. I
Eugene City Guard.
I. L. cam run i.. rr.H.ior.
EUUKNE CITY BEGON
The nieat trtist make uo bones of
charging high prices.
It Is understood that Don Carlo baa
quit allllng up nlgbta to pretend.
We reserve our bero worship for tbe
man who can Invent a mucilage pot
tbut won't get fiunuied up.
Let It no longer be considered a re
proach to be sealek. Admiral Dewey
had mal demer during tbu battle of
Manilla.
If I he borne goes, I he coach man mint
go, too. A family coachman way down
Kaat haa gone, lie took a H'.uDO.OOO
bride wllb blm.
Small bill are anld to I NUW But
moat Mraoni can leatlfy to the fact
that the monthly bilks." big and little,
are an numerous a ever.
Wrllera may come and wrltera may
go, but no one will take tbe place of
tbe late Horatio Alger in tbe heurt of
the men wbo uacd to be boy.
Tbe announcement that tbe kissing
bug la a myth, the creation of au Imag
Inutlve rtJportCr, 1 a little hard ou the
people who have been bltteu by tbe
Insect
It probably would uot require a very
near sighted man to recognlio In allm
Hnrah Heruhardfa Hamlet tbe tlmo
bOMnd bypothcli of "Hamlet with
Hamlet left out."
That la a dangerous adiuUilon made
by tbe Itoaton Herald that tbe Boston
atreet lsy ha abbreviated "motor car"
ti t .tiinto." Bouietlmea a uame like
that itlck ridiculously.
lMI-.il think the name "electro mo
bile" should be selected for electrical
rarrlagea. That hsi a eupboiilou
aouud. and bow would gaaoiuobllc an
wer for lboe run by gasoline power?
A man 1CMI yeara of age recently chas
tlaed hi youthful ion aged 70 for mis
behavior. There la nothing like putting
a aoii on the right path while he la Ktlll
unrler MO. Tbu boy may yet turn out
II right
Simple direction for treatment of
lockjaw are king their appearance
here and there. It abould be Itoruo In
mind, however, that prevention la bet
ter than cure, and that the toy pistol, a
frequent cause, can at leaat be prohibited.
A maglatrate haa declared It Illegal
for a mini to make love to a woman
without her consent. The legal form
w ill rend: "May I aak you If I may nsk
you?" and It la feared till complicated
question will completely licfuddlc a
great many aultor.
An luveatlgatlou allow that the Aa
tor luwtcad of Is-lng deacetideil from a
noble I! f KpauUb "in tlet came !n
a atrulght line from a 0 (!! butcher.
If the Aalora were good sensible ps-ople
they would be ghid till discovery haa
la-en made. Iletler an hotieat (lertiinii
butcher any day than a hanger ou at a
Spanish court.
The ailm Issloii fee to a n lit prlr.e
fight In New Vork excceil.il 180,000,
the largest aiiiount ever received for
mj .Ingle performance. Tbi im btM
cited aa a aiarlllng coiiimetitary iihiii
Hie llmea. llloody noae and cracked
crowns, however, are not the delight
of the vaat majority of our people, nor
are bounce and bluater yet widely nc
opted a the principal virtue of the
W olid.
zz , .a
The plain truth apia ara to he that a
Very large proportion of the population
of tin' l ulled Slate I Indifferent to
book, and we have Mill rather a ainitll
ItrlCtly tudeiit element. It I tbe fault
of very heavy and mixed Immigration,
of the hackw arducss of the large rural
population In the South, and of the rap
Id growth of the country, with enforc
til alrlct attention to practical affair
f a business kind.
A fruit novelty 1 reported from Cali
fornia. It la half lemon and half or
ange, with the ahapc of the lemon and
the color of the orange, the Juice hav
ing the flavor of laitb. It la, of courae,
rtlflclally produced. Heretofore tbe
phantom lemon, which llgurea lu picnic
aaelN. ha had tbe chief distinction aa
a lemon curloally. The fruit world, It
w ill l... aeen, howa a tendency to com
blunt Ion a well a the limine world.
Captain William A. Andrew, who
undertook to croa the ocean lu a dory,
did not complete hi voyage. He wa
picked up by a iteamer 70(1 mile from
laud In Much an exhauated condition
and o glad to get aboard that he did
uot even try to aave hi boat. It I not
possible to feel any sympathy for the
captain. It was a foolhardy piece of
bualuca. which If It bad (uccccdcd
would have accomplished nothing of
value. If he should ufely crox tbe
ocean a doien i line It w ould not con
vince any one that It waa not much
eaaler and aafer to go ou a steamer
Captain Andrew should be thankful
the steamer picked blm up and quit tbe
silly builuea lu which he I engaged.
