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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 3, 1883)
TWO OF THEM. CHICAGO IBIB1JIE. Itt the frm house poreh the farmer tat With bit duuKlitor, hating a eoaey chatj Khe was hit only hild, and he Thought hor as fair ai a girl could be; A wee hit jiialuiis the oM man grow, If ho fancied any mieht come to woo; Jin one pet "aruh and her loving care lie wished with noboJy elie to share. "There should be two of you," laid he "There ahould be two to welcome me When I come homo from the field at night; Two would cake the old home bright There'i neighbor Gray, with bis children four, To be jrlad together. 'Had I one more, A proud old lather I'd bo, my dear, VTilh two good children to greet me here. Down by the gate,'noath tho o'd elm tree, Donald waited alone; and sho For whom he waited his love call heard, And on either cheeks the btushei itirred, "Father," ihe cried, and kuolt her down, And kissed the.hand that waa old and brown, "Father, there nay be two if you will, And I your only daughter still. Two to welcome yon home at night, Two to make the old home bright; I and Homebody else." "I see," Said the farmer; "and who may somebody be?" Oh, the dimple on Bessie's cheek, That played with the blushes hide and seek I Away from his gazo sho turned her head "One of neighbor (J ray'B children, sir,"sbe said. "ITinl" auid the farmer; "make it plain, Is it Susan, Alice or Mary Jane?" Another kis on the aged band, To help the farmer to understand "H'nil ' aaid the farmer, "Yes, I see; It's two for you: self, and one for me." But Bessie said, "There can be but one For tue an a my heart till life is done." IDLE 1IA5DS. Mr. Thornton returned home at his usual mid-day hour, and as he passed the parlor door he saw his daughter, a young lady of nineteen, lounging on the sofa with a book in her hand. The whirr of his wife's sewing machino strnck on his ears at the same moment. Without pausing at the parlor door, he kept on to the room from which came the sound of industry. Mrs. Thornton did not observe the en trance of her husband. She wasbond ing close down over her work, and the noise of her machine was louder than his footsteps on the floor. Mr. Thorn ton etood looking at her sometime with out speaking. "Oh.dearl exclaimed the tired woman, letting her foot rest upon the treadle, and straightening herself up, "this pain iu my side is almost beyond endurance." 'Then why do jou sit killing yourself there?" said Mr. Thornton. Mr. Thorton's aspect was unusually "What's the matter? Why do you look so serious?" asked his wife. "Has anything gone wrong?" Mrs. Thornton's countenance grew slightly troubled. Things had gone wrong in her husband's business more than once, and sho had learned the occurrenoo of disaster. "Things are wrong all the time," ho replied with some impatience of manner. "In your business?" Mrs. Thornton spoke faintly. "No; nothing especially wrong there; but it's wrong at home." "I don't understand you what is the matter, pray?" "Wrong for you to sit in pain and ex haustion over that sewing machine while an idle daughter lounges over a novel in the parlorl That's what I wish to say." "It isn't Effie's fault. She often' asks to help me. But I can't see the child put down to household drudgery. Her time will come soon enough. Let her have a little ease while she may." "If we said that about our sons," re plied Mr. Thornton, "and. acted on the word, what efficient men they would make for life's trials and duties! You are wrong in this all wrong, and if Effio is a right-minded girl, she will have more true enjoyment in the conscious ness that she is lightening her mother's burdens than it is possible to obtain from tho finest novel ever written. It is a poor compliment to Effie's moral sense to suppose that she can be contented to sit with idle hands, while her mother is worn down with toil beyond her strength. Hester, it should not be." "And it shall not be 1" said a quick, firm voice. Mr. Thornton and his wife started.and turned to the speaker, who had entered the room unobserved, and had been a listener to nearly all the conversation we have recorded. "It shall not be!" and Eflie came and stood beside Mr. Thornton. Her face was crimson, her eyes flooded with tears through which fhe light was flashing. "it's not oil my fault," she said. "I've asked mother a great many times to let me help her, but she always puts me off, and says it's easier to do a thing herself than