er
THE lSUNDAY OREUOXlAX, PpRTLAXD, NOVEMBER 3, 1907.
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PORTLAND. SVNDAY. NOVEMBER. 8, 1907
THERE IS NO PARALLEL.
Mr. Bryan also gives out his opinion.
To do so Is ono of his . constitutional
rights. But Mr. Bryan's opinion on
any matter of money or finance Is not
very valuable. The reason lies In the
complete preoccupation of his mind
with the fiat Idea of money. It is a
form of the fixed Idea that gets a lodgr
merit tn certain miijls, and all things
else are merely relative to it. One
thing, however, Mr. Bryan now says
that Is perfectly true, namely that the
conditions which made the panic and
depression of 18'J3 are utterly different
from those existing now.
They were, indeed, and were far
more serious. No panic, no period of
depression, ever came from such
sources as the cataclysm of 1893 pro
ceeded from; because no people ever
before acted so foolishly, in a particu
lar direction, as our people did. We
made the panic and the depression of
1893 by our silver folly, which threat
ened to change the value of the dollar
from the gold basis to the silver basis.
This caused gold to hide away, made
money excessively scarce, and suspend
ed credit everywhere. People would
neither make nor receive promises
stated in terms of dollars when they
couldn't tell what the dollar was to be
worth whether it was to have the
value of a fixed weight of gold or a
fixed weight of silver, at the arbitrary
ratio of sixteen to one.
Mr. Bryan says that in 1893 prices
were falling "because of a restricted
money supply." But what caused a
restricted money supply? The im
minence of a change from the gold to
a silver basis. For many years the
treasury had been forced by law to buy
4,500,000 ounces of silver a month,'
upon which full legal tender notes
were issued, upon the ratio of sixteen
to one. This had carried Into circula
tion 53.000,000 of silver notes every
year; and for nearly twenty years the
process had continued. But as fast
as these silver notes had gone into cir
culation, gold had disappeared. The
sliver dollar on the ratio was worth
only half as much as the gold dollar.
People, therefore, kept gold and paid
out silver; and gold, finding Itself idle
here, was shipped in immense sums to
Europe. All this silver, or the notes
that . represented it, didn't, therefore,
add to the amount of money In circu
lation, but actually restricted It. Even
worse.'the system destroyed credit, be
cause it was clearly foreseen by the
financial world that if the policy were
not arrested our money would soon
slump to the silver basis and the dol
lar then would . have an unknown but
greatly reduced value. Mr. Bryan
was not the author of this policy of
extraordinary folly, but he became Its
champion. In the effort to maintain
the gold standard prices fell, because
gold was driven out of the country or
hidden avay; but prices would not.
have fallen had gold been let alone.
After the total expulsion of gold
prices, measured in silver, would have
risen; but we should have had an in
ferior currency, out of harmony with
the world's prices and values, and the)
transition wouM have produced an
earthquake shock to all the business
of the country. The long-continued
assault on the gold standard was the
sole cause of the trouble. When it
closed, as a consequence" of the . de
feat of Mr. Bryan in 1896. business,
prices,, values, everything, quickly be
came normal again.
All the prophecies of the silver pro
paganda were at once refuted by re
covery of business and credit. But the
propagandists of silver ever since have
.v. n trying to . cover their confusion
; the declaration that the - recovery
::is been due to the Increased produc
tion of gold. It is as shallow an as
sertion as'any other pretence of the
silver craze. s There was gold enough,
had it not been driven to foreign coun
tries, and into hiding places at home.
by continual " injection of overvalued
silver into the circulation of the coun
try. There was as much gold In the
country. In proportion to the business,
before the silver craze came on. as
there is now. Foreign countries, fre
from fiat money demagogues, had gold
enough. What our silver movement,
stood for was absolute negation of
economic and monetary science. But
Mr. Bryan, who became spokesman of
the craze,- didn't know, doesn't know
to this day, and never can learn he
cause he has his fixed idea what was
the matter. Should .our country re
sume the policy that so nearly upset
everything in 1893, the same conse
quences would follow again, only fast
er. An attempt now to make silver
circulate as money on equality with
gold, would expel gold as rapidly as
before, and the increased gold product
of the world, would neither save us nor
make any difference whatever.
The present money crisis stands on
causes so different that they bear no
relation whatever to the causes of the
crisis of 1893. There Is ample money
in the country. All prices are hih.