The declaration of the late Presi
dent lleureaux that tbe object of life
waa "to tight man and love womau"
brings u back to the age w lieu man
had all lie could do to bold hi own
agnlut other Is-asta. It will strike tbe
gentle reader a little odd to bear such
a pre historic admlssloti after two
thousand years of Chrlstlaulty. Hut
the swarthy President of Kan Domingo
waa simply relterattiig lu a bluut way
a principle that baa la-en dlcuscd
and even defended by generations of
novelist. The tight gov ou lu the
tock exchange today as ttercvly aa
It did In the age of totemlsin, when the
struggle tor food was mau'a first aud
onlj occupation. Aa for tbe latter half
of life' object ibelvea of yellow
backed novel lioar teatliuouy that
llcurcaux atood Uot alone Why tuuit
tbe beatheu be saved, mutter tbe p. -linlst.
w in u respected members of so
ciety, who pay their annual pew rent.
If they do not actually Ittdof lieu
reaux'a philosophy, believe In the max
im, "Be virtuous If you can. If )ou
cau't be careful" DoM the latter)
abow auy moral suicrlorlty to lleu
reaux' frank deflultiou of life?
Tbe predominant aspiration In the
boy nature la tbe dealre to lie a man.
Aa be canuot be a una until be I
grown he Imitates the mail to the best
of bis boyish ability. Next to BUI ft
sire to be a man bl troiiget Impulse
I to do what the other lsy do. Tbe
boy I gr.gurlou. He goe lu drove
usually, following the leadership of the
loudest-voiced and moat pugnacious of
bis fellows. These two tralta of the
boy nature explain tbe recent atrlke
among the newsboys and meaenger
bOjn In New Vork, Plttlurg, Syracuse
and Phlladel.hla. The BOB, when they
want their wage rn!''d or shorter
bOttM f tabor, strike. It Is only nat
ural that the bojra should follow the
example'of their elders. Adult striker
frequently mob other men who are will
ing to take their place, calling them
"seal" and other opprohloiia names.
Boys follow their example by beating,
or threatening to beat, their fellow
who are willing to add to the family
Income by Klcklug to their employ
ment. If the worklngmeu win a strike
lu Sew York or Huston, other are en-coiiragi-d
to go on it atrlke. If the
newalHiy and mmsoiiger boy of OU
city stop work for better pay, the strike
epidemic spreads straightway nuioiig
the boya In all cities. It's an old saying
that boys will be boys, aud It I equally
true that bo; a want to be mid do like
other boya. While a boys' atrlke last,
however. It la usually a lively one. The
spirit of gregarlouaueaa lu the boy na
ture Inaurea this. Wbat one boy doc
all tbe hoys will do or want to do, and
when all the messenger or newslsiys
are on atrlke and preventing other
bojn from doing their work, there will
le plenty of life, a good deal of mis
chlff aud some destruction going forward.
The I'nlted States weather bureau
haa published the rcNtilt of Investiga
tion It haa made aa to the value of
property destroyed and the number of
lives lost In this country, by lightning,
for a series of nine years. The records
are reasonably complete and the allow
ing I a curious aa It Is Interesting.
In the laat nine year .'111! person
have la-en killed annually by light
ning, but of all the year considered
that of Is'1"' was the most disastrous,
I'J1', persous having lost their Uvea lu
that manner. iJist yenr thu mortality
waa att7. and In tl litlre nine yeara
the average number killed was live to
each million of population. Fatalities
are less frequent lu cltle and thickly
settled localities and moat common In
agricultural sections of tbe country.
