TIIE SUNDAY OREGOXIAN. PORTLAND, MAY 10, 1908.
WHEN WO )3IM W4.SIT MFmmiL fmb
A RESCUE AS TOID IN THE IAN&UA6-E OF PROFESSOR, c5HORTY MS CAB E
YOU heard somethin about it, eh?
Well, long's they didn't get our
pictures In the evenin' papers
with a diagram of how it happened,
we're beln' let oft easy. And I ain't
nursln' any grouch, either. It -wasn't
a case of somethin' comin' along: that
couldn't be dodged. It looked like I
went out and hunted for this.
You see, since I put the studio on
summer schedule I've. been pikin' for
Primrose Park every Saturday about
noon, to see if me estate out there's
grown any durin' the week. Well, the
last time I docs It, I drops off about two
stations too soon, thinkln' a little out
door legwork would do me good.
It was a grand scheme, and I'd been
all right if I'd followed the trolley
track aiong the post road, but the
gasoline carts were so thick, and I
got to breathing so much gravel, that
I switches off.. I takes a nice lookln'
lane that appears like it might bring
me out somewhere near the place I
was headin' for, but as I ain't much oh
ftndin' my way where they don't .have
sign boards at the corners, the 'first
thing I knows I've made so many turns
I don't know whether I'm goin' out
or comin' back.
It was while I was doin' the stray
act, and wonderln' If it was goin' to
shower, or was only Just bluffln', that
I bumps into this Jncubator bunch,
and the performance begins. First
squint I took I thought somebody'd
been settln' out a new kind of shrub
bery, and then I sized It up for a lot
of umbrella Jars that had been dumped
there. But pretty soon I sees that It's
nothin' but a double row of kids, all
dressed the same. There muse have
been more'n a hundred of 'em, and they
was standln' quiet by the side of the
road. Just as much to home as if that
was where they belonged. Now, It
ain't the reg'lar thing to find any such
aggregation as that on a back lane,
and If I'd had as much sense as a
fam'ly horse In a carryall I'd shied and
rambled the other way. But I has
to get curious to see what it's all
about, so I blazes ahead, flgurin' on tak
in' a good look as I goes by.
At the head of the procession was a
lady and gent, holdln' some kind of ex
ercises, and as I comes-up I notices
somethin' familiar about the lady's back
hair. She turns around Just then, gives
a little squeal, and makes for me with
both hands out. Sure, It was her Sadie
Sullivan, that was. Well, I knew that
Sadie was liable to be float in' around
nnywhere in Westchester County, for
that seems to be her regular stampin'
ground since she got to travelin' with
the country-house set; but I wasn't look
in' to run across her Just then and in
that company.
"Oh. Shorty!" says she. "you're a life
saver! I've half a mind to hug you
right here."
"If It wa'n't for givln' an exhibition,"
says I, "I'd lend you the other half. But
how does the life-savin' come in? And
whrre'd you collect so many kids all of
a size? Is that pop. there?" And I
Jerks me thumb at the gent.
"Come over and we'll tell you all about
it," says Sadie. "Captain Kenwoodie.
I want you to know my friend Professor
MoCabe. Shorty, this is Captain Sir
Hunter Kenwoodie, of the British war
offlre." "Woodle," says I, "how goes It?"
"Chawmed to meet you, I'm suah,"
says he.
"Oh, Bplash!" says I. "You don't mean
It?"
Well, say! he was a star. His get up
was somethin' between that of a mounted
cop and the leader of a Hungarian band,
and he was as stiff as if he'd been
dipped in the glue pot the day before.
I'd heard somethin' about him from
Pinckney. He'd drawn plans and specifi
cations for a new forage cap for the
British army, and on the strength of that
he'd been sent over to the States to
Inspect belt buckles, or somethin' of the
kind. Talk about you're cinch Jobs!
those are the lads that can pull 'em out.
On his off days and he had five or six
a week Woodie'd been ornamentin' the
top of tallyhos. and restln' up at such
FALLACY OF LEGAL PROHIBITION
The Only Cure for Intemperance Is a Remedy That Makes Men Morally Better.
BY W. A. CUSICK.
IN view of the fact that the people of
Oregon will soon have an opportunity
to express their views on prohibition
t the ballot box, it becomes every friend
and advocate of the best Interests of so
ciety to take a calm and dispassionate
view of the subject, guided by the his
tory of facts as they relate to the sub
ject, unbiased by undue enthusiasm, emo
tionalism and Phardlsalsm with which
they may come in contact. As rational
beings we should study the results of sim
ilar efforts in the past, and profit by the
experience of those who have lived before
us, and if previous efforts have been
barren of good results, search for the
cause of failure and seek a more efficient
remedy.