to show another, juayue i m a little dull but everyone has to learn, you know. Mother didn't get her hand in fairly with that machine for two or three weeks; I am certain that it won't take me any longor. If she'd only teach me how to use it I could help her a great deal, and, indeed, father, kI'm will ing. "Spokon in the right spirit, my daugh ter ."said Mr. Thornton, approvingly. "Girls should be as useful as boys, and in the very things most likely to be re quired of them when they become wo men in the responsible positions of wives and mothers. Habit and skill will make easy what might come hard and be felt as very burdensome." "And you would have her abandon all self-improvement," said Mrs. Thornton. "Give up music, reading, society," ."There are," said Mr. Thornton, as his wife paused for another word, "some things besides the calls of fashion which should be attended to. My daughter, how did you spend the day yesterday?" "I rose at seven," replied Effie, "and after making my toilet and breakfasting, I practiced two hours on the piano. It was then 11." Mr. Thornton shook his head and in quired: "After 11 o'clock how was the time spent?" "I dressed myself and went out a ut ile after 12. "An hour spent in dressing?" "Yen, air." "Where did yon go?" "I called on Helen Boyd, and we took a walk down Broadway. "And came home in time for dinner? I think I met you at the door." "Yea, air." . "Haw iu it after dinner?" ' "I slept from three until five, and then took a bath and dressed myself. From six until tea timo I sat at the parlor window." "And after tea?" "Head the Cavalier till I wont to bo J." "At what hour?" "Eloven o'clock." "Now we can make up the account," said Mr. Thornton. "You rose at 7 and retired at 11 1G hours. And, from your own account of the day, but two hours were spent at any thing usoful these were at the piano. Now, your mother was up at 0:30, and wont to bod room her sheer inability to work any loDger at 9;IiO 10 hours for her also. How much reading did you do in that time?" And Mr. Thornton looked at his wifo. "Don't talk to me of reading. J've no time to read," Mrs. Thornton answered, rather impatiently. "And yet,"asld Mr. Thornton, "you were always fond of reading, and I can remomber when no day went by without an hour or two spent with your books. Did you lie down after dinner?" "Of course not." "And you didn't take a pleasant walk down Broadway, nor sit at the parlor window with Ellio ? How aboat that ?'' There was no reply. "Now the case is a plain ono," contin ued Mr. Thornton. "In fact nothing could be pluinor. Yon spend from 14 to 16 hours a day in hard work, whilo Eflle, taking yesterday as a sample, spends about tho same tim in what is little bet ter than idleness. Suppose a new ad justment were to take place, and Effio to be usefully employed helping you eight hours out of each day, she would still have eight hours left for self-improvement and recreation; and you, relieved from your overtasked condition, might get back some of your health and spirits, of which these too heavy duties have robbed you." "Futher," said Effie, speaking through hor tears that were falling over hor face, "I never saw things in this light. Why havon't you talked to me before ? I've of ton felt as if I'd like to help her; she says that 'you can't do it; I'd rather do it myself.' Indoed, father, it isn't all my fault." "It may not have been in the post, Effie," repliod Mr. Thornton, " but it certainly will be In the future, unless there is a new arrangement of things. It is a false social sentiment that lets daughters beooine idlers, while mothers, fathers and sons take up the daily bur den and bear it through all the business hours." Mrs. Thornton did not come graoofully into the new order of things proposed by her husband and accepted by Effie. False prido in her daughter, that future lady ideal, and an inclination to do her self rather than to take the troublo to teach another, were all so many impedi ments. But Effie and her father were both in earnest, and it was not long be fore tho overtasked mother's weary faoe began to lose its look of weariness and her languid frame to come up to an erect bearing. She could find time for the old pleasure in books, now and then for a healthy walk in the streets, and a coll on some valued friond. Our Own Christmas Ere. And now, before we settle down to the "Small Change," we hope our kind read ers will pardon us if we indulge in a lit tle personality at this season of the