Of the states having most deaths
from this cause Ohio takes the lead,
the average being 'J I for each loo.ooo
persons engaged lu farming. The
greatest proportion of fatal strokes Is
found In the Missouri valley, tbe great
plains and lu the region of the Rock
Mountains. Last year I.Wkl building
were destroyed or damaged by light
ning, which Involved a loas estimated
at ll.tH0.gQ0. r other properly lost
the report mentions ;i rattle, KM
horses, !I0 mules, lit! pigs, 4'Jtl si p.
the estimated total value of which waa
flV-.VT. Tills makes the total los of
properly 11,486,187, caused by only
710 lightning strokes. It la alaled that
so far aa the bias of life Is coui crued,
practically all the fatalities take place
lu the live montha from April to Sep
tember, most of thOU Is-lng lu June
ami July Tbe report says that much
of the damage caused by lightning
III the agricultural districts might be
avoided by "grounding wire" at
proper distances along lines of wire
fences, "which are dentil traps to
stock, the fatal shock liclng Inflicted
often through the medium of the wires
at a considerable distance from the
polut bit."
HERE'S A BIO PAIR.
Two Ileum low Kentucky llahlea Th it
Weigh III). I l-ouml..
Two of the most remarkable children
ever lairn lu Kentucky are those of Mr.
and Mrs. C. I.. Cartmlll, of Owlngsvllle.
They are Dtttl May, aged ft, weight
180 p.. mills, and Willie, aged I, weight
'.'In pounds. At birth the elder weigu-
r ATTKst miM IN KUtTUCKT
ed S and the younger 7. They began to
grow In about a week's time and grew
so rapidly that people for tulle came
to see them. Doctor aud iclelitlat
from everywhere where llielr rapid
growth was known came to study
them. They are perfectly healthy, but
steep more than half (he time.
Mr. and Mrs. Cartmtll are people of
ordinary site. Mr. Cartmlll Is quite
tall, but his weight Is not more than 100
pounds at any time. He Is a huckster,
and although he attempts to reduce
them by dieting they continue to grow
despite bl effort.
HE IS RICH, YET POOR.
JAMES HCALEY, THE CATTLE
KINQ OF NEW MEXICO.
Is Worth 01,000,000, and II 01OO,
OOO la Yearly Income, Yet II Llvee
iii. Hiaapla and Arduous Life of
Mexican Cattl Harder.
A man wbo doesn't know wbat to do
with bl money la somewhat of au
anomaly, but Jauie Henley, of New
Mexico, wbo Is
worth 11,000,000
and whose annual
Income la 1100,000,
Is such a person.
II' aley la nn extra
ordinary man.
whoso counterpart
can scarcely be
found anywhere.
II.- possesses land,
cattle and copper
p r 0 P r t lea well
worth far above n
million nny day In
j a mrs iiKAi.cr, the week, yet bo
live In a rude board shanty Hint could
be duplicated for two. out of bis an
nual Income of $100,000 In- spend less
than $000 of It on hliiiaelf. lie own
thousand of acre of land In the fertile
spots of New Mexico, and still he live
no better not even so well than a
good part of tbe Ignorant Mexlcnna he
employs to In lp herd bis cuttle.
.laim llealey went to New Mexico
from Texn. He was born lu Scdnlln,
Mo., In 1N.IS. n iM with bla parents went
to Auatln, Texas., lu 1KT0. He has al
ways lived on tbu plains and has no
knowledge of any other life. He never
than Jive out of the twenty-four hour
and I often lo tbe aaddle or In tbe cor
ral for two daya aud night at a time.
In tneae later year, when be baa be
come o rlcb. be ha several vaqueroa
ala.ut blm alwaya at night lu tbe lonely
mountain, where It would uo trick nt
all for bandlta to perpetrate some crim
inal design upon tbe wealthy cattle
man. Frequently the old mnn will roll
In a blanket alougaide the amp fire on
the range for tbe night, and with a sup
per on cracker and cheese or ladled
I., ana will go to sleep until the earliest
streak of daylight. lieu he will get
up and go to work again.
Ho la by oo means a miser, for he ha
several time mad.- flftl of IWWO and
fi.ix) to bla vnqueros, whom be like.
I .ist Chrlatmas he decb-d to a tmsn on
bla range a bunch of prim- 4 year old
steers that were worth Sly. and be
gave all In bis employ a ten or a
twenty-dollar gold piece. Ho make tils
li. idquarter and DOOM In a pine shan
ty on tbe aoutheru end of bla great
range, about thirty live mile north
west from OtrfDoi itatlon, on too Santa
Fe route. Tbere In- sleepo In a rude
bunk built against the wall and abOftl
are two other bunks, where a friend or
a trusted vaquero sleep occasionally.
Fruical In Ills Hiiendltnres.
