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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (April 22, 1899)
JT f)e$perate Expedient. K gOBCST BUCHANAN mil I the same conversatlon-both thin after- DlH uii bis old liachelor uucle one afternoon In answer to a note. mi uot In a particularly pleasant f 'iui1- A be rflD " MtblDkiOl "t.at a very weary world ., i. I. fr yun edWa geutleuiuu Lt ba. not eno.. of hl. worm;. mods to fell justified In asking ih T . -..i m the world, laid Hum lovelleai PS u.bereu Into tbe library, how Jpr he anawercd bla uncles greeting uii a cneery a nod aa he could roan Igf. tbe two being really fond of each -Well. Robtft" aald the old gentle man (retting down to buatneas at once. -I want to talk to you about your med leal practice; how li It progressing?" 1 am glad to be able to Bay that progressing' Is tbe right word, Uncle Tom. but It la slow." "Of course It Is slow; what else did yon lipoctl Lets see. you have been bark from tho university three years?" "Yea. sir." "Now, I will tell you what the trouble li: you need a wife. You must marry and aettle down." "1 bare known that for some time," Dr. Bucbaunu gloomily assented. "Have you? That Is a good sign. When a man knows what be wants be ta half -way on the road to Its posses ikin. Why don't you get you a wife?" "Money I" said Dr. Buchanan, brief ly. "Vou mean lack of money, I suppose? Now, bow much would you coualder Deecaaary?" "With Jio.000 and my practice for that la aiire to Increase I would feel safe iu making tbe venture." "Yea. that ought to start you. I sup pose you haven't picked out the girl vet? Now, 1 am golug to make you an offer. The day you tell me some nl, aenslble girl has promised to marry .rou I will give you my check for , $10,000. along with my blessing. What do you any?" "I any It Ib a go," and Robert grasped bis uncle's band. "tcry good, but that Is not all. or rourse, my boy, I do not want to Inter-1 fere In your affairs, but you kuow Euld Humphrey, of course?" "Yes." "Well, her mother and I were great friends; It amounted to a deal more on My part, and that la your old uncle's Mmnnce. Now, my boy, I could not ft the mother, but If you, my nephew, ihould happen to get the daughter I ihutild be very glad and Robert, not meaning to use any undue Influence, you understand, I would make that Check, say $23,fJ00." Robert seized hla uncle's hand and Worked It up and down 500 to tbe min ute, hla face I .earning with delight and gratitude. 'Tnrle Tom," he gasped, "you are a brek of purest ray Berene. You alt right down and (HI out that check, and 1 will he back for It In twenty minutes," and he was gone. "Lord bless my soul!" said the aston lalicd old gentleman. "I was evidently mlalaken about his not having yet pick ed out a girl." Twenty minutes after leaving his ancle's house he was sitting by her aide, au engaged man and one of the happiest In the universe. He told her the exnet day and minute when he first knew he loved her, she reciprocated, all as bliss. Finally Robert declared that he must p. "You see," he said, "I have a very Important engagement with Uncle Tom. In fact, my dear," with a grin, "It Is a matter of 'bread and butter for two.' " "I don't understand." "Of course not; women never do un derstand that part of It But I am folng to clinch that very necessary ad junct to matrimonial happiness this very afternoon. "What on earth are you talking tbout. It-Robert?" "It Is very simple. About an hour ago Uncle Tom made me an offer; promised to give m a check for I'Ju.OOO the Instant that I could tell him that ou had promised to be my wife." "Oh, Indeed I" "Yes, real clever In the old boj, wasn't It?" aald Robert, with a dim Perception that somebody bad blun- uereu. "Very clever, Indeed. And very clever in you to take gucb quick advantage JO generoua an offer." ""'hy. great goodness " Hut you are not so shrewd," abe hur "1 on, -in telling me so soon of the great Inducement that brought you noon. I nu t you ? And you know why I tried to stop COmlng; ben'. I could not aak you to marry me. and without that could I honorably tell you of my love? As for Annie lteuuelt. I haven't laid eyes ou her for two " That will