PUBLISHED KVERr'sATPRBAT BT
COLLINS VAXCiEVE.
orrtci ok corxeb of teurt- isd first-sts.,
OPPOSITE W. W. PARR1SH CO.'S STORK.
TERMS IX ADVANCE.
' Oo Teir..i.. i.J,:t.i v...,.lThre olWi
Six Months .'. Two Dollar
Single Copie. ...... ....... 1... ......... Ten Lenti
ADVERTISING RATES.
One Coluinn,' per Year, $10r; Half Column,
$60 ; Quarter Column, $35.
Transient advertisements per Square of ten
lines or less, first insertion, $3; each subsequent
insertion, $1. : t ?
BUSINESS CARDS.
AliCAWIT BATH MOUSE.
THE TJXDERSIGXED WOULD RESPECT
fullv inform tho citizens of Albany and vi-
cinitr that he has take charge of ..this establish
' ment, and, by keeping clean rooms and paying
strict attention to business, expects to suit all
those who may favor him with their patronage.
Having heretofore carried on nothing but
First-dau felair Dressing' Saloons, '
he expects to give entire satisfaction to all.
SSr Children and Ladies' hair neatly rut and
shampooed. JOSEPH WEBBER. ,
GEO. W. GRAY, D. D. S.,
GRADUATE OF THE CINCINNATI DEN
tal Collage, would invite all persons desiring
artificial teeth, and first-class dental operations,
to give him a call.
Specimens of Vulcanite Base with gold-plate
linings, and other new styles of work, may be
C lean at his office, in Pajriah & Co.'s brick, (up
stairs) Albany, Oregon. I
Residence Corner Second and Baker sts. 2
; u. rice, in:
PHYSICIAN AND1 SURGEON,
A LB AIVY, OREGON.
OTTICE ON SOUTH SIDE OF MAIN
street.
Albany, September. 19, 68-2tf
. C- POWELL
L. FLISS.
Powell' & ' Flinn,
, A TTORNEYS & COUNSELLORS AT LAW
and Solicitors in Chancery,
.mm -. . WVi:
Albany, Oregon. ' Collections and conveyances
prom ply attended to. 1
W. HITABIOEL. F. M. REDFIELD.
Hiltabidel & Co.,
DEALERS IN GROCERIES AND PRO
Tisions, Wood and Willow Ware, Confec
tionery, Tobacco, Cigars, Pipes, Notions, etc.
Main street, adjoining the Express office, Albany,
E. A. Freeland,
DEALER IN EVERY DESCRIPTION OF
School, Miscellaneous ,and Blank Books,
Stationery, Gold and Steel Pens,Ink, etc., Post
office Building, Albany, Oregon. Books ordered
from New York and San Francisco. 1
S. H. Clauyhton, ,
NOTARY PUBLIC AND REAL ESTATE
AGENT. Office in the Post Office building,
: Lebanon, Oregon.
Will attend to making Deeds and other convey
ances, also to the prompt collection of debts en
" trusted to my care.
; c. Mealey & Co.;
MANUFACTURERS OF AND DEALERS
in all kinds of Furniture and Cabinet
, First street, Albany.
J. N. BOLPH.
A. SMITH.
J. B. MITCHELL.
Mitchell, Dolph & Smith,
ATTORNEYS Ann COUNSELLORS at LAW,
Solicitors in Chancery and Proctors in Ad
" miralty. Office over the old Post Office,. Front
street, Portland, Oregon. . I
NEW ENGLAND
MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE CO.
or BOSTON.
INCORPORATED lc"35.
