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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 7, 1899)
1 w I fgpse of Christmas. ,.mt 111 tiie cvc of I "ifrtUit Christ ma, raJ-' ' M I I 1 '' "lr w"" frosty men s I haala maile tlic Mallow creak under ! 113 run .- n ihi in us they iiiHHfi ! or a gcutlpwomun: she bid all tin- murks , Mm ( ( ivllh thi-unirk trcud , of refinement, albeit with certain sums Se U. V,,f those who hud , of toil, hut every mark that could Identl Unit r i T, . ; . , i, i.,... .. u ..n , . IDDI a W lioura i .I . ........ ,, w 11 U'll lo II which to ii nt ii'l-1 'H all' 'In' coming of I I '.. I., ,,.., 11 v ii, Christmas saint . rUriM-uiytli in their adTi-nt oi toil S!L... ircotin to hasten me the shop i ali(, M.1ilS 0 of goods, y a(jUi,lst the delivery ot p-. id millionaire '". ... ... h. ..hirerlnc i failed, threadbare Muiiik. who 1 wnman from the e") i.ll0,.,.a holiday . linl itnlen a , . p hour of the from toil that in " thp ncrnne : nfffl s )" - t. i .n iinknnwo W"w . , ., . . . ... ..I IT 111 Ill . ..lo-lr of nnniOUa ami oieiiiu- . . I .1 - ... f,V . na thnt floated before her 'ZZTvnbil'' unrenl.ty than the Z ShZ of Bifnlncenct. Tflliof hrillifl"! llfhl poured out from the aliopa. NikIi was i""' UH l . n,.v the si if 11 s of onlv the signs of ! holiday .o.non . . '" j , Wi"r I , ' There woil fr. ita tn-murei of all lam!". 1 nt re were nana from Ternia and Arabia. Items mjn ,rj nation tlial the sun shines on, luxurl ,111 furs from polar regions, where only Innvpid explorers have trod, ailka from IidiIi h're sl,n l""lr" n f"'ry floo(1 tho irri'"iid. Ihe eholcest nnd daintiest bits from kypt. India, Sinm, a bewilderliiR 1 . .1. . I..1 1.. tl... a.,n nml frnin thf rspiia'n "i i"vr - Hticm. Countries whose history told of ti, Christ myth so far In the dim litht ef history that its origin i lost, piled their wirrt aide hy side with the uncrjualod pro. Joctlona of the new world, rivaling In foatliaesa and beauty all that appeared to ,f01pt the hearts and the purses of men. Amid tbla Christians Joy Philip Mere dith walked with nn acrid and indefinable pain it his heart. A gray, leaden mood hid fettled over him like a foR. lie made i itrrniioiia effort to forget, lie hnd told hioiielf that the coming of this nnnlver nrr ahonld not overwhelm him with thnt ifooj of recollection which he knew down In bla innermost soul he could not endure. For dij the approaching holiday had "IT IS HE!" SHE CRIED. filled him with an unacknowledged terror. It wns the first Cbrlltmil he had spent without her. without Mirabel. And, tell int himself that he would forget, thnt he would not remember, he straightway re Wllud with the intimate fidelity of Pin all thnt could wound htm now. A breath of fragrant air from out a loiirt'a shop nidi him turn his head for a momimt, and as he looked he saw forget-mt-iiots. The sight gave him a pang. lie trolled the morning they had first met. lta morning in spring, fresh with in townoe. Her eyes were blue blue like Ike forget-me-nots. Then, less thun a Tw liter, they were wed, and the one fhriatmas they had spent together had wnwl to him more exquisite in its par MtkipplncM than the one on the plains 3t Judea could have been to the shepherds. Then ranie misery, scarcely had the echo It DM Christinas bells died away iu the than thnt fatal episode had occurred "nt had parted them. It arose in n trifle, mot of the world's misery nml wars mtn, ami then before he knew it he hnd Jid words thnt had made a gulf between 'hem which it seemed could never be Mttet She said she would go nwny nml Mttlewith the w.irld by herself; he made hrutal reply. Then they parted, but Mter , fl.w (lny of devastating h( tnt ,o tevk ucr- "Uc bad ''i"'!"' "id dragged out its course nt lln, terrible hoUdajf was at baud. It ESS" tart Mfort his eyes-its joy awkei! him ,1 every stop-his Ineffectual 10 f"ri;,'t ' bought it more viv- before him. Afiin the opulence of a florist's shop tn h u Icv A nMm resolution enme nitn. he topped up to the window nml 72 1 pi n"''"''''n r''i "i hiim. I hilip, I see you are choosing mv nutRia, girt." sul.i a voice nt his elbow. hln, .'Tr'1 Wa" ''is rousin- " w,,,n n, t I'Miiir to others some of the light Joy denied them In their own poor biinVh ""' 1"'Hi,a, continued. .ijrj1: yon know how easily I am J" ln th 