do. Dr. Huehanan." said Kuld, rising, "you uoed not try to ex plain any further. I take back my promise; all Is over between us for ever!" and Bho could not hold back the sob In her throat. Miserably enough, Robert picked up his hat and passed out Into tbe hall. With his baud on the street door he paused. He muttered, "It la now or never; I'll risk It." Wboil he re-entered the room Kuld was standing before the mautel. "Knld," he liegan, humbly, "forgive me If I say one more word. 1 cannot leave you In this way. I was so astouuded at what you were saying that I forgot another offer my uucle made me." He pumed. but she did not help blm. Robert contiuued: "He named nuother girl, and said that If I would marry her he would give me 100,000." "Oh!" ,.4 "Yes, he really did." "And who who waa the other girl?" "Well, Knld, I was so overjoyed at tbe offer about you that 1 rushed off here without waiting to hear the rest here litis afternoon." "Knld. dear " Miai ' iaa Humphrey, If yoy please. Dr. Puchaunn." "Ion t be sarcastic and angry. You that I love you; that for two years I ave ot Und a thougut but r .vou and of you. Thla offer of my ancle a waa made In the kindest spirit. FJ km'w that my practice waa not suf Htnl to Justify me In speaking to any P of marriage, and like the dear old Pow that be Is. he came to my rescue. M had previously offered me $10,000 "ttlo down with any one. and then "cause lie bad once loved your mother, d i-ecause he admires you so very "fen. he afterward said that he would "Wo It $15,000 If I could get you." "Ohr put In tbe girt, rapidly, "you J candor personified. That explalus fully why you have so seldom come ar me during the last few months, hen you were free to choose whom you would, but now, on receipt of this "'ger offer an hour ago. as a premium or choosing me. you hasten back to fy aide. s,me other girl Annie Ben tt, for Instance must feel almost as Blhly complimented as I do." "Knld: Enwr cried the nnhappy doc tor, "you are trying not to understand, lacle Tom made the offers at the same the otter one first, bat both In adssMMt AM) WUO WUO Hit TUt OHIk.lt UIKl. of It; but as I slammed the front door. I think I beard him say 'Annie Ben nett.' " For a moment there waa another pause, Robert ventured to take the hand haugtng at her side. "Don't you think, Kuld," he said, pressing It between bis own, "don't you think that makes a difference?" And Enid said, very low, "Yes -I sup pose It does R-Rolert." Uncle Tom promptly filled out his check for $25,000. "Thank you, sir," said Rolert, as he folded and carefully placed it In his pocket-book, "and, Uucle Tom, If any one ever mcntlous this matter to you. be sure you do not forget that third offer you made me." Buffalo News. LONDON'S COSTLY QUESTS. Rig Mum Kinended In Kntertalnlns; lilnnltarira. When the city of London entertains distinguished guests It lavishes Its money, says the London Tit Bits, with a profusion more fitting nn Eastern po tentate than a body of thrifty city men. It Is, Indeed, no uncommon thing for the city fathers to spend ou tbe enter tainment of a guest much more than his own weight In gold, a compliment surely of which even emperors may be proud. The city was never moved to more prodigal hospltalBy than iu l-.v,, when It entertalued the Prince of Wales on his return from India. In honor of the "return of the wanderer" tho Lord Mayor and corporation spent $137,810, or sufficient sovereigns to outweigh two princes, even of his present ample pro portions. Nine years earlier the city was equally lavish, when It entertained the suit. in at a cost of $l23,o). In IM It cost the corporation i:;;. to wel come the Shah of I'ersla, althuugb lu tbe following year the C'tar was brill iantly entertained at a cost of nearly $15,000 less. Tbauksglvlug day cost the city $5, 005, or almost as much as the Cxar's reception; and the Jubilee rejolclnga of 1887 left tbe city poorer by 5N,o00. The Prince of Wales' wedding, thirty five years ago, wob the signal for n great display of city hospitality. The amount sieut lu entertainments alone was $3,200, aud. lu addltlou to rbls, the corporation spent $15.