THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, SOVE3IBER 21. WOO.
6
I tf l"U 111 V
WAUACfi fRVVftf )
xm
Dwws fry Cousin Ketfl
l J km. rj 9 .v
e r. li i v i. i n -w i i l.vv umw'4 spv.i i i v enj si; i
Jill -; - . - i vr "r
TALKING TO PORTFOLIO DIAZ
Who's Who in Havana
- Cigar Language Land
To Editor Oregonian. where English 1s
still spoken.
Respectable Sir:
B AND Cousin Nogi was also pres
fB ent at that auspicious moment when
' ' Hon. Wm. Taft. Pres. of IT. S.
and lion. Portfolio Dial. Pres. of Ilex.,
shook each other so lovingly on Interna
tional Bridge, saying in sweet Spanish
syllables. "Silas dido vanilla. Scnorita!"
t do not understand this Havana
Cigar Language, but Cousin Nogi. who
,ha-e been in America long enough to
learn nearly every education, explain to
!m that Hon. Taft was saying. "When
' In history have two such Rulers met in
'this way?" and Hon. Dial was saying
.' "tro such Rulers as you would wreck tho
bridge!"
(Maybe you must not publish this con
versatlon. Mr. Editor. Cousin Nogl is
oftenly a -ery truthless reporter.)
Wo stood in crowd of Pinkorton Police.
Gendarmes, Militia and other loving sub
1 jects. One loving subject, lnflamnwd by
Mexican gin-wine, holla. "Mexico &
America is sweet sisters by one mother!"
"They must have separate fathers, their
: complexions is so different." yall Cousin
Nogl 'with voice. Several foot-kickers ar
; rive to us from. Plnkerton Police who was
.there to see that International Feeling
' did hot explode & kill somebody.
Pretty soon Hon. Taft & Hon. Diaz,
disappear In direction of Dining Car
holding- each other's elbows like twin
affinities. Hon. Taft was talking In
Spanish. Nothing he had said since his
Tariff Speech has been so hard for
Americans to understand.
When they was completely gone
away. I look to my Cousin Nogl & say
distinctly:
"I must make Interview to that Diaz
main. He is not only the Champeen
Kuler of the 'Western Hemisphere, but
he'- Is also so rich that he would "be
noticed even In the V. S. Senate."
So I buy car-fare to City of Mex and
another similar one for Nogl (who Is
married & can't therefore afford nothing)
an together we take a trip through that
large, blank Kingdom of Mexico where
folks la yellow like Japanese, but much
less refined. Of finally we arrive to City
of ilex, where we must await 2 weeks
for", arrivo-back of Hon. Diaz, who had
not yet done so.
While awaiting them 2 weeks we spend
our time at Bull-Kill game, which are
a very brutal sport, and therefore en
joyed by all.
. Of finally we learn by news-print how
Hon. Diaz have arrived back, so we
buekled on.our frockaway coats and silk
derbies and. with Immediate quickness,
eloped to Presidential Palace.
Tills place look like a White House,
rui
xo
it
G
i OIN" to celebrate Thanksgiving-,
I s'pose?" said the House De
t.efive of the St. Reckless.
"I am." said the Hotel 'Clerk, "re
gardless of expense. Thanksgiving day
is one of the institutions that have
come down to us from the Pilgrim
Fathers that I'm very strong for.
About this time of year I open the
paper some morning and after I've read
the dispatches from Breathitt County,
Kentucky, and the accounts of the foot
ball games and am properly stocked
up with enough disaster and sudden
death to carry mo over for the next
twenty-four hours In a right frame of
mind, I turn to the inside pages and
find there a proclamation by the Presi
dent stating that whereas, owing to the
new tariff and the Republican party
being in power, all of us are in a high
state of prosperity, or If not, it's our
own fault, and therefore be it ordained
that everybody gives thanks next
Thursday, except turkeys, pumpkins,
oyster stuffings and possibly the par
ents of a few dozen half-backs and
tackles and things.
"We ought to celebrate loo. not only
In memory of the Pilgrim Fathers, au
thors of the New England boiled din
ner and tho well-done witch, but be
cause when we ioon arounu ua vie ki
ihat we've got a whole lot of things
to be thankful for.
