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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 9, 1899)
. I Eugene City Guard. I. L. cam run i.. rr.H.ior. EUUKNE CITY BEGON The nieat trtist make uo bones of charging high prices. It Is understood that Don Carlo baa quit allllng up nlgbta to pretend. We reserve our bero worship for tbe man who can Invent a mucilage pot tbut won't get fiunuied up. Let It no longer be considered a re proach to be sealek. Admiral Dewey had mal demer during tbu battle of Manilla. If I he borne goes, I he coach man mint go, too. A family coachman way down Kaat haa gone, lie took a H'.uDO.OOO bride wllb blm. Small bill are anld to I NUW But moat Mraoni can leatlfy to the fact that the monthly bilks." big and little, are an numerous a ever. Wrllera may come and wrltera may go, but no one will take tbe place of tbe late Horatio Alger in tbe heurt of the men wbo uacd to be boy. Tbe announcement that tbe kissing bug la a myth, the creation of au Imag Inutlve rtJportCr, 1 a little hard ou the people who have been bltteu by tbe Insect It probably would uot require a very near sighted man to recognlio In allm Hnrah Heruhardfa Hamlet tbe tlmo bOMnd bypothcli of "Hamlet with Hamlet left out." That la a dangerous adiuUilon made by tbe Itoaton Herald that tbe Boston atreet lsy ha abbreviated "motor car" ti t .tiinto." Bouietlmea a uame like that itlck ridiculously. lMI-.il think the name "electro mo bile" should be selected for electrical rarrlagea. That hsi a eupboiilou aouud. and bow would gaaoiuobllc an wer for lboe run by gasoline power? A man 1CMI yeara of age recently chas tlaed hi youthful ion aged 70 for mis behavior. There la nothing like putting a aoii on the right path while he la Ktlll unrler MO. Tbu boy may yet turn out II right Simple direction for treatment of lockjaw are king their appearance here and there. It abould be Itoruo In mind, however, that prevention la bet ter than cure, and that the toy pistol, a frequent cause, can at leaat be prohibited. A maglatrate haa declared It Illegal for a mini to make love to a woman without her consent. The legal form w ill rend: "May I aak you If I may nsk you?" and It la feared till complicated question will completely licfuddlc a great many aultor. An luveatlgatlou allow that the Aa tor luwtcad of Is-lng deacetideil from a noble I! f KpauUb "in tlet came !n a atrulght line from a 0 (!! butcher. If the Aalora were good sensible ps-ople they would be ghid till discovery haa la-en made. Iletler an hotieat (lertiinii butcher any day than a hanger ou at a Spanish court. The ailm Issloii fee to a n lit prlr.e fight In New Vork excceil.il 180,000, the largest aiiiount ever received for mj .Ingle performance. Tbi im btM cited aa a aiarlllng coiiimetitary iihiii Hie llmea. llloody noae and cracked crowns, however, are not the delight of the vaat majority of our people, nor are bounce and bluater yet widely nc opted a the principal virtue of the W olid. zz , .a The plain truth apia ara to he that a Very large proportion of the population of tin' l ulled Slate I Indifferent to book, and we have Mill rather a ainitll ItrlCtly tudeiit element. It I tbe fault of very heavy and mixed Immigration, of the hackw arducss of the large rural population In the South, and of the rap Id growth of the country, with enforc til alrlct attention to practical affair f a business kind. A fruit novelty 1 reported from Cali fornia. It la half lemon and half or ange, with the ahapc of the lemon and the color of the orange, the Juice hav ing the flavor of laitb. It la, of courae, rtlflclally produced. Heretofore tbe phantom lemon, which llgurea lu picnic aaelN. ha had tbe chief distinction aa a lemon curloally. The fruit world, It w ill l... aeen, howa a tendency to com blunt Ion a well a the limine world. Captain William A. Andrew, who undertook to croa the ocean lu a dory, did not complete hi voyage. He wa picked up by a iteamer 70(1 mile from laud In Much an exhauated condition and o glad to get aboard that he did uot even try