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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (March 3, 1912)
The New Fable of the Old -Fashioned Prose cutor and the Popular Idols. ME morning great Jadga woe I has been promoted to tho Bench I MtuM ho rouM cot conntcl as a, lawyer, climbed up on bla Perch and directed the lord High Sheriff to feed bin a f w I ef r ndan ta. We tiri rounded up a toagh Tsoneh of Ginks." said tho Attorney for the Commonwealth. I aha:l uk your Honor to Soak thorn good and proper. Tbo first to bo 14 In was a grinning Imp with a wide Mouth. large Freckles ar.d f applr.g Ears. It wu proven that ho atuck Pins Into hs Grandmother and blow up Elderly r.er.tlemen with Cannon Crackers and j-t fir to Houi ami waa a hard Nut In general. Tho. Prosecutor suggested a 'tinvnii with Bread and Water. I "p spoke the Prisoner aa follows: I efy you to lay a Hand on me. I am ihe Pr-ind-Hy of tho Comic Artist and the Star Attraction of the Colored Sup P ement. When I ru:l t" ftrp-I-ad-cVr from under some Honest Worktng n.an. ri'mlnt Mm to break h! Leg. or HI a Hout ..!- In t'i Eye with a Hri-k. plea' ren-eri.s.'r that I am bringing Sun!, rie if to thousands of Homes. As I go n n way. commit ting Arson. :.l :i-ni an l Assault with Intent to K:l. I nm greeted by Praia of ltll'!ih liiii;hter. When you put me out of It is.rn-ns. oti will be hand Ira; t':e !r.-ur.iil'n an awful Wallop, I am n-'t a trl:nlnal : I ntn an Institu tion" "I renenifer yo'i v-rv well." said tho Jutlge. "Vimi are ni V Kxrtise for buy ing the Paper. Wlillc the Kids are busy !f FRANK LII.ME POI.I.ICK. TtlKUK Is a little taxidermist's shop on Fourth avenue which Is a cu rious place. It la very dusty and vrry full of strun;e fowl, tucked In. one beMnd tho other, on shelves that cover all of one side of tho room, and on the other a wizened litt'.e old man alta all lay Ion beslile a pile of most evll tmrlllnit skins un.i dispenses words of wls-Iom to whoever cares to listen. One rty when Marriott ran Into the shop for a fw minutfi before dinner, we found the old man In ecstatlrs over a new bird skin that had Just been brought in. It wa Urge and dirty and exceeding usMy. and It had a particu larly enl smeil: but It waa rare, and Marriott looked It over respectfully. It had a long neck. l'r.B. horny legs and iinaalr.ly feet avt.lenlly It was some kind of water fowl: Indeed, the claws mere still daubed with mud and black sand, and Marriott, being something of a a-eoloeist. r':d off a little of the sand and rubbed It through his Angers, while tho llit.e taxidermist got his raaln and washed off tho rest of It from tho bird. Huddanly Marriott started. He had made a discovery. "Where did you aay this bird cam from?" ho aaked. Tha old man stopped washing tho bird a less and becan to recount Ita his tory. The akin had been brought to him by a sea captain, he said I'aptaln Tourjee. of the M.iry Ann Salter from South America. Yes. he wiva iun bo waa stl.l In town: would Mr. Marriott Mko Ms address? Mr. Marriott, It ap peared, won'. I l;ke tt very much Indaed. lie took It down carefully, wrarped tho Inrrp of dirt In his handkerrhlef and walked swlft'y away down tho street. lelrc tho little taxidermist Staring afler Mm with won'!erlr- e e. HrK'.nald K.rneat Marriott, not Ion sln.e craduafd as a rrlninr engineer from li t Colleiie of Affiled Silence, had I: l own way to make in tl-.e world and n..tr .:: k to make It with but brains. It Is t'ue tl:at he cam" of an ancient fam- ll whose name had surrlve,i us pros perity, ar.i tat this connection let him Into as much New York society as waa lies F erso rom i uttriiRrmcr. ;E to The very seejy-looklnx uus; man ma1 his way with difficulty dwn the orridor on the ninth floor of one of Now York's best hotels, says the Pop ular Mairaxlre. anJ knicked lou.IIy at Ms friend s door. Ans-ilsh was writ ten on his face an! wr'nkles cn bis cli'thes. He was a walking slxn of sl-.i: It means to spend a hard niKlit. ha: s tho matter:" called out the ie;.y friend. -Jl.itter? It's a trace'y. a death. t' enl of all things ruination and grief 1 -We. I. what It IsT' l.ully lo.iulre.1 the drowsy man. without ojen:n the do.r. Whereupon the seedr-looklnjr youn man. leamrs ajrainst :l:e door and Iifl in his vo.c to a howl. reiliol: "I railed up my wife on the lonr distanre t.