o w n . spects, the number o f passengers car She—He said that settled It. You he know' her?’ ‘ Pretty well,* drawled and mothers or as useful self-support The Warmest Place on Earth is ac- i ders. The flanges are mounted iu oppo ried being greater per mile than In any ing women. couhln’t have me. Watson. *Hh«»’s his mother.’ ” tually a town, and uot merely a local site dire«*tions on the cylinders, so as other country and than in any other “ Indescribably funny things bap(>en lty. It lies iu Sau Diego County’s des to act on both sides of the cogwheel. Th ey A re Learning. city in tills country. Philadelphia has T h re e Q u eer Tennessee Farm ers. Compressed air Is used in place of 400 mih»s of street railroad. Chi«»ago “ Is there auy probability that the po sometimes In places where no one ert side, about twenty five miles due “ There is lu Teunesse a family of ll«*» will ever tlml out anything about would ever expect them to occur,” said west of Yuma, and the name of Its the old-fash 1 o u « h 1 well sweep to raise has nt»arly 600. Boston has 550, St. three sisters Which presents some of Representative R. L. Henry, of Texas. postoffice Is Mammoth Tank. This lu water from a well, the bucket being this mystery?” Louis 295, Baltimore 225, Washington the m«>at startling peculiarities imag “ I think there Is. They are keeping “ I remember once a scene Ln our State formation has b*»en dug up through the huug «>n one end of a rope with a hol 140. San Francisco 231, Pittsburg 242, inable,” said Mr. J. J. Kennedy, of that legislature which for downright ludl- posting o f a newspaper at San Fran low air chamber anil a number of right at the lands of the reporters.” Cincinnati 261, Cleveland 192, Detroit crousnees beats anything that ever ' cisco addrt*ss«»d to “ Hank Yohnseu, weights at the opposite end. The air Is 166, Louisville 150 ami Buffalo 150. State. “ The three sisters live together on a farm, their sole means of subsist came under my observation. A member ' I n the A f t e r w a r d . Warmest Place ou Earth.” It was [lumped Into the reservoir to raise the While the development of the railroad “ What strange Ideas children get from one of the city constituencies who sent in turn to Sa«*ramento, Fresno and weights and lower the bucket, which lines of the country has been retarded ence, and work early and late to earn euJoytHl a big reputation at the bar Bakersfield. Then the marking con is raised by exhausting the air and «luring the last few years lu conse- a livelihood. Tw o of them work In the about religious matters?” “ Yes, and how few ever get over luid vainly been end«»avorlng for about tinues: ’’Try Yuma.” But Yuma seut allowing the weights to fall to the bot q tie nee of the hard times, the mileage fiekl; the third does the cooking and other housework. half an hour to get recognition from It to Tucson. It visited Nogales. At tom of the well. them!” —Detroit New«. of the surface lines within the large “ There Is but one period of the year the Speaker. He had b«»cn on his f«»et Phoenix It was liung up as a humorous A Texan has Invented a machine to cities and connecting neighboring when any member p f the trio has any Im -uleaiin g V erb al C orrectness. fifty different tlm«»« shouting ‘Mr. exhibit. There some desert prospec resuscitate drowning persons, which towns has been increased enormously thing to say to any other member. All The (iradgrluds of tills world are try Speaker!’ at the top o f his voice, but tors saw it, and they pro«*eed«Ml to en has a supporting table with an opening by the introduction of the trolley. during the whiter, spring and summer lug persons to live with. They will not the otttoial seemed bent on not recog- large the postmaster’s geographical at one «»ml to re«*eive the mouth and they go about their business with the permit the slightest variation from nlzlng him. Finally, worn out by the ami social understanding, for Hank H e F o l l o w e d t h e P r o f e s s i o n . s«»al of silence on their lips. When fall fact; statements made In their hearing member’s Importunity, the Speaker at Yohnsen is not a “ yoke." but a prom no««» of the patient, kneading devices A fter the}’ had scraped an acquaiut to engage the siiles aud back of the comes aud the crop Is harvested they must lw truthfully precise, or they «11« last said. ‘The gentleman from San An inent citizen of the Warmest Place ou a nee on th«» train and had discussed break the alien« e. and then only to laxly, and a single operating im»ehan- pute them forthwith. “ You have got tonio.’ ami the gentleman from San Earth, Cal. Los Angeles Wecortl. Isiu to alternately draw’ them iu. the various topics for a while the drummer quarrel over the division of the pro- Into a chronic way of ctmtrudlctlug Antonio started in to «leliver a sp«»«vh. suddenly said: “ How about the yellow ceeds. When each has sucee<*ded in get supporting table being raised ami tow A bou t the M ig h t y Deep. everything I say. Lobelia.” said Mr. Then a curious thing happ«»u«»d. The fever down South, doctor? Do you ting all that she thinks possible, silence The surface of the sea is estimated ered at the f«i«)t w hile the operation is McSwat. “ When I tell you that It states man who had N»«*n struggling so think it w ill— ” reigns again until the next horveat thundered and light«»n«xl In tin» night I energetically to be heard found himself at 150.000.000 square miles, taking the going ou. “ Excuse me.” remarked the man in time. The 9lsters, as you may judge, I presume you will try to find some ex- uuable to deliver a single sentence. In wh«>le surface of th«» globe «if 197,000,- Makes line Exception. black, “ but you have made a mistake; have made a name for th«»ins«»lves. ciMM» f«>r disputing it." “ Last uight?” vulgar parlan«*«» he was ‘stuck.’ and OUO an«l its gr*»at«»st depth supposedly A California temperance ass«»oiation I am not a physician.” They an* known far and near as the "YVs.” “ IH> you mean to tell me It though he trie«! hard to overcome his , equals the bight o f the highest moun limits the beverages «>f its members to **Beg pardon,” exclaim«»d th«» man ‘«leaf and dumb tripletx.* although such thumlered and lighten«*! last night?” temporary paralysis of speech the tain. or four miles. The Pacific Ocean j wine, beer and elder, "except when with the samples, “ but I must have a title is scarcely appropriat«».” —^Wash “ I certainly do." “ Well, I <lo n«>t be w«>rds wouldn’t come. While still on his | «»overs 7 n . im i . ooo square miles, the A t lalmring under a sense of dlscourage- misunderstood you. Didn’t you tell me ington Tost. Ueve it.” “ You «lou’t?” snorte«l Mr. | feet stuttering forth a disJoiu«*d word | lantic 2ft.OUO.OUO, the M«*dt terra neon metit, and then whisky shall lx» al- a while ago that you followed the medi 00 M«»Swat. “ Will yon please give me that Tittle meaning. little relevancy I A s I t I s in K e n t u c k y . towed.” Tli«»y are said to b«» the most cal profession?” some san«», decent. resp«»etal>U» reason ¡ bore.* some well-meaning but rough- Effect «if L ig h t. W illie—Pa, what’s a smiling land “ Yes—but I am an umtortaker.” discouraged temperance people in the spoken eolleogu«' yelled out: *Slt dowu for not believing R?” ‘"Certainly, B1IU- scape? Prof. Weisner, of Vienna, has under State. S o m e w h a t D i ff e r e n t. ger,” rt»Hi>ond*Mi Mrs. McSwat, with th«»re, y o u ---- old fool!’ T thank thee. I taken during the last summer, says Pa -It’s a field of corn or rye in Ken “ Is Blank filling the editorial chair Roderick, for the won!.’ said the mem T h e r e Was Another. her accustom«*! sweetness. “ I refus«» Nature, a Journey to Rpltxenbergeu to on your paper now?” asked the visitor. tucky, Willie. ber, as he turned with a beaming smile ¡ .lack— 1 hear you had a narrow es to Ixdieve that It thundered and light complete his observations, previously “ Well.” replied the publisher, “ h«» still T h o se L e v i n a G i r l * . ened last night because 1 was awake on his adviser and inumnllately t«x»k j made In the tropics, as to the effect of cape from a grizzly in the [maintains occupies it.” hi« seat amid the rears of the House. I Jack—Helen has t«»eth like pearls. at the tlm « and I know It lighteoetl light and other external conditions ou this summer. Mattie—I suppose that accounts for Ella—Ye*. lnde«»d. It was the tight- and thundered.” Whereupon lUUtger In the Legislature a country represen- I the growth of plants. A n o th e r P a ir o f If*. her lx»ing as dumb ns an oyster. ---- ——----------------- est squeeze I «»ver hail. went up Into the garret nn«l made loud, tatlve got up and yelled: ‘Mr. Speaker! L ife <>n earth would certainly be Jm*k (putting his arm around her)— profane remarks to the «lust-covered, Mr. Speaker! a p’fnt; I rise to a p int of | The trouble with most handsome A peaceful. delicious dream When a man’s temper is ruffled hi# mutti-eaaen garments that hung from onlcr” Make it a quart, and I ’ll recog- i nomt-n I» tlioj think that 1» ail that • W l, „ th9t ^ z i I t u a<(t a ,* only melu. I f women were only as good as they look j uizo yon.' said the gentleman In the necessary. | ^he "press association." A ad men were as good as the} seeiu. | brows are usually knit. the nails In the rafters. F U N ER A L-W ED D IN G S . The S t r a n i t e Custom O b « e r v e d by T r ib e o f Further India. .