to aave hi boat. It I not possible to feel any sympathy for the captain. It was a foolhardy piece of bualuca. which If It bad (uccccdcd would have accomplished nothing of value. If he should ufely crox tbe ocean a doien i line It w ould not con vince any one that It waa not much eaaler and aafer to go ou a steamer Captain Andrew should be thankful the steamer picked blm up and quit tbe silly builuea lu which he I engaged. The declaration of the late Presi dent lleureaux that tbe object of life waa "to tight man and love womau" brings u back to the age w lieu man had all lie could do to bold hi own agnlut other Is-asta. It will strike tbe gentle reader a little odd to bear such a pre historic admlssloti after two thousand years of Chrlstlaulty. Hut the swarthy President of Kan Domingo waa simply relterattiig lu a bluut way a principle that baa la-en dlcuscd and even defended by generations of novelist. The tight gov ou lu the tock exchange today as ttercvly aa It did In the age of totemlsin, when the struggle tor food was mau'a first aud onlj occupation. Aa for tbe latter half of life' object ibelvea of yellow backed novel lioar teatliuouy that llcurcaux atood Uot alone Why tuuit tbe beatheu be saved, mutter tbe p. -linlst. w in u respected members of so ciety, who pay their annual pew rent. If they do not actually Ittdof lieu reaux'a philosophy, believe In the max im, "Be virtuous If you can. If )ou cau't be careful" DoM the latter) abow auy moral suicrlorlty to lleu reaux' frank deflultiou of life? Tbe predominant aspiration In the boy nature la tbe dealre to lie a man. Aa be canuot be a una until be I grown he Imitates the mail to the best of bis boyish ability. Next to BUI ft sire to be a man bl troiiget Impulse I to do what the other lsy do. Tbe boy I gr.gurlou. He goe lu drove usually, following the leadership of the loudest-voiced and moat pugnacious of bis fellows. These two tralta of the boy nature explain tbe recent atrlke among the newsboys and meaenger bOjn In New Vork, Plttlurg, Syracuse and Phlladel.hla. The BOB, when they want their wage rn!''d or shorter bOttM f tabor, strike. It Is only nat ural that the bojra should follow the example'of their elders. Adult striker frequently mob other men who are will ing to take their place, calling them "seal" and other opprohloiia names. Boys follow their example by beating, or threatening to beat, their fellow who are willing to add to the family Income by Klcklug to their employ ment. If the worklngmeu win a strike lu Sew York or Huston, other are en-coiiragi-d to go on it atrlke. If the newalHiy and mmsoiiger boy of OU city stop work for better pay, the strike epidemic spreads straightway nuioiig the boya In all cities. It's an old saying that boys will be boys, aud It I equally true that bo; a want to be mid do like other boya. While a boys' atrlke last, however. It la usually a lively one. The spirit of gregarlouaueaa lu the boy na ture Inaurea this. Wbat one boy doc all tbe hoys will do or want to do, and when all the messenger or newslsiys are on atrlke and preventing other bojn from doing their work, there will le plenty of life, a good deal of mis chlff aud some destruction going forward. The I'nlted States weather bureau haa published the rcNtilt of Investiga tion It haa made aa to the value of property destroyed and the number of lives lost In this country, by lightning, for a series of nine years. The records are reasonably complete and the allow ing I a curious aa It Is Interesting. In the laat nine year .'111! person have la-en killed annually by light ning, but of all the year considered that of Is'1"' was the most disastrous, I'J1', persous having lost their Uvea lu that manner. iJist yenr thu mortality waa att7. and In tl litlre nine yeara the average number killed was live to each million of population. Fatalities are less frequent lu cltle and thickly settled localities and moat common In agricultural sections of tbe country. Of the states having most deaths from this cause Ohio takes the lead, the average being 