-ler-hone last right an tolJ her why 1 had not returned. I gave her a perfe. tly soo.1 excuse. And now 1 can t remember what It sul" I'Rim ITI Ri- Sena'or Tollman, ac or lire to Tho Washington j".r. was submitting to an Interview in Washington. One ques tion, however, caused him to say with a lur.: -Oh. that question Is pre-nature. Its l:k the remark of Littr Tommy. -Tommy, whenever a visitor came to the house, would hae his head patted, and then ta vts'tor would say: "Well. vlios litrle boy are )u" -Tommy, after a while, thought he would try Ms band at this sort of thinr Iiimisif and & wumi woaa a young Safest ...:V4V! iJ ;v,-i5$s,- ir r. i' j-ill1,.. : IRE VI A TAI.L GAl AID VERT P with you I look up Packey McKarland and On'-P.ound Hosran." Juat aa tho Celebrated Jurcnlle hit tho Fresh Air the seronj Defendant came Into the I'o. k. t:iklnir lona; sneaky Strides and undulatinir like a Roller good for him: hut nobody felt called upon to assist Mm In any more practical way than by lnvltinir Mm to dinner, and this, as It happened, was a very se rious matter, for there was a woman In the caie. It was Kdlth Whyard, the only daughter of Mr. G. C. Whyard. who livd on Madison avenue and had an office on Broadway and waa report ed to be a multi-millionaire. Though no one seemed to know exactly tho source of his Income, his style of living bore out the assertion, and on the strenirth of It Mrs. Whyard waa mak ing an attack opon the portals of so ciety. Naturally, when It became ap parent to her maternal eyo that her dauahter waa allowing her affections to drift In that unprofitable direction, she looked with extreme disapprobation uvn young Marriott, and her husband had for him tr.e profound contempt of the practical man for tho man of schools and theorlea Accordingly, when Mar riott asked the old gentleman for his daughter, he was promptly forbidden the house. Matters were In this state when the young man paid his visit to tho taxider mist's shop and saw the bird with the mud.ly feet. That night ho worked hard In the sn . ill laboratory ho had Otted up In his room, wrote a letter to F.dJth. parked Ms possession and paid his l-iils. and tl:e next morning at daybreak he sailed out of New York Harbor In a south-tund steamer, with hope In the heart, a wisp of blonde hair In his watcl.-c.ise an i a lump of black mud In his Insi.le coat pocket. It was a year after this and tho grass was green avAtn on Madison Square before news was heard of him. Then. one April momlnr. he presented himself at Mr. Whyard a office on Broadway. Ho was broxen and roughened and ho was wearing a new suit and a conrident air: the old gentleman hardly knew him and he gave Mm a mora cordial welcome than he would have got If his preten sions had been fresher. EUth had had half a dozen lovers since h!a day and both the father and mother fan cied that the d ms:er from tnai quarter was over. Marriott asked after Mr.. Whvard. "And Miss Edith?" ho mid eaaerlr. "lou remorooer. air. A fl ,SftMrflrTHt0UlP3ANPJC5T5rR0iMPEN50rTllLNEW?PAPEI)lllM0RI5To umorous fens man sat In the parlor with his sister Tommy tapped htm on the head and pl;.ed: "Well, whose father are you?" A iik i .di:rtood it. The lofty browed, scholarly man who was officiating as toastrr.aster at tho ban.iuet turned to the man sitting next to hi:n -What is the next thing In th order of exercises?" he asked. The other made a whispered re sponse. -rioae say that again: I didn't quit catch it." The answer was repeated. Gentlemen." said the toastmaster. rls-.nc. "the next thing will be an Irish sonic by taat prince of entertainers. Mr. Boc.llsh. entitled "Ha! Kenny liottlo I.er Seen Kell Leer "Chicago Tri bune A Keratetfwl Pair. There Is a story circulating this week , about a yours: man who awoke one i n-.ornir.g with a lased feeling that something creat ami epoch-making had happened to him. and who sat down forthwith to write a letter. "Dear Clara." he wrote. "Ton know vhat a poor memory I have and how tnunl I rrt. and so I am sura you will forgive the question I um going to ask J you. I distinctly remember proposing to yon last mpht. but I have completely forgotten whether you accepted me or not. Would you mind t'll ng me?" The reply came by return mall, and taa younc zoaa Xeeia no mora taat a ALE, WITH BELLADONNA OPTICS. . . . Bh waa a tall rial and very Pnle, with Belladonna Optics and her Hair shook out and a fine rhythmical Bellows MoTement above the Belt Line. "She Is a raylnc Beetle," explained tho Prosecutor. "She wants to KO out -from Whyard. that I lovo her. that I hope to marry her aome day. Last year I waa poor, but now I can support her as you would desire. I have property worth ISOO.O00." he added modestly, -and I have a practical certainty of more than 10 times as much." ; vi w xmcs V new era has begun. This was the an swer to his note: "Dear Jim: I. too. have a poor mem ory, and in writing to me you have helped me out with a problem of my own. I distinctly remember saying 'No to some one on the