The Sunday Oregonian., March 08, 1908, Magazine Section, Page 5, Image 49

THE SUNIjAY .OBEGONIAX, PORTLAND, MARCH S, 1908.
PERSQ
TC1 New Portland Organization
Viomposea or rrommenv
Politicians and Business Men
Banded Against
Women Adventurers
I Till . n la I M if H 11 H U U ill ' I H Ul U 13 i H fLWX B H I
CERTAIN prominent political and
business men of this city have re
cently banded themselves together
and are organizing what will be known
as the Purity Personal Protection
league.
It is a project that has been long
simmering In the minds of some of our
Treat and near-great citizens, who real
ize that the time has come when strin
gent measures must be adopted to pre
nerve their reputations for morality
gainst th vicious, If alluring and de
lightful onslaughts of the female ad
venturess. These human vampires, with horrible
running, play on the tender sensibili
ties of their victim; they lead them
artfully on, step by step; squeeze by
squeeze, they wind the shining strands
ef their hateful nets around the. man.
and the baleful end is accomplished, all
In the twinkling of his ravished eye.
The league is in the nature of an in
surance lodge that Is, it Insures repu
tations in consideration of payment of
all fees and dues. Applicants with no
reputations may have them made to
order. There will be three classes of
these maile-to-order reputations: "Spot
less." "Slightly blemished" and "Badly
damaged."
It is not claimed that the Purity Per
sonal Protection League can kill a
man's past and make hlin white as
enow, but It will do the best it can, 'and
no matter what his record, he will be
rntltled to its utmost care and consid
eration. The motto of the league will be en
tirely appropriate: "Semper paratns;"
In other words, "always ready," and on
the league banners will be blazoned
the weasel, the most watchful of all
animals.
Mayor Lane Is to be chief counsel of
the advisory board, a body that is all
powerful In this organization. The
office of president is not yet filled. John
Manning will be Keeper of the Royal
Records of Pertinent Suggestions; Tom
Kay. Detective Kxtraordinary ; Chief
Grttzmacher, Grand Protean Patriarch
BY JIM NASIUM.
ISN'T it an awful sensation to have
something on your mind that is bulg
ing your cranium out like a bay win
dow on a thlrd-atory flat in an effort to
act out and cut Itself loose? And the
worst of it is that these ideas that are
peeling the epidermis off their shin-bones
trying to jump your brain corral arc
Usually the wild, untamed plugs of
thought that you will do better to lariat
with your self-control and tie up to the
Snubbing post, than to turn loose In the
ppen to run over your neighbor's turnip
patch and cause him to rise up In his
wrath and brand you as a disturber of
the peace and put a mushroom ear on you
and be as ungentlemaniy and impolite as
he can be with your physical beauty.
I suppose about the first streak of
purple, iridescent light that flushes the
horizon of the infantile thought garden
st the dawning of the Intelligence is the
Inclination to have your little say. Some
pf these childish inclinations have a crimp
put in them before they have worked up
to the point of translation Into the mother
tongue. This is usually done by fond
mothers with an old belt, or a slipper, or
a stick out of the window blind, and the
method is to reverse the child in order to
set a closer application and plenty of
ea room for aforesaid articlo to sing
through the atmosphere. Those who do
not acquire this crimp so early in the
game usually get it later in life from
some worlding possessed with a righteous
wrath and an over abundant supply of
good health.
However, when this particular branch
of the education is left till so late in
the career it Is much more difficult and
painful and lees productive of results, and
an instructor not connected with your
Immediate family Is apt to be more or
lees careless about the effect upon your
personal appearance and the injury to
your feelings. My education in this re
spect was begun at a very early age, but
It was found necessary to put me through
several pont-graduato courses after I had
finished the system of home instruction
before mv education was considered suf
ficiently complete to pass the Inspection
of the critical world.