'J I for each loo.ooo persons engaged lu farming. The greatest proportion of fatal strokes Is found In the Missouri valley, tbe great plains and lu the region of the Rock Mountains. Last year I.Wkl building were destroyed or damaged by light ning, which Involved a loas estimated at ll.tH0.gQ0. r other properly lost the report mentions ;i rattle, KM horses, !I0 mules, lit! pigs, 4'Jtl si p. the estimated total value of which waa flV-.VT. Tills makes the total los of properly 11,486,187, caused by only 710 lightning strokes. It la alaled that so far aa the bias of life Is coui crued, practically all the fatalities take place lu the live montha from April to Sep tember, most of thOU Is-lng lu June ami July Tbe report says that much of the damage caused by lightning III the agricultural districts might be avoided by "grounding wire" at proper distances along lines of wire fences, "which are dentil traps to stock, the fatal shock liclng Inflicted often through the medium of the wires at a considerable distance from the polut bit." HERE'S A BIO PAIR. Two Ileum low Kentucky llahlea Th it Weigh III). I l-ouml.. Two of the most remarkable children ever lairn lu Kentucky are those of Mr. and Mrs. C. I.. Cartmlll, of Owlngsvllle. They are Dtttl May, aged ft, weight 180 p.. mills, and Willie, aged I, weight '.'In pounds. At birth the elder weigu- r ATTKst miM IN KUtTUCKT ed S and the younger 7. They began to grow In about a week's time and grew so rapidly that people for tulle came to see them. Doctor aud iclelitlat from everywhere where llielr rapid growth was known came to study them. They are perfectly healthy, but steep more than half (he time. Mr. and Mrs. Cartmtll are people of ordinary site. Mr. Cartmlll Is quite tall, but his weight Is not more than 100 pounds at any time. He Is a huckster, and although he attempts to reduce them by dieting they continue to grow despite bl effort. HE IS RICH, YET POOR. JAMES HCALEY, THE CATTLE KINQ OF NEW MEXICO. Is Worth 01,000,000, and II 01OO, OOO la Yearly Income, Yet II Llvee iii. Hiaapla and Arduous Life of Mexican Cattl Harder. A man wbo doesn't know wbat to do with bl money la somewhat of au anomaly, but Jauie Henley, of New Mexico, wbo Is worth 11,000,000 and whose annual Income la 1100,000, Is such a person. II' aley la nn extra ordinary man. whoso counterpart can scarcely be found anywhere. II.- possesses land, cattle and copper p r 0 P r t lea well worth far above n million nny day In j a mrs iiKAi.cr, the week, yet bo live In a rude board shanty Hint could be duplicated for two. out of bis an nual Income of $100,000 In- spend less than $000 of It on hliiiaelf. lie own thousand of acre of land In the fertile spots of New Mexico, and still he live no better not even so well than a good part of tbe Ignorant Mexlcnna he employs to In lp herd bis cuttle. .laim llealey went to New Mexico from Texn. He was born lu Scdnlln, Mo., In 1N.IS. n iM with bla parents went to Auatln, Texas., lu 1KT0. He has al ways lived on tbu plains and has no knowledge of any other life. He never than Jive out of the twenty-four hour and I often lo tbe aaddle or In tbe cor ral for two daya aud night at a time. In tneae later year, when be baa be come o rlcb. be ha several vaqueroa ala.ut blm alwaya at night lu tbe lonely mountain, where It would uo trick nt all for bandlta to perpetrate some crim inal design upon tbe wealthy cattle man. Frequently the old mnn will roll In a blanket alougaide the amp fire on the range for tbe night, and with a sup per on cracker and cheese or ladled I., ana will go to sleep until the earliest streak of daylight. lieu he will get up and go to work again. Ho la by oo means a miser, for he ha several time mad.