Cash assets... $7,000,000 00
r Caak. distributions of 1867 526.5A3 55
1 Total surplus dividend 2,727,573 55
Losses paid in 1867 381,600 00
Total losses paid. 2,796,100 00
Income for 1867- 2,203,808 00
-ir 'H extra charge for traveling to and from the
Atlantic States, Europe, Oregon, or the Sandwich
Island. ' - "-- "- ;
All Policies non-forfeiting, and governed by the
j nom-forfeitmg law of Massachusetts,
Policy holders the only persons who receive divi
dends in this Company, which are declared
and paid annually ; first dividend avail
able t the payment of ihfi second
,' if ain.l prroinm. AH Policies
L . ' . remain in force as long as
there'is any surrender
2701 FORFEITURES I
Thil old and popular Company, (the oldest Mu
tual Lift Insurance Company in this
country) insures at the low- I
The stability of this Company, with iU past his
tory, increasing capital and business, aud the sat
isfactory manner in which it has discharged its
obligations Jn ba.Jst,.rernafaB.tees for the
future such as far-seeing and careful men require
in their investments.
Persons generally, who thoroughly understand
tho workings of Life Insurance, are anxious , to
avail themselves of Unequitable fmrrisions; - ;
Full Information will be given to those who
Horn Office, 39: State Street, Boston.
; ,T. Pacifq Bfeoob? TJfficee, s 4 O
30 Montgomery street San Francisco.
Room 8, Carter' e Building, Portland, Oregon,
EVERSOIff 9k ZXAXNE3, Ctaneral Ats.
KUSSEJLJL fcEEKEV8, JLgt s,
Albany, September 19,1868-27
' A LL those knowing themselves indebted to us
ftX. are respeeUolly requested te call and settle
immediately. . . 4 . , . .;,it
A - fHd account nwt oe ttUftdi -.-ti
a,x , BEACH -4 MONTEITH
. aibaayi October lOtt, '68,
ALBANY ADVERTISEMENTS
CEO. F. SETTLEMIER,
X K. IJ Gr Cr I S T.
(Successor to D. W. Wakefield,)
Parrl8hs New Building-,' First Street,
ALBANY, OREGON,
" DEALER IN
Irugs and Medicines,
CHEMICALS,
PAINTS, OILS, GLASS, ETC.
All articles warranted pure and of the best
quality.
Physicians Proscriptions carefully compounded.
Albany, Out. 17, lS68-Ctf , ,
PICTURES .
J, A. WI5TER, HAA'ING PURCHASED
the well-furnished .
PICTURE GAEEEItY
formerly belonging to A. B. Paxton, is prepared
to make
- i .
Fliotosretplis 2
from "Carte de Visite" up to life size. Also,
AMBROTYPES & "SUM PEARLS!"
Any person who has had card pictures mado
hero since the Gallery, burned down (ISC'!) ran
get pictures from the negatives at the rate of
three dollars per dozen. .
Having had eight years' experience in the bus
iness, I believe that I can insure to give satisfac
tion. . J. A. WINTER.
Albany, Sept.. 19, 186S-2tf
Good Iictxxies I
MADE: IX CLOUDY WEATHER !
J. A. WINTER.
Oct 31, lS6S-$tf
Hew Columbian Hotel,
Nos. US, 120 and, 122 Front street,
PORTLAND, : : : OREGON.
ED. CARNEY, PROPRIETOR.
The targ-est, Best and most Convenient
Hotel in Portland!
Located in the center of business and near all
the steamboat landings.'
Board and Lodging1
From one to tiro dollars per day according to the
room occupied.
JgSf Rooms newly furnished and well ventil
ated. Superior accommodations for families.
Z3 The New Columbian Hotel Coach will bo
in attendance at all the landings to convey pas
sengers and baggage to and from this Hotel
17 jz1 Free ol Charge ! 69
.ttentloxi!
FARMERS ! TIILL JTIEiV !
. AND
ALL HAVING MACHINERY !
T
is h
HE ALBANY LARD OIL FACTORY has
resumed operations, and is prepared to furn-
by the quantity. Different grades are kept on
hand for sale, at different prices.
The No 1 Grade is Warranted to be
' strictly Pare !
31- Orders from abroad respectfully solicited.
All orders should be accompanied by the
cash.
Cash or Soap will be paid for Pure Lard
and rancid or scorched Grease, delivered at the
Factory.
McCOBD & GEORGE.
Albany, Jan. 2, 1869-17
FIRE MD MARINE INSURANCE.
Insurance Oorrrpaixy
Nos. 416 and 419 California Street,
San Francisco, Cal.
