Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 29, 1898)
f ftW-i ' -fc-Jf- VMwri : a- .1,0 bom-st ,,, dofraud.,1 ,.m of 'Mi'YL !'lU """,r "' am! I. was P itbM TAMED HERUNRULY PUPIL. .vaT?? '--dfe??' f'l'iVv "j ft h ' f''A l?i-zi ! I'Hic.i Ti,c... n,,ih. jtlMY&ui y A- .iii I . T"7'- "" " r i -jfii. .. Vj,f. O-Z , " J'l. N completely .11,1 hit,. succeed - ' 11 . " - W i , i In .n lllng ii rebellion la.t week I bat ' mmmmmmmmwm, Rj&L!sdi& . Pi WAG TH.LMAN GUAXT ba.l come to I he on. I of hi tether nnJ ho know It. Ik ma.li no funs about (ho matter, nn.l nnv of bin frolndH who mot him that ovpnlng could not have tohl from hlH manner that anything wuh w rtmx. Grant bad takon bis chances to Increase his fortune and now be real ized tbat the Jig was up, V iuiiuuc ii.iu .ii... iiv ...- J luod that the Jig was TXiiosure inlL'lit come In (i week, or It inlKht lie de layed for n month, but It was sure to come, unless he had 1,000 in hard cash, iud that umoiiut be knew be could not tel. Of course If exposure could hare been stared off for some years every thing mli.'lit come out nil right; old Mmiekiou mlKht die and young Monck ton come Into the business. 01.1 Mouckton, Ciraut's employer, was I liunl lionrtod skinflint who would have no mercy when Inrestlnntlon bowed that bis assistant was n de faulter, lie was bard, even to his own ion, and It wasn't likely that he would ihow mercy to one who was no relative of his. Ou the other hand -Stlllman Grant, who was a calculating young follow, bad many times helped young Mouck ton when In trouble of a monetary na ture. He did this not because he liked the young man particularly, but be cause he was his employer's son and would some time come Into the busi ness. Young .Mouckton owed Grant money, but even If he paid It all tbat night It wan not enough to cover the defalca tion, nml so was useless. Grn lit had taken the money, not In my momentary weakness, but because be calculated be could make himself a rich man by the use of It. These cal culations turned out to be erroneous, and for mouths Grant had lieon exercis ing bis ingenuity to stare off exposure. He bad not deluded himself with any false views us to what would happen when exposure came. He had made up his mind. There should be no trial with Imprisonment nt the end of it. lie knew an easier wuy out of the dllliculty than that. He had bought a quantity of morphine which he knew, when the time came to take It, would Insure him a swift un.l tolerably easy death. He knew that six or seven, or perhaps teu years' Imprisonment was the penalty for bis offense and be had no desire or Intention of facing such a punishment. He walked that night to his rooms everlooking the Thames embankment. He went to a cupboard and spent some lime in choosing with particular CHre a bottle of wine he Intended to drink. He poured out a small draught of the beV- erage and taking the paper of morphine ! lie opened it carefully and snrlnkle.l the while contents on the surface of i the wine. He watched It flM if Riovelr settled and finally disappeared In the liquid; tlieu lie poured another glass of wine nml drank It off. There was no hurry about drinking the poisoned cup; he had all the night before him, so he drew hi8 comfortable nrm-chalr up to the lire and sat down wondering who would Hud his dead body in the morn ing. At last taking up the poisoned glass he paused for a moment with It lu his hand, thinking be beard a step on the stair. The next minute bis sur prise wim a certainty ns someone "I'l'd'-' nt his door. Hastily" putting down the glass, he sbcuted. "Come In," .ft "getting the door was locked; then he rose hurriedly, drew the bolt back and opened the door. "Hullo. Charley," Grant said when he saw who It wns. The son of bis em ployer entered with a radiant look on bis face. "Well, Stlllman, I have come to se cure my debt to you. I have made up mind that you shall not suffer by D'.v having borrowed money from you." "Oh, that's all right," said Grant carelessly, "I don't need the money." "No. I know yon dou't need It." said Monckton, "but It struck me that If ?K 1'ATOUE IT AS IT BI.OWLT SETTI.KD, IS TO i i )Uilng happened to me my father ouId never acknowledge the debt and 'on would be out of Just that much." "It doesn't really matter, you know," '".id Stuimau CJruut In the same uncon cerned voice. "I shall always be happy lend yon money when you need It "J I have It." "Tusuks, old fellow, I know that," Id Young Monckton. "You are as nerou ai the old man Is stingy. Nev flhelesn, I Kot a windfall thether day nd the minute I received the money I bought or you." "K" ald Grant, with bU eye u-u ., m l.