SUNDAY, DRCKMDER 6, VAM.
WRITE SOMETHING FUN-
K fiY TO SUCCEED
SERIOUS BUSINESS OF DIS
COVERING HUMOROUS
TALENT.
BOSTON. Dec. S.,t'M-Th rar
tit thing in the world, everybody
know who knowi anything about
the literary markets, it new Joke.
The next rarest is an old Joke 10 re
vamped that It looks new. The livll
tit hunt among publishers of booki
and magaalnes todiy l (or real hu
mor.' 'See that driwer," observed the
llmr i,l hia New York weekly to
tn aspirant (or literary honori who
felt lure he could write le ngm
tuff If h nnlv knew lust whar the
editor wanted. "Nearly empty, Unt
it ? That's my honor drawer. Any one
who can help me to fill it li periona
grata in thii office."
The editor, like every other, had
discovered how rare genuinely tun
mi .ritin ! Tn discover the hum
oroui article! which now and then
nrrur In the maaaalnes. the DUD
Usher's . most serious occupation,
Anything that contain! a latign
line ii received gleefully In the edi
torial officei of half a hundred Amer
inn nuhllthlnir hoUICI. '
Roth ichooli of American humor
rr In favor. Anybody who can be
either broadly or delicately witty
finds a hearing thee dayi-ai well
ai many who think they are able to
be either and actually are neither.
The extinction between the nub
tU .nd the obvious nroune of hum
ArUt wit amim nfftv traced In a re
cent Harvard Phi Beta Kappa after
dinner ipeech whlcn introduced to
the learned loclety Ret. Samuel M.
Croihera. a onbllnher'a "find", a Uni
tarian clergyman known mostly
tot ao long ago aa President Rllot'i
pastor but now duly qualified aa a
literary successor of Oliver Wendell
Holrhes. who li expected to' produce
omethlna- brlaht whenever he
(Audits tvnevrlter to osner. "
The point wai made in thla addreii
that mnit American humroista have
belonged very clearly to one. or th
other of thee ichooli; and consul
tation of luch a manual ai "The
Early American Humorists," ban-
tv ffrnre hnnV that ovr letee-
tloni from the writlnga of many, who
fammu In their own day are now in
too great danger of being forgtten,
diorlnne pretty dearly on the one lide
r
,., I,,,,,U.,I,.II I IIIP .! .IUIIIIL..M IIJIJI I ,1,1 II P.IM.1 IN II .....;..," ....T, Ml . mil. " , M
m filit Mil W C ECU EMT-, 1
On Monday, Dec. 7
STEEL ME WART
p Will Open the Doers of Their'
Electric Fixture Show Rooms
With one of the most complete and up-to-date lines of elec
trie goods in the Northwest. This firm has long been recog.
nited as the leading electrical contracting firm in Astoria, and
has met with such ready and loyal support in its endeavor to
raise the standard of electrical wiring that
& & ASTORIA NOW HAS A & &
Modern Electrical Fixture Establishment
with every.style of electrical and combination fixtures,glassware
and reading lamps. . A visit to our sbow rooms (next the Astor.
ian office) where everything is1 connected to" demonstrate how
the lights burn, will be of interest to you and we 'will consider
it a pleasure to explain everything. ; ; '"
steel
I J1' ' 1 . I'i
A phone call
id InVen who had btiffon gift like
"Artcmi Ward," "Orpheua S. Kerr,"
"Hill Arp," Joh Hilling, "mroie
um V, Naithy" and the "Danbttry
Newi Man," and on the other aide
the literary witi like Washington jr
vln. George William Curtis -and N.