'tter of flowers. Shut 8m '7" 1 ,n"ose whatever yon see 'lien you open them, and it will suit loot K'TC "", morc P'ratire :o suit eJL" ' Um' ,0 ,l ut to m bapbaaard trai-l, replied. "Come with me will "lTjn,,' ih uop and say what you Ju!''P'" ,lle woman, her eyes with i soft mist, "you ire always wt generou, nnd I will let yon give lite' '", tot mystlf. Have it,i,, )''" niJr ,,wr PCOPI In the hos 5a. I "'" fl"we,, for thetn. I rS '" n,n"T of ,hrm- nml' oh- gxTniL rn,,not tinagine how much Joy X ' bring the sick and suffering." T ttV '"Ve ou w,nt" "e ""'J kWL .V? OM' "Inlets, orchids, of 'slley-what will yonr It Christmas morning In St. J.,- U ! , 11 - . mere was i Hunt anti odor ,n the ,,r The ,onf Uneg Qf waiu coti stretched their serried re 25 u ft rtnrg drnrn the mnm In nltllmli uulil ei ray. Od oue cut lay a womau, who was " ',"-vs,l'r-v '" "" hospital officials. She "" "rougni in hh in mo alteration f the day before Insensible. Bin- win young and beautiful; lier clothing was that j ...... Mimyui v i iii-ti iron Her garments, r or hours the watchers thought the ungol of iluilli wouhl Mop at her he f"'e he took the one next her. Yet he passed her hy. ami in the rnrly hours of the morning ihi revived ami murmartd mingled with the words they couh hut IniliMinetly under " .. .......i 'r. ......... i i... ..... : " ionmo uwu uue rcnvcii no tnnt ,er conversation hecame Intelligible. Hut the return of consciousness she seem- ed to guard her aecret more closclv. si, refused to answer the questions of the hoMpital physicians, and lusistcd that she would noon he strong and well and would leave the hospital maoiHitaiu Dm Christmas flowers had come In and the nurse selected the finest hunch of American beauty roses in the lot and took them to her patient. She lay. limp and silent, in her cot. It was her first expe rience In a hospital. She reflected vague ly, that It would be her last. She had fainted on her way to the river, It Is true. but that was no reason why she should l out her de.lKn. It wa. only . .. f ,, T .ooroneho,! question of time. The nurse approached her. She bore a large box. "Here Is something for you," she said. It was a large white box; around It were wide, pale blue ribbons. A spray of holly Iny on the top. She looked at It listlessly, "Shall I open it for you?" aald the nurse pleasantly. "It was sent especially for The pale patient almost smiled. The nurse's kindness was almost pathetic. "There la no one to send me flowers," she said, "but you may open It for me." The nurse did so. A rush of fragrance filled the air. The roses burst upon the vision of the pale woman with the glory of midsummer, dazxling In their bright ness. They lay in their satin-padded borne like fragrant Jewell. "Oh, how beautiful!" she cried. "Let me have them." As she took them i card fell out. She looked at it as one might look at a dear face that hnd been hidden for years. Her eyes dilated. She was silent for one mo ment, then she cried out in a voice that thrilled the nurse nnd cnused every head in tlie ward to be lifted from its pillow. "It la he!" she cried. "It is he. I must go at once." They remonstrated with her. but the sick woman was well. She arose from that pale couch with suddeu vigor her eyes were bright every trace of illness left her. "1 must go to him," she re pented, time and again. The doctors came ond looked at her and then conferred in a low tone with the nurse. "She may go," they snid. So she took her roses nnd walked down the street. It was a beautiful morning Uie sun shone brightly and the air was Crisp on could not have guessed that the angel of death had hovered near her dur ing the uight. She walked some distance and then she neared a church. On its steps, just stepping out to go down the avenue, was a man. His restless agony hnd driven him forth In the early morning to try to exorcise the demon that would not let him rest. He had pnssed the church, and, drawn by nn impulse he could neither define nor resist, he had entered. With the strains of the "tilorin in Excel sis" ringing in his ears he went out. As he stood on the steps of the cathedral and looked casually down the street he sayv what mnde his heart stand still. A mist swam before his eyes his knees shook under him. He hastened toward her. "Mirabel!" he gasped. She looked up at him with