The Eugene City guard., January 20, 1900, Image 3

BboyTgoodbye. I 80 the
ft..ntr tho I
J(H'W0
if' 1 1 primer MM slste.
s1 fell I 0,",,f
., it laI,u
f H' .1 fenr. on the sly.
aC1 ki"J Tok-e th,t wblHiKml
boyhood-bye."
1 La ft mntn
cr5i 11 ",'ll,,"",,';r,:
l"JL u form to my youthful
,25wl V foolW rears,
"uyed my feet on many n
tok ... . ..
' in tims 1 wollM im"e aml
., id
"" . .
Lt9m u.
,t,,r of mine In the bnttlc of life.
1 tartiug "I" I""'1"
rrt ,011 will make, for eneb of us
Ik. krotber. Just bonesuy try
0M Vur bt',t In UBtever
l hne! cood-llVC."
ID J UVM ---.-
; Lassoing a Burglar.
ornr: was really no one at the
f Collingsworth!) who approved of
...flimiD th.i tn.lna
4 Toll) nnrit n-,, iuv ihnmi
y were not at all responsible
t Juit like her 'online nhe'n Tony."
jlfouldsay. emphatically, when eor-
(or a logical rennon. "And she
Indian stories, nml knows about
fcbind hups anil snakes and things,
gi ,a'l uy, 'BOH away, children,'
. ... I. rt.. nmiiliulff rlinl'u
y rsimiip mo- " "wiiw
Ml op,
the way Marlon does.'
mil ihe Isn't afraid of anything-
.tcnuiauimu," Hoy would add. sol
H vm nearly two months alnoe Tony
tad tome from far-otT Vi yoming to
. I 1B f M
pitpher home wuu uvi iwvava tuuiyt
jjttllenrlette had disapproved of her
ftom the first morning when she en
the dnluty reception room nnd
od there proudly, a tall, tanned nnd
"TONY IIKRITATKD."
btslthj jouug person, with frank eyes
and rough curly hair, which positively
it-fined to stay In place under her red
Tim O'Shanter. And then there was
Rattles, aud 011 this point words failed
lira, Collingsworth. Rattles wus very
targe, long of limb and lean, nnd Im
tneJIately appropriated the twin's play
room as his happy hunting ground.
"Klnest hound In the whole State,
Tncle Otis," Tony said, enthusiastic
ally. "Why, last year when the gray
tolrea came down nnd carried off some
of the sheep papa and I started out with
ml; Battles and his brother. Hoodoo,
and we tracked them clear up the vnl
ley. you know, where the shoulder of
the Big Horn comes around In a sort
of curl, and Hattles found them. Hoo
doo was killed, but I've got the pelts
on my wall home at the ranch three
of them-and when papa died he told
me to bring Rattles on to Chicago with
me. You don't care, do you?"
Mr. Collingsworth looked up at the
italwart young figure standing on the
hearth with the great hound crouched
t her feet, and ns he listened to her a
1'reith of the old free life enme bock
kill again and he hnlf wished he had
yed, like Dave, Tony's father, on
the home ranch. But he caught Aunt
Henriettas eyes and remembered with
sign that he was In Chicago and pres
ent of a bank and with Wyoming
fartaer away from him than mere
ft. But he liked the dog and the
'Im adored It, so Rattles remained
itb Tony and shared her trials and
troublei In the new life.
"What makes you have funny
Mtneii" Tad had asked bluntly, the
tm time he nnd Roy found themselves
Hong with their new cousin. "Tony's
boy'a name, and Rattles Isn't auy
kind of a name."
"Well, his whole nnme's Rattlesnake
Rl"le, and he's named after one of
!' cowboys the one who taught
how to throw a lariat, but it was
J long to yell good, you know, so I
' cut It down to Rattles. And my
Mfe la Marie Antoinette, but papa
"Id I might get off on the hills or In
front of tin. cattle and get killed before
w could remember It all. so he called
me Tony."
"Oh." B.i 1,1 Tnd. reflectively, and then
'dded, afUT n pause: "You're an aw
2 funny girl, but I guess we'll like
l0- Mamma won't nnd Marlon won't,
id papa's afraid of mamma, so even
he does he won't dare to show It
"""h. but Roy and I'll llke-you, nnd If
on get lonesome come on down here
10 our den and we'll tnkc care of you."
