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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 1, 1896)
.1 -.FIVE i I dear girl, you'll have to lot f nie ott. I'm awfully aorry, but Si tin' Governor won't give way. Jri'ally f,ld of i'ou' auJ 1 Mut you 1 tiic, Mi! " i: why didn't I want to marry a tat barrister, a doctor, or even a Lulls:, Instead of an Earl younger i- ,.iid M'. Muriel Mallett. with vn on her pretty face, and a tear l5o In her large, limpid eye-eyes kh an ra 1 o all the men think, wrong 'lli.it alio was poetical and outlmeut j "Hut, seriously, can you give me fee Hon. Boh Martlndnle looked at 1 8hi m Jt hU Ideal-tall, well It, but with a saucy face In which b!g black eye seemed out of place, 'ndnatlng. There wa In her conn nnce the strangeness which, accord to Bacon, la necessary to great July. She affected a tailor-made tt and was ulwaya well groomed; i though her diva was a trifle man- J. Id the brusque movements which jned that sue wa migcty, glimpse '(.odsiiiiier stocking and tine Vnlcn allies revealed themselves, nnd show Ulnt she had a conscience In costume It would have delighted the hero of Hitler uovel with the famous pre e. "My dear girl, If It woro a question J risking my life, or anything like jt.l woiihln't hesitate; If It were even t of those affair of fellow who fa few hours of of well, you know. Idly die, I'd be there; but-but I can't a cad. They have brought me up in awcllvlthout any profession, and 0 a hit of a fool, and I couldn't live your earnlug a actress, so there a arc." illss Muriel sighed. Bob was a hand tue fellow and manly, and he would iv e the title nnd estates some day If ro obstacles were to disappear. l did like you, Rob, and do, nnd were always straight. I should like 1 have been your wife. If only we'd me money to run a theatrical coin my with!" fYes, If I hadn't been such a Juggins I to blue the five thou, old I'ncle Tom ft mc I didn't know you theu." "Vcs, If we'd the Ave thou.!" she artcd a little. "You will marry me ever I have 3.000? O, you'd have work, have to be my manager." Be nodded. 'It's a promise for two year?" -Yea." "Honor bright?" "Yes, of course. If " "If I run straight? Well, look here, I've been engaged honorably and B want to break It off." He lowered bis bend. '1'm young, only 24 even at Somer t House. I'd like to have married ; 0, and I should have been a good '.fe, too. However, aome day I inay . int to marry some one else." The man shuddered. "A broken engagement Isn't a cer 'ate of good character; you must me one. That's fair." 'he got up and wheeled to him a Je round table, on which waa a croc-ile-jkln writing-pad, wlUi allver les. She opened It, took out writing per, and found 1 n pen and Ink. "Now, then, wriu thl "My Dear Miss Mallett: It la my ilnful duty to tell you that I have ade fruitlessly a desperate effort to iln my father' consent to our mar :.age. He utterly refuses, saying that ' la so old-fashioned as to object to : ire an actress a daughter-in-law. Therefore, I am compelled to break 1 1 my engagement with a woman whom I still love and esteem." The Hon. Dob signed the letter sad l7i "Now, be off. I've to go to rehearsal. No, you mustn't drive me down. Once wore, If within two years I have Ave tliou. a capital, you promise you will i.iarry me?" i "Yes, darling, on my word of honor!" With a awlft movement ahe threw V arms around bla neck and kissed m passionately. A minute later he und himself In the street, sad and twlldered. ' That evening there was rejoicing In big mansion In Belgrave square, ad the Earl of Uexbani drank too inch In honor of the return to re jectablllty of the prodigal Bob. ,"WeTl soon And you a wife, my boy," said, over the port, which be drank 1 honor of the affair and In defiance t gout and doctor' order. "None f your rich American trash, but some ne of decent family and the sort of olid, reasonable dowry that a younger on deserves." Next morning at 12 o'clock, when ae Earl was vainly trying to put on la boot without swearing at the pain, be Hon. Bob entered the library with i document In hi hand. "I never bought ibe'd have done It, sir," he aid. j "Done what?" "Look; the beastly thing says, 'The plaintiff claims damage for breach of promise of marriage." "Bring me my sllppersr shouted the 3arl; "damn the horse I send round the brougham!" i Off he went to Lincoln' Inn Fields. 