The enthusiastic superficial observer will
often mistake symptoms for disease, re
sults for cause, and Is thereby led to
erroneous conclusions as to the remedy
to be applied. A prescription based on In
correct diagnosis can prove curative only
by fortunate accident In searching for
a first cause, then, let us get back to the
beginning and premise by expressing the
belief that lr every normally constituted
infant brain there are the germinal prin
ciples of mind and conscience. All the
permanent attributes of the adult are
germinal or embryonic In Infancy. The
Intellect may develop within certain lim
its, from ideas acquired by men of obser
vation, but conscience, the basis of
morals, must receive Its primary impulse
by being warmed into active growth. In
the sunlight of a mother's love and tender
guidance, fortified by the sacred In
fluences of home and fireside. If these
vivifying Influences are withheld during
Infancy and early childhood, the germ
of conscience Is absorbed and rendered
Incapable of development afterward, and
a moral monstrosity is thus thrust upon
the world.
The savage Indian is an Illustration of
this primary neglect. We may make a
material Illustration of this idea; by sup
posing an Infant, physically perfect, to
have one limb so secured as to render It
perfectly passive. The devolopment of
the limb soon becomes embarrassed and
ultimately ceases to make progress. The
vital principle which presides over phy
sical development has been balked and
thwarted until It becomes extinct, or
ceases to make further effort, demon
strating the fact that mentally, morally
and physically our progress depends on
carefully nursing the original basic vital
principle and is, therefore, a subject of
education by proper culture and disci
pline, not a question of temporal law.
It Is my purpose to Impress the thought
that it is principally a question of de
fective moral training during the early
years of life which constitutes thai cause
of drunkenness and its concomitant, and
that the primary lesson must be given
and impressions made of a salutary na
Tw,wtJ.kijmu,g,jvi.iii,i,:
V J
"OH, SHORTYI" SAYS SHE,
places as Rocky wold and Apawamls
Arms. ,.
Seems like he'd discovered Sadie, too,
and had booked himself for her steady
company. From her story It looked like
they'd been takin' a little drive around
the country, when they ran up against
this crowd of kids in checked dresses
from the incubator home. There was a
couple of nurses herdin' the bunch, and
they'd all been sent up the sound on an
excursion barge, for one of these fresh
air blowouts that always seem like an in
vitation for trouble. Everything had
gone lovely until the chowder barge had
got mixed up with a tow of coal scows
and got bumped so hard that she sprung
a leak.
There hadn't been any great danger,
but the excitement came along in chunks.
The crew had run the barge ashore and
landed the whole crowd, but in the
mixup one of the women had backed oft
the gang plank Into three feet of water
and the other had sprained an ankle.
The pair of 'em was all to the bad when
Sadie and the Cap came along and found
'em tryin' to lead their flock to the near
est railroad station.
Course, Sadie had plied right out,
loaded the nurses into the carriage,
telllin' the driver to find the next place
where the cars stopped and come back
after, the kids with all the buggies he
could find, while she and Woodie stood
by to see that the incubators didn't
stampede and get scattered all over the
lot.
"So, here we are," says Sadie, "with
all these children, and a shower coming
up. Now, what shall we do and where
shall we go?"
"Say." says I. "I may look like an In
formation bureau, but I don't feel the
part."
Sadie couldn't got it through her head
ture must occur sufficiently early, other
wise the opportunity Is lost and the char
acter may be formed on another and un
desirable plan.
Then comes the school and church in
fluences and teachings to complete the
evolution of the normal intellectual and
moral man. Nevertheless It must occur
to us that In our schools as ordinarily
conducted, moral expansion Is too often
lost sight of In the race for purely in
tellectual acquirements, and In conse
quence many brilliant minds show an
alarming lack of moral ballasting in
fluence in after years of life.
How many can truthfully say: "In the
hour of temptation I was saved by the
recollection of a mother's prayers, and
a father's precepts and example and the
sacred influences of the home, exerted in
my early life?" And how many have
fallen In consequence of r. lack of these
early salutary Influences?
