Image provided by: The Confederated Tribes of Warm Springs; Warm Springs, OR
About Spilyay tymoo. (Warm Springs, Or.) 1976-current | View Entire Issue (April 2, 1993)
SpilyayTymoo Warm Springs, Oregon April 2, 1993 PAGE 5 2 una AT. In v. The news you can't afford to be without The jist is just jest Tourists, floodwaters inundate new Museum J. le-4-';.lif f irs. i 1 1 L I .1 . i.ii . . ... 3l ; -, 1 : . ' Toe little bit water Is at the door of the Museum. Officials plan to take advantage of the situation by offering transportation via gondolas and rubber rafts. Dam constructed by NERDS helps control water Catastrophy struck The Museum at Warm Springs last week. Personnel, ready to open the doors to the public for the day's events, were faced with toe little bit water. Unknown to Museum staff, Shitikc Creek had overflowed its banks, backwashing from where the Shitikc meets the Deschutes. All low-lying land was covered with at least six feet of water. Thankfully, the waters subsided just before reaching the Museum front doors. Museum officials stated that the building sustained very little, if any , structural damage. Positively no artifacts were lost or damaged. "Now that the Museum is nearly surrounded by water, we're planning to make some big bucks throughout the duration of the situation, at least for the time being," said one official who insisted on anonymity. "We're purchas ing about three d07.cn gondolas, so we can transport Museum visitors from all points south onto the Museum grounds. Lunches will be provided and visitors should plan to stay on the grounds (or waters) for at least three hours until their return trip by rubber raft." he said. Tribal officials arc gravely concerned about the safety of residents and visitors alike. Be cause it is nearly impossible to reach the Museum on foot, the Tribe has put to work the Native Equine Reconstruction Development Society (NERDS). Society members arc armed with snorkcling devices as well as small en gines that arc attached to their tails. The entire system seems to be working very well. As one official stated, "These arc real work horscs...Thcy exhibit bravery and skill in ev ery way. They should be rewarded handsomely for their efforts." The company has already constructed one dam and work is underway on several others. NERDS has subcontracted with the local bea ver union and other stream management spe cialists to complete the job in record time. 1 1'" The first dam constructed by the NERDS has proved to be quite beneficial in controlling further damage by rising waters. Tribe to expand membership roles soon Center to add Gold equipment; prestige important ........ j- n i.jj .1.,.. u ...u In an unprecedented move, the Confederated Tribes of Warm Springs has agreed to open the membership roles to all Oregonians. The announcement was made early last week following the close of the final home base meeting concerning enrollment criteria. Very few people gathered for the announcement, as , most Warm Springs residents, an ticipating the move, had gone to neighboring communities to get ac quainted with the new members. "It's a definite gesture of goodwill. We are opening the roles so our neighbors will feel a part of this great nation," said tribal membership stat istician See-my Brown Nose. Eligibility requirements are quite lax, but confusing. As always, the Spill-Away News will help clarify the issues. Following are some of those requirements. 1 . Prospective members must have been born in Oregon between 1825 and 1900 or be a descendant of someone born between those years. 2. Membership status is not and SUDS cleanses A new clinic will soon open its doors on the Warm Springs Reser vation thanks to a grant from Su preme Unity Design Sockdaloger (SUDS). The clinic will enable resi dents to wash their problems away, while lying on a comfortable couch, with the help of accupuncture andor a clairavoyant. The first of its kind on an Indian reservation, the clinic will offer as sistance to all with a needle or with a seer. The patient will have entire control over which expert he sees and the treatment administered. Cost for services will be based on income. IHS physicians are skeptical about the new clinic, but feel they can work in conjunction with the new folks. SUDS is a part of Sectional Op erations Association Properties (SOAP). will not be based on national origin, race, sex, religious background or eye color. The only criteria that must be met is: An individual must have been born in Oregon of Oregon -born parents and child care must have been provided by someone of His panicJapanese and Bosnian descent. 3. Annual income must not exceed .$8,075. ,..... 4. Individuals considered for membership must have in their pos session a complete china service for 12 and complete sets of sterling sil ver flat ware and Spodc crystal. 5. Prospective members must drive red cars made no later than 1993. 6. New male members must have served in the armed forces, by choice, and must have received at least three medals of honor. For further information about the impending role changes,, contact Brown Nose. His office is located at the new tribal administration center, formerly known as the Dirty Moc, in downtown Madness. Classified Ads For Sale: Used man. Cheap. Doesn't do much. Doesn't talk much. Doesnl amount to much. Has no job. Low miles, but has been around the block a time or two. Payment plan available. Wanted: New man. Must have expensive tastes, but willing to foot the bill himself. Must be good looking, fashionable and neat. In an effort to offer the very latest in exercise equipment, the Warm Springs Community Center will soon acquire all equipment from Gold's Gym. The equipment is expected to arrive sometime and cost for the ac quisition is a "mere" $10 billion. "We know we're out of shape. We know that exercise is the answer. We also know that Gold's is the best. We offered them top dollar for their equipmcntand they (fell for) accepted it," said Center activity coordinator Ralph Fast Eddy Runner. Included