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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 3, 1907)
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Cal W. H. Johnson, Fourteenth and Franklin streets; N. Wheatley; Oakland News Stand; B. E. Amos, manager, live wagons. (oldfleld. Nev. Louis Follln; C. E. Hunter. Eureka, Cal. Call-Chronicle Agency; Eu reka News Co. PORTLAND. SVNDAY. NOVEMBER. 8, 1907 THERE IS NO PARALLEL. Mr. Bryan also gives out his opinion. To do so Is ono of his . constitutional rights. But Mr. Bryan's opinion on any matter of money or finance Is not very valuable. The reason lies In the complete preoccupation of his mind with the fiat Idea of money. It is a form of the fixed Idea that gets a lodgr merit tn certain miijls, and all things else are merely relative to it. One thing, however, Mr. Bryan now says that Is perfectly true, namely that the conditions which made the panic and depression of 18'J3 are utterly different from those existing now. They were, indeed, and were far more serious. No panic, no period of depression, ever came from such sources as the cataclysm of 1893 pro ceeded from; because no people ever before acted so foolishly, in a particu lar direction, as our people did. We made the panic and the depression of 1893 by our silver folly, which threat ened to change the value of the dollar from the gold basis to the silver basis. This caused gold to hide away, made money excessively scarce, and suspend ed credit everywhere. People would neither make nor receive promises stated in terms of dollars when they couldn't tell what the dollar was to be worth whether it was to have the value of a fixed weight of gold or a fixed weight of silver, at the arbitrary ratio of sixteen to one. Mr. Bryan says that in 1893 prices were falling "because of a restricted money supply." But what caused a restricted money supply? The im minence of a change from the gold to a silver basis. For many years the treasury had been forced by law to buy 4,500,000 ounces of silver a month,' upon which full legal tender notes were issued, upon the ratio of sixteen to one. This had carried Into circula tion 53.000,000 of silver notes every year; and for nearly twenty years the process had continued. But as fast as these silver notes had gone into cir culation, gold had disappeared. The sliver dollar on the ratio was worth only half as much as the gold dollar. People, therefore, kept gold and paid out silver; and gold, finding Itself idle here, was shipped in immense sums to Europe. All this silver, or the notes that . represented it, didn't, therefore, add to the amount of money In circu lation, but actually restricted It. Even worse.'the system destroyed credit, be cause it was clearly foreseen by the financial world that if the policy were not arrested our money would soon slump to the silver basis and the dol lar then would . have an unknown but greatly reduced value. Mr. Bryan was not the author of this policy of extraordinary folly, but he became Its champion. In the effort to maintain the gold standard prices fell, because gold was driven out of the country or hidden avay; but prices would not. have fallen had gold been let alone. After the total expulsion of gold prices, measured in silver, would have risen; but we should have had an in ferior currency, out of harmony with the world's prices and values, and the) transition wouM have produced an earthquake shock to all the business of the country. The long-continued assault on the gold standard was the sole cause of the trouble. When it closed, as a consequence" of the . de feat of Mr. Bryan in 1896. business, prices,, values, everything, quickly be came normal again. All the prophecies of the silver pro paganda were at once refuted by re covery of business and credit. But the propagandists of silver ever since have .v. n trying to . cover their confusion ; the declaration that the - recovery ::is been due to the Increased produc tion of gold. It is as shallow an as sertion as'any other pretence of the silver craze. s There was gold enough, had it not been driven to foreign coun tries, and into hiding places at home. by continual " injection of overvalued silver into the circulation of the coun try. There was as much gold In the country. In proportion to the business, before the silver craze came on. as there is now. Foreign countries, fre from fiat money demagogues, had gold enough. What our silver movement, stood for was absolute negation of economic and monetary science. But Mr. Bryan, who became spokesman of the craze,- didn't know, doesn't know to this day, and never can learn he cause he has his fixed idea what was the matter. Should .our country re sume the policy that so nearly upset everything in 1893, the same conse quences would follow again, only fast er. An attempt now to make silver circulate as money on equality with gold, would expel gold as rapidly as before, and the increased gold product of the world, would neither save us nor make any difference whatever. The present money crisis stands on causes so different that they bear no relation whatever to the causes of the crisis