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About East Oregonian : E.O. (Pendleton, OR) 1888-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 2018)
November 2018 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 7 The thoughtful art of teaching children empathy By ERIN BARTCH, M.S. Have you ever had a really bad day, but when you went to tell someone all they did was tell you how to fix it? How much did you want to respond like a two- year-old? That’s because what you needed was empathy and what you got was the opposite. If you’ve ever had a friend who was good at empathy, you know how valuable that skill is. It’s probably something you want your children to be good at, too. Showing empathy to others is one of the foundations to being an emotionally healthy adult. But here’s the thing: Empathy isn’t something that we’re born with, it’s a skill that has to be learned. This begs the question: “How do I teach my kids the skill of empathy?” The answer is simple to understand but really hard to implement. The first step is learning to feel our emotions. That doesn’t mean we become them, we just need to acknowledge them. If I’m sad, I need to recognize that and not dismiss it or use a comforting distraction like chocolate. When I’m scared, I need to be mindful of that and not just put on my big girl pants and pretend it’s not there. This is important because in order for us to be comfortable with our children’s emotions, we need to be comfortable with our own. Now, if you are anything like me, this is hard because I wasn’t taught how to feel my feelings. Growing up I was taught to push my feelings away or tell mom and she would rescue me from them (usually with food or a gift). As I’ve learned to feel my emotions and not to brush them away, I’ve gotten better at empathizing with McKay Creek Estates Is Mom a little more forgetful lately? FREE Cognitive Screening (541) 704 - 7146 1601 Southgate Pl • Pendleton, OR 97801 • www.PrestigeCare.com others when they have those feelings. Next, model empathy with our children. If you thought just feeling your own emotions was hard, this is really, really hard. Usually in those moments when our kids get those big emotions, we become our parents – we tend to repeat those things they said or did. When I see those big tears, I start reaching for the ice cream. Your response might be to dismiss their feelings with a “you’re fine, get over it.” Though you are trying to help, this isn’t empathy, and it doesn’t let our children go through the process of learning and healing. If you got the first step down, now is when you need to use it. Just be with your child and don’t try to problem-solve the situation or find a silver lining. This might mean you sit with them and say, “You seem anxious, you aren’t sure what that loud sound was,” instead of “You’re fine.” You might say, “You seem disappointed, you were hoping to have dessert” instead of “You don’t need it anyway.” Or you maybe you say, “You seem sad, you wish your friend could stay longer” instead of “Only babies cry.” By just being there with your child, you allow them to acknowledge their feelings, which allows them to move to the next steps of problem solving in a healthy way. Modeling empathy is some- Strategies thing you can start today. We can practice with our infants. When they are upset we can affirm their feelings rather than shush them: “You’re scared, you weren’t sure if I was coming back. Breathe with me.” When our toddlers have huge disappointment in the store, we can acknowledge their feeling and support them instead of threaten them. Instead say, “You are upset, you wanted that candy bar. But you can handle this.” When we model this to our children, we are not only teaching them how to process their emo- tions, but how to notice the feel- ings of others and show empathy. We our building their social emo- tional skills and preparing them to be emotionally healthy adults. So to recap, here are the super simple steps: • Name their emotion (“you seem…”) • Point out why you think they feel that way (“you were hop- ing/wanting…”) • Then just feel with them. ________ With a masters in Child development and Family studies, Erin Bartsch is the P-3 Coordinator for the Blue Mountain Early Learning Hub, working to bridge early childhood resources and prepare children for kindergarten. For more parenting support resources, click on the red wagon at www. bluemountainearlylearninghub.org.
