Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The morning Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1899-1930 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 7, 1905)
'6 THE MORNING ASTORIA N. ASTOhIA, GREGO?, MONDAY, AUGUST 7, 1)03. Pilorim Joe ' Plods Mono Hii Pain ADeia!or Gets. Him Into Ptrilous Situation at Red Hcm Tavern. , , ' Y," k ..1 ! HAD sold forty -tight bottle of. I I my Pilm-lm Pain Alleviator I on the public square of the I town of Yuba Iain and re-1 tired to nsy virtuous couch in Uie Ited ! Floss tavern to sleep and dream that j .1... l.A.t ...y ...linn ell . , .. , . , , , had turned to goodness, when I was aroused by the door of my room beln' kicked lu by stalwart and Indignant men. I beg the reader's pardon txt leavlu' biin hung up in the air for a moment at xbxi FisTESED i bope ABorsp vt NECK uav6 utR mi uu itj uuw. this thrillln Juncture, while I remark that my Alleviator has now been be-1 " s lore the discrlmlnatin' public for the j claimed to have been a preacher In test thirteen years, and doorin' all that Missouri before he stole 'a cow and had time it hag never once failed to do ; to dee to the wild, wild west, and they what was expected of it It soothes ; hauled me off nsy wagon while he said the weary, calms the nervous, brings the marriage ceremony. Then they ew hopes to the hopeless, and any ! threatened me with dire pains and pen sort o' pain, from a headache to . alties if I ran away, raised their hats broken bones, is alleviated almost fn- to the late wldder, and a mlnit later stantly. No other remedy ever compounded kin take Its place. I have seen a grievln' widder woman grievin' away as if her heart would break, and sayin that she might as well commit suicide, take one dose of my Alleviator and then begin to laugh and sing coon songs. If I should set out to tell the half of what this wonderful compound has done it would require ten times the space of this paper. 1 have heard people say a thousand times over that it was well wntii a dollar a bottle, but my price Is Invari ably 25 cents. Where a grievin' wid 4er woman and her nine fatherless children appear before me in a body and want ten bottles ail to once, I make a discount of 10 per cent In eases where I find ministers of the gos pel preacnln' on Sundays and diggin' post holes for 15 cents a hole doorin' the week I also make a slight dis- eoont but to all others the price bvas stated. No pills go with the Allevi ator. It stands out by Itself, like a wart on a politician's nose. Havin' Biade slch explanashun as I deemed to fee due the public I will now return to my perilous gituashun In the Red Hoss taverfl. .No sooner had the stalwart and In dignant citizens before mentioned bust ed open my door than I gently Inquir ed what was wrong. In reply they or dered me to git out of bed and foller them. On the same public square where I had achieved victory two hours before was now a crowd bowlin' for my life, while tar and feathers had been collected for my benefit I soon fitacovered the cause of the com mo th un. A cross eyed citizen who bad Bought a bottle of my Alleviator for the earache had driven the pain down into his stomach. In order to drive It tack again he bad absorbed a gallon of sour buttermilk and was then lyln' on the ground with the pangs of de spair gnawin' at his vitals. He had claimed that my Alleviator bad pi rened him, and the liberal hearted crowd had taken bis word for it and t out to mob me. My presence of mind did not desert ie. Even with the tar warmln up to the right