(W0 on the diamond necklace and earrings present ed to tbe Princess. When tbe Queen attended tbe Lord Mayor's banquet In 1837 the corpora tion spent $40,800 in entertaining her, aud the outlay, when she again honor ed tbe city fourteen years later," was $28,770. Thus, on nine entertainment alone, the city has lavished no less tnau $000,055, or au average of $74,340 for each guest. In contrast to this regal entertain ment, It Is Interesting to note that In 1727 George II. was entertained at a cost of $188; King Victor Kuimanuel, In 1855, for $0,000; and Mr. Stanley, eight years ago, for $7,755. The marriage of the Duke and Dtieh ess of York cost the city $1'J,240; lu 1891 the German Emporot was enter tsined for $18,820; the Shah, lu 18KJ. for $10,240; and the Klug of O.-nmork, In 18U3, for the very moderate sum of $8,825. It marks tbe unstable character of city hospitality that It cost to entertain n Kmoeror. a 8hab and a Kin? less than one-third the sum lavished on tUe Sultan In 1807. ELECTROCUTION Of A WOMAN. Mr, l i.,, r, tkt Viral am ,., n tha World to tilt In tha LUctrlc hair. The law la uot a respecter of skirts It uiakea Uo distinction of sex. The electric cbulr was uot made for lueu nloue. for the tututc which prescribes deuth a a penalty for dclllwrutc uiur der does uot say that Its provisions shall be luoperatlve If the criminal btppOM to he a woman. But the taw's machinery seems to vet out of sear w low a weutaa Is laroJvod. A sentiment that hos Its lueeptluu Is the purity of woman to held up to pro lect the most degraded of the sex. Are the f. male criminals of the lower classes, It Is argued that their very degradation precludes their realization nf the enormity of the offense; If of tbe educated and w ell to do, then It call- U"t bO that they would ktiowlllgly colli mlt the crime. Insanity Is pleaded In em use. Those Influences usually have the desired effect on Jurors it in 1 lie qulttal or a usually altogether Inad equate Is tbe result. Should tbe Jury fall to lie Influenced, then the higher courts me I the Governor's pardoning or commuting power are appealed to. At some one of these various stages the murderess usually to saved. only twice In fifty years have women been executed lu New York State. In both cases stienuous efforts were made to save them, but their crimes were so fiendish that mercy could uot bo sue ccsKfull.r Invoked In their behalf, These two weie Itoialana Druse, hanged in Herkimer In 1887, and Mar tini Pisco, whose execution at Sing Sing was the first infliction of the death penalty upon a woman In the electric chair. In the former ense the victim went sobbing, moaning and shrieking to the gallows. Her screams resounded 5UNRISE AND SUNSET CHART. MIIS. MAKTUA rt.ACE. through the Jail corridors. She feared dentil. Mrs. Place was different. Her death scene was lacking In sensational features. There w as no noise, no mani festation of terror. A plea for heaven ly mercy were the only words that broke the stillness of the death cham ber. Het exccutlou was no more re volting thun If the victim had been a man. But It bad unusual features, most notable of which was tbe presence of two women who had come upon the warden's request One was Dr. iennle Crltlln. of Troy, who accepted an In vitation bOCQOOO Gov. Roosevelt had said ili.it a woinnn physician should lie present, nud the other. Miss Mary Meury, of Brookly n, who had liefrlend ed Mrs. Place while lu Jail aud who witnessed the painful ordeal because the condemned woman wuuted her to be with bor to the Inst Mrs Place murdered her step-daughter In a most fiendish manner and made an almost successful attempt on tho life of her husband. She was convicted of murder iu the first degree and sen teiced to lie executed In August, 180$. Her execution wns stayed by an up peal to the i 'ei. 1 1 of a ppeaK for a new trial. It was denied and March 20 was set as the new date of her execution. Then from New Y'ork came a protest against tbe execution of n woman. Gov. Roosevelt was apealed to. He said If -be was Insane he would save her life and had a commlsslou appoint ed to examine her. They reported that she was snne aud Roosevelt said then the law must take Its course. Couldn't Hon Away. There are times In war when one ac tlve brain