Lemme see now:
There's the North Pole, for example.
I'm verv thankful that the North Pole
has been discovered so extensively and
thCrouglily. and that it's been decorated
with nails and flags and grass tubes and
souvenir postcards and" colored photos of
Matt Hanson, until the next dauntless
explorer will think that what ho beholds
looming before him across the frozen
wastes, is The Farthest North Five and
Ten Cent Store. Ksquimoe Levy, pro
prietor. I n!was have contended that
the Pole wasn't properly wrapped up to
withstand the rigors of the climate up
there. So I'm thankful fur that, too
thankful almost for words, and if the
gentlemen wno say mey oeen meic
1 . . ;n . I. r. - ..io nlPA5incr flllri word
less state of mind, I honestly believe I
could cry out In my joy.
"I'm thankful, also, that the little
Mount McKlnley incident Is settled for
the time being. Dock Cook says the
guiding gentleman who accompanied him
as far toward the summit as the city
t;Kftnl9 -fnnt. In several dip
fcrent kinds of a' liar, and the guiding
gentleman nas responua '
, 1 - Ua mA ftf them. SO.
iar be it from me to intimate that either
one of them is wrong in his diagnosis.
"I'm thankful for the prospect of a
nice quiet Winter. Colonel Gwana Tumbo
won't be home till Spring. I'm thankful
that we've had a successful horse show,
because a honse is getting to be quite a
tihow anvway, and I'm thankful to note
In the public prints that the ladies at
1 tho grand opera have quit trying to out-
ntrlp one another in tho matter of dress.
' Soma of them did so much outstripping
but more large & satisfied, like the Pres
ent Incumbrance were expecting to be
elected, as usual. Cousin NOgl carry a
pocket Dictionary of Spanish, so he will
bo able to answer any hard words we
chance to meet.
In Receiving Department of this Palace
we set patiently till a gentleman look
ing like Hon.'Wm. Loeb disguised as a
drum-major, approached to us & say
tackfulls
"Would you Japanese Schoolboys wish
a audience with His Excellent Suprem
acy?" "No. Sir, thanks plenty." I report. "Me
and Nogl are , shy about talking to a
audience. A confidential chatter with
Hon. Diaz will be sufficient laborious,
thank you."
So six Police. 2 Bull Fighters & a
PUikerton remove all umbrellas, -watches,
cigars other deadly weapons from
our clothing. Our photos, measurements
and previous bad character are handed
over to Chief of Police, and after being
examined by a Chemist to see that we
are not poisonous In any way, a Major
Genera! In a suit of gold embroidery,
march up and say,
"You are permitted to address Pres.
Diaz as suspicious persons."
So me & Nogl are lock -stepped for
wards and ushed into a room which ap
pear very high & expensive, like the
Czar of Russia had just moved out. On
some fancy .furniture in center of this
compartment sat a familiar Statesman
of Colorado maduro complexion. Cousin
Nogl give me sly nuj and advance for
wards opening his Spanish Dictionary
in hopes of finding1 some polite words.
"Beano Diaz, Senor!" he pronounce
booklshly.
Pres Diaz look to Nogl with iced
glance.
"Excuse, please, I do not understand
German." pronounce this Mexican boss,
speaking American with a Cincinnati
axent.
I step outwards bending my respectful
stomack.
"High-up Sir." I say with bends,
"please not to listen to Nogl he is only
my Cousin, but I am Hashlmura Toga,
a yellow reporter, coming here to inter
view you for a few important replies.".
"I am prepared for anything" say Hon.
Portfolio, folding his lips like a hero.
"Many folks believes," I deploy, "that
you are a very wrong King; that you
press the peasantry, batter the Indiana
and refuse to go to Africa on Mach 4, as
modest Persons has done."
"So. ha!" express Hon. Portfolio with
smiling teeth. "Senor Togo, you have
been reading the magazines."
"Is it not true that Mexico is a rude
country full of savages and other bar
bers?" I reproach.
Lb!
last year that I expected any day to hear
of arrests being made. 'Twas hard to
tell whether a society icaaer was uieou
for an opera or an operation. And on
many a cold night Lncla de Lammamoor
and old-fashioned lumbago ran a dead
that
heat. And 1 m very, very uiaimiui
. . ..rr.:nctta TY1 IlL'P tTl f Tl t 1 aCQUiring
such headway in this country."
