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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (May 3, 1914)
THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAN. PORTLAM), HAY 3. 1914. MIC D00LEY ON TOE MILITARY CAREER,. Jy feeler Fin fey . "They were well armed an manny i ELL., sir." said Mr. Dooley, "I'm glad to see th' throuble in Ulsther ts over." "Whaf happened?" asked Mr. Hen nessy. "It's hard fr me to make out fr'm th' fragmentary reports !v th' corry epondtnts," said Mr. Dooley. "But as far as I can see th" situation stands about like this: Th' ar-rmy Iv Ulsther has won a splindid vickthry. but th' English ar-rmy has not been disgraced. It has rethreated with colors flyin', dhrums batin', an' nay-ether its honor nor its buttons tarnished. Gin'ral Ed Carson, th' dauntless leader iv Ulsther, magnanimously permitted th" officers to retain their side arms, dancin' pro grammes, tea caddies, an' enough mar malade to sustain thim ontil fresh sup plies can be for'arded fr'm home. Gln' ral Carson Is to be proclaimed king or impror lv 41 per cint lv th" County lv Anthrim, impror lv 30 per cint iv th" County Down, an' protictor iv th' Coun ty Donegal, or such part thereof as needs his protlctton. It was a gr-reat war, an I'm glad it's over an' ordher has been restored in Ireland. Now ye may see some fightin". Tallorin' Department Delays, "Arly in January th' King lv Eng land ordhered an immejit attack on th' rebels undher Gin'ral Carson. A coun cil Iv war was hurridly called, consist In" iv Gin'ral Lord Guff, Gin'ral Lord Stuff, Gin'ral Lord Bluff, Gin'ral Lord Muff, an Gin'ral th' Hon'rable Percy Algernon Herbert Fluff. Owin" to th unaccountable delay in th' tailorln' de partmint th' unyforms were not com pleted ontil arly In March, whin Intlnse iv thim were in th' shipyards, where it wn d be almost impossible to attack thim without talon" a polisman along.' excitemint was noticed at th" war of fice. "Cabs dashed up an' dashed away, waiters rushed in an" out, an' all th' grim signs lv th' comin' conflict cud be obsarved. Inside th' ol sthructure, whin th' tea things had been cleared away, th' sthratejists gathered around th' board an "laid out th" plan iv cam paign. Afther that ivints followed in rapid succission. It was determined to reconoither th' inimiy's position at wanst. "A sthrong foorce undher Gin'ral Fluff swooped down on & nelghborin" news stand an", afther a brief but fierce resistance, which did honor to both par ties, procured copies lv all th' mornin pa-apers. These were hurrid to th' council boord. where afther a hasty examination lv th' racin' news th' gln' rals gleaned fr'm spies that Gin'ral . Carson's foorces numbered In th" neigh borhood lv fr'm wan thousan' to five hundhred thousan' picked men. most iv thim silicted fr'm th' ladin stores lv Belfast, but lncludin a gr-reat manny who had seen achal service undher Lord Londonderry, ayether mounted or as footmen. "They were well armed with rifles, monkey wrenches, pick axes, pikes, hosepipe, bricks, nutmeg graters, an' religious convictions. They were in threnched behind counters or in but lers' panthries an' manny lv thim were In th' shipyards, where it wud be al most impossible to attack thim without takin a polisman along. Gin'ral Carson la Guarded, "Gin'ral Carson himsilf occypied a house in th' suburbs, where he was heavily guarded be a few zealous frlnds fin' made occasional sorties in a cab fr lunch or dinner, but always took his breakfast at home, like th' ol' cam paigner he is. "It was plain at wanst that it wud be worse thin folly to attimpt to- at tackt this dlsprUt an' well armed or-gani-zation. ' " 'It is apparent to me that we have been outmanoovered," said Gin'ral Guff. " 'It wud be a military crime to sacri fice a British ar-rmy in such a rash en therprlse," said Gin'ral Bluff. " 'Carson Is in a disprit mood." said Gin'ral Muff. " 'Hiven knows what he might do if pressed. He has had lagal thrainin' an' he might get out an Injunction against us. I will not lead me gallant fellows against a possible concealed writ or some devilish conthrivance like that. I've been in such an action befure. In th' chancry coorts, an' I know th' cost," he says. "So it was detarmined to sind Gen'ral Lord Guff over to see th Sicrety lv War an' discuss