of 1893. There Is ample money in the country. All prices are hih. But the people have locked the money up, for the present. Alarmed by tho operations of the plungers and brig ands of finance and speculation in the East, the people have taken their monkey out of the depositories, fearing lrfss of it. This Is the direct cause; but the moving cause was the piratical operations of the gangs of buccaneers and desperadoes, who were gambling with money not their own. These looters. It was discovered, had access to many banks and to many great trust funds; and depositors, fearing loss, t.ook out their money as fast as they could. It should not be surpris ing that they' thought it was time to make their own secure. Here in the West, from no fault of our own, we are suffering embarrassment from the iniquities of Eastern frenzied finance, and from the efforts of the people there to protect themselves. This locks up Western monev, for the time. IT IS AN IMPASSE. It Is not only or merely to protect the banks, but also to protect the de positors and the mercantile and Indus trial interests of Oregon, that the Gov ernor of Oregfin has declared a. legal holiday again for Monday; coupled with the statement that such holiday will bo declared from day to day, till the necessity for It shall no longer ap pear. It is the only resource. The money of the banks of the West has been mostly paid out to float the vast prod ucts of the West to distant markets. In Ordinary course the money would be coming back. But the flow has stopped. New York is the financial center of the Western world; and New York, panic-stricken for money, pays nothing. The order went forth from New York two weeks ago to collect every dollar from all parts of the country and forward it by express to New York. The order is being enforced rig orously in every city and town, at every railway station, at every express office, throughout the West and South. Not only so, but with the Invoices or bills of lading comes the command to collect In money the additional fee for payment of the express charges on the money to New York. No railroad agent Is allowed to deposit his collec tions in a local bank, for New York exchange, but every one is, ordered to ship his money to New York by ex press. And the bills of the West and South are ignored, and the West and South can't get back a dollar. Wheat bills and lumber bills and cotton bills and corn bills and cattle , billla are nothing. New York, center of Amer ican finance,head of banking and rail way and express and mercantile busi ness, is taking In .money, by forcible process; not paying It out, on any pro cess. This shuts us down for & while, therefore, and we must protect our selves. Hence- this necessity of the legal holiday expedient. Hence the necessity of comprehension of the sub ject by our own people. Depositors can't get their money out of the banks right now. It Is so everywhere. But the resources of the anks, invested in solid values, are sound. These pres ently will be realizable values. This word now to the people. In the phrase of the olden time, "Your strength is to sit still." JUDGE WEBSTER'S "VACATIONS." County Judge Webster admits that he has been absent for long periods from his Probate Court, his law court, the Board of County Commissioners, the Board of Equalization and other posts of responsibility which he holds by virtue of his being the chief admin istrative magistrate of the county. He defends himself by saying he is enti tled to as long vacations as are the Circuit Judges for this county, who ab sent themselves two months of each year. But if Judge AVebster is entitled to two months' vacation, why not other county officers also? Suppose County Clerk Fields should stop the functions of his marriage license department, or of his recording department, as Judge Webster has suspended the work of his court, by going away on vacations two or three months long each time? Sup pose the County Sheriff or the County Treasurer or the County Auditor should do the same? Of course they would not dare do it, even though their absence would not stop the work of their offices, as the absence of the County Judge stops the procedure of his court. It has not yet come to pass, either, that the County Judge has attained the high station of the Circuit Court. In one capacity the County Judge is an intermediate magistrate between the Justice Court and "the Circuit Court. Neither Justice Reld nor Justice Olson has yet taken two months' vacations. It is also important to note that. even though the Circuit Judges may take two months away from their court, they are not all absent at one time, nor is the Circuit Court closed. During Judge Webster's absence all important probate business waits, since prudent lawyers will not take probate matters before the Circuit Court when the constitution especially says that the County Court is the Probate Court. It might be well to mention further that the Circuit Judges do not take respite from their public work in order to em ploy themselves at private labors, for this client In Lakeview and that in Burns, both of which places are nearly as far from