"iou are7 saia me riuuse iwnn.u
In a startled tone of voice. "Fur why?"
"Because." said the Hotel Clerk, "when
the women get the vote maybe then
they'll quit taking all the men's Jobs
away from them. I'd be entirely recon
ciled to the idea of having Mrs. Belmont
or aire, uarence r a v iv, , . v
with May Marton as the secretarette of
stale ana airs, itonrer in tuwuo
Department of the Interior and Butter
lck's Fashions as the official organ of
l A .3 n. iniatrallrtn if T OnlV had the
guarantee that the' hand that rocks the
cradle wouldn t eventually o iue uouu
that lays the DricK.
"Just look around you. Larry, and see
how few pursuits are still left to the
? Who dves us
our dictations at lmme and takes them
from us at our oinces out tpcua
of the words wrong and has the same
idea' of punctuation that a fir has?
Woman, lovely woman, strong-minded,
horny-handed woman, that's who. Who
is It that we used to give up our seats
on the streetcar to. If by nature polite,
but now takes them away from us? Need
I ask? Who is it that fights with us for
the most desirable place in the aisle and
wins It by main brute strength? You
know already without my telling you.
How often, as you travel back and forth,
does It make your heart bleed to see
some inoffensive and shrinking young
haberdashery clerk forced to dangle from
a strap, limp and wan. while a brawny
lady boiiermaker or female scene shifter
sits with her feet out in the aisle occupy
ing seating space for two? But you don't
dare to protest. She might make your
nose bleed, too. In our boasted, civiliza
tion what has become of the tender,
shrinking, fragile female of our grand
father's day who suffered from megrims
and vapors, and regarded taking a pill
as being in the nature of a square meal?
Don't ask me, for I can't tell you. I
guess, though, she's put on a walking
skirt and a pair of bulldog shoes and Is
out trying to take some poor roan's
means of livelihood away from him.
Anyway this isn't grandfather's day any
more. It's grandmother's. And she's
there with the wallop, too.
"Who's got most of the desirable
Jobs in the business world and is hot
after the others? Is it little Johnnie
Jones? No, sir. it's all his sister Sue.
Who's the tennis champion? Cousin
. . . . . .1 v. V. . 1 M
Maggie. wno" mauo bwi
score at the country club this Fail?
Great Aunt Clarissa, seventy-four years
old. and prominent in politics.
1 ten yuu, . " " ' o 1 " -
debt of gratitude to those dear lads
that Still retain poseeavij HI i-wo uuo
goods department and the embroidery
counter &i nio ur.iuu. "
mayn't realize It,- but they're pretty
Ik. 1 V. ., 1 V A-f lit SA-V T
near inn ma, uu. " -
ui therefore take a minute off and be
taw m- -i m
Ttnn. Portfolio Diaz lean back in nis
cozy chair and offer me a chew of to
bacco from a silver plug.
"When we met at El Paso," he re
port, "Senor Don Blllio Tafta of Wash
ington and the United States asked ma
the same similar question.
" 'Portv he says. am t aiexico
pretty tough Monarchy, in spite -of the
way we love it officially ? Ain't it ashamed
the way you go on year by year for
getting to resign and nominating your
self by exclamation every time there's
a Republican convention anywhere?'
" 'Bill, I says, 'you're jalus. You are
disabled to obtain a third term because
Public Sentiment is against it. In Mex
ico I am Public Sentiment. Same ways
with everything else. Whenever you
take slight trip seeing America, persons
is always arising "up in audience asking
for smart replies about Tariff. In Mex
ico never have to answer such hard
replies, because I am the Tariff!" "
"But do not Mexican newspapers make
sais-talk to you sometimes?" is next
from me.
"Seldom, if never," he explode calmly.
"You see, I am also an editor myself."
And the Grand Old Man of Mexico drag
from his pocket a slight rag of print with
following information
"Daily Reporto Mexica'no (P. Diaz, Busi
ness Manager).
GREAT . FUSIOX MEETING!!