-.'j rq A DEBT., l.rlL'hi..,,!.,., wan It?" "Kirs hundred ;oiind In ono luiiip." niiNworod tlieoilior. "Ob," said Grant In a dls.ippolniod tone. "Vou don't con ma lu hi to mo." oiled yoniisf .Momkion. "Klvc hundred pounds aro not to U scoffo.l at "No." rei.llod lirant: "kIIII i.Kio Un't a fortuno, you know." "1ft l.t. I. I . . . . . u .nit I, uii. .1 ll.llll OO IIIIIUHl llllO n tidy huiii of inonoy. Now let mo toll you what I hare done, Grant. I know I will never be able to pay you that sum of money; If I In-camc a partner In the business It might be different, so I took part of the i.loo and Insured my life for fJ.lMMi, making It payable to you at my death. If I lire I will ereiiutally come lulu t ho business and thou you will got back the money you have lent me with handsome Interest; but If I a in cut off in ono of my sprees, which Is more than likely, then you will cot back all your money with interest ut several thousand ior cent." As the young man said this he drew from an Inner pocket what Grant saw wns evidently an Insurance policy. "There you are, my boy, with the first year's premium paid," said Monckton, as he threw (lie policy on the table. "I'll leave It with you, because you are a steady, sober fellow. If I can't pay the next premium when It falls due you'll pay It for me uud charge It up 1o the account I already owe you. You see, my friend, you are quite safe as fur ns your money Is concerned, wlieth or I become a st.nd, respectable nn.l rich man of business, or whether I am cut off In the (lower of my youth." Grant lay back Id his chair with his eves partially closed ns he picked tin n"'! examined the document. He saw it wns nil right nnd perfectly legal. At last bo said, In a low tone and with do liberation: "I think you might have spent your money much more profit nbly, Monckton, than In paying a year's premium on your life. Hless mo! you will live till you ore l0." "I hope so," said the young man, "but mcituwhlle you take care of that document, nnd If the time ever com. that there Is money collectable ou It you nre the man who Is to have It. As you see, I bare made the policy solely to you." "Thanks, old man," said Grant, ns he placed the policy oi the table. "Well," said Monckton, "I must be off. Won't you come out and take a drink T "I think not," said Grant; "I'm busy to night, but If yoJ wish a drink, bare a glass of wine with mo." "I dou't mlud ir I do," said young Monckton. Grant pushed towards his the glass of wine lu which he bad sprinkled the morphine, thou he poured out wine foi himself lu another gluss. "Here's tc you," bo said, drinking. Young Monckton drank off the wine and smacked bis lips after. "That haf n purlous taste. Grant," be said; "what Is It?" "Oh, It Is a special brand I drink tehnn I mil not sleeping well. You wll! find It very soothing." "Well, good night, Stlllman, old fel low." "Good night to you, Monckton, anC pleasant dreams." "Oh, I'm not going to dreams yet awhile," said Monckton. "A few of Uf are to have some games at the Kaquet Club." "Ah," said Grant, "that's a long dls tauce from here. Hotter have a nan soni. Come, I'll see you out." They walked down the stair togelhei and at the door young Monckton said "Yes. I think I will have a hansom. I feel rntber drowsy." "Oh, you'll be all right when you gp' Into the fresh air, ' rejoined Grant. Tin young man staggered sll.,'htly. ns If hi were Intoxicated. The oilier watehei him go down the street and hail a cab. Id Cnint to liimsrlf . i. . lfo nn nn tin H lit? kin u"cii a . . lucky chap to come In at that momen: on that particular errand. There is t time for everything, and that was no the time for lnsur.-ye policies. I sup pose that, not havifis premeditated tin murder. I -have left some loose cb-n tbat will enable the poli.v to trace th. thing to me. Still I shall be no wor off tna I wa4u hour ago, tad afta liti rJ ipl COMB, 11.1. snow VOU Ol T. ; T'r rr,"n """r i'1'" "'"' r",T v,''- ,",t llu' Urwt"r will not Lear r i.P .,... ...... ti... lin mo In Klla llarl, an. I hfiv Is how klu i-aiiie to cKtutilixli liiTHolf do llnnly In tier pivKfiit ikinIiUiu: ; John t'ul.'iiiaii, w ho Ik a lKy of tomlcr ''.'