a smile. "I was going to see you," she said sim ply. The morning sunshine made a halo about her head. Her eyes were filled with a dewy syveetness. The purple shadows of the aftermath of pain were slipping awny on the horixon before the glory of daw ning day. He felt dialled. His heart leaped, then burned within him. He drew her arm within his own and they turned down a quiet side street. She smiled at him. "I knew you would find me some time," she said, with an infinitely gentle air. "When they brought me your roses in the hospital this morning and I saw your dear name once more I knew that our trouble and separation were over forever. INt heart, how good it is to see you once more." He understood how fate hnd played with those Christmas roses, and In the sudden illumination of his mind nnd heart he felt as If he hnd nnrruwly escaped fall ing over a precipice. As they walked down the street together the bolls rang "(ilory to (Jod In the High est," and white pigeons circled sronnd the steeple. It ily's Tsx on Bicycles. The Italian Government has Imjiosed a tax of 10 lire on bicycles, nnd In fu ture all machines will have to carry a mnrk sliowlug that the yearly tai baa been paid. Wbnt the chrysanthemum needs to make It a haudaomer flower, la a box of hair pin. Atrhlsnn Globe Hlvhta The druggist and the doctor roiisina. are Paopll are tired of see dieii do sniiut tilings. Miiarl dill- Some ,H.ip net nil the time as though tl.i y irtra at a p .nlr. Every man who starves h i wife Is said by the ticlghliors to be rh h. The woman who never marries never finds out what a oor cook she Is. A good many cooks make a good quality of hard tm k nnd don't kooi It It Is never safe to accept an amateur singer's verdict of an apart company. A womnn's Idea of getting renl reck less is io cut loose, and tell all she knows. Clnwls of the llv.r Is hard to spell; think bow much harder It must be to ban it Atchison has a man who refuses to go to places because his wife won't go with Mm. Every girl who hns never known n grief In her life tries particularly hard to look pensive. A woninn never becomes so rich that she enn resist the temptation to wear calico shirt waists. After a woman passes 3!S, If she mar ries at all, the chances are that be will marry a ninn younger than herself. As a rule, those who tslk most about longing for n higher life do least to Im prove the life they ate compelled io lire. You enn occasionally meet nil kinds of people; even the man who means it when he asks you to come and visit blm. About half the time a man feels like a cnt which hns Just eaten the tnnn y; he ts getting a lot of nbiise for gating a mighty poor bird. The man whose hair has come out can make himself vry Interesting lo any woman by niiiiounc.ng thnt It c.ime out through a fever. There Isn't any one so good that It doesn't make him mad to go home to dinner, nml flud some oue sitting lu bis chair at the table. Whenever we see a mnn having a "good time," we are glad that we have quit There la nothing so dismal an having a "good time." It should tie as much the duty of tho "committee of safety" to get loafers out of town as It should lie to bring de sirable men to town. Whenever you see a girl with brf hnlr neatly braided In two bra'd-t you can mako a pretty good guess that bag mother Is a neat housekeeper. A man want luto a store to dny. nnd said: "I want enough ropa to roYte my bed." Are you old-fashioned enough to remember n bed that was roped? Young people nre npt to stuff their pocket books with pa ar, lo appe ir rich. Older people, however, have found It wise to appear poorer than they are. It Is well to remember that If your friends think you nre a charming con versationalist, your euemles regnid you as a great gossip, and that they may bd right. Corein . romancers. The Influence of the gcomancers ex tends from the King to his humblest subjects, and Illustrates the cunning and simplicity which nre combined lu the Corean character. These profes sional oracles are consulted on all occa sions by all sorts of people. The King never thinks of doing anything without first asking their oplnlou. They are more Important to blm than legal ad visers are to railways nud other corpor ations that employ them, and they nro attached to all the departments of tho government. At the same time they