th' matther with him. Th' supreem chief iv th' ar-rmy re ceived him sternly an", afther th' tea things had been cleared away, de manded to know why he had disobeyed ordhers. an' wud he give him a light? ""We have decided to discontinue this crool, onnecessary war, says th" Gin-ral gruffly, puffin" a clgareet '"Why?" says th' Sicrety iv War an grily. " 'Because.' says th" Gin'ral, "in the first place th" Inlmy ar-re armed," says he." " 'That is a raison that don't appeal to me at this distance,' says th' Sicrety lv War haughtily. " "An" in th' sicond place." says th" "Good mornin', Alexander; take that. How d'ye do, Michael th' same to ye with this pick ax!' Gin-ral with risin' anger. "I won't make anny further sacrifice iv blood an' threasure to put Ireland in th' hands iv people that keep Lent with so much bigotry that they'd soon desthroy th" salmon flshin'," says he. ""Why didn't ye say that befure?" says th' Sicrety iv War. " 'I had no idee that such a horrible catastrophy was starln' us In th' face, he says. An", embracln' th' Gin'ral an' plnnin" th' Victory cross on his chest, he' sint him back with Jnsthructions f'r th' ar-rmy to beat a hasty rethreat An' they beat it "I don't blame English Gin'rals fr not wantin' to fight thim Ulsther men. If I was an Englishman, which, thank goodness, I'm not, th' last lnlmy I'd pick out wud be thim tough fellows fr'm th' north. As foreigners I despise them, but as fellow counthrymen an' inimles I hold thim in th' highest re gard. "Now that th military has retired, if th" polls will kindly step aside, we'll resoom th' argymint where It was left oft whin th' English had th presumtion to intherfere. Good mornin". Alexan der: take that. How l'ye do, Michael, th" same to ye with this pick ax! We undherstand each other perf eckly. So we must fight. Nawthin' leads to throuble so quick as a perfeck undher standln". Th' English don't undherstand us an' they always mess things up in Ireland. They are tn onralsonable an' slow actin' people, while we're raison able an' lmpetchus. "But whin sojers sthrike I- don't know what's goin' to happen. Th' nex' thing ye know a poIiBman will refuse to catch a burglar because th' house he's robbin' Is ownded by a Republican. Thin a fireman will come down th" lad der, throw th hose on th' ground, an" say: "Cap, I ain't goin" to squirt out that fire. I see a pitcher iv Willum Jennlnfts Bryan on th" wall." An' th" cap will say: Te done right, me boy. Sind th' comp'ny back to th' Inline house.' Gln'raU Should Not Fight. "Annyhow, I don't blame a Gin'ral f'r not wantiri' to fight. With a sojer it's diffrent. but if I was a Gin'ral divvile a fut cud they dhrive me Into a war without they loaded a cannon be hind me. If a statesman come to me an' saw. "Gin'ral Dooley, in ordher to square mesilf with me constltooents in Kansas I must ast yet to grab th' ol' flag an' rush into a gory grave.' I'd say. "No. thank ye kindly," I'd say: "I'm comfortable here. It's a good Job, th' quarthers are to me likin". an" I'm told be th' fair that th' unyforra is be corain'. " 'I have no hard feclin's at all again anny foreign nations whativer. Th' foreigners I have met has been agree able fellows. If ye feel badly about th' way th' govermint Iv Pattygonya is actin. if ye'er lmpetchus blood is bilin' beyond endurance, if nawthin' but slaughther will satisfy ye'er ardent nature, ye'll find me soord hangin' in th' cloBet. Take it, me boy. an" lead ye'ersilf to death or victhry, or both. I'll stay back here an" tell ye what to do fr'm time to time," I'd say. No, sir; if Andhrew Carnaygie ra-aly wants to have peace an' isn't on'y on a spree with his money, he'll stop hirin' orators an' thry to have th" .English idee took up be all th" wurruld. Lave th" makin' iv war to th" gin'rals an' we'll have peace. No gin'ral ought to go to war onless he was ready, an" no gin'ral that knows his business ought ivcr to he ready. Maybe that's why we've had so few wars lately. "Th" statesmen ar're always pre pared to fly somebody else at th' throat lv th" lnimy iv their country, but Just as things looks fine f r a fight th' gin'ral steps in an" whispers in th' statesman's ear: . 