Before the two months were up Tony
nd discovered how true a prophet Tad
and the little cosy room back of
. ' Rortry became her place of refuge
"many a time of need, although Rnt
banished from It to the back
'fd win-never Aunt Henriettas nerves
tton iD a lartlcularly Irritable condl-
"And she says we mustn't throw the
""at In the house." Roy said, ruefully.
"n 'lay when he and Tad had been
WBg a high old time with Tony's
Hy" an(1 M(lllle and Indian trophies,
"d It had ended In Shakespeare being
oed ami yanked unceremoniously
fnm his pedestal In the library and
wo at the end of the lariat by a
hooping brave until a plaintive voice
r from the regions above calling
"Antoinette."
Tone" Vm Innnnil t. n
. I ' , (lf H 11,1
hung on a M-g In the den. ami Tony
tiled to Im- dignlflfd and graceful llkn
Marion, and not i-iimIi m, nl(. ai,iir. iu
Btep at a time, or wliUtle, or tell the
twins MttoaNcOfailBg narratives that
savored of th Irentofei of Rattle-
snake Kill ami his kind. Rut still she
felt that she was far frujn Im-Iiir a ai
factory Mprofentatffa of the CoUIngt
worths in lier aunt's eyes, and many I
time, after every one had retired ami
the house was still, a white robed girl
would steal softly dowu the broad stair
ease and Into the den to have a qolet
cry nil by herself, with Hattles' head
on lo r lap as be watched her with his
deep-set. solemn eyes.
It was on one of these nights that
the great event happi d which
changed the whole nsp-et of things, so
far ss Tony was concerned. She had
been In Allgnce that day. There had
been a swell function of some kind, nml
thi twins had been summarily called
from the den to appear before a select
company. Rut Instead of two pretty
llgures In black velvet and point lace
there had come forth two full fledged
Indian braves In feathers and war
paint, bubbling over with laughter aud
all reedy for a powwow.
Of course, Tony was blamed, nnd she
would not have cared If only a dismal
wall of woe from the nursery had not
told her that others shared her punish
ment, so It wns a great relief that night
to steal down to the den to have the
usual cry, with Rattles as chief con
soler. The hour wns very late. Tony heard
the clock In the library chime l'J and
then half-past, and Rnttles mured un
easily once or twice, his head raised In
the air as If he scented danger, but the
girl was too tired and hearlsore to no
tice him, nnd at Inst, with a parting
pat on Rattles' nose, Tony left the den
and started through the long, dark cor
ridor toward the stairs, when, all nt
once, she noticed that the door of ber
uncle's private room nnd study was
ajar nnd saw a faint, wavering glim
mer of light shlno through the aper
ture. Alert and soft-footed as one of her
own Wyoming wildcats, she tiptoed
across the hall nnd looked In. A broad
mahogany desk stood In the center of
the room, nnd Just beyond this wns a
small safe, a light steel one. In which
Mr. Collingsworth kept his papers aud
all articles of value. On the desk was
n carefully wrapped bundle suggestive
of silverware nnd other things portable
ns well as valuable, and kneeling on the
floor In front of the snfe, with his back
to the door, was a ninn working stead
ily at the combination lock.
Tony hesitated nn Instant, her first
Impulse being to run upstairs and tell
her uncle. The burglar nlnrin wns nt
the front door and another nt the drawing-room
windows opening on the ve
randa, nnd she thought that while she
was trying to reach them her presence
might lie discovered and there would
be trouble. And, besides, she suddenly
remembered Aunt Henrietta! nervous
condition. She would have hysterics
or something Just ns drendful If she
hcHrd n commotion downstairs. Tony
decided, nnd with a new Idea In her
head she turned and went back to the
den. . ,
Rattles was settled on the rug. and
with n long yawn stretched himself
when he saw the familiar figure; but
she did not rouse him. Taking the
lariat from Its peg. she withdrew on
tiptoe, leaving the door unlatched.
There wns n little smile on her lips as
she stood ngnln outside the study door,
this time with Rattles crouching by
her side nnd with the long rope colled
1 Rattlesnake Rlllle's favorite style In
her left hand. After all. It was such
a Joke for her to be using It here In
Chicago, just as It might have teen
thrown about the throat of any hair
breed or criminal off on the plains, aud
she wished In that moment of hesitancy
that her father were there to sec her
throw Then noiselessly she moved the
door open, and her heart beat faster
as the dark head raised a bit higher
over by the safe. The next moment
there was a swift swish as the long,
curling rope cut the air with true, sure
aim- then the quick, tightening Jerk as
It drew taught about the man's neck,
tighter and tighter, for It wns not
Marlon's slim, soft hands that were
pulling on the other end. but a pair of
strong, Arm ones that had mnde sev
eral self-respecting bronchos come to
their senses before now.