The only cure for Intemperance is a
remedy that makes men morally better;
that makes men Just from love of the
principles of Justice. Law will not lo
this. That an appeal to the law must, in
the near future, as in the past, prove a
failure, seems evident for the following
reasons: It Is based on a misapprehen
sion of the laws which govern the in
tellectual and moral forces of men. Law
does not convince nor convert; It ex
erts no vivifying nor awakening influ
ence on the better side of human na
ture or the finer attributes of the human
soul, hence it fails to control the appe
tite, or cure dipso-mania, or prevent the
acquisition of t)tt affliction. The writer
has known mer.y persons to reform who
had acquired the habit of excessive use
of Intoxicants, some through the per
suasion and influence of friends, some on
account of home and family, and others
who realized where it was leading, but
he has never yet known reformation to
result from prohibitory laws.
Prohibition laws deny your right to
maintain an Individuality. Is there a
greater piece of Impudence conceivable
than for another to say to me: "Should
you presume to take a certain article
of food or drink into your stomach I
will punish you for so doing with heavy
penalties." Am I not as much interested
In my own behalf as he? Am I not as
conversant with my necessities? Every
self-respecting person must surely feel
a repugnance, contempt, and even indig
nation for such meddlesome self-constituted
censorship. Every enlightened
person has the conviction within his
breast, that he is endowed with certain
inherent, original God-gjyen rights which
must ever remain outside the domain of
Legislative authority. To say "You
shall" or "shall - not" always arouses
antagonism and resentment. No man
worthy of the name will allow himself to
be so coerced. He may . be persuaded
by reason and kindly Interest, but driven,
never. Consequently coercive laws which
ua
'" .
H ) .
"YOU'RE A LIFE SAVER!"
though, that I wasn't a Johnny-on-the-spot.
Because I'd bought a place some
where in the county she thought I could
draw a map of the state with my eyes
shut. "We ought to start right away,"
says she.
She was more or less of a prophet
too. That thunder storm was gettin'
busy over on Long Island, and there was
every chance of Its comin' our way. It
let loose a good hard crack, and the Eng
lishman began to look worried.
"Aw, I say now!" says he, "hadn't I
better Jog off and hurry up that bloomin'
coachman?"
"All right, run along," says Sadie.
You should have seen the start of that
run. He got under way like a man on
stilts, and he was about as limber as a
pair of fire-tongs. But then, them leather
cuffs on his legs, and the way his coat
hugged the small of his back, wa'n't any
help. I was enjoyln'. his motions so much
that I hadn't paid any attention to the
kids, and I guess Sadie hadn't, either;
but the first we knows .they alt falls In
behind, two by two, hand in hand, and
goes trottin along behind him.
"Stop 'em! Stop "em!" says Sadie.
"Whoa! - Cheese It! Come back here!"
I yells.
They didn't give us any more notice,
though, than as If we'd been holdln our
breath. The head pair had their eyes
glued on the Captain. They were the
leaders, and the rest followed like they'd
been tied together with a rope. They
was all girls, and I guess they'd average
about 5 years old. I thought at first they
all had on aprons, but now I sees that
every last one of 'em was wearin' a life
preserver. They'd tied the things on af
ter the bump, and I suppose the nurses
had been too rattled to take 'em off since.
Maybe it wa'n't a sight to see them bob
bin' up and down!
In effect deny his moral responsibility will
continue impossible of enforcement.
The mania for perpetual enactment of
laws, and still more laws,' Is the curse of
our times, arid goes far to explain why
so little respect and attention Is paid to
any laws. If these enthusiastic reformers
could come to some sort of a common
sense understanding of human nature,
they might vary their method of attack,
on the "demon" by enacting a law re
quiring, under heavy penalties, that
every man. woman and child should
get comfortably full of whisky every 24
hours. This would stir up a rebellion
against alcoholic beverages, and give such
a black eye to the "traffic" as It has not
received in 50 years of effort by the old
method of "how not to do it."
The traffic in, and use of, alcoholic
beverages may be brought under control,
like our President Is striving to do with
certain trusts, but it will continue to ex
ist, notwithstanding all legal enactments
of sporadic ebullitions of "reform." It
is the history of mankind, and will con
tinue for ages to come, and when It does
cease, it will not be by force of law, but
because humanity has attained a higher
intellectual and moral level than it oc
cupies at the present time. If this phase
of moral reform can be accomplished by
M-pyem to legal enactment, wny don t
these professional reformers give us a
law so broad and comprehensive as to
cure all moral derelictions and Binful
tendencies which afflict Adam's degen
erate posterity, and thereby insure a
millenlal era on passage of the bill? If
mbral reform is so purely a question of
law, why not cover the whole ground, and
thereby give the world a generation so
morally pure as to be fit inhabitants for
the Celestial Kingdom? Indeed it ought
to prove an adjunct, if not a substitute
for the original plan of salvation. That
this thought is not extravagant Is evi
denced by the fact that many ministers
leave their pulpits during every campaign
to make stump speeches, and by their
acts at least turning away from the bible
teaching of regeneration through the
efficacy of the blood of Christ. nd oil
for the Irrational and absurd plea for
-"crnofltiit! 1 . .. ...