pint, and a woman standln' fty with two pillars ofT her parlor bed, I held up my hand and made an ad dress to the crowd. I contended with nich sincerity that the sufTerin critter Jiud been mixin' sunthln' else with my frri1v t!mf lie filifllfv l.rrtlfA Arixrn aud confessed the truth. I then or dered him rolled on a bar!, stood on ais head and given a few kicks, and when he had come to the right frame of mind I administered a dose with my own hand, and in live minlts he whs smilln like a babe. Public opinion changed at once. I wag hailed as a public benefactor and a hero, and upon reoftenln' business I made a sale of thirty-four more bottles aud was serenaded by a string band. When I left the town the next mornin' the mayor hisself took off his hat to me and gave me an official lnvltashun to call agin. I cite this case to show fjat a good man, backed by a good pain alleviator, kin alius depend on rrovidenee to bring blm through all difficulties. I bad driven abut five miles-next forenoon when I beheld half a dozen citizens pproacbln rae on hossbnek. At first I took iLeni to be citizens of ! tt;e ttArn of Lnt Call, who had nenra of the wonderful snot h In effects of my Alleviator and hid raced out to be the first to buy. but in a tootle time I was undeceived. Aa they came up iitid halted and formed a ring arouud ttie the leSdof asked: "Hain't your cognomen Tilgrttn Joe?' ' The same, tunnk ye," I replied. "Are you r. single man?" "Keasouatily single. That la, I've pit an old. woman back In Indhtny w hom I haven't seen nor heard of for 1 vii .1 v 11 1 ai v 1 v t ii 4 e ii turn up, however." . "S1r don't count," says the wan. "I'.iok yere two miles Is a grievin' wUlder. She's been a wldder for three year, and la (rrlevlu' because idle can't eaten a man. Her case has appealed ta ,.,,..,.,,.. ' ' ,, our sympathies and tochod our heart. j I ay by day we have sawn her droopln' j and plain' tor a partner, but he has I came not." j "It's a ease where my AJlevlator will j sit lu Its work," I said. "After takln ' one bottle, she'll kick up her heels like a spring colt, auilvafter taklu two she'll j set out and travel till she tlnda a i proper man. I've never knowed'lt to i fail." I "Aud It wou't fall this time, 'cause ! why? Vans we are Rvilu' to take yon j along with us aud give the wldder a i husband." j "Rut how kin I marry her?" ! "Easy as pie, and it's got to be done. Come on."- I would have resisted with carnal force, but they was too many for uie. In half an hour we reached the wld tier's, and she come to the door" and looked me over. Will he doV asked the leader of the mob. "I reckon he'll have to, as there hain't nothin' better in sight Old man, dost sigh for a birdie?" "Xot a durned sigh! Wldder woman, I want to tell you that I've got an old wife In Indiany." "But that don't bluff me. Sigr that tou love tue as you have never loved before " 1 refused to do so, and what did that crowd of critters do? One of "em galloped away and left us cooiu ob the doorstep. They had fastened a rope arouud my neck and given her the end to hold. "Joey, dear," she says when they had departed, "why this coldness of de meanor to'rds your birdie?" "Git out!" 