.. hut touch tt'tiilriicU's, has fr I .m ,... nu.i ,,,) n.T vvn enced observation told her that John Coleman was ripe for castration and j she culled lil in up to receive bis duo. The operation proceeded with com I plete success for a few moments. John- lile Coleman gavo nil the evidences of ; mortal anguish customary to such occa sions. He squirmed and twlslod and rem led the air with lamentations, pro testations n ml ejaculations of penl ; truce. Melhi Coleman, n stout girl of 11 years, sister of Johnnie, hoard the walls of her brother uud appeared ns l rescue and punitive force. She dash ed Into the room like a young whirl wind and attacked the teacher with a rush. The boy took ndvnntage of the diversion to rul himself n few times where he felt that rubbing was neces sary and salutary nnd then Joined In the attack. Miss Coleman scratched vindictively and reached for her teach er's hair. Miss Hurt proceeded moth 5.1lcnlly and according to the most ap proved principles of pedagogics. She first captured the girl's bauds nnd then tripped her up, threw her nnd sat on her. Then she readied for her whip nn.l thrashed Miss Coleman until all the light nml most of the family affec tion were thrashed out of her. After that she caught Johnnie Colomau mid began on him all over again. Having completed her work conscien tiously nnd thoroughly, she expelled both the offenders mid appeared before the trustees, scratched and somewhat buttered nnd disheveled, but triumph aut, nnd reported her act Ion. She was sustained nml the school will probably continue Its exorcises peacefully. Clever llepurlees. A local preacher, being anxious to Interview the Itev. C. II. Spurgcon, culled at bis bouse, but was Informed by the servant nut 11 that the great preacher was engaged. "Tell blni," snld the caller, "that the servant of the Lord wishes 1 see blm." "Ah:" replied Mr. Spurgoon, "loll the servant of the I. old I am engaged with his .Master." A conceited fellow, with some pre tensions to literature, once traveled some distance by rail with much ego tistic converse. The uutlior of "I.es Mlsombles," having arrived nt his des tination, was uliout to leave the train, when his Interlocutor said, "You may perhaps like to know who I am. I am Victor Hugo." How'odd," remarked the real Hugo, "so am I." The schoolman Inins Scot us was din ing with the Kreitcli king of his day, when the latter Jokingly said, "Huns, can you toll us the difference between u Scot and a sot?" "Just the width of the table, your Majesty," was the prompt reply. Louis I'lilllppe of France Introduced to the Duke of Wellington one of the French marshals whom he had beaten In the Peninsula. The Marshal partly turned his back to the I Hike, which greatly displeased Louis Philippe, who apologized to the I Hike for his Mar shal's rudeness. "Forgive him, sire," said the I Hi lie. "I taught him to do that In the Peninsula. hdiuburgli Scotsman. Htung by Cactus Plants. Several men employed about Horti cultural Hall, In Fulrniount Park, are nursing very sore bunds, nnd one of them Is Just sure that be Is out of dan ger from Mood poisoning from stings received In handling prickly cactus plants. All summer the tall, slender cacti hnve stoisl with soldierly erect ness In a bed nt the east end of the hull. When frost threatened the head gar dener gare orders for their removal In to winter quarters, and the men having the Job went aliout It without the usual precaution of wearing buckskin gloves. They were stung In many places by the needles that bristled from the stalks, but as the pain at the time was not grent, they kept nt work until nil the cnctl had been boused. A few hours Inter their hands M gan to puff up, and soon swells! to ungainly proixirtlons, as the poison of the stings took effect. They suffered intensely for several days, nml even now, nfter a week ban claimed, have to use their hands in a very gingerly manner Indeed. Phila delphia Hecord. Fog ami Gas. Trof. Lewes of London states that Ixindon ftK deprives con! gas of 11.1 per cent of Its Illuminating power, nnd nn Incandescent burner loses L'fi.8 per cent of Its ellicney. The reason given Is thnt the spectrum of these lights ap proaches very nearly that of the solar spectrum, tx-lng rich In violet and ul tra violet rays. These nre the ray which cannot penetrate a London