Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 14, 1906)
50 THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, OCTOBER 14, 1906. J I r f BURROS ON. t Told by "Ckimmte FacUen'-EdwarJ W- TownsencL Uh1 B. Cory Kilvert t, I gg York Kgyt-p oo . (Copyright. 1906, by the New York Herald Company.) WHEN your very best friend goes away then there doesn't seem to be much use of anything, and even of your next best friend has left you his hammerless shotgun to use. the world semes 'like a theater after the cur tain Is down and the orchestra men are scuttling cut through the little door under the footlights and how I wonder where that little door leads to! Mary Is my best friend, though Pussy Wentworth says she Is; but Mary doesn't need apples to keep her steady, while Pussy Isn't always Jolly even on apples, and makes side remarks about candy and silly stuff like that, which Is an awful bore when a fellow is short of funds. But Eggy Is all right, and we have loads of fun out at the farm hunting squirrels and meadow larks; almost as much fun as If we ever shot any. The best part of gunning Is the hunting, not the killing; especially when the air is cool and warm and hazy and bright all to gether, when the trees look like sunsets at midday and the air between you and the hills is as purple as deep water, and the smoke from the burning brush heap, where grandpa cleared last spring, goes curling away up to the sky In a blue so faint It looks almost white against the purple over the hills. Eggy snorts when I talk like that, and says he'll bet a million dollars that I'll be a big enough fool some time to write poetry. I didn't tell hlrrf, because he's uch a snorter, but I am writing a poem to Pussy. It's awful hard work after KPU'ya He4 KB love and dove, and, blua and true, though I'm practising wRh yellow and mellow, and I know I'll make something rather good out of them as soon as I think of anything about Pussy I can tag these words on to. Eggy is the funniest chap I know, which Is all the queerer because he says I'm the funniest fellow he knows. We were walking through the pasture out at grandpa's one day, not saying much, but having a ripping time, for he had grand pa's gun and I had Bob's, and we were looking for larks which always saw us first when Eggy said, kind of to himself, as he does, "Mushrooms!" He picked up something I'd call a toadstool and began to peel off the kid leathery top. Then he flicked off the sand underneath where it looked like a skirt dancer's skirt when she is not dancing, and then he ate it! "Poison you, you silly." I said. "Nope." said Eggy, looking for another. . "They're good ror warts, and they're good themselves." "They have to be cooked In a chafing dish with butter and cream," I said. "What's a chafing dish?" said Eggy. "It's a silver pan with a jolly blue fire under it, that my father and mother mess up things in when the cook Is cross, and don't give us a decent dinner." Eggy grinned and said that that was another one of my city yarns I tried to fool him with. Then we went to see the hired man make cider. Grandpa takes out all the leaves and stems and bad apples and worms and things, before he grinds his apples up for the press. He says that a champagne maker pays him such a fool ish big prioe for his cider It would be against morals for him not to give a good clean article him being a deacon. "Another reason. Ham," he said, "Is that I jui dosn a tun fcarrela of the cider to get hard for self and friends. It's great for rheumatism. And it's a curious thing I've noticed: When my cider gets Just hard enough and is clear and bright there ain't a friend of mine in the county that doesn't get a touch of rheumatism. It ain't bad for little folks, in small doses. Tou go up to the house now and I'll bet a shilling your grandmother has Just drained the hot lard from a fresh batch of doughnuts. Tell her I said you might each have a little glass of the old hard cider mind, a little glass." It was Just as grandpa thought tt would be and when grandma had sprinkled some powedered sugar"- over the dough nuts she gave us a big plateful ana each of us a little glass of old cider. My, my, how good they were together!. Anyway, grandmas have a better notion of the size of a kid's appetite than have mothers, or even aunta. Wnen grandma left us and we finished our cider we hadn't finished our doughnuts, and I said it was too bad they hadn't come out even, ana Eggy said there was plenty more cider in the pitcher, which grandma had put in the cupboard. Grandpa spoke of a small glass, 'but he didn't say any thing about how many of them, so we thought It would be foolish not to make the food and drink come out even. I don't Just exactly remember how many more glasses we took, but. the pitcher was quite a big old fashioned one of brown crockery. Something or other perhaps the dough nuts were too hot made Eggy want to talk all the time, and so fast I couldn't understand him. Anyway, the next thing I knew I woke and found ua both' lying on the bed in the spare room. Grandpa drove us home, for It was late, and he said like as not we were tired. I know now what was the matter with met and it seraaa't the douiinuta either. Grandpa gave me a good talking to but never mind 'about that no more hard elder for me. The next day I felt more dreadful than ever before in my life, and the kind of headache I had was so fright ful that when I thought of the game of shinny I had for the afternoon I shud dered ana wanted some one to pity me. I knew better than