in the deal will be onc to 10-pound weights, punching bags complete with pictures of popular, but hated, celebs, hand-held flexcrcisers, digit diet-rams, calorie culminators and back brushes. The price may seem a bit extreme to some, but according to Fast Eddy Runner, the name Gold'scarrics a lot of punch and weight. "We were going for status, not quantity or quality." Center patrons, unlike in the past, will be required to pay a slight users fee. Non-smokers will pay the fee directly to the Center. Smokers' fees will be taken from taxes paid on cigarettes. Through the miracle of computer science, each cigarette purchase will be recorded, by name and social security number; the Center will have direct access to the computer records. Although this method is a bit scary, Fast Eddy Runner added that those who desire true physical fitness should not be bothered that everybody and any body can access their personal records. "Shut up, or put up, is my theory," he said. Center of fie ials expect to ha ve the new equipment on sight by the end of June, just in time to work off all the extra calories accumulated at Pi-Ume-Sha. Time shares available to all Time share condos are now avail able in the peaceful hamlet of Cicily, Alaska. For a mere $5 a night, clients can enjoy the serene atmosphere of the rural Alaskan town of 3,000. The fee includes all meals, lodging in the town's newest two- and three-bedroom condos and exciting entertain ment. In addition to all the above ameni ties, owners can rub shoulders will Maggie, Dr. Joel, Marilyn and all the other stars of the popular TV show "Northern Exposure." You may even get a chance to appear on KBBR, Cicily's own popular radio station, hosted by Chris, the popular disc jockey. Mostcondos will beavailablc during filming of the show and condo owners tvill be the first to be features as extras on the show. Don't miss your chance for peace and quiet plus the opportunity to make your debut on TV's hottest sitcom. Call 1-700-U-CAN-BUY for more information. Robots: A useful addition? Mom's letter to son touches heart of many '' ' 1 i1 It was announced just yesterday that the tribal organization will un dergo, once again, another restruc turing. Though exact specifics are notknownat this time, Tribal officials have stated that drastic changes are in the works. One official hinted that possibly all current general managers would be replacedby robots designed and programmed by the Tribal Council. The official said that Council was pleased with proposed programming in that the robots never get tired, require breaks for smoking or lunch or sick or annual leave. If investigation of the proposal is favorable, the robots would be in place by the middle of July 1994. Each is expectd to occupy just a fraction of the space currently taken up by the GMs. Also to be eliminated would be the weekly management meetings and the frequent manage mentCouncil meetings. Officials believe that the robots would be in valuable in the scheme of things and would even be programmed to up grade computer software and repair cars. It is obvious that the addition of robots would affect the entire orga nization. The proposed changes would be expensive but it is anticipated that overall costs would be reduced and offset the costs within the next five years. The organization has its doubting Thomases with some say ing that robots are inhuman (no kid ding) and cold. But, business is busi ness and money is money. The bot tom line is the most important factor when making these types of deci sions. Watch Spill-Away's next issue for complete information. Dear Son, Im writing this slow cause i know you can't reade fast. We ' don't live where we did when you left Madras. Your Dad Read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Madras folks that lived here took the numbers with them for there new house so they wouldn't have to change there address. This place has a Washing Machine. The first day I put four shirts into it, I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. time and four days the second Your Uncle Buckfell into the time. Good for the Wheat wiskey vat. Some men tried to Crops. pull him out, but he fought them The coat you wanted me to off playfully and drowned. We sendyou.yourAuntViviansaid cremated him. He burnedfor3 it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the fu neral fiome said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she days. Three of your old friends from the Madras Elks went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two Local fire fighter helps control blaze at recent nuclear accident near Kah-Nee-To-junction. Only time wWtellif anyone was injured. Memo: April 1, 1993 To: Bill Struck Dumb From: George Knows-it-all Note: The following memo is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch offices. The person who wrote it was serious. Abstract: Mouse balls available as Field Replacement Units Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufac turer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in a sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.. It is recommended that each rcplaccr have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. From: Northwest Fhone Service men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery. About your sister-in-law, she had a baby this morning. I haven ' t found out whether it is I only rained twice this week a boy or a girl, so I don't know in Madras, three days the first if you are an aunt or an uncle. comes. Aboutyour Dad, he has drowned. They couldn't get the a lovely new job and has 500 tailgate down. Love, Your Mother P.S.: Was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. mm m r..' t n 6 ........ & y. - The Great Fortunes Bridge, connecting the Cove Marina and Indian Island atljike Billy Chinook, will soon open. Casino-style gambling, yacht racing and skinny dipping will begin as soon as the first car crosses the bridge. A dinner boat will also float the lake as will the WHaPS (Water Hazard Prevention Ships).