aro notoriously corrupt, and their advice Is always influenced by the payment of money. If any one desires to obtain n favor from the King he usually endeavors to secure the good o Alecs of t he geomancer who Is likely to tie consulted, and tho amount of the bribe corresponds to the Importance of the matter. While tho geomancer pretends to consult the spir its and observe the movements of the stars, bis client knows that It Is the money that governs his action. Never theless, when the client Is required to perform some official act, he consults the same old humbug, who tins been bribed by some one else to Influence hli declilon, and he Is perfectly aware of the fact Chautauqunn. Perfectly Practical. An odd and convenient custom exls's In Genoa. Many of the well to-do peo ple as well as those In moderate cir cumstances do not own either horses or conches; they own only nn Interest In them. Four or live or a half dozen great families club together nnd buy a coach and horses, then they arrange among themselves the days the differ ent families will use It. Thus one fam ily us(4Pt he conch on Mondays, another on Tuesdays and a third on Wednes days, so that nn establishment that would be Impossible for one family be comes perfectly practical when the cost Is divided among Ave or six. Each fam ily has a set of doorB for the coach with their own coat-of-arms on the panels, which are changed according to the family which Is going to use the coach. The bnllders of thisse vehicles seldom think of building a coach without five or six sets of doors, and arrange tits are mnde so that tbey are very easily changed. Whre oes Papa Com - In? The Iiolpilg Tageblntt devotes a col umn to the marriage market. An ad vertisement published lately was as fol lows: "A son, elderly, solid nnd s:-rl-ous, Is seeking for his father in strict and solid mnn In a quiet bUllMOO) nn alone standing widow and maiden with some ready money. Offers, with full statement of particulars, to be add e s . The son con be Interview! d by appointment between the houre of tf and W Kemedy Tor Hums. A Frenchman has dlsroven d a reme dy Instantaneous In Its effects for the horrible burns caused by the use of oil of vitriol. It Is a BOft paste of cal cined magnesia and water, with which the parts burned are covered to the thickness of an Inch. It alleviates the pain almost Immediately, and when the paste Ii removed no icar remains. f,,.mm.!i,-.llv sneaking the plural f baby must be twin. HAVING OF CAPTAIN TURNER, . hi-ile-l'.t in i Minnie Morrow's I .r rlOBCI to Mum Work io llnt-iico. Mas earnest workers In the Bami of charity nre numbered in the ranks of the Volunteers of America, mid not the least of these Is Aid de Camp Minnie Morrow, now itntloned nt the Chicago post. Miss Morrow hns bad a wide ex perience In slum work, having seen at live service In New York. I'lilladc iplil.i. ltiwton ami Chicago. Through her of forti. It is said, many notable rotiver- siotis have been brought ulsuit. and as she Is a slender, pretty girl, with an ear nest address, her lufloeuce can Ik- read ily understood. Although Miss Morrow Is very mod est in speaking of herself, she te'.ls with enthusiasm one recent experience. The Volunteers were holding a meeting In front of a saloon on South Clark street. The evening was damp and murky, nnd a few loafers were the only spectators. One of i hem the aid decamp DOtlCtd especially, leaning against the green doors of the saloon. He was an Ihtclll geiitdookliig mnn, nnd the girl was atiout to speak to blm, when n dirty looking fellow shuttled up. and. slap ping him on the shoulder, mumbled a few words. After a short argument the first mnn shrugged his shoulders ami followed tils friend Into th) dive. A small Uiy w ho bad boon following the band was attracted by the Incident, and ns the second man disappeared Into the saloon, the recipient of anoth er friendly slap on the bark, the grain yelled: "Striking blm for n drink." Miss Morrow's nttetitloii was diverted by the boy. and she did not lose sight of 1 l tii during the meeting. Even the words of the leader something about Moses and tils rod did not properly I in press her. The boy's next effort, how I ever, drew the attention of all: "Moses he strikes the rock for yvator, and do sport lie strikes his friend for a drink." Slipping