This wasn't because my elementary In
struction was lax in discipline or inat
tentive to details, because I distinctly re
member the numerous occasions on which
my paternal parent doubled up a hitching
strap three or four times and put a
compound fracture In my Inclination to
speak my mind. The treatment was never
applied , to the same portion of my
anatomy In which the trouble resided,
but the effect was electrical just the
same, and while the impressions on that
section of my anatomy which came Into
Immediate Juxtaposition with the hitching
strap usually healed up sufficiently so
that I could quit eating my meals from
the mantelpiece In the course of a few
days, the Impressions on my memory are
stamped in an Indelible hand which time
cannot efface. After numerous exceeding
ly thorough applications of this treatment
I thenceforth resolved that the home
circle could plug along through life with
out knowing my Innermost feelings.
I took up the practice then of laying
bare my mental impressions and s.ecret
opinions to my playmates. In order to
enlighten them to the true status of
affairs as conceived by the clear and per
ceptive brain of an infant prodigy in In
timate association with the same. I did
not want them to grope along In utter
Ignorance of their true standing In the
community, and so long as It lay within
my power to enlighten them on this sub
ject I felt that It m-as my duty to society
and the world at large to do so. If my
unusually acute mental machinery per
ceived the fact that one of my playmates
was growing up Into manhood deeply
Imbued with the Impression that he was
the whole show with a good slice of the
side attractions and the street parade
thrown In, I considered it my duty to
show b-im where he was wrong and in
Tfflk I sscus iti! ff!xp wti.
1 Ft fs X : - . sX- t r M
with offices of lesser Importance to be
supplied later.
There will be weekly meetings held,
in which personal experiences relating
to badger games and panel workers
will be related by the members. When
the experiences are too painful to be
offered as personal. It Is permissible to
hand them In under the head or some
form him that he was only a pig-headed
Imbecile both from heredity and general
practice. It I felt that any of them
were usurping the prerogative of the poli
tician and the newspaper man by giving
vent to a bane misrepresentation of facts,
I usually took infinite pains to show
him that he was a descendant of Baron
Munchausen, who was only allowed to
live in order to perpetuate the race of
liars from which he was. descended. With
my usual enthusiasm and general dis
regard of personal welfare when there is
a duty to perform, I threw my whole
soul into this work. - But after on num
erous occasions being compelled to recline
with my scapula across a piece of vol
canic rock while my audience sat on my
wishbone and drilled my face down Into
the sands, my enthusiasm abated some
what. I then decided to 'retain these im
pressions of my mind for my own edifica
tion alone and allow my youthful com
panions to grow up In Ignorance of the
wide gap which yawned between them
and decent society.
When I went out to stab the world In
the face I thought I was getting away
from this restriction which was placed
upon the publication of my thoughts dur
ing my childhood days, and that the
great throbbing world was standing
with bated breath waiting to hear what
my mature mind thought of It. Then
came my post-graduate course in the
school of experience. I was a little bit
timid at first, and when I say some dub
plugging along in a rut with the wrong
Impressions tucked away in his garret
I felt somewhat adverse to stepping into
the breach and lending him the assistance
of my enlightened mtnd. But I soon be-
flin - lLL -
thing happening to "a friend back
East." All Incidents presented at these
meetings will be discussed thoroughly
and the Keeper of the Royal Records,
etc., will draft a moral from each inci
dent cited, all morals to be duly record
ed in the minutes of the league meet
ings. One member, in discussing the meth
SPEAKING YOUR MIND
gan to realize that it was selfish in me
to thus bottle up my vast store of knowl
edge and withhold It from general circu
lation when it might be accomplishing so
much good for mankind. I then uegan
to step forward and in my chaste and
cheerful way correct these erroneous Im
pressions whenever I came In contact
with them.