year, when all the good readers of tho Dis patch from the border to the gulf, and from the Atlantio to the Faciiio are, or should be happy. We have been with them for many years past, and as each blessed Sunday dawned upon us we have endeavored to do our duty to our employers, to our editor, to our readers, and to ourself. We wish one and all a merry Christ mas and a happy, happy New Year. We hope that all will recoive presents that will make their hearts glad. Our present came a little before the usual time, but it was just as weloome; more so, in fact, because during the year and a half of our married life we have longingly watched for the advent of the stranger. It is here at last. It came yesterday, and "Me Too," presented it with a full heart and eyes, and willing hands. We ct n't remember when we were so pleased before, and our readers will par don us if we appear too joyful. It is the brightest, whitest, purest we have ever seen, and "Me Too" is happy and we're another. Once more, a very merry Christmas and a great, big, happy New Year to all. W. Q. F. S. Lest our readers might misin terpret the cause of our joy, perhaps it would be as well to add that our present was one that every editor in the land re joices in the semi-occasional acceptance of a new, clean shirt. V. ana t,. N. Y. Dispatch. Legacy fob iDeii-WoasHip. At the judicial committee of the Privy Council, on Saturday, says the London Telegraph, Sir Richard Couch gave judgment in an appeal from the Calcutta Court in "Su- mati Janoki Debi against Bu Uopal Achairha Goswauxi and others," in which the question was as to the man agement of the large estates dedicated to the worship of idols. Mr. Herbert Cowell was for appellants, and Mr. Ara thoon for respondents. The point was whether a woman, under the Hindoo law, could succeed as "Sebait," or man ager of property. The property was valued at Rs. 2. 59.995, and consisted of several villages left for the worship of an idol named Kishab Boy, and others. Their lordships held that the appellant, a woman, could not be manager, and the respondents had exercised the right for a longtime. The appeal was dismissed with costs. A Oke-Leooed Wild Man. A wild man of fierce aspect and peculiar shape has been discovered by travelers in a forest sixty miles west of Unkapannga The trunk of his body terminates in a single leg. which is more than twice the thickness of an ordinary leg. The heel of a single foot projects some five or six inches behind the ankle bones, while the foot itself is broad and fiat and of extra ordinary length. So quick is the man in his actions that he can get over the ground with much greater rapidity than a man blessed with two stout legs. He moves in a series of long hops, and he has been seen to bop across streams twelve and fifteen feet wide. The at tempt of traveler to effect the man's capture proved tneseotuai. sonin Anstralian Chronicle. noffeusU'ln'i Bule. "Mr. noffenstoin'said Ht-rman, as he folded np a. pair of pants and placed them on a pile, "if you don't haf any ob jections, I vould liko to got from tho store away von efening, nnd go wit the soldiers to tho Spanish Fort." "Veil, Herman, I dinks you had better koop away from de soldiers," replied Hoffenstoiu, "nnd stay mit do store, be cause, you know, you don't ran put any confidence mit do soldiers. I vill dell you vhy. Von day vilo I was in Yioks burg, during the var, a cockeyed soldier came in my store mit an old bugle in his pants, una ho buys a couple of under shirts. Den bo dolls mo to keep his bundle and Je btiglo behind de counter until he conios back. After the cockeyed soldier vent de store out some more hoI diers came in und valk all around vile Joy look at de goods. "'Shcntlcraens,' I says, 'do you vant anyding?" " 'Ye are shnst looking to see what you baf,' said one uf dem, und after avile anodder says: " 'Bill, BbuBt look dere at de bugle de very ding de captain told us to got. Yon know we don't haf any bugle in de company for dree months. How much you ask for dot bugle?" "I dolls dem dot I hain't sell do buglo, because it belongs to a man vot shust vent out." " '1 vill gif you 850 for it,1 says de sol dier, pulling his money out. "I dells him I don't can soil it bocause it vasn't mine. " 'I will give you a hundred dollars, " he said. "My gr-r-aoious, Herman, I vants to sell de bugle so bad dut I vistles. De soldier dells me vilo dey wos leaving de storo dot if I buy de bngle from the man vot owns it, dey will gif me one hundred