fog. This Is thought to be the reason why the sun looks red on u foggy day. The solid particles Honting In the aqueous vapor of the atmosphere absorb the violet rays nn.l only the red rays of the spectrum puss through. It Is further tqted thnt the old argand burner more nuceessfnlly resists a Ijtidon fog than ! any of Its later rivals. The hotel clerk who puts on a brill iant front Is not the only pebble. A great many newspaper men use pastf too. There always room ey&tr In Uieoup. for one C3 or WHEHK DKKIl I HI INK. NIGHTLY VISITS TO A SPRING IN 1 ARIZONA TERRITORY. ! Struime March Itnrw.l l u pros pector In the I.mu Hi'iU llt'r.l At lrui'l.ia the liter hen lite IHtfiii- fli'.l ll.uk Scout Munil. I'uiiym of Trra A In. mm. No region lu Hie world pcssc as much of weird grandeur as the lava beds of Arizona. No porilnu of this wild district is so welr.l, so fantastical ly wild as the narrow canyon of Tie Alamos. Securely hidden In the moun tain fastnesses, it Is the iiio-i fni bid ding of all (he many gulches with which the region ntioomW. Veuolatlou Is almost nliM'ht. Hut throe evidences of what more favorable ground might do are preoeiit. '1 lice are the throe Cottonwood trees which give the can yon Its name. The ro.-ks which com pose the sl.bs nnd t!or of this strange canyon nre what aro known us con glomerate among prospectors. They contain a badly mingled uia-s of mate rials, Including the precious metals, but they aro so fearfully mixed Unit they are useless for any scleiitltlc pur pose. 'ew men bare ventured Into the canyon, still fewer would care to remain longer than necessary to drink of Hie spring which gushes out of the rocks at the roots of the trees. No man who has rowl.sl about Ari zona has soon wilder sights than L. .1. Court, lie Is n prospector who bus passed many years wandering about the Territories In search of pay dirt, lie Is known nil over the Pnoltic coast and has been In every nook of the dreary region whore the eartli vomited out Its Hoods of lara rock, lie put In several days and nights In Tros Ala mos and wltiiessoil Hie wild animals on their nightly vislis to the spring for walor. lie reeeiiily made a visit to Phoenix after having remained In the canyon for a time. Ho relates nn In teresting stoiy of his observation wlillo out in Iho lara bods. He de scribes the canyon and thou continues ns follows: A Womlorful Country. A cold spring pours out of the solid rock nnd chatter Its way noisily down the narrow canyon. Here, nt the dead of night, come iho boasts of the barren mountains for miles around to drink of Hie running waters. And hero, lying quietly In the moonlight, I have been a silent spectator of some of the queerest sights that man's yes ever beheld. I have seen Iho doer and the wildcat nn.l the coyotes nnd the tufted lynx', and even ii luiiiborlmi cinnamon bear or two, come here lo drink. 1 have lain quite still In the moonlight and watch ed theni for hours, and there Is no more fascinating spectacle to be seen In the open. "It Is n wonderful country, and no man ever set foot Into a wilder region. There nre three coltonwood trees, where the spring pours out of the rock, and along the Imnks of the creek aro many willows. Near the spring Is a level sptd of ten notes. The llrst night I onniM'd there I was tired. Hut after that 1 stayed on for two weeks because of tlio wonderfully welr.l charm of the place. Tlio walls of Iho canyon are marvels of conglomerate innlpnls or lava. There's gold, Iron, copper, cob blestone, granite, marble, sandstone uud silver ore all ground up lu a moun tainous mass that is as bare of vegeta tion as the day It poured from the heart of the earth. It was vomited forth lu the most hideous shapes Imaginable, nml seen lu Hie moonlight those shapes take on all kinds ol horrible nnd won derful aspects. It's n region worth traveling mile to see, and you can reach It In a day's lope from Congress. Jttti-k Acta an Hrntit. "Hill the average man who goes tliern will not roe what I saw in the moon light. I'll tell you bow the deer come to drlnk-ll's the prettiest sight In the world. The llrst night I was on tlio point of going to sleep, when I heard u snort from the top of the bluff abore me. I looked, and there was a big buck with ma gnl ii ce nt antlers standing ou the very brink, hi dusky figure sharply outlined against the sky. In a moment his snort a answered by the patter of many feet, nnd he was surrounded by a pack of deer. I counted eighteen Iti nil. The big buck ventured cautious ly down the lava slope, and when half way down lie halted, tossed his antlers olsiiit as be stillTisI the air, and then gave another musical snort. At this slgual on came the rest of the pack. They halted Just behind blm. Then be ventured further down, and presently lood so clo-e to ijuo tbat I could bare hit blm wllh a pisfel ",,rp he halt ed again, again tossed bis head up and down, right and leg. then gave another inurt and &ie rest o,f the pack came up. O -:sS .