1 "You'd better settle." said Mr. Fon der, the old family lawyer. "Settle!" he houted, "ettle! I'll bow up the baggage, the ! I'll put Terr detective In London on the Job. Tm not afraid of court, and when the jnry hear what she reahy la " i"But the cndal?" ; "Don't talk about scandal; enter an appearance, and leave the rest to me." "My dear Governor," Interrupted Bob, who had accompanied him. "be rair to the glrL I didn't think Muriel would have done It; but ehe's perfectly ralght-Fd stake my life on It" "Nonsense, Bob! You're a fool, and "ou'd better tay abroad till the af- flr'a over. I'll attend to It I'll how r bow to fight." The Earl eye learned. "We'll teach ber, won't we, onder, what litigation means?" Then told a lengthy, ule tale of hi uc- THOU'. II- cessful lawsuit about rlghtof way-a I success which added a new mortgage i to the family collection. j "It's all very well," said Mr. render, j "but that was chancery, this Is coin- j in-ill law. I'm sure should make a mess of It. (Hie of my articled clerks I ha set up In business in Bedford llow; he's a smart fellow, ami will light hard, and Just suit you." Bob went off to the Itlvlera. and lost all the money hi father gave him. During hla absence the old gentleman employed a detective a fellow wlih splendid Imagination, but very poor powers of observation and the skir mishing was done under the Karl's supervision. Bob was to have staid away till after the trlul; however, an urgent letter from a club friend of h!s father brought him home In a hurry. lie arrived In the evening, mid, going to the Carlton, learned that the case was In the list for next day. When he reached Belgrave Square and was shown Into the library he found hi father w ith Mr. Hicks, his Bedford Uow solicitor. There was a row going on at a high pitch. 'Tray tell your father he must set tle," said Mr. Hicks. "Settle bo damned:" Interrupted the old boy. "Settle, I say," rejoined the solicitor. "You see, Mr. Martludale, Sir Edward says he won't cross-examine the plain tiff as to her character. He suggests that the material Is absurd, and he does not believe a word of the detect ive's story he says he'd sooner return the brief." "And the check?" gasped the Earl. "Yes, and the check. He gays there's no decent defense, and he won't try to support the detective's tissue of lies. Moreover, he Insists that If he did he'd fall, nnd the damages and disgrace would be awful." "What does It matter to me?" shouted the old gentleman. "It' not my case, If my son's." "That's a bit steep," observed the son. "My retainer Is from you, my lord," urged Mr. Hicks. "O, I'll pay your confounded costs, but whero will they get their damages from?" Bob groaned. "They've told me they'll make blm bankrupt,'' replied Mr. Hicks, "and hi discharge will be suspended for two years at least." "What has that to do with me?" said tho Earl grimly. Bob Interposed: "Lord Salisbury has ninny claims on his patronage, and In i my bankruptcy he'd find a decent ex cuse for leaving me out In the cold." The Enrl had no gout, but he man aged without Its help to use very vig orous language concerning sons, solicit ors, advocates, and actresses. "They will take .",000 for damages, with a full apology and wlthdmwal In open court," said Mr. Hicks, "and o00 for costs." "An apology! A withdrawal!" "A withdrawal of all the charges on the record." Next day, to the Infinite disgust of the reporters nnd the crowded court, Sir Edward, In a graceful speech, made an apology of the most ample char acter, withdrew all Imputations, nnd announced that ,",000 would be paid as compensation for the Injury to the lady, together with her cost. The Morning Tost, on the morrow, announced that the Earl of Hexam had gone to Buxton. When the honorable Robert, a day later, received a letter from Muriel, saying she was most anxious to see him, he took a cab to Brampton Cres cent, and grew more nnd more per plcxcd every Inch of tho way. Miss Muriel, looking very neat, nat ty, handsome, and piquant, with a pro digious glow of life In her eyes, shook hands with him warmiy and made him sit down on the sofa by her side. For a quarter of an hour she stimulated his curiosity by talking about nothing In particular. At last hla patience broKe down. "Look