and dwenty-five dollars for it. I doll dem I vill do it. I sees a chance, you know, Herman, to make some money by the op eration. Yen do cock-eyed soldier comes back, he says: " 'Get me my bundle and bugle; I got to go to the camp.' " "I says: 'My front, don't you want to sell yonr bugle?' "He tolls, me no, nnd I says, 'My little boy Leopold, vot -plays in de store, sees de bugle, and he goes all around, crying shust as loud as he can, because ho don't get it. Six dimes I dakes him in deyard nnd vips him, und he comes right back und cries for de bugle. It shows, you know, how muoh drouble a man will haf mit a family. I will gif you $10 for it shust to please little Leopold.' "De soldier won t take it, una at last i odors him $50, und he says: " ' Yell, I vill dakoS&o beoause lean t waste any more time; I haf to go to de camp.' "After he goes away I goes fo de door and vatches for de soldiers vat van tod de bugle. I sees dem passing along de street und I say: "My frionds, I haf got do bugio, una ley y: . " 'Veil, dam it, vy don t you blow it; "My gr-r-acious, Herman, vat you dini? All dem soldiers belong to the same crowd, und dey made de trick to swindle me. Levi Cohon, across de street.'.he finds it out, und efery day he gets boys to blow horns in front of my store, so as to make me dink how I vas swindled. Herman, 1 dink you Had better stay mit de store. Ehavlmr tho Beard. The more I reflect upon the mysteries of neurology and animal chemistry, the more confident I am that, whilo we are the least suspecting it, trifling errors in onr daily life are producing important effects upon our corporeal systems; and I declare it as my deliberate conviction that the habit, which may almost be styled American.of using the razor upon the face, is sufficient to causo a large pro portion of the lamentable evils which affeot the human race in this country. It appears by experiment that the beard, if shaved, grows four or five times faster than if unshorn. In this calcula tion an item is omitted whioh it is diffi cult to estimate, i e the stimulus given the beard by the first application of the razor in adolescence, the experiments being made npon beards after thoy have acquired an unnaturally rapid growth. The effect of this stimulus may be fairly counted at double the natural growth; then reckoning the difference in sizo and weight of the fiber, which is treble, and we find the frightful truth to be that we raise thirty times the natural quantity of beard. Thus, it is evident that the true beard is exhausted at a very early age, after which the system is forced to supply a substitute. Now, nature will not sub mit with impunity the extraordinary de mand upon her vigor, and that whioh re quires her to produce in a lifetime thirty times as much beard as she was first in clined to, must certainly be considered as such. She is futigued in proportion to the effort, let the particular kind be what it may. Although her recuperative powers are great.she insists upon having repose, evon when working at a rate chosen by horself. If that repose is de nied ber, she takes revenge by breaking down the mechanism. The Results of Throwing Hot Water on a Bloodhound to Tuulsh film. S. E. Merwin & Co. have for some time paat kept a large and powerful blood- bound in tue otticeoi ineirpacKingnouse on Crescent street. The animal had sev eral times lately shown symptoms of l i i ; i t,:Ai. man has taken npon himself to cure dj throwing hot water from the office kettle nnnn liim TTnfil twn waaIch fiUO this treatment had effectually coerced the brute into submission. But one night, when the watchman had attempted to punish him, the dog showed fight and drove the nfan behind the desk railing and kept him imprisoned there for two hours. The watchman had a re volver in his pocket, but ho was loath to shoot the animal because of the value set npon him by the firm. Charles H. Nichols, tho book-keeper, had always treated the dog kindly, and the brute had apparently none but the friendliest disposition toward him. Yes terday afternoon Mi. Nichols fooled with the dog a little after four o'clock and then went to work at his desk, and the dog fell asleep beside the stove. After half an hour or so Mr. Nichols had occasion to fill the kettle on the stove with water. Accidentally he touched the dog with his foot. The dog looked up at him with his eyes half shut, but on seeing him with the kettle in his hands, he growled viciously and sprang at the book-keeper' throat. Nichols