VIEWPOINTS
Saturday, December 16, 2017
East Oregonian
Page 5A
The anchovy wallet: A Christmas story
B
ig rains blew into northern California
that November and December. My kid
and I were living along an unnamed
creek on a sizable acreage between Petaluma
and Point Reyes. My employment entailed
the feeding and care of horses, cattle, sheep,
hogs, dogs and poultry, including too many
peacocks. One peacock is too
many. Three is way too many.
It was the holiday season.
The boss lady, a patroness of
the arts, had invited several
artsy types to share a Christmas
meal with her.
“Wouldn’t it be cool,”
she reasoned, “to stuff an
entire turkey with anchovies?
Wouldn’t that be a mind-
blower?”
I suggested that it would be almost as
mind-blowing to feed them peacock. She
peeled off a fifty dollar bill. The job also
entailed running to town for anchovies.
I went to the bunkhouse to change
clothing. Two weeks of solid rain and wind,
coupled with several power outages, had
reduced my trousseau to a hamper full of
muddy Wranglers infested with hog snot
and peacock crap. I managed to dig deeply
enough in my foot locker to retrieve one
ratty pair of jeans with the left rear pocket
blown out at the bottom seam. That was
normally my wallet pocket. I shifted it to the
right rear.
Petaluma was once the egg capital of
the world, and still sports an eight-foot
concrete chicken in its city park, but it is
only a 35-minute Porsche ride from San
Francisco. The herd of gentrifying bedroom
commuters carried their notion of culture
with them when they bought Petaluma’s
charm. Old Italian corner markets were
supplanted by gigantic shopping complexes,
with supermarkets at both ends. Downtown
was deserted. All commerce took place in
chain stores that circled the old city. Even
in Pendleton I think of this phenomenon as
California ringworm.
In all the glitz and shuck of modern food
retailing I could not find one stinking little
can of anchovies, let alone
50 bucks worth. Finally,
while wandering down the
condiment aisle of a Lucky
Supermarket, about the time
I was beginning to think that
artists all over Marin country
must be jamming rotten little
fish into the gut cavities of
turkeys, I ran across a small
printed sign saying:
“We are terribly sorry to
inconvenience our anchovy customers. Due
to the effects of El Niño on the Peruvian
fishery, there has been an indefinite
interruption of the North American supply of
canned anchovies.”
I stole the sign. Rich patrons of the arts
don’t like to believe that there are such
things as anchovy shortages. On the way
back out of Petaluma, I stopped to buy a
pack of smokes at a 7-Eleven. Ten minutes
toward the ranch, while leaning over to fight
an ashtray fire, I realized that my wallet was
not in my right rear pocket. I slapped my left
cheek. Not there either. Aw Shucks! Habit
had over-ridden carefulness and I’d put the
billfold into my shredded left rear pocket.
My driver’s license and forty-eight dollars
of the bosslady’s money was laying back
there in the 7-Eleven parking lot. I flipped
a U-turn. What were the chances? Maybe I
could at least salvage the driver’s license.
Lady Luck works in mysterious
ways. In my former parking spot was a
chromed, engraved, air-brushed panhead
El Niño is
the Spanish
word for the
Christ child.
Quick takes
Pendleton Whisky is sold
Oh no! Canadian whiskey with an Amer-
ican name sold to Mexicans?! What is this
world coming to?
— Chris Settles
It is a huge move for the brand. This
company will take it more nationwide/
global and the Round-Up will get more
money off the royalties. I’m not a fan of
the whiskey but as far as business moves
this is huge.
— Jess-Pat Schiller
They all sell to bigger company eventu-
ally. I’d sell out for that money, too.
— William Moser
Hermiston police nab 75
pounds of marijuana
Maybe if they actually allowed a dispen-
sary in the city, people wouldn’t continue to
buy from street dealers.
— Warren G Molden
Why do people justify crimes, any
crimes?
— Leola Lyons McConkey
Pendleton considers prayer
before council meeting
Even though I believe in the freedom of
prayer, I agree ... it is more of a personal
issue than a public issue. The pledge of
allegiance however, is more of a public
declaration.