All Indications Point to Popular Land
' slide for OUR POPULAR HERO.
"At Oddfellows hall last night a rousing
fusion meeting was held, the capacious
temple being packed by all classes of
citizens, including two Insurgents who
eluded the police. Hon. P. Diaz, Republi
can candidate for President, was the first
speaker (applause). Many able arguments
were enjoyed, after which the second
speaker. General Portfolio Diaz. Demo-
VH&.HABFDeXSHE.R.V CLERIC
LIMP ANbyArJ'SFORCED'TO-
.n ; OTnlr,AA f.ir -Prosirtont- arose (31)-
plause) and said in part. 'Seldom in poll
ticks does two candidates agree so per
fectly.' "General Reyes, Anarchist nominee for
the same exalted office, was not present,
being detained in Yucatan by his rev
olution. The date of his execution is not
yet set, but It is rumored it will be some
time In the Spring."
"Are elections very popular in Mexico?'
require Nogi impudently.
"Intensely so," say Portfolio. "Would
not elections be popular In United States
if nobody had to vote? Hon. Frank
Hitchcock knows with bitter sorrow that
elections ' in America cost our beloved
sister republic the sum of $2,000,000 each
time it Is shot off. Mexico is not wealthy
enough for such dissipations. When elec
tion day arrive here it come so quietly
no one knows It is there. The Secretary
of War. the enter or ronoe ana me presi-
dent of the Cigar-makers' Union meet at'
of War. the Chief of Police and the presi
.
h Tni ahnfcn hands and vote, as usoial.
for the Regular ticket. No noise, no
riot only an occasional shooting is en
joyed." "But there are many delicious abuses to
be reformed in Mexico, ain't it?" I ask
intelligently.
"I acknowledge a few." otter him. I
am also told that some sections of Amer
ica needs reforming."
I make note of this phenomenal.
"Mexico have Indian slaves." I dib.
"America have Child Labor," lie snipp.
"Mexico have a cruel prison system," I
reject. "
"America have a cruel Railway bys
tem." he rebuke.
"Cheese up this conversation!" whisper
Cousin Nogl. "If 2 lonesome Japanese
should tight all Mexico, they would be
bruised.
I change the subject with voice full of
tack?.
"Hnn Fittreme Highness, 1 smigssrst.
smoothly" "What affectionate
spntlnient
, t.b. nnav from Hoil. Fle3 1 aTl
when you separated away from him?"
Hon. Diaz look uply with deep Span
ish eyes. Immediately I noticed lie was
a Potn In addition to his other jobs.
"Ah' that Bridge at El Paso!" ha nar
rate. "How should I forget it the
Bridge' Wasn't there once a great Ameri
can bookmaker, name of Longfellow," he
reauesh.
"Hon. Chas Fairbanks was a long fel
low." I derange.
"Not him this Longfellow was a Fost
er" what wrote rhymical song-eing called
The Bridge.' It was a pretty good poem,
but I have fixel It slightly."
Ho produce an excited manuscript from
desk and show it to me and Nogl. rol
lowing was it:
The International) Bride.
t cinnH r,n the Bridge at Texas
When the gong was striking for lunch
And William stood in the middle
(You could hear the timbers scrunch)
And a? he stood so nea-r me,
Hie fair hand laid in mie.
, budget of Thoughts came o'er mc
That filled my eyes with brine.
How seldom. O how seldom
in the Modern World, I wis.
Ha a Light King trumped a Dark one
In a game of Bridge like this.
And I thought how the Correspondents
Who noted our hour of pride
Would be tapping the good old cables
O'er the ocean far and wide.
And I thought of the many millions
In various mining specks .
By Yankee concerns invested
In the mineral lands of Mex.
And I could not help reflecting
As I stood on that structure fair.
That Blood is thicker than Water,
And Water Is thicker than Air.
"That is nearly the best Poem I ever
read." I say unanimously.
"It might sound very well In Spanish, '
report Nogi.
T v,v-o ftptilv thoueht." say Hon.
Diaz, "that, when my term of office ex
pires. I should imitate Don Theorodoro
Rosfelto and become a magazine writer.
"When shall you retire?" require me
r XTrtari PTMtahlv.
