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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Jan. 6, 1907)
J 40 r IE SUNDAY OREGQIUAtf, FORTLP, tfAITOART 0, WTi I Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their forty-five- ycar-nld chil-.lher to be educated in th' San"' Francisco public schools. Another reason why it looks like war to Hogan an' ' th' Alderman is that they'd been'dhrinkin' together. Day aft her day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th column next to th' half-page ad. of th' Koppenheimer bargain sale that th' defeat in Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. They were litsjhly civilized. A Jap could march three hun dhrcd miles a day for eight days with nawthin' to eat but a fruindhrop. " Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O "Casey 's pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back, was th' loveliest thing- in th' wurruld. As with us on'y th' lower classes engaged in business. Th' old a rryst ocraey disdained to thrade, but started banks an' pot all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance. lie could devote. his life to paintin' wan rib in a fan for two dollars, or he cud be- - come a cab horse. vJ'is no pleasant sight to see a Jap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin' "Mary Had a Ijittle Lamb." An if th riissidint wants thim to enther th' schools, he'll have to load thim in cannon an' shoot thim in. BY R DUNNE. (Copyright, l!OK. by 31. II. Mc- Cluro & Co., Inc.). (&gjlt Oti AX was in here just O now." said Mr. Dooley, :ni' lie tells me he was talkin' with th Alderman an' they both we're sun; to have war with th" .Japs, inside iv two years. They can sic it eomin'. Befure very lung thim little brown hands Mf-rust 1 h ' sen will hand us a crack Vvhwss7C SSL, A THIRD KKASON WHY IT LOOKS IIEIUIAX IS THAT 'I'll KVil in th' eye an' thin yell see throu- hU:" ''Whin's it all about!" asked Sir. Ileimessy. "Divvle a thing can I nuike out iv it." said Mr. Dooley. "llogan says we ve got to fight f 'r th' su- pivcmaoy iv til' Passyfic. Much iifrlitiri ' I'd do fr an ocean, but hiivin' taken tlr ririlippeens, which ar-re a blamed nuisance, an" th' Sandwich Islands that're ahout as vallynhle as a toy balloon to a horseshoer. we've gojt to grab a lot iv th' sumnmdin' dampness In protect ihiiu. That's wan rea- sou why we're sure to have war. Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their little 45-year- "hi ('liilulier to be iddycated in th' San Francisco public schools. A third reason why it looks like war to llogan an' th' Alderman is that they'd been dhrinkin' to- P'ther. "Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in tins tounthry end even talk iv war wid thim delightful, cunning little OryemaW Why, 'tis less thin two years since IJogan was cumin' here fr'ni th' bankit iv th' I'liion of Vsurors with his arms around th' top iv a Jap's head while th' Jap clutched llogan af fectionately about th' waist an' they sting '(iaw.l Save th' Micky- doo.' D'ye raymimbor how we hoi-! lered with joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th' bottom iv a. man-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we cheered in th' theaytre to see the' cute little sojers iv th' Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyan moo- jiks with masheen guns. An' fin'lly whin th' Japs had gone a thousand miles into Rooshyan ter ritory an' were about busted an' ayether had to stop fightin' or not hi sill 1 raaiw 1,1 KK WAR TO HOCAX AN' THE AL. BEES DKINKI" TOGETHER. have ear fare home, our worthy Prisidint, ye know who I mean, jumped to th' front an' cried 'Boys, stop it. It's gone far enough to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An' th' angel iv peace brooded over th' earth ah' crowed lustily. "Day afther day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' col umn next to th' half-page ad iv S - XIS A rLEASA.VT BIGHT TO SEE A JAPANESE Pt TO. WITH A BET OF (iRAY WHISKERS LARXIX' 'WARY H.J) A LITTLE LAMB." th' Koppenheimer bargain sale that th' defeat iv Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord' on th' Czar. If ye saw a Jap anywhere ye asked him to take a dhrink. "Hogan talked about nawthin else. They were a wondherf ul lit tie people. How they had divil oped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was pkel to th' way they'd come vf They end shoot straijjhter an' oftener thin anny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundherd miles a day f 'r eight days with nawthin' to" eat but a gumdhrop. They trere high- ly civvylized. Tt was an old civ- vylization, but not tainted' be' age. Millyons iv years befure th' first white man set fut in Milwaukee .h' Japs undherstuhd th' mamiy- facther iv patent wrinpers, sew in' masheens, reapers, tillyphories, autymobilles, ice cream freezers, an' all th' other wonders iv our boasted Western divilopemint. "Their customs showed how highly they'd heen ' civvylized. X . . . MR. POOLET, BT HARRY HURPHT. Whin a Jap soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to have his head cut off he wud stab himself, in th' stum mick. Their threatment iv worn- en put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ajro befure th' higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this eounthry, th poorest man in Japan cud sind his daughter to a teahouse, which is th' same as our female siminarics where, she remained till she grad- yated as th' wife iv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th ' Jap artist, O 'Ca sey 's pitcher .iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back, was th loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were'th' gr- reatest athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Jiffries over a