'I says. "Does that mean that thou dost not love to dwell with me?" m dost" "Dost It mean that thou wilt not sit here with me wbeu the sun goea down and the gloamin' comes aud recite poetry in my ear and tell me tales of love and romance?" "I'll never even squeeze your hand." "Say not so, my Joey. I would that I could be cast on some fair Isle with thee, there to dwell forever and for ever. When the daylight faded softly Into night; when the stars came forth to tell their love; when the great white moon looked down upon us as we whis pered our tales of love" "Forget ltr I yelled. "Forget It? Never! Not on your life! Joey, my frolicsome darling my pet lambkin" And then I broke away and ran for the wagon. She made a grab for me and missed, and with one tremendous bound I reached the seat and put the gad on the old boss and liberty was mine agin. The wldder . woman who bad lost her Joey followed me for a mile, sometimes sjainln' and sometimes login', but eventually my lucky angel, lacked by my wonderful Pilgrim Pain Alleviator, triumphed over ail things, and she gave up in despair and turned her face homeward. Alius shake the bottle before nsin'. M. QUAD. A Good Tip. Tout I have a good tip for the last race. Goodthlng-Wbatlait? Tout Play Smoke for all yon got It's going to blow in. New York Times. Helping Him Oat. Mr. Stutter A a-a-a-h, .b-b-b-b-but I c-c-c-c-c-c-c-couhl d-l-d-d-d-do Listener (encouragiogly) Hurry tip, my dear fellow. I know the alphabet Studied. Tom Now, that your engagement ia broken, are you going to make Clarissa send back your letters? George-You bet I ami I worked bard on those letters. They're worth using again. Detroit Free I'm. ! You May Want II A furnished hou, rooms or store, x Make, your wants known to the readers of this paper. If you want i tenant to? a House, some avauer J may e t!ie de-dred party. untamed oy Advertising in the Ivertising In the of tha Morning i .Want Columns Astorian. a DAILY 7,000 READERS a SITUATION WANTED. WANTKD-Sitofttion by young man a clerk or work of any kind i bct of; roforcnoea. H 1, Astorian. HELP WANTED. men lor UnTtcTl WANTED AbhUoUied States navy; age 17 to 35 years; pay tilt to $70. Apply at room 11, Pythian building. UlRS TMLK-tnurilY AND R. R Accounting. &0 to $0 a month ul rv assured our eraduate. under bond. Our six schools the largest in America ami endorsed by all Ruilroadv Write for catalogue. &R.SE SCHOOL OF TELEGRAPHY, Cincinnati, O., Buffalo,1 X. Y., Atlanta, C.., La Cw.se, VU., Tex- arkamt, Tex., San Franci-eo, Cat. ROY WAXTED-TO DELIVER TUB. ! Morning Astorian. Must be reliable.' Age about 14. Apply to Mr. Mother, Astorian Office. GilJT, WAXTEp FOR GENERAL houworK anil to ait with cook ing. lo per niontn. j. r. i.uiiion, ai- lerbrook, care of Tongue Point Lum ber Co. WANTEDTEA & COFFEE AGENTS : A hiintlin, capable man of large ac-j quaintanee to work up a wagon route, . in city or country, for established firm; largnt retailers in t"nitl State ; splendid inducements offered to the trade; no graft; good pay to right party. Address, stating experience and refer ences, urand Lmon lea Company, Se attle, Wash. ROOMS FOR RENT. HOUSEKEEPING liWMS FOR RENT. liKjuire' J. B. Brown, at Ro, Higgins 4 Co. FOR RENT-THREE FURNISHED rooms for housekeeping. Enquire 472 Commercial Street. FOUND GILL NET, NEAR FORT Canny, yellow buoy marked "K K"; lieenM numlier, W.1117. C. D. Stewart, Fort Canhy Life Saving Station. CALL FOR BIDS. Notice i. hereby given that bids for painting ttf(J 8Ively wlaiol building will be received at the oflh-e of the school clerk until 10 o'clock a. m., Au gust 7, 1905. Painting to consist of two coats white paint, and the successful bidder will be expected to guarantee hi work for a period of five year. The right to reject any and all bid is here-' by reserved. By order of the board. E. Z. FERGUSON, Clerk. SEALED PROPOSALS WILL BE' RE ceived at the office of the Liglit-Houe Engineer, Portland, Or., until 12 o'clock, M., Augunt 2!l, l!Mi"), and then opened, for repairs to whurf ut Light HoiiKe Depot, Antoria, Orf-g., in accord ance with specification)', copi.