Is equivalent to a great mauy guns. Witness this Incident of the Ger man revolution of 1848, told to the Trlb unc by a German American cltlxen of New York: We were short of men, and uad a large nuuitxT of prisoners to look after. That did not worry us as long as we were not moving, but oue day wo hod to make a forced march. The country through which we were topass waa hoatlle. and extreme watch fulness wns necessary. We had few enough men as It was, and we knew that our prisoners were ready to run at tbe first opening. Finally a young officer made a bril liant suggestion, anil It was promptly carried out. We ripped the suspender buttons from the prisoners' trousers, took away their tielts, and knew we had them. Their hands were busy sfter that, and fast running wus out of the question. We made the march safely, and I do not lelleve that even Yankee Ingenuity could have Invented a simpler solution. LET US ALL LAUGH. OKES FROM THE PENS VARIOUS HUMORISTS. OF i'leasast Incldenla Occurring ha WurldUvrr Hajluua IBat Arel'harr- l to Old or Vnani - I i alrctlona that You Will I., )... Maggie Marie's engagement bas beeu broken off. Minnie Is that a fact? Poor girl! 1 aaw her sitting at the window as I came by. "Yes; she likes to sit at the window and admire the blen.gly phl.s she cut on the glass with the ring she iiad to send back.'' Yoiikers Statesman. Dot In l.atr. Mrs Timid Did you ever find a man Under the bed? Mrs Bluff Yes, the night we thought there were burglars lu the bouse. 1 found my husband there. DICI The accompanying chart, by w hieh. at a Klnnco. the time nf sunrtoe or or sunset fur any day lu the year can be u,ulckly accertaitird, la of Interest. Those who un derstand the use of dlugraum la general will appreciate Its handlness, w hile an ex planation will serve s double purpose with those who are not fully cogniasnt of the usefulness of such diagrams, showing uot only how to use this particular chart, but illustrating 000 uf the simplest methods of representing to the eye the rate and manner of Change of a varying quantity. Boppoos It Is ib-sinsl to know at what time the sun will rise on the 10th of May. First rind the slice of the chart murk. .1 May. The line dividing the April slice from the May slice is the tost day of April. The 10th of May will, therefore, be one third of the way over the May slice reckoning thirty days to the month. Tbe sunrise curve is marked "Sunrise"; concentric circles struck from the center of the chart are marked 3, 4, 5. tk 7 and 8; these represent hours; tbe space between every adjacent pair, as bttWOOO the 4 o'clock circle aud the 5 o'clock circle, is di vided into four tonal parts, each small spoCO represent Inn a quarter of sn hour, or fifteen minutes. That to all there is to the chart Itself. On the 10th of May, that third of the way over the May sln-c, a radial line will intersect the sunrise curve at a point just boyood the third quarter past the 4 o'clock circle, Indicating that on that day the ran will rise at kboot 4 47 a. in. The short radial Hues every third part of a sUco help to looatO "n internicbate date. No On Is at Law. "So old Mr. Splttlus is dead. I hear?" said Mrs. Snaggs to her husband. Yes." replied Mrs. Sunutts. "and your friend Mrs. Nortlisldc Is one of the heirs at law." There must be some mistake alsiut 1 1. at. for she told me that there would M no litigation whatever nlNiut the es tale." Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph, lilted. DESCENDED FROM A KINO. Wlaconaln Man Whoae Anrestrr Cora Hack to the I'okiinoket Indians. An American cltl7.cn descended from a king Is something of nn anomaly, hut the town of Chilton, Wis., boasts of such a character lu the person of Ste phen Nicholas. Ue Is descended from the famous Indian King Philip of the Pokanoket trlU- of Massachusetts, the warrior who gained such fame among the early settlers of the country, and the traits of his ancestors showed In the young man when be was lu his prime. Stephen was adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Moses Stanton when he wu b years old, aud wus brought to Wisconsin. He grew up a sturdy lad. and when 21 years of nge he was as perfect a sccl men of manhood