The first field I selected for my mis
sionary work was the newspaper field,
as I had often heard that newspapers
were .published without any regard for
the truth or a general display of literary
and artistic merit. I knew that this
must be true, because I had met so
many people who didn't know a lower
case E from a shooting-stick who had
told me that they could run a newspaper
better themselves than a lot of these edi
tors. So when I first butted into the news
paper business, if I went into the art de
partment and saw an artist drawing a
picture who was totally at variance with
my artistic taste I would amble cheer
fully up to him and explain to him In
my delightfully nonchalant manner where
he was wrong and take his pencil out of
his hand and show him how it ought to
be done. If I read an article in the
paper which my intellectual mind told
me was putting the Queen's English on
the bum and perpetrating a libel on the
name of literature, I took great pains to
hunt the writer up and with a sang frold
IBDDT - HIc) - ErtIlU
ods and object of the new league, said:
"None of us prominent characters
In the public eye, except the Czar of
Russia, understands how to protect
himself against the often dangerous fa
miliarity of the masses. For example,
no woman caller Is allowed to get near
enough to Nicholas to hand him an
orange, as the slang goes a lemon
that was calculated to put him at his
ease and not make him feel In the least
embarrassed at coming into the full glow
of my distinguished presence, I would ex
plain to him why he ought to be shovel
ing coal under the boilers down In the
cellar and studying his dictionary during
his off hours "until he got next to the
English language.
Sometimes these fellows got mad and
said nasty mean things to me and were
just as impolite and unge.ntlemanly as
they could be, but I overlooked this in
my longrsuffering and self-sacrificial
manner, because I knew that it was their
misfortune and not their fault that they
had been born with less Intellectuality
than I. But when the artists took up
the practice of bouncing a drawing board
from my medujla oblongata and gouging
out my eyes with a ruling pen while I
lay helpless under a drawing table and
when the reporters and special writers
got to choking off my words of advice
and Intellectual discourse on their gen
eral literary ability by stopping the
cation of my larnyx with a 40-horse-power
pressure, while they rocked, my
cerebellum Into blissful sleep against a
table leg. then i decided that If I want
ed to retain the use of my mental facul
ties to any extent and be of any ava.iable
use to my family as a means of support,
I had probably better plug along through
life with her secret Impressions of mine
locked up in the safe and let the rest
of the world wallow in the mire at igno
rance until they discovered their own
mistakes.
I know that some one has said that
"our best friends are those who tell us
our mistakes," but you can take my tip
that while he may be theoretically cor
rect, his point of view isn't a practical
one. Not by a long shot. The world
looks at It from an entirely different per
spective. If you don't believe this. Just
try to be one of these "good "friends'
by telling others all about their mis
takes. I'll gamble that you won't be out
of the hospital enough to wear out your
clothes before they go out of styie.
While In theory you may be the best
of friends to a man by so doing, you'll
usually find that this sort of friendship
Is accompanied by too many shooting
stars and pyrotechnlcal displays, and
Isn't at all healthy or conducive to per
sonal beauty.
' In the early part of my brilliant career,
when the seeds of intellectual growth,
which were later to spring up and bear
fruit which would astound the civilized
world and cause it to gasp with amaze
ment, and a number of other sensations
were being sown, . I was extremely un
selfish with the Impressions and lime
gems of thought which were born in my
gifted mind and distributed them free
ly and with a lavish hand.
When my active intellect distinguished
a fault in a man, I would glide up to
his on elbow in my superior way and
tell him about It. Later in life, for
reasons which I am trying to forget and
of which it is unnecessary to speak here,
I acquired the habit of giving these lit
tle gifts of intellect from a longer range.
I always felt better afterwards, and
could attend -to my duties more regular
ly, and I felt that a young man from
whom the world expected so much In the
future could Jtot afford to take any
chances of being incapacitated.