Portland, in time, as Chi cago. Judge Webster's services, which seem so valuable far away, may not be needed by the people "of Multnomah County, In the Board of Equalization, the Board of Commissioners or the county law court, s'.nce there are other county officials to take his place in the duties of those positions; but the coun ty does need his presence In the Pro bate Court, in order to keep that de partment of the county government open for business, as the la-.v requires. The Probate Court was practically closed during nearly all of October. That was his third long absence this year. Still Judge Webster thinks the county has got along quite well. If that is the case, the test proves that it could probably get along better with out him altogether. GENERAL WILLIAM BOOTH. Bowed with age, pathetic in appear ance but still earnest and determined. General William Booth, commander of the Salvation Army, Is In New York City and will close in a short time his last visit of inspection of the army m the United States. His brief stay In that city will, as is seemly, be the oc casion of special honor bestowed by the Governor of the state, while citi zens in every reputable walk of life will unite to welcome and cheer him. Forty-six years ago General Booth, then nearlng middle age, founded the Salvation Army. A sympathetic man, he saw with pity the condition a veri table "slough of despond" in which what he afterward designated the "submerged tenth" of the great cities of Great Britain lived; a practical man, he saw that it would not be possible to reach and lift them up Without going down to them; a man of great mental resources, he conceived the plan upon which the Salvation Army is based and builded, and the results have fully demonstrated the quality of his hu manity, his perspicuity and his re ligion The xbasic principle of his long en deavor is that work is the great rem edy for all human ilfs. This principle he has proclaimed not alone in words, but in deeds, to struggling, staggering or stagnant thousands who form the sub-stratum of human life in London. His message has not been an empty one,. .Ways and means whereby it could be made effective have been de vised and .worked out, and today there are " hundreds and even thousands of human beings living clean, sober lives in their own humble homes through plans which he originated and which his most remarkable family have engi neered to success. Sneers and jibes greeted General Booth's first efforts; his organized workers were hissed and reviled and even bodily assaulted In every city In our own land less than a quarter of a century ago. Tclay he is honored as the originator and head of the greatest social, religious and Industrial organ ization ever instituted for the non churchgolng masses a very king in the realm of good works. In honor ing him by formal welcome and civic distinction, as they will do tomorrow, the officials of New York, headed by Governor Hughes, will do honor to their state. Hailed by workers in all religious organlaztions in the voice of good comradeship; honored -by officials of the state and city; loudly acclaimed by the "vast multitude that march un der the banner of the Salvation Army to the roll of hallelujahs and the sound of cymbals, General Booth will pass his latest and most likely his last days in America, and at the end of the week sail hence to England. i:y peace, honor and ,the satisfaction that attends the consciousness of a well-spent life go with him and abide with him to the end. JUDGE NOT. A pulpit orator of fine accomplish ments and charming manner discussed the other night, in Portland the old text "Judge, not." , Taking into ac count the preoccupation of almost everybody with financial dubitations and perplexities at this time, his audi ence was very large, and none who was present could question that they were deeply interested. It rather indi cates, one would think, that some Portlanders have souls above mere dollars when they are' eager to sit for an hour or two and listen to a discus sion of this and other themes equally remote from the material; for Mr. B. Fay Mills -. seems disposed to cover pretty nearly. every question and very doubt that the human intellect has de vised while he stays in Portland. If the cover turns out to be somewhat thin, one must remember how wide it has to be stretched. In his treatment of the question whether or not we ought to make moral judgments upon our fellow-men, Mr. Millls seems to dis tinguish between conduct and charac ter. His opinion is that we may, per haps ougHt to, condemn immoral con duct, but since we can know really nothing about the character which lies behind the conduct, we have no right to judge it. It is impossible for any man to say positively that another is wicked,, because the interior workings and secret motives of the other cannot be known. ' . . " This is a pleasing theory of our rela tions to ours fellow-men. It tends toward charity. It upbuilds that spirit of forbearance without which life in society Is impossible. But one cannot withhold the remark that If it were carried out extensively in practice it would destroy