as there could la found lu tlie country. Ills occupations and sports were such as to make him an athlete, and his endurance, tried iu long tramps through the forests with little to eat on the way, was sucrhu inan. He was fearless and Isdd as a Hon, shrewd and quick to act, and the cause which "Steve Nick" ChPjnpMDOd nlthough he Is au entirely competent man and has seen seven years of ser vice, frankly confesses that Hugh can Is at him In au off hand description of the Iron horse. Hugh's kuowledge of a locomotive to not the limit of his edu cation, as lie can tell the name of nearly every part of a United States liattleshlp at sight." DWARF BEASTS OF THE ORIENT. Sume Mldsrt Anluiala that Lira In llnr New I'oaseailona. Another freak boast which will excite curiosity lu our zoological gardens Is the tamaruu, u dwarf buffalo found In the forests of Mlndoro of the Philip pine group. It is a -muted form of tbe old world buffalo, not of the American bison. It sometimes occurs high up lu tbe mountain- It tunnels pathways through tbe thick bamboo covering the mountain sides above li.lSSI feet. Hunt i ts must go upon bands and knees to follow these trulls. The alsirlglnes nev or limit this little beast, being deathly afraid of It. The midget Philippine squirrel Is an other odd creature. It Is alsiut the slxe llt KINO Tlin civil. WAII. NICHOLAS AS iii LOOKS TO-tlAT. was sure to win If power, determina tion and bravery were factors In the fight. He was a crack shot with rltie and pistol and nn expert swordsman. When the civil war broke out he Joined Company D of the First Wiscon sin Cavalry and served creditably dur ing the struggle iu the rapacity of a scout. YOUNG ENGINEER. He- A l to k Chance. The discovery of the principle of the manufacture of satin was a pure acci dent The word "satin," which orlg Inally was applied to all silk stuffs. i,a since the last century, been used ' to designate simply those tissues which ! only proOOOt a lustrous surface. Tbe discovery was made by a silk weaver named Octavlo Mai. During a dull ' period of business one day he was ' pacing before his loom, not knowing 1 how to give a new Impulse to bis trade. I i. ,.. nnsscd the machine each time. he pulled some short threads from the warp, and, following an oiu tmmt, pui them into bis mouth and rolled them about, soon after spitting them upon the floor. I-ater he aiscovereo s nine 1..11 nt ,ilk udop the floor of bis shop, 1 snd was astonished at the brilliancy ! of the threads. He repeated tbe ex periment, and eventually employed various mucilaginous preparations, snd succeeded In giving satin to tbe I world. Wedlock rhymes with deadlock. You , can draw our own luference. a i mi, ThrYrar-lil with aaarkaula Knowledge Of linalnaa. Probably the youngest railroad engi neer In the world Is lltllOJ .'l yeurold Hugh Blchards of Laramie, Wyo. This Interesting little fellow resides with his grandfather. II. T. Richard the man ager of a hotel at Urtmlt, Mr. Itlch srds' profession Is that of a railroad en gineer and he has with great care In structed Ids grandson In hto beloved oc cupation. During an Interview with Mr. Blch ards the other day regarding hto youth ful pupil he said "Hugh was born In Chicago on July 13, 1K06, and OMTOd out here In February last. The photo graph shows Hugh and hto engine. She isoneof the Union Pacific monsters, No. 100, and Is used on the mountain grades Mt on nu iiabos. of this country. No. 100 to sble to mount Sherman hill with ease, pulling s heavy train. Tbe summit level of this mountain to 8.240 feet shore ses level. However, he has only the Judgment of s child of his age and might fall asleep or become tired at bis post, so he ac companies tbe regular engineer, who. of n mouse, has legs longer In prOfMf Hon than those of the ordinary squirrel, larger eyes and rounded ears. A large brown rat, gray underneath and with n squirrel-like head and eyes, hut black, cord like tall, Is of still greater Interest from nn evolutionary point of view. It Is discovered to to' tbe last link ii.s-d.st to complete the phalli of relationship between the true rat and the water rats. A wild pig. dignified by the name of "Sua celebeiisls Philippine nsls," to