hero, Ella," bo said brusquely, "stow the cackle and come to cue. I'm delighted to ee you, and dou t bear malice; but what on earth put It Into your pretty bead to send for me?" She laughed loud, long, ana neartuy -so loud, long, and heartily that at last he laughed with her. "Well, you are a gooser she said. "1 know It," he answered. "I dread Michaelmas." "I think your brain Is developing; you're growing witty. O. you haven t got there yet!" "Well, but " "Listen to nie. The Hon. Kobcrt Tal bot Hlesmes Clarence Martlndnle made a promise to Miss Muriel Mallett that If within two years she had .".000 to finance a theatrical company with he'd marry ber." He gazed open-mouthed. She wheeled p the little round table to him, opened the crocodile-skin writ ing nad with silver edges, and took a h,,niia of crlsD "flimsies" from the flap. "One, two, three, four," she counted out up to fifty; 'flftj' brand new Bank of England notes, each for 100 beauti ful, shining sovereigns. You o, I've got the five thou." He stared, mentally paralysed. "The damages!" she shouted, hyste rical with laughter. "The damages!" "Yes, and your promise." Yes. bat " "There are no but about It; you've promised, nnd you love me. He nodded. "And I love you. If the Earl badn t played It so low down In the defense I might have chucked up the game. As It Is. I hold you to your word as a man of honor. Will yon marry me?" She looked Into bl eyes. He really loved her. She took bold of bl. left band, bl right arm wandered rouna ber watat "Will yon marry me?" the repeated. her lip in Inch from hit. He replied afllrniatlvely without a word. There li now one obstacle tin hot ween the huithaud of the fascinating Muriel Mallett and the earldom of Hex- : ham, for hit lordship died suddenly from apoplexy on getting a iegram: from an old club friend concerning h! ion' marriage with the fascinating ni-irrsii. i ne Mletcn. ILLITERACY IN THE NATION. Percentage Now Greater In New KnulanJ than tit the Weal. The report of the Commissioner of Education presents some curious and Interesting facta with regard to Illit eracy la the Vulled States. This Infor mation Is derived mainly from otllciiil record and deserve careful attention. It appear that the number of ihth.hu over lit years of ago who cannot read nnd write Is rt.:t24,i'2, or 13.8 per cent, of the total populating according to the latest statistics. In lsso, the rate of Illiteracy was 17 i-r cent., nnd a de crease of 3.7 per cent, since that tlmo j Is gratifying In the sense Hint Implies, gradunl Improvement, but the situation ; la mi 111 lamentable, ami no good cltl.cn can contemplate it without exp-'ii- I cueing a certnln degree of humiliation. I The government Is tin sod upon the Idea of popular Intelligence as an as surance of political safety and prosper ity, and vast ums of money are ex pended for educational purpose. There hi really no excuse for Ignorance In n country where free schools abound an 1 instruction Is within easy reach of nil classes. Nevertheless, over thirteen out of every l'H) of the people are ntii' ble to read mid write. This great army cf Illiteracy Is a standing reproach, as well as a menace, aii.l there Is no more Important duty than that of reducing It as rapidly as possible. There was a time when New England led nil the rest of the country In tho general average of popular tntell'.gen.'e, but this Is no longer true. It I now in the West, and not In the East, that the best showing Is made of the educatl n of the masses. Nebraska stands at the head of the States in point of literacy, only 3.1 per cent, of its population be ing unable to read and write. No State west of the Mississippi IUver, with the exception of the four Southern States, ranks ns low as Massachusetts In the number of Illiterates In Its population. ThI means, of course and the fact Is a very significant one that a large per centage of the educated element of the East ha removed to the West, thereby materially modifying It "wild and woolly" condition, and It menn further more that the West ha been doing a great deal In the enlargement of Its educntlonnl facilities. The public schools of such States a a Minnesota, Iowa, Kansas, Nebraska, and the Dakota are equal In every re spect to those of any of tho Eastern State, and their academies and univer