Tony knew that tho burglnr had
struck the corner of the Wg desk when
the lnrlat Jerked him backward, nnd ns
the dog leaped forward with a growl,
she stepped Into the room to see how
matters stood. The burglar wns lylug
as he had fallen, his face darkening to
dull red. his eyes closed, nnd nil at once
a natural girlish fear swept over her.
and before she knew It she had slipped
out and shut the door, leaving Rattles
on guard.
A few seconds later Mr. Collings
worth was awakened by a soft tap on
his door.
"It's me; Tony," said a low voice that
shook a trifle. "I want to see you,
uncle."
"I'm awfully sorry to wake you up,
she went on when he had slipped on a
dressing gown and met her, bright-eyed
and pale. ."Rut I've caught a man
down there In the study-oh. It's all
right!" as he gave a quick exclamation
and turned back for a weapon. "I-I
lassoed him, you know, aud Rattles Is
watching him."
Mr. Collingsworth looked down an
Instant at the face upturned to him, and
his tone was unsteady as he aald,
quietly;
"Go to your room, dear. I'll ao tho
rest."
Hut, as the twins said when they
heard the whole story and had glorified
their heroine to their heart's content
the next day. there wasn't any rest to
do. The lariat had settled the whole
matter, nnd It wns a very limp, half
strangled burglar that the police re
in.. ved from the house after Rattles had
been relieved from bis vigilance. As
for Aunt Henrlette, she had po words
to express her admiration nnd wonder,
nnd the lariat was hung In a place of
honor over the great antlers In the li
brary and Tony was taken once and for
all time Into the bosom of the family.
Chicago Record.
woman's Idea of a mean husband
Is one who will move out of the neigh
borhood, after his wife has succeeded
In building up a milk trade among her
neighbors.
When two nations are at war even
Uie dlapatches confllcL
FOR BRIDE AND HONOR
ODD ROMANCE OF ARTHUR MA
SON, A PLUNGER,
Bccka In HrcklfM WalOllOO For
tun of jejgtVMO, thai 11, May GaW
eel l. 1,1 mid Murrjr ilia liirl ot
His Choice.
The queerest and most Interesting
atory that ever came out of the niael
stroin of speculation ll that of Arthur
Mas in. a Chicago
plunger, who Is
trying to make a
fortune of $'J.'si.
001) in order to
cancel a debt of
honor and marry
miss PORTIH,
AIlTllt'K MASOy.
the girl of his
choice. He went
but everai months
ago to gather In
this sum from the
New York Stock
Kxchsnge. Some
times luck was
with him and he succeeded lu m-cunio
lilting as much ns flSO.UOO; at other
times fortune was unfavorable and be
lost the bulk of his winnings. He Is
up nnd down by turns one week clear
ing from IMMMO to ITOiOOO, and the
next down, practically oil his uppers.
Rut he Is never discouraged, aud be
lieves ho will win In tho end.
Mason wants the quarter of a milt
Ion with which to repay the sum that
his friend. Horn re I.. Porter, lost In
peculation on his airVlce In San Kran
Cisco two years ago. Porter Is dead,
but he left a pretty sister. Miss Alva
Porter, to whom Mason lias been en
gaged for live years. He snys he
doesn't wish to many the girl so long
as the debt of honor Is unpaid, but at
the same time he feels that It Is unfair
to keep a girl of her age tied up with
a matrimonial contract the fullllltnetit
of which Is uncertain. So Mason has
set himself the task of securing the
money within the next six months.
Arthur Mason Is the son of Kilns Ma
son, the head of a large shipping bust
ness on the great lakes. The elder
Mason would gladly have his son Join
him In business, but the young man
has determined that, alone and unaid
ed, be will make his owu fortune.
Mason's ambition and romance are
the result of a five years' career as In
teresting as any young man had after
leaving college. While Mason was at
Princeton be met Horace I... Porter, a
quiet, mild-mannered youth of n rather
retiring disposition. Porter was of the
sort that Is susceptible to a man of
strong personality. So It wns thnt, de
spite the extreme difference In their
physical and mental compositions, a
strong attraction sprung up between
the two young men, which strengthen
ed ns time wore on.