.luLiuiiot ttunsuuuieut, iorgetting
that law never convinces nor converts,
and that coercive reformation la at vari
ance with human nature, and in conse
quence has been a dismal failure since
humanity has had a history.
The absolute impotency of legal pro
hibition Is well illustrated by Profes
sor Beck In his work on Materia Med
ica. In discussing tobacco, which was
introduced into England by Sir Francis
Drake. King James I of England is
sued the first formal mandate Interdict
ing the weed in his domain. To restrain
the cultivation of tobacco In Virginia,
and prevent its exportation to England
several arbitrary measures were at
tempted during the reign of James I.
Following this effort the Popes Urban
III 'nJj
Woodie, he looks around and sees
what's comin after him, and waves for
'em to go back. Not much! They stops
when he stops, but when he starts again
they're right after him. He unlimbers a
little and tries to break away, but the
kids Jumps into the double-quick and
hangs to him.
I knew what was up then. They'd sized
him up for a cop, and cops was what
they was used to. You've seen those
lines of Home kids bein' possed across
the street by the traffic squad? Well,
havfn' lost their nurses, and not seein'
anything familiar-lookln' about Sadie or
me, they'd made up their minds that
Woodie was it. They meant to stick to
him until somethin' better showed up.
Once I got this through my nut, I makes
a- sprint to the head of the column and
gets a grip on the Cap.
"See here, . Woodie!" says I, "you're
elected! You'll have to stay by the kids
until relieved. They've adopted you."
"Aw, I say now," says he. "this is too
beastly absurd, y'know. It's a bore. Why,
if I don't find some place or other very
soon I'll get a wetting."
"You can't go anywhere without those
kids," says I; "so come along back with
us. We need you in our business."
He didn't like it a little bit, for he'd
figured on shakin- the bunch of us; but
he had to go, and the procession did a
snake movement there in the road that
would have done credit to the Seventh
Regiment.
I'd been lookln' around for a place to
make for. Off over the trees toward the
Sound was a flagpole that I reckoned
stood on some kind of a buildln', and
there was a road runnln' that way.
"We'll mosey down toward that," says
I; "but we could make better time,
Cap'n If you'd get your party down to
light-weight marchln' order. Supposa you
give the command for them to shed them
cork jackets."
"Why, really, now," says he, lookln'
over the crowd kind of helpless. "I
haven't the faintest idea how to do It,
y'know."
"Well, it's up to you," says I. "Make a
speech to 'em."
Say, that was the dopiest bunch of kids
I ever saw. They acted like they wasn't
more'n half alive, standln' there in pains,
as quiet as sheep, waitin' for the word.
But that's the way they bring 'em up in
these Homes, like so many machines, and
they didn't know how to act any other
way. Sadie saw it, and dropped down on
her knees to gather In as many as she
could get her arms around.
"Oh, you poor little wretches!" says
she, beginnin' to sniffle.
"Cut it out, Sadie!' says I. "There
ain't any time for that. Unbuckle them
belts. Turn to, Cap, and get on the Job.
You're in this."
As soon as Woodie showed 'em what
was wanted, though, they skinned them
selves out of those canvas sinkers in no
time at all. We left the truck in the road,
and with the English gent for drum
major, Sadie in the middle; and me play
In' snapper on the end, we starts for the
flagpole. I thought maybe it might be a
hotel; but when we got where the road
opened out of the woods to show us how
near the Sound we was, I sees that it's a
yacht club, with a lot of flags flyln' and
a whole bunch of boats anchored off.
About then we felt the first wet spots.
'They've got to take us into that club
house," says Sadie.
We'd got as far as the gates, one of
these fancy kind, with a hood top over
the posts, like the roof of a Summer
house, when the sprinkler was turned on
In earnest. Woodie was gettin' rain
drops on his new uniform, and he didn't
like it.
"I'll stajdiere," says he, and bolts un
der cover.