sities are rendering effective service In the sphere of higher learning. So far as the South Is concerned, allowance must be made for the presence of the colored race, the Illiterate members of which constitute nearly one-half of the total number of Illiterates In the I'nltJtl States, but even with this serious draw back, the Southern States are making substantial gains In education, and the conditions promise an acceleration of such progress from year to year. Min neapolis Times. Will Not Submit to Dictation. The subject of renewing the privi lege, of the Bank of Franco will short ly come up for discussion In the cham ber, after having been In abeyance since 1S;2, when the senate approved a bill for the purpose. The bill has not since been modified nnd the provisions Included In tt will. It Is thought, be adopted without ma terial olteratlon. One of them, which was to empower the bank to Increase Its note Issue from 3..VVMH10 francs to 4,000,000.000, was passed as far back as IS! 13. The charter expires on Dee. 31. 1S117, and the proposal Is to cxtund It for a period of twenty years from that date, In consideration of the bank making certnln concessions to the state. Among these concession Is one by which the bank Is to forego all future Interest on the government debt, 140,- 000,000 francs, and not to demand re payment of the capital so long as the charter Is In force. The bank Is to undertake the service of the national debt ajid transact other business for the treasury, both at the head otllce and branches, free of charge, and mnke an annual payment to the latter for 2,oo,. 000 francs during the first year of the currency of the new charter and 2.5iO. 000 francs per annum subsequently. It I to open everal new branches and make advances to agricultural co operative oeletle. It Is not Improbable that an effort will be made to convert the bank Into a state Institution, but sucb a project doe not command support either In financial or ministerial circles, and is not In the least degree likely to meet with success. Edinburgh Scotsman. A I -on If Hhot. James Shields was elected to the Sen ate In 1H4S, defeating his predecessor. Senator Breese. Shields had distin guished himself In the Mexican War, and at the Battle of Cerro Cordo he tvn. .hot through the lungs, the ball passing out at his back. His recovery was one of the marvels of the day. Shields' war record is believed to hare secured to blm his triumph over Breese. When the news of Shields' election wa received, a lawyer named Butter fldd was speaking of It to a group of friends, when oue of them remark ed: "It was that Mexican bullet that did the business." "Yes." retorted But terfleld, "that was a great shot. The ball went clear through Shields with out hurting him, and killed Breee oue thousand mile away." Heart While Watting. A passenger, while waiting at a rail way station for bl train, amused him self by watching the queer look and antic of a tallle cat as It played about on the platform. Th siatlotimaster happening to pop out or ins omre. me Intending traveler pointed to the cat and said, "What kind of a cat Is that ,f..nv "o." replied the statloninss- ier, with a sly smile, 'Brighton Ex press." Lots of people are afrnld of a cyclone who are not afraid of the devil. It is not a sin to steal things at a gro cery ator where yoq "trada." 10 'r Paw a Meteoric Mime Fall. Mr. J. F. Black, a farmer, living about nine miles from Ottawa, Kan., saw a small meteorite fall on his land late In the aftcrnoou of April 0 last, and going to the spot where It fell, picked It up. It weigh thlrty-oue ounces and cou talns a little Iron, but consist tu tho main of stony material. New Zealand'a Oema. Agate-hunter from Germany ure now exploring New Zealand with very prom ising results. Blue nnd white lopnx nnd splendid specimens of amethyst have been discovered by them, a well as large pieces of quant so tilled with slender, rut lie crystal as to resemble mnsses of matted hair. Java' Man-Ape. Frof. Marsh, of Yale, ha recently an nounced bis opinion that the remarka ble remains of a skull, teeth and other lossil bones found by Dr. Pubo's In Java belonged to nn animal that "was not human, but upreseii:tj-l it form Intermedin te bet ween mnn and the high er apes." ThI opinion confirms tho be lief of liie discovert