Shortly after leaving college Mason
came to Chicago
and began to
speculate. Like
many another man
Who has tried the
si me game, he
lost, and lost
gain. His father
refused to give
him an additional
allowance. At the
very time of Ma
sou's financial dis
tress he received
nu invitation from
his former college chum, norace L.
Porter, to visit bin nt his home lu Ne
vndn. The Invitation came as a piece
of good .fortune to Mason, who Jumped
at this temporary abatement of his
troubles.
Lout Money nnd Then KnlUted.
It was there that Mason met sweet
faced Alvn Porter and won her "heart
nnd the promise of her hnnd. Too poor
to marry. Mason went to Snn l-'rnn-clsco
and began operating lu stocks,
and was soon Joined by his friend Hor
ace Porter, who brought plenty of cash
to do business with. As an evidence
of his sincerity In his friendship, I'or
ter suggested that his friend that they
go Into some business together. Porter
had the capital, and he was sure lie
son had the brains. The offer was a.
cepti-d, nnd under Mason's guidance
Porter began speculating on the Stock
Exchange.
In less than a year Porter's Inherit
ance of 0.000 had dwindled to
alKiut $10,000. Mason would not ask
his father for assistance nnd Porter re
fused to write to his mother for money,
and thus It wns that nt the outbreak of
the recent war with Spain Porter wns
working ns clerk In a Boston dry goods
store, while Mason earned a sort of
livelihood as a board marker In a Hos
ton bucket shop. When President Me
Klnley Issued his cnll for volunteer.
Arthur Mason and Horace Porter were
among the first to present themselves
for enrollment on the books of the
Ninth regiment of Massachusetts vol
unteers. Mason went from choice. Porter be
cause his friend enlisted. They went
to Cuba and underwent all the hanl
ahlps Into which that gallant hnnd of
heroes was driven. Mason, strong of
physique, withstood the awful ordeal,
but Porter, siways delicate in health,
quickly begnu to feel the effects of the
climate.
He became 111 and wns removed to
the hospital. Mason begged to be al
lowed to go with his friend and the
r,stiest was granted. Porter was un
able to resist the tropical fever, nnd In
a few days was dead. Mason cared for
porter as tenderly as a mother would
for a sh'k child, anil as he held the
fever stricken hand of his comrade
friend he mads I vow that In life his
only motive would te the redemption
of Porter's money lost in speculation,
and the re establishment of his own
previously good business character.
I'pon ills return from Cuba almost
the Hrst one to meet him nt MouUUk
Point wns his father. An affecting
icetfe followed, during which Mr. Mn
aon Implored his lsy to return home
and the past would nil be forgotten
and forgiven. The soldier's answer
was:
When I have made things right with
the mother of the dearest friend I had
on earth 1 will come to you. father, but
until then I must work as I neves
worked liefore."
for the past few months Mnson has
been living In New York City engaged
in the mad whirl of speculation, ami
Ue U now the mogtuaed ylunger
among the world of strong speculators
Whs) WOO chance fur a IITSIinooa on
three separate occasions hi winnings
lately have reached over $l.".SNi a day,
but lu hi sagenees to master forumes
at one isild stroke he has each ilBM
forfeited the greater part.
1 luring all this time Alva Porter has
written many letter. She urge him
to abandon his BOtMBBOSed tak and
marry her. She waits for him to say
the word, and yet he refuses til he ha
accomplished his purpose of necurlug
f'JoO.OUO.
A PHILADELPHIA CHURCH.
PrebeMy Ike Ortdool Place -f Worship
In the World
Philadelphia has the OddSSl place of
worship tn the world. It Is at 1.144
Somerset street, and Is the local branch
of the "Christian Catholic Church,"
otherwise the "Zionists." who heUeft
lu DtVlM healing. The church Is a
neat, new aud well-lighted apartment,
alwut lKxM feet lu site. The wall back
of the platform, which Is ued us a
pulpit. Is decorated III a unique man
ner. Flasks of Whisky, cigars, pipes,
bags of tobacco, mtCheS, plug of
chewing tobacco, trusses, vials of all
REV. JOIIJC At.EXANDKR IOWIR.
I, nds df medicine, corsets and many
other articles have places on the wall,
Interspersed with Scriptural passages.