Henley cooka hi own food, but some
times he ha a c..wl.oy help blm nt
cooking. A lot of burnisl black kettles.
a bur 1 skillet, mid a grimy old coffee
pot and a few battered puns, chipped
dishes, and decrepit knives and fork
on n greasy table tn-ar the tove all tell
what eort of meals this unusual mil
lionaire partakes of.
He ha never seen a drama, beard a
concert, or anything theatrical or oper
atic alnce ls7n, and then In El Paso.
About once a mouth, when tbere la uo
MH.I.IONAlIti: HEAI.EY'S SI MMER HOME.
A Hi ti Compliment.
"Frederick Douglass told me," saya,
a writer In Harper s Magaxltie, "that,
In spite of his long experience, be never
could entirely rid blttMU of stage
fright. Dining tbe first fifteen min
utes wheu I face au audience,' be said,
ui kucea will knock together.'"
W ben he got fairly Into hi subJiH-t.
however, this uer ousiiess, which all
speaker bae sometimes felt, paasul
away. He put hi point well In any
argument, and hi eloquence wa of a
high order. Ills tribute, lu one sent em v.
to Abraham Lincoln I au uniurpMMd
compliment.
"Mr. I.bicolu," he saUl, "I tbe ouly
white mail luto whole presence 1 was
ever ushered who did uot make me feel
that I wa a negro. -
Death Aiuong Women.
Tbere I ouly oue (uddett death
among women to eight among men.
Tbe proposal lu a love story I to a
girl wbat tbe pie at a dluner U to a boy.
went to school but three years mid that
waa on the plains of Teias. Hut be
waa born with rare MgaeJtJi a DOCOlUUI
order ihrtWdUW that reads men nt a
k-lance ami knows a KhMMr Instinct
ively. His chief toek In trade 1 au
Iron MMMtltoUon and a bravado nerve
that made blm well known on the fron
tier before be wn 'JO. He became
vaquero lu Texa when he was 17 yeara
old. Ills associates have been Mexican
vaqueroa, American cow boys, hardened
characters ou the border and half
breed Indiana.
Mart of the Healer Fortune.
When the Navajis-a were moved by
tbt p eminent to Southern New Mex
ico In the latter 'iSoa, Jim llealey mid
other vaqueroa went northward with
little bands of cattle and aeltled on
tracts of laud close to the Arizona ter
ritorial line. That was the beglutilng
of tbe llealey fortune, lu a few years
be had several hundred head of steers.
Then be had several thousand. He
sike the Spanish tODgtM aa well as bis
own, and no American knew tbt border
ami Ire rude ways so well as Jim llea
ley did. With furl her sales of cattle be
bought more land. So be baa kept on
buying laud, trading for cattle and
water rlghla, ooena'oually dabbling In
sheep aud wool until be haa become
more than a millionaire.
I'p to twenty live years ago Henley's
solo unnecessary expense was gapj
bllng. There are still tales In ancient
Sania l-V of the times when Jim Henley
returning from a Ctttl drive to Trini
dad and Port Dodge, used to alt Iii a
faro gaine for forty debt hour at a
stretch and lose or win $7.otai or $s,issi
nt n sitting. One night he saw the faro
dealer give a llgulflctnl w Ink to a pro
fessional player alongside llealey and
from that moment he quit the tablea.
He haa bad bla upa and dow ns In cat
tie, the aatne as all other cattlemen. In
the griNlt freeze of 1S7S lie lost the
greater part of n herd that reprooonted
some llatVOOO, At another time be lost
over $60,000 worth of cattle by rOaOOl)
of a lung plague and the Texaa cattle
fever.
Tbe fearful depreciation In cattle and
rnngea, which act In at about lv.si and
culminated In 1808, ruined many a cat
tleman, but Henley not only bun,; to
bl herds aud sold Ills cattle at little or
DO profit for six or seven HKCOOlltl
yoera. but be added to his range by
purchase of hind from dliCOUraged men
who abandoned the Industry. Per three
year he ha lavti selling his steers
at topnotch price, and he Is the fore
most cattleman In New Mexico.
Klch In DbVV I'roi.erly.
The pivscnt marvelous boom In cop
per has also added to Henley's riches.