The Incubator kids swung like they
was on a pivot, and piles In after him.
There wasn't anything to do then but
stop under the gate, eeein' as the club
house was a hundred yards or so off. I
snaked Woodie out, though, and made
him help me range the youngsters under
the middle of the roof; and when we'd
gpt 'em packed In four deep, with Saflie
In, too, there wa'n't an Inch of room for
either of us left.
And was It rainln"? Wow! You'd
though four eights had been rung in and
all the water-towers In New York was
turned loose on us. And the thunder kept
and Innocent XII both Issued edicts of
excommunication against all who used
either snuff or tobacco. By some of
the Swiss cantons smoking was con
sidered a crime second only to adultery,
and to cap the climax of severity
against the plant. Amurath IV made
the use of tobacco a crime punishable
with death.
Here we have legal prohibition "with
the bark on," and emanating from au
tocratic sources, the violation of which
meant death, with purgatory to follow.
Still, in the face of all these efforts at
legal prohibition. Professor Beck tells
us that "the fragrant weed flourished,
and loyal subjects, devout Christians,
sturdy Republicans, and slavish-Asiatics
all resisted the law and yielded to
the influence of tobacco." And as an
evidence of the lasting salutary effects
of these prohibitions, the professor elo
quently, declares that "You And it in
the palace and the poorhouse; In the
stately mansion and in the humble cot
tage. The lonely exile solaces his
weary hours with it. The Joyous free
woman exults In Its Influence. 'Wher
ever man is found, its influence Is ac
knowledged. The citizen whiffs his
perfumed cigar, the poor man smokes
his sooty pipe. You And it on the
mountain-top and in the low valley, on
the land and on the broad expanse of
ocean. In the glittering halls of Paris
and in the dark mines of Pennsylvania
around the snows of the north and
under the burning tropics. In ' battle
and In peace, in storm and In calm In
wealth and in poverty, in sickness and
in health, the King and his subject, the
master and his slave, youth, manhood
and old age, all, all, resist the law and
bow to the magic Influence of tobacco "
Such encouraging precedents ought
surely to give a powerful impetus to
moral reform by turning the crank of
legislation and grinding out more pro
hibitory laws.
The zeal of .Prohibitionists might be
turned to good account if they could
come to the understanding, that to
build on the solid foundation of char
acter gives the only hope of success and
a sedulous guardianship and guidance
of the mind and moral evolution of
every child in the Nation, in early life
when the foundation of the character of
the future man Is being laid. Forty or 50
yeans ago, parents controlled their chil
dren; now children as a rule, control their
parents, which explains many of .the
faulty and weak places In our social life
Those who refuse to recognize and rem
edy except appeal to law, might do a
good, practical, sensible work by massing
their forces on delinquent municipal of
ficials and force them to wipe the North
End and Whitechapel dives from the
face of the earth: by withholding license
from, and revoking such as have been Is
sued, and bringing such reprobates and
law breakers as infest such places Into
court, and administering prompt and se
vere punishment. This is practicable.
But laws, though . piled mountain high,
will never prove acure for the morally
weak and degenerate of our race. The
prescription is formulated on wrong prem
ise. Salem, Or., April 23.
dr.. MlVo- --
JS -S! -Sis :": m Z it
"CUT OUT THE SNIFFLES, SADIE," SAYS I.
rlppin' and roarin"; and the chain-lightnln'
streaked things up like the finish of one
of Colonel Paine's exhibits.
"Sing to them!" shouts Sadie. "It's the
only way to keep them from being scared
to death. Sing!"
"Do you hear that, Woodie?" says I
across the top of their heads. "Sing to
'em, you lobster!"
The Captain was standln' Just on the
other side of the bunch. He'd got the
front half of him under cover, but there
wasn't room for the rest; so It didn't do
him much good, for the roof eaves was
leakln" down the back of his neck at the
rate of a gallon a minute.
"Wnly fu-fu-fawney!" says he. "I
don't fu-feel like singing, y'know."
"Make a noise like you did, then," says
I. "Come on, now!"
"But really, I cawn't," says he. "I
n-never sing, y'know."
Say, that gave me the backache. "See
here, Woodie," says I, lookln' as wicked
as I knew how, "You sing or there'll be
trouble! Hit 'er up, now!"
That fetched him. He opened his face
like he'd swallowed something bitter,
made one or two false starts, and strikes
up "God Save the King." J, didn't know
the words to that, so I makes a stab at
"Everybody Works but Father," and
Sadie tackles somethin' else.