dropped the kettle and grabbed the dog by tho throat. The now oxcitod boast bit at him right and left, in flicting severe wounds on his arms and shoulders. Mr. Nichols fought and de fended himself as Lost he could, but tho dog penned bun up behind tho stoo, which was red hot. Although tho men upstairs heard the noiuo, they supposod tho blonndhound was fighting with some other dog that had como into the office, and not until after fully tivo minutes, when James Farrell, a customer of Mer win, came in, did the true stout of affairs appear to anybody but Mr. Nichols. Mr. Farroll immediately called upstairs for holp, and whon au em ploy o brought in a olover, he snuUdicd the weapou and struck the dog ovor the nose, cutting it open. Tho dog turned on him. Ho struck at him again and again, cutting off one of tho brute's legs. The dog still jumped at his throut, and not until his skull was split open did tho strugglo cease. As soon as tho dog left Mr. Nichols, that gentleman fuiutod with fright nnd exhaustion. Dr. Dibble was sent for. He brought the young man to consciousness and cauterized the wound. Ono of tho arteries of tho loft arm was severed, and it was only after much time that the flow of blood was stopped. A bito in (ho loft wrist was fully au inch deep, and there were other bad bites. The doctor startod to tako tho young mau to his home, 189 Wooster street, but More thoy had gone any distance, Mr. Nichols lost his consciousness again and had to be carried bock to the packing house ami restoratives had to be applied again. Ho was finally brought homo bo tween eight and nino o'clock lust night. Now Haven Register. GlrliTin WlilteTtJowns. A d cbutante always wears white, and thero is a fashion now of making tho dresses for the first season with the ut most simplicity, so that they look as much liko the robes for tho confirmation us for the entrance into tho gay world. India muslin this year has been tho favorite fabric, and its ornamontution is confined to the silken belt or sash, lace, and the mass of roses at the waist. Yery little jewelry is worn somotimes none at all and tho high lights, if any, como from tho eyes, tho hair, the cbeoks, and the rod, red lips of the bright young face. In such sweet simplicity of dress the "chromo" girls, as they are called, have decidedly the best of it. The blue eyes, the golden Lair and the natural rod which might become florid under harsher circum stances, have it all thoir own way. It is only when costume is suitably adaptod to individuality that the type appears to tho beet advantage. Where there are oldor sisters who are already experionood from having had the advantage of several season's training, they assist in doing thejhonors, but it is not etiquotte tor them to wear whito. They may woar pink or blue, or pale green, or a colored satin coat with a white Bkirt, but they must not wear all whito. Indeed, all white, unless it is very rich, has a significance whioh limits its functions. It may be worn as a morn ing dress at home, but abroad it denotes a bride, a dobutonte or a candidate for confirmation. Very rich and very origi nal whito dressos are. of course, an ex ception to this rule. fCorr. Washing ton Star. Hold Iron. "An Experioncod Horseman" in the Kentucky Livo Stock Record, reminds those who have the handling of horses of the cruelty of which they may be oare losslv guilty: "Let any one who has the care of a horse these cold, frosty mornings, delib erately grasp in his hand a piece of iron; indoed. let him touch it to the tip oi his tonguo, and thon let him thrust the bit into the moutli or his Horse it no nas tue heart to do it. The horse is an animal of nervous organization. His mouth is formed of delicate glands and tissues. The temperature of the blood is the name as in the human being, and, as in man, the mouth is the warmest part of the body. Imagine, we repeat, the irritation that would be to the human, and.if not the same degree, still the suffering to the an' imal is very great. And it is not a mo mentary pain. Food is eaten with diffi culty, and the irritation repeated day after day. causes loss of appetite and strength. Many a horse has - become worthless from no other cause than this. Before India rubber bits were to be hod I mvself used a bit oovered with leather. and on no account would have dispensed with it in freezing weather. Ex-Governor Hendrick's lotter to the Indianapolis editors is generally regarded as a oonfossion on his part that he has