- flftl of IWWO and fi.ix) to bla vnqueros, whom be like. I .ist Chrlatmas he decb-d to a tmsn on bla range a bunch of prim- 4 year old steers that were worth Sly. and be gave all In bis employ a ten or a twenty-dollar gold piece. Ho make tils li. idquarter and DOOM In a pine shan ty on tbe aoutheru end of bla great range, about thirty live mile north west from OtrfDoi itatlon, on too Santa Fe route. Tbere In- sleepo In a rude bunk built against the wall and abOftl are two other bunks, where a friend or a trusted vaquero sleep occasionally. Fruical In Ills Hiiendltnres. Henley cooka hi own food, but some times he ha a c..wl.oy help blm nt cooking. A lot of burnisl black kettles. a bur 1 skillet, mid a grimy old coffee pot and a few battered puns, chipped dishes, and decrepit knives and fork on n greasy table tn-ar the tove all tell what eort of meals this unusual mil lionaire partakes of. He ha never seen a drama, beard a concert, or anything theatrical or oper atic alnce ls7n, and then In El Paso. About once a mouth, when tbere la uo MH.I.IONAlIti: HEAI.EY'S SI MMER HOME. A Hi ti Compliment. "Frederick Douglass told me," saya, a writer In Harper s Magaxltie, "that, In spite of his long experience, be never could entirely rid blttMU of stage fright. Dining tbe first fifteen min utes wheu I face au audience,' be said, ui kucea will knock together.'" W ben he got fairly Into hi subJiH-t. however, this uer ousiiess, which all speaker bae sometimes felt, paasul away. He put hi point well In any argument, and hi eloquence wa of a high order. Ills tribute, lu one sent em v. to Abraham Lincoln I au uniurpMMd compliment. "Mr. I.bicolu," he saUl, "I tbe ouly white mail luto whole presence 1 was ever ushered who did uot make me feel that I wa a negro. - Death Aiuong Women. Tbere I ouly oue (uddett death among women to eight among men. Tbe proposal lu a love story I to a girl wbat tbe pie at a dluner U to a boy. went to school but three years mid that waa on the plains of Teias. Hut be waa born with rare MgaeJtJi a DOCOlUUI order ihrtWdUW that reads men nt a k-lance ami knows a KhMMr Instinct ively. His chief toek In trade 1 au Iron MMMtltoUon and a bravado nerve that made blm well known on the fron tier before be wn 'JO. He became vaquero lu Texa when he was 17 yeara old. Ills associates have been Mexican vaqueroa, American cow boys, hardened characters ou the border and half breed Indiana. Mart of the Healer Fortune. When the Navajis-a were moved by tbt p eminent to Southern New Mex ico In the latter 'iSoa, Jim llealey mid other vaqueroa went northward with little bands of cattle and aeltled on tracts of laud close to the Arizona ter ritorial line. That was the beglutilng of tbe llealey fortune, lu a few years be had several hundred head of steers. Then be had several thousand. He sike the Spanish tODgtM aa well as bis own, and no American knew tbt border ami Ire rude ways so well as Jim llea ley did. With furl her sales of cattle be bought more land. So be baa kept on buying laud, trading for cattle and water rlghla, ooena'oually dabbling In sheep aud wool until be haa become more than a millionaire. I'p to twenty live years ago Henley's solo unnecessary expense was gapj bllng. There are still tales In ancient Sania l-V of the times when Jim Henley returning from a Ctttl drive to Trini dad and Port Dodge, used to alt Iii a faro gaine for forty debt hour at a stretch and lose or win $7.otai or $s,issi nt n sitting. One night he saw the faro dealer give a llgulflctnl w Ink to a pro fessional player alongside llealey and from that moment he quit the tablea. He haa bad bla upa and dow ns In cat tie, the aatne as all other cattlemen. In the griNlt freeze of 1S7S lie lost the greater part of n herd that reprooonted some llatVOOO, At another time be lost over $60,000 worth of cattle by rOaOOl) of a lung plague and the Texaa cattle fever. Tbe fearful depreciation In cattle and rnngea, which act In at about lv.si and culminated In 1808, ruined many a cat tleman, but Henley not only bun,; to bl herds aud sold Ills cattle at little or DO profit for six or seven HKCOOlltl yoera. but be added to his range by purchase of hind from dliCOUraged men who abandoned the Industry. Per three year he ha lavti selling his steers at topnotch price, and he Is the fore most cattleman In New Mexico. Klch In DbVV I'roi.erly. The pivscnt marvelous