For a trio that was the limit. The kids
hadn't seemed to mind the thunder and
lightnin' a whole lot, but when that three
cornered symphony of ours Is cut loose
they begins to look wild. Some of 'em
was dlggin" their fists into" their eyes and
preparin' to leak brine, when all of a
sudden Woodie gets into his stride and
lets go of three or four notes that sounded
as if they might belong together.
That seemed to cheer those youngsters
up a lot. One or two pipes up, kind of
scared and trembly.'but hangin' onto the
tune, and the next thing we knew they
was all at It, ivin' us "My Country 'Tis
of Thee" In as fine shape as you'd want
to hear. We quit then and listened. They
followed up with a couple of good old
hymns, and If I hadn't been afloat from
my shoes up I might have enjoyed the
programme. It was a good exhibition of
nerve, too. Most kids of that size would
WANTS ALL TAXES ABOLISHED
Aould Go One Step Further Than Advocates of Single Tax.
BY J. 1 JONES.
THE single-taxers have the matter
whittled down to a pretty fine
point when they want to cut out
all kinds of taxes but one. We go one
step further and then jump off. We
do not advocate the single tax, because
we declare for the abolition of all
taxes, both public and private.
We do not accept any evils as in
evitable, not even death or taxes.
There would be no use to abolish death
without abolishing taxes, for life would
become Intolerable or quite impossible
under their ever-Increasing burdens.
There are two kinds of taxation, pri
vate and public. Incomes arising from
rents, interest, profits and dividends
are taxed indirectly on the consumers
in the prices of goods. Then we tax
ourselves voluntarily to support a gov
ernment to collect the private taxes
which otherwise would never be paid
at all.
I regret that I have not at hand the
figures showing the 'amounts of public
and private Indebtedness, but we can
guess within a few billion dollars of
the totals and a few billions more or
less is a trifling matter in such an
enormous aggregate. Those who de
sire the exact figures can find them in
reference books and Government re
ports. The debt of Great Britain alone is, I
think, about $4,000,000,000 and the total
amount of gold coin in the world is
about 6,000,000,000. All the national
debts amount to over 130,000,000,000.
Then there are state, city and county
debts.
But the government debts are only a
small item, compared with private
debts, which include stocks, bonds,
notes and mortgages. These must be
about equal to, the total wealth of the
country. In fact, according to the rules
of bookkeeping in our frenzied financial
system, all capitalized wealth is a debit
as well as an asset.
Suppose for instance that the whole
capitalized wealth of the United States
is $100,000,000,000. Instead of being
$100,000,000,000 to the good, we are that
much worse than nothing. It means
that one part of us is in debt that much,
to the other part of us. We are the
people and the sheep of the pasture,
but there Is a difference between we
and us. Us is objective case, and until
the identity of Interest between debtor
and creditor is securely established the
kind of pasture we get depends upon
the case we are in.
Among the many devices of Satan
to bewilder the mind of man, double
entry bookkeeping is certainly one of
the most successful. It is really a sys
tem of sorcery or black magic. ' The
books of a corporation can be made to
9
have gone up In the air and howled blue
murder, but they didn't even show white
around the gills.
Inside of ten minutes it was all over.
The shower had moved off up into Con
necticut, whoro mayba it was wanted
worse, and we got our heads together to
map out the next act. Sadie had the say.
She was for takin' the kids over to the
Bwell yacht club there, and waitin' until
the nurses or some one else came to take
'em off our hands. That suited me; but
when It came to gettin' Captain Sir
Hunter to march up front and set the
pace, he made a strong kick.
"Oh, by Jove, now!" says he, "I
couldn't think of It. Why. I've been a
guest here, y'know, and I might meet
some of the fellows."
"What luck!" says Sadie. "That'll be
lovely if you do."
"You come along. Woodie," says I.
"We've got our orders."
He might have been a stiff-Iookin' Eng
lishman before, but he was limp enough
now. He looked like a linen collar that
had been through the wash and hadn't
reached the starch tub. His coat tails
was still drlppin' water, and when he
walked It sounded like some one was
moppln' up a marbje flobr. .
"Only fancy what they'll think!" he
kept sayln' to himself as we got under
way.
"They'll take you for an anti-race sui
cide club." says I; "so brace up."
We hadn't more'n struck the clubhouse
porch, and the steward had rushed out
to drive us away, when Sadie gives an
other one of them squeals that means
she's sighted something good.