Stockholders Individually Liable. '
Cash Capital, in Gold Coin, 8T50.000.
: Deposit in Oregon, $50,000.
Losses Promptly and Equitably Adjusted.
THIS COMPANY having complied wifh the
laws of Oregon, by making a deposit of fifty
thousand dollars, is now prepared to effect insur
ance against Loss or Damage by Fire, and also
against Marine and Inland Navigation risks, on
liberal terms. r
. . - GUSTAVE TOUCHARD, Pres.
PHAS.;I. HAVENr Sec'y.J ; J ,
W. W. Parrisn & Co.,
'-- ; Amenta for Albany.
' Albany, jannary 9. 1869-18 r
1 t M. G0TTGETREU,
"Importer and Dealer in the choicest brands of
HAVANA & DOMESTIC CIGARS,
Chewing' & Smoking- Tobacco, -
Pipes, Stems, Snuff, Playing Cards, Stationery,
Cutlery and Notions, , ,
l -nr. I 'jfo.'iir -Front . Street; I ; !
Cor." Morrison, opposite Western Hotel,
'1- r0RTtAND, OREGON. j
aU Goods at Wholesale or RetaJL-5;
3L Country orders carefully put up, at lewest
rat9i.Sl;iK .r. -;;Wt ja96918 ;
PORTLAND ADVERTISEMENTS.
W."R. SEW ALL.
GEO. B. COOK.
COSIflOPOEITAiV HOTEL.
(rORMEHLV ARRipOSl's,)
Front street : : i Portland, Oregon.
THE UNDERSIGNED, HAVING PUR
chased this well known Hotel, are now pro
cured to offer the traveling public better -accommodations
than can be found elsewhere in the
city., , . .
Board aud Lodging S3 oo per day.
Tho Hotel Coach will bo in attendance to con
vey Passengers and buggago to and from tho
Hotel free f chary e.
SEWALL & COOK.
Office Oregon & California Stage Company, E.
G. Whiteiioi:sk, Agent. 2tf
BUGIITEL'S
Pn()T0GRAPII GALLERY,
S THE ONLY ESTAELISHMENT IN
Oregon that is thorouchlv preijared to do all
the different styles of work in the art. Photo
graphs from card to life size. Tho new' cabinet
carils, Ac, Ac. Pictures eulargcd, retouched in
India ink, painted in water-colors; by 3Vlre. B. J.
Rumsey. Pictures that are fading can be repro
duced in this way. Negatives carefully preserved
so that additional copies mav be had at any time.
. JOSEPH BUCHTEL.
Portfand, Oregon. t
OREUOIV SEED STOKE.
PRODUCE AND COM3IISSION
WAREHOUSE 2
Consigniuenta of Produce solicited.
nl
K. E. CDATFIELB,
( Opposite the Western Hotel,)
PORTLAND, OREGON.
WESTERN HOTEL,
PORTLAND, ORKGON,
DORCY & HOLIV.ES,
PROPRIETORS.
HIS HOTEL IS LOCATED NEAR THE
Steamship Landing. The Hotel Coach will
be in attendance at all the Landings to convey
passengers and basrage to and from tho House
FREE OF CHARGE, i:i9-lS
AIWEItBCAIV EXCHANGE,
-CORNER OF-
Frout and Washington Streets,
PORTLAND, OREGON.
X,. P. W. Qnimby, - - - - Proprietor.
(Late of the Western Hotel.)
TniS HOUSE is the most commodious in the
State, newly furnished, and it will be ths
endeavor of the Proprietor to make his gncste
comfortable. Nearest Hotel to tho steamboat
landing.
Thu Concord Coach will always be foun
at the landing, on the arrival of steamships and
river boats, carrying passengers and their bag
gage to and from the boats free of charye.
House supplied tcith Patent fire jctinjuinJiers.
ALBANY ADVERTISEMENTS.
E. F. RUSSELL,
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
JAMES ELKINS,
VOTARY PUBLIC.
RUSSELL & ELKINS,
(OSce in Farrish A Co.'s block, First street.)
Albany, Oregon.