— Pam Ezell
It wouldn’t hurt to invite God to the party.
— Denise Henkle Owen
Why couldn’t they give everyone 3
minutes of silence to quietly address their
higher power (or take a nap if they don’t
believe in that) so that way they respect
everyone? Then they’re not forcing anyone
to do anything they don’t want to yet still
respecting those that prefer to pray.
— Jessica Wheeler
If you let Christian prayers in you have to
let everyone else in. How about not wasting
time squabbling about whose god is better
and actually do some work?
J.D. S mith
FROM THE HEADWATERS
OF DRY CREEK
into the parking lot, with a $60 case of Pearl
Brand Anchovies tied to his sissy bar.
The bosslady did carry out her culinary
experiment. I will never know how an
anchovy-stuffed turkey tastes. We could
smell the admixture of roasting bird and fish
oil clear out in the bunkhouse. The cats were
very interested in the odor. Delta and I opted
to eat our holiday meal at the local Wendy’s.
I bought a chain for my wallet on Friday.
■
J.D. Smith is an accomplished writer and
jack-of-all-trades. He lives in Athena.
The Air Force needs to listen to rural residents
O
n Sept. 27, 1956, my
New Mexico, a population of 30,000.
father piloted the tricky,
Not a single voice from the
experimental X-2 on
farmers and ranchers of Grant County
one of its first flights of well
was heard. Nor from Silver City, a
over 1,000 miles per hour. That
community that largely depends on
day, the rocket plane performed
tourism, recreation and retirement.
exceptionally well and set a new
And not a single voice was heard
speed record. Then it spun wildly
from the many people who value
out of control. I was only 2 years
Sharman the heritage of this country’s oldest
old when Captain Milburn Apt
wilderness and the peaceful beauty of
Apt Russell
crashed and died in the Mojave
New Mexico’s last free-flowing river.
Comment
Desert at Edwards Air Force Base,
The Air Force made no serious
California. I have always admired
attempt to inform the citizens of
my father’s courage and service to this
Grant County about the
country, as I admire the courage and service new Military Operations
of so many American pilots.
Area. At a special county
Yet I do not admire what the Air
commission meeting
Force plans to do where I live. In 2018,
that was organized after
Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico
the military’s scoping
will decide whether to create a new
process had closed, Air
Military Operations Area for F-16 fighter
Force representatives
jets above the Gila River watershed in
said that they had
Grant County, New Mexico.
sent a letter to one
There would be potentially 10,000
county commissioner
“sorties” a year, with a sortie defined as a
and another letter to a
plane leaving and returning to the Air Force
regional newspaper that
base. Ten percent of those flights will be
was not the newspaper
Mach 1, faster than the speed of sound at
of record. The Air Force apologized for
768 mph, and 10 percent will take place
any misunderstanding and agreed to
at night. Many of the fighter jets will be
allow further public comment up to the
flying at high speed just 500 feet above the
completion of their draft EIS this spring.
ground. Others will be dropping flares and a More public hearings will then follow.
radar-deflecting metal material called chaff
Those comments can be submitted online
from above 2,000 feet. These maneuvers,
at www.hollomanafbairspaceeis.com or
designed to test new pilots, will take place
mailed to an address on that website. Among
over the Gila National Forest and Gila and
two options, Alternative Two creates a new
Aldo Leopold wilderness areas, skirting the
testing area.
vibrant arts-and-culture town of Silver City.
Here in Grant County, we have the
How did local people react to these plans? next few months to help shape that draft
They weren’t asked. A 30-day “scoping
environmental impact statement. Some
process” to inform the Environmental Impact of us will explain how bursts of extreme
Statement required by this plan took place
noise — sonic booms — many times an
this last fall. To help assess the environmental hour will affect our health and well-being,
and social impacts of the flights, the Air
as well as our sleeping patterns. Others
Force held three town meetings, but not one
will talk about the effect of sporadic booms
was in the affected area of Grant County,
on deer and other wildlife, horses, hikers,
hunters, children and the elderly and sick,
as well as property values. We can point to
the values of silence and solitude that are
embedded in the Wilderness Act itself. We
can explore the potential hazards of falling
chaff to wildlife and people.