that very social struc ture which it seems at first glance to fortify. Of course some one might re ply that the social structure ought to be destroyed, but we doubt whether Mr. Mills would take that position. . It appears to be fairly easy to maintain the thesis that the fascinating distinc tion between character and conduct is wholly illusory. Conduct and charac ter are but two sides of the same shield. Conduct is the aspect which it presents to the outer world; character is the inner side, and the inner is not a whit more real than the outer. It is common enough -to say of some ques tionable individual "Oh, yes, his ac tions are deplorable i' but if you could only know his heart as it really is, you would find him altogether lovable." But such talk is nonsense, because the man's acts are his heart. At least they are the complete expression of his heart. The beautiful words and pathetic phrases by which he con vinces people that his deeper nature is something other' and better than his conduct are deceptive. The only pos sible way to know what a thing is, is to observe what it does, and this way is always sufficient. The rule applies to all things whatsoever, from the Al mighty to a current of electricity. Scientists weakly admit that we do not, and perhaps cannot, know what electricity is; w- can only know what It does. But the distinction is evanes cent. What it does is the very essence of Its being. Parrhasius invited his Athenian friends "to see . a picture he had painted. They gathered and wait ed, supposing that the picture stood behind a curtain wfftch seemed to hide it. "Withdraw -the " curtain," they cried finally, "and let us see the pic ture." But' he could not withdraw it, for the curtain was the picture. -So it is with the hypothetical distinction be tween activity and the reality which acts. The activity is all the reality there is. When a being ceases to act it -ceases to exist. Not otherwise have, the theologians deluded us and themselves about the Almighty. With a whole universe full of his activity aro-ind and within us they have sought to find him out by the vain processes of metaphysical logic and their effQrts have invariably ended where they began. The invet erate theory has been that God was something other and apart from his activity and ecclesiastics have depre ciated the study of what he is doing in comparison with their fruitless search for what he is. The great merit of what is called "The New Theslogy" consists in its recognition of the truth that the activity of God is God, and that by the study of what goes on in the universe we can find out all about him. Hence agnosticism is no longer a rational mental attitude. It follows that there is somthinj logically absurd as well as practically destructive in the doctrine that we may rightfully judge a man's conduct but not hisj-haracter. ' Mr. Mills con demns mofll Judgments because they stir up strife. Broadly stated, his teaching Is that whatever tends toward harmony, or quiescence, Is right; whatever tends toward strife is wrong. The accomplished orator must mean "quiescence" by the word "harmony." He certainly cannot mean activity of any kind, 'for there is no activity in the world which Is not the result of strife and which is not maintained by strife. . Were discord to cease, exist ence would cease with it. This truth was discerned clearly enough as long ago as Parmenides, who put it tersely in the saying that "All things are be gotten by war." Certainly nothing that the human race has ever gained came to it by quiescence. None of our social or individual possessions ever came to us by waiting, and it is safe to say that none ever will. In fact, the philosophy of quiescence which Mr. Mills teaches is a sort of grandilo quent Micawberismj an everlasting waiting for something to turn up. Its fine language is a rather thin veil for the unconquerable laziness of those who adopt it. Whatever man has gained has been by strenuous exercise of brain and muscle.. Whatever prog ress we have" made morally has come through Judging our fellow-men and ourselves, and executing the Judgments with unsparing severity. Mr. Mills does not admit that if we were to adopt the policy of not Judging each other the distinctl-n between right and wror-would vanish, but he can never convince the common sense of man kind to the contrary. THE HORSE. Next to the dog the most Intelligent of our domestic animals is the pig. In the realm of pure Intellect he far out ranks the horse. No man who ever owned a pig will deny that he is fiend ishly shrewd; but did anybody ever think of calling a horse shrewd? If the horse is a "noble animal," as so many people like to say, it Is for other qualities' than those of the Intellect. It is his moral nature that excites ad miration together with his strength and physical beauty. Morally the horse Is altogether admirable. He can learn little, but that little he learns so well that he never forgets it, .and has it ready always, except when he Is scared. Unfortunately he Is too easily scared. A. bit of white paper throws-.him Into a panic of fear; a hole in the ground newly dug sets him. all