"Queen 6abe?" require he is perfect
Spanish. "A great Philosopher once said.
When you are In you are very, very In;
v,,. n-hon won ara Out vnu are Nowheres.'
Do you know the name of the Philosopher
wi uu "u"
what said that wisdomr
also thankful for Clarence and Algle.
Women to sell us safety razors and
cooking stoves in the basement, women
to put up the prescriptions in the
pharmacy on the top floor; women to
do the buying for the carpet depart
ment and the grocery annex, but, thank
Heavens, there stand those noble boys
still holding the babyribbon and the
neckwear against overwhelming odds.
"If things keep on the way they're
keeping, on. what's ahead of us, I ask
you? I can shut my eyes and soe the
finish. Gentlemen admitted free at the
popular priced matinees when accom
panied by one paid admission and a
lady escort. A cfmical lady clown
standing on a blue barrel and holding
up a paper hoop for the barebaejt gen
tleman rider in the tarleton lamp shade
skirts to jump through, while a tall
and courtly ringmistress snaps a
blacksnake whip and a troupe of husky
canvas mesdames and misses tote in
the Iron tank containing the perform
ing seals. Bold girls-aL -'t-town, rep
rimanded by stern police court magis
tresses for flirting with' unprotected
vouths on the street. Supreme Court
justicettes. lady ..aggage smashers, fe
male headwalters, and Journeyman pi
ano movers and boss boiler makers
answering to the names of Clara and
Maud. I might lake a living, I sup
pose, as a manicure, ar.1 you'd do well
to be taking lessons in hairdressing.
If you don't want to become a charge
on the county.
"That's the way it looks from my
private box, Larry. And that's why I'm
so special extra thankful this Thanks
giving that the Suffragettes arc mak
ing those marvelous forward strides
that they've been bragging about- You
see when they get the votes and then
land the offices and then get the civtl
service list into the proper or female
bands and then get all the Federal pa
tronage carefully laid by", there may be
a fresh chance for us. They'll probably
be so busy designing plackets and
gores for the Flag a:.d Issuing black
and white stamps for mourning en
velopes and replacing the weather bu
reau reports with dally fashion hints,
that they may let up on this relent
less industrial warfare that's now got
Father wondering if he's too old to
learn plain sewing or laundry work,
should the worst come to the worst.'
"Ain't you goin" to do nothin' to cel
ebrate the day excep' just to go 'round
givin" thanks out loud?", asked the
House Detective.
"Oh. yes, I suppose so, said the Ho
tel Clerk. "I guess I'll go over the
regular route the same as everybody
else. We're a great people. Larry, as
you may have heard some of our
newspapers and our orators announc
ing In a subdued and modest undertone
from time to time, but when it comes
to thinking up a different method of
observing one of our typical American
holidays, I regret to report that we're
a large, sad. fliversome bunch. We
want to celebrate the very worst way,
and wo do. So I rather imagine that
on the coming Thursday, I'll eat about
four times as much dinner as I want.
And then I'll go to a nice steam-heat
"Perhapsly it was Hon. Socrates of
Athens." I detach.
"Ah no! it was Don. Joseplio ( an
nonio de Dan villa." corrode Hon. Diaz
brushing us out of his office l'ke we was
too numerous.
Hoping you are the same
Yours trull'
HASHlML'i; A TOGO.
(Copyright, ISM1, by the Associated Lit
erary Fre.s.s.)
Vscs of Kerosene.
How many housekeepers know the
value of kerosene to llpliten housework!
There are few departments where it can
not be used to advantage.
Try it the next time you clean silver.
Moisten tlie chamois with kerosene and
rub dlscolorations vigorously.
Two tablespoonfuls of coal oil to a basin
of cold water will clean windows in half
the time. Wash and dry with a soft
cloth or tissue, paper.
Porcelain lined sinks and tubs are
cleanel Instantly by rubbing with a flan
nel wet in kerosene. It can also he used
on cooking utensils if well scrubbed later.
To keep linoleum, hard wood, and
stained floors clean, cover the broom with
soft flannel and moisten with kerosene
Have ono broom and the same cover can
be used repeatedly.
Two traspoonfnls of coal oil in a boiler
of hot water will aid in quick whitening
of soiled clothes.