Ken Ladner, the mayor of Silver City,
has already written a letter to Holloman
Air Force Base opposing the plan, citing
the town’s dependence on tourism but also
noting potential damage to Native American
sites from sound vibrations. He also cited
the impacts to the “vast scientific laboratory”
of the Gila National
Forest and the role of this
area as a gateway to the
Continental Divide Trail
system. The mayor invited
Air Force officials to visit
Silver City before making
a decision and concluded,
“I would be happy to be
your personal guide.”
My friends and
neighbors in the Gila
Valley are not anti-
military. But the way the
Air Force initially pushed this plan through
without consulting those most affected by it
was flat wrong. The scale of training being
proposed for this new Military Operations
Area is extreme. Holloman Air Force Base
has other options, including dividing these
10,000 flights among multiple training areas
and the nearby White Sands Missile Range.
Preserving the unique character of rural
New Mexico is more than a self-interested,
not-in-my-backyard stance. Our national
forests and wilderness areas deserve
protection because they are legacies that
belong to everyone.
■
Sharman Apt Russell is a contributor to
Writers on the Range, the opinion service
of High Country News (hcn.org). She is a
writer in New Mexico.
The Air Force is
deciding where
to test new F-16
fighter jets,
faster than the
speed of sound.
CONTACT YOUR REPRESENTATIVES
U.S. PRESIDENT
Donald Trump
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Comments: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414
www.whitehouse.gov/contact/
— Jenni Remillard
One of the great lessons of the Twitter age is
that much can be summed up in just a few words.
Here are some of this week’s takes. Tweet yours
@Tim_Trainor or email editor@eastoregonian.
com, and keep them to 140 characters.
Harley hog, equipped with ape-hangers,
studded saddle bags, and a twisted barstock
extended springer front end. Old school. The
motorcycle’s skinny front tire was sitting
directly on my wallet.
It was not difficult to figure out who
owned the Harley. Inside the store was a
large fellow munching on Cheetoes and
slapping a pinball machine. I approached
him with my dilemma, and offered to buy
him a six pack of his choice if he would
move his motorcycle backwards six inches.
He looked through the plate glass, spied the
wallet and broke out in giggles.
“Wow, far out. Never even saw the goods.
I’m lucky to get the kickstand down without
tipping her over. Sure.”
His name was Darrell. The ranch bought
us each a sixer and we communed in the
parking lot. He mentioned that I should put a
chain on my wallet. I mentioned the anchovy
famine, showed him the purloined sign.
Darrell had been a meteorologist in
the Navy. He explained that El Niño was
the Spanish word for the Christ child,
that around Christmastime of some years
prevailing westerly trade winds along the
equator in the Pacific change to easterlies,
pushing a big wave of warm water against
the coast of South America. There are not
enough nutrients in the warm water to
support the 20 million-member schools of
anchovies, so the fish either starve or head
for cooler waters, leaving the Peruvian
anchovy canneries with nothing to can. The
year before had been a very major El Niño
year.
But he knew where to score anchovies.
His brother was managing a pizza joint that
was about to belly-up because a new Pizza
Hut had opened in the mall. Give him 30
bucks and he’d become an anchovy dealer.
Fifteen minutes later Crabby rumbled back
U.S. REPRESENTATIVE
Greg Walden
185 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
202-225-6730
La Grande office: 541-624-2400
U.S. SENATORS
Ron Wyden
221 Dirksen Senate Office Bldg.
Washington, DC 20510
202-224-5244 La Grande 541-962-7691
Jeff Merkley
313 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
202-224-3753 Pendleton: 541-278-1129
STATE REPRESENTATIVES
Greg Barreto, District 58
900 Court St. NE, H-38
Salem, OR 97301
503-986-1458
Rep.GregBarreto@state.or.us
Greg Smith, District 57
900 Court St. NE, H-482
Salem, OR 97301
503-986-1457
Rep.GregSmith@state.or.us
STATE SENATOR
Bill Hansell, District 29
900 Court St. NE, S-423
Salem, OR 97301
503-986-1729
Sen.BillHansell@state.or.us