'We are in a ' wretched state Iv onreadiness. We have on'y three millyon men an" not more thin siventy thousand millyon rounds iv ammynition, an' we'd be bate in a week." an" he goes home an" goes to bed an" th' nex" day th" pa-apers says th' situation has been improved by mutual concessyons. Privates Want to KtKkt. "'But with th" private sojer it's dif frent. If ye left it to him there'd be nawthin' but war. Th' martial jooties lv a sojer In plpin' times lv peace, as Hogan says, seems to excite htm to go out an' kill some wan. A young fellow, afther changin' his name so's his parents won't know he's took up th' ancient an' noble proflssyon iv arms, enlists an" goes where glory waits him. Whin it ketches him it ayether puts him to wurruk at his old. thrade at wan-fifth th" union scale or taches him a new an' akelly on pleasant occypation. A plumber who goes Into th" Army to duck th' dis graceful pro-flssyon at five dollars a day finds he's wipin' jints in th' bar racks fr wages that wud make th' walkin' dillygate have him shot at sunrise. Whin not dhrlllin' or writin' letters to th' pa-aper complainin' about th' food, he idles away his time in curryln" horses, shlngltn' roofs, hoeln' weeds in th' Colonel's garden, or wheel in th" Major's baby in . th' . peramby lator. Some day he does some thin' that if he done it befure he become a hero th' most he cud get wud be a ten days" vacation In th" bridewell. Th' coort-martial takes Into account all th extenooattn' circumstances an' gives him two years at hard labor. Small blame to him ff ye niver hear him yellin' "hooray whin Andhrew Car naygie goes on. No, sir; if I had lver been timpted be thim colored pitchers to enlist an' th' Gin'ral was to coma to me an' say, "Corporal' fr I'd be that or nawthin' "th" Governmint wishes ye to go out an' fight Hinnissy, ye'er bent, frlnd. Can we rely on ye?" I'd say, 'Hinnissy? That little, disagreeable fellow? Why, I've wanted to shoo' that man fr forty years.' "Thin I will lead ye to victhry." I don't care where ye lead me to. Only lead mi away fr'm here." " "I see in th" pa'aper that if thirr Gin'rals were in Germany . they'd b hanged," said Mr. Hennessy. "If thim Gin'rals were in German j they wudden't be Gin'rals," said Mr Dooley. (Copyright 1114 by Dnler Peter Dunne.; A Thrifty IOver. (Lippincott's.) When She returned from her Summer vacation, she received him with an icy demeanor. "I'm going to give you back your en gagement ring." she said. "I love an other." "Will you give me his name and ad dress?" he inquired, as he took the ring. "His address!" she -exclaimed, in sur prise. "What are you going to do? Kill him?" "No. Indeed," was the reply. "I wan, to sell him this ring." A JL &J . iOME!" said the man who was cooking the bacon and eggs. And the man who r-pened the cabin door and came In out of the biasing sun said: "I'd like to trouble you for a drink f water. We're putting in these tele phone poles in the hills here and my partner's gone off somewhere with the water bottle." "Help yourself," said the prospector, motioning with his fork to an ice box in the further corner of the room. 'Raise- the lid. You'll find a bottle against the ice." "Ice!" repeated the stranger. "I am in luck! Didn't know there was such a thing this side of the saloon. I certainly picked out the right cabin when I came hunting a drink of water." "It's that ring," said the prospector, watching the hand that was pouring out the water. "It had to find its mate." He came over, and, setting down the platter of bacon and eggs, laid his own hand, back up, on the oilcloth-covered table. "There's Its mate," he said. "Strange;" said the other, putting his hand beside It. On the little finger of each gleamed a single pigeon-blood ruby. The set tings, too. were identical of dead gold, rudely hammered out by hand. "Mine has a flaw in it," said the telephone-pole man. "'So has mine," said the prospector; "the same flaw." "I got mine in the Philippines," said the telephone-pole man; "from my bunkie. Won it In a poker game." "And I got mine where your bunkie got it." said the prospector: "from our mother." "Then you're " "Joe Balton'a brother Dave."