But the people have locked the money
up, for the present. Alarmed by tho
operations of the plungers and brig
ands of finance and speculation in the
East, the people have taken their
monkey out of the depositories, fearing
lrfss of it. This Is the direct cause;
but the moving cause was the piratical
operations of the gangs of buccaneers
and desperadoes, who were gambling
with money not their own. These
looters. It was discovered, had access
to many banks and to many great
trust funds; and depositors, fearing
loss, t.ook out their money as fast as
they could. It should not be surpris
ing that they' thought it was time to
make their own secure. Here in the
West, from no fault of our own, we
are suffering embarrassment from the
iniquities of Eastern frenzied finance,
and from the efforts of the people
there to protect themselves. This
locks up Western monev, for the time.
IT IS AN IMPASSE.
It Is not only or merely to protect
the banks, but also to protect the de
positors and the mercantile and Indus
trial interests of Oregon, that the Gov
ernor of Oregfin has declared a. legal
holiday again for Monday; coupled
with the statement that such holiday
will bo declared from day to day, till
the necessity for It shall no longer ap
pear. It is the only resource. The money
of the banks of the West has been
mostly paid out to float the vast prod
ucts of the West to distant markets.
In Ordinary course the money would
be coming back. But the flow has
stopped. New York is the financial
center of the Western world; and New
York, panic-stricken for money, pays
nothing.
The order went forth from New
York two weeks ago to collect every
dollar from all parts of the country
and forward it by express to New
York. The order is being enforced rig
orously in every city and town, at
every railway station, at every express
office, throughout the West and South.
Not only so, but with the Invoices or
bills of lading comes the command to
collect In money the additional fee for
payment of the express charges on the
money to New York. No railroad
agent Is allowed to deposit his collec
tions in a local bank, for New York
exchange, but every one is, ordered to
ship his money to New York by ex
press. And the bills of the West and
South are ignored, and the West and
South can't get back a dollar. Wheat
bills and lumber bills and cotton bills
and corn bills and cattle , billla are
nothing. New York, center of Amer
ican finance,head of banking and rail
way and express and mercantile busi
ness, is taking In .money, by forcible
process; not paying It out, on any pro
cess. This shuts us down for & while,
therefore, and we must protect our
selves. Hence- this necessity of the
legal holiday expedient. Hence the
necessity of comprehension of the sub
ject by our own people. Depositors
can't get their money out of the banks
right now. It Is so everywhere. But
the resources of the anks, invested in
solid values, are sound. These pres
ently will be realizable values.
This word now to the people. In the
phrase of the olden time, "Your
strength is to sit still."
JUDGE WEBSTER'S "VACATIONS."
County Judge Webster admits that
he has been absent for long periods
from his Probate Court, his law court,
the Board of County Commissioners,
the Board of Equalization and other
posts of responsibility which he holds
by virtue of his being the chief admin
istrative magistrate of the county. He
defends himself by saying he is enti
tled to as long vacations as are the
Circuit Judges for this county, who ab
sent themselves two months of each
year.
But if Judge AVebster is entitled to
two months' vacation, why not other
county officers also? Suppose County
Clerk Fields should stop the functions
of his marriage license department, or
of his recording department, as Judge
Webster has suspended the work of his
court, by going away on vacations two
or three months long each time? Sup
pose the County Sheriff or the County
Treasurer or the County Auditor
should do the same? Of course they
would not dare do it, even though their
absence would not stop the work of
their offices, as the absence of the
County Judge stops the procedure of
his court.
It has not yet come to pass, either,
that the County Judge has attained the
high station of the Circuit Court. In
one capacity the County Judge is an
intermediate magistrate between the
Justice Court and "the Circuit Court.
Neither Justice Reld nor Justice Olson
has yet taken two months' vacations.
It is also important to note that.
even though the Circuit Judges may
take two months away from their
court, they are not all absent at one
time, nor is the Circuit Court closed.
During Judge Webster's absence all
important probate business waits, since
prudent lawyers will not take probate
matters before the Circuit Court when
the constitution especially says that the
County Court is the Probate Court. It
might be well to mention further that
the Circuit Judges do not take respite
from their public work in order to em
ploy themselves at private labors, for
this client In Lakeview and that in
Burns, both of which places are nearly
as far from Portland, in time, as Chi
cago.
Judge Webster's services, which
seem so valuable far away, may not be
needed by the people "of Multnomah
County, In the Board of Equalization,
the Board of Commissioners or the
county law court, s'.nce there are other
county officials to take his place in the
duties of those positions; but the coun
ty does need his presence In the Pro
bate Court, in order to keep that de
partment of the county government
open for business, as the la-.v requires.
The Probate Court was practically
closed during nearly all of October.
That was his third long absence this
year. Still Judge Webster thinks the
county has got along quite well. If
that is the case, the test proves that it
could probably get along better with
out him altogether.
GENERAL WILLIAM BOOTH.
