WEDNESDAY, JANUARY aa, 190a.
THE MORNING ASTORIAN. ASTORIA. OREGON.
CS
C, 0. D, MAN'S DOtN
Tells a Story of Misfortunes and
Human Ingratitude.
MEETS A CATOSH YOUNG MAN
Twae Rather a Lucky Acquaintance
Per tha Dilapidated Oantltman, as,
na carna soma Eaty Money In a
Qama af Bluff.
tCupyriKht, 1WT, by Homar Bpragu.
They call uia tho 0. 0. D. man be
cause lie nlwitji cash on dollvery with
mo-thnt U, I deliver my tala of mis
fortuue and eipoct tba cah to follow.
(This aavea time and bookkeeping and
ofllet rant, . and your cash reglatar
shows you what you bava on band at
any minute I never crowd myself la I
among gentlemen uulosa strongly j
urged, and I never affiliate with other
tratnpa when I enn find atraw atack
for myself. Not that I think, I'm
worae than any other gentleman or
j
'hi bead w nil a (AlmblsfmaJhell dm
In tba nowt with the glove half an
hour ago and will crow over It for a
j week. I want revenge, tut I don't
take to the glove somehow. I east
got the awing of 'oro. If you'll come
down . and knock that nlnny'a eye
brows off I'll cough up a v. I can
1 run you In all right, and I want you
to sonk blm. You needn't quite kill
him, but Jar hla tooth out at Joan."
"It's Qre to eoak the chap with the
' llftp," aaya I after thinking the thing
ovor, "but bow much to bluff the
whole club down Into their bootsl"
"Can you do It, man-can you do It
for euro?" be eagerly exclaimed aa a
beautiful amlle came to hla phla.
"I think ! can. At least I am willing
to try." ' ,
"Lordy, If you only eould-if you
only could I There' dozen buaky
scrappers there tonight, and If you
DJuiT'oin it' nrtecn plunks In your la
side pocket."
Given Five en Aeeeunt
lie gave me Ore on account and took
me down and dodged ma Into tho
dressing room of the club. He was
chuckling with anticipation, and aa he
aeetned to be aquare young man I
determined' to do my beat for him.
When I waa ready to go before the
audlonc be Introduced me aa his
couatn and aked them to go light on
ma on account of my lunga being at
fectod. I bad on a pair of eyoglaaaea,
with my long bah brushed back over
my marble ears, and all took ma for
profeaaor. They picked out the cham
pion scrapper of tba club to wallop
me, and when be gets Into the ring be
- says:.
)j "Excuse me, profeaaor, but you're
got your glasaca on."
"Of coume." aaya I.
"But tbat ain't regular. If I emaab
your glaaaoa I may ruin your eye tor-
8
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Blank
Books
Up to the Highest Standards,
ooktaindin
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After Strictly Modern Methods,
, , :' -., ; '.'' '.' . . v. . ' ' . '' ' -' :'
rintia
of Every Description
B
Wm BI ON, TWO, TftftJM, LIOBTLT
os tus cms. ;
"I'm nigh alghted and always box
i wiu mj wiusera on. xou go ngni
! ahead and ruin my eyes forever and I
ansa t make any kick."
I Til be hanged If 1 do." eaya be after
: looking toe over for a minute, and be
crawl uudor the ropes and geta out
Than they got in another chap, but
be bad only drawn one glove on whim
be look over at me and aeea me read
ing the evening paper aa I alta croak
better than any other tramp, but I legged In my corner, and a panic take
tmaomswbat conservative by nature, blm, and bo call out:
It la only when I am collared by the; "Not nuy for Juel I knowa a tidal
police that I look haughty and fall , wave wheu I area it, and I don't
back upon my Knickerbocker ancestry hanker after1 six mouth In the hoepl-
nd my bluo blood, and If I get thirty , tail"
la tba cooler I take It out In a dlgnl- j Then the catoah young man who bod I
Bed faahlon Instead ; of making a picked me tip offer f&), $30 ahd a
aqueaL t I high aa f0 to anybody to atund before
I waa banging about Philadelphia a mo for three round, but the fullow
few weeks ago to study tho graft aye-. abook their beads and said they would i
tern and uiako more or hwa a aucceaa wait for something easy. It was the I
of my 0. 0. D. invention when one ' eyeglaiwc, you ee a regular Ice cold
evening aa I waa (trolling about I Muff and they awallowed It down and i
, meeta up with a catoah young man. I had goose flwili all over 'em.
could tell that bo belonged to the 1 "Itelng this crowd' dou't see in to
Our Facilities are tie best and we
can promptly execute all
orders.
swagger not while he was yet a block 1
; sway. He had the proper air and bis
bat on the Iwck of hla hoad. I atied
; him up for a young man with a rich
papa, a doting mother and a mouth
for quail on toaMt and dry champagne.