boom In cop per has also added to Henley's riches. Twenty years ago when be was In El Paso, Texaa, with a herd of cattle he met an old companion of his youth on the Texas border, The old friend bad turned proapeetor and had been among the Dragoon mountains In Southern Arlaolia. Among the mineral propvr tUsa he had located was a copper claim, the Hanger by mime, llealey la seldom tOUChod by the sentimentality of friend ship, but this time his friend told such a talc of distress that llealey gac ti I til outright ftgOO for two thirds of the cop per claim. At different times Healej wa persuaded to put J'.HSi ami $,tt)ii more to hold bis share of the proper! v legally Intact, lu tsoj the mine begun to pay, and when HOuJej got $7,ii for one-third the mine, he thought tils re maining third was worth holding. When copper roae to cent, a pound In 1807 llealey got OMM $1,000 a month from tbe Hanger, and since copper has risen to IS slid W .-ents. lie has bad be Iw Ml W.tHSi and $3,W0 a month profit from It. HI vaquero say they believe the millionaire must la- made of steel. He ba boon a phi sloloKlcal t-aiu engine ' for over thirty rive vears 11,. Ili.rllr! kuow no ret Ue usually sleep U s work Jim llealey can busy himself nt. and he feola In the mood, then the cat tle king will get out a throe-gallon Jug of claret (Which he buya from the half breed Indians) and produce several yel low paper packagco of cheap tobacco, and he and several aasm-late will sit and tell ItOTleO cither about a camp Are or In the cabin for a few hours. Hut that's the end of the cattlemnu's dissi pation. No one can Induce blm to have another taste of It In lea than three or four weeks. King; or Stowaway. The steamship I.tickawannn brought Into Philadelphia recently a boy who la probably the most famous atowaway on the Atlantic. The fact that the cap tain of the Lackawanna bud Involun tarily carried blm thrice across tbe sea la a fair test of his ability to secrete himself, na ou each occasion the vessel has b i thorough searched before leaving Liverpool. Edward Murphy I only IB years old. He balls from Illrk cube, 'id. England, and has never had a home other than the gutter of the world' largest city can afford. He be gun the stowaway business some years ago. when lesa than lo. ami has made a great succesa of It. He has visited most of tbe shipping ports of the At lantic, and ninny South American ami African countries beeldea During the past year be lias traveled from Llver mmi1 to New York, to Santos, t0 Ho sarlo, lo Argentine Republic, to the Harbadoes, to Southampton, to Liver pool, to Philadelphia He Is known to every lUpptf who anils from London, and as a rule Is n favorite with oftleers and men. CuptaJn Wytte, of tbe Lack' aw anna, thinks ao much of him that be b is offered lo adopt blm, but Mur phy cannot give up bis roving Ufa, if he can escape from the Lackawanna -00 board which ship. In accordance, with the law which requires every sea captain to pay a flue for foreigners brought to America without money, be Is closely confined he will probably beat bis way acros America anil "ship" on some Pacific collier, as be has always expressed a desire to go to tbe Klondike. Corrected In Rhyme, Thnckerny waa much postered by the autograph hunter, aays ll,.,Mcr In bla "BecoUectlona." He disiiki-d tbove nil things to write lu an autograph album, ami often refused those w ho asked hint to do so. and some tlm rather brusque. It. On oue occasion the owner of an album, a young lady, waa fortunate. Thackeray took her hook to his room lu order to look It over. Written ou a page he found these lines: tlOM BlaM l the monarch of mountains; They crowned htm long ago; But w ho they lot to put it oo Nobody seellia to know, Allien Smith. ITnler these lines Mr. Thackeray wrote: A Datable Suggestion. 1 know that Albert wrote lu hurry; To etitldae I scarce presume; But ret Mthlukt that Llndley Murrav. Instead "f "who," had written whom -W. M. Thackeray. Carrier PtgoosM Armed. In China carrier pigeons are protect ed from birds of prey by apparatus con slating of bamboo tiilH-s fastened to the birds' laalles. As the pigeon flies the action of the air passing through the tubes produces shrill whltllng sound which keeps the bird of prey at a distance. 