Bowed with age, pathetic in appear
ance but still earnest and determined.
General William Booth, commander of
the Salvation Army, Is In New York
City and will close in a short time his
last visit of inspection of the army m
the United States. His brief stay In
that city will, as is seemly, be the oc
casion of special honor bestowed by
the Governor of the state, while citi
zens in every reputable walk of life
will unite to welcome and cheer him.
Forty-six years ago General Booth,
then nearlng middle age, founded the
Salvation Army. A sympathetic man,
he saw with pity the condition a veri
table "slough of despond" in which
what he afterward designated the
"submerged tenth" of the great cities
of Great Britain lived; a practical man,
he saw that it would not be possible to
reach and lift them up Without going
down to them; a man of great mental
resources, he conceived the plan upon
which the Salvation Army is based
and builded, and the results have fully
demonstrated the quality of his hu
manity, his perspicuity and his re
ligion The xbasic principle of his long en
deavor is that work is the great rem
edy for all human ilfs. This principle
he has proclaimed not alone in words,
but in deeds, to struggling, staggering
or stagnant thousands who form the
sub-stratum of human life in London.
His message has not been an empty
one,. .Ways and means whereby it
could be made effective have been de
vised and .worked out, and today there
are " hundreds and even thousands of
human beings living clean, sober lives
in their own humble homes through
plans which he originated and which
his most remarkable family have engi
neered to success.
Sneers and jibes greeted General
Booth's first efforts; his organized
workers were hissed and reviled and
even bodily assaulted In every city In
our own land less than a quarter of a
century ago. Tclay he is honored as
the originator and head of the greatest
social, religious and Industrial organ
ization ever instituted for the non
churchgolng masses a very king in
the realm of good works. In honor
ing him by formal welcome and civic
distinction, as they will do tomorrow,
the officials of New York, headed by
Governor Hughes, will do honor to
their state. Hailed by workers in all
religious organlaztions in the voice of
good comradeship; honored -by officials
of the state and city; loudly acclaimed
by the "vast multitude that march un
der the banner of the Salvation Army
to the roll of hallelujahs and the sound
of cymbals, General Booth will pass
his latest and most likely his last days
in America, and at the end of the week
sail hence to England. i:y peace,
honor and ,the satisfaction that attends
the consciousness of a well-spent life
go with him and abide with him to the
end.
JUDGE NOT.
A pulpit orator of fine accomplish
ments and charming manner discussed
the other night, in Portland the old
text "Judge, not." , Taking into ac
count the preoccupation of almost
everybody with financial dubitations
and perplexities at this time, his audi
ence was very large, and none who was
present could question that they were
deeply interested. It rather indi
cates, one would think, that some
Portlanders have souls above mere
dollars when they are' eager to sit for
an hour or two and listen to a discus
sion of this and other themes equally
remote from the material; for Mr. B.
Fay Mills -. seems disposed to cover
pretty nearly. every question and very
doubt that the human intellect has de
vised while he stays in Portland. If
the cover turns out to be somewhat
thin, one must remember how wide it
has to be stretched. In his treatment
of the question whether or not we
ought to make moral judgments upon
our fellow-men, Mr. Millls seems to dis
tinguish between conduct and charac
ter. His opinion is that we may, per
haps ougHt to, condemn immoral con
duct, but since we can know really
nothing about the character which lies
behind the conduct, we have no right
to judge it. It is impossible for any
man to say positively that another is
wicked,, because the interior workings
and secret motives of the other cannot
be known. ' . . "
This is a pleasing theory of our rela
tions to ours fellow-men. It tends
toward charity. It upbuilds that spirit
of forbearance without which life in
society Is impossible. But one cannot
withhold the remark that If it were
carried out extensively in practice it
would destroy that very social struc
ture which it seems at first glance to
fortify. Of course some one might re
ply that the social structure ought to
be destroyed, but we doubt whether
Mr. Mills would take that position. . It
appears to be fairly easy to maintain
the thesis that the fascinating distinc
tion between character and conduct is
wholly illusory. Conduct and charac
ter are but two sides of the same
shield. Conduct is the aspect which it
presents to the outer world; character
is the inner side, and the inner is not a
whit more real than the outer. It is
common enough -to say of some ques
tionable individual "Oh, yes, his ac
tions are deplorable i' but if you could
only know his heart as it really is, you
would find him altogether lovable."
But such talk is nonsense, because
the man's acts are his heart. At least
they are the complete expression of
his heart. The beautiful words and
pathetic phrases by which he con
vinces people that his deeper nature is
something other' and better than his
conduct are deceptive. The only pos
sible way to know what a thing is, is
to observe what it does, and this way
is always sufficient. The rule applies
to all things whatsoever, from the Al
mighty to a current of electricity.