; In doing biiBlues with the public I
bavs a little atory to relate. Tboatory
Is accompanied by a proper air of
nope lout forever, and It Includes tblr-
want auythnig in particular of my
CoiihIu Bum," aaya young cntosb aftor
awhllo, "and being my CouhIii Sam has
throe or four Important engagements
on hand, I will withdraw him till some
of you tlilnk you can box a bit"
And as I was resuming my opparvl
he slip ne tho ten other plunka and '
pats uie on the back and says:
"D. G. (dllapldutcd gentleman), If I
J. S;
llllmaip Go,
U5
ASTORIA, OREGON
teen separate and distinct misfortune ' wasn't my papa' favorite son and my
innmma'a Joy I'd bitch up with you,
; and we'd travel together and bluff the
whole United States and have barrels
of fun. A It is, I'm stuck here and
bave got to piny the blue blooded game
out Take your sugar and go forth
with my blessing hitched behind you,
and may you find straw stacks at ev
ery crossroad and turnips at every
mile." M. QDAD,
, A Oraoafut Withdrawal.
"Do you know who that old gentle
man la talking to our hostess?" asked
Mrs. Blunderer of the lady sitting be
side ber.
"That" answered the lady coldly, "Is
my son."
"Qhl" gasped Mrs. Blunderer In con
fusion, "he's a good deal older than
you are, la be not?"-LIpplncott's,
Ptrhsu Freeze Out
"Did you see where some railroads
are planning a refrigerator combina
tion?"
i "That will tiieitn a cold deal for
somebody."-Bnltlinore American.
and a chunk of human ingratitude aa
tig aa a bouse. A very few person
bear tha atory and swear. Tho great
majority either preserve a respectful
silence and tender me a nickel at Its
conclusion or weep copiously and ten
der me advice about rotting too near
tha case of the Benirai Hirer when vis-
ting the coo. I inliiht not have tackled
the catosb young man but for bis pcr
- furbed look.. I saw that there bad been
n epoch of soiuo sort In bis rosy life,
and I struck an attitude and began
chapter 1 of my aerial. I hadn't got
off ten linos whou be Interrupted with:
I "Stow It, cully. .Where were you
born?" . .,.;.,..,;
, ?orn In th tap of Luxury.
"In tbs lop of luxury," says I, "but
at the early ago of ten a trust aqueexod
my old man out of bis tannery and
threw me on a cold world."
"Wbere'a your palace cart" ,
. "Switched off and left behind." I
"And your valet?", .. !
"Dropped dead the other day of heart
disease when I handed him a quarter,
nd I'm afraid I can't fill his place."
"I should say your allowance wasn't
over $500,8 mouth," be goes on as he
looks at the patches on my knees.
"It's a trifle undor tbat Just at pres.
nt," aays I, "but I'm standing In with
contractor to steal the curbstones on
ten different atroota,.. and I may be
able to buy a third auto a month
hence." '7,W-t,"--f
"Look here, cully," says the catosh
young man as he drops his banter and
grows serious and breathes champugno
all over the block, "I think I know a
dilapidated gentleman when I see one."
"D. G. (dilapidated gentleman) hits
me to a dot-some dilapidation, soma
gentleman. - The two make a fair com
bine. Go ahead." i
"And you've got bleeps?" '
"Feel and see. Beaching out for
nickels, for the lust fifteen years baa
given me the muscles of a Sandow.
Beaching Is the best thing in the world
for shoulder exorcise, even If yon don't
-And belng a dilapidated gentleman L,;r",T' S S. nlJ
ith m. h y mile, please, or you'll fog the plate.
trnt no your dukear. , -Tatler. V .y- ; .
In reply I put 'em up and tapped Mm
one, two, three, lightly on. the chin,
but at the same time kept an eye on
a policeman across the street '
"Uowtlful,", says the catosh young
man ns I drops my bands. "I belong utt Is also to bs deprived of the
w o. e. b. swagger. wwi soy ciuo lll(.nsllre of pRyln the po,-,,,..
down hero, and a galoot with a lisp In tf r '
A Paraphrase,
'So you hnvo become converted t
prohibition
"No," answered Colonel SUlweU of
Kentucky. "I am not exactly a orohlbl
tlonlst but I am a firm believer In th
theory that a soft drink turneth away
neauacnes." Washington Star.
Not Slana Either.
"What do you think of a man who
keeps his money In an old stocking?"
I should say he bad selected a
darned poor bank."-Plttsburg Post
j U fsJ 3 j ' ''j
,
oxnaxia
I .. : :-r -rs 1
' V Sad'or'th Plate.
Coughs.Golds;
CROUP,
Thb remedy eaa abvavs be itttwlti ddab and
li pleaunt to take. , It contains no opium or
other harmful druj and may be gives at cea8
dcnflv to I baby as to an adult
trice cents, large size SO cents.
Mi
j . ...
?
J
SI
Banker 'WaJsli, happily, has not the
alterant of paying a flnejl it 1 the
cell for him. 1 - . . -
to ;a,sspices; :l &
J MIOriOfijWilil!.
. aI ft,!?frm e fvn
Eh
m Listed For t
TIMBER LANDS,
FARMS,
CITY LOTS,
HOUSES,
AND ALL
KINDS OF
.fe,r.f'.V,.V
,,,r i,;.,
172 TENTH STREET.
o)nn
ASTORIA, OREGON
mm mm :n ioito
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E J
THE ORIGINAL
LAXATIVE '
HONEY and TAH
Cures Coughs. Colds. Crouo. La G
L J and Lung Troubles. Prevents Pneumonia and Cnnsnrrmtinn Yfi.rnw biz-vk