-feta' TI1K l!l; HICK ACTKH AS K'ol'T. "Three time In this way they halted, Always the bu. k acted a scout, and no one advanced till he gave the slgn-ii, Arrived ut the water, the buck waded In a few slops, thou signaled for .lie oiheis to advance and drink. And while they drank ho fell back of them several .Minis and Mood there lis guard l.lilil t Ii. had linKliod. Such an ill. -it sroui no liii.n.iii lieiug ever made. And llicie was a world of pride and dignity In hint as he stood there uud watched nnd waited. Surely, lie realized that tlio fate of tlio entire pack depended upon I I ti i. ami hi honor and rcpotisi billtlcs sat heavily upon him. It took Hie pack perhaps Ion or lifleell minutes to satisfy Its t hlr.. Then It moved back from tlio water and stood near tlio buck. Now It was the buck's turn to drink. Ho strode forth, bout bis head uud drew In groat draughts of tlio cool water. Hut he drank with his dignity still upon Mm. The pack walled for Mm, and when ho was once more at its Ilea. I there was a lid scramble up the Jagg.nl side of the bluff. Other AniiiiiilH Seen. "I was fascinated by the spectacle and resolved to witness It again. So I stayed another night. The perform ance was repeated exactly. Ataln on the third nlglit they came to drink In the same way, and tlio next night and i he next, and so on. till it .law n. si upon mo that 1 must quit loatlug uud got back to work. Of course, tlio deer scouted me ut once and know nil itlong Just where 1 lay, but I kepi Very still and they did not sceni to iniii.l me. "The smaller animals came at all times of Hie night, and the smaller they were the more noise they made. The foxo wore the slyest of all nn.l the most timid. They go on a dead run all the time, with their heads alw ays wrig gling from side to side. The llrst time they sniffed my presence nt camp they made a wild scamper back to cover be hind the rocks, but presently they ven tured out again, and. after three or four essays, they Dually came down nn.l drank. "I saw only one boar, lie wns a pret ty big follow, but I hare seen lots big ger, lie came down the bluff like a big pig. hi nose rooting In the ground at every step. No. I wasn't afraid of blm. There Isn't nil animal lu America, I he Hove, that will touch man unless man makes the uttuck. Ho came within a few yards of me. stood still uud stared ut me. 1 mot bis gaze calmly nnd, I Isdleve, fearlessly. Then lie went on to the water, waded boldly In nn.l ilrunk Ills till. ()f nit the mil mills tlt.it came to drink there only this gruff and daring old cinnamon bear wont ulmut his business fearlessly. F.ven the coy ' otos and Isib cats moved cautiously, ami would hare turned tall and scam pered off If I bad stirred about. Hut ltrulu was not that kind of an iinlnial. I hare never seen a timid bear In this country. We don't shoot boars In Ari zona, you know. I meet them frequent ly on my trips nn.l can handle a rllle ns well as most men, but I never shoot. Often we have met face lo face on n narrow trail, nnd In these cases I have always acted politely nnd steppi-d aside to lot Mr. Hruln puss. I never dispute the way with a bear, nor court an un timely end by firing my gun when a boar Is In sight. "I. prospected In the region a little, but In a day or so I saw there could be nothing located there. The lava Is of too recent a date, and Hie conglomerate altogether too conglomerated to 1h of any use whatever. In the early days there was n picket st nt Tros Alamos, and the larger blufl back of the spring Is the famous Signal butte that you have rend about In Capt. King's novel by that name. You can't Imagine what a weird and uncanny sight II Is In Hie moonlight, nor what entrancing sights I hare witnessed there when the deer, the bear, the lynx, the coyote nn.l the fox come out of their hiding places In the dead of night and drink at the springs." The World Telegraph l.inrs. The nctital length of the telegraph lines or Hie world Is 7,IKi,0K kilome tersnot Including nearly .'IcMl.tsst kilo meters of submarine cable. This total Is divided as follows: America, -1,0.71.