Each of these articles is said to be the
symbol of a renunciation of the use of
liquor or medicine, or the material evi
dence of nn escape from some malady.
One understands their slgultlcance at
last when men and women who have
entirely given up the use of medicine
to rely solely on the healing power of
Christ, rise tn the audience and bear
tcvtlmony to marvelous cures of con
sumption, cancer and other serious dis
eases which were wrought solely
through the efllcacy of prayer after
physicians had abandoned all hope.
The Zionists eschew all swine's Uesh.
and the use of whisky and tobacco Is
alwolutely prohibited, aud the use of
medicines of all kluds la considered
blasphemous.
The Zionists were founded less than
four years ago by Rev. John Alexander
Do arts, a scholarly man, who was for
merly a Cougregatlouallst preacher,
aud was once a minister of education in
Australia. Their headquarters are at
Chicago. Iu their brief existence the
Zionists have grown to a membership
of over 25.000. They have a bank, a
college, land association and other bus!
ness Institutions. The members con
tribute one-tenth of their Income to the
church. All of these are under the ah
solute control of Rev. Dr. Dowle, who
Is called the general overseer, aim
whose powers extend even to the nam
lug of bis successor.
RAT, Mr. Howie poses as a prophet.
Recently, at Eton Tabernacle, Chicago,
the faith healer predicted that lu tweu-ty-fire
yenrs the world would bo ready
for the "coming of the Iird. thi
telephone, telegraph nnd other wonder
ful things," he said, "will make It se
easy to spread the Gospel-of Zlon thnf
lu a quarter of a century the world wll
bo prepared for the great day."
BIBLES OF THE YAQUIS.
Two tTfiliiie Volume Found nn the
Hod)' of u Kliflitlnii l'rlt.
Two of the most peculiar volumes
ever compiled lu the name of religion
have passed from Indian possession
Into the keeping of a San Francisco
man, Mr. I.uls Ilira. They were taken
from the dead body of a Vnqul Indian,
an Unordalned priest, or "maestro,"
who wns shot by Mexican regulars
during the Inst Insurrection of his tribe.
These sacred books reveal tin- relig
ions beliefs nml ceremonies of the
Yaqula, The maestro to whom they be
longed wns one of n band of Indian
tub ontroirixtoVi
mnrnuders thnt had been devastating
the country as they passed through It,
and committing nil kluds of bnrbnroiis
atrocities while on their way to Join tho
remainder of the tribe. The maestro
had apparently forgotten his priestly
calling.
The maestro was nn artist of consid
erable Imagination and a technique nil
his own, as his conception of Christ on
the cross, St. John. SL Gregory anil the
Deity show. Ill reallaatlon of the as
cension, the vl.-tory of the cross over
sin and doomsday Is pathetic In Its
crudity. A draped cloth over the cross
to represent the wrapping of the body
of Jesus In myrtle and olives before
laying Him In the sepulchre, according
to St. John xlx., 40, proves that the
maestro must have been a student. It
Is to be hoped that If he has reached
heaven the Archangel Michael, Gnbr'.el
nnd Raphael bare forgiven him fur hi
outlandish portraits of them.
Roth volumes nre put together wl l.
Infinite neatness and painstaking, are
written and printed with a pen, every
stroke of which evidences a labor of
love and reverence for the task. The
frontispieces. In red and black Ink, in
"fearfully and wonderfully made." Tie
cover of one Is of gaudy red callc,
lHund with black and red cotton akin
braid-
re 1 Rnperstltlon.
Dr. Samuel Johnson would never ei,-
el 11 Ioiiiii b it tool foremost, the brave
Marshal Sa. eieanie, In terror nt the
ig'it of a cat; Peter the Ureal was not
qual to crossing a bridge when he
nine to It nUMMM to do so WSS ahso-
uteiy nocooanrj i Byron shared with
lean famous people man be the dislike
jf baring Hut sail nt table spilled, be
twesn I1I111 and his uclgblior, say the
Rochester Post-Kinross, a sneeze i
with half the nations of the world
nothing to be Hiieced nt. To exclaim
'God Lies you!" when liny one sneezes
11 your presence Is 11 relic of what the
Roman did before lis and before him
the Greek. Mohammed gives direc
tion of the same kind to his followers
uid the Hindoo of today utters his
pious ejaculation 11 f ter the sneeze by
way of prayer or good wish on behalf
)f the victim.