Twenty years ago when be was In El
Paso, Texaa, with a herd of cattle he
met an old companion of his youth on
the Texas border, The old friend bad
turned proapeetor and had been among
the Dragoon mountains In Southern
Arlaolia. Among the mineral propvr
tUsa he had located was a copper claim,
the Hanger by mime, llealey la seldom
tOUChod by the sentimentality of friend
ship, but this time his friend told such
a talc of distress that llealey gac ti I til
outright ftgOO for two thirds of the cop
per claim. At different times Healej
wa persuaded to put J'.HSi ami $,tt)ii
more to hold bis share of the proper! v
legally Intact, lu tsoj the mine begun
to pay, and when HOuJej got $7,ii for
one-third the mine, he thought tils re
maining third was worth holding.
When copper roae to cent, a pound
In 1807 llealey got OMM $1,000 a month
from tbe Hanger, and since copper has
risen to IS slid W .-ents. lie has bad be
Iw Ml W.tHSi and $3,W0 a month profit
from It.
HI vaquero say they believe the
millionaire must la- made of steel. He
ba boon a phi sloloKlcal t-aiu engine '
for over thirty rive vears 11,. Ili.rllr!
kuow no ret Ue usually sleep U s
work Jim llealey can busy himself nt.
and he feola In the mood, then the cat
tle king will get out a throe-gallon Jug
of claret (Which he buya from the half
breed Indians) and produce several yel
low paper packagco of cheap tobacco,
and he and several aasm-late will sit
and tell ItOTleO cither about a camp Are
or In the cabin for a few hours. Hut
that's the end of the cattlemnu's dissi
pation. No one can Induce blm to have
another taste of It In lea than three or
four weeks.
King; or Stowaway.
The steamship I.tickawannn brought
Into Philadelphia recently a boy who
la probably the most famous atowaway
on the Atlantic. The fact that the cap
tain of the Lackawanna bud Involun
tarily carried blm thrice across tbe sea
la a fair test of his ability to secrete
himself, na ou each occasion the vessel
has b i thorough searched before
leaving Liverpool. Edward Murphy I
only IB years old. He balls from Illrk
cube, 'id. England, and has never had a
home other than the gutter of the
world' largest city can afford. He be
gun the stowaway business some years
ago. when lesa than lo. ami has made
a great succesa of It. He has visited
most of tbe shipping ports of the At
lantic, and ninny South American ami
African countries beeldea During the
past year be lias traveled from Llver
mmi1 to New York, to Santos, t0 Ho
sarlo, lo Argentine Republic, to the
Harbadoes, to Southampton, to Liver
pool, to Philadelphia He Is known to
every lUpptf who anils from London,
and as a rule Is n favorite with oftleers
and men. CuptaJn Wytte, of tbe Lack'
aw anna, thinks ao much of him that
be b is offered lo adopt blm, but Mur
phy cannot give up bis roving Ufa, if
he can escape from the Lackawanna -00
board which ship. In accordance,
with the law which requires every sea
captain to pay a flue for foreigners
brought to America without money, be
Is closely confined he will probably
beat bis way acros America anil
"ship" on some Pacific collier, as be
has always expressed a desire to go to
tbe Klondike.
Corrected In Rhyme,
Thnckerny waa much postered by the
autograph hunter, aays ll,.,Mcr In bla
"BecoUectlona." He disiiki-d tbove nil
things to write lu an autograph album,
ami often refused those w ho asked hint
to do so. and some tlm rather brusque.
It.
On oue occasion the owner of an
album, a young lady, waa fortunate.
Thackeray took her hook to his room
lu order to look It over. Written ou
a page he found these lines:
tlOM BlaM l the monarch of mountains;
They crowned htm long ago;
But w ho they lot to put it oo
Nobody seellia to know,
Allien Smith.
ITnler these lines Mr. Thackeray
wrote:
A Datable Suggestion.
1 know that Albert wrote lu hurry;
To etitldae I scarce presume;
But ret Mthlukt that Llndley Murrav.
Instead "f "who," had written whom
-W. M. Thackeray.
Carrier PtgoosM Armed.
In China carrier pigeons are protect
ed from birds of prey by apparatus con
slating of bamboo tiilH-s fastened to the
birds' laalles. As the pigeon flies the
action of the air passing through the
tubes produces shrill whltllng sound
which keeps the bird of prey at a distance.
1 w ry one has a right to be a little
foolish; It Is the luherllauee of every
one. But curb the disposition all you
H you ccompllb anythtug In tbi
life, you will have no time to atUud
committee meetings.
SHE WEARS TROUSERS.
Orl.ln.l Chaasplon of Hlooasers Mill
Wears 'Km.