In those days. In the mellow past, when
I saw a man acting urgentlemanly and
rude In society or business and being a
consistent fool. I could not resist the in
clination to fix him with the blinding
glare of my intellectual lamps and tell
him my Innermost thoughts. If 1 heard
a man giving a select coterie of friends
the wrong impression concerning any par
ticular subject, I felt obliged to correct
him and explain to him and his hearers
that either his early education had been
sadly neglected or the predominating trait
of his distinguished ancestor. Ananias,
would be an utter impossibility. The
Czar fears bombs. We unprotected, but
prominent citizens, live in mortal ter
ror of these fascinating women who
know we are lovers of the beautiful,
who prey on our great-heartedness,
who chuck us under the chin to our un
doing. '
"Our scheme for protection agrainst
I had attained a remarkable growth in the
present age of his descendants, in order
to prevent him from feeling that I was
withholding any small details of my se
cret impressions, I would usually add a
few remarks concerning his general ap
pearance, with my own opinion of laws
which allowed certain individuals to con
taminate decent society .with their pres
ence. While lying In the hospital I always im
proved each shining hour In silent con
templation and thought, and after pulling
off this stunt a few times with the usual
result my -ardor somewhat decreased. I
began to foster a grave suspicion that the
great throbbing world didn't care a brass
mounted continental what my opinion of
other people was and that the person
addressed In particular didn't take kindly
to having his faults described in my
chaste and intellectual style. I began to
lose Interest In the matter so that I did
not enter upon the undertaking with my
usual impetuosity and throw my whole
HyDJTIF.BNAT T35BF.T3T-
FBACTU&k IN-lTT-INafflATION-TOPEAK-TOIimD
female wiles is simple but effective.
In every office there will be a lookout,
and when a woman Is seen approaching
an electric signal will be given to the
gentleman In his private office. At the
same time 'a rush call will be turned in
to the Detective Extraordinary of the
P. P. P. League. Another call will be
sent to the regular city police force for
soul into the work, as I had formerly
done. I would retire to a convenient dis
tance when I had a duty of this sort to
perform, and usually contented myself
with having the principal subject of the
conversation receive the information second-handed.
Even then I discovered that
this makeshift way of doing business was
frequently attended with embarrassing
situations and often entailed much dis
comfort and Inconvenience in dodging up
back alleys and seeking obscure routes of
travel, as I have finally decided that the
world can plug along and find out these
things for Itself or remain In ignorance.
I will, henceforth, retain this informa
tion for home consumption alone.
The invention of the telephone has
proved a great boon for those who' cannot
resist the temptation to speak their
minds. It has removed a great many of
the embarrassing and uncomfortable situ
ations resultant upon the performance of
this act, and has rendered it possible for
a man to gratify his lust for this pleasant
pastime without stint and in comparative
safety, providing he uses proper judgment
and care in keeping under cover. A man
can now retire to a distant portion of the
city or over Into the next county, when
he feels an overpowering Impulse to re
lieve his mind of -the weighty matter
MIIP -
two officers. Meantime, the taller li
detained In the outer office, by main
force If necessary.
"All this time the Purity Personal
Protection Leaguer has not been idle.
With a simple, bur effective Invention
he clamps his coatsleeves securely to
his wrist. Then he hastily dons a strong
suit of armor, including visor and
greaves, and is quite ready when the
detective and police officers let them
selves in by a secret door. It 18 then
time to press the electric button, which
Is the signal for the-office force with
out to marshal Itself into a squad of
ofTense, and between a double line of
secretaries, stenographers, office boys,
etc.. the visitor is escorted Into the
presence of her would-be victim.
The Detective Extraordinary acts as
spokesman and conversation is carried
on between him and the visitor, the in
tended victim being -consulted when
necessary. The stenographers take
down every word spoken, the report is
read and sworn to by a notary, before
the audience is over and the woman is
escorted to the street by detectives and
officers.
"Isn't it great? The Purity Personal
Protection League intends to copyright
its Ideas and establish branch leagues
all over the country."
Dr. Lane, always a vigorous thinker,
has made several most valuable sug
gestions In regard to the work. Hia Idea
Is to introduce a phonograph at all In
terviews. Added to this, he would have
a photographer present to prepare mov
ing picture slides. Stenographic report,
phonograph record and moving picture
slides to be preserved in safe deposit
vaults for future reference if neces
sary. But with our Mayor's character
istic modesty, when approached over
the phone he refused to talk on the
subject of the Purity Personal Protec
tion League. It was only through a
proxy that he could be reached at all.