a-tremble." His courage, so highly lauded in the Book of Job, Is pure fic tion. The joy of battle which he dis plays Is mere habit. He laughs at the danger from shot and shell because he does not know it exists. The' mighty warhorse who quails not at the can non's mouth will sweat with feafr at the sight of a bicycle. He is a creat ure of habit. Happily most of his habits are ex cellent. Naturally he is affectionate. An ugly horse indicates a cruel mas ter. If his education is begun early and conducted by methods of kindness he learns without pain to himself or trouble to his teacher. Being imi tative, he will do whatever he sees his dam do. He will wear a bit with out impatience by her side which would drive him frantic if he were alone. He will let.rn to draw a load without the slightest difficulty if only he is harnessed to the cart with his dam. Like a human youth, the colt must be educated according to his na ture, and not against It, to obtain the best results. The trouble in both cases is that those who are called to teach lack temper and time to follow Nature and seek to reach results by short cuts. Thereby they spoil their work. Colts differ in disposition among themselves as much as boys. Some, are naturally quiet, some are rough. Some love to be fondled, to others a gentle touch Is an indication that lively sport is the game and they take their part by biting and jumping. But the bite or stroke of a colt no more indicates vice than does a puppy's nip with his teeth. The faint est gesture of displeasure cows hjm. His rough trfeks can be unlearned al most In a moment. Cruelty, or even severity, is entirely out of place in handling a colt. Descartes taught that all the lower animals- were mere automatons, ani mated machines without feeling. The horsemen of Continental Europe may know nothing of his philosophy, but they act uopn its precepts. Howells tells of a party of Italians who crowd ed into a little wagon, drawn by one horse and drove him- to exhaustion without a thought that tlaey were act ing cruelly. All over Europe the lot of the horse is heartrending. It Is doubtful if he is treated worse among' the American Indians ; or cowboys. One writer tells of a practice prevail ing in France which makes us wonder whether parts of the world are-not given over to Satan to rule.The hortes are systematically starved and over worked on the theory that it is cheaper to buy a succession of fresh ones than to feed them. The overseers in the cotton fields of the Far South, or some of them, used to work their slaves on the sttme system; and it Is followed to day in our factories which employ child labor. Hence we must not re proach French cruelty to the horse too openly or we may provoke a retort. The cowboys (have received a great deal of misplaced admiration for their skill in "busting" their ponies. It their frightful cruelty were necessary it would perhaps be excusable, but it is wholy needless. They torture their ponies into submission for - precisely the same reason that we put our chil dren to play in dark basements and herd them in huge disease-breeding groups which we call schools. It is done because it is cheap. To take the ponies when they are young and edu cate them by kindness would require time and expense. Therefore the practice is to wait till they are mature and impart tin entire education in three or four weeks of torment. No wonder the cow ponies are ugly. There is no more mystery about their bad disposition than there is about the tu berculosa of a man who has been kept a year in the Oregon Penitentiary. Is racing cruel? Heaven knows. All we can be certain of Is that it is wicked. The horses seem to like it, and, if improved form and spirit are any indication, it agrees with them. The American thoroughbred trotter is some inches taller and about 15 0 pounds heavier than his great progen itor, the Arabian Messenger. If he is a little gaunt of frame, so is his mas ter. If he exhibits, upon the whole, efficiency rather than beauty, the same is true of the Nation that has bred him. His noble blood flows in two commingling streams from Messenger, .foaled in 1780, and Justin Morgan, whose birth glorified the year 1793. Messenger sired Mambrlno and from Mambrino's son Abdallah camel the" il lustrious Rysdyck's Hambletonlan, the father of all the trotters. Or, rather, one of the fathers, for we must not forget the Morgan stock, which is only less potent than the Hambletonian. From Justin Morgan's colt Sherman came the great Black Hawk Morgan, the pride and glory of Vermont, and the best trotting stock of our day min gles in. its veins the Morgan and Ham-' bletonian blood. "Paradise Lost" was bought by a bookseller for J60. Manhattan Island was sold by the natives for $24. These disgraceful facts we can endure to re member, though not without blushes; but who can overcome his shame when he reads that Rysdyck's Hambletonian together with his dam brought only $125? Placed in the stud by his pur chaser, he earned over $200,000 before he died. Thus doth true merit vindi cate itself. In the view of M. Nelidoff, president of the late Hague Peace Conference, as