r of t!iu bone s, who called the animal pltheMnthropos, or "ape-ninn." The boue were found '.n ancient volcanic deposits, aii.l belong, Frof. Marsh thlnk.i, to the a- known a the Fllocene. New Kind of Kite. Meteorologists are uow trying to study the atmosphere high above tho ground with tbe aid of self-recording barometer and thermometers, etc., sent up In kites. Thl baa resulted In a great Improvement In the forms of kites, which are now constructed ou scientific principles. At the headquar ter of tbe Weather Bureau Iti Wash ington box-shaped kites, with open end and side partly covered with silk, aro uacd. Instead of twine or cord, Duo piano wire Is employed to hold the kit. At the Blue Hill Observatory, near Bos ton, box-shaped kites have been sent up to an elevation of almost a mile above sea -level. A I'hoaphoreerent Party. Monsieur Henry, of the Far! Acad-i-niy of Sciences, haa invented a phos phorescent starch with which surpris ing effects can be produced. Ued a a face-powder. It mske the countenance glow In a dark room with mysterious radiance. Hecently a "5-o'elock tea" wn given In Farls after dark, no light being employed except that supplied by phosphorescent starch sprinkled over everything In the room. The carpet, the celling, the picture on tbe walla, tho furniture, the teacups, the flower, the faces, shoulder and dresse of the ladles all glowed and gleamed, making a spectacle that was at once startling nnd beautiful. Ottleet Man In tha World. According to statistics collected In Germany the oldest man known to be living anywhere on the earth Is Bruno Cotrlm, a negro born In Africa, but now living In Bio Janeiro. L" the same authority Is bnsed the seemingly Incred ible statement that there aro 8.S83 per sons living In Btilgarln, each of whom has reached, or passed, tho ago of 100 years, making one centenarian to every 1,000 Inhabitant of that conntryl Ger many, with a population of fl2,000,ono, claims only 78 centenarians, and France, with a poulatlon of 40,000,000, 213 centennrlnns, while Ireland, whose population number only 4,)oo,0O0, ha 678 centenarians. PeetrojrlnaT Friction, After calling attention to the fact that man waa content with the use of oil to keep machinery In running order until he began to rldo the bicycle, when ho demanded aomo better labor-saver and lurvnted ball-bearings, the Scientific American proceed to Illustrate and de scribe some recent applications of such bearings. They are employed for wag on nnd carriage wheels, for the carrier wheels of cablo rouds, ami for the shafts of swift-running ninchlnery. They practically dispense with tho use of the oil can and greatly reduce tho amount of friction to be overcome, thus adding to tho effective power of all ma chines In which they aro used. Tho singular fact I noted that Frof. Boy, of London, showed experimentally that bull-bearings, when properly construct ed, are practically proof aglnst wear. He demonstrated thl fact by weighing the halls of a bicycle-bearing when they were new, and again after they hnd been subjected to long service. They showed no loss of weight. American ftoapatona. In the Bugged Mountains, In Albe marle County, Virginia, the scene of one of Foe' weird tub , exist a great deposit of aoapstotic which 1 ald to be the finest In the world. It wa dis covered only about twelve year ago, but uow a small colony exist at the .,.,.1 unit thre oimrrln have been open ed. The atone, which I very hard and fine grained, la rut out In block aver aging nine tons In weight, and after ward I sawed Into slabs. It I em ployed, among other things, for tanks In chemical laboratories, tubs and sinks In laundries, linings for fireplace, grid dles, which need no greasing when made of soapstone. tables and fittings In hospitals nd dissecting-room. Acid is said to have no effect upon the stoue. Dor Woman Earn Her Kep? Thousands of women work In the mines of Belgium, England and Corn wall. In the first named country they formerly worked from twelve to six teen hours a day, with no Sunday rest. The linen thread spinner of New Jer sey, according to the report of the i uimr Commissioner, are 'In one branch, of the ludiistry comi-lled to stand on a stone floor In water the year round, most of the time barefoot, with a spray of wa'er from a revolving cyl Inder