Scientists weakly admit that we do
not, and perhaps cannot, know what
electricity is; w- can only know what
It does. But the distinction is evanes
cent. What it does is the very essence
of Its being. Parrhasius invited his
Athenian friends "to see . a picture he
had painted. They gathered and wait
ed, supposing that the picture stood
behind a curtain wfftch seemed to hide
it. "Withdraw -the " curtain," they
cried finally, "and let us see the pic
ture." But' he could not withdraw it,
for the curtain was the picture. -So it
is with the hypothetical distinction be
tween activity and the reality which
acts. The activity is all the reality
there is. When a being ceases to act
it -ceases to exist.
Not otherwise have, the theologians
deluded us and themselves about the
Almighty. With a whole universe full
of his activity aro-ind and within us
they have sought to find him out by
the vain processes of metaphysical
logic and their effQrts have invariably
ended where they began. The invet
erate theory has been that God was
something other and apart from his
activity and ecclesiastics have depre
ciated the study of what he is doing in
comparison with their fruitless search
for what he is. The great merit of
what is called "The New Theslogy"
consists in its recognition of the truth
that the activity of God is God, and
that by the study of what goes on in
the universe we can find out all about
him. Hence agnosticism is no longer
a rational mental attitude.
It follows that there is somthinj
logically absurd as well as practically
destructive in the doctrine that we
may rightfully judge a man's conduct
but not hisj-haracter. ' Mr. Mills con
demns mofll Judgments because they
stir up strife. Broadly stated, his
teaching Is that whatever tends toward
harmony, or quiescence, Is right;
whatever tends toward strife is wrong.
The accomplished orator must mean
"quiescence" by the word "harmony."
He certainly cannot mean activity of
any kind, 'for there is no activity in
the world which Is not the result of
strife and which is not maintained by
strife. . Were discord to cease, exist
ence would cease with it. This truth
was discerned clearly enough as long
ago as Parmenides, who put it tersely
in the saying that "All things are be
gotten by war." Certainly nothing
that the human race has ever gained
came to it by quiescence. None of our
social or individual possessions ever
came to us by waiting, and it is safe
to say that none ever will. In fact,
the philosophy of quiescence which
Mr. Mills teaches is a sort of grandilo
quent Micawberismj an everlasting
waiting for something to turn up. Its
fine language is a rather thin veil for
the unconquerable laziness of those
who adopt it. Whatever man has
gained has been by strenuous exercise
of brain and muscle.. Whatever prog
ress we have" made morally has come
through Judging our fellow-men and
ourselves, and executing the Judgments
with unsparing severity. Mr. Mills
does not admit that if we were to
adopt the policy of not Judging each
other the distinctl-n between right and
wror-would vanish, but he can never
convince the common sense of man
kind to the contrary.
THE HORSE.
Next to the dog the most Intelligent
of our domestic animals is the pig. In
the realm of pure Intellect he far out
ranks the horse. No man who ever
owned a pig will deny that he is fiend
ishly shrewd; but did anybody ever
think of calling a horse shrewd? If
the horse is a "noble animal," as so
many people like to say, it Is for other
qualities' than those of the Intellect.
It is his moral nature that excites ad
miration together with his strength
and physical beauty. Morally the
horse Is altogether admirable. He can
learn little, but that little he learns
so well that he never forgets it, .and
has it ready always, except when he
Is scared. Unfortunately he Is too
easily scared. A. bit of white paper
throws-.him Into a panic of fear; a hole
in the ground newly dug sets him. all
a-tremble." His courage, so highly
lauded in the Book of Job, Is pure fic
tion. The joy of battle which he dis
plays Is mere habit. He laughs at the
danger from shot and shell because he
does not know it exists. The' mighty
warhorse who quails not at the can
non's mouth will sweat with feafr at
the sight of a bicycle. He is a creat
ure of habit.
Happily most of his habits are ex
cellent. Naturally he is affectionate.
An ugly horse indicates a cruel mas
ter. If his education is begun early
and conducted by methods of kindness
he learns without pain to himself or
trouble to his teacher. Being imi
tative, he will do whatever he sees
his dam do. He will wear a bit with
out impatience by her side which
would drive him frantic if he were
alone. He will let.rn to draw a load
without the slightest difficulty if only
he is harnessed to the cart with his
dam. Like a human youth, the colt
must be educated according to his na
ture, and not against It, to obtain the
best results. The trouble in both
cases is that those who are called to
teach lack temper and time to follow
Nature and seek to reach results by
short cuts. Thereby they spoil their
work. Colts differ in disposition
among themselves as much as boys.