expressed in his closing speech at the adjournment of that body, "time and experience were lacking to enable great progress to be made in devising means to avert war." Specifically stated, proposals for obligatory arbi tration and for the establishment of a permanent court of arbitration had met with insurmountable difficulties. M. Nelidoff. however, is not discour aged, though he declared these funda mental obstacles to universal peace In surmountable, since he believes that progress was made in intimate knowl edge of mutual interests and needs, and in the establishment of relations leading to moral and material solidar ity which would be increasingly op posed to warlike enterprises. This is in a sense consoling, but it is evident that at this rate of progress the dawn ing of the day of universal peace Is far in the future. The fighting instinct is a part of the very life of the race, and based upon it is ail progress .toward national life, all security of na tional rights. In this view its elimina tion from human nature is neither pos sible nor desirable. The Metropolitan Railway system of New York City, according to the find ings of an expert accountant, spent, in lawyers' fees, from February 17, 1902, to September 10 of the pres ent year, $1,154,666.04. One firm alone drew a fee of $564,548, which Uicluded a charge of $75vO0C for simply drawing the lease undet which the New York City Railway controls the Metropolitan an instrument of stereotyped legal verbiage which the most ordinary briefless attorney could fill out prop erly. These inordinpte fees are, of course, collected from the public in 6 cent fares, and indicate the vast profits, at the rate charged, of a powerful street railway corporation in a great city in which a vast army of working men and women live in the suburbs and must cover the distance between their homes and their work twice a day. This tax upon labor is a heavy one, and one of the few the payment of which It is practically Impossible to evade. To those who think "Mr. Dooley" is only a funmaker, we commend his comment on the present financial scare, published on page 12, section 3, of this issuerof The Oregonian. While it is certain to stimulate hearty laugh ter, it will serve also to remove fear from the minds ef wage-earners that they will have difficulty in finding a profitable market for their labor. "So long as there's a Hinnissy in th' wur ruld.V says Mr. Dooley, "an' he has a shovel an' there's something f r him to shpvel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right." But read the whole thing; it is a fine Sunday tonic. The Academy of Sciences In Paris Is investigating a claim of one Arislide Charette, a chemist hitherto unknown, of having made real diamonds. Is it possible that relief is in sight for that portion of the poor, struggling, down trodden American people who are forced, under present conditions of the market, to buy their diamonds on the installment plan and pay the exorbi tant prices fixed by the diamond trust? Let us hope for the best. To the thousands of children who read The Sunday Oregonian: Santa Claus will come thi3 year as" usual. He always has money Christmas time. This is official. ' Mr. Bryan will scarcely say that the money stringency is due to Roosevelt policies. It is but a few days since he accused Roosevelt of stealing his policies. Let's forget it, maybe not at once, but say by the middle of the month, and everybody get busy just as if noth ing had happened. With a balance of $387,000,000 in the strong box at Washington, npbody can say Uncle Sam's hard up, strin gency or no stringency. Perhaps it win be possible to get some cordwood cut In Oregon present ly. There's some hope in that. This week at least the Portland horse need not be envious of his noisy, mechanical competitor. We congratulate Pilot Rock on hav ing acquired a places on the railroad map of Oregon. Our friend the horse has one dis tinct advantage. You can't love your auto. It will not be out of taste to go to the horse show in automobiles. - What's become of the Bull Run con troversy? And how old is Ann? COMMENT ON VARIED OREGON TOPICS Coos County Cooings. up ORTY-FOOT FULTON," is the ex clamation of a Coos Bay paper, which announced a recent visit of the Senator to that part of Oregon and his declaration for a deep harbor. As friends art several other gentlemen, we should like "to annex similar sentiments about them, such as: ' Many More Mul key," "Heap Heavy Hawley," "Cheerful Coming Cake," "Hand Hold Hermann." Our authorities are the undoubted abil ity of Mr. Mulkey to go Mr. Fulton sev eral better; Mr. Ha.wley' recent visit in that part of Oregon with his "235 pounds of avoirdupois" ; Cake's promise of a Jour ney thither, soon; and "Our Blnger's" pump-handle handshake, with which he used to greet grandsons and nephews In Coos. As for candidates for office, Coos Bay might adopt the motto "Forty-foot fellows or fight." This Little World of Ours. A MIGHTY little world Is this of ours, after all. Go to New York and you meet in the thickest of Broadway the last person on earth you expect to see. Port land .travelers bring back tales