A flannel just moistened in kerosene
will keep mahogany furniture free from
that ugly look. It must be well rubbed
In.
Boxing as Aid to Writing.
Conan Doyle In the' Strand Magazine.
They say that every form of knowl
edge comes useful sooner or later. Cer
tainly my own limited experience in btx-
InK and my very large aciiuaiumie-c ".v..
r.f tUo. nriy.e rlnor found their
lllV limn. v. ..... - ---c. - ft
scope when I wrote "Rodney Stone. No
one but a ugniing man woum
think, quite understand.or appreciate some
.... . . , . m .-..-.- 41, a
of the detail, a in ui mure
l. T3 Tim ficrht "RprkS. tO a
BCeiie Mieo xn'j m.i., ... .
prize fighter as the latter lay In what
proved to be nis lasi. inncsr. j-m .......
t a iv. nT,-lT,,r animation Until the
lisi.en.eu v.ilh
reader came to the pInt where the second
advises Boy Jim. in lecnmcoj j"s"
how to get at nis ku oiiu,,....
"That sit! By , ne s gut linn; onU.i
.,. i v, k.j if wBR an Incident
uw man in mo ----- " " . ,
which gave me pleasure when I heard It.
A Bnchelor'a Plaint.
She left her babe with mo and went
To shop In town a while,
And I. before the day was spent,
Was much too sad to smile;
For eon before she passed from view,
-And left a lonely man.
It acted just as if it knew,
And then the fun began.
It wept and walled; it roared and
squalled:
It kicked: it's face turned red;
It squawked and blatted, howled and
bawled
Enough to wake the dead.
It yowled and screeched as lustily
As forty cats In fight
I never though such lungs could be
In such a tiny mite.
I heaved a sigh and setled down
To make the best of it;
And just before she came from town
The darling cherub quit.
Would she believe the little cuss
Had made such awful noiso?
Ah. no. She e'en addressed it thus:
"Oo bestest 'haved of boys!"
Chicago News.
ed theater, where all the ventilators are
tightly nailed up and wedge my semi
comatose form into an orchestra seat
that's two lasts too narrow for me
I'm one of those broad D's and sleep
through three hours of a musical show
and then go home and Indlgest freely
all night. And the next morning I II
be In a position to give thanks all
over again.
"For wot?" asked the House Detec
tive. 'For having lived through it," said
the Hotel Clerk.
The Making ot Slocks.
It will be found quite impossible to
economize time on tho home-made stock
and jabot. Money may be saved on them,
without a doubt; but money saved meaii3,
invariably, time spent.
Stocks and jabots, plisses. dainty ties
and collars mean, one and all, hand
sewing.
This is not all they involve. There
is a certain feeling for the beautiful
that should be cultivated, if It" is not
natural, rcfore the ordinary busy woman
will be a successful maker of lingerie.
' Failing In this, the lirft thing to he
studied is the model. No one who will
actually and faithfully copy a modol can
go far wrong. It often proves a danger
ous experiment to diverge In the smallest
particular from the pattern selected.
This Is a natural state of affairs, when
one realizes that the makers of exquisite
neckwear have spent many years per
fecting patterns and working out their
present models. Handwork and careful
measurements are the keynotes. Biieh
pieco of material that goes into a jabot,
for instance, should b" measured and
cut exactly like its model. This should
be accurate, down to tho very width
of the insertion and the lace, and even
to the size of the hem. The materials,
too, all have been thosen with an eye to
a certain desired erTeet. and they should
be followed without deviation, except in
the matter of .actual lace designs, which
are not usually matchahle.
5ureeaee of Sorrow.
A hundred years from now you will
not care
How strong men may oppress the
poor and weak:
You will not mourn because you may
not share
The privileges that today ycu seek.
A hundred years from now you will not
sigh
For pleasures that you have no right
. ' to claim;
You will not care for whom the ban
ners fly.
Nor be concerned because of praise
or blarne!
A hundred yc-.rs from now you'll have
no spite.
Against the ones whom you have
met in strife.
Nor will you steal "home softly, late at
night
To be cross-questioned by your wait
ing wife.
Chicago, Record-Herald.