"Oh, there's the Dixie Girl!" says she.
"You must hace 'em bad," says I. "I
don't see any girl." j
"The yacht!'' says she, polntm' out to
the end of the dock. "That big white
one. It's Mrs. Brinley Cubb's Dixie
Girl. You wait here until I see If she's
aboard," and off she goes.
So we lined up In front to wait, the
Incubators never takin' their eyes off'n
Woodie. and him as pink as a sportln'
extra and sayln' things under his breath.
Every time he took a hitch sideways the
whole line dressed. All hands from the
show anything, and their showings are
as unintelligible to the common mind
as the utterances of the Delphic ora
cle. None but an expert can tell
whether the bookkeeping Is right or
not, and none but another expert can
tell whether the first one is right or
not, and when they . differ among them
selves, it is like a row among lawyers
or theologians or cats; no one on the
outside can make head or tail of it or
tell what it is about.
Suppose a stock company starts In
business with a capital of $1,000,000.
The first thins the bookkeeper does
on opening the books Is to make the
entry that the company is in debt for
stock $1,000,000. This Is where the
jugglery commences. This means that
the company, instead of being $1,030,
000 ahead is $1,000,000 in debt to itself.
This Is the Joker that Tom Lawson
neglected to pull out from the pack
when he made his great exposures.
The object of this entry is to tax the
public (that is us in the objective
case) with the interest on the $1,300,
000. If a city lot is capitalized at $1,D00,
000, this means that the public (that
is us again) is taxed to pay interest on
a million to the owner. The value of
city lots or of mines or any kind of
property can be watered or Inflated
with hot air Just as effectually as
railroad stocks can be contracted or
expanded. Stocks were originally con
trivances in which the legs of crim
inals were stuck. We are all convicts
and criminals now and our legs are
pulled by the stock jobbers till soon
we won't have a leg to stand on. This
would be very lamentable only that it
Is so exquisitely ridiculous that the vic
tims themselves would die laughing If
they understood the nature of the
game.
Let us suppose all the wealth of the
United States to be concentrated in the
possession of one great corporation.
This should not be a great strain on
the imagination, for we are well on the
way to this blessed consummation.
More than 40,000,000 of the people are
knocked out of the game already.
Their names are blotted from the great
book known as the assessment roll.
Let us suppose this great corpora
tion, we will call it Robb, Steele & Co.,
to be worth $100,000,300,000 and all the
rest of the people worth nothing. Now,
according to the theory of double-entry
bookkeeping, Robb. Steele & Co. are
$103,000,000,000 in debt to themselves,
of course. This Is an honest debt.
There is no doubt about that, but it
is so great they never can hope to
pay it, and the next best thing they
can do is to collect the Interest on It
every year off the people.
This is easy, as the people are all
working for the company and purchas
ing their supplies from company stores.
The company can arrange the prices
& mm i
club turned out to see the show, and
the rockin' -chair skippers made funny
cracks at us.
"Ahoy the nursery!" says one guy.
"Where you bound for?"
"Ask popper," says L "He's got the
tickets."
Woodie kept his face turned and his
Jaw shut, and if he- had any friends In.
the crowd I guess they didn't spot him.
I'll bet he wan't sorry when Sadie shows
up on deck and waves for us to come on.
Mrs. Brinley Cubbs was there, all right.
She was a tall, loppy kind of female,
ready to gush over anything. As well as
I could size up the game, she was one of
the near-swells, with plenty of gilt but
not enough sense to use it right. Her
feelln's were in, good workin' order
though, and she was wlllin' to listen to
any programme that Sadie had on hand.
"Bring the little dears right aboard,"
says she. "and we'll have them home be
fore dark. Why, Sir Hunter, is it really
you?".
. "I'm not altogether sure." says Woodie,
"whether It's I or not," and he made a
dive to get below.
Well, say, that was a yacht and a half,
that Dixie Girl! The inside of her was
slicker'n any parlor car you ever saw.
While they was gettin' up steam, and all
the way down the East River, Mrs.
Cubbs had the hired hands luggln' up
everything eatable they could find, from
chicken salad to Icecream, and we all
took a hand passin' it out to that Incu
bator bunch.
They knew what grub was, yes, yes!
There wasn't any holdln' back for an
Imitation cop to give the signal. The
way they did stow in good things that
they'd probably never dreamed about be
fore was enough to make a man wish he
had John D.'s pile and Jake Riis" heart.