no expectation or any fanner political honors being thrust upon mm. Tbe Danger of Cold Brink. There is a prootice, says tbe London Lancet, against which many persons noed to be put on their guard namely, drinking cold watery beverages in cold wAnthnr. Cold drinks are donressina in their influenoe, and the result of taking such draughts when performing more than common feats of strength and en durance, particularly in middle age and advanced life, is to lower the tone of tbe nerve-centres at a time when it is most desirable that they should be in excel) tionally good working order, so that they may retain the vitality necessary to meet unusual need. So far as we are aware, the physiological effect of iced potations taken hastily when putting forth special strength and making a peculiarly large demand on tbe vital foroe of tbe nervous system, is either not understood or, is forgotten. For the sake of the many zealous statesmen and politicians who do not seem to have given tbe need or spec ial precautions in this particular a single thought, it is desirable to point ont that the wont illness may, and do, proceed apparently from insignificant causes This is one of the petty cause which may lead to sad results. A strange and pitiful eight was seen on New Year' morning at Beading, Fenn., by a few persons who-chanced to be near the bank oi the HohuyiKiu, Kneeling in the water, which was not frozen, owing to iu rapid current, was a man with uplifted face and arms, pray ing earnestly. He proved to be a Read ing carpenter, Richard Richard by name, and he persisted that the Lord had commanded him to pray in the water. He was taken home, but escaped from the house and soon afterward was seen praying on the railroad track. He then sprang to hi feet, ran toward the river and ha not unoe been seen. Itching ralmi. A paracrunh is going tho rounds lotho effect that "shopkeepers complain of well-drossod people who purloin from the conntors, and whom they doro not arrest." A salosiuan in a big up-town Iry goods store, to whom tho statement was shown, shook his head very doctd- cdly. "I don't think," ho said, "thero would be any squeaimsiiness iu tins es tablishment about arresting a thief, no matter how well bo might be dressed. And I tell you it takes a sharp lookout to catoh them. Of courso, we havo dotoc tives, both male nnd female, and floor walkers who aro supposed ti have eyes in tho backs of thoir heads, and tho clerks koop tho best lookout they can, but for all that the thiovesget away with a good niauy things, especially in the holiday season, whon wo ore all so busy and tho throng of shop-goors so groat. You would bo astonished to see how easily a woman con find her pocket whon sho wants to slip into it some littlo thing that she happens to fancy. When a woman nips a pair of gloves or a piece of laco, or some littlo thing liko that, her hand will dart into that mysteriously olusivo pockot and out again like a flush. Thon thoir largo oirouiars ana minis afford them ohances to got away with things, and the opportunities aro im proved to such an extent that tho store keepers got fairly wild somotimos. It is true that in sonio cases thoy do not bother to have shoplifters arrested, simply because of the exoitomont that might be caused and tho inevitable loss of timo and annoyance of prosecution. But you find that the majority of shopkeepers are opposod to such lenity os a matter of prinoiple. I'm Buro, how ever, that I cannot imagino why any body should bo afraid to catch a thiof and at least get his goods back. I havo heard it said said that one sharp chap on Sixth avenuo makes quito a good thing out of well-dressed thioves by cntching and thon compromising with them. A woman who is iamy and squaroiy caught, and sees the dock of a polioo court and nowspupor paragraphs ana a prison all before hor, will pay well to be let go." Dare not arrest! Woll. I don t know about that," said a storekeeper in one of tho avenuo stores. "But it certainly is the fact that somotimos womon are al lowed to carry off without interference small articlos that they have nipped from our counters. If you will examino you will find that in such oases tho peo ple so favored are persons wuo nave running accounts with the stores where they perpetrate these little robberies, and that tho storekeeper calmly puts the purloined articles into the bill, whioh is all the more sure to De paid promptly for having. them there. A few years ago thore was quite an excitement about