Some, are naturally quiet, some are
rough. Some love to be fondled, to
others a gentle touch Is an indication
that lively sport is the game and they
take their part by biting and jumping.
But the bite or stroke of a colt no
more indicates vice than does a
puppy's nip with his teeth. The faint
est gesture of displeasure cows hjm.
His rough trfeks can be unlearned al
most In a moment. Cruelty, or even
severity, is entirely out of place in
handling a colt.
Descartes taught that all the lower
animals- were mere automatons, ani
mated machines without feeling. The
horsemen of Continental Europe may
know nothing of his philosophy, but
they act uopn its precepts. Howells
tells of a party of Italians who crowd
ed into a little wagon, drawn by one
horse and drove him- to exhaustion
without a thought that tlaey were act
ing cruelly. All over Europe the lot
of the horse is heartrending. It Is
doubtful if he is treated worse among'
the American Indians ; or cowboys.
One writer tells of a practice prevail
ing in France which makes us wonder
whether parts of the world are-not
given over to Satan to rule.The hortes
are systematically starved and over
worked on the theory that it is cheaper
to buy a succession of fresh ones than
to feed them. The overseers in the
cotton fields of the Far South, or some
of them, used to work their slaves on
the sttme system; and it Is followed to
day in our factories which employ
child labor. Hence we must not re
proach French cruelty to the horse too
openly or we may provoke a retort.
The cowboys (have received a great
deal of misplaced admiration for their
skill in "busting" their ponies. It
their frightful cruelty were necessary
it would perhaps be excusable, but it is
wholy needless. They torture their
ponies into submission for - precisely
the same reason that we put our chil
dren to play in dark basements and
herd them in huge disease-breeding
groups which we call schools. It is
done because it is cheap. To take the
ponies when they are young and edu
cate them by kindness would require
time and expense. Therefore the
practice is to wait till they are mature
and impart tin entire education in
three or four weeks of torment. No
wonder the cow ponies are ugly. There
is no more mystery about their bad
disposition than there is about the tu
berculosa of a man who has been kept
a year in the Oregon Penitentiary.
Is racing cruel? Heaven knows.
All we can be certain of Is that it is
wicked. The horses seem to like it,
and, if improved form and spirit are
any indication, it agrees with them.
The American thoroughbred trotter is
some inches taller and about 15 0
pounds heavier than his great progen
itor, the Arabian Messenger. If he is
a little gaunt of frame, so is his mas
ter. If he exhibits, upon the whole,
efficiency rather than beauty, the same
is true of the Nation that has bred
him. His noble blood flows in two
commingling streams from Messenger,
.foaled in 1780, and Justin Morgan,
whose birth glorified the year 1793.
Messenger sired Mambrlno and from
Mambrino's son Abdallah camel the" il
lustrious Rysdyck's Hambletonlan, the
father of all the trotters. Or, rather,
one of the fathers, for we must not
forget the Morgan stock, which is only
less potent than the Hambletonian.
From Justin Morgan's colt Sherman
came the great Black Hawk Morgan,
the pride and glory of Vermont, and
the best trotting stock of our day min
gles in. its veins the Morgan and Ham-'
bletonian blood.
"Paradise Lost" was bought by a
bookseller for J60. Manhattan Island
was sold by the natives for $24. These
disgraceful facts we can endure to re
member, though not without blushes;
but who can overcome his shame when
he reads that Rysdyck's Hambletonian
together with his dam brought only
$125? Placed in the stud by his pur
chaser, he earned over $200,000 before
he died. Thus doth true merit vindi
cate itself.
In the view of M. Nelidoff, president
of the late Hague Peace Conference, as
expressed in his closing speech at the
adjournment of that body, "time and
experience were lacking to enable
great progress to be made in devising
means to avert war." Specifically
stated, proposals for obligatory arbi
tration and for the establishment of a
permanent court of arbitration had
met with insurmountable difficulties.
M. Nelidoff. however, is not discour
aged, though he declared these funda
mental obstacles to universal peace In
surmountable, since he believes that
progress was made in intimate knowl
edge of mutual interests and needs,
and in the establishment of relations
leading to moral and material solidar
ity which would be increasingly op
posed to warlike enterprises. This is
in a sense consoling, but it is evident
that at this rate of progress the dawn
ing of the day of universal peace Is
far in the future. The fighting instinct
is a part of the very life of the race,
and based upon it is ail progress
.toward national life, all security of na
tional rights. In this view its elimina
tion from human nature is neither pos
sible nor desirable.