- "Gray Is my name," said the other. "Harry Gray." Next moment the two hands with the two ruby rings were clasping each other In mutual greeting. "Poor Joe!" aaid Gray, pouring out soma more water. "He was killed not long afterward." "Yes." said his brother, putting more dishes on the table, "and we had him brought home fur burial. But I often wondered what became of the ring. Sit down! If we're going to be friends, we might as well commence now." In the course of the meal. Dave Balton told Harry Gray about the rings. Their mother, in whose family they had been for many generations, gave one to Dave and or.e to Joe. fondly hoplns that they might help keep the boys together. There was an old tradition that wherever one ring was the other was sure to show up sooner or later. Dave said, quite seriously, that the two rubies were always seeking each other, and never seemed to be satisfied unless they were together. Whether the rings had anything to do with it or not, the wearers became great friends. When Harry Gray got through with the telephone Job, Dave Balton had him come and live In the little cabin, and the two men went prospecting together. They were In separable. Every now and then they struck something, but no matter whicll of them found It, it always belonged to the two.- It wasn't long before the two friends struck something worth while. It put a few thousand dollars Into the pock ets of each of them. "What are you going to do with yours?" asked Dave. - Oh, take another jolt around the world," said Gray. "I'm getting rest less. Want to come along?" "No," said Dave. Tm going back to marry the sweetest girl In New York!" And so they parted. Dave's few thousands enabled him to open a brokerage office, where he made a specialty of mining stocks. He mar ried the sweetest girl in New York, lived in an apartment in the '50s. and kept one maid. He was so happy that it was hard to believe any dead brother had ever figured In his love affairs. Ha heard from his friend occa sionally. A postcard came from China, then one from Australia; then one say ing that he was trying to start a revo lution in Nicaragua, failing which he was going down to Panama to see that the canal was dug right- That was the last. And when the baby came nobody knew where a find, the would- & NuIoy J?j -&er. 3 .. be godfather to acquaint him with the event The baby was a girl, but they called it- Harry. Just the same. She was christened Harriet. Little Harry was a year old, and could almost understand some of the things they tried to tell her about the godfather who was roaming the world, when her little life flickered and then went out entirely. She wasn't the only baby who Jed in. New York that 6am- mer, but she left an awful hole in the Balton family. A calm had settled on It after its first grief that stupid calm whicll makes people go about aa if in a dream. In this condition Dave was turning out of Wall street when he ran into some body. "Look out where you're going'.' said the man. The next moment two hands with ruby xinga were clasping, each other In affectionate greeting. There were tears in both men's eyes as the sor rowing one tried to tell the other of his bereavement. Dave took Harry Gray home and in troduced him to Mrs. Balton, who made everything as pleasant as possible for her husbands friend. He was with them about thre days when a new trouble happened. Dave slipped on the sidewalk and broke hie right arm. His wife was telephoned for and got to the hospital almost as quickly as he did. "What did they do with my ring? he asked, when he came out of the anesthetic and noticed the bare fingers that hung between the boards and bandages. "1 have It. dear, whispered his wife. "Ill give it to you when we get home." At the dinner-table that evening he noticed It on her hand when she was pouring out the coffee, but he didn't like to say anything before their guest. Afterward he reached out his left hand and asked her to put the ring on it. "Let me wear it for a few days," she pleaded childishly. "You used to. don't you-remember T" Then he remembered but not till then that he used to. and he felt less unkindly toward the dead brother. "I'd rather you would not. dear,"" he said. "I don't want you to wear it." She drew it off petulantly and threw it to him. "Oh, I forgot." ahe said, coming over and slipping It on a finger of his well hand. There It remained while he and the man who wore Its mate went about together, for Dave took Harry Gray everywhere, even to the office, where he proved a valuable