1 w ry one has a right to be a little foolish; It Is the luherllauee of every one. But curb the disposition all you H you ccompllb anythtug In tbi life, you will have no time to atUud committee meetings. SHE WEARS TROUSERS. Orl.ln.l Chaasplon of Hlooasers Mill Wears 'Km. Miss 8uan Fowler, tbe original . i. !......... an article uf champion oi uioviuc - feminine apparel. If not the Inventor of tbe custom, still wears tbe mannish costume about her farm near Vlnelaud, i... rii.llv life. N J In me course ui She 'is 75 year of age. but a wonder fully well preserved old lady aud a Atn.., aud Interesting, despite her rrotesiiue garb, as many a younger . ..... 1 1 e r.-o, ..iik- woman Iter aciivu ii able, and day by day she attends to ber Vp'Iae? Miss si SAN rowi.KH. duties about the farm, even to the ex tent of taking a baud lu tbe plowing when help Is short-handed. Miss Fowler bus worn bloomers for over six yeurs. and says she will never wear anything else. She says they are not In tbe slightest degree Immodest, and do not lessen a woman' feminin ity. She believes In woman' rights, but Is not an advocate of woman's suffrage. She believes In matrlmony In short, In nothing but her costume realizes the general Idea of a new woman. Miss Fowler has had mnny offers of marrlogc, the latest from a Western farmer, twenty years her Junior. She cut short the courtship, however, by offering to be a mother to blm. jpllifii George W. Cnble, whose recent lec ture tour of England was so very suc cessful. Intends to make another visit to England this summer. Anthony Hope, though he considers a college education a great help to an author, does uot regard It as a ueccs slty, even to a writer of only average ability. Oeorge Brandea, the Danish critic, says that Ibseu recently gave him nn odd reason for liking Buaala. "Their splendid system of oppression," said the dramatist, "engenders such n love of liberty." Tbe rewards of literature are fre quently disappointing, but tunny a worker lu other branches of activity would be satisfied to leave his family the $1-10.(100 bequeathed by the novel ist. William Black, to bll wife and chil dren. Colonel John A. Joyce le writing to the papers from Washington to malu tuln bis claim to the authorship of the poem which has been sometimes, nnd perhaps generally, credited to Ella Wheeler Wilcox. In which occurs the tllne: ' Laugh, and the world laughs with you." A former worker on the Itilliimiaitls Journal lu reminiscent mood, referring to J. Whltcomb BUey, the poet, says: "l can remember when BUey, with hi smooth, boyish face, slender figure, chid lu sacerdotal garb, used to come around the office and sit on my desk and dash off nonsense verses in that same copper-plate, microscopic hand writing that be uses to-day. 'Llge Hal ford, President Harrison's private sec retary, aud now n major lu the United Btatea army, w as the editor, nnd It used to be BUey! chief delight to submit some of his most meaningless Jingles to llulford for the editorial page. The Major spent many a weary hour trying to comprehend them. "You'd better draw a diagram to go with this," he would say. Then a shout of laughter from tbe boys would show blm that there was a Joke loose somewhere, aud he would retire luto his office to avoid If An Krrand of Mercy. Don't kill the long-winged Insect known ns the devil's darning needle because Its appearance Is uot prepos sessing. It comes In March of mos quitoes ou which It feeds, and It de serves a hearty welcome nnd would have I very thing Its way If It were more generally known what Its mission Were. That other Insect which looks like a magnified mooqolto comes for the same purpose, and w hen you kill It. you aid the destroyers of your own comfort Why He Waa Anarry. Mr. Pegau. the oratorical antl-llquor member of the New South Wales Leg islative