The Metropolitan Railway system of
New York City, according to the find
ings of an expert accountant, spent,
in lawyers' fees, from February
17, 1902, to September 10 of the pres
ent year, $1,154,666.04. One firm alone
drew a fee of $564,548, which Uicluded
a charge of $75vO0C for simply drawing
the lease undet which the New York
City Railway controls the Metropolitan
an instrument of stereotyped legal
verbiage which the most ordinary
briefless attorney could fill out prop
erly. These inordinpte fees are, of
course, collected from the public in 6
cent fares, and indicate the vast profits,
at the rate charged, of a powerful
street railway corporation in a great
city in which a vast army of working
men and women live in the suburbs
and must cover the distance between
their homes and their work twice a
day. This tax upon labor is a heavy
one, and one of the few the payment
of which It is practically Impossible to
evade.
To those who think "Mr. Dooley" is
only a funmaker, we commend his
comment on the present financial
scare, published on page 12, section 3,
of this issuerof The Oregonian. While
it is certain to stimulate hearty laugh
ter, it will serve also to remove fear
from the minds ef wage-earners that
they will have difficulty in finding a
profitable market for their labor. "So
long as there's a Hinnissy in th' wur
ruld.V says Mr. Dooley, "an' he has a
shovel an' there's something f r him to
shpvel, we'll be all right, or pretty near
all right." But read the whole thing;
it is a fine Sunday tonic.
The Academy of Sciences In Paris Is
investigating a claim of one Arislide
Charette, a chemist hitherto unknown,
of having made real diamonds. Is it
possible that relief is in sight for that
portion of the poor, struggling, down
trodden American people who are
forced, under present conditions of the
market, to buy their diamonds on the
installment plan and pay the exorbi
tant prices fixed by the diamond trust?
Let us hope for the best.
To the thousands of children who
read The Sunday Oregonian: Santa
Claus will come thi3 year as" usual.
He always has money Christmas time.
This is official.
' Mr. Bryan will scarcely say that the
money stringency is due to Roosevelt
policies. It is but a few days since
he accused Roosevelt of stealing his
policies.
Let's forget it, maybe not at once,
but say by the middle of the month,
and everybody get busy just as if noth
ing had happened.
With a balance of $387,000,000 in
the strong box at Washington, npbody
can say Uncle Sam's hard up, strin
gency or no stringency.
Perhaps it win be possible to get
some cordwood cut In Oregon present
ly. There's some hope in that.
This week at least the Portland
horse need not be envious of his noisy,
mechanical competitor.
We congratulate Pilot Rock on hav
ing acquired a places on the railroad
map of Oregon.
Our friend the horse has one dis
tinct advantage. You can't love your
auto.
It will not be out of taste to go to
the horse show in automobiles. -
What's become of the Bull Run con
troversy? And how old is Ann?
COMMENT ON VARIED OREGON TOPICS
Coos County Cooings.
up
ORTY-FOOT FULTON," is the ex
clamation of a Coos Bay paper,
which announced a recent visit of
the Senator to that part of Oregon and
his declaration for a deep harbor.
As friends art several other gentlemen,
we should like "to annex similar sentiments
about them, such as: ' Many More Mul
key," "Heap Heavy Hawley," "Cheerful
Coming Cake," "Hand Hold Hermann."
Our authorities are the undoubted abil
ity of Mr. Mulkey to go Mr. Fulton sev
eral better; Mr. Ha.wley' recent visit in
that part of Oregon with his "235 pounds
of avoirdupois" ; Cake's promise of a Jour
ney thither, soon; and "Our Blnger's"
pump-handle handshake, with which he
used to greet grandsons and nephews In
Coos. As for candidates for office, Coos
Bay might adopt the motto "Forty-foot
fellows or fight."
This Little World of Ours.
A MIGHTY little world Is this of ours,
after all. Go to New York and you
meet in the thickest of Broadway the last
person on earth you expect to see. Port
land .travelers bring back tales from the
uttermost corners of the globe of having
met Jones or Smith, who once dwelt In
this city.
A Portland man at the Jamestown Fair
last month offered himself to the tender
mercies of a barber. As the razor pro
ceeded, with, its business, the visitor
squirmed his body and twisted his face,
but the barber seemed unconscious of the
"pulling." Finally the .victim exclaimed:
"I think' I know that razor."
"That so?" commented the hirsute ar
tist, coolly. "Where are you from?"
The Portlander told him.
"Well, sir," resumed the barber, "I used
to work in Portland at the M shop.
Come to think of it, you are the man who
used to .ask for West?"
The identification being complete, the
barber finally called "Next!"
Ideal Place for "Central."