kloptomania, whioh was an inspiration of the doctors to account for stealing on the part of woll-to-do people. I had a case several years ago in which a rich woman nsed to Btoal at certain tiinos.ana could not holp doing so. Her husband knuw it, and by arrangement wun me nrivatolw paid for all she took. She was clumsy in hor thefts, was always seen at thorn, and X don t thins x lost a uouur by thorn, thanks to the husband, so I never told her that I know anything about thorn, nor did my clerks. I should sav from my exporienoo that the num ber of thefts known to storokeopors in which the stolon articloB aro not returned or paid for is exceedingly small. x. Sun. How Would lou Like It! Young man! How would you like it if you bad to stay in the house nine days In the week and near nothing out dis sertations on shirt buttons and historical reminiscences about busted suspender buttons? How would von like it if every time your wife saved a few dollars she would eome home at 19 o'clock in the morning with hor back teeth afloat, and pulled every door-bell in the neighborhood out bv the roots? How would you like it if yon met her on the street with her hat cooked on the bock of her head, while she was doing her utmost to make sausage-meat of every ash-barrel on the sidewalk? How would yon like it if she stood on the Btreot corners, or in front of theaters on matinee day and winked at all the fellows as they came outr How would you like it if she ohncked the handsome waiters under the chin and oalled them "dear? How would you like it if she went out to the club every night and came 'home with her breath smelling like a decayed skunk? How would you like it if you bad to have all the children of the household attend to all thoir wants, and then re ceive onlv looks blacker than a ton of coal for vour pains? How would you like it if you had to liVe all your life with such an amalga mated brute as yourself? Vnnnor man do von ever ston am' think that your wife ha a tender, loving heart right under the left wing of her corset that must have been terribly ten der and loving and bravo to have said "Yes" when the minister asked the fatal conundrnm? Drop it. voung man. or one of these days that tondor, loving, brave heart will break, and then you'll have to take the children and go live with your mother-in-law. Thon God heln vou! We're safe. We have neither mother in-law nor children. Thb Abt or Dancino. AugUBta Sobike, once a favorite dansense of Paris and Berlin and tho principal attraction of the Viceroy of Egypt' imported ballot troupe, is post her dancing days and is directing the terpsiohorean entertainment in a Philadelphia variety theatre. She ay American girls would woold make the most superb dancers in the world if they were not too lazy to go through with the requisite course of training. They practice an hour and then begin to cry over their aching toe. English girl are fully as bad. and usually awkward too. German girls, as a rule, are clumsy. The Italians and French make the best dancers, as tbey are generally graceful and not afraid to work. "The dancer's toes," she assert, "should not get tired, if she loves her art. No one ever hear that the fingers of a good piano player are so stiff and sore that be i unable to play well. The dancer' toe should be like the piano-player finger." SIIOItT BIT!. Vienna completed in Octobor Its new Rathhaus, containing 500 rooms, built at a cost of $0,000,000. The girl who goes to church merely to show her sealskin sacqno is looked upon as sacquereiigious. Don't yon think, Clara, that you could love me a littlo?" And Clara answored with her most engaging smilo: "Yes, Ired, a very little. After the clergyman had united a happy pair, not long ego, an awful si lonoo ensued, which was broken by an impatient : ient youth exclaiming, "Dont bo so unspeakaby huppy." 