quietly out of the circle, the girl called to the young heathen. They soon liecnme good friends. Miss Mor row winning the boy's undying admira tion by her Imperturbability when bo i Impudently tlrew from his pocket n buttle of diluted ah olnd and asked her to have a drink. The boy proved lo lie what Is called a I "white liver." having been addicted to the use of alcohol as a lieverage since 8 years of age. With Infinite met, Miss Morrow, nfter learning the boy's story, drew from htm a promise to call on her at the training fort, and It Is with par donable pride she now speaks of tier protege, Captain Charles Turner, one . of the youngest nnd most efficient ' workers In the rnnks of the Volunteers. i Chlcngo Inter ticenn. WORKS FOR DAILY BREAD. Thespian Trnmp Hns to Ppout II. n l for a l.iltlo Mule Tie. Mrs Smith wns sitting by an open window, directly over the kitchen, and was deeply burled In a novel, when she wns startled by llnnunh's shrill voice below, crying: "Whnt do you want?" A gruff voice with a comical note In It replied: "More than Is dreamt of lu thy philosophy, Horatio." "Hut my name ain't Horatio." an swered Hannah. "Nor yet, again, I fancy, la It Trilby, nor even Sweet Marie." "I snld, 'What do you want?'" "And I snld." replied Mr. Weary Willie. " 'More than Is dreamt of In thy philosophy, Horatio,' but what I really want Is something to eat." "How would a cake of soap strike you?" said Hannah, with line scorn. "Inasmuch ns you are a woman and you threw It nt me It would not strike mc at nil." "I'oor man! I suppose you are al most starved?" was Hannah's uufeel Ing and sarcastic reply. "Well. I would be If nil women were as cold nnd cruel ns you." "Well, I suppose you expect escnllop ed oysters nnd champagne." "Softly, girl; this ts not heaven." Mrs. Smith's curiosity was aroused by this time, and, leaning out of the window, she descried n long haired ex actor, with a "lean nnd hungry look." "Hannah, Hannah," she called, "give that man a piece of thnt apple pie left over from Sunday." Accepting the pnstry with a profuse bow, lie held It up to heaven and apos trophized: "And yet they say we do not work for our dally bread." The First American Patent, It Is claimed that Joseph Jlm'ks, of Lynn, Mass.. was the first recorded In ventor ln America. In 1080 be was granted a patent for an Improved scythe. He also made the tlrst castings In this country, and, In 1003, made the dies for the fnmous "I'lne Tree" shil lings. In lbVU Mr. jfTicks made for the city of Huston the first Are engine In America, and his name Is also nso rlaied with other Inventions of that time. Hut history rt rdl the fact that In IfHl the General Court of Massachu setts granted a ten years' patent to Samuel Wlnslow for n process of mak ing salt. Patents were granted In En gland before that under the common law, but It was In 17! the flrst Dnlted Stntes patent law was passed. The colonies of Massachusetts and those of Connecticut were the flrst to introduce the English system Into the country. Saturday Evening 1'oet Death'! Mark In the Eyes. Whether a man be really dead or not may he read In Ihe veins of the . v. This Important discovery has tieen mnde by an eminent American oculist, says Pearion'l Weekly.' There has al ways been a Widespread, haunting fear UBOng l pie at being burled alive, and this now dlecorery will remove this fear. The doctor's experiments liogan some twenty years ago. lie had observed that In life tho veins and arterlii of the retina have distinct differences In color. The reins contain a dark, blackish blood, while the arteries contain bright crimson. At the bact part of the eye ball lbec two shades of blood may lie sren. under the light of the ophthslmo scope, dividing the retina. Even In Ihe case of the blind this distinction In shade may be seen, unless, of course, an opaque film has formed over the In jured eyes, or the eyes have been en tirely destroyed. In death, however, the shade distinction entirely dlssp pearl. The blood In both srtertes ami veins Is transformed Into a pinkish col 01 0f uniform abide. An exhaustive Riant Bit tofl has boon Btadli ami th's simple li l lis never failed. Ill tho case of inapaodad mltnatloBt where others hnd prolioui d tl-alb. he ob served i he shnde distinction nud saved the man from being burcd alive. This Is I