UP IN Monmouth the telephone switch
board has been moved to the Jewelry
store. Telephone users will please be more
lenient hereafter while "Central" dreams
of gallant suitors over those solitaire dia
monds. "Central" should not, however,
with a toes of the head, spurn them all,
as the maid of long ago did the suitors of
her day dreams, after planning the sale
of the"egKs and successive trades with the
eggs until she was a beautifully attired
damsel. The tose of her head cast the
eggs to the ground and with them her
dreams.
When Misery 19 Happier.
DEPOSITORS of the defunct Oregon
Trust & Savings Bank might have
yiought they had some comfort last week
since "misery loves company." but it
didn't pay them anything.
Milt Miller Abroad.
MA. Miller, Democratic warhorse of
Linn County, while visiting in
Eastern Oregon as lecturer for the Wood
men, made several addresses to school
children. Perhaps after hearing the mel
lifluous oratory of Senator Miller, the
little folks have wondered .that there are
so few Democrats in Eastern Oregon.
As a matter of fact, however, there are
relatively fewer Democrats in Linn than
there used to be except when Mr. Mil
ler runs for State Senator.
Heres' One for Brother Broughcr.
THE preacher, an earnest and eloquent
man, yet poorly clad, desired a lit
tle help from the. audience to which he
had spoken for an hour. He asked a
brother to pass the hat his own hat a
poor, battered one; but it returned to
him without a cent in It. He looked at It,
then exclaimed: "Thank God I've got my
hat back from this congregation; and I
don't know what Christ was thinking of
when he died for such a cheap lot as you
are!"
' Studies Indians In Missouri.
BF. JONES, of Independence, has re-
turned from Missouri, whither ha
went "to be shown" the status of the
Indian as a citizen. We are not, informed
whether he investigated real Indians or
persons possessing certain bad traits of
that folk. Dwelling near Grand Ronde
and SUetz Indian reservations, Mr. Jones
has come in contact with the genuine
article. As a member of the Legislature
he has perhaps seen the imitation brand.
We are glad to know that Missouri Is
ahead of Oregon In each kind of goods.
Yamhill Entertainment.
YAMHILL County is said to have 'in
vented a new entertainment, known
as the "onion social." Six girls stand in
line and one bites an onion. Bach young
man in the company pays ten cents to
guess the girl who bit the onion. If right,
he may kiss the five others: If wrong, he
must kiss the onion girl. This partly ex
plains the high price of onions. Of
course, the five should not be suspected
of telling on the one; that would be real
mean.
When Cnpid Laughs at Banks.
IF IT is unlawful for a bank depositor
to draw out money on a legal holiday,
or for a Judge to issue a decree of di
vorce. Is it lawful for the County Clerk to
issue a certificate authorizing the parson
to mate a couple who can't wait until
the bank holidays are over?
This vexing question confronted Clerk
Fields, of Multnomah, last Tuesday, and
he steeled his heart against the seekers
of nuptial bliss. But not for long. Pres
ently seven young men bore in their
pockets tho State's sanction of their de
sire to supply the Nation's military with
new material for soldiers, should any be
needed. "
Wise lawyers nodded approvingly, and
so did Judge Cleland, from his high seat
in the Court House.
As marriage was on earth before laws,
banks, judges, County Clerks, holidays,
and even hard times, it holds the right
of precedence over all. When banks
crashed in '93, and there was little to do
to keep the stomach fed and the back
clad, the parson was busy. The fruits
thereof are now in school.
For in the days that were before the flood
they were eating; and drinking, marrying
and giving- in marriage, until tho day that
Noah entered tho ark. Matthew xxlv:3S.
As for the bills of the grocer and the
landlord, that's another story.
Fair Apples and Trouble.
YAMHILL. COUNTY held an apple
fair last week, at which the fruit is
said to hava blushed more prettily than
Hood River's. Next will come Hood
Kiver'a show. One's opinion as to which
apples are the better depends on those ha
sees last. Like the gentleman who was
susceptible to the charms of several fem
lnines. "How happy could I be with
either were t'other dear charmer away,"
that is If he cannot have both AooS
River and Yamhill apples at once. The
apple is the best of all fruits, but It lias
got men and women into a deal of trou
ble, at one time or another.
To Make Cash Plentiful.
IN mlghtbe shoveled up by the
barrelful," says the Eugene Guard,
In the midst of the cash famine of th
bankers, "if . some vaudeville manager
could engage Booker Washington to do
a coon song and banje act. with Tillman
playing the accompaniment on the
piano." So would a charge of $1 a seat
at the next court hearing of Mrs. Way
mire and $5 for the bald-headed row; or
a $1 license for each tale of racy gossip.
There are many chances for making
money if we could only find them.
Riches are mine, fortune Is in my hand,
They whom I favor thrive In wealth amatn.