I' Willi, wlwae (niict humor more
dourly resembled thitt of the great
Kiiulish wrllen of tlie eignteemn
century. The dicuver 01 numor-
lt by publisher In the last lew
... tiuv nnt been 10 nunicroui,
and many of them have been dlsap
polittmenti became yi writer wno
u.. .t.rMif In bv belnar uproarious-
ly funny often conceive! an Idea of
reforming the worm tnrougn n nu
njor and thereafter become! deadly
dull. Thla tendency of the Jester to
aim to be a preacher hai been very
apparent in th history oi American
humor,
T...t ii Dr. Brotheri li perbapi
the moat ' valuable recent discovery
among men who write, a womm
whose humoroua powen were quite
.....a.rtrA ii n to a short time ago,
otttlide of circle of personal ac
quaintance, hai come to the tore, i ne
literary world li itlll laughing over
the failure of Mark Twain, hlmielf
the world'a leading humorist, to rec
ognlxe a professional hand in the
first of the 'Letters pf Jennie Allen"
which MIn Grace Donwortn, a i ro
vldenci woman, wrote ai a practi
cal joke. '
The atory ia that while aome good
i. nf e,nn Franc tco Relief
Committee of the Rhode I aland capi
tal were engaged in assorting ana
packing clothing, lent to them for
the benefit of rjctlma of the earth-
quake and fire one of their number
lrter niirned "Jennie Al
len" which requeued that a certain
garment ihould be returned io ncr
.I. It ht hen forwarded by mis
take, The apelling and phrasing of
the communication were Knui
wonderful, and half from curiosity it
wai answered. It wai alio ihown to
a number of people and a copy ot it
came into Mark Twain'! handi,
which he twice nsed a aubject mat-
(er for more or less lenoua speecn
ifylng, ai at an annual dinner of the
k..ra-int,A Vrrti. and wnicn imcr
the Simplified Spelling society
onorlv i.niftl ai nart of one ol tti
leaflets. The , letter turned out, of
course to be the production of Mm
Donworth. who waa a memoer oi .ine
committee. After the lady had ad
mitted her guilt she amuaed herseH
and her companion! by adding more
letters gradually describing ine en
tire "Allen" family and ita acquain
tances. Some of these were publish
a in th ladies Home Journal. Now
that in their completeness they have
been issued in book form the wnoie
community la quoting Misi Don
worth's witticisms, such aa Mr.
1 mm
will bring us at any time to estimate on your work
Siiitinv lava vnu can't rise with the
lark if you've been on one the night
before, ' or "He i a Maine man, but
a perfeck gentleman, So is his mo
ther." or again, "VVc are going to
live close to my folks so I can help
them when they need me, and .his
mother is going to live with us. My
clip runneth over.'
In spite of occasional broad touch
es the general tiiulity of Miss pun
worth's work puts her In the same
class with the more subtle school of
humorists like Mr. Crothcrs, Robert
Grant, Witter Bynncr, whose recent
"Ode to Harvard'' contains some of
the brightest louches of fancy of any
recent poem, Ralph Ilcrgvngren, in
whom Collier's Weekly just now an
nounces a combination of Lewis Car
roll and Frank Stockton, and Agnes
Reppliei. whose fund of brilliant wit
accumulate! steadily year by year.
"Jennie Allen's" humor in some re
spect! resembles that ol rawer ;onn
B. Tabb, the prevailing quality in
whose delightfully funny versei, as
in his "Quips and Quiddits," and
ThiM V.re" ii one of subtlety, al
though he now and then breaks forth
into something broad ana aangcroun
ly near being underical, ai in his of
ten quoted quip:
"A pious prelate used to ride
A donkey which, alas
Ilia patience being often tride,
He called Eu-damid-ai:
Aname he emphasized or not
A orew his temper cool or hot."
It comparatively eeldom happens
that a humorist who is "found as
belonging to one of these two dis
.I.,-, .ttnnta nauei over to tnc oin
.ftrr Kb has been discovered, al
though among writers of comic verse
snd prose WJlIiam f . Mm was im
ole and delicate In his lyrica of The
rV nrcir Nicrhtineale" while no one
can accuse him of extreme delicacy
i,. rnrili th discussions between
the Manicure I.ady and the Barber or
reproduces the compontions ot wttie
rt..i.k. . ,
No conspicuoui find of the broad
school of humor has been prociaim
.,i Ku mv niilili.sliinc . huse In the
present year. Probably the most no
ted humorist, indeeu, oi inn mump
tin li a rnmt into oromlnence in re
cent ears is Ellis Parker Butler,
.u.. rin T. rim" itarted a cnuc
w MUfv ' ft w " wr- "
li- tvue from Atlantic to
p.ir, Another of Mr. Butlers
works representing his style, at its
u... hi. "Prrkins of Portland,
JV a l I n w m -
the itory of the advertising man who
performed commercial miracles wim
l:. ...-!. nhrc. such as "Mur-
11,9 MIlVl. ' , ,
dock's soap is pure soap; it you
j k.ti.v It. hite. it" and ms
UVIIt iv.i.. ' " I '
ui..t,in.' mn,r norou ollitcr
(cm..,. y-r-- . a l
Makei all pains and achei fly tai
ter."
h hroait school humorists
would probably be placed "Mr. Doo-
m
-JeiJ .