- of which, with blank proposals and other informa tion, may lie had upon application to Major W. C. Iangfitt, Coqiit of Engin eers, I. S. A., Engineer. . r NOTICE FOR. BIDS. Pealed bids for the erection of flats will be received at the office of Architect ' s. n. ickh, wnere pianH ana (-pecillca tions may lie seen. AH bid to 1 in on or before the l.",th of Aujpmt, 1!K5. Right to reject any or all bids. BLACKSMITHS. ANDREW - ASP, Blacksmith. Having installed a Rubber Tiring Machine of the latest pattern I am prepared to do all kindr of work at reasonable prices. 12th and Duen Sts. 1 jj Situations Wanted Advertisements Twice Without Charge. TYPEWRITERS. lU.ICKKNSMIKKER TYPKWill TKItS supplies, repairing.' Ko it Ross, Stifl Stark street, Portland. HOUSES WANTED. , - WANTED SEVEN-ROOM FURNISH j ed houe, centrally located. Elaine ; Phillips, Astorian. . DRESSMAKERS. DUKSSMAKKK, K.U'r RIKNt Kl, Will ww by the day. Phoiw Wluck 2113. t)-lt TO RENT HOUSES.. ltK KEXT-7 I!0M tlufSK. WKsT of ro!J Kni!n at thi offl.-e. FOR SALE MISCELLANEOUS. FOU SALE AT A HAK'iAl.V, II'liNI ture of a very (Usirable rooming houe (M PW""t ruouiers. 'AaMrw R. it., t.t'iurul delivery, lity. ,NCClUT0R R)R gAL&m EC,0S . CSncltv: i!o thre 100 canaelt brooders; first-class condition, dreaa A, Astorian Office. Ad- R SALE SECOND-HAND 7 COL-j umn newspaper outfit; complete cept pr-ss; cheap. Inquire at this of flee. - 8$A )nI) o!Ij0 HIGH COUNTER, long). Apply at Aitor- PROFESSIONAL CARDS. PHYSICIANS. JAY TUTTLE, M. D. PUYSIC1AX AND fL'KQEON A-tin( A.uitnrsiirgwia t D.8. Miii.eI!os(lUl'rrTlr. OtBee hours: 10 to U a.m. 1 to 4:0 p.m 477 Commercial Street. 2nd Floor. OSTE0PATHISTS. In ; Dr. Bliodu 0. Illrk". Ir. t. B' Snyder' OSTEOPATHS. Office Mansell Bid. Fheiie Black 205 573 Commercial St.. Astoria. Ore. DENTISTS. DR;T. L. BALL, DENTIST. 524 Commercial Bt Astoria, Oreeon. Dr. VAt'GHAN, , Dentist Pytbian Building, Astoria, Oregon. Dr. V. C. LOGAN DENTIST 678 Commercial bt-, Bbanaban Building I .mi . i in ..mini BUSINESS DIRECTORY FURNITURE. ROBINSON ft HILDEBRAND Goodman Bldg. 688 Commercial St FURNITURE, Carpets, Stoves, Matting, Window LINOLEUM, Eto. dedding, Shades, BILLIARD HALLS. Occident Hotel Bar & Billiard Hall. Tables New and Everything First Class. Fine.it brands of Liquors anil Cigai s MEAT MARKETS. VUVClVt AWT) CURED MEATfl -Wliokmaleand KeUII- . 8hipa, Logging Camps and Mills Sup plied on Short Notice. Live 8tock Bought and Sold. WASH INdTotf MARKET CHRISTEN8EN A CO. Central Meat Market G- W. Morton e Jno. Fuhrman, Prop'i. CHOICEST FRESH AND SALT MEATS-PROMPT DELFVERT. 642 Commercial St. Phone, Main 321 Inserted LAUNDRIES. The Troy Laundry The only whits) labor laundry In tht - 'oily. Does the best work at reasonable Prl I i vry way werth of your patronage. t 10th and DUANE tit., Phone 1991. BROKERAGE. a JTRENUHARD Real Estate, Insurance, Cemmlaslei and Shipping. CUSTOM HOUSE BROKER. Offioo 133 Ninth Strut, Next te Juitie Office. ASTORIA, OREGON. PUBLIC STENOGRAPHER. Clara D. Simpson, PUBLIC STENOGRAPHER. Room 2, Over Star Theater. MILK DEALERS. The Baby-Needs Pure Milk, t The patient requires it too; The law demands pure fuoJ, , Then, why nt you? We Handle only Pure Mlk fresh from Healthy Cows. Morning or night dalivery. THE SLOOP-JEFFERS CO, 10th and Dunne street. WOOD YAROS. WOOD! WOOD! WCOD Cord wood, mill weed, boa weorf, any kind of wood at lowest