While virtue, valor, wisdom, sit In want.
Paradise Regained.
Aunt Polly's Philosophy,
WHAT'S the use of holidays when the
schools don't "let out?"
After all, we shall be thankful for
many things on Thanksgiving; neither
air, water nor earth is locked up In the
banks.
Bull Run by any other name would be
Just as fair and also pure.
Honesty conies back as the' best policy
after the harvest Is over and the panlo
threatens.
Some persons are prosperous with cord
wood at $7 a cord; others are prosperous
with cordwood at $3..
Noble Goat in Josephine.
GOAT-RAISERS of Josephine County
will form an organization like the
frultmen's unions. And why not? The
Good Book tells us of "three things
which go well, yea, four are comely In
going": A lion, a greyhound, a he goat
and a king. The chin-whiskered gen
tleman has had a noble place In world's
history, notwithstanding his Iron stomach
and his hardened head and his use to
symbolize tho wicked, in the promised
division of the sheep from the goats.
Over In Palestine he was not endowed
with the fleece of the modern Angora In
Josephine County. Consequently, he wna
not highly esteemed. In Wall street a
Josephine Angora would be welcomed
right merrily. Nobody objects to an in-,
dividual who "butts In" if ho brinprs
something with him. Success to the
goat-breeders' union.
Talents Steeped in Venom.
PERHAPS worthy of Editor Fitzmnu
rice or Hartshorn, of Condon; Ed
itor Geer or Huffman, of Pendleton;
Editor Kennedy 'or Small, of Baker City,
Is this, from the Hoqulam Washlng
tonian: If we were blessed ? with the amiable
disposition of our red-headed contemporary,
who waddles throuKh tho streets llko a fat
duck In search of an angleworm, we would
feel llko hiding behind tho alleged case of
chronic dyspepsia heretofore alluded to.
Then wo would feel H Incumbent to occupy
next day (Sunday) In thanksgiving that w
were allowed but one opportunity each week
In which to exhibit our insane Jealous hate.
We do not seek to lift this sample of
editorial amenity to the level of the
foregoing men's talent, but to show
that they have contemporary elingers
of nouns, adjectives and verbs.
Mr. Ellis' "Jolly."- '
REPRESENTATIVE IN CONGRESS
ELLIS, after two years, has vis
ited Prinevllle again "to find a re
markable .change in the appearance"
of the city. "The city has taken on
metropolitan airs," he said.
The citizens didn't aeem to notice
the improvement in the appearance of
Mr. Ellis. That was an oversight
which ahouldn't have happened. And
maybe he will take on more metro
politan airs himself after the next
election. Don't you think so, Mr.
Ellis? Give Portland that Jolly and
we'll hand It back.
Peanuts and Politicians.
AURORA 1h boasting, like several
other localities, of Its fine peanuts.
None of the places admits, however,
Its large crop of peanut politicians.
We don't mean to say Aurora has such
a crop, but if It hasn't it is the luckiest
town in Oregon."
Mr. Achilles, Pastor.
PLEET-FOOTED ACHILLES, as
Homer called antiquity's hero, per
formed many deeds of valor. The suc
cessor of his name. Rev. Mr. Achilles,
of Penewawa, on Snake River, seems
fleet-footed, too, and we doubt not,
valorous and "godlike" as Homer als
called the original, for we find tin
reverend gentleman hastening to Th
Dalles to tie a nuptial knot. Hero
Achilles was dipped by his mother,
Thetis, into the river Styx, to make
him invulnerable, all but his heel, by
which she held him. But wo are told
there are no vulnerable spots in Mr.
Achilles' pastoral zeal.
How Hcppner Keeps Warm.
HHEPPXER fuel dealer announces
that he has received abundance
of coal from Utah to ward off Win
ter's cold. Thanks to Mr Harriman.
the coal up. back of Heppner 20 or 30
miles is still there, and consumers pay
a 1000-mile freight rate.
Healthy Grants Pass.
A GRANTS PASS newspaper boasta
that Its town has not been visited
by'death for two weeks nor Its county
by Insanity for 30 days. Evidently
there is no need of the unwritten law
in Grants Pass. Josephine must be a
dandy-for its County Judge to leave on
vacations, since there are no insane
persons for him to look after. Judge
Webster might move back to Southern
Oregon.
Mr. Bristol Let orf Easy.
SEVERAL days ago W. C. Bristol,
United States Attorney for Oregon,
visited Roseburg. A local newspaper,
which seeks all the news, said of him:
"Mr. Bristol is investigating some land
matters and will probably fintsh his
work this evening." What land mat
ters and why? Bet a nickel the news
paper passed up a good story.