I forgot all about bein' wet, and so did
Woodie. To see him Jugglin' stacks of
loaded plates you'd think he'd graduated
from a ham- and factory. He seemed t
like It, too, and he was wearin' what
passes for a grin among the English aris
tocracy. By the time we got to the dock
at East Thirty-fourth street, there was
more solid comfort and stomach-ache lit
that cabin than It'll hold again In a
thousand years.
Sadie had me go ashore and telephone
for two of them big rubber-nock wagons.
That gave us time to get the sleepers)
woke up and arrange 'em on the dock.
Just as we was gettin' the last of the
kids loaded In for thoir rido up to the
home, a roundsman shows up with two
cops.
"Where do you kids belong?" he sings
out
With that there comes a howl, and the
whole bunch yells:
"Hot pertater cold termater alligator
Rome! We're the girls from the Incubator
Home!
"Caught with the goods!" says he.
turnln' to the cap'n and me. "You're
arrested for wholesale kidnapin'. There's
a general alarm out for youso."
"Ah, back to the goats!" says T. "You
don't think we look nutty enough to
steal a whole orphan asylum, do you.
Rounds?"
"I wouldn't trust either of you alone
with a brick block," says he. "And your
side partner with the Salvation Army
coat on looks like a yegg mar. to me."
"Now will you be nice, cap?" says I.
At this Sadie and Mrs. Cubbs tries to
butt In, but that roundsman had a head,
like a choppln' block. He said the two
nurses had come to town and reported
that they'd been held up in the woods and
that all the kids had been swiped. As
Woodie fitted one of the descriptions, we
had to go to the station, that was all
there was about It.
And say. If the Sarge hadn't happened,
to have been one of my old backers we'd
have put In the night with the drunk and
disorderlies. 'Course, when I tells mo
little tale, the Sarge gives me the ha-ha
and scratches our names off the book.
We didn't lose any time either. In hittin ,
the studio, where there was a hot bath,
and dry towels.
But paste this la your Panama: Next
time me and Woodie goes out to rescue
the fatherless, we takes along our rain
coats. We've shook hands on that. And
It's all off between him and Sadlo. He's
willln' to take oath thut she put up the
job on him.
(Copyright by Associated Sunday Maga
zine, inc.)
and wages so as to collect tho
$5. 300.000.000 for interest and $20,000,r
('00.000 more for dividends.
Then at the end of the first year
the company will be worth $123,000,
000.000. and the people (that is us)
still worth nothing. But now the com
pany will be deeper In the hole than
ever. They will be $125,030,000,000
in debt, and the people (that is us) will
have to pay interest and dividends on
the extra $25,000,000,000.
Now it ought to be evident to even
the dullest mind that the people pay
off no part of the debt, but the more
they pay the greater becomes the
burden on which they must forever pay
interest and dividends. Every billion
they pay is added to the debt they have
to carry. They only Increase the pile.
It is like John Bunyan's burden of sin.
It Is the greatest bunco game ever
played on the dupes of the devil as a
punishment for believing the father of
liars and rejecting the counsels of
truth.
It reminds me of an old story that
used to be in the school readers when
I was a boy, about a tree that grew
In the king's courtyard and whenever
any one attempted to chop It down
two chips immediately grew in the
place of everyone that came out.
So the king offered the princess and
half the kingdom to whoever would
cut down this infernal tree. Many
came and tried, but the tree only grew
bigger the more they chopped, so the
king was ' obliged to make an order
that whoever tried it and failed should
have his cars clipped off and be placed
on a desert Island to starve.
But there was a panic in the country
at the time and thousands had no
work, and, as they had nothing to
lose but their ears, they came to try
their fortune till the desert was white
with the bones of earless asses and
still the tree grew bigger.
At last a country boy named iac'iC
discovered the tools that would cut
down the tree. After he became king
they stopped calling him Jack and
changed his name to John.
There is a tree of debt now that
overshadows the whole world. Foul
birds roost in its branches and human
ity moulds and rots in its dark and
gloomy shade. Whoever can destroy
this evil tree will be a deliverer and a,
hero. The kingdom will be his and he
will forgive us our debts as we forgive
our debtors.
A Liesson in Grammar.
"Can I have a piece of pie, mother?"
"Say 'may I, Johnny," not 'can I." "
"Well, mother, may I have a piece of
pieT"
"No, Johnny, you can't." LIppincott's.
The eMimsted cost of a bridge over tb
Straits of Dover is $34,000,000.