Many people III avoid going under
t ladder If 'hey CU get around It. The
belief that If you put on your stocking
the wrong side out It Is lucky Is very
cuernl, or was until the schoolmaster
returned from abroad, and 1 myself
remember thai an old woman was con
rtneed thai taming her stocking inside
ut saved her from being lost when
the fairies, one pitch dark night, had
ulsled her on n trackless ltrltlsh moor.
What Is to take the place of a lucky
)OrOS sfioe when we all ride lu autonio
dies? There is no room for the imag
11:1th. 11 lu them. Some new mascot
nil have to be dlecorered. Charms of
MM kind or another are carried by poo
lie that have n pious contempt for hea
then superstitious: a -in .11 potato, for
tiamnle, to avert rheumatism, of n
heatnnt The latS Journalist. George
Augustus Siila, never traveled without
Sftrrylng with him, as a lucky card, nn
ice of spades. Somehow It failed to
tars him from creditors. Hut credit
rs are notoriously detlcb-nt In Imagi
nation, if Bbyloch had remembered
ibis when he drew up hi bond "T'io
Merchant of Venice" would uever have
been written.
The "Father of lUllways."
Who is the "Father of Hallways?
Rooks of reference give the distinction
to George Stephenson, and Ir. Smiles
has enshrined the claim In his "I.Ives
af the Engineers." An effort is now
belug made to secure recognition of
the claim of William James, n War
wickshire contemporary of Stephen
son. say the London Chronicle. It
appears that In 1700 When Georgi
Stephenson was a lad of IS William
lames was engaged lu laying out plans
for 1-nllromls. In 1803 he Journeyed
Into Lancashire for railway survey
purposes, nnd conceived the Idea of
establishing railroads between Liver
pool nod Mnncrcster, lllotou and other
towns, for the carriage of cotton mid
general goods.
Met ween 1810 nnd 1830 .Iiiines pro
jected n line called the Central Junc
tion Railroad, a portion of which, "be
tween Btratford-on-Aron and More
..ii In the Marsh, with n brauch line to
Sklpton, wns actually laid, lu 1831-
si;j Mr. James formed the first mil
way company In Lngliind, the Liver
pool nnd Manchester, nnd In the fum-
ily papers It Is alleged that Stephen-
ton, In surveying Its line, merely fol
lowed lu Ills footsteps. Sir Kdward
nil. in nnd other leading railway men
sre strongly Impressed by the claim of
the Warwickshire man to be the plo
Beer of the British railway system, ami
a committee hns been formed for the
purosc of getting his services recog
nizor It Is Intended to ask the uutlior
itles to allow a tablet to the memory
if .lames to be placed In Westminster
Abbey.
In Another 'hreter.
If clothes do not make the man, they
may be snlil. In a certain sense, to mnke
the dignitary. A railway train came to
Its destination In n large city. As the
passengers were filing slowly out of the
cars one of them, n lndy of somewhat
severe aspect, was observed to pause nt
the top of the steps.
"What do you mean, sir?" she snld,
Sharply, to n man Standing on the plat
form below.
"What do I mean?" he responded.
"To help you off. iiiudaiue, of course. '
"You nre nn entire stranger to me,
sir," she said. "I prefer to get off with
out your bsi (stance,"
"I am the conductor," he explnlned.
"I think not."
"Rut 1 am," he persisted. "This Is
the end of my run, und 1 hnve changed
my coat nnd hut."
"Then you are not the conductor, sir.
You are not In uniform, and are merely
n private citizen. Please stand aside."
"I don't know but you're right,
ma'am," he said, complying with her
mandate.
Perhaps she wns right, ns n mntter of
principle, although she might have
been a few degrees more civil ubout It
A Learned Verger.
Rugllsh cathedrals have an official
culled a verger, whose ordinary IiiikI
lies Is to take cure of the Inside of the
tdlflce, show It to visitors, nnd usslgn
eents to the worshippers.
It sometimes happens that the ver
ger, through long servlco about the
cathedral, becomes an Important func
tionary, eepedaUy In his own eyes, as
did the old verger nt SL Rldulph's, to
whom, according to a Loudon paper, u
new dean came.
"Who, my good friend," nsked the
denn, "takes the lead lu Sunday-school
matters here'"
"Well, I do, sir," wns tho reply
"You see, there nren't 110 other schol
nrds but me nnd Sir John In the pnrlsh.