"Who Is this?" roared the proxy.
Want to talk to the Mayor?" A patise.
"The Mayor wants to know what's your
sex."
No amount of persuasion could induce
Dr. Lane to relax his vigilance and ex
press himself with his accustomed
frankness.
Not the least important part of the
league's work will be the compilation
of a comprehensive list of "dont's," to
be printed in bold, clear type, and
tacked up In every member's office.
"Dearie," "girlie," "little woman,"
"fatherly caresses," "undue sympathy"
and "demonstrative Interest" are things
prohibited as dangerous and not to be
trllleq yitn in any circumstances.
which has been accumulating therein,
until the steam gauge jumps up to the
danger point, and he can call up some
husky fellow who could tie him into a
Gordian knot with one hand tied behind
his back, and turn loose a string of vitu
peration into his ear that will cause the
wide to grow red hot and sizzle the at
mosphere, while he Is reclining in com
parative safety and comfort in a leather
rocker. .This Is the method I always
adopt now, and I find that I always leave
the telephone booth feeling very much re
lieved (I mean myself, not the telephone
booth), and the .danger of spontaneous
combustion In my own physical being has
been temporarily passed.
The telephone has also increased the
number of brave men in the country.
There are more men today who are not
afraid to tell others what they think of
them, and inform them what a bum lot of
pikers their ancestors were, than existed
before the invention of the telephone. I
talk to these men every day over the tele
phone, and I know this statement Is true.
I can also notice the Influence of the tele
phone upon my own personal heroism
The Bidding of Their Bosses.
T. B. Murdock in the' Eldorado Repub
lican. When I look over the Copeland County
lobby and see dozens of Federal and state
officers and corporation attorneys, prac
tically all of them sensible men, work
ing, planning, scheming, pleading, bull
dozing to prevent the passage of a pri
mary election law that the people are
demanding, I begin to wonder If the peo
ple of this Nation are self-governing.
These men must know, they do know,
that a perpetuation of boss rule, machine
rule, which Is given its force and power'
in Wall Street and which Is backed by
every corporate Interest in the county,
means a machine-owned, steel-bound
oligarohy, a government, not of the peo
ple, but of the money Interests. But
these otherwise square men are on sala
ries and are obeying the orders of their
Washington and Wall Street bosses. In
the meantime, may the Lord have mercy
on the country and may he put It Into
the hearts of all the people to more
faithfully perform all their political du
ties from now on!
The Miner.
Translated from the Norwegian of Henrik
Ibsen.
Valdemar filed.
Mountain, split with crash and crack
For my heavy hammer's thwack!
Work I must far under ground.
Till I bear the quarts resound.
Treasure In the rocky deep
Prom eternity did sleep.
Golden veins. In sombre glow, .
Beckon me from far below.
There, 'beyond the realm of light.
Greets me .the eternal night!
Heavy hammer blow for blow
Gala me the recess below.
Once, a happy country lad.
Underneath the stars I sst;
Bat with heart and soul at ease.
Owning- childhood's blessed peace.
But I lost my Spring day's bloom
In the grotto's midnight etoom;
Left a child's world morning souasi
For my workings underground.
Young I was and Innocent
When first time herein I went:
Thought: Life's mystery doth sleep
With the spirits of the deep.
-Yet no ghost has e'er made clear
What then seemed to me so queer.
Never have I found a ray
That can lighten up till day!
Have I failed? Means it that
Not to clearness leads this path?
Ah. the light doth blind my eye
If I search It In the sky!
No I must beyend the light,
Dova to the eternal night.
Heavy hammer blow for blow
Gain me what is hid below.
Miner, delve and (reive away
Till is spent your working day:
Hever morning star will lighten.
Never sun of hope will brlghtsal