from the uttermost corners of the globe of having met Jones or Smith, who once dwelt In this city. A Portland man at the Jamestown Fair last month offered himself to the tender mercies of a barber. As the razor pro ceeded, with, its business, the visitor squirmed his body and twisted his face, but the barber seemed unconscious of the "pulling." Finally the .victim exclaimed: "I think' I know that razor." "That so?" commented the hirsute ar tist, coolly. "Where are you from?" The Portlander told him. "Well, sir," resumed the barber, "I used to work in Portland at the M shop. Come to think of it, you are the man who used to .ask for West?" The identification being complete, the barber finally called "Next!" Ideal Place for "Central." UP IN Monmouth the telephone switch board has been moved to the Jewelry store. Telephone users will please be more lenient hereafter while "Central" dreams of gallant suitors over those solitaire dia monds. "Central" should not, however, with a toes of the head, spurn them all, as the maid of long ago did the suitors of her day dreams, after planning the sale of the"egKs and successive trades with the eggs until she was a beautifully attired damsel. The tose of her head cast the eggs to the ground and with them her dreams. When Misery 19 Happier. DEPOSITORS of the defunct Oregon Trust & Savings Bank might have yiought they had some comfort last week since "misery loves company." but it didn't pay them anything. Milt Miller Abroad. MA. Miller, Democratic warhorse of Linn County, while visiting in Eastern Oregon as lecturer for the Wood men, made several addresses to school children. Perhaps after hearing the mel lifluous oratory of Senator Miller, the little folks have wondered .that there are so few Democrats in Eastern Oregon. As a matter of fact, however, there are relatively fewer Democrats in Linn than there used to be except when Mr. Mil ler runs for State Senator. Heres' One for Brother Broughcr. THE preacher, an earnest and eloquent man, yet poorly clad, desired a lit tle help from the. audience to which he had spoken for an hour. He asked a brother to pass the hat his own hat a poor, battered one; but it returned to him without a cent in It. He looked at It, then exclaimed: "Thank God I've got my hat back from this congregation; and I don't know what Christ was thinking of when he died for such a cheap lot as you are!" ' Studies Indians In Missouri. BF. JONES, of Independence, has re- turned from Missouri, whither ha went "to be shown" the status of the Indian as a citizen. We are not, informed whether he investigated real Indians or persons possessing certain bad traits of that folk. Dwelling near Grand Ronde and SUetz Indian reservations, Mr. Jones has come in contact with the genuine article. As a member of the Legislature he has perhaps seen the imitation brand. We are glad to know that Missouri Is ahead of Oregon In each kind of goods. Yamhill Entertainment. YAMHILL County is said to have 'in vented a new entertainment, known as the "onion social." Six girls stand in line and one bites an onion. Bach young man in the company pays ten cents to guess the girl who bit the onion. If right, he may kiss the five others: If wrong, he must kiss the onion girl. This partly ex plains the high price of onions. Of course, the five should not be suspected of telling on the one; that would be real mean. When Cnpid Laughs at Banks. IF IT is unlawful for a bank depositor to draw out money on a legal holiday, or for a Judge to issue a decree of di vorce. Is it lawful for the County Clerk to issue a certificate authorizing the parson to mate a couple who can't wait until the bank holidays are over? This vexing question confronted Clerk Fields, of Multnomah, last Tuesday, and he steeled his heart against the seekers of nuptial bliss. But not for long. Pres ently seven young men bore in their pockets tho State's sanction of their de sire to supply the Nation's military with new material for soldiers, should any be needed. " Wise lawyers nodded approvingly, and so did Judge Cleland, from his high seat in the Court House. As marriage was on earth before laws, banks, judges, County Clerks, holidays, and even hard times, it holds the right of precedence over all. When banks crashed in '93, and there was little to do to keep the stomach fed and the back clad, the parson was busy. The fruits thereof are now in school. For in the days that were before the flood they were eating; and drinking, marrying and giving- in marriage, until tho day that Noah entered tho ark. Matthew xxlv:3S. As for the bills of the grocer and the landlord, that's another story. Fair Apples and Trouble. YAMHILL. COUNTY held an apple fair last week, at which the fruit is said to hava blushed more prettily than Hood River's. Next will come Hood Kiver'a show. One's opinion as to which apples are the better depends on those ha sees last. Like the gentleman who was susceptible to the charms of several fem lnines. "How happy could I be with either were t'other dear charmer away," that is If he cannot have both AooS River and Yamhill apples at once. The apple is the best of all fruits, but