Assembly, was lately made very angry by a mlspriut. The Adel aide Critic reiavrts the fact. "Whisky makes men genial for a time." said Fegan In a speech. The next day he read, and his constltueuts rend, in the Official report of the debate, "Whisky makes me genial for a time." CaoBK or Stage Frlvht. An Mtpert has arisen to explain that stage fright really comes from a disor dered stomach. He argues from this thai persona meditating public appear ances should la? careful of tbelr diet aud adhere to regular habits. Without Liquor. There Is a district lu Liverpool Inhab ited by 00,000 people where Intoxl catlug liquor canuot be bought HUMOll OF THE WEEK STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. No man ever hears a woman's sincere opiulous until be has told her be love her. and been told In return that sb wives blm. (Mid, Carloaa and Laaahable Phaae ml llnasao Nature tlraphlcalljr Por trajad by KaaUant Word Artlata at Oar Own Day A liudgel of Vum. ,.i inr l mi miirb disappointed I wit. . , - - - In you," suld Mr. Bullion, sternly, eye- ' - . . , i c ....... Ihg Ills eldest sou, wuo iiau couic u",i from college In disgrace. "I never ex Mctad you to amount lo anything." "Xo," responded the young man, with a sort of feeble resentment. "I haveu't bad a good a tnrt In life as you bad. You were a sior boy. with every In ducement to make somebody of your self, and I am nothing but a rlcb mau's sou."-Chlcngo Tribune. l.nvr'a Imposition. "Why. darling." exclaimed the pretty bride of three weeks, as she rushed to embrace her husband. "How good It was of you to skip baseball once and come home early. You're Just too sweet." And he accepted It all without saying a word about there being uo game. Delrolt Free Press. 1 1. cr "I 'I Taste. "Is your husband musical. Belinda T" "No, Indeed. He likes tunes." A Welsh S7 Mutter. "Dasher didn't weigh his chances when he went Into that enterprise." "And yet he peculated ou u lnrge scale." Moousblue. Got It llad. First servant glrl-I believe I am be coming afflicted with insomnia. Second servant girl Why so? First servant girl Here lately when the missus calls me to get up I can't drop off to sleep agalu.- Ohio State Journal. Conldn't Hold Himself Dp. Mrs. Jaggs (time 2 a. m.) What In the world kept you oo lute? Mr. Jaggs W-why ihlc) iu' dear. Jus' as I was comln' (hie) 'long Brunt shing know d was held up by shlx or sbeveu high way m'u ou (bid darksh street. Mrs. Jaggs Well, It's a good thing they happened to be there to hold you up. You never could have done It your-Bclf. A Hopelesa Cuar, "Has Oeorge ever hinted that he had thought of you as a possible wife?" asked the anxious mother. "No," replied the girl, a far-away look In her eyes, "aud I'm nfruld he never win." "Why," said the mother, "I thought " "It doesn't matter what you thought, mamma, dear." Interrupted the (laugh ter. "Only last night he complained of feeling drowsy and it wasn't 0 o'clock." On th- Wrntic Track. The Statesman- What do you think of the race problem? Tbe Rounder Can't say. Haven't seen to-day's entries." Worila of Wlalont. "Our naval oflloers ought to adopt Budyard Kipling's formula for good health." "What's that?" "Keep your pores open nnd your mouth shut."-Detroit Free Press. A Kay of Hope. Servant- Sir. I can no loneer staml it to live with tbe mistress uud have giv en tier notice. Tbe lord of creation (anxlouslrinr you think that will do any good?-Meg- genuorrar uiaetttr. All Women Can, "You used to snr." said Mr t... !,,. as he adgad away from the threatening brooui-haudle, "that 1 was tbe greatest oargaiu you ever got." "Yes, nnd I will show von that I ,- ,,, strike a burgalu, too," retorted bis bet ter tiair. Malned. City niece The w ludo church ure stained. Aunt Alll't Mint n ..It S-.a , !") V.HU i tuey get nothing to take them off? An Awrul Kline Mrs. Styles- I'd have you understand that I kuow a imoil nuns . - - j ..uiae uieu than my husband. Mrs. Myles My dear, you must be uiore na rl leiibi r fili.,iit i..i.i r . ,'..inK your uc- qualutanees.