found throughout the whole Philippine group. It Is exceedingly exclusive dur lug the day, when It hides In the for ests, but sallies gay ly forth during the night Into the native maize aud rice fields, where It iIim-s much damage. The natlTM cull this badly behaved pig Babul." At Batumi, of the Philippine group, Is found a chevre tnln, or "mouse deer," a tiny little pigmy, as cunning as a fox, aud which when snared feigns death until (Nod, when It leaps up like a light nlng flash and takes to the forest, bnv lug the iBOipdrloncOd trapper In great surprise. The Philippines also contain civets, wildcats, porcupines, lizards, snakes and nllgators. The "cbaeon," one variety of alligator, Is prized by the natives as affording Immunity against death by earthquake shock. Prof. I lean C. Worcester, lately sp pointed a mombof of the Philippine rom mission, has submitted to tin Smithsonian au extensive report umiu the ornithology of these Islands, where he risently counted no less than different species of birds. Notable among these are some lieaiillful little parakeets, cockatoo, iiiouud builders born billl and Jungle fowls. The last named are the principal game birds ol the group. The natives tame the horn bills and keep them as pets. The only Important food fishes of the fresh water of the Philippines are species of catflsb slid arp Washington Star. Occasionally a woman manages a husband successfully by letting blm think be Is doing It himself. Man's lnhnmanllr. "1 don't see why It is tbst humanity must suffer lu this way for the grstlfl- ...1 leu uf others. Why to It that so lit tle consideration should be stiowu to the wishes and comfort of people who have to do things so as to get money? I in ojansasjotdV' "What's the matter?" "My employer wou't let me off to go nnd enjoy myself watching a six day bicycle race. It must be exciting by this time. 1 hear that some of tbe riders are so fagged out that they go to sleep ou their wheels." Washington Slur. Hard Lack. yy M is Butcher Would you like a nice cured ham. madam ' Mrs. Newlfe Cured. Indeed! ln you snpis.se I want n hnm that's DOM sick? -New York World. Spooks trarlcs. Ipooho SMHlkS Speckc rrnviiklna. Dreams always go by cou- I'm glad that's so. Why? Well, you sec, 1 bad a won derful dream last night. spo..i,s Tell us wbut It was. BpoekO I dreamed you didn't return that ten you borrowed of me. Boston Courier. Another Name for It, Slilllll.M III iii.ir u ir.i leillolld of vnltr I - " .," . - . J ... . g w w. typewriter, Snaggs? o Ul... .1 . . I I. - .. .. .. niuigga cine uiicsil i allow l lime one. "How Is thut?" cine iinneti me annul 111 J lypsWSBUS one day and I told her I managed to get along with a stationery engineer.'' - Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. OvcrKierlln. Kind lady How did you bccouio so lame? Tramp Overexertion, mum. Lady Indeed. In what way? Tramp Movlu' on every time a po II. email tole me. New York Weekly. Castaway- DIs Is tough. Three days u I. lout a bite, ami den ills Imix of nsik iNsiks washes ashore!Clnclunatl En quirer. Not a Minute. "You lost a good deal of time from your business by golug to war, dldu't you?" 'Yes," answered the man who volun teered, "but I doubt w hether 1 lost any more than some of the people who dldu't go have lost arguing over It." Washington Star. Chlldllka and lit I Mamma You must be very good dur- lug l ent, Tommy. roniiny Why, Is Santa Claus com lug again st Faster? Puck. I'anahl. Mr. Truax - The one who can say "no" lu such a way as to make a per son feel under obligations Is the oiiu that wins lu this world. Miss Wobbslelgh I suppose so, hut of course she must say "yes" after she has lieen properly teased He thought hard for a few mlnutea nud then decided that there waa uo way out of It. No Plant In Mlm. "What's (be matter between you and your Heights. rV" "Tiki Insipid. There's a man you couldn't get Into au argument If you told him that be Inspired the Dsrwln liiu theory." Detroit Free Press. Mercenary Keflnenant. "Ilemember," said Agulualdo to his band uf braves, "that we are uot sav ages. If any of you takes a prisoner, be sure to avoid uiiythlug which may cause you to be classed with the Amer ! an Indian." "Wbut