1 -.
A
1
0
mm
XT',
4'
) V. A.
ley" (Peter Finley Dunne) who nas
successfully worked the same vein
or now more than ten years. His
two earliest books "Mr. Dooley in
a tir-ff I Mf nln
reace ana in wr iu -k
were among the greatest discoveries
ever made, by an American puoiisn-
ig house. They now count among
the classics of American humor, for
which there is the same kind of con-
timious demand as for Mark Twain's
works or. for Stockton's 'Rudder
Gran.' Ar-m, of co.:s-. is m.
versatile George Ade. In somewhat
vm&r - - -
the same class though of more var- gec ana lur iuu, ..- m...
table talent, Is the prolific Holman but little inquiry this week, but for
F. Day, who lives in Maine and tunately for the market, little stock
writes books of verse about Maine in these lines came in.
people with a mission-that rrision
l a: . r.ij, urrittpn
for one of his volumes by his friend
Connressman Charles Lii'ieleM, "to
sell as many copies as possioie.
ii . i.,mnMci. nhn he.
long with the jes ers rather than with
the graceful essayists are, ot course, ity mere win uc ciiuugn u-.-nt
Pnrnifi f!ow mand for it is known that a number
I.C1CLLC UUIMV.A V. " t
fame, whose "Gage of Youth" and
"Vivette" have however shown him
in more subtle light; Oliver Her-
ford, author of "The Bashful Earth-
quake," "An Alphabet of Celebrities"
and other thrillmgly tunny prouuc-
tions; Charles Batten uoomis, cnecr-,
ful ontimist and popular lecturer as
well as author. All these have at one
time or other been hailed as great
rtUroveries. and the receipt of a man -
... .
r, f th,m i lilt an'
usii.yi ..v.... ... r.
event in maliy editorial offices.
After Mr. Dooley perhaps the most
ist of the past ten years was George
T T T ..m.. 1re. MT tfr from
1 v II' ' 1 tuav-v
nortc twuium., ""-
!f.lf-Male Merchant to His Son,
caught the popular fancy to an
traordinary degree resulting in the 1
sale of nearly half a million copies of ,
a book which is still among the good
sellers. Mr. Lorimer up to the time!
of the appearance of his book had
been known first as an . excellent
...cnnnr rmnrtrr. then as an ac-
complished editor, but it was not re -
aiizcu in o -
to a place among
U1C lUltlllVOk VI
American humorists.
Beware of Frequent Colds.
A succession of colds or a pro
tracted cold is almost certain to end
chronic catarrh, from which few
persons ever wholly recover, owe
every cold the attention it deserves
and you may avoid this disagreeable
disease. How can you cure a cold?
Why not try Chamberlain's Cough
Remedy? It is highly recommend
ed. Mrs. M. White, of Butler, Tenn.,
savs: ; "Several years ago I was
bothered with my throat and lungs.
Someone told me pf Chamberlain s
fnito-h Remedv. I beean usinsr it
mm.
nana
few suggestions
buyers. Nothing makes a more ' suitable
Christmas gift for a man or woman than a
good piece of furniture. We have the most
complete line of furniture ever shown in As
toria. We have everything that the heart
desires. Give us a call and let us show
you something new in dinning tables and jit
the same time we may be able to make your
visit both interesting and profitable,
A CALL IS ALL WE ASK
Astoria- Fisraitor e C
BeharrelL
The Daily Market Report
rT-t., .t.
ends with the poultry market on the
"
than a month past Hens and chick-
ens were m good demand today, and
at prices approximately 2 cents
Signer man ine i u
first of the week, while ducks also
were afirly active at the quotations
that have ruled all the week. For
mere win De nine h any poumj
of anv kind to carry over to next
week, and the outlook is for a good
market for the remainder of the
monm. sxo smpincnu ui
the Christmas trade re exoected for
a week or more, but in all probabil-
--- "
of the turkey producers of the alley
at Thanksgiving time held oacic some
of their birds tor tne later nouuay
trade. Storage stocks in the city
will laso be drawn upon io
extent.
WHOLESALE PRICES.
- .
.
; Grain, Flour, Hay, Etc.
Wheat Track prices: Club,
89c
... . , . ,1
oiue-stem, yx; lursey rea,
Russian. Bc: Valley, vie.
a avua a w( t r o ' .
$3.954.20; exports, $3 70; Valley,
. , . gn. l 1-
5445. u-sacK cranam. m.w; wnuic
. . ... e en
s
V
brewing, $27. . .