-Cluclnnatl Enquirer. Pllahtly Chanel. Rudolph-Two young gentlemen wish to meet two young ladles with a view to matrimony. Money uo object. How wilt ibat do. me lord? ltupert Money no objection. That sounds better. Heady for Luncheon. I was going to ask you to tako uncheon with me today." Md ou board of trade man to another, "but Slims says he bs Invited you Sorrv he got In ahead of me." "What time do you lunch?" "At U" i""?m flortunt'- 8"m lake. hi. at 12. 1U be with you.'-Detrolt Free I rvaa, ... rr lie tat breakfast, ,.r- per say, there wa qui,. block earl, tbi. mrnln,' ftS posed to have been the work w ceudlary." She-Well, don't let nult ' that worry you." ttibj, He She building It. Why. what do you B In j "la I'redlc. i,, "1 see." said the affaM, ft you occasionally drop Dto "No," answered th. ,WZT21 "I don t drop Into p,.,rv ,.,; nto it bv th.- " -i nine if - u. Th. llo.a. In? Rlrnnger-I. the mater 0f t, Man New under bed v.. i. York Journal. ' "l Weaving ., .pen He-I am rather n f.1Vor(. Kngllsl, than tbe American ni? sp' Illng. She-Yes? He-Yes. Indeed. Take 'parloo, ,. Instance; having V , ImU( The American Plan, Smith-Are you gs t0 ,', .laughter to marry that 0Z young dude? """I Brown- I haven't decided yet u fact. I don't know ,., ' u u tor I going to allow lo thing to say about It M-d "iTTr,.,,,., There Is one thing ,-ou , ,0 member. Remus, ind that 1 that W osty Is the Is'st Millcy.' "1 done year fokes Wy ,hat how sah. but f,.' merself rj ra(I(ll.r u udder kllie. "-Boston Courier. Thought It Wa, , tKmtX Ofmm. Mistress- How wn n you wert n lata this ruing? Dldu t y0g your alarm clock Maid I did. mem; but I tbotfit I bad only dreamt It. nnd ltaav off ogain, mem."- Huston Trustna. Uullautrjr. Wheelwomnn (to an ailinlwrt-Ts striH-ts are very quiet to day, liaroi Baron How can It be otherwla madam, when angels are pedalhg nrouud. Meggeiidorfer Illaetter. A Cake Walk. "Have you an agreeable boirJln house?" "Yes, wo have; every mornlog have a cuke walk." "Cake walk? What's that?" "Why, the first man at the table gets the hot onea." Detroit Free "reM. Unite a Pud No wail irs. "Is Agulnaldo dead or Isu't ber de mAnded the observant boarder. "I'm afraid uot," replied the other boarder, "I think be has contnotd the deathless dying habit, like the l peror of China." Pltteburg CbwtloV Telegraph. Hen. t ly. "I see they made a lion of IB over In Loudon." "Yes, he reminds oue of a lion. "In what way?" , "Wears bis hair long aud lis. to A Valuable Hook. NMihi l.nru la a hook!" elClilBWl US seedy man, as be dashed luto tbe tan er's prtvute otllce. "Don't want uo books!" grunted UB banker. "But this Is one you can't help being Interested In." . "Huven't time to rend books, nnd-- "But I am sure you will take " book," persisted the needy '"u- "Look here, sir, do you Intend W leave this room, or must I " "Don't need to call tbe Janitor; m go. This Is your book, though, "My book?" . u a "Yes. your pocketbook. 1 feuw " " the hall." Theu he vanished. I la Poaltlon. "Me ould mon au' yer oulo W fought solde be solde. l.arry. "Mabe they did, Dluny; bul Oil'"" me ould mon wus ou top." An BoOtvIO Cellar Torch. An electric cellar torch ba recin been hventfd In Ureal Britain, D admit of many uses. The Inventor the son of a physician, and Ognlaed that the principle ot bll er's laryngoscope might be rery applied to commercial purposes: hi experlmeut based on this '' suited In the production of 4 1 ' w oilorless and reliable appliance ror thorough examination of ',r e ensks aud vats, cans, etc. It of an electric lamp coveted ' w glass protector, and It Is secured a . end of a handle through wb i B 1U sulateil wire Is carried. A imall BW Is provided; this folds Inward win touches the side of the cask ,,r ' thus reflects the Interior In such a that It may be thoroughly exauimeo- Machine to Cure Stanimeri" In a Peunsylvanlans device ror cure of summering a pair of metallic plate are conuectisl by s row ni-ck and lient Into close pre -Ity to be placed on either iWa tongue, the neck having an aU screw to clamp tbe plate In '