HAVING TAKEN INTO CO-PARTNERSHIP
Jasiks Elktns, Es(i., ex-Clerk of
Linn county, we are enabled to add to our prac
tice of Law and Collections, superior facilities for
Conveyancing', Examining Records,
and attending to Probate business.
Deeds, Bonds, Contracts and Mortgages care
fully drawn. . .
Homestead and Pre-emption Papers
made, and cjhims secured.
Salc3 of J Real Estate negotiated, and loans
effected onf collateral securities on reasonable
rates. . C
All business entrusted to them faithfully and
promptly executed.
i , RUSSELL A ELKINS.
Albany, Oct. 10, '6S-5y
NO MORE HIGH PRICES FOR ALBANY
Come and buy Goods at prices of 1860.
J. E. BENTLEY, SEN.,
HAVING RECEIVED -FROM SAN FRAN
uisco, by latest shipments, the largest stock of
Boots and Shoes !
. Consisting of the following lines of Goods :
Gents'; Fine Sewed Boots,
Gents': Fine Pegged Boots,
. l : Boya and Children's Boots,
Ladies and Misses Boots,
Kid Congress Gaiters, :
And Children's Gaiters,
i Rubber Over-Shoes, and
Shoes of all Descriptions.
, Gentlemen's Boots Made to Order!
On short notice ; and with neatness and dispatch,
ALL KINDS tXF REPAIRING DONE! '
Sole and Upper Leather for Sale
At the lowest figures for Cash. Give me a call
and see for yourselve , ;. ' . - f , f 2tf ,
Iteal Estate for Sale ! '
THOSE WHO DESIRE TO PURCHASE" A
good Lathed and Plastered
New Frame Dwelling1 House,
two stories in hight, kitchen and wood-shed at
taohed, with private barn, well situated - in the
city of Albany, will do well to call, without delay,
on - RUSSELL A ELKINS, ;
Albany, Oct 17, '88-6 Real Estate Agts. ;
. : : - ,-1 Administrator'a Notice.
Estate of Z. if. Bond, deceased.
NOTICE is hereby given by the undersigned
administrator, of tha above named estate, to
the .creditors of, and all persons- having claims
against,, said deceased, to present tha same, with
necessary vouchers, within six months from this
notice, to the undersigned at his residence, six
miles- south of Peoria, Linn county, Oregon.
; JAMES SHERRILL, , .
- -Psbv 11, 186923 -. i -v , , . ;r Adm.
r ii'ir-i'-'ii .a . Svsszu. 4 SLLim,Atty. ;
NEW ADVERTISEMENTS.
Albany Weekly Register
JOB PRINTING
; oppic:
First street, (Zpite Purrish a? Co.'s store,)
Albany ; s : Oregon.
AVING a very fair assortment of material
we are prepared to execute, with neatness
and dispatch, all kinds of
JOB raiJJIETGr
such as ;
Jland-hifls,
Programmes,
JJ ill-heads, -i
' Cards.
Ball TicJcets,
! Pamphfots,
( Labels,
! ' JUanl-s
of : all kinds,
1 . 1
at as low figures as a duo regard to taste and good
work will allow. When you want anything in
the printing line,. call at the Register office.
Flax Seed Agency.
-o-
E. ; CART WRIGHT,
Sole Agent for Oregon.
A FULL SUPPLY OP THE
FOR LOANING TO FAKIWCEKS.
-
Addross, ;
I ' E. CARTWRIGHT,
March 1 3, 'C9-27 Albany, Ogn.
i NOTICE. : "
THE ANNUAL ASSESSMENT LIST, under
the Ui S. Internal Revenue Law, for Divis
ion No. 5, eonsistiuir of Linn, Lane aud Benton
counties in the District of Oregon, will bo open
for public examination and correction at my office,
in Eugene City, from the 12th day of March to
the 22d day of March, 1869 ; where all persons
claiming deductions or abatement f taxes, in
consequence of erroneous asestneiil must do so
in writing before the expiration oTtfiis notice, as
no deduction will be allowed after the list is closed
and turned over to the collector.
Eugene City, the 10th day of March, 1S69.