evening you mention, but I had forgotten to whom. Thank you for telling me." Washing ton Btar. Wife "Why do yoa always read tha marriage licenses ao greedily th min ute you get the paper?" Henpeck "Just to ae If any of my bated anamlea ax about to gat thalra." doors every Night and count the Moon and pull some of that shlno Magazine Poetry. Every time she sees anybody named Eric or Geoffrey she does 6woon. accompanied by the customary Low Cry. and later on. In her own Boudoir, which Is Richly Furnished, she bursts Into a Torrent of Weeping. If you start her on a Conversation about Griddle Cakes she will wind up by giv ing you a Diagnosis of Soul-Hunger. Bhe Is a Candidate for Padded Cell No. 1 In the big Foolish House. If she con tinues at Large aha may accidentally marry soma poor misguided Clarence and then. If there are any Children, the Neighbors will have to take cars of them." "Do you not recognlxe me?" asked the Prisoner In low musical Tones, fix ing a passionate Gaze on the Court. "I am the Heroine of a Best Feller. If I did not have these larse Porcelain Orbs and the bosom heaving in Rag Time and tho Hair swirling In Glorious Pro fusion, do you suppose that a member of the I'psllon Pajama Sorority would sit up until 1 A. M. with Me and a Bot tle of Queen Olives and a Box of Chocs? If I made up like an ordinary Badle and talked Straight Stuff. Uo you think I could laat through Ten Edi tions? I may not be Human, but I can raise the Temperature of every Flat Jiead from Bangor to San Antone." "You are dead right," said the Court. "We couldn't keep house without you." So she proceeded to Exit, sneerlngly. her Garments rustling and & faint Aroma of Violets lingering in her Wake. Just as It does In the Red Book that sells for 11.50. The next Prisoner was a big hand some Buck with his Clothes recently pressed and many Gloves. "I want a Llfo Sentence for this Guy," ald tho learned Prosecutor. "He la so crooked that a Straight Edge would cut him in a thousand places. He would bite an earring off of a Debutante or blow open a Family Vault to unscrew the Handles from the Cas ket containing Father. He promotes phoney Corporations and sells Florida Cap Whyard wheeled his swivel chair md looked the youns man In the face with very evident amazement. "Ten times fS'OO.OOO!" ho cried in credulously. "What Is this property of yours?" "Platinum." said Marriott, "lou see. Quips and Flings Willis The old pioneers were won derful fellows! Glllls Yea Just think of men founding cities without an advertising agent or even a slogan! Judge. Husband Tou look badly today, my love. Is It that you are ill? Wife No, John: It's this last year's hat I'm wearing. Harper's Bazar. , a FYlend Waa your play much of a success? Author Success? Why. the women wept so that most of them went horn with' their true complexion. Puck. Frost How's your little daughter's musical education progressing? Snow Finely. At first she could play only classical stunts, but now she can do ragtime. Llfa. Doctor The Increasing deafness of your wife Is merely an Indication of advancing years, and you can tell her that , M Husband Hum! Would you mind telling her that yourself, doctor? Christian Intelligencer. "Uncle Gabriel, are yon In favor of votes for women?" -Docs ytm all mean. suh. dat me an Liza could bof voter' "Yea." "Ah ahuh does favah it, den. Dat would be $4." St. Louis Post Dispatch. "How cold your nose Is!" Thea word cam from the daughter j.,Ti.rT. , . t. -st -r - r siTrpili rrrwrfrr j.rr tts THE PROSECUTOR SUGGESTED A DUNGEON WITH BREAD AND WATER. Orange "Groves that have Crocodiles swimming around on top of them. He is a prize Bunk, a two-handed Grafter, a Short-Change. Artist and a Broadway Wolf. Slip him the Limit." sir." he went on quietly, "I ran across a sample of dust from South America last Winter: nobody else knew about it, so I went down at once and discov ered the place. I only brought up a few thousand dollars' worth, but I havo half a ton in dust and nuggets all ready down there, and the rivers are full of it. But what's the matter, sir?" Whyard had turned pale, and sank back In his chair. He roused himself, however, and questioned the young man quietly enough. "In what part of South America Is that?" said he. "Southern Patagonia, not far from Magellan Straits and near the coast. But will It be all right about Edith, sirr Whyard leaned forward in his chair and drummed thoughfully on the desk. At last ho turned back to the young man; there was a pleasant. If somewhat forced, smile on his face. "Well. I guess I might as well glvs in, Mr. Marriott," he said. "As you say, things have changed. Call on Edith if you like. As soon