SpilyayTymoo
Warm Springs, Oregon
April 2, 1993 PAGE 5
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The news you can't afford to be without The jist is just jest
Tourists, floodwaters inundate new Museum
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Toe little bit water Is at the door of the Museum. Officials plan to take advantage of the situation by offering
transportation via gondolas and rubber rafts.
Dam constructed by
NERDS helps control
water
Catastrophy struck The Museum at Warm
Springs last week. Personnel, ready to open the
doors to the public for the day's events, were
faced with toe little bit water. Unknown to
Museum staff, Shitikc Creek had overflowed
its banks, backwashing from where the Shitikc
meets the Deschutes. All low-lying land was
covered with at least six feet of water.
Thankfully, the waters subsided just before
reaching the Museum front doors.
Museum officials stated that the building
sustained very little, if any , structural damage.
Positively no artifacts were lost or damaged.
"Now that the Museum is nearly surrounded
by water, we're planning to make some big
bucks throughout the duration of the situation,
at least for the time being," said one official
who insisted on anonymity. "We're purchas
ing about three d07.cn gondolas, so we can
transport Museum visitors from all points
south onto the Museum grounds. Lunches
will be provided and visitors should plan to
stay on the grounds (or waters) for at least
three hours until their return trip by rubber
raft." he said.
Tribal officials arc gravely concerned about
the safety of residents and visitors alike. Be
cause it is nearly impossible to reach the
Museum on foot, the Tribe has put to work the
Native Equine Reconstruction Development
Society (NERDS). Society members arc armed
with snorkcling devices as well as small en
gines that arc attached to their tails. The entire
system seems to be working very well. As one
official stated, "These arc real work
horscs...Thcy exhibit bravery and skill in ev
ery way. They should be rewarded handsomely
for their efforts."
The company has already constructed one
dam and work is underway on several others.
NERDS has subcontracted with the local bea
ver union and other stream management spe
cialists to complete the job in record time.
1 1'"
The first dam constructed by the NERDS has proved
to be quite beneficial in controlling further damage by
rising waters.
Tribe to expand membership roles soon Center to add Gold equipment; prestige important
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In an unprecedented move, the
Confederated Tribes of Warm
Springs has agreed to open the
membership roles to all Oregonians.
The announcement was made early
last week following the close of the
final home base meeting concerning
enrollment criteria. Very few people
gathered for the announcement, as
, most Warm Springs residents, an
ticipating the move, had gone to
neighboring communities to get ac
quainted with the new members.
"It's a definite gesture of goodwill.
We are opening the roles so our
neighbors will feel a part of this great
nation," said tribal membership stat
istician See-my Brown Nose.
Eligibility requirements are quite
lax, but confusing. As always, the
Spill-Away News will help clarify
the issues. Following are some of
those requirements.
1 . Prospective members must have
been born in Oregon between 1825
and 1900 or be a descendant of
someone born between those years.
2. Membership status is not and
SUDS cleanses
A new clinic will soon open its
doors on the Warm Springs Reser
vation thanks to a grant from Su
preme Unity Design Sockdaloger
(SUDS). The clinic will enable resi
dents to wash their problems away,
while lying on a comfortable couch,
with the help of accupuncture andor
a clairavoyant.
The first of its kind on an Indian
reservation, the clinic will offer as
sistance to all with a needle or with
a seer. The patient will have entire
control over which expert he sees
and the treatment administered. Cost
for services will be based on income.
IHS physicians are skeptical about
the new clinic, but feel they can work
in conjunction with the new folks.
SUDS is a part of Sectional Op
erations Association Properties
(SOAP).
will not be based on national origin,
race, sex, religious background or
eye color. The only criteria that must
be met is: An individual must have
been born in Oregon of Oregon -born
parents and child care must have
been provided by someone of His
panicJapanese and Bosnian descent.
3. Annual income must not exceed
.$8,075. ,.....
4. Individuals considered for
membership must have in their pos
session a complete china service for
12 and complete sets of sterling sil
ver flat ware and Spodc crystal.
5. Prospective members must
drive red cars made no later than
1993.
6. New male members must have
served in the armed forces, by choice,
and must have received at least three
medals of honor.
For further information about the
impending role changes,, contact
Brown Nose. His office is located at
the new tribal administration center,
formerly known as the Dirty Moc, in
downtown Madness.
Classified Ads
For Sale: Used man. Cheap. Doesn't do much. Doesn't talk much.
Doesnl amount to much. Has no job. Low miles, but has been
around the block a time or two. Payment plan available.
Wanted: New man. Must have expensive tastes, but willing to foot
the bill himself. Must be good looking, fashionable and neat.
In an effort to offer the very latest
in exercise equipment, the Warm
Springs Community Center will soon
acquire all equipment from Gold's
Gym. The equipment is expected to
arrive sometime and cost for the ac
quisition is a "mere" $10 billion.
"We know we're out of shape. We
know that exercise is the answer. We
also know that Gold's is the best. We
offered them top dollar for their
equipmcntand they (fell for) accepted
it," said Center activity coordinator
Ralph Fast Eddy Runner.
Included in the deal will be onc
to 10-pound weights, punching bags
complete with pictures of popular,
but hated, celebs, hand-held
flexcrcisers, digit diet-rams, calorie
culminators and back brushes. The
price may seem a bit extreme to some,
but according to Fast Eddy Runner,
the name Gold'scarrics a lot of punch
and weight. "We were going for
status, not quantity or quality."