Miss 8uan Fowler, tbe original
. i. !......... an article uf
champion oi uioviuc -
feminine apparel. If not the Inventor of
tbe custom, still wears tbe mannish
costume about her farm near Vlnelaud,
i... rii.llv life.
N J In me course ui
She 'is 75 year of age. but a wonder
fully well preserved old lady aud a
Atn.., aud Interesting, despite her
rrotesiiue garb, as many a younger
. ..... 1 1 e r.-o, ..iik-
woman Iter aciivu ii
able, and day by day she attends to ber
Vp'Iae?
Miss si SAN rowi.KH.
duties about the farm, even to the ex
tent of taking a baud lu tbe plowing
when help Is short-handed.
Miss Fowler bus worn bloomers for
over six yeurs. and says she will never
wear anything else. She says they are
not In tbe slightest degree Immodest,
and do not lessen a woman' feminin
ity. She believes In woman' rights,
but Is not an advocate of woman's
suffrage. She believes In matrlmony
In short, In nothing but her costume
realizes the general Idea of a new
woman.
Miss Fowler has had mnny offers of
marrlogc, the latest from a Western
farmer, twenty years her Junior. She
cut short the courtship, however, by
offering to be a mother to blm.
jpllifii
George W. Cnble, whose recent lec
ture tour of England was so very suc
cessful. Intends to make another visit
to England this summer.
Anthony Hope, though he considers
a college education a great help to an
author, does uot regard It as a ueccs
slty, even to a writer of only average
ability.
Oeorge Brandea, the Danish critic,
says that Ibseu recently gave him nn
odd reason for liking Buaala. "Their
splendid system of oppression," said
the dramatist, "engenders such n love
of liberty."
Tbe rewards of literature are fre
quently disappointing, but tunny a
worker lu other branches of activity
would be satisfied to leave his family
the $1-10.(100 bequeathed by the novel
ist. William Black, to bll wife and chil
dren. Colonel John A. Joyce le writing to
the papers from Washington to malu
tuln bis claim to the authorship of the
poem which has been sometimes, nnd
perhaps generally, credited to Ella
Wheeler Wilcox. In which occurs the
tllne: ' Laugh, and the world laughs
with you."
A former worker on the Itilliimiaitls
Journal lu reminiscent mood, referring
to J. Whltcomb BUey, the poet, says:
"l can remember when BUey, with hi
smooth, boyish face, slender figure,
chid lu sacerdotal garb, used to come
around the office and sit on my desk
and dash off nonsense verses in that
same copper-plate, microscopic hand
writing that be uses to-day. 'Llge Hal
ford, President Harrison's private sec
retary, aud now n major lu the United
Btatea army, w as the editor, nnd It used
to be BUey! chief delight to submit
some of his most meaningless Jingles to
llulford for the editorial page. The
Major spent many a weary hour trying
to comprehend them. "You'd better
draw a diagram to go with this," he
would say. Then a shout of laughter
from tbe boys would show blm that
there was a Joke loose somewhere, aud
he would retire luto his office to avoid
If
An Krrand of Mercy.
Don't kill the long-winged Insect
known ns the devil's darning needle
because Its appearance Is uot prepos
sessing. It comes In March of mos
quitoes ou which It feeds, and It de
serves a hearty welcome nnd would
have I very thing Its way If It were more
generally known what Its mission
Were. That other Insect which looks
like a magnified mooqolto comes for
the same purpose, and w hen you kill
It. you aid the destroyers of your own
comfort
Why He Waa Anarry.
Mr. Pegau. the oratorical antl-llquor
member of the New South Wales Leg
islative Assembly, was lately made
very angry by a mlspriut. The Adel
aide Critic reiavrts the fact.
"Whisky makes men genial for a
time." said Fegan In a speech. The
next day he read, and his constltueuts
rend, in the Official report of the debate,
"Whisky makes me genial for a time."
CaoBK or Stage Frlvht.
An Mtpert has arisen to explain that
stage fright really comes from a disor
dered stomach. He argues from this
thai persona meditating public appear
ances should la? careful of tbelr diet
aud adhere to regular habits.
Without Liquor.
There Is a district lu Liverpool Inhab
ited by 00,000 people where Intoxl
catlug liquor canuot be bought
HUMOll OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
No man ever hears a woman's sincere
opiulous until be has told her be love
her. and been told In return that sb
wives blm.