-sx kilometers; Kurope, 'J.Mo)shi; Asia, .'.iHi.isxi; Australia, ;irsi,(SK; Africa, lim,. (wsj. The entire length of all these wires Joined bigot her would tM-riiilt of the establishment of twenty lines of ttdegraph between the eartli and the moon. Mines. One million and a half of men work In Hie coul mines of the world. Of these Grout Hrltaln has 5.'U",(KK; Fnlt ed States, ;iisi,ihsi; Germany, 2.s."i,.SK); Belgium, Iimi.ixsi; Htissla, 4I,ikhi. The world's miners of metal utimber 4,000,- 000. There are as many chump to the block lu Chicago ns lu niiy country town lo the West. HUMOR OF THE AVKEK STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. O.I.I, Ciirlou ii nil l.tiiii-hutile I'liimro of Hiimuit Nature (iriii.hlculljr Tor truyr.l tiy Kinliiviit Word Artist of Our Own lujr-A llu.luct of Fun. An I'liillcnt m-uniui. Mr. Heyers I wonder how the gro cer happened to put these small pota toes on top of the measure? Mr. Heyers -(lb, I gues be must have run out of large ones. The One I'-ni-ptloii. Tom - I bl you ever know a girl to re turn a present that she bud received from a man? Jack-No, I can't say that I ever did; but I presented a girl with a diary once uud she didn't keep it. A ii no) Inn. 'T.verythlng seem to go contrarl w Iso," said the shipbuilder, gloomily. "What's the matter?" "When we build a man of war It goes straight to the bottom, and when we turn out a submarine torpedo Ismt it stick to the surface like a life preserver."- Washington Star. Hrserrutc ' tutr of Tlilnua. Mrs. Phlatthauso There seems to bo j no end of Invention. Just think; there I i.., i....... .. ... ...... ....I .... ...... iu. .tin . .1 i..n., ..1,1-iitii iinii ti ii in- phl.Vod lu bod. Plilatthaiiso-That settles It. After this it will be no use to stop at merely crippling piano player: they'll have lo be killed.-Cincinnati Fnquirer. A II- Uht Action. Wllluin-That was a brilliant action f iHiinlcy' nt the party last night. Itllluin-What was Hint? Wllliiiu-lle lit (lie gas. The Wronu Turn for Him. Hartou-I'd like lo get you to pre scribe for my baby. It's two month old now and I've stood It Just as long as 1 can. The letor-Whnt seems to lie the trouble? l.oosn't It sleep nights? Harton That's Just where (lie rub Is. It sloops too well nights. You see, I work on a morning newspnMr nnd hare lo sleep during the day. What I want you to do Is lo give It something to keep It awake nights. Her I'lif.irtiiilute Knnwlcdue. After bo bad kissed her and pressed her rosy check against hi nnd patted her soft round cblu she drew buck and asl.ed: "G.sirge, do you share yourself?" "Yes," he replied. "I thought so," she said. "Your face Is the roughest I ever " Then she stopped, but It was too late, and ho went away with a cold, hoary lump lu his breast. A I.onu-Kclt Want. Inventor I'm working on an appli ance that, will revolutionize tilings In this country If I succeed lu perfect ing It. Friend -Thnt so? What Is It? Inventor An air brake that will slop o grocery bill In half Its own length. A I'll I r I'roiioaltlnii. "What terms has Huster offered his creditors?" "Ho agrees to pay them the Interest on their bills If they'll call It square." North American. Hi. re of a Ht-crce. Lnwycr I'pon what grounds do you propose to apply for n divorce? Female Client My husband's Insan ity. I.nwyer-Can you prove that he Is In sane? Female Client Certainly. He Insists upon w earing all the neckties I buy for blm. Too Much for Hint. Haggard Harry I guess It's alsuit time for me tor go and commit sui cide. Tattered Tom How's dat? Haggard Harry 'Cause I hear dat de new fanglc.l doctors say dat while dore's life (lore's soap, and I never could lire where dore's sonp. A I.mm Kelt Want. Slinkliis I've got a patentable Idea that 1 expect to make a fortune out of. Tlinkllis-What Is II? Slmklns A scarf pin shield that will prevent a man from getting tangled up In his Is'st girl's hair. And the Young" Man Docs th Het. Jack Miss Willing, you know, bus a fad for collecting u nt ti mil loaves. Tom Yes, so Pro beard. Jack Well, she has lilt upon a novel plan to get them pressed. Tom How does she manage It? Jack Places lliem Inside her waist. In pit of Kverythlnu. Old Hiirdlng-Wull, 1 guess (bat young Hubsloy's determined to marry our Lib lu spite of everything. Mrs. Harding-Why .lo you tbiuk so, Jeremiah 7 Old Harding-Why, you kniw she sang to blm and played the piano night before last, and bora n la again. Cleveland Leader. Hardly Hynunymou. Smith-Say, old man, can you let ma have (10 for a day? Jones-No; but I can lot you bare $1 for ten day. Same thing, you know. The Hunt for Cnhaiiluesa. 