do you mean?" "Ilnti't scalp the man Beach for hla pocket book." Washington Star. A Matter of Itoubt. "I understand," said tbe morbid spectator, "that the prisoner Is show ing wonderful nerve." "I don't know." answered the cynical lawyer, "whether he to showing won derful nerve or whether he simply lacks Intelligence enough to kuow wbeu It Is time to be scsred." Wasblngtoo Stur. A Terrlbta Habit. Wife John, you have a very annoy lug habit of saying "What's that?' ' whenever you are siHikeu to. Can't you break your self of It? Husband (reading) Kb -what's that? Tit-Bits. A lirrcrtlve trmbralla. Customer Look here! The first time I used this cheap umbrella I bought of you the black dye soaked out and dripped all over me. POO lor Moln frlcndt, dat vos von new bateut detective iimprel. You see It toll von zclf dedector If auyvohs dake blins you can dell him by bis clod lugs. Ohio State Journal. Trying- tn He rompllmantarr. Miss Weatherworn These ridiculous scientists say the human race to uioru than 100,000 years old. Cuu you be lieve It? Young E. D. Ott I can when I hear you say so. - Inillnnnpolls Journal. I ffert of Ills Tool. "There Is seldom any point to what be writes." said Trlplett. "He nearly always uses a stub ien," explained T'wynn. -Detroit Free Press. Absence of Mind. After people pass forty aud fall lb I . .. ,1.... .1 1,1 d,.I n.arrl..,! m IO.Ii, u I'll' , IU' J "' m,' , .-., " . mouth, w little time I left tbeUk Mr. Brow nrlgg (an absent minded old gent) Id me see does Mr. Browurlgg live hen ? New Servant (uot recognizing her master) Yes, sir; but he's uot In at present Mr. B. -Ob. well, never mind. I'll csll again. Punch. Ilcrrdltarr t haracterlatlc. Criiusonbeak Owen Moore's sou wss In to see me to day. Yeast Indeed: iAiesn't be remind you of Ids father? "Very much; be wanted to burrow fbV TOOkCff Htuteatuau. foaalbllltx.. "I'o you Uduk tbe 1'ultcd States will allow us to bsve our owu way?" asked (Uie of the Phllllppiue Insurgents. "Certsluly," suswered another; 'only we may lie obliged to change our minds now aud then about what wo want." Washington Star. Taklna No'lnanccs. l ieutenant (to his orderly) - Bring mo a lieefsteak with poached egg. Orderly Kicuse me, Lieutenant, but bnveu't you forgotten that you are to dine to night at Countess Pampstls? Lieutenant That's so! 1 had forgot teu It. Bring me two beefsteaks aud two poached eggs! -Der Floh. Insulting1 the Nalshborhond. "Who (Tor Is dat geuiuiau who to Jus' moved lu on de cornab puttlu' up dat moliat'ous high Isi'd fence wld de bawb w lab trlinmlu's?" "He's don' goln' to keep chickens." Chickens! Wlv a fence tike dat? Say, dm s a Insult to de whole uelghlsi' hood! Dar alu't a hoi. lab lu de whole block."- Cleveland Plalu Healer, Maklna Use at Him. Mistress Mary, Mrs. Julius tells me that tost night she saw a policeman In the kitchen wltb you. Mary Yes'm; I had him there tu keep tbe other men away ! Tit Bits. A Hard Proposition. Blink The trouble wltb a bore to one never knows what to do with him. W ink Not at all. The trouble to one's always afraid to do It. llurper's Bazar. Ills Idea of tha Artlatlc "I understand that your frleud Is fit ting up bis room In strictly artistic mau- uer." "I guess It must me so," replied the heavy young man. "Every time I sit ou a piece of furniture It goes to pieces," Washington Star. To si,,,, sie.-p Walklnar. A device to preveut sleep walking In to lay upon the floor, by the side of the souiuambullat's bed. a sheet of Iron, sine or other metal, wide euough to In sure that he will step upou It. When the sleep-walking lit comes upon bliu his foot touches the cold surface of the metal aud he lustluctlvely draws that leg Into tbe lied agalu. After two or three attempts tbe somnambulist gives It up aud settles down lu bed. Bob "How do you stand with your employer so well, Tom; you uever laugh at his Jokes?" Tom "No; but I dlue at the su n.- restauraut, and. pre tending not to see him I retail all hla stories, sal log loudly: 'I can't tell It o well as he can, but here's a rattling good yarn Mr. D. told us this morning.' I've been promoted three times tbls year." Some people bsve worked so long they can't get along without It.