E. W. FOLSOM,
U. S. Assistant Assessor,
mlSn2 5th Div., Dist. of Ogn.
TL. O O HERE I
PJ-OU THAT WANT BARGAINS -IN
FURNITURE!
Such as Chairs, Tables, Bedsteads, Wash
stands, etc. : Crockery, Carpets, Bedding, Looking-glasses,
Doors, Sash, Blinds, and in fact any
thing in the line of house-keeping, are invited to
call at the residence of J. B. Sprengc-r, and make
your selection, as he will sell everything saved
from the fire that destroyed the Pacific Hotel at
the very lowest rates, for a few days. Call early
and get the first choice.
Residence on Second Street, We?t of Washing
ton, Albany, Oregon. J. B. SPRENGER.
I ' RATES OF TOLL
OVER THE
Willamette Vallev and Cascade
Mountain Wagon Road
To Deschuttes River :
Four Horse or Mule team... $t 50
Two " " " .". 00
One " " 2 00
Ox teams, three yoke..... 4 50
For every additional yoke 50
Loose horses, per head 25
" cattle, per head 15
" sheep cr hogs 3
Teams returning empty, half price.
Pack animals, loaded.- 50
" " unloaded 25
Horse and rider. 1 00
To Kisli Lake :
Four horse or mule team, each way 2 00
Two " " " 1 50
One " " ' " " 1 00
Pack animals, loaded 50
" unloaded 25
Horse and rider J . 75
Ox team, three yoke 2 00
To Upper Soda Spring : -
Four horse or mule team, out and back 2 50
Two " .. .. . 2 00
One " " " 1 00
Horse and rider, . " 50
Loose animals, ' " 25
Ox teams the same as horse teams.
A. HACKLEMAN,
W. W. Pabkish, Pres.
Sec.
March 20, 1809-28
BTOTICE
IS HEREBY GIVEN, that the annual school
meeting of District No. 5, Linn County, Ore
gon, will be held at the school-house on Monday,
the 5th day of April, 1869, at 1 o'clock P. M.,
for the purpose of electing two directors one to
fill vaeancy for one year and one for the full
term and one clerk. Also, to levy a tax to re
pair school-house and fence. By order of the di
rectors. A. N. ARNOLD, Clerk
Maroh 18, 1869-28 ' ofDisUNo. 5.
NOTICE.
Guardian's Sale.
BY VIRTUE OP AN ORDER to mo granted
by the County Court of Polk county, Oregon,
at the February term, 1869, I will, on
Tuesday, 30th day of March, 1869,
at 10 o'clock A. M. of said day, at the door of
the Court House in Albany, Linn county, Oregon,
offer for sale at public auction, tho following de
scribed real estate in said Linn county, to-wit :
The -undivided- one-tenth part of tho donation
land claim of John Ingram and Larrisea Ann In
gram, deceased, claim No. (56) being part of sec
tions 1, 2, 11 and 12, township 16 south range 4
west ; also part of seotious 1 and 12, township 16
south range 4 west, oommencing at Henry Hays'
donation laud claim south-east corner, thence east
61 rods, thence north 204J rods, thence west 109
rods, thence south 71 rods, thence east 48 rods,
thence south 133i rods' to the place of beginning,
containing 99 acres, from S. P. Hamilton.
There is of the donation 254 acres, 160 acres of
this subject to the life estate of John Sutton,
leaviug 193i acres clear of any incumbrance. ,
Teems or Sale United States gold coin: r
A. 6. HAMILTON, Guardian :
j ..... of Francis M. Hamilton,
r j ,. Bvbos W. IlAnrLTOjr, j
. . : '. Melissa J. Hamilton.
February 15, 1869-24w4 ..
SATURDAY, MARCH 27, 18G9.
AGRICULTURAL.
HOW TO KEEP EGOS FRZ5H.
As detailed in the Maiao Parmer, the
following very simple plan we have never
tried , and know nothing practically
whether it be effectual or not. We
found it in the "Farm Journal," quoted
from the "English Agricultural Gazette."
Vre pas3 it over to our readers for their
consideration.