flying constantly against the breast; and the coldest night In win ter well as the waruieat In sum mer, these poor creatures must go to their borne wltn water onpu.u iruiu nnrWflothlnff lloDf tbelr Dtb, ui. .1 " - because there could not b pae or a i V . .Aav TT few moment allowed them wherein ti change their clothing " Yet womet are "exempted" from labor atteuJei' by hardship! Despite tliese washerwomen, uilnert and llueu thread iplniier, we are tub "It Is woman' privilege generally It be exempted froui the care of earulus her livelihood uuj that of her off spring." It would eem to It time that thlt libel upon woman ahould be scorn ei by fair minded Uicii. From all autlqiil ty the majority of women have beet faithful workers, remlerlng a fill equivalent In lalur for their scant, share of the world's gods. The orig'.r of every Industry bear testimony te thl. In our own era, while womrt were still holiieWeepiTs. did they no earn their livelihood? What was tin weaving, the sewing, the cooking, tin doctoring, the nurlug, the child earn "the work that was nrter done." If I was not earnlug a subsistence? I'.vet In these days, when woman goes font and receives the reward of her lab.'i as publicly as man, she Is no mori worthy of her hire. Her nneetress sweet and saintly soul! -did not dicair of recompense. But was It not bei due. nn I shall w e refuse to credit li htviiiiHC man was then a self sutllcleiii Ignoramus who deemed himself (In only one lit to acquire property? Fop ular Science Monthly, Iln Could Mnmt. The Marquis do Mores, who wot murdered by bl native escort, while on an expedition In Nortben Africa. wa nn Intrepid mid ndvcnturoiii Frenchman, ami ninny characteristic stories aro told of his experience In tho Bad Lund of Western Dakota, where he curried on an extensive cnttln business fifteen years ago. One day when the marquis returned to till shanty, acordlug to one narrator, b fouud a couple of cowboy conducting themselves In a lawless milliner around the place. They gave tho Frenchman tho laugh on his horsemanship, and out of tho pnlr, nicknamed Btvad Back Morris, mounted It Its pony with the remark that ho would show the mar qui how to ride. Digging In bis spur he began circling nbotit tho French man, his companion following bl ex ample, the two filing their Winches ten and cursing the marquis to the best of their ability as they rode. The latter calmly rolled a cigarette nnd be gan pulling It. "Drop that, you tenderfoot!" roared ono of tho Invader, pulling up bit mustang with a Jerk; "drop that, or I'll clip It out of yer mouth." At the same moment he lifted lit Winchester. Do Mores turned half wuy lu hit saddle, took a deep Inspiration and blew out a cloud of smoke. A It cleared away the cowboy took deliber ate aim and fired. Tho clgnretto was sent flying In fragments. In an Instant Do Mores had drawn his long-barrelled French revolver from hi belt and pulled tho trigger. Tho Win chester dropped out of the cowboy' hands. He hnd been shot through both wrists. The other cowboy was then on Do Mores' tlnnk. As soou ns be saw him pull his gun he grabbed his rifle, but hadn't time to rnle It before the marquis fired a second time. Just ns his bronco gave a lungo and a buck. The mnn tumbled off with a bullet In bla shoulder. Dc Mores then rolled an other cigarette, lighted It and contin ued the conversation. What' In a .Name? The tory of their trouble I easllj told. Thero wa William J. Brown, whe hnd an office on the seventh floor, ami W. Joseph Brown, who had an office on tho sixth floor. Each tried to stick to his own method of parting his name but many lalior-snvlng correspondent! Insisted upou using only tho Initial and that made a good deal of trouble It was annoying to one W. J. Brown te see a check sticking out of a letter at he opened It, only to find that It be longed to the other W. J. Brow n, ami II was annoying to the other W . J. Brown to pay exprex charges on pneknges bo longing to W. J. Brown on tho (loot above. William J. tossed a letter Into V. Joseph's office one tiny with the sugges Hull tlutt It would be a good scheme foi him to pay his bills, as he (William J.) was tired of receiving them. It .was not until W. Joseph's wlff made the mistake of addressing a let ter to lil in as "W . J." that the real Iron bio began. WUIIntn