to go looking for pity among the shinny gang, but I remem bered, with a great relief, that I'd prom ised to go and play croquet with Pussy, and I knew that that was the very day of my life for croquet with a girl if ever there was to be one. Of course if Mary had been there I'd have gone to her, for she never sours her pity with lectures, but Pussy had rather lecture a chap even than to say her prayers. Wall, Pussy and I played, and I didn't have to pretena to let her beat me a cat could have played better than I for something was so wrong Inside my head that even the Jolt of the mallet against the ball made me shut my eyes and wish I were dead. I'd have bungled through In some way if It had not been for the shinny gang and Eggy with them! He didn't seem to feel at all mournful, as I did. but his' hair looked as if he'd had his head under a pump all the morning. What was most strange about him was that he wore shoes. I wondered if that had anything to do with Pussy not liking him to go barefoot, but it hurt so to think I gave it up. He tried to get me to play shinny and said impolite things about croquet. Worse than that, he'd tattled to the gang, for they were hang ing over the fence saying things about hard cider. So I told Eggy that I haa promised Pussy to play croquet, and it was a gentleman's duty to keep his en gaeements. He could play shinny, not feotbes me. Q oa ii way. and articular ly not talk so loud. When he went away I saw Pussy give him a look I didn't understand then, but later ' Pretty soon I said to Pussy that I'd studied so hard for her sake I had an awful headache and would He down by the fence a few minutes. Some time afterward I woke up and there were Eggy and Pussy playing croquet as If they'd never done anything else all their lives. Then I knew what Eggy's shoes and Pussy's look meant To make It worse Pussy said to me: "Dont get ujfc Hamilton, dear; I like to play with a man who can stand his hard elder." As if my headache was not enough, I had to endure the taunts of a heartless woman! TURN LAUGH ON LAWYERS Witnesses Often Prove a Match for the Veterans of the Bar. Rochester Herald. ' Overshrewd lawyers often furnish their adversaries with weapons. "Did you see this tree that has been mentioned by the roadside?" an advocate Inquired. "Yes. sir, I saw it very plainly." "It was conspicuous, then?" The witness seemed puzzled by the new. word. He repeated his former assertion. "What is the difference." sneered the lawyer, "between plain and conspicu ous?" But he was hoist with his own petard The witness "innocently answered: "I can see you plainly, sir. among the other lawyers, though you are not a bit conspicuous." In another instance a blow directed against the character of a witness for cibly recoiled. "You were in the company of tkese people?" he was asked. "Of two friends, sir." "Friends! Two thieves. I suppose you mean." "That may be true." was the dry re tort; "they are both lawyers." The blow that destroys the effect of an adverse examination is occasionally more .the result of accident that of conscious effort. In a trial not long ago a very simple witness was in the box and after going through his ."ordal was ready to retire. One question regained: "Now. Mr. , has not. an attempt been made to Induce you to tell the court a different story?" "A different story to what I have told, sir?" "Yes: is it not so?" "Yes. sir." "Upon your oath, I demand to know who the persons are who have attempted this." "Well. sir. you've tried as hard as any of "em." was the unexpected answer. It ended tho examination. Into the Wrong Ear. A Market street business man had oc casion to call up a newspaperman the other day over the telephone, and there's where the Joke comes in. The said news paperman was sitting at his desk smok ing, when he had occasion to use his desk telephone. He arose, forgetfully laid the cigar he was smoking in a chair and took down the receiver. Ju6t as he lifted the receiver a friend stepped into the office and started to sit down in the chair. Not realizing that the operator could hear what be was saying, and Just as she was about to say. "Number, please?" in her sweetest tones, the said newspaperman yelled: "Look out there! You'll burn your pants!" Communication between him and Central was at once cut off. Galveston Courier THOSE ELEVEN LOST DAYS Adoption of the Gregorian Calendar of Importance to World. New York Tribune. The 11 days from September 3 to 13 In clusive are memorable for having once been entirely omitted from the calendar of the Anglo-Saxon world. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by the British Empire until 1751. long after most other rations of the civilized world had conformed with it. In that year an act of Parliament prescribed that the next year, 1752, should begin on January 1 instead of on March 25. as had previ ously been the rule, and that in the fol lowing September these 11 days should be dropped from the calendar, the day fol lowing September 2 being known as Sep tember 14. Stirring times those were, too in which days were not lightly spared from a year, with Clive conquering India and Washington beginning the conquest of the Ohio Valley. But the precession of the equinoxes took no note of trifles like these, which could be accomplished as well under one calen darial style as another. It may be ob served that white Gregory dropped only 10 days from 15&3, 11 days had to go from 1752 and Russia would have to drop IS from 1906 to square her dates with the rest , of the -world