fortunate dll overy. PICKPOCKET I r t Ilia Li i I In ii,- fliice of an I M pt S Purse. This itory did not come from the man Interested; Ii came from the lady win- was with the lady who was Interested Pirbapa that fact will relieve the mind of the man w ho did." The two ladles were crossing from Elobokea the other day. ami In the fer ryboat sat next to a flashily dressed man, who wore many Imitation d'n momls and much Jewelry. When the ladles left the boa! one felt for her puree and dln't Bad it. "There wasn't much In It." she ex plained philosophically to her friend. "i wasn't going to buy anything, you know; 1 was only going shopping. Hut It served me right for putting the purse In my pocket." The friend agreed consolingly, and they walked on for a moment, when the lady whose pocket had bean picked pulled out s small hard lump of glass from her pocket. "The poor Iblef." she said; "here's one of bis diamonds!" They laughed and went on uptowu. In the course of time they were up In I'nlon square, and for the fun of the thing decided to go Into Tiffany's and si-e what the thief's "diamond" might be worth. So they went to the diamond sharp and asked If the glass was really worth anything. "It's not glass," aald the expert; "It'l a diamond, and a very good one." Then he studied It a Utile longer nud said thnt It was worth about xhi. I'or some reason the man who lost that diamond hasn't advertised It yet. This story will do that for him. New York Sun. Whence Our Handkerchiefs Come. Very few people nre aware thnt the consumption of handkerchiefs through out the United States amounts to alhiut ".'i.ismi dozen dally, says the Washing ton Star. This menus 'JT.IIT.'.iMKl dozen yearly, or :il's.:si.ish) single hntnlker chiefs. To satisfy this enormous ,le- mand there are alwayi kept in stock. In New fort City, nt least 850,000,000 handkerchiefs. It would be extremely difficult to say whnl such a supply of goons is wortn in the aggregate, as handkerchiefs sell at wholesale at any where from ,10 t ts to S in per dOICO, according to Quality and Bnleh, Hut the figures nre not exaggerated, nud they throw n strong light on the gigantic di mensions of an Important brunch of the dry goods business, A comparatively small numtier of handkerchiefs are manufactured In this country, nnd those that lire made here are mostly of Inferior quality. The finest silk goods nre Imported principal ly from Japan, Which country semis us annually between it.isni.ikmi ami 18, (MHIfotKIJnpniiesepongees. The bent cam brio article comes from France and Belgium, nml linen handkerchiefs come from the north of Ireland nml also from St. Call. Switzerland. Japanese silk handkerchiefs are worth from f!l to $tl per uo7.en. w iiue tile iniporteil cambrics from Itriiss.-ls sell from $.'i to $7 a doz en, and th eCOttOU product mattUfttCtUf ed In PannaylranM and New Jersey may be bad for thirty cents a dozen. Tho capital Invested In this business a Immense. It tuny amount to 100,000, 000, but accurate llgurci cannot In; given. Heiiiovlng a City. The Japanese government hns order ed the destructlou of the city of Took cham, Formosa, and removal of all Its lnhabtnnts to n new location. The city is situated on tho northwest coast of the Island, and has been frequently subject to pestilence. In 1MN1 and 1S07 plagues visited Teckcham with enor mous fitnlltly. This fact being called to the attention of the government, an Investigation was ordered by sanitary experts, who reported that the city was built upon n swamp, whereupon in or der wns Issued to the governor to se lect a new location ns convenient to the Old one ns possible, where the natural conditions were healthful. A new city was laid out, and each property holder In the old one wns nsslgned a site Hint COrreeponded In area with that be oc copied nt Teckcham, and was given twelve months to remove his buHiI'm.