J. handed the let ter to W. Joseph nnd asked with right eons Indignation: "Why don't you sup ply yonr wife with enough money when sho goes visiting?" He got iiwny befort there was a chance for an explosion, bin It enmo the next day when W. Joseph drifted Into his office mid bunded him a letter with the remark: "I wish you'd marry that girl. You've been engaged long enough, ami, liesldes, her letteri re getting sickening." Tho police finally succeeded In restor ing order. Chicago Fost. Interviewing Casey. A reporter of a New York dally oner went to tho office of the late General Casey to get some Information concern ing the I.ydecker tunnel story. General Casey looked at the young man rather sternly at first, and the yeporter ex ported but scant detail to follow. "Come In. sir!" he exclaimed, In a tone of almost unpleasant command The two doors of his office were open The reporter was standing. The gen cral, without a word, went to one door and closed It with the utmost pre clslon; then he went to the other dooi ami closed It with the same precision The reporter was In doubt. The two were In the room alone. Coming up to the newspaper man, he pointed hi Index finger straight at his eye, ami said: "Sit down there, young man and I'll tell you the st story you ever beard." And he did. M Icrophonea. A recent Invention consist of an ap paratu by means of which a micro phone suspended over a child' crib automatically rings an electric bell situated at any convenient point on the least noise made by the child. The microphone, as Is well known, Is a rery sensitive form of a telephone transmitter, capable of detecting the falnK'st sounds. A Vacuum. A perfect vacuum Is a perfect Insula tor. It Is Hssille to exhaust a tube so perfectly tnat no electric marbliM can send a spark through the vacuo') space, even when the spare- I only ono centimetre Sl'ITOSE WE SMILE. HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COMIC PAPERS. I'leasant Invltlenta Oecurrlnu tbe or Id Over-ra ina I hat Are Cheer ful tu Old or Yimou - r'unnji ri-lec lion that Kvrrjlioilj Will Kujor. Wine Tommy. Tommy- Mamii.a. I wish yon were IntcivMed In foreign missions. Ma a Why? Tommy -'Co Billy Barlow's mamma 1. an. I she doesn't notice when Billy does naughty thing.-Harper' Bazar. Ant Una nf the Hei. Mr. it) Ire- Tliee clairvoyants' ndveriNeineiit are ho ridiculous. Here is one ilmt begin: "Mine. X It'll every thing." The Idea. Mr. Wickwlrc Tell everything? Any woman can do that? -ludliinapolls Journal. lnlirutioa. l'rleml Do you always wait for In splratlon before you write a poem? Author No. I always need fin. Somerville Journal. A (Jnt-eil. "Why does Mrs. Webster always re fer to her tin lighter as a queen?" "She married a cattle king." Detroit Flee Fie. A 8m.niiul.lc Hint. in ,. , r i' Small Bii.ther-.Mr. Guest, will you and sister be married before "iiminer' Mr. Guest -Why tlo you ask. Johnny? Small Brother-Been use I heard hel my II would be a cold day when she marrlt'il you. At Home. Caller Is Mr. Swigliam at home, II Ml I III III ? Madam - I have a suspicion thnl he is. Culler -A suspicion. Don't you know? Mad nn Not de.lnlt dy, but If you will go iti the cafe ont'ie corner you nut find out; that seems to be the only place where he Is really at home. Boston Courier. Hotnrt Mnn New. Hoax -I've got a great scheme for warm weather. J.mx -Let's hnve It. Hoax - I'm going to keep a smnll boy near me sharpening slate pencils. It always makes my blood run cold. I'hllndelplila Itccord. I. Ike a Urn. Kicksy Wife, tan you tell mo why I n III like II hell? Mrs. Kleksy No, dear; why I It? KW-Um Because 1 can seldom find nnyihlng wheiv 1 lull It yeB'erdny. -tsnii l-'inutisco City Argus. Huhtc ra. Bill -But tl i Egyptians ain't much good at tlghtln', are they, Tom? Tom (the pothouse omehi Oh, yiis! A tu' I ye never 'card tell of the Egyptian mummies? They light like the very devil. -Fun. In milted. "Wli.it street tit you lite on?" nked the police Judge. i don't live on the street," respond ed Ferry Fa let le, with warmth. "I live on thl sidewalk. Do you take me for a horse ?" Cincinnati Enquirer. I'clUatetr Tut. Prince- How old I my family? Genealogist - It was lu the year J1SO that your excellency's ancestor chose to give up their Incognito. Fllegende Bhiotter. Uentrooa. old Gent - Now, do go away, my good man. I have nothing for you. I'm a poor man myself. Dead Beat - Well, I'm sorry to ee ye hard up loo. Here' a nickel fer yer. St. Paul's. 