church. They, had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cud blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finest soordsmen that iver'd been seen. When a Japanese soordsnian wint into a combat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thin he utthered a blood-curdlin ' , cry, waved his soord four hundherd an' fifty times over th' head iv th' victim, or in th ' case iv a Samuri eight hundhred an' ninety:six, give a whoop resimblin' our , English wurrud 'tag,' an' clove him to th- feet. As with U3 on'y th' lower classes engaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy . distained to thrade, but started banks. an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance, fie cud devote his life to painting wan rib iv a fan f 'r which he got two dollars. or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan "branch iv art that Western ciwyjization is (supposed to excel in they had us beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld, an', formerly friends iv. th Pnsidint. "All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' papers. I invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' lord hadn't given me two blue' an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkilhb nose, but a nose like an ear an a couple iv shoe-buttons f 'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap .an' belong to th' higher c.ivvylization. llogan had a Jap frind that used to come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a cook an' a student in a theelogieal sinrinry. They'd talk be th' hour about th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh, wondherful land,' says Hogan, 'Land iv chrysanthemums an' cherry blossoms and gayshee girls, says he. 'Jap-an is a beautiful land,' says Prince Okoko. 'Nippon that's th' name it goes by at home), Nippon, I sa lute ye,' says Hogran. 'May vic- thry perch upon ye 'er banners, an' may ye hammer our old f rinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Mos cow. Banssi,' says he. An' they embraced. That night in ordher to help on the cause, Hogan bought a blue flower pot fr'm th' Prince's collection fr eighteen dollars. He took it home indher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' next mornin' most iv th' flower pot HE'LL HAVE was on bis new overcoat, an th' rest was meltin' all over th' flure. "That was th' beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' two gr-reat nations that owe thim- silves so much - About th time Hogan got th' f'ower pot, th' fire sale ads an' th' Rooshyan out rage news both stopped in the newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled to To- keeo with a letter iv inthradue tion to the Mickydoo from the Prisidint beginnin'. 'Dear Mick got a -brick put through his hat as he wint to visit, th' foorth assist ant to th' manicure iv th eighth assistant to th' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to His Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little later a num ber iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive in per son th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin' ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth iv their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel. Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' alley were shot while hookin' seals from our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week, a prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a social vis- it to th' Ph'lippeens. He had with BOl'uHT A BLIE FLOWER TOT. him at th' time two cameras, -a couple iv linemen, survey in' tools, a thousand-feet iv tapeline an' a bag iv dinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese governmint wrote to th' Prisidint 'Most gra cious an' bewilderin' majesty, impror iv th' Sun, austere an' pa- tient father iv th' stars, it has come to our benign attintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our' little prattlin' childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th' first reader TO LOAD THIM IX A CAXXOX AN" RHOOT T1IBI IX. classes in th' public schools. Ol brother beloved, we adore y Had ye not butted in with ye'r hivenly demvoienee wc wud'v shook Rooshya down f'r mnch i her hateful money. Now we mu: prove our affiction with acts. is our intintion to sind a fleet t visit ye 're shores, partickly Sa Francisco where we understaiv th' school system is well wort studyin '. . "An' there ye ar-re, llinnissy Th' frindship ceminted two year ago with blood an' beers is busted I don't know whether annythinJ will happen. Hogan thinks so bu I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has an nounced that rather thin see wai octoginaryan Jap previnted fr'n learnin' his a-bce-abs he will di vastate San Francisco with fire flood, dinnymite an personalities But San Francisco has had a pret ty good bump lately an' wui hardly tur-ru over in its sleep f" an invasion. Out there they'i beginnin' to talk about what nic people th' Chinese ar-re compare with our old frinds an' alleys They say that th' Jap'nese grow up too fast f'r their chiklher an that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a Jap uese pupil ccmbin a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin' 'Mary Had a Little Lamb," an' if th Prisidint wants thim to enther th schools he'll have to load thim ii a cannon an' shoot thim in. "We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cud den't stand up befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours." "We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe we on'y look fat to thim, Annyhow we might roll on thim. Wudden't it be th' grand thing though if they licked us an' we signed a threaty iv peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim th' Fh'l- lppeens ! f"