as you show your mine is as rich as you say It is, she can do as she likes about marry ing you, but not before." Ho held out his hand and Marriott grasped It gratefully. "That's fair enough." said he. "But there won't be any trouble about the platinum business, sir. Here's the map of the place. Here's my cache," he ex plained eagerly. "This Is where I did most of the washing. The streams are full of it." Whyard took the map and scrutinized it carefully for a long time. Then he returned it. "That looks good." said he. "But mind, no engagement till you Teallze on your stock. Now won't you come up to dinner? Mrs. Whyard will be glad to see you." Marriott went borne to dress. He bad secret doubts about the accuracy of the last statement, but ho found his prospective mother-in-law courteous, and Edith was lovelier than ever. Tho three weeks he was obliged to spend turning his pounds of platinum into ready money and negotiating for a coasting steamer for the return to his treasure, passed like a pleasant oram. le fun . of the house, who was sitting in the I parlor with her beau. ' "Is Towser in the parlor again T" de ! manded her mother from the next room. I There was a long pause. "No, mother; Towser isn t in tne par lor." And then silence resumed its reign. Louisville Courier Journal. "Full aealn. Wombat? I thought you turned over a new leaf." "Well, the darned thing blew back." Washington Herald. "What on earth got the matter with Perkins to go home, break up the fur niture and chase his wife into the street with a clubr "Why, one of the women at a suf frage meeting pictured him as a model husband." Tou've Bot me wrong, Steve," said the Prisoner, softly. "I used to be a Depraved Character, but now I am tho Big Hero. Under the revised Code of Morals a Handy Boy who goes out and A Tale and. Adventure Ho spent part of every day with the Whyards, and although he saw no more of the father, who, he was told, had been suddenly called away from town, he always saw Edith, and he was more than content. When, after three weeks were over, ho sailed away again in the tramp steamer Montevideo, which he had chartered and manned especially for the voyage, ho was already count ing the days when he could return for her. Ho carried a picked crew of 20 men, and in view of the wild region to which they were bound and the valu able return cargo, shipped a few Win chester rifles and plenty of ammuni tion. Thirty-three days were consumed in the voyage to the Rio de la Plata days of impatience for Marriott and at Buenos Ayres he was detained for two weeks In negotiations wth the Argen tine government for mining privileges. Judicious financial arguments, how ever, pushed the business through, and 10 days later he sighted the black headland behind which his treasure lay. Aa the Inner bay came in sight there waa a cry of surprise, for there, an chored close inshore, lay a small, gray painted steamer. Marriott examined her carefully through a powerful bin ocular. Her decks seemed deserted, but natives could be seen swarming around the vessel, canvas tents pitched on the beach and men moving about among the rocky hillocks where the platinum was concealed. If not already discovered It was in great danger. It was doubtful what reception they were to expect, but as Marriott grimly surveyed his 20 able-bodied seamen with their Yankee officers, he felt he could rely upon them to obey his or ders, whatever they might be. Marriott stood on the bridge, anxious but determined. There was evidently a good deal of hurry and bustle on shore, but the stranger's deck remained empty and the Montevideo's salute re mained unanswered. Apparently she had been left at anchor and her crew disembarked for work on shore. Mar riott thought he had best inquire first on board for some one in authority, and he bad a boat lowered and manned. As A m ond the Poets SONNET. ("And for failing of Love on our part thereof Is all our Travail." St. Julian.) Oh, tell me not through Pain is Wis dom won. Gaunt, heavy-handed, sparing young nor old. Dimming the luster of our youth s brave gold Before the day is spent the race be gun. See yon frail cobweb that the spider spun. Broken, by fingers rough and over bold. Mark the drenched Toses their soft petals fold. Drooping for lack of warmth and Au tumn sun. Oh, Pain, how can I bow me to thy creed? Tell me that snows the fairest blos soms wake! Tell me that shattered lutes best music make. Tell me that strength lies in the broken reed. Tell me all this and then for pity's Tell me that Love, not Pain, is what men need. Rose Henniker Heaton in Westmin ster Gazette. At Keswick. In mountain-girdled Keswick, once I sate Beneath