Oats-No; 1 white, $31; gray. $33.
Hay Track prices: Timothy
Willamette vauey, tancy, w;-a.7,
. ordinary, $12; Eastern Oregon, mix-
.J cixeo. An (m tl7?()' alfalfa.
jj jrjgj. cicveri $12.
Ml i stu its-reran. 30. du: miaaunKs,
$33; shorts, country,
$31; shorts,
city, $30;chop, $22.
Meats and Provisions. '
Dressed Meats Hogs, fancy 7
71c, ordinary 661c, large 5c; veal,
extra 819c, ordinary 67c, heavy
5c; mutton, fancy 67c. .
Bacon Breakfast, 15211c, pic
nics 10c, cottage roll 111c; regular
short clears, smoked 13c, do un
smoked 12c; clear bellies, unsmoked
14c, do smoked ISc; shoulders, 11c.
Hams-10-12 lbs., 15c; 14-16 lbs ,
throat and lungs are sound and
well." For sale by Frank Hart and
I .:tl!lll!,..;,..- I
lJ i
for the Christmas
J. C. Carrington
li
15c; 18-20 lbs., 15c ; 1 ,
Lard-Kettle leaf, 10s, 14c: do 5s,
141c; do 50-lb. tins, 13c; steam ren
dered, 10s, 13c; do 5s, 13ic; com
pound, 8lC. , ,
Batter, Egga and Ponltry.'
Cheese Full cream twins, 15c: full
cream triplets, 15c; Young America,
16c: cream brick. ISCffiZUc: Swiss
block, 1820c; Limburger, 1820c.
Poultry Mixed chickens IKffliii:;
fancy hens, 12c; roosters, old 8c,
broilers and fryers, 1212!c; dressed
poultry,' lc lb. higher; ducks, 1415c;
geese, 910c; turkeys, live, 1718c;
dressed, 2022c,
Butter Extras, 3637c; fancy, 33
34c; choice, 30c; store, 1820c
Eggs Extra Oregons, 40 cents;
Eastern, 28 32c. y '
" Fruits and Vegetable.
Potatoes Buying prices, 808Sc;
oer hundred: sweets. $2 per hundred.
Fresh Fruits Oranges, $2.503;
lemons, $45; grapes, $151.65 per
crate; pears, 75c$125 per box;
quinces, $175 per box; cranberries,
$12(312.50 per barrel; bananas, 551c
per pound. " ,; ""
Onions Buying prices, 9095c,
Apples oesi viregon,
-! v-' '. i are increasea oy Deauuiui surrouno
common, 75c$l box. , ...-.... . A
Veeetables Turnips, 515 per:'"Bs- sw "u u.K..
sack: beets, $155: parsnips, $175;
u.i.. t en. i.,h...
,S0$l
CalUUBUC, ai.n, unu .vnuvw, , wvyy. . ; . . i
dozei; cucumbers, hothouse, $l.25 w;ji maije your rooms look bright
1.40 crate; celery, 7585c vdoien;lan(l attractive. jf you are going to
anicnoKcs, o.,, .
pound; eggplant, $1.50 crater toma-
toes. Slffll.50 crate; squash, .1 cent,
' j. . ,(
per pound; peppers, $1.75 per box:
cauliflower, 75c$l per dozen.
Oysters, Clams and Fish.
Oysters Shoalwater Bay, per gal
lon $2.25; per sack $4.50; Toke Point,
$1.60 per 100; Olympias (120 lbs.).
$6; Olympias, per gallon, $255.
.... FOR A . . .
VICTOR OR AN EDISON
PHONOGRAPH ,
-)GO TO(-
Johnson v
Parlor Second Floor Over Scholfield MattrKin Co.
na i ... 1
' ,
mil '
The Cornelius
MThe House of Welcome"
Comer Park and Alder,
PORTLAND, -OREGON.
A hotel where the North
west people will find a hearty
welcome and receive
Courteous Treatment
at moderate prices.
Our free Omnibus meets
all trains.
Under management of N. K. Clarke
C W. CORNELIUS, Proprietor.
, . ,
WALL PAPERS
do any re-papering you should have
. done immediately . amj thus put
. . , ...
your nouse in reai nonaay inra, ,
, . .
AlleA Wall Paper
and Paint Co.
Cor. 11TH AND BOND
CHRISTMAS JOYS
lonoppn
Now my leading druggists.
i
and It relieved me at once.