Take a half-inch board of any conve
nient lenth and breadth, and pierce it as
full of holes (each one and-a-half inches
diameter, as you can. I find that a board
two feet and six inches in length, and
oue foot wide, has five dozen iu it, say
twelve rows of five each. ;
Then take four strips two inches broad,
and nail thera together into a rectangu
lar frame. Kail this board upon the
frame, and the work is done, unless you
choose to nail a beading arouud that too.
Put your eggs in this board as they
come from the poultry house, the Small
end down, and they will keep good for
six months, if you take the following pre
cautions : Take care that the eggs do
not get wet, either in the nest or after
wards. (In summer, hens are fond of
laying among the weeds or grass and any
eggs taken from such nests in wet weath
er stiDuld be put away for immediate
use.) Ieep them in a cool room in
summer, and out of the reach of frost in
winter. If two boards be kept, one can
be rilling wr.i'e the other is emptying.
Tre writer accounts for the preserva
tion of eggs in this way by supposing
that the yelk floats more equally in the
white, and has less tendency to sink
down against the shell, than when the
egg is laid on one side certainly, if the
yolk touches the shell it spoils immedi
ately. HINTS TO HOUSEKEEPERS.
IJow to keephot water always in the
house. Let your wife find out that you
visit another woman, and you will never
afterwards be out of hot water. This is
infallible. 5
How to bone turkeys. Get up at 2
o'clock A. M. The darker it is the bet
ter. Climb over your neighbor's fence
and bone the first gobbler you can.
You had better bone two or three while
you are at it, as it saves trouble. . You
will find this plan very economical.
To make hasty pudding. Make your
pudding, and leave it out on the door
step to cool, carefully shutting the door
afterwards. In five minutes -return and
you will find it the hastiest pudding
imaginable, it being perhaps five or six
squares off already.
The best beats Those on which the
policemen have the least trouble. Never
have dead beats about your kitchen.
How to obtain calve's head jelly.
Consult one of the outside butchers, and
question his veracity on the subject of
mutton, and incidentally accompany the
rebuff with an insinuation that he is of
canine extraction. You will have calves'
head jelly pretty soon.
Pickles Always be disputing with
your relatives. A very sour pickle will
be the consequence. These pickles are
usually put in family jars.
To clean house. Get. up an alarm of
fire and invite the members of the fire
brigade into your premises. They will
provide a bountiful supply of water and
wash the house thoroughly until request
ed to delist. i
Irish stew. This is a favorite viand
variously prepared. The most expedi
tious method is to attend a wake and in
troduce a discussion on the wrongs of
England, through Ireland's ingratitude.
The recipe is from the works of ancient
Scald. ' ". '
CURES FOR FELONS.
As there is much needless suffering
from felons, we deem' it a duty to give
the following remedies : ..
Take a portion of the bark of sweet
elder, or hops will do, put it with some
sweet cream into a cup, and boil a short
time; then put in a lump of saltpetre
twice a3 large as a pea, let it slowly dry
away to the consistency of a salve, which
apply to the. felon. The saltpetre is the
cure, but the elder bark and sweet cream
aid in easing the pain. As felons some
times make it ; necessary to amputate a
finger or hand, (if left alone), they should
be attended to immediately. - f
Here is another cure : As soon as the
parts begin to swell, wap the affected
part with a cloth thoroughly saturated
with tincture of lobelia, and the felon is
dead: An old physician says . lie -j has
known it to cure in scores of cases, and
it never fails if applied ia season. Uu
Hakd o.v the, ,4,,J5LOOU.,' -A the
Russian Emperor's daughter speaks Ger
man imperfectly and the Bavarian King
is a poor French scholar and knows not
one word of Russian, the two loversjhaye
to do their billing and cooing in - broken
language.
The fastest time" on Record is , that of
an Australian horse which ran ten miles
in 23 minutes and 35 seconds. '
Why is a patch of corn like a dunce !
Because it's always liable to have its ears
pulled. ' ' ' - ' ";
The House has refused to increase the
pay of the Justices of Supreme Court or
the pay of Department Clerks. ; ' , '. '-'
"Especially shun whisky, fast women
and the United States," were the dying
words of a man who was hanged in
Canada the other day.