'I nover protend to know a thing that I do not," remarked Brown; "whon I don't know a thing, I say at onoe, 'I don't know.' " "A very proper course," said Fogg; "but how monotonous your conversation must bo, Brown." Two sons of tho Emerald Islo discus ing a cortain colored man, ono roraarked: 'But he was mighty smart, d ye moind. That ore ye talkin' about?" repliod the other. ' If he was so smart, how did ho como to be a noygnr?" That butter is all right." said a boarding house keeper, "it's firkin but ter, and tastes a little of the wood; that's all." "If that's the easo," repliod tho border, who is a contractor, "I would like to get some of that wood to make railroad bridgos of." High classic "Can you comprehend me?" "I am, porhaps, a little obtuse, but yon may bo assured that I shall get at your moaning presently." Low olassio "Can yon catch on?" "Well, perhaps dou t drop as suddenly as some, but you bet I'll tumble as quiok as the avor ago. Adv. "Yes," said the man with the big nocktio, "yes, I think Charley's play is work of decided merit. The characters are cntiroly original. No ono evor saw, hoard or dreamed or such persons, and no ono over will see, hear or dream of such. Yes, Charley is original, dread fully original." A Fairhaven fivo-year-old, who wont to Bchool for the first time, came home at noon, and said to his mothor: "Mamma, I don't think that teacher kuows much." 'Why not. my doar?" "Why, she kept asking questions all the time. She askod whore tho Mississippi river was!" A nartv of voting reprobates recently entered a Methodist church at Waseca, Wiscousin, and began a night s carouse with whisky and cards. As thero was no police foroe that could be called in, the pastor wrapped himsolf in a sheet, omorged from behind the pulpit, and spoke in such a ghostly fashion that the iutrudor fled in dismay "During the early part of last October, I had a severe attack of rheumatism in my left knee, says Mr. J. C. Connor, of tho Royal Opora House, Toronto, Can ada. "I usod many so-called rheumatic romodies without recoiving any apparent benefit. Observing that St. Jacob' Oil was being constantly reoommended by many of the leading members of our pro fession, I dooidod to give it a trial. From tho first application I commenced to improve, and before I had used two thirds of a bottle I was entirely oured. Says the Gazette: "Fashionable Now York Bocioty is anxious as to the capac ity of the leadors of the gorinan during the ooraing winter. The retirement of Col. Dolanoey Kane has made a gap not easily filled, and tho marriage of Mr. Gerald Hoyt, and Mr. Louis Thoiband's departure for South America, in search for boaltb, leave no exporienood guides for the difficult work." This is indeed a horriblo calamity. The hard times were nothing to it. Finley, tho Domoorat who got loft in the Seventh Texas distriot, is the author of tho somewhat f amousTexas boll punch law. The men who don't like to have gong soundod every time thoy take a drink, voted against Finley and defeated him. In his place they eleoted Tom Ochiltree, who is well known in Wash ington nndor the pleasing title of "the champion American liar." There are many worse men than Tom Uohiltree, au the same, and some of them live in Texas. And She Bose Up. It was coolly planned and deliberately executed in oold blood. Thoy sat by the fire, and as he perused his papBr she was busy with thoughts of Christmas. By and by he waked np and said: "Did any parcels for me oome np to day?" "No, dear," she replied, as her face grew white as snow. "Have yon been buying anything?" "No; nothing muob. 1 bappenod m at Blank's this afternoon, and, as ho was selling out his slippers at cost I bought mo throe pairs. Guess I'll be fixed for the next ten years to come." "You bought - slippers?" she gasped, as she pressed her hands npon hor heart. "Yes; and Dasu came to tbe door as X was going past, and asked me in to look at his stock of dressing-gowns." "And-and " "And I bought me couple. Rather handy garments, yon know; and these are something extra nice." . "Do yon mean to tell me that you went and " "Why, dear, how you tremble," he in terrupted. "Yes, I bought two of 'em, and when Dash happened to mention that I ought to have a smoking cap. twelve new shirts, and a smoking set and a cane, I told him to go ahead and send 'em up. I'll order a new silk hat and wristlets, gloves, sloeve-buttons, and six neckties to-morrow, and then I guess I'll be provided for. Come and kiss your old hubby." But she didn't. She rose np and clawed and gasped and rushed out of tho room with tearful eyes and clenched teeth. Mme. Materna, who took such an in terest in the fire department of Cincin nati when she visited that city last spring, has sent to its Chief, a a souve nir, one of the safety oloths nsed in the German Fire Department. It a a stout, closely-woven sheet of coarse linen, eleven feet square, strengthened by broad (trip of girth sewed on at inter vals of a foot. Aatont rope isfasteael around the edge and looped for handles, so that eight men ean take hold on each side. In two of the corner Mme. Ma terna' name i worked in red silk.