(Mid, Carloaa and Laaahable Phaae
ml llnasao Nature tlraphlcalljr Por
trajad by KaaUant Word Artlata at
Oar Own Day A liudgel of Vum.
,.i inr l mi miirb disappointed
I wit. . , - - -
In you," suld Mr. Bullion, sternly, eye-
' - . . , i c .......
Ihg Ills eldest sou, wuo iiau couic u",i
from college In disgrace. "I never ex
Mctad you to amount lo anything."
"Xo," responded the young man, with
a sort of feeble resentment. "I haveu't
bad a good a tnrt In life as you bad.
You were a sior boy. with every In
ducement to make somebody of your
self, and I am nothing but a rlcb mau's
sou."-Chlcngo Tribune.
l.nvr'a Imposition.
"Why. darling." exclaimed the pretty
bride of three weeks, as she rushed to
embrace her husband. "How good It
was of you to skip baseball once and
come home early. You're Just too
sweet."
And he accepted It all without saying
a word about there being uo game.
Delrolt Free Press.
1 1. cr "I 'I Taste.
"Is your husband musical. Belinda T"
"No, Indeed. He likes tunes."
A Welsh S7 Mutter.
"Dasher didn't weigh his chances
when he went Into that enterprise."
"And yet he peculated ou u lnrge
scale." Moousblue.
Got It llad.
First servant glrl-I believe I am be
coming afflicted with insomnia.
Second servant girl Why so?
First servant girl Here lately when
the missus calls me to get up I can't
drop off to sleep agalu.- Ohio State
Journal.
Conldn't Hold Himself Dp.
Mrs. Jaggs (time 2 a. m.) What In
the world kept you oo lute?
Mr. Jaggs W-why ihlc) iu' dear. Jus'
as I was comln' (hie) 'long Brunt shing
know d was held up by shlx or sbeveu
high way m'u ou (bid darksh street.
Mrs. Jaggs Well, It's a good thing
they happened to be there to hold you
up. You never could have done It your-Bclf.
A Hopelesa Cuar,
"Has Oeorge ever hinted that he had
thought of you as a possible wife?"
asked the anxious mother.
"No," replied the girl, a far-away
look In her eyes, "aud I'm nfruld he
never win."
"Why," said the mother, "I
thought "
"It doesn't matter what you thought,
mamma, dear." Interrupted the (laugh
ter. "Only last night he complained
of feeling drowsy and it wasn't 0
o'clock."
On th- Wrntic Track.
The Statesman- What do you think
of the race problem?
Tbe Rounder Can't say. Haven't
seen to-day's entries."
Worila of Wlalont.
"Our naval oflloers ought to adopt
Budyard Kipling's formula for good
health."
"What's that?"
"Keep your pores open nnd your
mouth shut."-Detroit Free Press.
A Kay of Hope.
Servant- Sir. I can no loneer staml it
to live with tbe mistress uud have giv
en tier notice.
Tbe lord of creation (anxlouslrinr
you think that will do any good?-Meg-
genuorrar uiaetttr.
All Women Can,
"You used to snr." said Mr t... !,,.
as he adgad away from the threatening
brooui-haudle, "that 1 was tbe greatest
oargaiu you ever got."
"Yes, nnd I will show von that I ,- ,,,
strike a burgalu, too," retorted bis bet
ter tiair.
Malned.
City niece The w ludo
church ure stained.
Aunt Alll't Mint n ..It S-.a
, !") V.HU i tuey
get nothing to take them off?
An Awrul Kline
Mrs. Styles- I'd have you understand
that I kuow a imoil nuns .
- - j ..uiae uieu
than my husband.
Mrs. Myles My dear, you must be
uiore na rl leiibi r fili.,iit i..i.i
r . ,'..inK your uc-
qualutanees.-Cluclnnatl Enquirer.
Pllahtly Chanel.
Rudolph-Two young gentlemen wish
to meet two young ladles with a view to
matrimony. Money uo object. How
wilt ibat do. me lord?
ltupert Money no objection. That
sounds better.
Heady for Luncheon.
I was going to ask you to tako
uncheon with me today." Md ou
board of trade man to another, "but
Slims says he bs Invited you Sorrv
he got In ahead of me."
"What time do you lunch?"
"At U"
i""?m flortunt'- 8"m lake. hi. at
12. 1U be with you.'-Detrolt Free
I rvaa,
... rr
lie tat breakfast, ,.r-
per say, there wa qui,.
block earl, tbi. mrnln,' ftS
posed to have been the work w
ceudlary."