I Inrn the children on Sun. lay ufter
noons."
"And whnt routine do you follow?"
"Oh, I fust rends 'em substracts
from tho Gospels, then I gives 'cm a
little cataplasm, nnd I generally winds
up with a few Interesting antidotes,
Just to keep 'em from getting too rest
less. Rut, of course, sir, 1 always telh
'cm lu bibulous language."
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
Nnbmsrlne Tallin lloat.
To enable truvelers to cross the chan
nel without suffering from sen slckuese
a (frenchmen has designed 11 submarine
boat to be propelled by cable miction,
the motive isiwer being electricity. The
boat will accommodate 24o passengers,
and perform the Journey In one hour.
should the cables become fixed in going
over thf drums thetioat can bedetached
so thnt It may rise to the surface and
continue the Journey like uu ordinary
vessel.
There Is an end to all things -except
one s desire for new thlugs.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
INGS HERE AND THERE.
JokOC und Jnki-teta lliat A re Supposed
to 11 ... . Hern Kei-entl; Bora s,jnn,
nd DelatS lbt Are Old, i ... Had
L,uuahbl The Week' tluutor.
He That Miss Slmklna Is awfully
by, Isn't she?
She Yes. I wonder If she gets It
from her mother?
lie No; from her father, I Imagine.
I understand he used to be a great
poker player.- Chicago News.
Ordained.
"There's no reason why a politician
should not be honest."
"No; It's Just one of those things 1
that happens, There Is no particular !
reason why grass shouldn't be black; '
but It's green. Just the same." PhlhV
delpbla North American,
At it Alain,
The Savage Bachelor I don't see
shy a man should get married when .1
good parrot can be bought for $'j.v
The Sweet Yoim. Thing As usual. I
woman 1 nt a disadvantage, A good
grltaly bear isn't lie lmught for los
than teu times lhat, Indianapolis Jour
onl.
Tbi Happened in Plttebnra;,
!5oteI Guest ias tire alarm soundsl-
Poee the Ore department here have
any difficulty In locating n lire?
Landlord Not any more than In nny
other city, I UppOSO, But, why do
you ask?
Hotel Guest Well, it' so smoky
here I don't sec how they ever tliid tue
Ore. Chicago News. 1
One of M..11 ,
Quadds- Hello, old boy! Wha ar
you doing now?
Sparer Writing for Ihe press.
Quadds Don' I you Bod It rather
thankless sort of work?
spacer on the contrary, nearly ev
erything I write Is returned with
thank- Chicago News.
Tlie Motive l'orr.
"Mrs. Lowdly dresses up nnd goes
everywhere ami lias a good lime, but
one never sees her husband. I sup
pose he pay the bills, though, and
stays In the background."
"Yes. In other words she I one of
those nlry creatures who have 110 visi
ble menus of support." Philadelphia
llulletlll.
Bel ween 1 rkmt.
Oheyiiitf Onk-ra,
"Now, Tommy, give me 11 dellnltlon
of rntlo."
Tommy Please, sir. pn snid 1 wasn't
to talk politics In school.
Oantloatarjr,
(Slipping the ring on her finger)
Let's keep this secret a little while,
darling. Don't sny anything abOUl It.
(In n whisper) I won't, lore till I
And out whether the touu Is genuine
or not.- Chicago Tribune.
An Knjoyuble Tramp.
Mildred (from Philadelphia)--You
don't seem to like Kvelyn.
Penelope (from Booton)- She shows n
Inck of proper culture. This morning
she snld she was going to tukc a tramp
up the mountain.
Mildred Weill
Penelope Do you not think she
nilght choose us her escort one whose
aoclnl ' i'ii more In keeping with
her own T New York Press.
She
For Mercy' Hake.
"Ills wife's name Is Mercy.
keeps him busy, too,"
"Doing whnt?"
"Why, running on errnnda of Mercy.
Philadelphia Rullotln.
IlultonleM Coat.
Btnbb Y'ou ought to go to the min
strels this week. Regulur button-busting
Joki-s. they sny.
I'enn Who's going to sew my but
tons on nfter they're busted off? You
don't know my wife, old man.
Equnl Footing.
"Why are ladles so fond of golf?"
"Well, you see, It places them on nu
eijuul footing with the men."
At the I'., Mm.
"A woman tried to vote here to-day."
"Ilow'd you get rid of her?"