- and bdongtttgl, Sewers, railroads ami sidewalks, public buildings, water works, and nil other public Improve meata ware laid oul by the gorernmenl III the new City without expense to the people, but they were required to pay tho cost of the removal of their own property. Most of the bouse and nth or buildings lu Teckcham are built ol very light wooden material. Eight thoneand carrier pigeons are kept for use in the Herman army. A herring weighing six or seven Ounce has about thirty thousand eggs. A gun which can fire thirty thousand bullets a minute has been Invented In England. Oypalea are supposed to have come originally from India and not from Egypt as their name Implies. There are In circulation In China nt the present time coin bearing the nanus of emperors who lived two h..u ami years ngo. There is n method of d octroying the life of trees by boring a hole luto the trunk In a downward direction nml fill Ing llb sulphuric ncld. In every mile of railway there are scm u feet and four iDChCC that are not covered by the rails the spice left be tween them for expansion. Seymour Keyier, postmaster nt Man holm, N. Y., has nn apple tree which was bm ugh I from Holland In the sev enteenth century. It still Iteurs fruit. Told a Heorct of ihe K lichen. An outing house proprietor In Tncoma, Wash., arrested for selling game out of season, escaed on evidence sntlsfnc tory lo the Jury that his wife could pre psre mutton to make It taste like venl son. Somehow It Is easier to symMithlze with i girl who get tiurn lu cooking than with on who Is burned lu curl lug her kail, 8UPP08K YE BMILE. HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COMIC PAPERS. I. -si, i I,,. ,1,1,1. tlccarrlnic the N OVM fT0l lay Inge thai Are Cheer ful to Obi or Young Pntiny relec lion that Kerjl)odj Will Kujoy. Truly I'utrlotle. "You wife eeeOII Intensely patriotic." "I'utrlotle: If eagle was good to eat you would never see a turkey oil our (able Thanksgiving day." No Rar for Mu-lc. "NaNd. won't you stop singing a lit tle w lido 7 I waul to take a nap." "Certainly, papa; but !waan't sing ing. 1 was practicing my college yell." Merely u Theory. "What Is your theory about elevating the stage'" "1 would begin lth the audience." i.nst Reeorta "Did you get the baby's picture?" "Yee, but t lie photographer couldn't take blm, WI had to go to a klnetosco Per." Felf-I vltlent. "When we elected blm we thought tie was a statesman, but we tliul now that be Is a mere politician.'1 "Oh! Then he has gone over to the other party, has he?" Tilted the Krnl Thlus. Maid (to the virtuoso) - If yea could play a rale Jig now, I'm tblnkln' that I could how yet some shteps! -Judy. 1 he I'ro'ouue. Smith You nre uot luperitltlou. arc you? Jones I should say not Hut why do you ask ? Smith Hecause I wanted you to lend me fl!) until licit week. Washington Star. It I 'i pro I, I. "What a noble act It was for that Vussar girl to rescue three men from drowning!" "Oh, I dldtr't know. Were the men unmarried V- Cliralind Plain Dealer, A Vivid Description. Mrs. Pitt Haa Mrs. Oakland any children? Mrs. I'eiin She tins two a boy and The boy Is a Ho model ami the '1)7." Pittsburg Chronicle Tele h' r t ,1 ' I I do you attend "I.lttle lioy, regularly?" church "Yes. sir; every Christinas, lr." Cincinnati Enquirer. iiMiiijr Drawn, Magazine Editor No, sir; Hits picture will not tin. We can't accept It. Artist What's the matter with It? Editor Not one of the girls appear to be more than six feet tall. Mistaken l, lentil.. She Dear me, he doesn't look ns If he could play foot-bnll. He I so thin nml pale. He Hush! That Isn't a foot ball player. That's Schnellzsck wltzskl, the celebrated pianist. stympathT. Hcmllsh -Ob. pshaw; that's too Mrs. bad! Mr. Mrs. lleinllsh- What's hapicnctl? Heiiillsh Mrs. Wlmbley fell yesterday and tiroke her arm and she told me tho other day thnt she was go ing lo paint u lovely vase for our china Wadding present. Life's Thorny Path. Parson Jones Hrederln, you mus' remember den am two roads through life. One am de broad an straight road dnt lends to pordlshiin; tie odder am de straight an v. lde road flat leads to ibO1 destruction. One of the Flock In dnt ense ills yer pUaaOU take to de wood! New York New. One tr Miuiy. tides There goes a man thnt Is per fo, Hon Itself, He was never kuowu to do anything wrong. Miles Is It possible! How did he ever manage to reaeli tint lileul state t lilies. Oh, It was easy enough. He never tried to do anything! A Gentle Reminder. l ather icalllng from the head of the stairs at 1 :.'10 a. m.i Fannie! Fannie- Yes, pap; what Is It? Father I wish you would ask that young man where be would like to have bis trunk put when It comes. The l.lajht that Failed. Visitor- And so Maud Is going to get a dlvorif from tier bust, mi, i Why, the last tliuc I saw her she told me he was ihe light of her life. II -i, is -Well, the trouble was he weut out too often. -New Orients Pica yune. a girl, girl n graph IV .fl Suspicions. Miss rUabiexgh Mamma, I bellere the baron Is an Impostor. Mrs. I'lasblelgh Why. dearest? Miss ITiisblcIgh Didn't you uotlco blm at dinner yesterday? He took his napkin and wiped off tils plate Just like people "bo are usisl to living In cheap Ixuirdllig houses do. Heroic Meiisiires. "1 understand that your daughter hits begun taking lessons on the piano." 