Center patrons, unlike in the past,
will be required to pay a slight users
fee. Non-smokers will pay the fee
directly to the Center. Smokers' fees
will be taken from taxes paid on
cigarettes. Through the miracle of
computer science, each cigarette
purchase will be recorded, by name
and social security number; the
Center will have direct access to the
computer records. Although this
method is a bit scary, Fast Eddy
Runner added that those who desire
true physical fitness should not be
bothered that everybody and any
body can access their personal
records. "Shut up, or put up, is my
theory," he said.
Center of fie ials expect to ha ve the
new equipment on sight by the end of
June, just in time to work off all the
extra calories accumulated at Pi-Ume-Sha.
Time shares available to all
Time share condos are now avail
able in the peaceful hamlet of Cicily,
Alaska. For a mere $5 a night, clients
can enjoy the serene atmosphere of
the rural Alaskan town of 3,000. The
fee includes all meals, lodging in the
town's newest two- and three-bedroom
condos and exciting entertain
ment. In addition to all the above ameni
ties, owners can rub shoulders will
Maggie, Dr. Joel, Marilyn and all the
other stars of the popular TV show
"Northern Exposure." You may even
get a chance to appear on KBBR,
Cicily's own popular radio station,
hosted by Chris, the popular disc
jockey. Mostcondos will beavailablc
during filming of the show and condo
owners tvill be the first to be features
as extras on the show.
Don't miss your chance for peace
and quiet plus the opportunity to make
your debut on TV's hottest sitcom.
Call 1-700-U-CAN-BUY for more
information.
Robots: A useful addition?
Mom's letter to son touches heart of many
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It was announced just yesterday
that the tribal organization will un
dergo, once again, another restruc
turing. Though exact specifics are
notknownat this time, Tribal officials
have stated that drastic changes are
in the works.
One official hinted that possibly
all current general managers would
be replacedby robots designed and
programmed by the Tribal Council.
The official said that Council was
pleased with proposed programming
in that the robots never get tired,
require breaks for smoking or lunch
or sick or annual leave.
If investigation of the proposal is
favorable, the robots would be in
place by the middle of July 1994.
Each is expectd to occupy just a
fraction of the space currently taken
up by the GMs. Also to be eliminated
would be the weekly management
meetings and the frequent manage
mentCouncil meetings. Officials
believe that the robots would be in
valuable in the scheme of things and
would even be programmed to up
grade computer software and repair
cars. It is obvious that the addition of
robots would affect the entire orga
nization. The proposed changes would be
expensive but it is anticipated that
overall costs would be reduced and
offset the costs within the next five
years. The organization has its
doubting Thomases with some say
ing that robots are inhuman (no kid
ding) and cold. But, business is busi
ness and money is money. The bot
tom line is the most important factor
when making these types of deci
sions. Watch Spill-Away's next issue for
complete information.
Dear Son,
Im writing this slow cause i
know you can't reade fast. We '
don't live where we did when
you left Madras. Your Dad
Read in the paper where most
accidents happen within 20
miles of home so we moved.
I wont be able to send you
the address as the last Madras
folks that lived here took the
numbers with them for there
new house so they wouldn't
have to change there address.
This place has a Washing
Machine. The first day I put
four shirts into it, I pulled the
chain and haven't seen them
since.
time and four days the second Your Uncle Buckfell into the
time. Good for the Wheat wiskey vat. Some men tried to
Crops. pull him out, but he fought them
The coat you wanted me to off playfully and drowned. We
sendyou.yourAuntViviansaid cremated him. He burnedfor3
it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with them heavy
buttons, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the fu
neral fiome said if we didn't
make the last payment on
Grandma's funeral, up she
days.
Three of your old friends
from the Madras Elks went off
the bridge in a pickup. One was
driving, the other two were in
the back. The driver got out, he
rolled the window down and
swam to safety. The other two
Local fire fighter helps control blaze
at recent nuclear accident near Kah-Nee-To-junction.
Only time wWtellif
anyone was injured.
Memo:
April 1, 1993
To: Bill Struck Dumb
From: George Knows-it-all
Note: The following memo is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers
that went out to all IBM Branch offices. The person who wrote it was
serious.
Abstract: Mouse balls available as Field Replacement Units
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
operate or should it perform erratically, it may need ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufac
turer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse
balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can
result in a sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the
mouse may be used immediately..
It is recommended that each rcplaccr have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary items.
From: Northwest Fhone Service
men under him. He is cutting
grass at the cemetery.
About your sister-in-law, she
had a baby this morning. I
haven ' t found out whether it is
I only rained twice this week a boy or a girl, so I don't know
in Madras, three days the first if you are an aunt or an uncle.
comes. Aboutyour Dad, he has drowned. They couldn't get the
a lovely new job and has 500 tailgate down.
Love,
Your Mother
P.S.: Was going to send you
some money but the envelope
was already sealed.
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The Great Fortunes Bridge, connecting the Cove Marina and Indian Island atljike Billy Chinook, will soon open.
Casino-style gambling, yacht racing and skinny dipping will begin as soon as the first car crosses the bridge. A dinner
boat will also float the lake as will the WHaPS (Water Hazard Prevention Ships).