"Told OCT to send It by mall, so that
It would be sure to receive Official nt-
tentlon." Philadelphia North American,
Then She Went Out.
Tom Whnt do you think she did
when I naked her to let me bo the light
Of her life?
Dick 1 don't know. What?
Tom - Turned me dowu. Philadel
phia Rulletlu.
Weald Come Around All Nluht.
They were seated side by side on the
parlor sofa' nml there wusu't room
enough between them for an argument.
"George," murmured the nuild, after
a blissful silence extending over a pe
riod of several minutes, "I'm afruld
your arm must be very painful."
"Why do you thing so, dourest?" he
asked.
"Because;" she coyly replied, "It
seems to be out of place."
"Oh, well, never mind," said George.
"It will come around all right" Chi
cago News.
A Ketort Courteoi-.a.
The Automobile Get out of the way
there, you old stiff! You're a has-been.
The Horse Perhaps. Rut will you
please tell me from what part of your
anatomy they cut the porterhouse
Steaks ?-Ouia ha World Herald.
"I'm just engaged!"
"Indeed 1 Dare you, then, received
n great Inheritance ?" - llumorlstlschu
Blaetter,
Old MnyliiK.
Pick (describing the singer) she imd
BSUra eyes; minstrel Joke hair
Ida one moment, Dlckl Whnt in
(he world Is "minstrel Joke halrV"
Dick- Why. n rich chestnut, oi
course. Girls couldn't see through 11
window with the glass out.
Tltrre Hulls In Hlniiulae.
"Say, Dick, ootn means uncle, docsn'i
itr
"Y'es; I believe It's till the same In
Dutch."
"Well, It's been a great help to me
of late."
"Y'ou don't sny."
"Yes. when L'dlth nsked where my
overcoat was I told her down nt oom's.
Now, old Chap, If I had snld down nt
uncle's she'd seen through It In a min
ute." Drip of Steel.
Swlpsy--Me old man WU1 one of dese
friendly men. He'd catch hold of yet
band uu' wudn'l let go.
BUIjr Great Jlmmyl Wux ho a cor
or n detective?
A In ll ... mid Wliiskrrs.
why does a man's balr fail out bo
fore his whiskers?
Because It Is nt lenst twenty years
older. New York Press.
Horntlo Rarnes Slormcr They used
o cnll mo n "ham," but lit I lo did I
dream I would ever figure In a "sandwich."
'for
Tli-v-e were Other.
"I mnrrled you," he observed,
yourself alone, but now "
It wns clear thut the honeymoon was
011 Its last leg.
"Now I find I have got the whole
family." New York Press.
Net l'artlculnr.
"She does all her owu cooking, but
sho says her husband has the appetite
of a bird."
"Goodness! She must menu nu o
trlcb." Philadelphia Bulletin.
Took Hint Up. 1
She-Will you buy me that lint? '
He My precious little
She Look here! You can either liuj
me thnt hat or you can love 1110 pre
cious little. New Y'ork I'ress.
A Mom (if Metnl.
"The orutor Is what you call n man
of metal."
"Why?"
"They coll him 'silver-tongued,' In
has gold lu hi teeth, nml he certainly
has plenty of brass."- Philadelphia
Rulletlu.
In KIR Society.
First FIJI Belle DO yon think she
hns the fnce to be mnrrled with the
two-ring ceremony?
Second FIJI B0U0 Oh, yes, her fact
is certainly ample for two rings. Do
Holt Journal.
A rreoloos Gem Htory.
The tea things had been clean d
away, and the head of the establish
incut was trying to lead the evening
paper, while his better half busied her
self with some fancy work, and at the
same time endeavored to lute. rest I1I111
In the gossip of the neighborhood.
"Maria," said he, glancing up from
his paper, "did you ever heur the story
of precious gems?"
"Why, no," she replied; "what Is It?"
"It's an old-time fairy legend that my
grandmother told me when 1 was a
boy," be continued, "about a woman
from whose lips there fell either a din
moud or a ruby every time she Spokl 11
word."
"Well, go on." she snld.
"That's all there Is of It, Mnrla," In
replied. "Rut 1 was Just thinking thai
If such things happened nowdays I'd
open a Jewelry shop the Urst thing
In the moruliis."
And then for thirteen consecutive
minutes silence reigned supreme.
The womnn who marries a man to re
form It 1 1 u seldom lives long euough U
nulsu the Job.
"i