:f . (
It is estimated that the State of Ne
vada in 1SU8. produced 16,000,000 in
bullion. ' ... ''";,
The first medical diploma e ver ' " given
in Russia was received by M'me Kasche
warow a feck weeks since. i .
VARIOUS ITEMS. ' '
Why is a hen immortal ? . Because her
son never sets. , , .
A poor woman can see more sympathy
in a six-pence than in streams of tears.
Most of the shadows that cross our
path through life are caused by bur
standing in our own light. r
Why is a restless ' sleeper like a law
yer? Because he lies on one side, -then
lie turns and lies on the other. a i;
A Yankee doctor recently got up a
remedy for hard times. It consists of
ten hours' hard labor well worked in., .,
Why is it important for a physician
to "keep his temper?" Because if he
did not, he would be apt to "lose his
patients." "' 1
Squibbs, in view of the last election,
gives it as his deliberate conviction that
ducks may lay eggs, but only c;eese lay
wagers. ... - - . ., ;'-. ",;:-i.i!
It is said "President Johnson ; Trill go
out of offiee poor." : Poor, in reputation
we surmise. According to Shakespeare,
this makes him indeed poor.
A clergyman "out West" furnishes trie
following novel epitaph, which tre I hate
not seen before : '
Here lies the mother of children five;.,
Two are dead and three are alive.
The two that are dead preferring rather
To die with the mother than live with
the father. ,
Ananias B. Knott has obtained a di
vorce from his wife, in St. Louis, oh the
ground of "cruel and abusive treatment'
lie was Knott, her husband, and she was
Knott, his wife. Now she is not;-.that
is to say, she is Knott, and he is divorced,
still he is Knott. Why not? ' '. ....
We do not, care .not, and will not add
another knot to this knotty couple of
Kuotts. ,. 1
A windy orator, after a lengthy , effort,
stopped for a drink of water. . s ; , ;
"I rise," said Bloss, "to a point of
order."
Everybody started, in wonder what the
point of order was. j .-- i ; 1 i:
"What is it?" said the speaker.- . j
"I think, sir," said Bloss, ''it is out
of order for a windmill to go by water. ,
By one decisive argument, ' ; . ,
Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent '
To fix the bridal day. I
"Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed ?
I shall not change my mind," she said.
"But then," says he, "I may.".
A distinguished New York actress
Iafely introduced a lawyer' in "company,
who was not at all backward in sounding
his own praise. ' .!''
"He is a mighty smart , man," an! ac
quaintance remarked soon afterwards.
"I know it," she replied ; "he told mo
so himself." ' - " "
A clergyman, '. who was consoling a
young widow on the death of her' hus
band, spoke in a very serious tone, re
marking that he was "one of the Jfew.
Such a jewel of a Christian you cannot
find his equal, you well know." ' ' "
To which the sobbing fair one replied,
with an almost broken heart,
"I'll bet I will." , :V 1
Are those hells ringing for fire ?" in
quired Simon of Tiberius.' " tL " ' '
"No, indeed," answered Tibe : "thejL
have got plenty of fire, and the bells- are
ringing for water." . ,? , - , v-Sbl
"Did you ever know such a mechaoibal
genius as my son?" said an old. lady.
"He has made a fiddle out of his . own
head, and has wood enough for another'
It is better' to have strength of princi
ple than mere muscle, but better yet to
have both. . A man who ia strong in 'ia
tellect and instep is on the best terms,
with nature and the world. ' .
There is a place down in Virginia
where old maids never' get t6 be over
thirty-five. - They live up ' to that age
and then go back to twenty-five; and to
finally go out of the world. as Iresh .and
fair as a pumpkin blossom. A,
Swift, who reasoned, upon the folly of
the dread of death, sums, up thus x' fit is
impossible that anything bo natural, Bo
necessary, and so universal, as,.;deatb,
should ever have been designed by Prov
idence as an evil to mankind." " 4
The -woman who marries for "money !a
not overstocked with delicacy. 4 , i -. n?