'Vet; the folks yvho live next door to us art very obnoxious people. We want to have them quit the neighbor hood." Colli Comfort. Terrified Paaaengar WHI you ver get the lioat lo land? Boatman Not likely! Rut it don't much matter. The old tub wouldn't stand another trip anyhow!-Judy. liar red Out. "And so that Insurance company de clined to give you a policy? What's tlie matter? Aren't your lung all right, or Is your heart effected, or " 'Oh, I passed a good examination. but the agent found out In some way that we bare our tint equipped with folding beds." The Wualtlngton Pottofllce March. "What's the matter with that post- offlce clock?" asked the visitor, "it seems to go by tits and starts." T suppose." said the wenry looUog man. that It must have caught the musical spirit of the age, o that It cant tell anything but ragtime. Washington Star. Kaally Ksplalned. 'I'd like to know why It I," growled old Hullyuii, "that I'm N't here, I almost to death by commercial agency reiuirt- ers Investigating my financial standing. I Invariably pay cash and hnve never asked for credit." "That's all very true," replied his friend, "but you seem to have over- lOOked tlie fact that your only daugh ter recently celebrated the eighteenth anniversary of her debut Into the world." The Inevitable P. . Mrs. Smith Is your wife out of towu? I haven't eeu her for ouie time. Jones- es. she's slaying In the coun try fur the benefit of her health. I Just received a ten page letter from her this morning. Mrs. Smith -And Is her health Im proving? Jones I don't know. You see, I have not got to the postscript yet. Fleeting; Couraae. Brer Hear So you're the mensly crit ter that's been muklu' such a fuss after me. Why dou't you begin to eat mo up? Ilrer iMg I alu't so hungry ns I was. -Exchange. Limited. "Willie, how many times did that Mr. Hugglns kiss your lUler?" "1 dou't know, lr; I can only counl up to 100." Youker Statesman. An Imprsaatnnlst. The Old Friend- I don't lielleve you realize the dignify of your poiltton. The New Mllllonau-e Don't have to. I've i butler hired for that. Cincin nati Enquirer. Did Part lllnissir. "Then it I not true, Mr. Uotrox, that yon are a self-educated mnn?" "No; I hare hud tlie ailvnntnge of a gotsl common school training. Hut I ustsl to write my own excuse when I played hookey." Cincinnati En quirer. It's an III Wind," Ktc. "Samuel," ald tbe minister' wife, "If you wiut uu: to repair your trouen you'll have to go downtown aud gel some button." "Never mind, dear," replied tbe good mau, "let tbem go uutll next week. I'm going to take up a collection Sun day momlng for the benefit ot tin heathen." The Hanson. Amateur Sclentlr.t -Can you explain to me Hie reason why o many peopU become Insane? Guyer Tbe answer ought to suggest Itself. They have uo reason. -Boston Traveler. I milt t .Might. Listeners. It Is said, hear no good of themselves, and there Is another form of euvcmlroppliig to which I similar remark might apply. A young inon who had been sent by a newspaper to report the proceeding of a political meeting lu a neighboring town was occupying his time while on the Journey by writing letter In short hand to a brother reporter it home. Hiving finished Hie body of tbe letter, he proceeded to add postcrlpt fol low: "P. 8.--A nther pretty young wom an, hy tho way, ts silting on the seat directly behind me. She iceina consid erably Interested In what I am doing, and I believe ihe Ii itenogrspher herself, md his read every word 1 have written " "Sir!" exclaimed the young woman. Interrupting him Indignantly. Then she turned a fiery red ind looked tbe other way. Women ire naturlly given unto lf dental. No oue ever heard of "Jennie tbe Kuumt." It hurt a person less to be lied about than It duel to He about other.