arli.ee. Kelly! the transfer man. ''Phone 2211 Blacki Barn on Twelfth, ooposiU opers heuea. RESTAURANTS. FlUST-CLAsS MEAL for 15c; nice cake, coffee, pie, or doughnuts, 5c, at U. S. Kestaur nt. 434 Dond St " BEST 15 CENT MEAL. You can always find the lest 15-cent meal in the city at the Rising Sun Ilestmirnnt. P)12 Commerrial St PHOTOGRAPHERS, A. A, SAARI, PHOTOGRAPHER. First-Class Work Guaranteed. Order taken for enlarging 212 Fourteenth street, opposite Foard A SUikes Co., Atoria, Orpgon. HAMMOND DIRECTORY SALOONS HAMMOND. THE LIBERTY SALOON , HAMMOND, OREGON. Under New Management. The Beit" place ia the City to Spend a pleasant tour. FRED BRENDELL, Prop. Pacific and Henrietta Sts.,' Hammond. The Hammond. Teople do not take time to knock When at the end of the walk. The man on the bank of the river, Fine liquor and cljnus will deliver To you by the lijfht of aim or moon, If you call nt the Hammond Saloon. W. 8TOR.f, Trop. MARTIN'S PALACE You will mls it if you don't see Mar tin. All Knights of the Head, ami other Knightu, will be royally entertained here. MARTIN McLAUpHLIN, Prop. Hammond, Oregon. TUB STAR SALOON Wines, Liquors and Cigars. You can spend a pleasant .hour here. Pool room in connection. CHAS. McDERHOTT, Prop. Hammond. Oregon, SEASIDE DIRECTORY; HOTELS. PACIFIC COTTAGE Shell road, hear the beach, ltootnt with borl.f ' lteoiiable 'ric0.' Jce cresitt parlor' and refreshments of all kinds. Short order. Coirer, eka, ete. , ' V MltS. NOUH WILLIAMS S s I Prop.' THE OSIER CAFE v. AND :. . V Short Order House' Oyiten, Clara saod Cubs la tny Style, Home cooking, nothing but the lxt of everything. tmt order or regutur im-at at rraomibla piirs. MRS. C. C. OSIKR, Prop, $i'lilc, PrrpntC COLONIAL HOTEL (.orated in the irnut Imutiful pot, ovi-r. I-Hklti(( the O.VIHI. Mnety flegmitly J furnUhei room. Bath House in Connection. Coin fort of home. l!..t u,rH, Rate, U ami up. McGUIRE'iS HOTEL Urge and Airy RiMins. (loo,! beds. Everything jk.t-clut.. lute Reasonable Main Strwt, Scalde, Ore. BARBER SHOP. NEW CITY BARBER SHOP Two t'p to-data barber Shavli:g, 13c. Main street, next aaanHMHw Hair cutting, 2J dor te City Rakcry. RESTAURANTS. LOUIS OYSTER HOUSE CRACKED CRABS, OYSTERS. Clam Chowder a specialty. Served y hour of the day. At the end of the bridge. St"lit , Oreioo. Try u, We wilt 'pice you. THE HEMLOCK CAFE AND OYSTER PARLOR. I (f'ttiiii? to be the leading resort at Sea.ide. Miort orders a Sprclalty. MIS. II. A. 8TILKS, Piopiletwr. - TRY OUR 35c DINNERS. Tastes like mother ucd to cook. The Arlington Resttarant JelT Block, at the lii,le, Seaside. tte. LIVERY AND EXPRESS. Livery Stable Livery, Sale and Feed Stable, Saddle Horses, First-Clais Ries, Hannm and Express, Wood fr sale and general de livery, W. D, B41N k CO., Seaside, Ore. WINES AND LIQUORS. THE BRIDGE Harry Kretzer and Harry Ituher Are now running The Bridge Saloon, where they will be pleased to meet tlmir friend. THE OEM While at the Beach top at The Gem.' Pure Lbjuors, Cool Beer, HMie.t Grade Ciijars, a Specialty. , THE OCEAN The most popular saloon AT SEASIDE. Billiard and Pool Hull in connection. B. J. CALLAHAX, Prop , EAGLE SALOON Clmlee Wines, Liquors and Ciwrs. Fincnt place in Seaside to past a pleas ant hour. , ' FRANK 8COTT, Prop. CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP. H. V, Thompson, conducting the place known as the Pacifle Creamery Co., at Seaside, has turned the buHlnexs over to George Stall. Mr.' Stall has assumed all responsibilities of the firm. - , HOTELS. HOTEL PORTLAND PORTLAND, ORE. Finest Hotsl In the Northwest, j