substitute for the disabled arm, till he announced a sud den determination to go to Alaska. "Why, you" just can't go away from us now," pleaded Dave. "We haven't taken you anywhere yet Besides.' he laughed. Indicating the sling "we can not get along without you." "Oh. those boards '11 be off in a few days," replied Gray, "and you'll be all right again. Besides, I must go," he peristed, "or I'll miss my boat I've got to get to Frisco by the 15th." . And so he went. They expected to hear from him when he got to San Francisco, but they didn't They saw him about the boat leaving there on the 15th, loaded with passengers for the new gold region in Alaska. And they saw, too, where it Jammed into an iceberg and went to the bottom with all on board but five. The names of the five were given. Harry Gray's was not among them. Silent moods would come upon her, when Dave couldn't get a word out of her. Then, when he did. "Oh!" she'd say, as if he had brought her back from somewhere. She went downtown a great deal to the matinees or shopping. When he could he would come uptown and have lunch with her. because he didn't like to have her going around so much alone. He would leave her at the door of the theater. Afterward she would seem to have forgotten what she saw: or, at other times, she was so full of the play that she overdid it She would start out to buy some thing and come home without having made the purchase. Once she didn't get home till after he did. He was much alarmed and was telephoning to every likely place he could think of. when she walked In as frightened aa he was. In the midst of tears she told how she had gone on the wrong car and got lost. . Then, the next time, she didn't come home at alt. ' It was one of those sudden disap pearances that happen now and then in a great city like New York. When 5.000.000 other people don't get lost it doesn't attract the attention it other wise would. V . Dave Balton hired a private detect-, ive. He tried to keep It from the po lice, on account of the notoriety If the newspapers got hold of it; but he was neither a millionaire nor otherwise prominent, and, when they did. it soon blew over, except In his own heart He became an old man for his years and his neglected business went to the dogs. He kept the little apartment aB lone aa he could for the wife who might still come back to it He would have it that she had, suddenly lost her memory or, perhaps, her reason and would some day wake up and come looking for him. Hope is hard ta kill. He hoped for five long years, and when there was no more of his hard earned money left for he waa not making any more, and detectives don't work for nothing he took what h could get for his stored househol things and again went West to forget Great Changes had taken place In the years of his absence. He had kept track of things by watching the min ing market, but he was little prepared for the cities that had grown out of the sand. Many of the old camps, too, had died out entirely. He met an old prospector at Gold field. "Come over and stop with me a while," said the prospector. "I have a ranch In Death Valley. I've quit min ing and am raising Angora goats." They went along through Tule Can yon in his machine. "This is the only way ta travel," said Dave'a new friend. "Look at some of the others that went along this trail before on foot seeking first gold, then water. All the gold in the world wouldn't have bought it for them!" He was pointing to the bones along the way bones of man and bones ot beast, bleaching under the desert sun. Dave was surprised when they got to his friend's ranch. It was an oasis in the desert, with plenty of water and vegetation, and plenty of harmless Indians, who did the work about thi place In a shiftless, lazy way; for even the oaals was hot Sometimes he would go out with his friend and the goats on the hillside. At other times he would take, the ma chine and one or two of the Indians, and go prospecting for some of the fabulous wealth believed to be hidden under the bone-broidered sand. Not that he desired to find it He saw more than one heap of bones that told the story of a tragedy. Here and there were fragments of clothing still clinging to the short brush, whero the wearers had discarded first one (.Concluded on fax 6.),