She-Well, don't let nult '
that worry you." ttibj,
He
She
building It.
Why. what do you B
In j
"la I'redlc. i,,
"1 see." said the affaM, ft
you occasionally drop Dto
"No," answered th. ,WZT21
"I don t drop Into p,.,rv ,.,;
nto it bv th.- "
-i nine if - u.
Th. llo.a.
In?
Rlrnnger-I. the mater 0f t,
Man
New
under bed v.. i.
York Journal. ' "l
Weaving ., .pen
He-I am rather n f.1Vor(.
Kngllsl, than tbe American ni?
sp' Illng.
She-Yes?
He-Yes. Indeed. Take 'parloo, ,.
Instance; having V , ImU(
The American Plan,
Smith-Are you gs t0 ,',
.laughter to marry that 0Z
young dude? """I
Brown- I haven't decided yet u
fact. I don't know ,., ' u u
tor I going to allow lo
thing to say about It
M-d "iTTr,.,,,.,
There Is one thing ,-ou , ,0
member. Remus, ind that 1 that W
osty Is the Is'st Millcy.'
"1 done year fokes Wy ,hat how
sah. but f,.' merself rj ra(I(ll.r u
udder kllie. "-Boston Courier.
Thought It Wa, , tKmtX Ofmm.
Mistress- How wn n you wert n
lata this ruing? Dldu t y0g
your alarm clock
Maid I did. mem; but I tbotfit I
bad only dreamt It. nnd ltaav
off ogain, mem."- Huston Trustna.
Uullautrjr.
Wheelwomnn (to an ailinlwrt-Ts
striH-ts are very quiet to day, liaroi
Baron How can It be otherwla
madam, when angels are pedalhg
nrouud. Meggeiidorfer Illaetter.
A Cake Walk.
"Have you an agreeable boirJln
house?"
"Yes, wo have; every mornlog
have a cuke walk."
"Cake walk? What's that?"
"Why, the first man at the table gets
the hot onea." Detroit Free "reM.
Unite a Pud No wail irs.
"Is Agulnaldo dead or Isu't ber de
mAnded the observant boarder.
"I'm afraid uot," replied the other
boarder, "I think be has contnotd
the deathless dying habit, like the l
peror of China." Pltteburg CbwtloV
Telegraph.
Hen. t ly.
"I see they made a lion of IB
over In Loudon."
"Yes, he reminds oue of a lion.
"In what way?" ,
"Wears bis hair long aud lis. to
A Valuable Hook.
NMihi l.nru la a hook!" elClilBWl US
seedy man, as be dashed luto tbe tan
er's prtvute otllce.
"Don't want uo books!" grunted UB
banker.
"But this Is one you can't help being
Interested In." .
"Huven't time to rend books, nnd--
"But I am sure you will take "
book," persisted the needy '"u-
"Look here, sir, do you Intend W
leave this room, or must I "
"Don't need to call tbe Janitor; m
go. This Is your book, though,
"My book?" . u a
"Yes. your pocketbook. 1 feuw " "
the hall." Theu he vanished.
I la Poaltlon.
"Me ould mon au' yer oulo W
fought solde be solde. l.arry.
"Mabe they did, Dluny; bul Oil'""
me ould mon wus ou top."
An BoOtvIO Cellar Torch.
An electric cellar torch ba recin
been hventfd In Ureal Britain, D
admit of many uses. The Inventor
the son of a physician, and
Ognlaed that the principle ot bll
er's laryngoscope might be rery
applied to commercial purposes:
hi experlmeut based on this ''
suited In the production of 4 1 ' w
oilorless and reliable appliance ror
thorough examination of ',r e
ensks aud vats, cans, etc. It
of an electric lamp coveted ' w
glass protector, and It Is secured a .
end of a handle through wb i B 1U
sulateil wire Is carried. A imall BW
Is provided; this folds Inward win
touches the side of the cask ,,r '
thus reflects the Interior In such a
that It may be thoroughly exauimeo-
Machine to Cure Stanimeri"
In a Peunsylvanlans device ror
cure of summering a pair of
metallic plate are conuectisl by s
row ni-ck and lient Into close pre -Ity
to be placed on either iWa
tongue, the neck having an aU
screw to clamp tbe plate In '