It lias got men and women into a deal of trou ble, at one time or another. To Make Cash Plentiful. IN mlghtbe shoveled up by the barrelful," says the Eugene Guard, In the midst of the cash famine of th bankers, "if . some vaudeville manager could engage Booker Washington to do a coon song and banje act. with Tillman playing the accompaniment on the piano." So would a charge of $1 a seat at the next court hearing of Mrs. Way mire and $5 for the bald-headed row; or a $1 license for each tale of racy gossip. There are many chances for making money if we could only find them. Riches are mine, fortune Is in my hand, They whom I favor thrive In wealth amatn. While virtue, valor, wisdom, sit In want. Paradise Regained. Aunt Polly's Philosophy, WHAT'S the use of holidays when the schools don't "let out?" After all, we shall be thankful for many things on Thanksgiving; neither air, water nor earth is locked up In the banks. Bull Run by any other name would be Just as fair and also pure. Honesty conies back as the' best policy after the harvest Is over and the panlo threatens. Some persons are prosperous with cord wood at $7 a cord; others are prosperous with cordwood at $3.. Noble Goat in Josephine. GOAT-RAISERS of Josephine County will form an organization like the frultmen's unions. And why not? The Good Book tells us of "three things which go well, yea, four are comely In going": A lion, a greyhound, a he goat and a king. The chin-whiskered gen tleman has had a noble place In world's history, notwithstanding his Iron stomach and his hardened head and his use to symbolize tho wicked, in the promised division of the sheep from the goats. Over In Palestine he was not endowed with the fleece of the modern Angora In Josephine County. Consequently, he wna not highly esteemed. In Wall street a Josephine Angora would be welcomed right merrily. Nobody objects to an in-, dividual who "butts In" if ho brinprs something with him. Success to the goat-breeders' union. Talents Steeped in Venom. PERHAPS worthy of Editor Fitzmnu rice or Hartshorn, of Condon; Ed itor Geer or Huffman, of Pendleton; Editor Kennedy 'or Small, of Baker City, Is this, from the Hoqulam Washlng tonian: If we were blessed ? with the amiable disposition of our red-headed contemporary, who waddles throuKh tho streets llko a fat duck In search of an angleworm, we would feel llko hiding behind tho alleged case of chronic dyspepsia heretofore alluded to. Then wo would feel H Incumbent to occupy next day (Sunday) In thanksgiving that w were allowed but one opportunity each week In which to exhibit our insane Jealous hate. We do not seek to lift this sample of editorial amenity to the level of the foregoing men's talent, but to show that they have contemporary elingers of nouns, adjectives and verbs. Mr. Ellis' "Jolly."- ' REPRESENTATIVE IN CONGRESS ELLIS, after two years, has vis ited Prinevllle again "to find a re markable .change in the appearance" of the city. "The city has taken on metropolitan airs," he said. The citizens didn't aeem to notice the improvement in the appearance of Mr. Ellis. That was an oversight which ahouldn't have happened. And maybe he will take on more metro politan airs himself after the next election. Don't you think so, Mr. Ellis? Give Portland that Jolly and we'll hand It back. Peanuts and Politicians. AURORA 1h boasting, like several other localities, of Its fine peanuts. None of the places admits, however, Its large crop of peanut politicians. We don't mean to say Aurora has such a crop, but if It hasn't it is the luckiest town in Oregon." Mr. Achilles, Pastor. PLEET-FOOTED ACHILLES, as Homer called antiquity's hero, per formed many deeds of valor. The suc cessor of his name. Rev. Mr. Achilles, of Penewawa, on Snake River, seems fleet-footed, too, and we doubt not, valorous and "godlike" as Homer als called the original, for we find tin reverend gentleman hastening to Th Dalles to tie a nuptial knot. Hero Achilles was dipped by his mother, Thetis, into the river Styx, to make him invulnerable, all but his heel, by which she held him. But wo are told there are no vulnerable spots in Mr. Achilles' pastoral zeal. How Hcppner Keeps Warm. HHEPPXER fuel dealer announces that he has received abundance of coal from Utah to ward off Win ter's cold. Thanks to Mr Harriman. the coal up. back of Heppner 20 or 30 miles is still there, and consumers pay a 1000-mile freight rate. Healthy Grants Pass. A GRANTS PASS newspaper boasta that Its town has not been visited by'death for two weeks nor Its county by Insanity for 30 days. Evidently there is no need of the unwritten law in Grants Pass. Josephine must be a dandy-for its County Judge to leave on vacations, since there are no insane persons for him to look after. Judge Webster might move back to Southern Oregon. Mr. Bristol Let orf Easy. SEVERAL days ago W. C. Bristol, United States Attorney for Oregon, visited Roseburg. A local newspaper, which seeks all the news, said of him: "Mr. Bristol is investigating some land matters and will probably fintsh his work this evening." What land mat ters and why? Bet a nickel the news paper passed up a good story.