the stars, discoursing with a Bp trims a Boob for everything In hia Kick becomes recognized as a Comedy Hit and every Seat on the Lower Floor goes for two Bones. Instead of doing a Lock-Step to and from the Broom Factory I work up to a .Dress Suit Finish and marry the Swell Dame. And the Mob is with me. If it came to a straw Vote between me and Lyman Abbott I would win by a City Block." "The Gentleman speaks the Truth, said the Court. "In this Fair Land we forgive a Man anything if his Work is Classy. Instead of committing you to the Pen I shall arrange to spend the Evening with you." The next was a tall snaky Female with black Beads all over her Person and she was smoking a Cigarette, half closing her Eyes as she blew Rings to- word the Celling. "Judge, she is some Brazen Hussy, believe me," said the Prosecutor. "After tnrninsr FliD-Flops around the Ten Commandments for 15 years she married a Good Man and put him on the Fritz. Her regular Job is to loll on a Divan and turn tho Coaxing Eye on some poor Geezer who is wandering from Drawing Room to Drawing Room, trying to have his life wrecked. Please send her up. She is a Menace to Re spectable Society." The Prisoner looked at him in haughty Disdain. "I am not a Low Woman," she said, proudly. "I am a Matinee Favorite. The Best People In our City hang their Chins over the Seats in front and cry softly whenever I get into Trouble. Don't lock me up or they will be lone some." "Go, Woman, and keep on Sinning." aid the Court in a kind voice. Then, turning to the Defender of the General Good, he said: "You are two years behind the Procession. , Here after arrest only Business men who have been Successful." MORAL Criminality is merely a Side-Issue. (Copyright, 1912, by George Ade.) of Love it approached the strange steamer a face appeared at a forward port-hole. "Throw us a line!" cried Marriott, and a rope was presently thrown from the deck, by means of which the young man scrambled aboard, leaving his sailors in the boat with ready rifles. There was no one visible but the man who had thrown the line, and to an in quiry for the captain he replied by Jerking his thumb toward the after deckhouse. Marriott knocked on the closed door, and then pushed it open. Two men were seated at the cabin ta ble. One was evidently the captain: the other was Mr. G. C. Whyard, of Now York! "What does this mean, young man, boarding a peaceable ship In an armed boat? It's an aot of piracy!" roared the captain. Then Whyard stopped him. "This gentleman's all right, captain. If you don't mind I'd like to talk with him a few minutes." And the shipmaster sulkily retired. "Well, my boy," he resumed at length iu as parental a manner as he could command, "I didn't look for you quite so soon. Perhaps I ought to have told you at once in New York that I am the American representative of a com bination that practically controls the world's supply of platinum. The tons of -It you talked of putting on the mar ket would ruin the price, you see." "Thanks for the hint," replied Mar riott, dryly. "It really hadn't occurred to me. I think you need not fear that your own stock will depreciate that is. not very much. But I shall have to trouble you to see that your men do not load my property Into the wrong vessel." When Marriott was married to Edith, some three months later, he was pres ident of the Magellan Platinum Mining Company, and the bride, as her father beamed upon them, wondered that his dislike for the groom had been so quickly overcome, but she will never know anything of the little drama, so intimately concerning her, played In that lonely Patagonian bay. (Copyright by Shortstory Publishing Company.) of the Daily Press Whose plaid bespoke him of a Highland clan Renowned for sons, bold, true and pas sionate. Not far away, in moonlight armor, great Skiddaw reposed among his warrior van; The Derwent, near, a wandering min strel, ran. Hinting of deeds that legends old re late. Soon, clouds arose to mar the glamored night. And charging winds maneuvered through the spruce; Yes still, up Scotia's ancient paths of might Our spirits climb, like those who scorn return. Seeming, betimes, to hear the voioe of , Bruce, Thunderous, upon the Held of Bannock burn. C. G. Blanden. in Chicago Post. ' SELF-EXPRESSION. "I've bared my soul," the maiden said, "In this erotic book;" The publisher, he shook his head And wouldn't take a look. He said: "The public in this age To read it wouldn't cars. They've learned to look upon the stage For maids with soles laid bare. St. Denis, Duncan, Hoffman, greet The eye, and so I answer: To bare the sole is but the feat Of any bare-foot dancer. Kansas City Time.