'Kind Offer. Highwayman Your nnfliey or your life! 1'oet -Money 1 have none, but If you will tell me some of your adventure I will write them down and divide the prolll w ith you. -Iib'gende Blaetter. Fucceasfnl Unclor. Dr. Eunice -Don't be discourage I; your sou will be a successful physician ix'fore you know It. Graduate's Father-What Indication of this hnve you observed? Dr. Emdee-He ha Just tllfl face fof hothouse whisker. -St. Ijul Po. Dispatch. Tha Illustration. Editor Your tory I too Intelligible for our readers. Author--1 supposed, of course, you would Illustrate It. Detroit Tribune. i I'm mm ' 'mm DOQ-CATCHINO BICYCLE ATTACHMENT. ; ' .-at i 1 nr.'- y-fV-, -- tr J The Polltlrlan'a Vl.lt. " 'Twin Jo it a social call," quoth be i'linl plirs-e is quite enough; There's no use gulng on to say He milt-it 1117 little bluff. Washington Star. Great Manjr of Them, "Inh am a good many folks," an Id I'n. le Klieii, "tint seems 'er link tint uheu dcy's made er good resolution, dey's done tllhlleil out er day'e WUllk." Washington Stnr. nava H I tu FatUfnrllnn. "Jflikliisclaliiii'd that I Insulted liliu." "Did you give blm satisfaction?" "Hue I ill. I. He pounded me until ho was tin d." Omaha, World Herald. Tbnae Innocent Grailsatetf. - ... ... M She -I have been shut up In a hoard ing sch. nil for such a long time that I hardly know what to do with my hand He- Ia me hold them for you. ' j PenatMe Constance. Mr. Crlinstuilieak-When Constance, was younger she used to ride a wlfitl and I tell you she'd take uolxidy's dtiMt; Mrs. Crliusoiilicnk- You don't say a?t "Yes, but now she has reached .tlio marrying age she's willing to take al iinutt anylsidy's." Yolikers Sintesiiiau. rerfet-tly KlfiulUh. A Husband -Don't you think you are rather unreasonable to expect iiiel.i take you to a Imll, stay awake lint in o'clock and then get up at M to go Jo work? , Wlfe-I may be a little unreasonable, but It's perfectly brutal of you to uieu lb. a It. odds and End. A Good Mart. Freddie Fa, do you know that a lot of us tiys hnve really made up our mln. Is to start a college? l'a-Ila, ha! That's a fine Idea. And what iits't'ssary move hnve you already miiile toward the establishment of this college of yours? Fretldle-Wcll. we've got tbe college yell already made np.-Yimker Git xelte. Pniircme Joy. Watts- Don't you wish you were hap py a that whistling boy out In the street? Fotts-l d be a whole lot happier than the kid If 1 could lay my hand on him. Indianapolis Journal. I.aylnv Down tha Law, New servant girl (at the house tele-, phoue)-No, the master Is not In, nnd he and the mistress cannot come to your house next Hominy, because I am going out myself. -Tit Bits. The Keniedy. Cholly-I cnu't make thl beastly elguwette diviiw, Boy -Why don't you get out and push, mister?--Ally Sloper. Hcliuht of Toiilirt. And the soul of the nicked one was next ilciuiit'd to fall through space at the rate of a mile a minute ror IO.issj year. "Say," he shouted as he passed tho lO.iSSlth ghostly Uillepost, "this heal any coasting I ever tried!"- Indianapo lis Journal. A I.ova Ktory. Her fat her leoinlng suddenly Into the room) Eh, what I thlsf Her lover I waa telling Miss Budd a story. Her father With your arm around her waist? Her lover Erye, air; It wa a love tory.-Tlt-Blt. Grant Luck. Wlll-Blkerly has Just Inherited a for tune of $1,000,000. Jill Isn't that splendid? Now he can travel around the world or buy palace or Wlll-Or what? Jlll-Or keep hi bicycle lu repair. Kausa City World. Leathery Humor. Khnrjie-Say. aren't you afraid some oncil steal those shoes I Hnrdiippe- Why? Isiinrpe -The pntcut ha expired. New York Pre. Vic Versa. A letter from a bidy at an Inland watering place to her huslxtud contain the following passage: "In your last epistle you sent me '.ih marks and 1,000 kisses. I should be glnd If In future yon would end me more money and fewer kisses." I rf ba rhler. No Improvement. "Say, It wa a great Idea to put the district messenger tioy on wheels. I saw one going like the wind to-day." "Huh! He prolMibly struck a good bicycle road ami was trying to complete a century run lnfore delivering hi me-age."-Triith.