'Ti folly to Is' w io Where ik'ii.irtuice is bliss, Hut suspicion women who Search their liiisliiiii.r pockets through Never tiling, alas, of this! Then He Went. He Aro you fond of uutiuiiu leaves? Slie--Ycs-oine people's, Kvidriicc. Finploycr- Hero you nre an hour late. How's that? Otllce Hoy Mo nun Mer's clock was slow. See, I brought It along to proru II.- New York Journal, llrroJii Trouble. "I sis'," said Iho man who read the uiiers, "that they're got a .1 year-old preacher dow n South and a " year old lawyer out West." "Yes," sighed Hie bald-headed man, "I suppose they'll I to putting children down lu the front rows at the theaters next." I'rolllulilc Kit-lion. She culled him (lie wisest of nil mankind, TIioiikIi she ili.lii't Is'lieve a word of it; Slid it made him happy mid ensed hi mind And it didn't hurt tier u bit. Won III Admiration. Her Fal her- How do you know yon love my daughter? You've only Ih'ou acquainted a few weeks. The Suitor That Is true; but I see that you're Just negotlnt.sl a loan of fl.ooo.iMK). A man who can do thnt Is the kind of person I want for a father In law. l'cmeve ranee Atwar Win. Smith After trying for ten loin years. I hare at last succeeded In cou vlnelng my wife that I am perfect. Hrown Are you sure of II? Smith-Of course I am. It was only this morning that she said I was a per fect Idiot. 1 1 nr. I Cunh. "Are you going to use bricks In the construction of your bouse?" asked a friend. "No," replhd the owner of the prop erty, as ho glanced over the estimate furnished by the contractor, "rocks." Win Thrlr Meaning the famef "If," said (he druggist, "you will give this new preparation a trial I'm sura you will never use auy other." "No," replied (be luvalld, "probably not." One on llltu. "Tbnt's the time I got the Joke on you," exclaimed the load pencil to the paer, as the humorist completed the pun. St. Louis Itepubllc. The Female Hook Agent. Tlmklns There goo a woman with a history. Slmklns Yes, I know; she was In my office yesterday trying to sell me a copy ou the Installment plan. Then She Took Hint In. He (bsiklng nut at the window) It's so bright and cheerful wlthlu and so cold ami gloomy without. She Without what? He Why, without you, dourest. B terly A flection. Said the maiden, "I'm sorry, Mr., To you I can be but a sister." Said he: "If you'll not be Mrs, I'm entitled to sisterly kisses." (Jneat lonuhle Compliment. Vocalist The audience doesn't seem to appreciate my ifforts. Pianist Well, don't be discouraged. I can get you an iiidlenee of over 2M persons ,who will gladly give up $10 each to hi-nr you sing. Vocalist For goodness' sake, where? Pianist At the asylum for the deaf and dumb. - Too Modern. ' He Hon't let your father put In elec tric light. S ho-Why not? He Well or you can't turn It low, don't you aec? Detroit Free Press. Her Ice Stripe for Street Car Men. The MetrolHiIltati Street Hallway Company has decided to decorate the sleeves of the new uniforms of all Its employes with service stripes, which will Indicate the length of time the men bavo been lu the employ of the com pany. For each year of service up to and Including the fourth, the employe will be entitled to one blue stripe. Af ter the llrst Ave years all blue stripes are to be discarded nnd replaced by one gold stripe, and for every subse quent five years of service another gold stripe will be added. Some of the em ployes of the road have boon lu the ser vloe r more than thirty years. New York Sun. l,ort Mayor's Salary. The allowance of the lord mayor ot Loudon, up to the mayoralty of Sir Sidney Waterlow In was ftO.OOO annually: but It was Increased In that year to '0,H, nt which turn It baa ever since remained. Th Hrul keuaon. "Wero you Isiiteu for that office by the use of money, Hlrdley?" '"No, sir; the trouble was that we did not use enough uiouey." Detroit Kre rreaa. jSi